Dairy Odes
June 16, 2009 11:50 AM   Subscribe

Oh cow, oh cow, what are you thinking?      Should I leave the gate open?
Are you content?                                     Would you be happy?
Do you yearn?                                         Would you turn feral?

Do you want freedom?                               Oh cow
Greener pastures?                                     Moo cow
A bull?                                                    Run free cow

The Online Dairy Ode Contest was a light-hearted, web-based, sister competition to the James McIntyre Poetry Contest. It was held at irregular intervals from 2001 to 2005. The only criterion for entry was that the poems had to be Dairy Odes; ie about dairy products, cows, or dairying.
posted by carsonb (24 comments total) 7 users marked this as a favorite
'Once upon a time and a very good time it was there was a moocow coming down along the road and this moocow that was coming down along the road met a nicens little boy named baby tuckoo '
  /-------\/  -   Moo.
 / |     ||           
*  ||----||           
   ~~    ~~           

  /-------\/  -   MOO!!!
 / |     ||           
*  ||----||           
   ~~    ~~           
posted by cavalier at 11:53 AM on June 16, 2009 [3 favorites]

Dairy odes, huh? Well, I'll just go ahead and write one.

I do not like your milk, sir,
It is sour and you're a bilker.
Your butter has ruined my cracker
So I demand my money back, sir.

That's the best I can do on short notice.
posted by Astro Zombie at 11:56 AM on June 16, 2009

Of course you'll find,
If you're of a certain mind,
That many of the odes
Ignored the only code.
posted by carsonb at 11:57 AM on June 16, 2009

I love to join in, but I'm lactic-odes intolerent.
posted by permafrost at 11:58 AM on June 16, 2009 [2 favorites]

I just tried to write a prosaic response, but my boss came by and saw me.

I am now cowed.

He made fun of my dun shirt.

I am now brown cowed.


HOW... [sob] Now..... brown..... co......
posted by Debaser626 at 12:01 PM on June 16, 2009 [2 favorites]

Both farm cows and the
Aurora Borealis
indicate the poles
posted by elfgirl at 12:18 PM on June 16, 2009 [1 favorite]

I bare four breasts:
a cubist curse.
My calf is gone;
My milk still runs
a vacuum's thirst.
If I were bull
I'd stare the moon
into a sword:
my matador.
Instead I suckle
the unknown:
My minotaurs,
you bite so hard
so many teeth
that are not there.
Grow tall, two-legs,
do not forget:
I made your bones.
I, quadruped.
posted by kid ichorous at 12:22 PM on June 16, 2009 [4 favorites]

Why James McIntyre is Amazing:

Ode On the Mammoth Cheese
(weight over seven thousand pounds)

We have seen thee, queen of cheese,
Lying quietly at your ease,
Gently fanned by evening breeze,
Thy fair form no flies dare seize.

All gaily dressed soon you'll go
To the great Provincial show,
To be admired by many a beau
In the city of Toronto.

Cows numerous as a swarm of bees,
Or as the leaves upon the trees,
It did require to make thee please,
And stand unrivalled, queen of cheese.

May you not receive a scar as
We have heard that Mr. Harris
Intends to send you off as far as
The great world's show at Paris.

Of the youth beware of these,
For some of them might rudely squeeze
And bite your cheek, then songs or glees
We could not sing, oh! queen of cheese.

We'rt thou suspended from balloon,
You'd cast a shade even at noon,
Folk would think it was the moon
About to fall and crush them soon.
posted by Midnight Rambler at 12:24 PM on June 16, 2009 [2 favorites]

Interesting.For some reason,
I thought Mefi supportedtables

Good toknow...
posted by vhsiv at 12:29 PM on June 16, 2009

It worked in preview...
posted by vhsiv at 12:30 PM on June 16, 2009

old macdonald had
a farm
eeyi, eeyi, oh!
and on that farm he had
some cows
eeyi, eeyi, oh!
with a moo moo
and a moo moo
here a
there a
everywhere a
old macdonald had a farm
eeyi, eeyi, oh!

posted by brain_drain at 12:41 PM on June 16, 2009

Penguin Cafe Orchestra, "Zopf: Milk"


is of
my ilk

(apologies to Ogden Nash)
posted by not_on_display at 1:02 PM on June 16, 2009

From "Ode to the West Cow"


If I were a brass bell thou mightest ring;
If I were the thick cud to churn through thee;
A pail to fill beneath thy milking, and bring

The fresh cream of thy teats to cut some tea
Or vodka, O quite controllable! I ask
to play the cowherd still, to once more be

The comrade of thy wanderings over Grass,
As then, when to be mottled just like you
Scarce seemed a vision; more dearly now I'd pass

The time with thee as in some petting zoo.
Oh, lift me as a bell, a pail, some cud!
I graze upon the hay of life! I moo!

A heavy weight of hours has chained and cowed
One too like thee: placid, and slow, and loud.
posted by Iridic at 1:15 PM on June 16, 2009 [1 favorite]

In the pasture
I saw a creature, naked, bovine,
Who, standing upon the ground,
Saw a salt block in her path
And licked of it.
I said, "Is it good, cow?"
"It is salty—salty," she answered;

"But I like it
"Because it is salty,
"And because it is my salt."
posted by katillathehun at 1:18 PM on June 16, 2009 [3 favorites]

I just remembered that back in grade 10 we had to pick a number of poems for English class and analyze them. My favourite choice for my compilation was The Ode On The Mammoth Cheese.
posted by Midnight Rambler at 1:28 PM on June 16, 2009

Only one dairy ode that matters to me - 'Milk! Miiiilk! Milk!'
posted by pziemba at 1:37 PM on June 16, 2009 [2 favorites]

posted by cowbellemoo at 1:38 PM on June 16, 2009 [1 favorite]

this bespells doom.
posted by honest knave at 1:45 PM on June 16, 2009

Modified sweat
Creamy and wet
Is what you will get
From your big Jersey pet.

While on udders you squeeze
Let fly a big sneeze
Into the milk if you please
You're just making cheese.

Should this glandular theme
Unsavory seem
Fast, freeze that wet dream
And you scream, ice cream!
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 1:47 PM on June 16, 2009

oh cool is this a good place for me to write a poem about a Bonnacon?

The Bonnacon

This Vilde Kow of antiquity
Appears where'er there's plenty.
But beware of taking stick to the
Hind that he presents thee.

For as his long horns curl defenseless,
He's not without a weapon.
A fundamental diffidence
He'll shew you as he's steppin.

To pin him down is difficult...
That's if you even find him.
He'll add an injury to your insult
and leave dark clouds behind him.

Three acres of arching shit decree
The argument is over,
as the Bonnacon-- he burns to flee
from any greener pasture.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 2:27 PM on June 16, 2009 [1 favorite]

I love the atmosphere in this thread. You can almost smell the dairy air.
posted by Faint of Butt at 6:31 PM on June 16, 2009 [1 favorite]

There's a really great Far Side cartoon on cow poetry.
posted by orange swan at 9:55 PM on June 16, 2009 [1 favorite]

Cows with guns... a revolutionary bovine ode.
posted by YouRebelScum at 2:24 AM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

The chicken is a noble beast,
The cow is much forlorner,
Standing in the pouring rain
A leg on every corner.

I've always liked that one. Often attributed to William Topaz McGonagall (supposedly the world's worst poet), but I think it's actual author is unknown.
posted by tawny at 5:37 AM on June 17, 2009

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