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May 25, 2009 9:22 PM   Subscribe

"Whoever said the early bird gets the worm could have been talking about me, only I’m a person, not a bird, and I’m not interested in getting worms, more like getting things done. But I do get up early." The secret to success in the wired age, according to Andy Borowitz [previously, 2].
posted by l33tpolicywonk (16 comments total) 8 users marked this as a favorite
Boy, jokes about surfing the Internet in your underwear! Haven't heard one of those since 1998!
posted by nasreddin at 9:29 PM on May 25, 2009

Don't you need to be successful before telling other people how to do it?


Here's the first paragraph of the lead story on his website:
In what is being called a historic deal between the United States government and a major broadcast network, prisoners at the detention camp in Guantanamo were transferred today to the CBS reality series "Big Brother."
posted by delmoi at 9:36 PM on May 25, 2009 [1 favorite]

"Whoever said the early bird gets the worm could have been talking about me, because I'm a bird, and worms are an important part of my diet. If I wait too long, say, until mid-morning, other birds will get the worms. This is why I get up early." The secret to success at understanding common phrases and proverbs, according to a bird.
posted by gordie at 9:51 PM on May 25, 2009 [6 favorites]

Good God! To get up at 1 A.M. I would need to put my head down on the pillow around 5:30ish. No thanks.
posted by P.o.B. at 9:57 PM on May 25, 2009

posted by muckster at 10:00 PM on May 25, 2009

I can't get any sleep at all, what with all the fucking birds stomping around my lawn at ungodly hours.
posted by gamera at 10:01 PM on May 25, 2009 [2 favorites]

The Robert Iger quote is fucking hilarious all by itself.
posted by KokuRyu at 10:11 PM on May 25, 2009

Is that quote really so deserving of satire? I dont see what's wrong with it. Ok, the man gets up at 4:30 and keeps busy until other people wake up.

This piece is amusing and well crafted, but it seems a bit harsh. Am I missing something?
posted by milestogo at 11:03 PM on May 25, 2009

I love listening to music, so I’ll do that in the morning, too, when I’m exercising and watching the news.

Ok, that is pretty funny. never mind.
posted by milestogo at 11:04 PM on May 25, 2009

You know, I've never found Shouts and Murmurs very funny. What is the point of that section, can someone explain it to me? No, seriously. It's supposed to be funny, right?

That said, I did get up at midnight today, but that's because I went to bed at 2 PM - I'm a bit of an insomniac on a wacko cycle right now. I'm going to have to take a nap at 7 AM or something...
posted by bettafish at 11:13 PM on May 25, 2009

I'm a fan of Andy Borowitz (although he ignored my personal plea to join the MeFites and become MetaFilter's Own Andy Borowitz). I've seen his satirical output reach a level of almost 50% of that of the entire staff of The Onion, and that's very impressive for one guy. I know he has recently gone through some personal health problems so (1) I'm glad to see him in the New Yorker again and (2) if he's off by a half-step from his usual laugh-riotousness, well, he's been sick.

And seriously, I recommend spending some quiet time for yourself between 1 and 4 AM too. But in my practice, it's usually BEFORE I go to sleep.
posted by wendell at 12:36 AM on May 26, 2009

Reading that makes me want to chill out & curl up with a book.
posted by Pronoiac at 1:15 AM on May 26, 2009

Has anyone bothered to ask what time worms get up? If they don't rise until noon, what's the point of getting up early to catch them?
posted by L.P. Hatecraft at 4:44 AM on May 26, 2009

Apparently, the smart ones sleep until noon. Or thereabouts.
posted by BlooPen at 5:55 AM on May 26, 2009 [1 favorite]

Cheetahs are awesome.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 4:12 PM on May 26, 2009

The smart Cheetahs sleep till noon.

Then they eat Andy Borowitz's testicles.
posted by jrochest at 5:57 PM on May 26, 2009 [1 favorite]

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