Cops hate knives

April 8, 2009 9:21 AM

Cops Hate Knives
posted by manosthf (65 comments total)

Okay, awkward.
posted by The Whelk at 9:23 AM on April 8, 2009

Were those Canadian accents?

I admit I laughed when that Joe Spinell-lookin' guy stabbed his sword through the door.
posted by Joe Beese at 9:25 AM on April 8, 2009

You make it sound like you don't keep a sword by the door for just such an occasion.
posted by echo target at 9:32 AM on April 8, 2009 [1 favorite]

Hey, Milwaukee! Yeah, that's not a Canadian accent, it's a sout-side accent, ain'a?
posted by JJ86 at 9:33 AM on April 8, 2009

No wonder the cops beat the shit out of everybody! If they don't, they'll get stabbed in the fucking face.
posted by lattiboy at 9:35 AM on April 8, 2009 [4 favorites]

Typical Metafilter knife hating. This is anecdotal at best. Correlation doesn't equal cause. This is just spotlighting the work of a few bad apples to make the the whole cutlery profession look bad, when in fact there are many hardworking, morally upright knives out there doing their jobs every day. But something like that obviously wouldn't play in a bastion of negativity and left-wing me-tooism like Metafilter.

Just last week I read a story about someone killing someone else with a spoon, but yeah, it never showed up on the blue.

My uncle is a knife. He says stuff like this happens rarely at best.
posted by hifiparasol at 9:36 AM on April 8, 2009 [34 favorites]

Having checked out the rest of the site, I can safety say I don't think I could physically take the amount of drugs needed to enjoy this.

I mean, seriously how can you tell the difference between this and half of Adult Swim's lineup?
posted by The Whelk at 9:37 AM on April 8, 2009

It's dangerous to go alone. Take this.
posted by kid ichorous at 9:37 AM on April 8, 2009 [3 favorites]

Snipers hate cans.
posted by steef at 9:40 AM on April 8, 2009 [3 favorites]

hifiparasol: those so-called "hardworking, morally upright knives" you speak of still protect their own in these instances, putting up the "pointy wall of silence." Their hands are hardly clean.
posted by Navelgazer at 9:40 AM on April 8, 2009 [3 favorites]

This is awesome.
posted by solipsophistocracy at 9:41 AM on April 8, 2009

hifiparasol, recent spoon violence on mefi.
posted by barrett caulk at 9:42 AM on April 8, 2009 [1 favorite]

I used to be a bag boy at the Piggly Wiggly in my town and when the registers weren't busy they would have me stock shelves. I stocked with an older gentleman who strongly disliked one of the managers who supervised him (in all fairness, that manager was indeed a total dick). Well every time this manager would say anything to the stocker, the stocker would say under his breath "Yeah yeah. What makes you think I won't cut you?" or "What makes him think I won't cut his ass?" or something of that nature, but always involving the fact that the stocker was not opposed to the concept of cutting the manager, and yet the manager was acting as if the stocker was.

So, you know, data point.
posted by ND¢ at 9:43 AM on April 8, 2009 [4 favorites]

MetaFilter: He's telling you not to invade his space.
posted by DU at 9:45 AM on April 8, 2009

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_G3kPPpHkGo
enough youtube for today, thank you.
posted by silence at 9:45 AM on April 8, 2009

Knifin' Around, starring Thom Yorke, Bjork, and Space Ghyork Ghost
posted by not_on_display at 9:47 AM on April 8, 2009 [3 favorites]

those so-called "hardworking, morally upright knives" you speak of still protect their own in these instances, putting up the "pointy wall of silence." Their hands are hardly clean.

I admit it might be hard for you to understand from your position of relative comfort. But knives are out there on the front lines every day, opening our parcels, cutting our steaks, and spreading our peanut butter. It takes a special kind of presence of mind to survive that, day in and day out, and still do a good job. As a result, sometimes blood is spilled. It's the price we pay as a society for the ability to cut things.

If you want to blame something, blame a society that consistently demands its oranges cut into convenient wedges without splashing any of the juice anywhere. But don't blame the individual knives, that's just liberal privilege talking.
posted by hifiparasol at 9:53 AM on April 8, 2009 [10 favorites]

cutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcut
posted by The Whelk at 9:53 AM on April 8, 2009 [3 favorites]

cutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcut
posted by adamdschneider at 9:55 AM on April 8, 2009

cutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcut
posted by The Whelk at 11:53 AM on April 8 [1 favorite +] [!]

I'll cut you!
posted by adamdschneider at 9:55 AM on April 8, 2009

I'll make you live on the couch. With the urine.
posted by The Whelk at 10:00 AM on April 8, 2009 [1 favorite]

recent spoon violence on mefi

Yeah, set against a culture of knife-hating.
posted by hifiparasol at 10:01 AM on April 8, 2009

Great video - timely too, since two days ago my neighbor threatened a police officer with a knife and ended up getting himself shot.
posted by blaneyphoto at 10:02 AM on April 8, 2009

I'll cut you!
posted by adamdschneider at 6:55 PM on April 8 [+] [!]

Eponysterical in German.
posted by Your Time Machine Sucks at 10:02 AM on April 8, 2009 [1 favorite]

See? Knives don't cut people - people cut people!
posted by Kirth Gerson at 10:02 AM on April 8, 2009

Chambraigne is still the best.
posted by adamdschneider at 10:03 AM on April 8, 2009

Also, none of those people confronting the police with things in their hands seem to have heard about what you should bring to a gunfight.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 10:04 AM on April 8, 2009

cutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcut
posted by adamdschneider

Germano-epoynysterical.
posted by Horace Rumpole at 10:05 AM on April 8, 2009

oh, i've got a knife, you can ride it if you like
it's got orcs and headless ghouls and things to make it look good
i'd give it to you if i could once i sharpen it
posted by pyramid termite at 10:06 AM on April 8, 2009 [2 favorites]

Eponysterical in German.
posted by Your Time Machine Sucks

Eponyisterically beaten to the punch!
posted by Horace Rumpole at 10:07 AM on April 8, 2009 [9 favorites]

Metafilter: Unable to physically take the amount of drugs needed to enjoy this.
posted by jonp72 at 10:08 AM on April 8, 2009

C'mon people, you're losing track of the truly important issue at hand here. I mean, that's not a knife.
posted by pyrex at 10:08 AM on April 8, 2009 [1 favorite]

I think that was Jeebus in the blue pickup truck.
posted by Mental Wimp at 10:15 AM on April 8, 2009

I see you've played knifey-spoony before
posted by hifiparasol at 10:20 AM on April 8, 2009 [1 favorite]

I have a new respect for knives. And, by that, I mean I now think they're funny.
posted by Astro Zombie at 10:22 AM on April 8, 2009

"Are we having fun yet?"
posted by The Whelk at 10:28 AM on April 8, 2009

It's little clips like this that make me wonder what future generations will think of the data found on the servers buried under the rubble of Google HQ, sublevel 629-5A-E573. They'll spend years reverse engineering the technology required to decode the ancient digital data, months renovating corrupted ones and zeros only to find.. This. And proceed to enter its contents as historical fact.
posted by pyrex at 10:33 AM on April 8, 2009

EVERYTHING IS A KNIFE
posted by tehloki at 10:39 AM on April 8, 2009 [2 favorites]

I got charged with possession of a concealed weapon by a redneck cop when i was 16 for having a machete under the seat of my car. My mistake was not attacking him with it.
posted by Liquidwolf at 10:43 AM on April 8, 2009

I want to reemphasise that everything is a knife
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 10:50 AM on April 8, 2009 [3 favorites]

To a knife, everything looks like a cop.
posted by kuujjuarapik at 10:53 AM on April 8, 2009 [6 favorites]

This would have been funny had it contained any actual comedy.
posted by JeffK at 10:55 AM on April 8, 2009 [1 favorite]

What JeffK said.
posted by MarshallPoe at 10:58 AM on April 8, 2009

JeffK and MarshallPoe:

There is an image of a crazy homeless man muttering to himself while thrashing and stabbing the air with his blade.

The voiceover for this explains that he is signaling that he wants to protect his space.

If you aren't seeing the comedy here I'm not sure how much further I can dissect it without losing the patient.
posted by Navelgazer at 11:43 AM on April 8, 2009

If you aren't seeing the comedy here I'm not sure how much further I can dissect it without losing the patient.

In fairness, everybody has a different sense of humor. And some people have no sense of humor, and like to point out that fact in public forums by pointing to funny things and declaring them unfunny.
posted by Astro Zombie at 11:45 AM on April 8, 2009

Geez - I was only kiddin'
posted by koeselitz at 11:55 AM on April 8, 2009

That's ... um, that's really funny, AZ!
posted by Kirth Gerson at 11:59 AM on April 8, 2009

In my town we have a bit of knife violence in between the gangs and very little shooting.
Supposedly this is on orders from La eMe that they can fight all they want but no guns.
Also guns cost more than your moms kitchen knife.
posted by Iron Rat at 12:00 PM on April 8, 2009

Connecticut cutcutcutcut...
posted by Drasher at 12:05 PM on April 8, 2009

You know, most of the real world useful (read: "not very useful in parts of the real world I tend to visit") knife fighting technique I know I learned from an Illinois State Trooper and a Federal Marshal. (And yes, I know them both by funny names and much peace, love and beating one another with sticks has transpired. And that's just one of my weird hobbies.)

The interesting part was where one of them showed me how close a guy with a knife had to be for him to be able to stab you before you could draw a gun and shoot him (if it came to that). It's a LOT farther than you'd tend to think.

They also showed me enough disarm techniques that I think I've handed over more knives than the Ginsu people.
posted by Kid Charlemagne at 12:15 PM on April 8, 2009

It's a mashup of scenes from the FBI's Surviving Edged Weapons film. It's famous in FMA circles - Tuhon Leo Gaje and Guro Dan Inosanto were advisors on the content.

The full video is pretty sobering viewing.
posted by the cuban at 12:18 PM on April 8, 2009 [2 favorites]

"What he's telling you is, don't invade my space, or I'll attack you."

Sound advice. I have that phrase crocheted onto a doily I keep on the end table right next to my Zulu Assegai and my brush axe.

I'm waiting for you coppers...
posted by quin at 12:33 PM on April 8, 2009

Is this something I'd need to own a machete to laugh at?
posted by mannequito at 12:43 PM on April 8, 2009

The interesting part was where one of them showed me how close a guy with a knife had to be for him to be able to stab you before you could draw a gun and shoot him (if it came to that). It's a LOT farther than you'd tend to think.

12 feet or so if I recall? I never did any knife fighting as such but I practiced some sword arts, including some short sword. I think we went over this in class and it was pretty surprising to see.
posted by splice at 12:50 PM on April 8, 2009

It's a LOT farther than you'd tend to think.

Yeah, as a knife wielding maniac, I can usually close the distance between us way before you can get your gun out of the holster and pointed at me. There's an old joke about "bringing a knife to a gun fight" that makes a lot of people who have some experience with cutting tools chuckle darkly when people use it with a seeming sense of authority.
posted by quin at 1:09 PM on April 8, 2009

It's a mashup of scenes from the FBI's Surviving Edged Weapons film.

Holy crap, my stage combat and stage makeup teacher worked on this thing! He's the one that made all the severed fingers and whatnot.

Awesome.
posted by StrangeTikiGod at 1:40 PM on April 8, 2009

Don't take a knife to a kick fight.
posted by Anything at 1:55 PM on April 8, 2009

Anything: What was going on in that video?
posted by hifiparasol at 2:28 PM on April 8, 2009

It's a security guard fighting a guy with a knife near the subway station in Ruoholahti, western Helsinki. In the beginning you see him spraying mace or pepper spray in the man's direction but it's unclear whether that was effective.

The person who posted this implies in a comment that the man with the knife had a bag full of blades of various kinds and was heavily intoxicated, and the guard had been chasing him all the way from the subway.
posted by Anything at 2:38 PM on April 8, 2009

The real question is where criminals get these weapons since money can't buy knives.
posted by Strshan at 2:41 PM on April 8, 2009

I did not know this, but in Finland, according to the comments, security guards need a license in order to carry a baton, and apparently this guard didn't have one, so he used his legs instead.
posted by Anything at 2:42 PM on April 8, 2009

All the chuckling aside, it does seem to be gospel in (at least) American police agencies that anyone within 21 feet of you with an edged weapon is an immediate and lethal threat, and constitutes grounds for an armed response.
posted by baylink at 6:27 PM on April 8, 2009 [1 favorite]

There has been discussion of a "knife registry" in Canada. Stockwell Day dismissed the idea, saying that millions of them are bought each year simply for kitchen use.
posted by tapesonthefloor at 7:29 PM on April 8, 2009

If I am within 21 feet of you with an edged weapon, you better be thinking immediate and lethal threat. 21 feet is well under 2 seconds. Just a thought.
posted by jcworth at 9:15 PM on April 8, 2009

Anyone dumb enough to hold a swiss army knife like that as a weapon deserves to have their fingers cut off (and to be beaten by a cop with a baton).

I wonder if the cops in the small town I did my undergrad at saw that video - they kept pulling me over and asking if I had knives in the car. Yes, I had one in the trunk and I had one on me. The first time, they took them back to their car (with lights running the whole while no-less) but fortunately, they returned them to me but I wonder why it took them 15 minutes to do so; to call me in to check my background or to figure out how to undo the liner lock?

Knives are handy tools; I *still* carry one with me and its demonstrated utility has won over even skittish people I know who subsequently consider carrying or at least have something small on a keychain around. I forget to pocket my PDA more often than I forget to clip my pocket knife.
posted by porpoise at 9:44 PM on April 8, 2009