Zombie Bite Calculator
January 8, 2010 10:59 PM   Subscribe

How long would it take you to become a zombie after you were bitten? The Zombie Bite Calculator can tell you!
posted by Chocolate Pickle (18 comments total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
posted by ActingTheGoat at 1:58 AM on January 9, 2010

How long until I'm sick and tired of zombies on the internet?

posted by Effigy2000 at 2:38 AM on January 9, 2010 [3 favorites]

I thought zombies were raised from the dead. So wouldn't the answer be "As long as it takes you to die"

Zombies aren't vampires, people.
posted by delmoi at 2:41 AM on January 9, 2010

The Zombite is still not an acceptable unit among international standards bodies. At least, not among those bodies who remain undead.
posted by twoleftfeet at 2:41 AM on January 9, 2010

I took the quiz. It said it would take me 1h 35 minutes to zombify. Okay. There's not explanation of their methodology whatsoever.
posted by delmoi at 2:43 AM on January 9, 2010

Never if the zombies completely devour you.
posted by bwg at 2:49 AM on January 9, 2010

It told me not to worry about it. I guess I'm immune.

Also the zombie thing we do is over isn't it?

Am I the only one who got that memo?


posted by Skygazer at 3:03 AM on January 9, 2010

I sort of remember a similar site for vampire bites. Does anyone have a link?
posted by knz at 3:14 AM on January 9, 2010

[caustic reference to the undying nature of this meme. ironic!]
posted by Think_Long at 5:37 AM on January 9, 2010 [1 favorite]

Is it International Talk Like a Pirate while eating bacon with your caps lock on and discussing Zombies Day?
posted by fixedgear at 5:39 AM on January 9, 2010 [1 favorite]

It took me exactly 2 hours and 15 minutes from the time I walked into the makeup trailer until I walked out (ok, shambled out) as a zombie..
posted by HuronBob at 6:02 AM on January 9, 2010 [1 favorite]

I'm not sure this is very scientific.
posted by spilon at 8:34 AM on January 9, 2010

Also the zombie thing we do is over isn't it?

Yep - with Obama in the white-house we should be shelving all zombie references and dutifully consuming vampire fiction/media.
posted by jkaczor at 9:18 AM on January 9, 2010 [2 favorites]

Forget Zombies and Vampires. The Next Hot Monster is Nessie. And not just any Loch Ness Monster-- a Sexy Loch Ness Monster, played by Megan Fox wearing a neck extension. She has a steamy romance with a Devil-May-Care Scottish Rocket Pilot played by Robert Pattison, who is shunned by the townspeople for his unusual choice in lovers. And when an asteroid is about to strike Earth, Nessie and her rocket pilot lover discover that sometimes, all you need to save the day is a little peace, love and understanding.
posted by Fuzzy Monster at 9:57 AM on January 9, 2010 [1 favorite]

this calculator is bullshit. how heavy you are, and whether you're anemic have nothing to do with how long it would take you to become a zombie. a true zombie calculator uses the following criteria:

1. Are you the main character of a story?
a. yes
b. no

if a:

2. what is the distance to a zombie vaccine or cure?

  the time it takes to become a zombie is directly proportional to the proximity to the cure, such that as proximity to cure approaches zero, so does the number of minutes it takes to become a zombie.
  in practice, this means that if the cure is loaded on a truck heading away from you, and you remain still, you will find yourself becoming more human, whereas the moment the cure is in your hands, you are moments from total zombification until you finally jab yourself with the needle. at this moment, you are one tense moment from being completely cured or vaccinated.

if b:

2. are you an acquaintance of the main character?
a. yes

          2a: are you a family member of the main character?
                    a: yes
                            2aa: you are already a zombie.
                   b: no
                            2ab: are you a romantic interest of the main character, either potentially or
                            in actual fact?
                                     a: yes.
                                     2aba: you will never become a zombie, unless it is shortly before the
                                     main character is cured, though you will spend the majority of your
                                     time in dire peril of becoming one.

b. no
          2b: are you a somewhat eccentric (and/or totally unhinged) survivalist with a significant weapons stockpile?
                   a: yes
                             2ba: you will never become a zombie, though you will die at the hands of
                             the zombie horde either in a redeeming act of self-sacrifice or by failing
                             to cravenly save yourself instead of the main character.

                    b: no
                            2bb: you are already a zombie.
posted by shmegegge at 10:26 AM on January 9, 2010 [4 favorites]

I swear to God that every time I'm linked to The Oatmeal it's a twee, overused, regurgitated internet meme with nothing added to it other than their (equally overused) art style. Maybe this is how some people feel about EverythingIsTerrible? Regardless, a calculator that walks you through a few facts about yourself and gives you not much more than a facebook quiz is hardly the best of the web.
posted by codacorolla at 10:52 AM on January 9, 2010

The only undead thing that refuses to die and keeps shambling towards the camera is this meme.
This quiz adds nothing, and in fact is just like a shovel bashing it on the head screaming "die! die already!".
posted by signal at 1:17 PM on January 9, 2010

Oh swell, a Facebook quiz on Metafilter.
posted by amro at 8:28 PM on January 9, 2010

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