It is not the most chilling portrait of a murderer
November 24, 2009 9:37 AM   Subscribe

It may be the worst police sketch ever: "The head is shaped like a rugby ball, the lips slide to one side, the nose is phallic, the ears are missing and the hair is having a very bad day." But it led to two arrests, and one television station, in order to protect the identities of the arrested, seemed to think it was a good idea to superimpose the illustration on top of the faces of the suspects.
posted by Astro Zombie (45 comments total) 9 users marked this as a favorite
 
Kinda looks like my dad.
posted by broken wheelchair at 9:40 AM on November 24, 2009


They lack a certain...depth.
posted by mr_crash_davis mark II: Jazz Odyssey at 9:40 AM on November 24, 2009


this reminds me of a certain "amateur sketch" i've seen before...
where was that...
Oh, yes.
WHO ALL SEEN THE LEPRECHAUN SAY YEAH!
posted by The Esteemed Doctor Bunsen Honeydew at 9:43 AM on November 24, 2009 [13 favorites]


Kind of looks like a character in Home Movies
posted by Think_Long at 9:44 AM on November 24, 2009 [6 favorites]


I love this post, brilliant use of metafilter.
posted by mert at 9:45 AM on November 24, 2009


Word is out that someone has destroyed the Internet. A police sketch has been released. He is considered armed and dangerous.
posted by idiopath at 9:45 AM on November 24, 2009


idiopath, your sketched perp is unarmed.
posted by fantabulous timewaster at 9:49 AM on November 24, 2009 [3 favorites]


"The head is shaped like a rugby ball, the lips slide to one side, the nose is phallic, the ears are missing and the hair is having a very bad day." But it led to two arrests...

Police chief: "Well sure. There aren't that many people walkin' around with nasophallicitis... we narrowed it down to these two pretty quickly."
posted by eleyna at 9:50 AM on November 24, 2009 [2 favorites]


Well, if we actually read the article:

A woman who lived in the area drew police a sketch of a man she said killed Vargas and set fire to the corpse.

So in other words, this is NOT a police sketch, but rather an amateur sketch given to police, who decided to distribute it as they had no other information to rely on.
posted by splice at 9:50 AM on November 24, 2009 [2 favorites]


It is not the most chilling portrait of a murderer.
It is not a telephone jack.
It is not a woman carrying a snowboard.
It is not The Iliad.
It is not the Gospel of St. Luke.
It is not a bad of grass seed.
It is not a pencil sharpener.
It is not a frog.
It is not a pile of broken glass.
It is not a foot race.
It is not the set of keys that open the Conoco wash room on I-95 in Stamford, Connecticut.
It is not a flattened cardboard box.
It is not a gift card.
It is not a burger wrapper.
It is not a pipe.
posted by swift at 9:50 AM on November 24, 2009 [16 favorites]


Combine that with the peruvian fat stealers and you have yourselves a horror franchise.
posted by Artw at 9:50 AM on November 24, 2009 [1 favorite]


Police sketch?

"A woman who lived in the area drew police a sketch of a man she said killed Vargas and set fire to the corpse."
posted by effbot at 9:51 AM on November 24, 2009 [1 favorite]


Yes, thanks for the clarification. It is not a police sketch, but a sketch used by police in their investigation.
posted by Astro Zombie at 9:51 AM on November 24, 2009


Combine that with the peruvian fat stealers and you have yourselves a horror franchise.

*Screams, tries to run away, gets winded, decides to have a smoke and maybe a couple of taquitos while mulling options*
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 9:52 AM on November 24, 2009


that's so great. I can practically feel myself inside that editing suite, bored out of my mind from the tedium of doing that news show day in and day out. I can practically hear the co-worker as he leans over and says "oh shit. you know what would be funny? let's put the police sketch on their faces."

solid gold, gents. solid fucking gold.
posted by shmegegge at 9:55 AM on November 24, 2009 [1 favorite]


"Kind of looks like a character in Home Movies"

Was going to do with Dr. Katz, but on reflection, I think you're closer.
posted by Naberius at 9:56 AM on November 24, 2009


Well, the sketch in this post is competitive for worst suspect sketch ever.
posted by bearwife at 9:56 AM on November 24, 2009 [1 favorite]


To off-set the fact that this portrait isn't a police sketch, here is a list of bad police sketches, plus the suspect without a face.
posted by filthy light thief at 9:57 AM on November 24, 2009


I was hoping it would turn out to be THIS MAN.
posted by anthom at 9:58 AM on November 24, 2009 [2 favorites]


Hey, I've seen that guy! He offered to shovel my driveway for $5.
posted by Balisong at 10:00 AM on November 24, 2009


Waitwaitwait. Is this real?
posted by biochemist at 10:06 AM on November 24, 2009


This is more scary than funny. Makes me glad I don't live in Bolivia. Had that sketch some glasses on and they might have arrested me.
posted by lucia__is__dada at 10:07 AM on November 24, 2009 [2 favorites]


Hey I saw that guy!
posted by dog food sugar at 10:18 AM on November 24, 2009 [1 favorite]


Jajajajajajajaja!
posted by cashman at 10:19 AM on November 24, 2009


WTF, humanity? W.T.F.
posted by DU at 10:25 AM on November 24, 2009


I thought what I'd do was, I'd pretend I was one of those deaf-mutes.
posted by Kikujiro's Summer at 10:35 AM on November 24, 2009 [3 favorites]


here is the original video
posted by atomicmedia at 10:35 AM on November 24, 2009


I guess the third guy is in Moscow
posted by atomicmedia at 10:41 AM on November 24, 2009


Emo Philips, what have you been doing?
posted by dirigibleman at 10:57 AM on November 24, 2009


Kikujiro's Summer : I'm not laughing, man.
posted by mephron at 10:57 AM on November 24, 2009 [3 favorites]


"Well, for instance, as I said, the eyewitnesses all described a man with dark penetrating eyes. Now, I could no more draw dark penetrating eyes than I could the Mona Lisa or a big bushy beard. So, if you look here what I did was I drew giant mirrored sunglasses on. That way, who's to say how his eyes look like under there."
posted by EarBucket at 11:05 AM on November 24, 2009 [1 favorite]


it led to two arrests

The impression I got from the video was that a friend of the suspects had informed on them.
posted by Sidhedevil at 11:10 AM on November 24, 2009


Wow, that news report... cartoon-faced murderers, huh? I guess Who Framed Roger Rabbit was a head of the curve on this one.
posted by the other side at 11:12 AM on November 24, 2009


"His ears looked like a dead Japanese businessman"

Going to have to hope this works as it's blocked from work. God bless Big Train.
posted by longbaugh at 11:14 AM on November 24, 2009


That video looks like something from Parappa the Rapper. In fact, the sketch itself looks like Chop Chop Master Onion.

I gotta believe!
posted by Admiral Haddock at 11:23 AM on November 24, 2009


Let me know when the cops solve a murder case based on the suspect's resemblance to an emoticon.
posted by Hylas at 11:25 AM on November 24, 2009


I don't understand the problem. The suspects in the video look just like the sketch. Good collar!
posted by scalefree at 11:45 AM on November 24, 2009 [2 favorites]


NYPD Twitter Division: I know this is hard for you, maim, but could you please describe, in 140 characters or less, what your husband's murder looked like?

Woman: Well, he had stark, alarming features with a stoic expression. His eyes were large and odd. I believe they were what one calls "Crazy Eyes."

NYPD TD: Does this sketch look right? o_O

Woman: It's like looking at a photograph, well done.
posted by mccarty.tim at 11:45 AM on November 24, 2009 [13 favorites]


It was Biscuitdoughhandsman! I knew it!
posted by adamdschneider at 11:50 AM on November 24, 2009 [1 favorite]


This reminds me of the old, old, old SNL Weekend Update bit where Chevy Chase would read from court transcripts while "artist's renderings" of the proceedings were displayed on the screen, as drawn by a hyperactive 7-year-old.

I'm also firmly of the opinion that this sketch artist, should they ever go semi-pro and commission portraits, would be a great hit over on Regretsy.
posted by Spatch at 12:28 PM on November 24, 2009


Oh sure, you laugh now. But imagine the horror you'd feel if you glanced out your back window and saw someone that looked exactly like that peering back in at you.

You could scream all you wanted, it wouldn't bother him at all... Though you might make him a little more confused than he clearly already is.
posted by quin at 12:29 PM on November 24, 2009


The opposite of a disguise.
posted by ob at 12:50 PM on November 24, 2009 [2 favorites]


I have a strategy for their defense
posted by jcruelty at 1:42 PM on November 24, 2009


Bolivian television news showed the image, accompanied by dramatic music, and asked: have you seen this man?

Seen him? I dream that man every night!
posted by Avelwood at 2:21 PM on November 24, 2009


HE'S GOT THEM CRAZY SWAYZE EYES
posted by turgid dahlia at 3:10 PM on November 24, 2009


« Older The Insiders   |   Circle of death :( Newer »


This thread has been archived and is closed to new comments