PNSFQ (Possibly Not Safe for the Queasy)
January 28, 2010 8:52 PM   Subscribe

 
A good cup of coffee requires no additional ingredients.
posted by MaryDellamorte at 8:55 PM on January 28, 2010 [21 favorites]


I once tried steaming cream cheese into a mug of espresso during a slow day working in a coffee shop. This does not work well well, and I do not advise trying it.
posted by c0nsumer at 8:57 PM on January 28, 2010 [1 favorite]


Also, my stomach turned at the site of most of those pictures.
posted by MaryDellamorte at 8:57 PM on January 28, 2010 [1 favorite]


I got as far as salmon and decided to close the tab and back slowly away from the internets.

coffee is gross enough on its own, thanks
posted by elizardbits at 9:00 PM on January 28, 2010


I could care less about coffee, but you know what makes a good hot strong cup of tea extra-awesome? Jam. Put a little jam in your mouth and then take a good slug of tea, just like the Russians. Delicious! You could try this with marmalade or Nutella if you wanted, and let me know how it goes. Also vodka should be sipped icy-cold with your meal and not knocked down in shots until you pass out, both of which they do in Russia, but the former is more traditional. That is all I know about Russia.
posted by turgid dahlia at 9:00 PM on January 28, 2010 [10 favorites]


coffee is gross enough on its own, thanks

When people tell me this, I can't help but wonder if they've ever had a good cup of coffee. Not from a drip machine, from freshly ground beans, with the right ratio of beans:water, and brewed for the right amount of time at the right temperature water.

Until then, what you're drinkin' ain't coffee.
posted by Taft at 9:03 PM on January 28, 2010 [7 favorites]


I have woken up to find the last of the milk, cream, or half and half has all been used up more than once. The sad thing is, in my caffeine-deprived state I can think of substitutes, but often only ones that make no sense. Whipped cream from a can wasn't too bad, but christ, was trying to put plain yogurt in my morning cup a terrible idea. It curdled and didn't liquify like I thought it might.
posted by piratebowling at 9:04 PM on January 28, 2010 [3 favorites]


Came in to suggest juustoleipa but the blog beat me to it, so kudos to the blog. Seriously, this cheese is the most kick-ass thing Finland has produced since Simo Häyhä.
posted by escabeche at 9:04 PM on January 28, 2010


Every region is defined by what they do with coffee. Southern Europeans prize it, carefully ritualizing its preparation and consumption. The English seem invariably to drink instant (which, amazingly, even Americans find distasteful) probably because the English have something better as far as hot drinks are concerned.

Whereas we Americans* - we put shit in it. Any kind of shit you can find. Crazy shit, weird shit, chemically shit, sparkly shit, we'll put it in coffee.

_________________________________________________________________________
* Meaning, of course, North Americans, which includes Canadians such as the blogger linked above.
posted by koeselitz at 9:06 PM on January 28, 2010 [4 favorites]


I got as far as salmon and decided to close the tab and back slowly away from the internets.

Ha! They already did that on Nathan Barley. Scrambled eggs and smoked salmon. Totally fucking Mexico. Get with the program, coffee guy!
posted by turgid dahlia at 9:06 PM on January 28, 2010


Sugar is a weird thing to put in coffee.
posted by pompomtom at 9:11 PM on January 28, 2010 [3 favorites]


coffee is gross enough on its own, thanks

When people tell me this, I can't help but wonder if they've ever had a good cup of coffee.


I tend to think the same thing, but then I wonder if coffee haters are in a predicament similar to that of cilantro haters.
posted by treepour at 9:11 PM on January 28, 2010


Just... no. Maybe a quality ground chocolate. Occasionally. But otherwise... no.

I have to go hug my container of Kenyan AA now.

Shhh. Quiet honey. They didn't mean it.
posted by Splunge at 9:12 PM on January 28, 2010 [5 favorites]


I would put actual salmon in coffee, but not salmon cream cheese (blech).
posted by kenko at 9:13 PM on January 28, 2010


Coffee, oh it does taunt me so. I'm a huge tea drinker, and I really like the *smell* of coffee, but the flavor... blek
posted by MrLint at 9:16 PM on January 28, 2010 [5 favorites]


This reminds me of the M&M tea from Cougar Town.

Jesus, I can't believe I watch a show called Cougar Town. But it's not as bad as it seems!
posted by purpleclover at 9:16 PM on January 28, 2010


The only thing that ever makes it into my perfect black coffee is a shot of Starbucks Liquor once in a while. Usually for Monday mornings...
posted by msbutah at 9:16 PM on January 28, 2010 [1 favorite]


I could care less about coffee, but you know what makes a good hot strong cup of tea extra-awesome?


And you lost me.
posted by nola at 9:17 PM on January 28, 2010 [5 favorites]


The only thing I put into a cup of coffee: Tim Tam Slam.

Bam! End of thread!
posted by robotot at 9:18 PM on January 28, 2010 [4 favorites]


Putting weird things in coffee is one man's quest to find new.... COMMIT ABOMINABLE HERESY AGAINST THE GODS OF TASTE AND DECENCY. O YE OF FOOLISH WAYS! MAY YOU BE THROWN INTO THE PIT OF NEVRENDING MAXWELL HOUSE INSTANT AND STIRRED CONTINUOUSLY UNTIL THE END OF TIME - YOUR TONGUE SHALL BE RASPED WITH A THOUSAND SPLENDA GRANULES UNTIL IT IS AN OVERWEENING SWEETEND PULP - YOUR EYEBALLS STEWED WITH MOLTEN NESTLE COFFEE-MATE UNTIL THEY CANNOT SEE THE HORROR THEY HAVE WROUGHT.
posted by lalochezia at 9:19 PM on January 28, 2010 [8 favorites]


From the blog:

I forced myself to swallow, but now I’m regretting it,

How many times have I said that?
posted by Splunge at 9:24 PM on January 28, 2010 [6 favorites]


Pizza Pizza!

Thanks for this. I confess I have myself treaded much of the ground he is covering.
posted by 256 at 9:27 PM on January 28, 2010


And you lost me.

Tea-ist.
posted by turgid dahlia at 9:27 PM on January 28, 2010


When people tell me this, I can't help but wonder if they've ever had a good cup of coffee.

I hated coffee until I had one single, really delicious cup on a rainy day. Literally from that moment on I've loved coffee, even bad coffee.

I think some people just haven't had their coffeepiphany yet.
posted by Solon and Thanks at 9:30 PM on January 28, 2010 [1 favorite]


Ice cream works, but that's probably obvious.
Thanks to this link, I'm going to try peanut butter in my coffee tomorrow morning. Exciting!
posted by Popular Ethics at 9:32 PM on January 28, 2010


Egg? Salmon cream cheese spread?

And people look at me funny for putting a shot of Fernet-Branca in my coffee on Sunday mornings.

At least the Fernet helps do away with an upset stomach.
posted by Pirate-Bartender-Zombie-Monkey at 9:35 PM on January 28, 2010 [2 favorites]


I'm in MaryDellamorte's corner. That many pictures of curdled things = not my kink.
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 9:35 PM on January 28, 2010


Hee hee. Bacon flavoured coffee was worth the price of admission.
posted by Popular Ethics at 9:35 PM on January 28, 2010


My favorite cup of coffee was a cafe cubano at some dive-y columbian cafe in south beach, miami. I drank like 4 of them and then bounced around like a maniac for the next 6 hours.
posted by empath at 9:37 PM on January 28, 2010 [1 favorite]


I tend to think the same thing, but then I wonder if coffee haters are in a predicament similar to that of cilantro haters.

Whoa, don't get me started on coriander. Coriander is the worst thing God ever invented, in his sadistic and seemingly endless catalogue of bizarre tortures. Whenever I hear anybody say "just a bit of coriander" or see a menu item with coriander listed in it, I know that I am not listening to that person ever again on any subject, and I will never be frequenting that particular dining establishment. Coriander makes everything taste like coriander. It's like a flavour virus. Ohgoditssobad. No matter what I'm ordering, from where, I tell them "NO CORIANDER". My sister served me coriander in something once and I kicked her so hard in the womb that the rest of her babies came out dented. Not even Hitler liked coriander and he was fucking insane. Sometimes I think, if I accidentally ingested coriander ever again, I would have some kind of X-Men-meets-Rain Man psychotic break and suddenly find that even though I can no longer talk, I can knock over pot plants with my mind.

Garlic, on the other hand. If you don't like garlic you have the face of a jerk.
posted by turgid dahlia at 9:37 PM on January 28, 2010 [19 favorites]


My girlfriend uses honey or agave nectar in her coffee.
posted by Falconetti at 9:37 PM on January 28, 2010


I like my coffee from a French press, and that's how I make it every morning.
posted by bwg at 9:39 PM on January 28, 2010


egg drop coffee
posted by empath at 9:40 PM on January 28, 2010


(in case it's not clear from the video, the point of egg drop coffee isn't to drink egg with your coffee. It's a way to make coffee without a pot or filter or anything. You mix the grinds in with the raw eggs, drop it all into boiling water. The coffee grinds get stuck with the cooked egg bits, and you pour off more or less clean coffee and leave the grinds and egg behind.
posted by empath at 9:44 PM on January 28, 2010 [4 favorites]


Also, while we're talking about coffee, I found an awesome online catalog for different brewing methods.
posted by Taft at 9:51 PM on January 28, 2010 [1 favorite]


Augh. There is a lot of curdling going on in those photos.

I only like coffee with milk or cream in it, so I sympathize with piratebowling's desperate quests for substitutes. I was especially desperate for something to put in my coffee for the six months I was a vegan, during which time I discovered

coffee + soymilk = fine
+ Rice Dream = watery, not so good
+ potato milk = surprisingly good! No, really!
+ coconut milk = WORK OF THE CURDLE-Y DEVIL
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 9:53 PM on January 28, 2010 [1 favorite]


(in case it's not clear from the video, the point of egg drop coffee isn't to drink egg with your coffee. It's a way to make coffee without a pot or filter or anything. You mix the grinds in with the raw eggs, drop it all into boiling water. The coffee grinds get stuck with the cooked egg bits, and you pour off more or less clean coffee and leave the grinds and egg behind.

This for some reason reminded me of caligula eating babies and shit. You rich people are weird when you get bored.
posted by hal_c_on at 9:54 PM on January 28, 2010 [1 favorite]


No, no, no! Raw eggs go in your malt liquor or simply one by one into your empty glass as part of your training montage. Get out of that coffee egg, you don't belong there. You're not even... ah, fuck it.
posted by johnnybeggs at 9:54 PM on January 28, 2010 [4 favorites]


(in case it's not clear from the video, the point of egg drop coffee isn't to drink egg with your coffee. It's a way to make coffee without a pot or filter or anything. You mix the grinds in with the raw eggs, drop it all into boiling water. The coffee grinds get stuck with the cooked egg bits, and you pour off more or less clean coffee and leave the grinds and egg behind.

This is how my grandfather made coffee. But he only used the white of the egg. He saved the yolk to fry on top of toast. With margarine. I think it was a Depression Era thing. No way he'd waste an egg yolk like that. I guess it's a YMMV kind of thing.
posted by Splunge at 9:56 PM on January 28, 2010


turgid dahlia, I suppose you're not a big fan of Belgian beer, then? half of them are spiced with orange and coriander.

And hating on coriander is like hating on cilantro's babies.
posted by qvantamon at 9:57 PM on January 28, 2010


This is why we roast our own peaberry. So that we don't have to mess around putting random crap in it. This isn't Starbucks, people, this is coffee.
posted by paisley henosis at 9:58 PM on January 28, 2010


One of my housemates had decent luck putting nut milk in his coffee, but then he got tired of us saying "nut milk" in the Beavis and Butthead voices and so he had to take up drinking milk again.
posted by nebulawindphone at 10:00 PM on January 28, 2010 [11 favorites]


The only thing that's acceptable on coffee is milk. And you're not allowed to specify what kind of milk. You're already doing half a heresy by adding something to your coffee, don't push it.
posted by qvantamon at 10:00 PM on January 28, 2010 [1 favorite]


You rich people are weird when you get bored.

It's not a rich thing, it's a poverty thing.
posted by empath at 10:03 PM on January 28, 2010


This guy has a good idea going, but he's gotta keep it pure and stop adding in cream and sugar.

As for the coffee vs. tea debate that has been raging for centuries now, I live by a simple maxim: I like my coffee hot--the perfect beverage on cool/cold days. I like my tea iced--perfect for hot/warm days or for simply hydrating.
posted by zardoz at 10:03 PM on January 28, 2010


Shit, if it's gonna be that kinda party, imma stick my dick in the mashed potatoes coffee!

OW THAT BURNS
posted by Rangeboy at 10:05 PM on January 28, 2010 [2 favorites]


but... but...there are so many delicious things to put in coffee that don't seem so... odd... why, sir, why??
ohhh, Canadian...move along; weloveyouCanada.

...accidentally dropped a coffee crisp mini in a cup of coffee once... now that was a nice light snack drink.
posted by infinite intimation at 10:06 PM on January 28, 2010


Nothing caffeinated is perfect for hydrating.
posted by kenko at 10:07 PM on January 28, 2010


"hydrating" is a wank word anyway.

Can I just ask, naive question, when you americans talk about adding cream to coffee, are you really meaning milk, or are you actually adding cream, the high-butterfat portion of milk? This confuses me, because cream is a pretty foul thing to add to coffee, the only time you'd do that was if you were desperate and out of milk.
posted by wilful at 10:12 PM on January 28, 2010


Some people add real cream, some people add milk, and some people add half-and-half. And some people add soymilk.
posted by johnnybeggs at 10:16 PM on January 28, 2010


Half & Half is usually what we 'Murricans are referring to when we say we put "cream" in our coffee.

That is, unless it's referring to some horrible "non-dairy creamer". That shit may as well be white latex paint with sugar HFCS. BLECH!
posted by Pirate-Bartender-Zombie-Monkey at 10:18 PM on January 28, 2010


nebulawindphone, I like to make my own poncy sort of buckeyes, except with cashew butter (homemade!) in the middle. While delicious, the best part is watching someone take a bite then saying "the secret ingredient is nut butter!"
p.s. i am cornholio.
posted by Cold Lurkey at 10:19 PM on January 28, 2010 [2 favorites]


KIDS ON COFFEE
KIDS ON COFFEE!
posted by porn in the woods at 10:23 PM on January 28, 2010


Salt.

No, seriously. A tiny pinch mellows out the bitterness of a bad cup of coffee. I do this once in a while when, for whatever insane reason, I vary from my usual tea and I get a cup of joe that tastes bad. Like gas station coffee on road trips. However - if you can taste the salt, you've put in too much.
posted by spinifex23 at 10:23 PM on January 28, 2010 [3 favorites]


My girlfriend uses honey or agave nectar in her coffee.

I was at this weird coffee shop in Culver City once and the girl put a little honey in the espresso shot for my ice latte. Freaking delicious.
posted by drjimmy11 at 10:23 PM on January 28, 2010


Shit, if it's gonna be that kinda party, imma stick my dick in the mashed potatoes coffee!

Waiting...Luis Guzman. awesome movie.
posted by hal_c_on at 10:33 PM on January 28, 2010


Seriously, this cheese is the most kick-ass thing Finland has produced since Simo Häyhä.

I knew I was going at it the wrong way putting ground up snipers in my coffee.
posted by BrotherCaine at 10:38 PM on January 28, 2010


I was out of creamer today so I put in the best chocolate milk known to man. It wasn't bad. But then I left it alone for a bit and found a fly in it so I was sad.
posted by Brainy at 10:41 PM on January 28, 2010 [2 favorites]


Cold Lurkey - not to detail, but peanuts aren't a tree nut, and some people who are allergic to tree nuts are NOT allergic to peanuts. NOT telling people? Kinda uncool if they're expecting peanut buttery goodness and get treenutty emergencyroomvisitness instead.
posted by FritoKAL at 10:48 PM on January 28, 2010


Evaporated milk is fantastic in coffee. It's creamier than milk, so you use less. But it's not as fatty as half and half. As a bonus, it has a cooked/caramel flavor that works well with coffee.
posted by factory123 at 11:06 PM on January 28, 2010 [1 favorite]


I got as far as salmon

I got as far as him quoting Steinbeck on with the egg white and shells shiny business and then proceeding to add a whole egg, yolk and all, to his coffee. Anybody that doesn't know that the yolk and the white do different things has no business messing around with food.

It reminds me of when I was little and my brother and I would take turns putting various kitchen ingredients into the blender and daring each other to drink it. I think it was the egg, orange juice and peppermint candy that convinced us that this was a bad idea.

Anyway, this thread had prompted me to go off to bed, because the sooner I go to sleep the sooner I can have a cup of coffee tomorrow.
posted by hydrophonic at 11:14 PM on January 28, 2010 [1 favorite]


turgid dahlia, I suppose you're not a big fan of Belgian beer, then? half of them are spiced with orange and coriander.

I...you...that's...*shakes fist*
posted by turgid dahlia at 11:37 PM on January 28, 2010 [1 favorite]


hal_c_on: “Waiting...Luis Guzman. awesome movie.”

No, my friend. That was a quotation, not the origin of the phrase. Apparently you don't listen to the Beastie Boys [note: that's from 1994] but that's okay - I don't much myself anymore. College was a long time ago. For future reference, the source of the quotation is the obscure comedian Mantan Morland.
posted by koeselitz at 11:46 PM on January 28, 2010 [3 favorites]


Or you're just yankin' my chain, in which case... ah... whatever...
posted by koeselitz at 11:46 PM on January 28, 2010


When my mother had big luncheons, some of the cateresses made coffee in huge white porcelain coffee pots. I was quite young, but I think they boiled the water added the coffee grounds and an egg "to settle the grounds".
The guests commented on how good the coffee was. I was too young to have any.
posted by Cranberry at 12:03 AM on January 29, 2010


I love love love the smell of coffee. Anything coffee flavored (candy, ice cream, etc) is awesome. But actually drinking coffee? Blech. Unless you had a ton of sugar and cream to mask the bitterness.

The bitterness thing also means I can't handle dark chocolate at higher than 75% or so, or grapefruit. And don't get me started on bitter melon. A tiny bit of bitterness can be good, even enhancing other flavors, but it's just too much in coffee.
posted by kmz at 12:03 AM on January 29, 2010 [1 favorite]


There's a fish in the percolator!
posted by mandymanwasregistered at 12:29 AM on January 29, 2010 [9 favorites]


A teaspoon or two of cardamom, in with the grounds, will give your coffee the ability to make everything in the universe align for a few moments.

Promise.
posted by Graygorey at 1:16 AM on January 29, 2010 [9 favorites]


But me, I like my coffee like I like my women: cold and bitter.
posted by Graygorey at 1:18 AM on January 29, 2010 [2 favorites]


STOP! DONT DRINK THAT COFFEE!! You're not going to believe this, but... Somebody put a FISH in the percolator!
posted by kaibutsu at 2:43 AM on January 29, 2010 [1 favorite]


*ahem.* It turns out that the obvious joke-reference was, in fact, obvious.
posted by kaibutsu at 2:44 AM on January 29, 2010


Combination I've found workable: instant coffee, Milo, cinnamon, honey. Mmm.

3-in-1 Malaysian coffee is still one of the best.
posted by divabat at 3:09 AM on January 29, 2010


I like to add black to my coffee.
posted by Slack-a-gogo at 3:19 AM on January 29, 2010


I made our morning coffee one time, back when we were using a percolator. We sat and chatted and enjoyed our brew. Then I went to clean out the pot and found a nice, fat (though limp and dejected by then) cockroach sitting on top of the grounds.

It didn't seem to do much to the taste of the coffee one way or the other.
posted by metagnathous at 3:47 AM on January 29, 2010 [5 favorites]


A teaspoon or two of cardamom, in with the grounds, will give your coffee the ability to make everything in the universe align for a few moments.

Graygorey wins the thread. Also, most of you aren't drinking proper cofee anyway.
posted by Dr Dracator at 4:05 AM on January 29, 2010


A teaspoon of ricotta in my after-dinner espresso is awesome. Quick caffeinated dessert. Mmmm.
posted by romakimmy at 4:42 AM on January 29, 2010


Needs moar asafoetida.
posted by scruss at 4:45 AM on January 29, 2010 [2 favorites]


Coffee has strong defenses against mix-ins. Whipped cream tastes good, so does coffee, and you think they'd be great together, but cafe con pana is just mediocre. Less than the sum of its parts, and this is DAIRY, coffee's best friend.

Imagine what coffee will do to an outright stranger, like peanut butter. Do not fuck with coffee.
posted by mccarty.tim at 5:26 AM on January 29, 2010


Also, please can this thread derail into the awesome Magic Bullet infomercial? Seriously, that series deserves a daytime Emmy, at the very least.
posted by mccarty.tim at 5:28 AM on January 29, 2010 [2 favorites]


"workable: instant coffee"

This is not ever true as it's physically impossible for instant coffee to rise to "workable" quality. It is, by definition, vile.
posted by majick at 5:29 AM on January 29, 2010


turgid dahlia, I suppose you're not a big fan of Belgian beer, then? half of them are spiced with orange and coriander.

I think there's a culture barrier here - anybody outside the US refers to cilantro as coriander, and what we know as coriander are coriander seeds. Very different.

Belgians do not put cilantro in their beer. That would just be silly.

Now that I'm thinking about it, though... a cilantro beer would go great in a flight alongside the chipotle beer I just made. Maybe a cheddar cheese beer next to that one. Mexican dinner in booze form!
posted by backseatpilot at 5:31 AM on January 29, 2010 [2 favorites]


Moar like ass-flogata, amirite?
posted by mccarty.tim at 5:31 AM on January 29, 2010


majick: This AskMefi question refutes your assertion.
posted by divabat at 5:32 AM on January 29, 2010


Maple syrup instead of sugar. The marriage of coffee, maple, and cream is so heavenly you will have an orgasm, so do this discreetly.
posted by fourcheesemac at 5:38 AM on January 29, 2010 [1 favorite]


Also, no coffee snobbery, please! Some people don't like it. Some like a kind of coffee you think is inferior.

It's. Just. Coffee.
posted by fourcheesemac at 5:39 AM on January 29, 2010 [1 favorite]


It's. Just. Coffee.

Sure, the same way it's "just beer" when you're drinking Schlitz to get blasted. But it ain't "just" anything if you're aiming to enjoy it.
posted by uncleozzy at 5:45 AM on January 29, 2010


Ice cream works

I used to clean swimming pools for a living and usually I would never see the home-owners but at one house the Missus of the Manor would be always be fixing coffee in the kitchen when I arrived to take care of the pool and would offer me a cup. Eventually it got to be routine that when I arrived she would come out with a mug of coffee with milk and sugar and chat with me while I vacuumed the pool. One day she came out dropped off my cuppa'joe and went back in the house- the coffee was great, rich, creamy, and sweet although it was a little cooler than usual. All was going well until I was almost done with the cup and found all these gooey-chunky bits hanging out at the bottom. Since this woman was the only person during my work rounds that actually acknowledged my presence I didn't want to offend her by asking "What the hell did you do to my coffee?" but at the same time I was really curious as to what I had just ingested. The mystery was solved when I returned her mug and she volunteered "I was out of milk this morning so I just put a scoop of chocolate-chip-cookie-dough ice cream in your coffee, I hope it was ok."

BTW to all the folks who saw the same movies as I did as a teenager I'm here to tell you that all those stories about the pool boy were a lie and consequently I'm starting to think that the pizza guy, the plumber, and the gardener don't have it so great either...
posted by Bango Skank at 5:45 AM on January 29, 2010 [1 favorite]


One morning I had an orange for breakfast and put the peel in my coffee. Pleasant on occassion. Flavors the coffee but I didn't eat the peel.
posted by eccnineten at 6:00 AM on January 29, 2010 [1 favorite]


It's. Just. Coffee.

JUST COFFEE??? YOU'RE NOT DRINKING ENOUGH! GO GET ANOTHER CUP AND THEN WE CAN DISCUSS THIS IMPORTANT ISSUE SOME MORE!!
posted by Dr Dracator at 6:03 AM on January 29, 2010 [1 favorite]


why does this guy hate coffee some much?
posted by litleozy at 6:12 AM on January 29, 2010


It's. Just. Coffee.

Ever had a conversation with someone who tells that all in all sex just isn't great? That they like but don't what the fuss is all about? And all you can think is "well clearly you've just never had good sex"?

It's.The.Same.Thing.With.Coffee.
posted by litleozy at 6:14 AM on January 29, 2010 [1 favorite]


A teaspoon or two of cardamom, in with the grounds, will give your coffee the ability to make everything in the universe align for a few moments.

You're part way there to a Thai Iced Coffee. Thai Iced Coffees are delicious.
posted by hydrophonic at 6:25 AM on January 29, 2010 [2 favorites]


This is not ever true as it's physically impossible for instant coffee to rise to "workable" quality. It is, by definition, vile.

I once started adding instant coffee to the vile office coffee which, for various reasons, was the only coffee available. it made life both slightly more and slightly less worth living at the same time.
posted by ennui.bz at 6:25 AM on January 29, 2010


Barrett Caulk showed me the beauty of black strap molasses in a french press pot of coffee from the fresh grounds of the beans he roasts. The perfect way to share a Sunday morning and the newspaper.
posted by psylosyren at 6:29 AM on January 29, 2010 [4 favorites]


Graygorey wins the thread. Also, most of you aren't drinking proper coffee anyway.

Turkish coffee is delightful, but I will smack that teeny cup out of your hands if you're implying my delicious French Press coffee isn't "proper."
posted by explosion at 6:40 AM on January 29, 2010


If in Spain, you can order a "carajillo", it is just an expresso in a small glass (carajillo are always served in a small glass instead of the expresso small cup), with a drop of liquor. The original "carajillo" is to be served with rum, as it originated during the Cuba War, were the Spanish soldiers mixed coffe with the local rum, as to gain a little more of "courage" ("coraje" in Spanish, which later derived into "carajillo" from "corajillo", the "illo" bit is a suffix for "little").

BTW, I just had one!
posted by samelborp at 6:57 AM on January 29, 2010 [1 favorite]


Vietnamese iced coffee is truly wonderful, but, like eggnog, you can also pretty much pour it in an ice cream maker and get great ice cream. If you make ice cream, you know it needs fat or sugar to get good texture.
posted by mccarty.tim at 7:05 AM on January 29, 2010


When I'm camping in the back country, I've often wondered about combining oatmeal and coffee. Faster to consume, fewer dishes, and with the right flavour, it might even be tasty. I just haven't got around to trying it.

But thanks to the tubes, I can ask some stranger to perform the tasting for me! I can feel like a king with a food taster! What a GREAT century!
posted by Chuckles McLaughy du Haha, the depressed clown at 7:07 AM on January 29, 2010


Meh, brown sauce in tea is the way to go.
posted by knapah at 7:07 AM on January 29, 2010 [1 favorite]


In an era before microwaves, my mother walked into the kitchen early in the morning to find my father carefully heating some Kool-aid in a saucepan on the stove because he couldn't find the coffee. The idea of adding salmon to coffee reminds me of this story.

I had a boyfriend in college who swore that his Swedish mother put Ritz crackers and egg shells in the coffee grounds for brewing in the "traditional Swedish manner."

I am always pleased that some people are willing to experiment with foodstuffs (like, who first ate calamari? I would love to honor that person cause my Nonnie's Christmas fish salad would not be the same without it. I'm just really glad I didn't have to be the one to figure out how delicious squids are). I don't feel a burning desire to experiment myself but it's nice someone does. Now I know without a doubt, heated Kool-aid is 1) not good; 2) no substitute for coffee; 3) difficult to clean out of Dansk enamel cookware; and 4) fodder for thirty years of ridicule. I also know that Ritz crackers just make the coffee brewing even messier while adding a fine layer of grit to your coffee.
posted by crush-onastick at 7:15 AM on January 29, 2010


I love the smell of coffee brewing, the smell from freshly ground coffee beans, even the smell of a good cuppa joe steaming on the counter. But I cannot drink it. I've tried with milk and sugar, with just milk or just sugar, and with nothing, and I've tried it all from industrial coffee sludge to the (apparantly) finest home brewed coffee available. And I can't drink it. It is more palatable black than with sweetener, and adding milk just makes it gross. I think it must be a cilantro type thing, only in this case the smell is fine, its the taste I can't stand. I wish I could enjoy a good cup of coffee, I really do. But alas. Thank goodnes for a million varieties of tea.

The bit with the egg reminds me of a 'treat' my mom used to give me and my brother when we were small. She'd need an egg white for something, and have a leftover yolk, so she'd add instant coffee grounds and lots of sugar, and stir it up, and we would eat it. Um. Yeah. Anyone else do that?
posted by sandraregina at 7:23 AM on January 29, 2010


I think the egg thing is a "southern" thing, but the way I've always seen it done is just adding pieces of eggshell to the grounds - not any of the egg; just the shells. The composition of the shells (calcium?) is supposed to mellow the coffee some.

Just like they add chicory to the coffee in New Orleans.
posted by Benny Andajetz at 7:37 AM on January 29, 2010


I could care less about coffee, but you know what makes a good hot strong cup of tea extra-awesome? Jam. Put a little jam in your mouth and then take a good slug of tea, just like the Russians. Delicious! You could try this with marmalade or Nutella if you wanted, and let me know how it goes. Also vodka should be sipped icy-cold with your meal and not knocked down in shots until you pass out, both of which they do in Russia, but the former is more traditional. That is all I know about Russia.
This also works with baklava. You get yourself a cup of varnish-stripping strength black tea, no milk or sugar (lemon is ok, I guess) and take a bite of baklava and then wash out the sweetness with the tea. Heaven, I tell you. I love baklava, but it's so sweet I need the blackest of tea to balance it. No, coffee just isn't the same.

I never drank coffee until I spend some time in France and had some of the nice stuff that comes in tiny cups as opposed to the American-style bottomless cup of coffee. I still don't drink it much though, because I try to keep my casual caffeine consumption down. This leads to an amusing dance at the work breakroom where I am constantly making new coffee but never drink it (seriously, it it not breakroom etiquette to start a new pot when you see that there's less than a cup left? At least until lunchtime?) Every now and then I am tempted to put in a pinch of salt or cinnamon or cardamom or any of those other clever tips, but I feel weird doing it for coffee that's not for me.
posted by Karmakaze at 7:38 AM on January 29, 2010 [2 favorites]


I've often wondered about combining oatmeal and coffee.

Oooh, a laxative-diuretic one-two punch! Call it the Flow&Go and you've just trademarked a winner.
posted by kittyprecious at 7:42 AM on January 29, 2010 [1 favorite]


What a senseless waste of perfectly good coffee!
posted by cerebus19 at 7:42 AM on January 29, 2010


I accidentally dropped a piece of chalk into my coffee mid-lecture last week yet proceeded to drink it anyway. I hope it helped illustrate Protagorean aesthetic relativism but what I mostly hope is that it never happens again, both because it was disgusting and because I doubt I could refrain from trying to freak the kids out again.
posted by joe lisboa at 7:44 AM on January 29, 2010


Undrinkable office coffee can be made drinkable by adding a bag of hot chocolate mix. Milk doesn't usually help it. This also works for old coffee that should be thrown out except you need coffee before you can make more.

I can't stand hot coffee (hot anything, including coffee) and horrify everyone by drinking it lukewarm to room temperature.
posted by jeather at 7:51 AM on January 29, 2010


Two things about preparing coffee (there are more, obviously):

1. You must take the time to enjoy an Ethiopian meal, and close it (emphasis on time) with an Ethiopian coffee ceremony.

2. The quintessential Canadian coffee ceremony occurs on the rocky shores of a Canadian Shield lake. During this ceremony you start of fire, or a portable white gas stove, walk down to the water with the blackened pot you cooked rice in the night before, scoop enough water to about two-thirds fill it, boil the water on the stove, add a tablespoon per cup of the coffee you lovingly hand-ground at home before the trip, keep the water/coffee at a rolling boil for about a minute, then remove the pot from the heat and drop a small stone (granite, not a pebble, a small stone) into the pot. Wait for two or three minutes. Pour off coffee into your travel mug of choice. Mmmm! The stone is not for flavour, at least as far as I can tell. It helps to keep the grounds down at the bottom of the pot.
posted by kneecapped at 8:12 AM on January 29, 2010 [2 favorites]


99% of the time = with milk, no sugar.
Possible adulterants:
Add ground spices to the coffee grounds before brewing (choose one):
* Cinnamon
* Cardamom
* Mace
* Nutmeg

Add to coffee after brewing (choose one):
* Liquors or extracts (eg. rum, vanilla, grand marnier, sambuca, almond extract)
* A smidge of molasses
* Spoonful of sweetened coco powder

posted by pointless_incessant_barking at 8:15 AM on January 29, 2010


The following coffee additive is NSFP (not safe for purists):

Carnation Instant Breakfast. Preferably one of the chocolate varieties.

It makes one's morning coffee nicer-tasting and more robust. Particularly recommended for those of you who don't like to eat much, or at all, early in the morning.
posted by AugieAugustus at 8:15 AM on January 29, 2010


One morning I had an orange for breakfast and put the peel in my coffee. Pleasant on occassion. Flavors the coffee but I didn't eat the peel.

This former Eagle Scout who my first wife used to date taught me a similar trick for making eggs on a camping trip. Step one is you cut an orange in half and make orange juice. And then you put the juiced-out orange halves face-up like bowls, crack an egg into each one, wrap them in foil, and set them in hot campfire ashes to bake. The orange peel keeps the egg from sticking to the foil; and because it's moist it stays below 212° so the egg doesn't scorch in the fire either; but as a bonus the whole egg gets sort of infused with this faint orange-oil-and-woodsmoke flavor.

It's weirdly delicious and I never understood why it hadn't made the transition from Boy Scout Campout Stunt to $18 Fancy-Ass Brunch Staple. If I could get a plate of those and a nice tall mimosa and no Boy Scouts to put up with while I ate 'em, I'd be set.
posted by nebulawindphone at 8:47 AM on January 29, 2010 [2 favorites]


One of my favorite things to mix with coffee is shisha.

Well, not really. But making instant coffee and putting it in the bowl of my hookah, adding a little milk, and then packing a bowl of cappuccino-flavored shisha is absolutely fantastic. It tastes great, and there's a caffeine buzz to go with the nicotine from the shisha. Works best with cheap, very molasses-y shisha like Layalina.

Other than that, I drink coffee black. Espresso is for flavorings/mixing things.
posted by notnamed at 8:49 AM on January 29, 2010


Coffee should be black as the gods intended. I also had to close the tab and move away quickly, because my lovely black morning coffee wanted to leave me after seeing that blog. Now that I've recovered, though, I will add that if you get a visit from one of the more entertaining evening gods, it is permissible to add a packet of instant cocoa mix and a shot of Jamesons to reheated coffee from the morning. Yum.
posted by mygothlaundry at 9:26 AM on January 29, 2010


Hard sauce in coffee is nice, but not if you're about to drive.
posted by nickmark at 9:29 AM on January 29, 2010


My dad used to put a pat of butter in his coffee.

He didn't ask for one at the hospital while he was recovering from his triple bypass.
posted by stormpooper at 9:40 AM on January 29, 2010


I was disappointed with the Things' overall level of Weirdness.

And if you're going to write a blog post called "Putting Salmon In Coffee," you should be using actual ground salmon meat, not salmon-flavored cream cheese.
posted by mubba at 10:22 AM on January 29, 2010


What he needs to do is find the right ingredient, then market the heck out of it.
posted by zarq at 10:24 AM on January 29, 2010


It's.The.Same.Thing.With.Coffee.

No it's not, and if you can equate even the most exquisite civet-catshit 1000 dollar a pound coffee with even the most mediocre act of sexual union, you need to get out more.

I've had fantastic and expensive coffee. I've had McDonald's coffee at 4AM in West Texas. I can tell the difference. And sometimes I care, but mostly I just want something hot, brown, and caffeinated because I don't really consider the taste of coffee that big a deal, or worth paying a lot of money for. I like good beer too, but I don't turn my nose up at a Schlitz if that's what there is. I can drink it and enjoy it anyway. My point is not that there is no difference between coffees or their methods of preparation, and not to slam coffee buffs. My point is that a lot of people don't care that much about their coffee, and just as they shouldn't consider you a snob for caring about such a thing, you shouldn't consider them (er, us) to be ignorant of the finer things in life.

For reference, I brew El Pilon espresso roast at home. Comes preground in vacuum bags, usually on sale in NYC for around $2.50-3 for 12 oz., so very cheap, and I actually think it tastes better -- you heard me, better -- than Illy or Lavazza espresso roasts (at 3 and 4 times the price) or waaaaaaaay better than most of the "freshly ground and brewed" coffee I buy at coffee shops on occasion (including Oren's in NYC, which I find hugely overrated).

I also like an ice cold Budweiser just as much as a warm pint of IPA, and more if I'm hot and thirsty and not trying to think about my drink very much.

For reference, I worked in the fine wine business for several years. I have a very refined palate and can easily distinguish different grapes, countries of origin, and even (in some classes of wine) particular vineyards and vintages. Always preferred rustic, relatively inexpensive wines anyway.

It is sometimes worth considering whether we pay too much attention to simple pleasures and thus lose their pleasurable simplicity. Or our faith in our own tastes.
posted by fourcheesemac at 10:27 AM on January 29, 2010 [5 favorites]


I used to order my coffee "strong enough to win an argument, and as black as a politician's heart." Then I discovered I liked it better with cream, and now I no longer have an uber-badass way to order my coffee. Suggestions?

And for those of you who like the smell of coffee but not the taste, allow me to make a suggestion. Hie yourselves to your local high-quality espresso bar (NOT starbucks -- I have nothing against them, but they won't rise to this occasion) and order a ristretto-shot latte made with whole milk. A ristretto shot is a short shot, pulled for 18 seconds or so. (yes, you can debate endlessly about what a ristretto shot "really" is, but almost anywhere you order one, what you'll get is a short shot.) The shorter time means that the resultant shot has a much higher ratio of high volatiles to low, so it's much less bitter and has more of the components in it that you smell. This is the only way I drink lattes any more, personally.
posted by KathrynT at 10:36 AM on January 29, 2010 [1 favorite]


I made our morning coffee one time, back when we were using a percolator. We sat and chatted and enjoyed our brew. Then I went to clean out the pot and found a nice, fat (though limp and dejected by then) cockroach sitting on top of the grounds.

It didn't seem to do much to the taste of the coffee one way or the other.


My friend had the same experience except with a roach egg on top.

In my old apartment I once poured coffee grinds down the drain and we almost immediately got roaches. I then read that coffee grinds are great roach bait for roach traps. Lovely. Have used a Keurig ever since (and love it).
posted by Brainy at 10:36 AM on January 29, 2010


All these comments and no one's mentioned sweetened condensed milk? I always keep a few cans in the pantry in case I run out of milk. It's so ridiculously delicious (and dietetically naughty) that I'm surprised I don't run out of milk more often, "accidentally" of course.
posted by ErikaB at 10:42 AM on January 29, 2010 [2 favorites]


Coke is good in cold / iced coffee, though I understand this may just be weird in America and not Europe.
posted by DigDugDag at 11:01 AM on January 29, 2010


I like my people the way I like my coffee:

in a burlap sack over the back of a donkey!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love that joke!!!! hahahahahahahahahhahahaha!!!!!
posted by supermedusa at 11:06 AM on January 29, 2010 [3 favorites]


Cinnamon in with the grounds while brewing has always been a favorite of mine. Very good stuff, especially if you're crazy about cinnamon.

I need to add, however, that the best thing to take with coffee in my opinion is a cigarette. Caffeine and nicotine are fantastic together, albeit horribly unhealthy.
posted by deacon_blues at 11:08 AM on January 29, 2010 [2 favorites]


ah deacon_blues, so true. I find it much harder to have a nice cup of coffee the afternoon without wanting a cigarette than having a nice bit of whiskey in the pub without wanting a cigarette.
posted by crush-onastick at 11:17 AM on January 29, 2010


Whipped cream from a can wasn't too bad, but christ, was trying to put plain yogurt in my morning cup a terrible idea. It curdled and didn't liquify like I thought it might.

PB: cream (or yogurt, I guess) goes in the cup first and then you slowly add hot coffee to it so the cold thing increases in temperature slowly and gently.

Hell, even regular old milk gets scalded if you pour it into hot coffee.
posted by rokusan at 11:51 AM on January 29, 2010


Oh, deacon_blues, yes.

I used to do a radio show, overnight. I once filled 3 hours solid with only songs about coffee and cigarettes. There are hundreds for a good reason.

If there is a heaven and it doesn't allow smoking with your morning coffee, I'll take hell thanks.
posted by fourcheesemac at 1:31 PM on January 29, 2010



Drambuie
posted by notreally at 1:47 PM on January 29, 2010


Last week when I went to get coffee the guy in front of me was trying to chat up the cute barista. She told him, "You know what's really great with coffee? Coke!" He was more than a bit incredulous, but, well, she's a really cute barista. So he had a coke in his coffee. His friend was laughing at him. So was I.

"So, how does it taste?" I asked.

"Well, like Coke and coffee. I guess I shouldn't be surprised."

Just another one of the many stupid things we guys do for cute girls.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 3:10 PM on January 29, 2010 [1 favorite]


They had this misguided spinnoff they were selling for a while that was basically coffee-flavored Diet Coke. Coke Blāk. It was... vaguely okay, and if they'd made it with real sugar it woulda been pretty seriously mostly okay. But oh lord, it sure wasn't good.
posted by nebulawindphone at 3:15 PM on January 29, 2010


I like my people the way I like my coffee:

in a burlap sack over the back of a donkey!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Ground up and stored in the freezer!!!!!!!!!
posted by Widepath at 3:37 PM on January 29, 2010 [1 favorite]


Chuckles McLaughy du Haha, the depressed clown: "When I'm camping in the back country, I've often wondered about combining oatmeal and coffee. Faster to consume, fewer dishes, and with the right flavour, it might even be tasty. I just haven't got around to trying it.

But thanks to the tubes, I can ask some stranger to perform the tasting for me! I can feel like a king with a food taster! What a GREAT century!
"

Don't. Just don't. I did. Once. I was running late and didn't want to wait to heat up the water for my oatmeal, and I had the hot coffee right there...

Culinary mistake. I used to say that I liked coffee-flavored anything. I don't say that anymore. I didn't eat enough of it to determine the digestive effects, though. I'm glad of that.
posted by John Smallberries at 4:29 PM on January 29, 2010


When people tell me this, I can't help but wonder if they've ever had a good cup of coffee. Not from a drip machine, from freshly ground beans, with the right ratio of beans:water, and brewed for the right amount of time at the right temperature water.

Until then, what you're drinkin' ain't coffee.


That sounds like way more work than I suspect most people who have kept up the coffee tradition would have ever put into making the beverage.
posted by rubah at 4:49 PM on January 29, 2010


@It's a shame they don't have a store where people can ask a trained professional to make good coffee.

Of course, you need to find a good indie shop to find good coffee.
posted by mccarty.tim at 5:20 PM on January 29, 2010


Coke is good in cold / iced coffee, though I understand this may just be weird in America and not Europe.

This sounds somewhat like a Manhattan Special espresso soda. I discovered these when I lived in New York. They’re pretty much the best soft drink ever.
posted by spitefulcrow at 5:50 PM on January 29, 2010 [1 favorite]


I am shocked and amazed that this wasn't secretly written by my boyfriend. That is all.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 6:18 PM on January 29, 2010


rubah: That sounds like way more work than I suspect most people who have kept up the coffee tradition would have ever put into making the beverage.

The Ethiopian coffee ritual starts with roasting the 'green' coffee beans, then grinding them by hand, and finally adding very-hot-but-not-boiling water.

City-ish roast, and recently roasted, whole beans ground seconds before contact with the water, with good clean water as close to 95C as can be managed. It makes more difference than you might believe.
posted by paisley henosis at 7:08 PM on January 29, 2010


You and I can be friends turgid dahlia.
posted by garlic at 8:07 PM on January 29, 2010


I found this rather interesting. Still gonna stick to starbucks though...
posted by biochemist at 8:45 PM on January 29, 2010


Scotch and Drambuie, and ounce of each, topped off with coffee. Delicious.
posted by Jawn at 8:20 AM on January 30, 2010


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