You're Doing It Wrong
May 31, 2009 10:02 PM   Subscribe

 
Is there some kind of widget I can use to cross-check anybody who shows up on this site and make sure I'm not following them?
posted by Mizu at 10:12 PM on May 31, 2009


This morning three people received a round of applause at breakfast: the bride, the groom, and me.

I lol'd. And then immediately started looking for people I follow.
posted by sugarfish at 10:13 PM on May 31, 2009


I approve of this use of twitter.
posted by b1tr0t at 10:13 PM on May 31, 2009


Imsoooopretty.

This tweet just makes me scared of women forever.
posted by The Devil Tesla at 10:13 PM on May 31, 2009


Went to the gym this morning. As I left, everyone said I was the best!
posted by sugarfish at 10:14 PM on May 31, 2009


I gave my cleaning lady a raise today, even though she didn't ask, as my own little contribution to fighting the recession.

Okay, I'll stop. This is too much.
posted by sugarfish at 10:15 PM on May 31, 2009


It's everything I hate about almost everything in one convenient site.
posted by item at 10:16 PM on May 31, 2009 [33 favorites]


Pendulum swings the other way. Hope it doen't mess up my sweet faux-hawk.
posted by KevinSkomsvold at 10:17 PM on May 31, 2009


If I were eating sushi next to Aaron Eckhart, you'd better believe I'd tweet the hell out of that.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 10:22 PM on May 31, 2009 [6 favorites]


I think that twitter is something I am going to miss. Does this mean that I am now the internet elderly? However if I were to twitter , it might go like this....

Just finished a quart of sparkling mineral water, and the NY Times crossword, yeah, I have no life, and don't plan to have one at any time in the future. The one man, got up in disgust at the coffee place, and went home. I bet we never speak again. This is too long for a twitter, isn't it?
posted by Oyéah at 10:27 PM on May 31, 2009


Also.
posted by bz at 10:29 PM on May 31, 2009 [1 favorite]


#condomfish artw get in here were all laughing at twitter lol
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 10:30 PM on May 31, 2009 [1 favorite]


In a better world (not perfect, mind you), Twitter would have a big disclaimer that would come up before posting stating something like: "Before you post, is what you are saying of any use to anyone else who might be searching for updates on some kind of event that is still considered breaking news? If so, post away so the world can make sense of an emerging situation. If not, sit tight and don't post anything until you're certain that what you're saying has any informational value to anyone else."

I'm not sure how they would manage that kind of thing for people posting via SMS, but I'm sure there's a way.
posted by Burhanistan at 10:32 PM on May 31, 2009


There's no way that this guy is for real:

-Bad start to the day. The Segway caught a flat on the way to Starbucks.

-Man oh man am I stoked for the Angels & Demons movie! Dan Brown is my favorite writer after myself.

-I was going to give my 1,000th follower a prize then I remembered what the Chinese say: "The journey is the reward"

-How many American lives would've been saved in WWII if we'd had online marketing back then? #memorialday

-Alphabetizing my collection of wraparound shades.

-Thanks for attending my "brandividual" webinar! Hope I was able to show at least some of you what makes you special. (Maybe next time, Bob.)

It's a joke. Right? Right?
posted by item at 10:33 PM on May 31, 2009 [15 favorites]


So your fifteen minutes of fame has turned into 140 characters of being Paris Hilton.
posted by YoBananaBoy at 10:36 PM on May 31, 2009 [3 favorites]


It's a joke. Right? Right?

I never realized that sheer infinite volume of trolling potential in Twitter until this very moment.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 10:42 PM on May 31, 2009 [2 favorites]


This guy is THIS close to being parody. Unfortunately, I think he's for real. He has a similarly crazy website and everything.
posted by Xere at 10:42 PM on May 31, 2009 [6 favorites]


I know that sooner or later one of you jerks will link to the Tweets Too Much that was by me, which will just prove that you are jerks is all.
posted by Astro Zombie at 10:45 PM on May 31, 2009


He has a similarly crazy website and everything.

His blog has an image header where he's in the middle of popping his collar. It's too much, I just can't stop laughing.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 10:45 PM on May 31, 2009 [4 favorites]


Man, Arthur really is some kind of event horizon of narcissism. Full reverse! Don't look or discuss or else you will be sucked in!
posted by Burhanistan at 10:48 PM on May 31, 2009 [3 favorites]


I do not need to be spoken to like I'm less than a human being. Honestly, I'm probably a better human being than most, so fuck off.

Hello, new MSN siggy.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 10:50 PM on May 31, 2009 [1 favorite]


Burhanistan: "Man, Arthur really is some kind of event horizon of narcissism. Full reverse! Don't look or discuss or else you will be sucked in!"

I'd swear on a stack of bibles that there was a post about him here. Something to do with "How To Pick Up Women" or something. I may be remembering wrong though.
posted by KevinSkomsvold at 10:53 PM on May 31, 2009


Oh, the Oversharers one is good, too.

has the urge to sneeze and vomit at the same time. Body, please proceed with caution. Innocent bystanders, grab your Gallagher tarps.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 10:53 PM on May 31, 2009


It's a joke. Right? Right?

He describes himself as, among other things, a "Stock-Photo Model". It's safe to say we're being entertained, regardless.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 10:58 PM on May 31, 2009


My friends and I just want to know...is the past tense of tweeting to twat?
posted by The Light Fantastic at 10:58 PM on May 31, 2009 [3 favorites]


I believe it's twote.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 11:07 PM on May 31, 2009 [2 favorites]




Twitter is going to end soon.

Right?
posted by Clave at 11:19 PM on May 31, 2009 [2 favorites]


The Light Fantastic: I thought it was twit.
posted by daniel_charms at 11:26 PM on May 31, 2009


The Light Fantastic: "My friends and I just want to know...is the past tense of tweeting to twat?"

That's what I use--rhymes with "hat," not with "spot."
posted by Captain Cardanthian! at 11:31 PM on May 31, 2009


Twitter is going to end soon.

Right?


You can kill Twitter, but you can't kill the idea, I'm afraid. It will be replaced by something even more annoying (and a better business plan).
posted by daniel_charms at 11:33 PM on May 31, 2009


It will be replaced by something even more annoying (and a better business plan).

Really? I hope that a successor/competitor emerges that is much less annoying and specifically geared towards crowd sourced news and information rather than personal tidbits.
posted by Burhanistan at 11:36 PM on May 31, 2009


sugarfish - That gym one is from @serafinowicz, aka Peter Serafinowicz, a relatively well known British comedian. Time Magazine did a piece on this site and Serafinowicz's tweet was chosen. He was asked to respond, so he did so, sarcastically. Time again took him seriously. Full story here.

[Insert obligatory reference to Americans not getting sarcasm/irony here.]
posted by MrMustard at 11:39 PM on May 31, 2009 [1 favorite]


[mumbles under his breath]'s law stipulates that something annoying will be succeeded by something even more annoying. Which means that in the long run, we're doomed.
posted by daniel_charms at 11:46 PM on May 31, 2009 [2 favorites]


You can kill Twitter

You shouldn't be making promises that I ca't keep.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 2:18 AM on June 1, 2009


Ugh! can't, obv.

My cat never keeps any promises.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 2:21 AM on June 1, 2009 [1 favorite]


You shouldn't be making promises that I ca't keep.

Why not? I'm sure your boss does it all the time.
posted by daniel_charms at 2:25 AM on June 1, 2009


Burhanistan: I'm not sure how they would manage that kind of thing for people posting via SMS, but I'm sure there's a way.

All they do is text back "No. Stop. Go away" and ignore the tweet. 99.9% of the time, no useful information is lost.
posted by Malor at 2:38 AM on June 1, 2009


I think (or maybe that should really be hope) that a fair few of these are tongue in cheek.

It's a joke. Right? Right?

The guy's name is Tad Kochschwinger. So yes.
posted by i_cola at 2:55 AM on June 1, 2009 [2 favorites]


Peter Serafinowicz? Darth Maul v/o? Internet Ham? C'mon people, pay attention.
posted by i_cola at 3:27 AM on June 1, 2009 [1 favorite]


I have to admit that reading these makes me long for the day when Find The Spam was a big deal.

I'm amazed that I remember it from the age before the word spam's more ubiquitous meaning.
posted by JHarris at 3:51 AM on June 1, 2009


OMG i was saying how i couldn't afford the gas to fly daddy's jet to the riviera this summer, and this barista totally rolled her eyes at me

Heh.

Really? I hope that a successor/competitor emerges that is much less annoying and specifically geared towards crowd sourced news and information rather than personal tidbits.

Who would want to contribute to something like that? I don't think the people on twitter imagine themselves as members of some undifferentiated 'crowed' and frankly I'm not even sure how you would even find "news" on twitter. There are a lot of different ways to use the site: You can follow celebs, or you can keep track of what your friends are up to and coordinate, etc. It's not suppose to provide random people content.
posted by delmoi at 4:19 AM on June 1, 2009


It was hilarious enough to see that Time had taken Serafinowicz seriously, but for people not to get a guy styling himself "Kochschwinger"? Come on, Twitter is made for one-liners. "Alphabetizing my collection of wraparound shades"?

Still, it does look like a great source of intentionally funny Twitter feeds.

(More recent Serafinowicz classics.)
posted by rory at 4:20 AM on June 1, 2009


They sure love themselves.
posted by LittleMissItneg at 4:26 AM on June 1, 2009


Girl at the gym was checking me out, I could tell she wanted me. A Philly 8, but she had sweaty arm pits. I don't date girls that sweat.

I totally blocked this choad two weeks ago.
posted by The Straightener at 5:07 AM on June 1, 2009 [1 favorite]


I believe the biggest effect that twitter, and sites like this that highlight the worst thereof, have on me is the reminder that people like this really exist. It's like when I got back into weight training, and was looking into info on various forms and exercise regimens, and dug deeper to the point I started running into "Go Hard Or Go Home" macho pricks.

It's something of a shock to be reminded that living caricatures exist.
posted by Uther Bentrazor at 5:14 AM on June 1, 2009 [1 favorite]


From the "What is this?" link:

We acknowledge the twivial nature of ourselves and of the Twitterverse. We pay our dues to the twansience of our thoughts and our existence. And we do not twolerate egotism or pretense.

Now do you understand why we loathe Twitter?
posted by Joe Beese at 5:21 AM on June 1, 2009


I give twitter 6 more months before it fades to insignificance. It's just so f**king stupid.
posted by fourcheesemac at 5:23 AM on June 1, 2009 [1 favorite]


Yesterday, I went to my daughter's first dance recital. Before it started, they asked for everyone to silence their cellphones, and to refrain from tweeting during the show.

I'm not making that up.
posted by ColdChef at 5:36 AM on June 1, 2009 [1 favorite]


@twitter LOL you guys get off it #mylawn
posted by cavalier at 5:40 AM on June 1, 2009 [5 favorites]


I give twitter 6 more months before it fades to insignificance. It's just so f**king stupid.

Fourscheesmac, you will be wrong. The key is to stick to it until you have an "aha!" moment. Also, I highly recommend using something like tweetdeck to better your opportunities for discovering twitter's value. And a fantastic value it is! There is what is being called an echo chamber effect, where twitter talks about itself a lot (particularly by those who are looking for an "in" ie way to be popular or make money), but that's hubris.

But beyond the banter is a tool for connecting shifting groups of individuals in a way which allows for rapid flexibility and and instant group cohesion. It's like one moment you can figure out an idea about star trek-type goofy physics, the next find the name of a chinese restuarant on the fly, and the next broadcast some important development in something you alone may know of, yet all to unique and applicable segments of the hive mind.

Anyhow, that's how I see it/use it. YMMV
posted by humannaire at 5:46 AM on June 1, 2009 [6 favorites]


Is there one of these for narcissistic facebook feeds?

I've got one facebook friend who will actually post the same status update about her latest brag 3 hours later, if the "congrats" have already died down from the first post.
posted by availablelight at 5:48 AM on June 1, 2009


Seconding humannaire's props to tweetdeck - the trending topics alone are worth it if you're a news junky; stuff tends to trend there a good half an hour to an hour before they hit any of my RSS feeds or Google News.

Also, some pretty cool people, like William Gibson ("GreatDismal") and Warren Ellis (warrenellis) post cool links and insights into their thought processes. And you can ask them stuff and actually get answers.

Like any social media, signal-to-noise is *your* responsibility, not the medium's.
posted by digitalprimate at 6:03 AM on June 1, 2009 [3 favorites]


But beyond the banter is a tool for connecting shifting groups of individuals in a way which allows for rapid flexibility and and instant group cohesion.

Wait, wait, let me guess...you're a "social media consultant", right?
posted by briank at 6:17 AM on June 1, 2009


In defense of twitter, two things:

Last fall, after Hurricane Gustav, my only connection to the world outside of Louisiana was twitter. I was without news or electricity for days. Every night, before I'd go to be, I'd scroll through the Twitter posts of the day to find out how the Republican convention was going and what my friends were up to. It was an easy, concise way for me to stay sane.

Earlier this year, I was tweeting during my dad's surgery recovery when he went into cardiac arrest and died. The immediate outpouring of grief from friends all over the world was of great comfort to me. For friends who couldn't make it to the funeral, my twitter thread provided them with a connection to what they were missing.

So it's not ALL "What I'm having for lunch" and "I'm sooooo bored."
posted by ColdChef at 6:21 AM on June 1, 2009 [6 favorites]


Like any social media, signal-to-noise is *your* responsibility, not the medium's.


Well put. If you follow jibbering idiots, you'll be reading lots of jibberish.
posted by i_cola at 6:41 AM on June 1, 2009 [3 favorites]


-Thanks for attending my "brandividual" webinar! Hope I was able to show at least some of you what makes you special. (Maybe next time, Bob.)

It's a joke. Right? Right?


Oh man. It's so, so good.
posted by odinsdream at 6:52 AM on June 1, 2009


There will be some dim sociopath out there who's tweet makes it onto Tweeting Too Hard and it will be a total Booyah moment for them
posted by mattoxic at 6:53 AM on June 1, 2009 [3 favorites]


I resemble that remark.
posted by Astro Zombie at 7:01 AM on June 1, 2009


Um, I went to that Arthur Kade site, and he does seem to be for real. Also he says things like this:

I was coming off the amazing eulogy that I had given at the funeral, so we were escorted in past an enormous line at The Pool, and was pumped.

What is the emoticon for doing a huge double-take?
posted by prefpara at 7:09 AM on June 1, 2009 [3 favorites]


Like any social media, signal-to-noise is *your* responsibility, not the medium's.

Couldn't agree with this more. I usually see the Twitter hate come from those who have never used it. I use it more like an RSS feed, capturing news bits and links from my favorite media sources and individuals. As well, keeping up with friends is fun too, but I usually read a few pages of their feed for following. But admittedly, tweettoohard and overshare squick me out pretty bad.
posted by slogger at 7:09 AM on June 1, 2009


Twitted has only served one truly useful purpose so far that I can think of: listener on-air comments on CBC radio. Radio hosts must be salivating at the potential of twitter--suddenly, people calling in can't blather on and on about irrelevant shit anymore. "You have 140 characters to make your point... GO!"
posted by Decimask at 7:13 AM on June 1, 2009


That’s what makes me Arthur Kade, people want to see the ups and downs of a rising star that is not interested in just being a celebrity, but a world class leading man who is human.” We started a conversation around if I feel if I am hurting people around me by being so revealing, so open, and I told him “This is my journey, people can choose to be part of it or not, but there are millions of people who WANT and NEED me because I give them the power to dream and to live.” I get emails everyday about how inspiring “The Journey” is from all over the world, and how amazing I look and act.

Dude.

Seriously.... How does -- how does that guy happen?
posted by RubberHen at 7:28 AM on June 1, 2009


I saw this earlier today and me immediate thought was: "Holy shit, I've been tweeting Plato's Republic for a month now. If that doesn't qualify for ridicule, I can't imagine what might." But then I went to the site, and... man...

Meanwhile, as another resident of Philly, I am going to start taking donations to my PayPal account for anyone who wants me to find Arthur Kade and punch him in the nuts.

(Though, I believe, like MirandaSings08 on YouTube, he's just the new face of humor: too awful to be real, too subtle to be an obvious joke.)
posted by greekphilosophy at 7:29 AM on June 1, 2009 [2 favorites]


Twankers.

The problem with twitter for those who start off not liking it is that most of the twitter-focused news articles or posts on MetaFilter only make us feel like we're drowning in that echo chamber. It's the worst of everything, amplified. But like most people, we can't turn away from the car wreck, so we drop by to remind everyone how much we hate car wrecks.
posted by filthy light thief at 7:34 AM on June 1, 2009 [1 favorite]


I have to wonder what will happen to twitter.threadless when twitter does die. Maybe all these shirts with the twitter logo emblazoned on the bottom will become funny in an ironic sort of way, like anything branded with Friendster might be today.
posted by filthy light thief at 7:37 AM on June 1, 2009


The key is to stick to it until you have an "aha!" moment.

That's what my friends told me about listening to Phish.
posted by diogenes at 7:38 AM on June 1, 2009 [3 favorites]


Arthur Kade went to Northeast High and Temple, which, no disrespect to either institution, is not the pedigree of a world class leading man, but of your typical Old City club-crawling Cro-Magnon with delusions of grandeur. There's 600 dudes just like this dipshit sexaully harassing and verbally threatening pedestrians on 2nd Street every Saturday night. They all think they are The Shit and the Next Big Thing which is not terribly surprising considering the vastness of their big, empty heads.
posted by The Straightener at 7:38 AM on June 1, 2009 [1 favorite]


A "Philly 8" is nothing to tweet about.
posted by Zambrano at 7:49 AM on June 1, 2009


I don't date girls that sweat.

Closet necrophiliac
posted by bendybendy at 7:55 AM on June 1, 2009 [4 favorites]


I think it goes without saying that Arthur Kade is no Zambrano.
posted by The Straightener at 8:04 AM on June 1, 2009 [2 favorites]


Do I need a reason to hate Twitter even more?

(Hint: No.)
posted by Halloween Jack at 8:35 AM on June 1, 2009


I'm sure that Angelina Jolie is absolutely crushed that she only rates a "Worth taking home, but not dating" 9 on the Kade Scale.

We should start a betting pool on how long it'll take for this guy to find this thread via Google Alerts or referral logs and make a "those hater nerds on MeFi" tweet. I call 1:00-1:05pm Eastern.
posted by CKmtl at 8:40 AM on June 1, 2009


The Kade Scale! Every time I go to that Kade site I find something else so unbearably awful, it's amazing. I love this guy! He's FPP worthy! He has to be a caricature; he's just too perfect. I mean I'm almost weeping with laughter here, although if he's real, so are these tears.
posted by mygothlaundry at 8:44 AM on June 1, 2009


People, it's pretty simple: Twitter is what you want it to be.

Want to use it as a news feed? Follow the news organizations (e.g., @NewsHour, or @TheOnion (and yeah, they do post real news too, oddly.)

Want updates on my favorite artists? Follow @MarianCall and @mc_frontalot

Want to follow Jason Scott's cat? Follow @Sockington (Socks makes me smile.)

Most importantly, if you don't want to follow them... don't follow them. Don't bitch about some guy giving you gym updates when you can just stop following him.
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 8:55 AM on June 1, 2009 [3 favorites]


People, it's pretty simple: Twitter is what you want it to be.

No, it's not! It's just horrible/awful/icky/apocalyptic and will fail in a matter of six months!11!!!
posted by blucevalo at 9:00 AM on June 1, 2009


I love this guy! He's FPP worthy!

So make the FPP! *poke*
posted by Drexen at 9:14 AM on June 1, 2009


Wow that's the first I've heard of The Amazing Arthur Kade.
posted by Mister_A at 9:21 AM on June 1, 2009


Want to use it as a news feed? Want updates on my favorite artists? Want to follow Jason Scott's cat?

Hmmm... Let me think... nope!
posted by diogenes at 9:29 AM on June 1, 2009


Their masthead:
Where self-important tweets get the recognition they deserve.
Aren't all "tweets" (jesus) self-important? Isn't that the point?
The idea that everyone is dying to know what you are doing RIGHT NOW?
posted by chococat at 9:31 AM on June 1, 2009


Twitter is what you want it to be.

What if I want twitter to be a smoldering crater?
posted by diogenes at 9:31 AM on June 1, 2009 [5 favorites]


So make the FPP! *poke*

Done. I couldn't resist.
posted by mygothlaundry at 9:31 AM on June 1, 2009


Done. I couldn't resist.

You just fed that guy's ego, you know? That's 10,000 years in Purgatory for you.
posted by Burhanistan at 9:43 AM on June 1, 2009


Arthur Kade's the guy with the godawful "greed is good" monologue, in which he "improves" upon Michael Douglas' method. I felt bad for the guy over the backlash he got, but... now that I know he's a savior, well...
posted by katillathehun at 9:47 AM on June 1, 2009


The Kochschwinger one is fantastic (and, yes, clearly a joke).

Success is like swine flu - you've either got it or you haven't - but my marketing secrets can make you patient zero in a $$$ pandemic.
posted by moss at 9:59 AM on June 1, 2009


this just in: Man tweets vacation; home robbed.
posted by msconduct at 10:43 AM on June 1, 2009 [1 favorite]


So how many people here who hate Twitter have actually used it? (Show of hands, pls.) ANd how many of those were forced to do so? (Show of hands, pls.) How many of all the folks here have been forced to used Twitter?

Oh, wait -- you have heard of Twitter and know only about it what someone told you and it's ubiquitous so you hate it?

Just checking.
posted by grubi at 12:13 PM on June 1, 2009 [2 favorites]


Study: Young adults haven't warmed up to Twitter -- "In spite of all the press, only 22 percent of 18- to 24-year-olds questioned in a survey say they use the microblogging service."
posted by ericb at 1:42 PM on June 1, 2009


What is the standard for "success" with something like this? 22% of 18-24s seems like a pretty decent chunk to me.

I was just reading a report put out by Pew that said only 35% of ALL CELL USERS used SMS. Which struck me as surprisingly low, but certainly didn't make the technology irrelevant. (Though, it appears on closer look that 65% of the 18-29s used their cells for texting. So that is probably a more accurate look at why 22% is disappointing.)

Hmm.
posted by greekphilosophy at 2:00 PM on June 1, 2009


Arthur Kade is an amazing ego, that is also human.
posted by flippant at 2:49 PM on June 1, 2009


The key is to stick to it until you have an "aha!" moment.

Life is far, far too short for this approach.

I'll just lay in my prediction and we can come back to it later: I give Twitter 6 months before it starts to fade. In a year it will be like MySpace, a graveyard for latecomers who didn't get the message that the party was over before they heard about it.

Facebook is already fading away. You can smell the rot.
posted by fourcheesemac at 2:54 PM on June 1, 2009


Why do they ask for your twitter username and password to vote? Does twitter do third party authentication or is this some great scam to see how many twitter accounts they can hack?

I mean, they can go ahead and hack mine, if they like. I'm not too worried about my two tweets being, I dunno, whatever you can do with tweets after the fact. Edited? Deleted? Multiplied?
posted by jacquilynne at 5:13 PM on June 1, 2009


Some people use a service that I don't use. Feel my righteous indignation.
posted by LogicalDash at 5:13 PM on June 1, 2009


Metafilter: although if he's real, so are these tears.
posted by kaspen at 9:43 PM on June 1, 2009


Wait, wait, let me guess...you're a "social media consultant", right?

Pistols at dawn, sir.
posted by humannaire at 8:16 PM on June 4, 2009


So how many people here who hate Twitter have actually used it? (Show of hands, pls.) ANd how many of those were forced to do so? (Show of hands, pls.) How many of all the folks here have been forced to used Twitter?

I have used Twitter - I don't particularly like it. Oddly enough people follow me even though I never post a damn thing. I have a few friends who are really into it, and I've found it useful to check their tweets to see what they're doing if I don't hear from them for a while. Other than that, I really don't want people knowing what I'm doing all the time anyway. So, hmm - guess I'm not a hater - I appreciate why some folks like it - I just don't.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 11:22 AM on June 8, 2009


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