Are you name beetle juice
October 26, 2009 6:47 AM Subscribe
Throw in some black actors names, add 30 "fuck"s, white woman for audience approval = funny!
posted by cashman at 6:53 AM on October 26, 2009
posted by cashman at 6:53 AM on October 26, 2009
Motherfucker got me fucked up.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 6:55 AM on October 26, 2009
posted by robocop is bleeding at 6:55 AM on October 26, 2009
Well, it's no Ghostbusters 2, that's for sure.
posted by CheshireCat at 6:57 AM on October 26, 2009 [2 favorites]
posted by CheshireCat at 6:57 AM on October 26, 2009 [2 favorites]
So you are the great cortex, matt was talking
About.
posted by Smart Dalek at 6:58 AM on October 26, 2009
About.
posted by Smart Dalek at 6:58 AM on October 26, 2009
Micheal Keaton's services will not be necessary. If you make it all the way to the end, you see the cast list:
CAST
DILL…….JAMIE FOXX
BEETLEJUICE……CHRIS TUCKER
MATT………NICK CANNON
LILLY……..CAMARON DIAZ
IAN………….Tom 'Tiny' Lister Jr.
posted by Jugwine at 6:59 AM on October 26, 2009 [1 favorite]
CAST
DILL…….JAMIE FOXX
BEETLEJUICE……CHRIS TUCKER
MATT………NICK CANNON
LILLY……..CAMARON DIAZ
IAN………….Tom 'Tiny' Lister Jr.
posted by Jugwine at 6:59 AM on October 26, 2009 [1 favorite]
they remade "Christmas Story"
Wait, what?
posted by uncleozzy at 7:06 AM on October 26, 2009 [5 favorites]
Wait, what?
posted by uncleozzy at 7:06 AM on October 26, 2009 [5 favorites]
HEY MATT! did you still love Francine.
MATT
no.
I think gonna check film when hits
posted by scrutiny at 7:08 AM on October 26, 2009
MATT
no.
I think gonna check film when hits
posted by scrutiny at 7:08 AM on October 26, 2009
(as tall as grape)
Seriously, this whole script is like a koan asked to all of Hollywood.
posted by xingcat at 7:10 AM on October 26, 2009 [3 favorites]
Seriously, this whole script is like a koan asked to all of Hollywood.
posted by xingcat at 7:10 AM on October 26, 2009 [3 favorites]
But is it literature?
posted by argybarg at 7:17 AM on October 26, 2009 [7 favorites]
posted by argybarg at 7:17 AM on October 26, 2009 [7 favorites]
Can someone explain this to me?
posted by not_on_display at 7:18 AM on October 26, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by not_on_display at 7:18 AM on October 26, 2009 [1 favorite]
are making an "Asteroids" movie (based on the video game)
I thought you had to be joking. You were not.
End times, my friends. End times.
posted by adamdschneider at 7:19 AM on October 26, 2009
I thought you had to be joking. You were not.
End times, my friends. End times.
posted by adamdschneider at 7:19 AM on October 26, 2009
cjorgensen: the A-Team remake sadly isn't rumor, but thankfully I can find not evidence of this Christmas Story remake-travesty you speak of.
posted by namewithoutwords at 7:21 AM on October 26, 2009
posted by namewithoutwords at 7:21 AM on October 26, 2009
Metafilter: Come in and have some coffee
Make yourself at home
And shit.
posted by RokkitNite at 7:24 AM on October 26, 2009 [3 favorites]
Make yourself at home
And shit.
posted by RokkitNite at 7:24 AM on October 26, 2009 [3 favorites]
I'm still waiting for a Star Wars Holiday Special re-make. You know, for the geeks out there (or because George Lucas wants to redeem himself, or make a few extra bucks.
posted by filthy light thief at 7:25 AM on October 26, 2009
Shouldn't you be working be working on your aluminum brackets instead of posting?
posted by digsrus at 7:30 AM on October 26, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by digsrus at 7:30 AM on October 26, 2009 [1 favorite]
Their was a terrible mess
That took place in the Mexican boarder.
The Mexican government believe
It was a confuse drunk driver.
Cia are looking for two
Black male with a '93 Honda.
Fbi are also investigate this accident.
This guy's limericks don't scan.
posted by uncleozzy at 7:30 AM on October 26, 2009 [3 favorites]
That took place in the Mexican boarder.
The Mexican government believe
It was a confuse drunk driver.
Cia are looking for two
Black male with a '93 Honda.
Fbi are also investigate this accident.
This guy's limericks don't scan.
posted by uncleozzy at 7:30 AM on October 26, 2009 [3 favorites]
Wow, it's really heartbreaking seeing Joe Eszterhas decline like this. Alzheimers is a cruel, cruel thing.
posted by Naberius at 7:30 AM on October 26, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by Naberius at 7:30 AM on October 26, 2009 [1 favorite]
Shouldn't you be working be working on your aluminum brackets instead of posting?
posted by digsrus at 7:30 AM on October 26
It's in god's hands now, digsrus; I can only wait.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 7:32 AM on October 26, 2009
posted by digsrus at 7:30 AM on October 26
It's in god's hands now, digsrus; I can only wait.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 7:32 AM on October 26, 2009
I thought this was amusing during the first read. But when I read Beetlejuice is to be played by Chris Tucker, that second reading was comedy gold.
posted by munchingzombie at 7:38 AM on October 26, 2009
posted by munchingzombie at 7:38 AM on October 26, 2009
As a former English teacher I decry this as a fraud.
Most people who are capable of this type of writing would be confused between the character and the actor playing him or her.
So you wouldn't have Dill: Jamie Foxx, you'd have Jamie: Jamie Foxx.
Seriously, it made me want to pull out my hair.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 7:39 AM on October 26, 2009
Most people who are capable of this type of writing would be confused between the character and the actor playing him or her.
So you wouldn't have Dill: Jamie Foxx, you'd have Jamie: Jamie Foxx.
Seriously, it made me want to pull out my hair.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 7:39 AM on October 26, 2009
I like how there's no supernatural elements whatsoever. I really want to know who he considered for the pivotal role of Fat Joe.
posted by minifigs at 7:57 AM on October 26, 2009
posted by minifigs at 7:57 AM on October 26, 2009
i absolutely do not have time to read all that right now. but i'm seriously thinking about getting a few friends together & putting that bad boy on!
posted by msconduct at 8:02 AM on October 26, 2009
posted by msconduct at 8:02 AM on October 26, 2009
KID Who would you rather bone, j-lo or Jack Nicholson?
DILL Jack Nicholson now, or in 1974?
I still don't know how I would answer that.
posted by Astro Zombie at 8:10 AM on October 26, 2009 [3 favorites]
DILL Jack Nicholson now, or in 1974?
I still don't know how I would answer that.
posted by Astro Zombie at 8:10 AM on October 26, 2009 [3 favorites]
Did pita write this?
posted by Kronos_to_Earth at 8:12 AM on October 26, 2009
posted by Kronos_to_Earth at 8:12 AM on October 26, 2009
The "Nicholson now or in 1974" joke is from Billy Madison.
posted by brain_drain at 8:13 AM on October 26, 2009
posted by brain_drain at 8:13 AM on October 26, 2009
Hey, maybe this means they can finalyl get that Minesweeper movie made.
posted by adamdschneider at 8:14 AM on October 26, 2009 [2 favorites]
posted by adamdschneider at 8:14 AM on October 26, 2009 [2 favorites]
What the hell did I just read?
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:52 AM on October 26, 2009
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:52 AM on October 26, 2009
This is inspiring me to write my own screenplay. I think it will star Republicans for several reasons: A: America loves an underdog, B: Republicans are jerks so most people can relate to them, and C: They'll pay me a lot of money for rebranding. I don't think I'll win over any votes with this, but it will get some people to idolize Republicans as icons of a congress that used to exist, like people feel about cowboys.
I'm thinking I'll basically rip off an old Robin Williams movie and call it "Death Panel Society." A bunch of junior Republican congressmen and right wing pundits go into the stodgy old house of representatives and decide to rebel and learn to seize the day. They stand up to grumpy old Michael Steele to follow the inspiring words of a young orator named Rush Limbaugh. Tragedy strikes when Glenn Beck commits suicide after Lindsey Graham, his aging father figure, accuses him of being a crybaby. In the end, the entire minority stands up to Nancy Pelosi and Obama by standing on their chairs and shouting "You lie!" lead by Joe Wilson.
posted by mccarty.tim at 8:57 AM on October 26, 2009 [1 favorite]
I'm thinking I'll basically rip off an old Robin Williams movie and call it "Death Panel Society." A bunch of junior Republican congressmen and right wing pundits go into the stodgy old house of representatives and decide to rebel and learn to seize the day. They stand up to grumpy old Michael Steele to follow the inspiring words of a young orator named Rush Limbaugh. Tragedy strikes when Glenn Beck commits suicide after Lindsey Graham, his aging father figure, accuses him of being a crybaby. In the end, the entire minority stands up to Nancy Pelosi and Obama by standing on their chairs and shouting "You lie!" lead by Joe Wilson.
posted by mccarty.tim at 8:57 AM on October 26, 2009 [1 favorite]
At a measly 24 pages, this is one short film. At best: 35 minutes. Maybe it's a TV "script".
Eeeeeyikes that was funny.
ad
posted by adamd1 at 9:04 AM on October 26, 2009
Eeeeeyikes that was funny.
ad
posted by adamd1 at 9:04 AM on October 26, 2009
On second thought, replace Lindsey Graham with Bill O'Reilly.
posted by mccarty.tim at 9:04 AM on October 26, 2009
posted by mccarty.tim at 9:04 AM on October 26, 2009
[He acts like he does]
posted by regicide is good for you at 9:05 AM on October 26, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by regicide is good for you at 9:05 AM on October 26, 2009 [1 favorite]
You are under arrest for assault battering at public restaurant.
(applause)
posted by mintcake! at 9:07 AM on October 26, 2009
(applause)
posted by mintcake! at 9:07 AM on October 26, 2009
A-Team 2010 on IMDb. I'm intrigued to see how Sharlto Copley does as Captain H. M. "Howling Mad" Murdock.
Also, I forsee Mohamud Yusuf as the next Tommy Wiseau, except he's humble for not casting himself as the lead.
posted by filthy light thief at 9:31 AM on October 26, 2009
Also, I forsee Mohamud Yusuf as the next Tommy Wiseau, except he's humble for not casting himself as the lead.
posted by filthy light thief at 9:31 AM on October 26, 2009
His mom and dad rushes in the room and the mother grabs dill's head
AAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
posted by katillathehun at 9:33 AM on October 26, 2009
AAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
posted by katillathehun at 9:33 AM on October 26, 2009
:-/
posted by jeffamaphone at 9:42 AM on October 26, 2009
posted by jeffamaphone at 9:42 AM on October 26, 2009
While not a remake, there was, indeed, a Christmas Story sequel.
posted by MrMoonPie at 9:45 AM on October 26, 2009
posted by MrMoonPie at 9:45 AM on October 26, 2009
I'm excited they're releasing The Road, which at least should be an original film, right? As opposed to all these remakes--I hear Keira Knightley is going to be in the remake of My Fair Lady, for chrissakes.
posted by misha at 10:22 AM on October 26, 2009
posted by misha at 10:22 AM on October 26, 2009
If T. is busy, perhaps Yaphet Kotto? He was brilliant in Midnight Run, where he demonstrated a fierceness that would perfectly match the role. (Can I mention that I discovered the Foster Grant world headquarters in Rhode Island a few years ago? It brought a smile to my face.)
posted by wenestvedt at 10:26 AM on October 26, 2009
posted by wenestvedt at 10:26 AM on October 26, 2009
and I heard rumor on an "A-Team" remake,
I have this dread fascination with the direction Hollywood is headed; between the aforementioned nonesense that is Asteroids and WTF-ness of Ridley Scott maybe making Monopoly , I have to assume that they are just completely out of ideas. So I'm waiting for them to startdestroying mining other pieces of my childhood; Simon and Simon? MacGyver? I just know it's going to happen.
Though, if they are really committed to this direction, they should go meta and make a film that follows a jaundiced, bald kid running through a labyrinth haunted house eating massive quantities of pills and being chased by ghosts, all while a constant stream of catchy electronica plays in the background. I mean, if you are going to do Pac Man, you might as well do it right.
posted by quin at 10:35 AM on October 26, 2009 [1 favorite]
I have this dread fascination with the direction Hollywood is headed; between the aforementioned nonesense that is Asteroids and WTF-ness of Ridley Scott maybe making Monopoly , I have to assume that they are just completely out of ideas. So I'm waiting for them to start
Though, if they are really committed to this direction, they should go meta and make a film that follows a jaundiced, bald kid running through a labyrinth haunted house eating massive quantities of pills and being chased by ghosts, all while a constant stream of catchy electronica plays in the background. I mean, if you are going to do Pac Man, you might as well do it right.
posted by quin at 10:35 AM on October 26, 2009 [1 favorite]
Considering Yaphet Kotto is 72 years old, I kind of doubt he's in the running for B.A. Stranger things have happened, I suppose.
posted by MrMoonPie at 10:52 AM on October 26, 2009
posted by MrMoonPie at 10:52 AM on October 26, 2009
A-Team remake at IMDB
Liam Neeson as Hannibal
Brad Cooper as Face
Sharlto Copely as Murdock (Copely is something of an unknown, though he was in District 9)
Quinton "Rampage" Jackson as B.A. (Jackson is a mixed martial arts fighter)
Several period black vans as the van.
Pics and stuff.
I don't know _why_ they're doing it, but if they're going to remake the A-Team, at least they seem to be taking it all kind of seriously.
posted by Naberius at 11:36 AM on October 26, 2009
Liam Neeson as Hannibal
Brad Cooper as Face
Sharlto Copely as Murdock (Copely is something of an unknown, though he was in District 9)
Quinton "Rampage" Jackson as B.A. (Jackson is a mixed martial arts fighter)
Several period black vans as the van.
Pics and stuff.
I don't know _why_ they're doing it, but if they're going to remake the A-Team, at least they seem to be taking it all kind of seriously.
posted by Naberius at 11:36 AM on October 26, 2009
if they're going to remake the A-Team, at least they seem to be taking it all kind of seriously.
I don't know if "taking it seriously" is the proper approach to a show that featured a black guy with a mohawk who only drank milk and had to be drugged every episode in order to get on a plane.
posted by Saxon Kane at 11:50 AM on October 26, 2009
I don't know if "taking it seriously" is the proper approach to a show that featured a black guy with a mohawk who only drank milk and had to be drugged every episode in order to get on a plane.
posted by Saxon Kane at 11:50 AM on October 26, 2009
Several period black vans as the van.
Two vans is not enough vans.
posted by MidAtlantic at 11:52 AM on October 26, 2009
Two vans is not enough vans.
posted by MidAtlantic at 11:52 AM on October 26, 2009
Me: Ay gurl wen u gona let me tap dat?
Her: Hey Magnum. Work is slow, gonna get off early. Meet?
Me: Giggidy!
posted by ninjew at 11:54 AM on October 26, 2009
Her: Hey Magnum. Work is slow, gonna get off early. Meet?
Me: Giggidy!
posted by ninjew at 11:54 AM on October 26, 2009
I haven't read a lot of movie scripts; does my inability to get through this one mean I'm not cut out for the task in general? Because that thing really plods along in the beginning. Does it get better?
They're apparently moving in the wrong direction for me, with that A-Team movie. I would have cast Dave Chappelle as BA Baracus, in the version in my head.
posted by Brak at 12:26 PM on October 26, 2009
They're apparently moving in the wrong direction for me, with that A-Team movie. I would have cast Dave Chappelle as BA Baracus, in the version in my head.
posted by Brak at 12:26 PM on October 26, 2009
Years ago there was going to be a sequel to Beetlejuice called "Beetlejuice Goes Hawaiian". It got canned. The only thing I know about it is that Kevin Smith read it, and commented "Must we go Hawaiian?"
posted by broken wheelchair at 1:20 PM on October 26, 2009
posted by broken wheelchair at 1:20 PM on October 26, 2009
THIS IS JUST TO SAY
Do you guys, want to
Come in and have some coffee
Make yourself at home
And shit.
posted by Halloween Jack at 1:23 PM on October 26, 2009 [3 favorites]
Do you guys, want to
Come in and have some coffee
Make yourself at home
And shit.
posted by Halloween Jack at 1:23 PM on October 26, 2009 [3 favorites]
Hanna-Barbera could do the animation.
So then every member of the A-Team will be played by Fred?
posted by Brak at 1:29 PM on October 26, 2009
So then every member of the A-Team will be played by Fred?
posted by Brak at 1:29 PM on October 26, 2009
> [...] Ridley Scott maybe making Monopoly , I have to assume that they are just completely out of ideas. So I'm waiting for them to start destroying mining other pieces of my childhood; Simon and Simon? MacGyver? I just know it's going to happen.
Well, apparently Universal is going to make Battleship: The Movie, directed by Peter Berg (who agreed to do it in some sort of horrible Faustian bargain in order to get a pet project funded, and apparently also because he's a naval history buff) , so I'd say the childhood-strip-mining has begun in earnest.
posted by Kadin2048 at 1:30 PM on October 26, 2009
Well, apparently Universal is going to make Battleship: The Movie, directed by Peter Berg (who agreed to do it in some sort of horrible Faustian bargain in order to get a pet project funded, and apparently also because he's a naval history buff) , so I'd say the childhood-strip-mining has begun in earnest.
posted by Kadin2048 at 1:30 PM on October 26, 2009
Boy, I can't wait for Sorry! The film that immediately apologizes for its own existence.
posted by Skot at 1:48 PM on October 26, 2009 [8 favorites]
posted by Skot at 1:48 PM on October 26, 2009 [8 favorites]
I only have two things to say about this.
First, if my kid woke me up at 2am shouting "HAHAHAHAHAHAH" I'd probably grab his/her head too, because I would assume they were possessed or had been replaced by a very small axe murderer.
Second, the misspellings and capitalization errors make me think this entire script was written in the time it took to type it, as quickly as possible, on a bet against his inability to write a sequel to BeetleJuice in fifteen minutes or less.
posted by davejay at 1:50 PM on October 26, 2009
First, if my kid woke me up at 2am shouting "HAHAHAHAHAHAH" I'd probably grab his/her head too, because I would assume they were possessed or had been replaced by a very small axe murderer.
Second, the misspellings and capitalization errors make me think this entire script was written in the time it took to type it, as quickly as possible, on a bet against his inability to write a sequel to BeetleJuice in fifteen minutes or less.
posted by davejay at 1:50 PM on October 26, 2009
If I saw one board game get the movie treatment, I'd prefer Candyland getting a darker, more mature reboot.
Or we could have a modern day film-noir based on "Guess Who?" Ideally, we get Samuel L. Jackson.
posted by mccarty.tim at 1:52 PM on October 26, 2009
Or we could have a modern day film-noir based on "Guess Who?" Ideally, we get Samuel L. Jackson.
posted by mccarty.tim at 1:52 PM on October 26, 2009
MATT
Yes Mrs.…
(To himself)
Whore
I will make this movie. It speaks to me.
posted by SixteenTons at 2:29 PM on October 26, 2009 [1 favorite]
Yes Mrs.…
(To himself)
Whore
I will make this movie. It speaks to me.
posted by SixteenTons at 2:29 PM on October 26, 2009 [1 favorite]
a bet against his inability to write a sequel to BeetleJuice in fifteen minutes or less.
I propose this as the new standard bet to make people while drunk.
posted by Joakim Ziegler at 2:44 PM on October 26, 2009 [1 favorite]
I propose this as the new standard bet to make people while drunk.
posted by Joakim Ziegler at 2:44 PM on October 26, 2009 [1 favorite]
My brain will not allow me to read this screenplay. To me it just scans as GRAMMATICAL ERROR over and over again, draining the text of any meaning.
posted by brina at 2:47 PM on October 26, 2009
posted by brina at 2:47 PM on October 26, 2009
It says more than just GRAMMATICAL ERROR.
It says here's someone who could type out a whole script but not have the brains to do it in a standard script format.
And it's not even like you have to pay for it, there's plenty of script formatting tools out there for free.
posted by ciderwoman at 2:57 PM on October 26, 2009
It says here's someone who could type out a whole script but not have the brains to do it in a standard script format.
And it's not even like you have to pay for it, there's plenty of script formatting tools out there for free.
posted by ciderwoman at 2:57 PM on October 26, 2009
I say someone should film this script, scene for scene, line for line.
posted by BJE at 4:23 PM on October 26, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by BJE at 4:23 PM on October 26, 2009 [1 favorite]
Since we're coming up with terrible movie ideas based on games...
Voiceover: A madman is on the loose...
A beautiful young woman, played by Rachel McAdams, is tied to a chair. From the shadows behind her, we see Benicio Del Toro emerge in a multi-colored suit that seems to have been patched together from 4 different pieces of fabric.
Benicio (as "Wild", with a thick Mexican accent): Want to play... a game?!
Voiceover: And a city is in chaos.
We see street lights rapidly changing from green to red and back. Inside an SUV, a mother drives a group of young children to a soccer game. We see a semi truck come barreling towards them as she drives through an intersection. The screen cuts to black just as the two vehicles collide in a crunch of metal and glass. A moment later, we see a fuel truck skidding on its side towards a crowd of screaming bystanders at a sidewalk cafe.
Cut to a darkened office in City Hall.
Don Cheadle (as FBI Agent Samuel "Skip" Deck): He's locked in to every municipal computer system. He can reverse traffic lights, shut of electricity, anything he wants. He's holding all the cards, sir.
Frank Langella (as Commissioner Deal): He's got the whole city in the palm of his hand, and he's going to whittle us down, one by one...
Voiceover: Only one man can stop him.
A phone rings. We see a hand tentatively pick it up. The camera follows as it's lifted to the ear of a disheveled Clive Owen. On the other end we hear a woman's hysterical voice.
Woman: Drew?! Drew?! Oh God, help me!!
Clive Owen (as Drew Mattel): Becky, is that you?!
We cut to Wild as he takes the phone away from the woman (McAdams) and, smiling fiendishly, begins to talk.
Wild: It looks like we're playing by my rules this time, hombre. Pick a card... any card!
Voiceover: But only if he can beat the clock in a deadly game.
We see Drew slowly sifting through a pile of cards, each colored either Red, Blue, Green, or Yellow. He has a shocked and confused look on his face.
Wild: What will it be, mi amigo? Blue?
Cut to Clive Owen trapped under a block of ice that's slowly pressing him to death.
Wild: Yellow?
Cut to Clive Owen in a room filling with poisonous yellow gas, trying to smash open a solid metal door with a chair.
Wild: Green?
Cut to Clive Owen falling from a collapsing catwalk towards a giant bubbling cauldron of green chemicals and filth.
Wild: Red?
Cut to an explosion and fire in a warehouse, Clive Owen trying to shield himself as he looks for a way to reach Becky, who is separated from him by a wall of flames, hanging from a rope by one arm.
Wild: Or will you have to Draw Four?
Cut to Becky screaming, tears running down her face as she is stretched by 4 ropes, each tied to a different limb.
Cut to Wild standing on top of a building, arms raised in the air.
Wild: Time is running out, mi amigo!!
Montage of quick cuts between explosions, crashes, Drew/Clive Owen jumping, running, punching, dodging bullets. Over it we hear Wild screaming in a maniacal voice.
Wild: Cinco!
Wild: Quatro!
Wild: Tres!
Wild: Dos!
Cut to a close up of a gun barrel. We refocus to see that holding that gun is a battered and bruised Drew.
Drew (in a cold, flinty voice): Uno.
Cut to black. The words "Uno Last Man Standing" fade out from the black and we hear
Voiceover: This summer, he's playing his last, deadliest card.
posted by Saxon Kane at 4:52 PM on October 26, 2009 [27 favorites]
Voiceover: A madman is on the loose...
A beautiful young woman, played by Rachel McAdams, is tied to a chair. From the shadows behind her, we see Benicio Del Toro emerge in a multi-colored suit that seems to have been patched together from 4 different pieces of fabric.
Benicio (as "Wild", with a thick Mexican accent): Want to play... a game?!
Voiceover: And a city is in chaos.
We see street lights rapidly changing from green to red and back. Inside an SUV, a mother drives a group of young children to a soccer game. We see a semi truck come barreling towards them as she drives through an intersection. The screen cuts to black just as the two vehicles collide in a crunch of metal and glass. A moment later, we see a fuel truck skidding on its side towards a crowd of screaming bystanders at a sidewalk cafe.
Cut to a darkened office in City Hall.
Don Cheadle (as FBI Agent Samuel "Skip" Deck): He's locked in to every municipal computer system. He can reverse traffic lights, shut of electricity, anything he wants. He's holding all the cards, sir.
Frank Langella (as Commissioner Deal): He's got the whole city in the palm of his hand, and he's going to whittle us down, one by one...
Voiceover: Only one man can stop him.
A phone rings. We see a hand tentatively pick it up. The camera follows as it's lifted to the ear of a disheveled Clive Owen. On the other end we hear a woman's hysterical voice.
Woman: Drew?! Drew?! Oh God, help me!!
Clive Owen (as Drew Mattel): Becky, is that you?!
We cut to Wild as he takes the phone away from the woman (McAdams) and, smiling fiendishly, begins to talk.
Wild: It looks like we're playing by my rules this time, hombre. Pick a card... any card!
Voiceover: But only if he can beat the clock in a deadly game.
We see Drew slowly sifting through a pile of cards, each colored either Red, Blue, Green, or Yellow. He has a shocked and confused look on his face.
Wild: What will it be, mi amigo? Blue?
Cut to Clive Owen trapped under a block of ice that's slowly pressing him to death.
Wild: Yellow?
Cut to Clive Owen in a room filling with poisonous yellow gas, trying to smash open a solid metal door with a chair.
Wild: Green?
Cut to Clive Owen falling from a collapsing catwalk towards a giant bubbling cauldron of green chemicals and filth.
Wild: Red?
Cut to an explosion and fire in a warehouse, Clive Owen trying to shield himself as he looks for a way to reach Becky, who is separated from him by a wall of flames, hanging from a rope by one arm.
Wild: Or will you have to Draw Four?
Cut to Becky screaming, tears running down her face as she is stretched by 4 ropes, each tied to a different limb.
Cut to Wild standing on top of a building, arms raised in the air.
Wild: Time is running out, mi amigo!!
Montage of quick cuts between explosions, crashes, Drew/Clive Owen jumping, running, punching, dodging bullets. Over it we hear Wild screaming in a maniacal voice.
Wild: Cinco!
Wild: Quatro!
Wild: Tres!
Wild: Dos!
Cut to a close up of a gun barrel. We refocus to see that holding that gun is a battered and bruised Drew.
Drew (in a cold, flinty voice): Uno.
Cut to black. The words "Uno Last Man Standing" fade out from the black and we hear
Voiceover: This summer, he's playing his last, deadliest card.
posted by Saxon Kane at 4:52 PM on October 26, 2009 [27 favorites]
Shit. I was just going to post about how awesome a Risk movie would be, but Saxon has already CLEARLY won the thread.
posted by Bageena at 7:02 PM on October 26, 2009
posted by Bageena at 7:02 PM on October 26, 2009
The more I think about my pitch for Uno: Last Man Standing the less satisfied I am with it.
First off, the cast. I initially liked the idea of good actors in a terrible film, but the more I think about it, it needs way more B-Listers and terrible douches. Tatum Channing in the lead, Marlon Waynes as the FBI agent, Megan Fox as Becky the kidnapped girlfriend, and most importantly, George Lopez as the diabolical "Wild." Frank Langella can still be Commissioner Deal.
I think the basic elements can stay the same, but the plot needs to be more complicated. Wild is out for vengeance against the people who put him behind bars years ago, which resulted in the suicide of his wife. Tatum Channing, as Drew Mattel, is the cop who busted him. Randy Quaid is the prosecutor who put him on trial. The chick from Bones is the defense attorney, and he feels that she betrayed him and let him go to jail. And Sir Ben Kingsley (cuz why not?) is the judge who sentenced him to prison. Kingsley is the first killed, when he became trapped in the basement of the courthouse (he was going to get some records) when it fills with mustard gas. The only thing left behind is a yellow card. Then Randy Quaid is horribly scarred after being dumped in vat of green acid. While in a coma, a green card is found.
Drew's racing to figure out who is next, and how they will be killed, when he remembers that Wild was a professor of art history at the University of Southwest America; he had been fired for his controversial theory that yellow, green, blue, and red where the 4 fundamental colors of all painting, and that they held special spiritual significance, corresponding to the 4 season, the 4 points of the compass, and the 4 elements -- it was his firing that led him to kill 3 other faculty, thus leading to his arrest and imprisonment.
Drew then remembers that the chick from Bones is taking her family to the zoo for the traveling exhibit on penguins from the arctic; the exhibition made the news because it required a massive block of ice in order to replicate the climate the penguins were used to. Drew races there, but he isn't in time to save the chick from Bones from being crushed by the block of ice -- Wild had sabotaged the exhibit!
He then discovers that Wild has taken his girlfriend hostage -- he lost the love of his life, so he wants to punish the cop who arrested him with the same loss. He knows that he's going to face red -- fire -- and that Wild had planned this one specially for him, because Drew's older brother had been killed in a fire when he was a kid, so it has special significance for him and junk. He manages to rescue Becky before she is forced to "Draw Four," and finally kills Wild/George Lopez in a climactic battle in the City Museum.
posted by Saxon Kane at 7:14 PM on October 26, 2009 [2 favorites]
First off, the cast. I initially liked the idea of good actors in a terrible film, but the more I think about it, it needs way more B-Listers and terrible douches. Tatum Channing in the lead, Marlon Waynes as the FBI agent, Megan Fox as Becky the kidnapped girlfriend, and most importantly, George Lopez as the diabolical "Wild." Frank Langella can still be Commissioner Deal.
I think the basic elements can stay the same, but the plot needs to be more complicated. Wild is out for vengeance against the people who put him behind bars years ago, which resulted in the suicide of his wife. Tatum Channing, as Drew Mattel, is the cop who busted him. Randy Quaid is the prosecutor who put him on trial. The chick from Bones is the defense attorney, and he feels that she betrayed him and let him go to jail. And Sir Ben Kingsley (cuz why not?) is the judge who sentenced him to prison. Kingsley is the first killed, when he became trapped in the basement of the courthouse (he was going to get some records) when it fills with mustard gas. The only thing left behind is a yellow card. Then Randy Quaid is horribly scarred after being dumped in vat of green acid. While in a coma, a green card is found.
Drew's racing to figure out who is next, and how they will be killed, when he remembers that Wild was a professor of art history at the University of Southwest America; he had been fired for his controversial theory that yellow, green, blue, and red where the 4 fundamental colors of all painting, and that they held special spiritual significance, corresponding to the 4 season, the 4 points of the compass, and the 4 elements -- it was his firing that led him to kill 3 other faculty, thus leading to his arrest and imprisonment.
Drew then remembers that the chick from Bones is taking her family to the zoo for the traveling exhibit on penguins from the arctic; the exhibition made the news because it required a massive block of ice in order to replicate the climate the penguins were used to. Drew races there, but he isn't in time to save the chick from Bones from being crushed by the block of ice -- Wild had sabotaged the exhibit!
He then discovers that Wild has taken his girlfriend hostage -- he lost the love of his life, so he wants to punish the cop who arrested him with the same loss. He knows that he's going to face red -- fire -- and that Wild had planned this one specially for him, because Drew's older brother had been killed in a fire when he was a kid, so it has special significance for him and junk. He manages to rescue Becky before she is forced to "Draw Four," and finally kills Wild/George Lopez in a climactic battle in the City Museum.
posted by Saxon Kane at 7:14 PM on October 26, 2009 [2 favorites]
It's been a long time since my senior-year English class, but I do believe that whole script is written in moronic pentameter.
Whatever else, that's really hard to sustain over that many pages of script.
I say to this
Guy, Kudos...bitch.
posted by gompa at 7:27 PM on October 26, 2009 [2 favorites]
Whatever else, that's really hard to sustain over that many pages of script.
I say to this
Guy, Kudos...bitch.
posted by gompa at 7:27 PM on October 26, 2009 [2 favorites]
The little brothers name is Matt Matthews.
posted by abc123xyzinfinity at 7:44 PM on October 26, 2009
posted by abc123xyzinfinity at 7:44 PM on October 26, 2009
But is it literature?
posted by obiwanwasabi at 8:54 PM on October 26, 2009
posted by obiwanwasabi at 8:54 PM on October 26, 2009
awfuckinhell
posted by obiwanwasabi at 8:55 PM on October 26, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by obiwanwasabi at 8:55 PM on October 26, 2009 [1 favorite]
DILL
Um…hey! This is for you
(He gives her the gift)
I think you might enjoy my love present
I think this guy learned English by reading spam subject lines.
posted by mmoncur at 11:28 PM on October 26, 2009
Um…hey! This is for you
(He gives her the gift)
I think you might enjoy my love present
I think this guy learned English by reading spam subject lines.
posted by mmoncur at 11:28 PM on October 26, 2009
moronic pentameter.
Hah! This, I like.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 12:49 AM on October 27, 2009
Hah! This, I like.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 12:49 AM on October 27, 2009
I once in a similar discussion proposed Hungry Hungry Hippos, in which Zac Efron and Miley Cyrus are a duo being "created" by Danny DeVito, only they're not clicking, so he books them into a big arena in South Africa, only he sends them up the great gray-green greasy Limpopo River in hopes they'll perish and he can recoup his losses through insurance, but they meet up with their new friend M!Bongo, who helps them back down the river but not before they've become enchanted with his tribe's pounding, rhythmic music, which they bring back with them in time to hit the arena stage just as Devito is about to cancel the show and not only are they a huge megahit, THEY'RE IN LOVE.
See, that would work, right?
posted by ancientgower at 6:51 PM on October 27, 2009
See, that would work, right?
posted by ancientgower at 6:51 PM on October 27, 2009
I found another one.
BATMAN: DARK KNIGHT BY:mohamud yusuf
posted by Optimus Chyme at 7:31 AM on October 28, 2009 [1 favorite]
BATMAN: DARK KNIGHT BY:mohamud yusuf
posted by Optimus Chyme at 7:31 AM on October 28, 2009 [1 favorite]
(At the opposite corner of the roof, some fifteen
yards away... at the end of a line, BATMAN is dropping slowly,
implacably, into frame)
eddie: shh....do you hear something
bob: no! it could be a little pigeon or somthin like that (they look back and sees batman standing and eddie takes out a gun)
bob: SHOT HIM EDDIE
eddie: batman you better move back
batman: you don't wanna do that son
bob: SHOT HIM YOU LITTLE BITCH
batman: get me the gun you don't wanna do this(moving closely to them)
(bob snatches the gun off eddie's hand and pulls the trigger and bullets are flying everywhere and BULLSEYE,a few bullets hits batman on the cheast sending him to the ground and bob and eddie goes over to him)
eddie:(turns to bob) do you think he's dead
bob: i hope so...damn that was scary
eddie: yes! you 100% right and let's get hell out of here
(above thier heads comes dick with a new costume that has a big blue falcon mark on cheast and it is blue darkish suit and he fly-kicks eddie sending him to the ground and he is out cold which leaves bob alone and bob picks up the gun from the ground)
bob:(pointing the gun on him) stay back i will shot
nightwing: go ahead and shot me make my day
(bob pulls the trigger but no bullets come out the gun is out of ammo's)
nightwing: see you're in some deep shit(hits him in the face bob is out cold and drops to the ground next to eddie)
batman: what the hell do you think your doing
posted by Optimus Chyme at 7:39 AM on October 28, 2009 [2 favorites]
yards away... at the end of a line, BATMAN is dropping slowly,
implacably, into frame)
eddie: shh....do you hear something
bob: no! it could be a little pigeon or somthin like that (they look back and sees batman standing and eddie takes out a gun)
bob: SHOT HIM EDDIE
eddie: batman you better move back
batman: you don't wanna do that son
bob: SHOT HIM YOU LITTLE BITCH
batman: get me the gun you don't wanna do this(moving closely to them)
(bob snatches the gun off eddie's hand and pulls the trigger and bullets are flying everywhere and BULLSEYE,a few bullets hits batman on the cheast sending him to the ground and bob and eddie goes over to him)
eddie:(turns to bob) do you think he's dead
bob: i hope so...damn that was scary
eddie: yes! you 100% right and let's get hell out of here
(above thier heads comes dick with a new costume that has a big blue falcon mark on cheast and it is blue darkish suit and he fly-kicks eddie sending him to the ground and he is out cold which leaves bob alone and bob picks up the gun from the ground)
bob:(pointing the gun on him) stay back i will shot
nightwing: go ahead and shot me make my day
(bob pulls the trigger but no bullets come out the gun is out of ammo's)
nightwing: see you're in some deep shit(hits him in the face bob is out cold and drops to the ground next to eddie)
batman: what the hell do you think your doing
posted by Optimus Chyme at 7:39 AM on October 28, 2009 [2 favorites]
So, wait, these are from a website that's essentially a collection of FanFic in screenplay format?
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:48 AM on October 28, 2009
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:48 AM on October 28, 2009
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Well, considering they remade "Christmas Story," are making an "Asteroids" movie (based on the video game), and I heard rumor on an "A-Team" remake, I honestly don't see why not on this. At least it beats the other three for originality.
posted by cjorgensen at 6:52 AM on October 26, 2009