King of the one (maybe two) liners
August 25, 2009 4:31 PM   Subscribe

Joshua Green Allen, who has been posting great internet for more than 15 years, if not longer, merges seamlessly with a new technology. If any twitter account is worth being renowned far and wide for hilarity: His Is.

Also starring in: Diary of a Copywriter
One stop shopping.

Previously: 1, 2, 3
posted by Potomac Avenue (27 comments total) 40 users marked this as a favorite
You can train an African Grey parrot to beat me at Yahtzee! but I guess you can't train him to not be a big dick about it

*smashes follow button*
posted by tylerfulltilt at 4:55 PM on August 25, 2009

Oh my God. This is hilarious.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 5:01 PM on August 25, 2009

sorry for commenting again so quickly, but I wanted to thank you for letting me know that this little number right here existed on the webz
posted by tylerfulltilt at 5:04 PM on August 25, 2009 [2 favorites]

Had me at:

My son said "I love you, sir" for the first time. I slapped him and sent him away, then stood at my study window, mustache wet with tears.
posted by zerobyproxy at 5:20 PM on August 25, 2009 [1 favorite]

OK, one more time: GIN is made with BERRIES. BERRIES go on CEREAL. What the fuck are they teaching you at that kindergarten anyway.
9:52 AM Jan 28th from web

I actually LOL'd at that. Why haven't I heard of this guy before?
posted by R_Nebblesworth at 5:20 PM on August 25, 2009

Speaking of twitterlarity
posted by DU at 5:21 PM on August 25, 2009 [2 favorites]

howd i gett wine biottles stuck on evry goddaam fingr

That's a very amusing image.
posted by Askiba at 5:24 PM on August 25, 2009

Oh, yay! I'm already following fireland on Twitter. Great imagery in 140 words? Ur doing it right.
posted by misha at 5:55 PM on August 25, 2009

I think up hilarious shit for twitter all the time, but I don't post it because I despise my followers.
posted by digsrus at 5:59 PM on August 25, 2009 [1 favorite]

*unfollows digsrus*
posted by misha at 6:02 PM on August 25, 2009

Pretty funny. If he can't keep it up, do his followers get to say that his old tweets were soo much better?
posted by defenestration at 6:10 PM on August 25, 2009

Ha your baby sure can take a punch good stuff.
posted by vito90 at 6:24 PM on August 25, 2009

posted by Fiery Jack at 6:27 PM on August 25, 2009

Remember the vow you took on our wedding day? Then PUT ON THE GODDAMN CHEWBACCA COSTUME.

I'm dyin' over here.
posted by JaredSeth at 6:35 PM on August 25, 2009

This one at Wiretap Follies is especially good.
posted by dammitjim at 7:06 PM on August 25, 2009

I think I'm in love.
posted by ancientgower at 7:17 PM on August 25, 2009

He dreams about us too.
posted by Quietgal at 7:22 PM on August 25, 2009 [2 favorites]

I was halfway through the appendectomy when I realized that Wikipedia was full of shit.

heh heh heh... Excellent find, Potomac Avenue.
posted by applemeat at 7:42 PM on August 25, 2009

This is gold.
posted by flippant at 8:43 PM on August 25, 2009

whenever I tweet something even remotely witty or fanciful, it's like there's a prize for the fastest reply that steps on the joke,with bonus points for replying with a stupid literal question.

Which is probably a good indicator that either I'm nowhere near as funny as this person, or my friends are really dumb.
posted by billyfleetwood at 9:08 PM on August 25, 2009

It kills me that twitter is down right now. Is that part of the joke?
posted by feloniousmonk at 9:37 PM on August 25, 2009

Help, I can't stop favoriting almost all of them.
posted by Brainy at 10:05 PM on August 25, 2009

"Oh, so this was just a one-time thing? Fine, whatever. Go back out there and throw the bouquet. Wait, your veil's caught in my nipple ring."

Amazing find. Allen is the end of the rainbow for short short form comedy. Finally I've found a reason to visit and use Twitter. Allen even sounds like I thought he would—his now defunct podcast on
posted by Glee at 2:15 AM on August 26, 2009

Yes, I know I'm late to the game, but I just have to go on record on saying how much I've loved many of these. I have officially decided to stop trying to be funny on twitter because there's no way I can reach such great heights as these. This guy officially made my day yesterday, and he keeps doing it today.

Hm, looks like Grandpa learned how to send text messages. And somehow managed to misspell "fag."

posted by MCMikeNamara at 10:47 AM on August 26, 2009

These are really good. It made me wonder if Jack Handey might have a twitter account, so I checked, and Bingo! (Sadly, I think they're all repeats. But check it out: web site!)
posted by Atom Eyes at 11:00 AM on August 26, 2009 [1 favorite]

Flowers, sailor suit, flask, proof of employment, Ativan. OK, I think I'm ready for Mother's Day.

Been on hold so long I can't remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn't really narrow it down much.

Almost a week since the Gay Pride Parade and I'm still finding sequins in my underwear and runaways on my futon.

Gold mine. Thanks!
posted by notashroom at 11:57 AM on August 26, 2009

These reminded me of The Onion's horoscopes.
posted by applemeat at 12:01 PM on August 26, 2009 [1 favorite]

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