He owns a mansion and a yacht
June 16, 2009 9:20 PM   Subscribe

Roman Abramovich, the Russian billionaire owner of Chelsea Football Club, has launched his 557-foot yacht, Eclipse.
posted by Joe Beese (75 comments total)
 
The Eclipse, which features a military-grade missile defense system, armor plating and bullet-proof windows... also has a submarine that can be launched underwater and dive to a depth of 160 ft. that doubles as an escape pod, as well as two helicopter pads.

Sounds more like the Disco Volante.
posted by Bummus at 9:25 PM on June 16, 2009 [5 favorites]


Totally unimpressive. You can build one of those in your back yard, or, for the more recently-divorced, in a closet.
posted by The White Hat at 9:26 PM on June 16, 2009 [5 favorites]


Even God couldn't sink that ship!

(Stands back; watches to see what happens.)
posted by Astro Zombie at 9:27 PM on June 16, 2009 [5 favorites]


small penis apparently
posted by tighttrousers at 9:35 PM on June 16, 2009


meh (the yacht, not the post).
posted by BrotherCaine at 9:35 PM on June 16, 2009 [1 favorite]


About the same size as a Ticonderoga-class cruiser, and about half the cost.
posted by moonbiter at 9:45 PM on June 16, 2009


See, the trouble with having something like this is that James Bonds are always trying to slip on board to foil your plans.
posted by mrnutty at 9:48 PM on June 16, 2009 [3 favorites]


A quote from one of the sponsored links on the last site: Warning! Do Not Get A Free Colon Cleanse Trial Before You Read This
Advertising on the web: you're doing it wrong
posted by a womble is an active kind of sloth at 9:54 PM on June 16, 2009 [1 favorite]


Leaving the dock [1] [2] [3].
posted by tellurian at 9:57 PM on June 16, 2009 [1 favorite]


So I was in this zippy little blockade runner, and this thing started passing us, and passing us, and passing us ....
posted by dhartung at 10:01 PM on June 16, 2009


Do you have to post something every day? This seems like more news of the weird than anything.
posted by Pants! at 10:01 PM on June 16, 2009 [7 favorites]


That's what I'm talkin' about.
posted by fusinski at 10:05 PM on June 16, 2009


See, the trouble with having something like this is that James Bonds are always trying to slip on board to foil your plans.

I'm pretty sure he's using Bond-repellant paint on the hull.
posted by pompomtom at 10:12 PM on June 16, 2009


Christ, what an asshole.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 10:12 PM on June 16, 2009


That's no yacht. This is a yacht
posted by Mei's lost sandal at 10:14 PM on June 16, 2009 [2 favorites]


¡Barça AMUNT, Chelsea AVALL!
posted by koeselitz at 10:23 PM on June 16, 2009 [1 favorite]


Missile-defense? Ha! I submit this is not a ship until it mounts 78 guns and features an armory glittering with cutlasses, gentlemen.
posted by Kikkoman at 10:33 PM on June 16, 2009 [2 favorites]


The Eclipse, which features a military-grade missile defense system, armor plating and bullet-proof windows... also has a submarine that can be launched underwater and dive to a depth of 160 ft. that doubles as an escape pod, as well as two helicopter pads.

If this is a dare, I accept!
posted by barnacles at 10:34 PM on June 16, 2009 [1 favorite]


That's no yacht. This is a yacht

Actually, I don't think Abramovich's crew need the training wheels.
posted by pompomtom at 10:45 PM on June 16, 2009 [1 favorite]


The guy's bio on Wikipedia is truly incredible.
posted by KokuRyu at 10:48 PM on June 16, 2009


The Maltese Falcon is my favorite ridiculous yacht.
posted by TheJoven at 10:49 PM on June 16, 2009 [2 favorites]


The coast of Somalia is particularly splendid at this time of year, Roman. No, really.
posted by Abiezer at 11:04 PM on June 16, 2009 [1 favorite]


Well once he's done sinking Chelsea he can work on this obscenity.
posted by dopamine at 11:32 PM on June 16, 2009


He owns a mansion and a yacht

Perhaps he needs psychotherapy. Excellent title.
posted by GuyZero at 11:34 PM on June 16, 2009 [2 favorites]


Brody is scooping chum into the sea from the back of the boat. Suddenly THE SHARK bursts from the water lunging at him.

Brody (turning around in shock): We're gonna need a bigger buh.. (stops suddenly)

Quint: Say again?

Brody: Never mind. We should be fine.
posted by Bonzai at 11:37 PM on June 16, 2009 [3 favorites]


Unfortunately my yacht is an inner tube with a cooler tied to the side. A name only gets you so far in life.
posted by Roman Graves at 11:37 PM on June 16, 2009 [1 favorite]


I think the SNL "I'm On A Boat" video about sums up this whole thing neatly.
posted by crapmatic at 11:56 PM on June 16, 2009 [2 favorites]


Why are so many of these Russian oligarchs located in London now?
posted by Auden at 12:16 AM on June 17, 2009


small penis apparently
posted by tighttrousers

As eponysterical as we could find on short notice...

But if you're looking for a Silicon Valley mogul's yacht...
posted by wendell at 12:23 AM on June 17, 2009 [2 favorites]


I'd rather have one of these, but then I figure if you got the scratch, why not get something good looking.
posted by From Bklyn at 12:52 AM on June 17, 2009


The guy's bio on Wikipedia is truly incredible.

"Mr Abramovich began his business career selling plastic ducks from a Moscow apartment, but within a few years[1] his wealth spread from oil conglomerates to pig farms"

[1] A short period of extreme extortion, evasion, and underhanded dealings including but not limited to drugs, arms, and trafficking in women (you know, the usual happenings in power vacuums resulting from crumbled empires)

I'm happy the guy has a yacht and a mediocre soccer team, but I'd be suprised if he can sleep at night.
posted by clearly at 1:18 AM on June 17, 2009 [2 favorites]


The Eclipse, which features a military-grade missile defense system, armor plating and bullet-proof windows... also has a submarine that can be launched underwater and dive to a depth of 160 ft. that doubles as an escape pod, as well as two helicopter pads.

I think we need to be on the lookout for orbital death rays at this point.

I'm happy the guy has a yacht and a mediocre soccer team, but I'd be suprised if he can sleep at night.

Comforting as it would be to believe otherwise, I'd bet he sleeps soundly.
posted by rodgerd at 1:31 AM on June 17, 2009


I have been on a few of those world class yachts, and indeed he does sleep soundly.
posted by brando_calrissian at 1:39 AM on June 17, 2009


"Why are so many of these Russian oligarchs located in London now?"

Favourable tax regime for non-domiciled foreigners, combined with a large Russian ex-pat community and the knowledge that the rule of law prevents the UK govt from doing a Yukos. It's also somewhere that won't easily give them up for extradition, which helps. IMHO, anyway.
posted by jaduncan at 1:43 AM on June 17, 2009


It's also somewhere that won't easily give them up for extradition

Really? I seem to recall them throwing a few executives to the American wolves over Enron.
posted by srboisvert at 1:52 AM on June 17, 2009


The coast of Somalia is particularly splendid at this time of year, Roman. No, really.

I'm interested in the way the more ostentatious your toys the fewer the places you can take them out to play. If you are ever in the vicinity of Monaco take time to have a look at the harbour - it will be packed with super-yachts including, probably, The Eclipse. In the winter it will be in the the Caymans or Bermuda. Perhaps the odd trip to Rio, Sydney, New York, London, Dubai. That's about it.
posted by rongorongo at 2:23 AM on June 17, 2009


On a more mundane level remember a friend of a friend saying that's why he gave up his fancy road bike - basically, you had to chain it to your garage floor and never let it leave your sight if you took it out for a ride or it was odds on to get nicked. Of course, he couldn't afford a SMERSH-like army of henchmen to protect it like Mr Abramovich can.
posted by Abiezer at 2:31 AM on June 17, 2009


When I was in Venice I saw what was, for me, the largest yacht in existence. I took a picture of it and when I got back home some googling turned out it was Le Grand Bleu, which had belonged to (surprise) Roman Abromovich. He seems to have gotten bored with it after four years because he gave it (and that's gave as in 'not sell') to one of his business partners Eugene Shvidler.
posted by PenDevil at 2:59 AM on June 17, 2009


dopamine: Well once he's done sinking Chelsea he can work on this obscenity.

Sinking Chelsea? As I recall, Chelsea was very nearly collapsing under its own weight, at least financially, until this Russian dude stepped in and started throwing money around like it was so much chaff. I mean, the last six years have been Chelsea's finest in history, haven't they? They're currently third- or fourth-place in Europe (depending on how you rank them against Arsenal) and they were second-place before that.

Football's just like any sport: if you get a few people with a good eye for the game and give them unlimited funds, they'll probably do well. I mean, we're talking about a guy who, in 2003, bought Chelsea FC for £60 million up-front—and then paid off Chelsea FC's £96 million in debt out of his own pocket—and then, as though £156 million simply wasn't enough to spend on a football team in the space of two months, threw caution to the wind and dropped £100 million more of his own pocket money, beyond the team budget, on players, coaches and staff before start of season.

You can call Roman Abramovich lots of things—he's probably as underhanded and as sleazy as they come, willing to do just about anything to maintain his wealth—but the guy loves his football, and he's certainly done more for the financial and even athletic state of Chelsea FC than any other owner that club has ever had.

By the way, I think it's hilarious the way that this old Telegraph article describing his purchase of the team ends:
…Chelsea have won cup glory, qualified for the Champions League…but also run up debts of £96 million which have lately restricted their activities in the transfer market.

Now it seems the buying season could restart and Jonathan Clare, a PR spokesman for Abramovich who described the Russian as a billionaire several times over, said Chelsea's debt will be largely irrelevant.
I love that he had a PR spokesman at the press conferences whose sole purpose seems to have been to tell everyone: “Don't worry. Seriously. My boss has huge wads of cash. Really, he's filthy fucking rich. £96 million? Not a problem. Round about the third time he became a billionaire, he gave up hope of ever having the time to spend it all anyhow.”
posted by koeselitz at 3:37 AM on June 17, 2009 [2 favorites]


Russian LOLigarch.
posted by Cantdosleepy at 3:53 AM on June 17, 2009


I am in my boat, buying ur players?

Favourable tax regime for non-domiciled foreigners...

Indeedy. People forget that the UK is a tax haven. Even our tax offices are owned by an offshore company.

And as much as I loath Chelski, they are far from being a mediocre team. One of the top 5 in Europe with some of the best players in the world. Too many of their fans are total knobends tho'. Celebrity bandwagoneers (I'm looking at you Damon Albarn) and rich idiots who wouldn't know which end of a football to kick along with the ageing knuckle-draggers who blighted the terraces for much of the 70's & 80's.
posted by i_cola at 4:07 AM on June 17, 2009


160 feet deep is seriously weak sauce for a submarine.
posted by snofoam at 4:08 AM on June 17, 2009


also has a submarine that can be launched underwater and dive to a depth of 160 ft. that doubles as an escape pod, as well as two helicopter pads

I wanted to know how the submarine worked as a helipad. Then I re-read it...
posted by twine42 at 4:57 AM on June 17, 2009


[1] A short period of extreme extortion, evasion, and underhanded dealings including but not limited to drugs, arms, and trafficking in women (you know, the usual happenings in power vacuums resulting from crumbled empires)

Nobody makes billions peddling drugs and girls. He earned his money selling something much more addictive and sexier. Oil and Aluminium. Certainly there was violence, extortion and underhanded dealings, but drug dealers and pimps don't make billions.
posted by Authorized User at 5:20 AM on June 17, 2009 [2 favorites]


I'd be suprised if he can sleep at night.

Those beds-made-of-money are surprisingly comfortable.
posted by Navelgazer at 5:29 AM on June 17, 2009


The Eclipse, which features a military-grade missile defense system...

Where can I get my consumer-grade missile defense system?
posted by geos at 6:03 AM on June 17, 2009 [2 favorites]


If he gets another one, he should name it Raymond. /montypythonjoke.
posted by kldickson at 6:27 AM on June 17, 2009


"A mansion und a yacht"!
posted by ericbop at 6:29 AM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]


want
posted by gagglezoomer at 6:41 AM on June 17, 2009


I wonder what the people-fucked-over-per-meter quotient is.
posted by Benny Andajetz at 6:54 AM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]


Why are so many of these Russian oligarchs located in London now?

Besides what people have said above, London is also an important, if not the most important, hub of European finance.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 6:55 AM on June 17, 2009


Chealsea FC : soccer :: New York Yankees : baseball
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 6:57 AM on June 17, 2009 [2 favorites]


> > It's also somewhere that won't easily give them up for extradition
> Really? I seem to recall them throwing a few executives to the American wolves over Enron.


At a guess, England might have an extradition treaty with the U.S. but not Russia. More practically, who gets extradited can be as much a function of what's politically expedient to the country hosting the expat as it is to formal treaties.

Most of the ex-Soviet countries seems content with the expat oligarchs' status, as long as they can keep tabs on them. Their occasional complaints to the contrary sound weak and are never followed up. Somebody living large enough to make the tabloids, such as Abramovich, doesn't need secret agents to monitor. If things go awry, knocking them off and garnishing their assets is quicker and easier than navigating international law.
posted by ardgedee at 6:58 AM on June 17, 2009


Cool Papa Bell: "Chealsea FC : soccer :: New York Yankees : baseball"

Being ignorant of European football, I was going to ask if Abramovich was basically George Steinbrenner. I'll take that as a Yes.
posted by Joe Beese at 6:58 AM on June 17, 2009




also has a submarine that can be launched underwater

Yo dawg, we heard you like to launch while you lunch...
posted by jquinby at 7:43 AM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]


Should have spent that cash on replacements for Drogba, Carvalho and Deco.


Chealsea FC : soccer :: New York Yankees : baseball


That should be Man U., not Chelsea. Both have won the most titles in their respective leagues.

Chelsea are anything but "mediocre". They are the one of the best sides in Europe.

Roman actually saved Chelsea from mediocrity. They were one missed penalty from winning The Champions League last year and they were completely robbed of going to the final this year by the referee. They had Barcelona beaten. And Barcelona went to the final and beat up on Man U.
posted by Zambrano at 7:57 AM on June 17, 2009


I think I'll require this boat for my mobile HQ while implementing my plans for world domination.
posted by Sargas at 8:04 AM on June 17, 2009


Both this man and his boat suck.
posted by barrett caulk at 8:57 AM on June 17, 2009


Too many of their fans are total knobends tho'. Celebrity bandwagoneers (I'm looking at you Damon Albarn) and rich idiots who wouldn't know which end of a football to kick along with the ageing knuckle-draggers who blighted the terraces for much of the 70's & 80's.


Amen. Then again, I do support the club literally just down the road.
posted by ob at 9:05 AM on June 17, 2009


It's also somewhere that won't easily give them up for extradition, which helps.

Extradition to Russia is roughly equivalent to extradition to Iran or China; no sane Western nation would ever want to set that precedent.
posted by Krrrlson at 9:32 AM on June 17, 2009


His ego and self worth are bloating other definitions, too. 40 people does not a "private army" make. I'm sure there are Colombian businessmen of questionable means who would easily best you in the size of their trained personnel.
posted by filthy light thief at 9:44 AM on June 17, 2009


Sounds more like the Disco Volante.

I was wondering if it could slit in two and have the front half drive off as a super fast boat.
posted by Artw at 9:54 AM on June 17, 2009


As I understand it the big break for Abramovich came when the US advisors told the Russian government to give shares in the previously publicly owned oil companies to the employees. Due to the rapid inflation and devaluation of the ruble they could not buy food, so the likes of Mr A snapped up the shares for next to nothing, buying them from the starving.
The invisible hand!

The destruction of the Russian economy was not enough to prove their point, so they applied the same thinking to Afghanistan and Iraq.
posted by asok at 9:58 AM on June 17, 2009


Hey, take a week off from posting. Seriously. Get some sun.
posted by xmutex at 10:00 AM on June 17, 2009


I think the theory that Abramovich basically took all the propaganda he'd heard about evil capitalists being gangsters and crooks that do everything within their power to extort the little guy and just went with it holds a lot of water.
posted by Artw at 10:01 AM on June 17, 2009


Has he got a tall beefy bodyguard with all-metal teeth, yet?
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 10:19 AM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]


I'm riding on a dolphin, doing flips and shit
The dolphin's splashing, getting everybody all wet
But this ain't Seaworld, this is real as it gets
I'm on a boat, motherfucker, don't you ever forget
posted by PenDevil at 10:33 AM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]


Considering the extensive corruption in european soccer clubs, this bit of news does not surprise me one bit.
posted by TMcGregor at 11:53 AM on June 17, 2009


Nobody makes billions peddling drugs and girls.
posted by Authorized User at 5:20 AM
Maybe not billions, plural. But Billion? Let me introduce you to Joaquin "Shorty" Guzman, Forbes 701th richest person, with a net worth of $1.0 Billion. He deserves his own FPP, but I'm kinda lazy.
posted by ShadowCrash at 12:01 PM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]


Zambrano: They were one missed penalty from winning The Champions League last year and they were completely robbed of going to the final this year by the referee. They had Barcelona beaten. And Barcelona went to the final and beat up on Man U.

I'm very sorry, but, despite wide sentiment to the contrary, the referee didn't rob Chelsea of that game at all. ‘They had Barcelona beaten?’ By this, I expect you mean to say ‘they had the tremendous luck to have the blind idiot of a referee send off Barça's best fullback in one of the most ridiculous uses of the red card in history,’ right?

People love to go and on about how there were ‘four uncalled penalties!’ but from where I was sitting at home (and, really, from any clear perspective) only one of those botched calls actually would have resulted in a penalty if called correctly: Pique's obvious handball in the box.

All in all, the dipshit of a referee sent off Éric Abidal, one of Barcelona's best and one of the best fullbacks in La Liga, and denied Chelsea a penalty; and anybody who believes that losing a star fullback should have cost Barcelona a hell of a lot more than a goal isn't paying much attention to the fundamentals of the game. It may have been a bitter defeat for Chelsea, but any team that held up its side for 91 minutes and rode through the last 26 or so of those minutes with only ten men and disallowed any scoring after the eight-minute mark and finally pulled it out to score and win deserves what they got. Yes, Chelsea played well (Essien's goal was really beautiful, I must admit) but Barça earned the game, all conspiracy theories and what-if scenarios to the contrary.
posted by koeselitz at 12:41 PM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]


Authorized User: Nobody makes billions peddling drugs and girls. He earned his money selling something much more addictive and sexier. Oil and Aluminium. Certainly there was violence, extortion and underhanded dealings, but drug dealers and pimps don't make billions.

Of course he made his money in things like oil and aluminum; everybody knows that sex slavery, arms dealing, drug trafficking, football club ownership, and all those sordid, unsavory things Russian billionaires like to indulge in are things you do after you've made your billions.

You make the money by cozying up to corrupt government officials, taking advantage of virtually nonexistent regulatory oversight in times of turmoil, learning how to have enemies killed carefully and covertly and just generally being ahead of the curve as far as the things which capitalist scoundrels have been practicing for years.
posted by koeselitz at 12:57 PM on June 17, 2009


ShadowCrash: Let me introduce you to Joaquin "Shorty" Guzman, Forbes 701th richest person, with a net worth of $1.0 Billion. He deserves his own FPP, but I'm kinda lazy.

Heh. He is pretty interesting. From the Wiki page you linked: (emphasis mine)

Guzmán reportedly strolled into a caborca sonora restaurant called " Las Tostadas Sirverias" which is located in the center of Nuevo Laredo, with a fleet of bodyguards. After taking his seat, his men collected the cell phones of approximately forty diners and instructed them to not be alarmed. After eating he dropped a handful of hundred-dollar bills on the table and walked to the door. He turned around and said, "Order what you want, and I'll pay," and went on his way. So far as of April 2009, no other Drug lord has done what "El Chapo" did that day and many other times. His supporters in Mexico claim that he doesn't harm anyone and he is a gentlemen with the women, but he is always armed with high caliber weapons for self-protection only.


In addition to his crimes of drug trafficking, murder, criminal organization and pretty vast and blatant intimidation, we can apparently add: breaking Wikipedia's rule against editing articles about yourself.
posted by koeselitz at 1:12 PM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]


Is he here?
posted by jckll at 2:01 PM on June 17, 2009


That should be Man U., not Chelsea. Both have won the most titles in their respective leagues.

Man U is still only even with Liverpool, and well behind them in Europe.
posted by rodgerd at 3:23 PM on June 17, 2009


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