Studies in Crap
February 12, 2010 10:03 AM   Subscribe

"But I am an intelluctual kinda guy. I'm really interested in that kinda thing and I've had a great time while I've been here in town...went on down and saw the turd museum....and they had a lot of interesting shit there....I guess some of that crap crap is worth a lot of money too, ya know." -Steve Martin
posted by drjimmy11 at 10:22 AM on February 12, 2010

KC's finest.
posted by chara at 10:23 AM on February 12, 2010

Metafilter: As if on direct dial.
posted by GuyZero at 10:24 AM on February 12, 2010

Wasn't socio-feminist deconstructions of romance novels, like, a staple of early 90s thesis writers?
posted by clvrmnky at 10:34 AM on February 12, 2010

Top notch snark.
posted by bearwife at 10:40 AM on February 12, 2010

Yeesh, tough crowd here today.

I think there are some nice finds there, and it's funny.
posted by tula at 10:44 AM on February 12, 2010

How did that guy review all those books and slip them back on my bookshelf without me ever seeing him?
posted by Balisong at 10:44 AM on February 12, 2010

They sound fun to read. Certainly no worse than the formulaic swords-and-sorcery rubbish cluttering up my shelves.
posted by alasdair at 10:48 AM on February 12, 2010

I have been reading this site for way too long now. Just wanted to stop in to say thanks, I love this stuff! Back to it...
posted by deacon_blues at 10:56 AM on February 12, 2010

"John Lennon in Heaven" sounds like a freaking classic.

Representative Quotes:

* "'I thought when I died, I would finally get some rest from fans -- but shit no! I didn't become 'free' until I could find me way out of those bloody clouds.'" (page 36)

* "'Take this and bear it honorably,' says the man in white, presenting John with an exquisite, gleaming sword which materializes out of the Light." (page 214)

posted by deacon_blues at 10:58 AM on February 12, 2010

I'm personally of the opinion that, if you happen to find something like a teenager's diary that someone else has had the bad taste to put on sale at a flea market, whether you take a look at the contents or not, it's pretty fucking tacky to make it the grist of several blog posts. I guess I'm old-fashioned that way.
posted by Halloween Jack at 10:58 AM on February 12, 2010 [2 favorites]

Forget the spicy pirates of the Fabio days!

The Fabio days are gone, for good? One creation, then, shall never come to grace the shelves.

Oh, Scratch-and-Sniff Fabio, forever shall you remain a musky, embossed dream.
posted by Anything at 11:13 AM on February 12, 2010 [1 favorite]

Since it's been brought up, here's the locus classicus of romance-novel scholarship, Reading the Romance by Janice Radway.
posted by LMGM at 11:15 AM on February 12, 2010

claims that men are a fine wine but women a whiskey ("The more they age the worse they get")

This is the brand of jackassery that flows from your mouth when your only experience with whiskey is a tragic debacle with an ancient bottle of Old Crow found in your grandfather's attic.
posted by solipsophistocracy at 11:17 AM on February 12, 2010 [1 favorite]

It is true that wine ages in the bottle and whiskey doesn't, but otherwise, wtf?
posted by kenko at 11:26 AM on February 12, 2010

Pathetic Geek Stories should illustrate that diary.
posted by missrachael at 11:35 AM on February 12, 2010

Does this mean we should keep our women in a barrel?
posted by localroger at 11:41 AM on February 12, 2010

I think it's pretty shitty that he is giving enough information to identify the author of the found diary (her name, high school, and class year).
posted by HotToddy at 11:48 AM on February 12, 2010

I, too, am a food drunk.
posted by No-sword at 12:37 PM on February 12, 2010

Your Crap Archivist recently passed several pleasurable hours getting acquainted with the hunks of Harlequin's specialty series on the floor of a used-book store.

That's where I stopped reading. "Hours"?!

Don't be a dick - pony up the $1 cover price and take that shit home to read. It's not like second-hand bookstores are rolling in cash, or in floor space.
posted by ErikaB at 12:44 PM on February 12, 2010 [1 favorite]

Homosexuals are regularly disinterested in gainful employment -- their interest is sex, not work.

Well, isn't this true of everyone? Or do I need to come out of the closet now?
posted by misha at 1:38 PM on February 12, 2010

This is great.
posted by peppito at 2:04 PM on February 12, 2010

The Ruthless Billionaire's Virgin
The Virgin Secretary's Impossible Boss
Blackmailed Into the Greek Tycoon's Bed
The Sheikh's Love Child
Magnate's Mistress ... Accidentally Pregnant!

I LOVE these more strained lips from having to read the back cover in the drugstore. Other titles in the series:
  • The Ruthless Billionaire's Virgin's Grande Mocha Latte
  • The Ruthless Billionaire's Virgin's Virgin Pina Colada
  • Kidnapped from the Suburban Split-Level and Forced to Love a Billionaire Who Looks Like Tom Sellek, Only Younger and Without the Moustache
  • Gently Violated in Sean Hannity's Mansion!
  • Lotto Millionaire's Kept Woman...Forced to Play Bingo!
  • Seduced and Abandoned by the Owner of a Chain of Dunkin' Donuts Franchises
posted by PlusDistance at 2:29 PM on February 12, 2010 [3 favorites]

Regularly UNinterested.
posted by kenko at 2:39 PM on February 12, 2010

This coulda been a good site, if he didn't work himself into such a sweat making sure we know that he knows it's "crap". It's as if had hadn't done this, we would think everything had his personal endorsement. Some of this stuff is cool (like "John Lennon in Heaven"); or sensible (does this guy not eat bran? Does he prefer colon cancer?); or exhilarating because it brilliantly illuminates some compartment of the subconscious, some uncomfortable social truth, or is thrillingly politically incorrect. Don't separate yourself from this "crap" buddy, unless you've never fantasized machine-gunning Nazi goons while rescuing bikini-clad babes held prisoner in an old castle...
posted by Faze at 3:57 PM on February 12, 2010

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