Make your own Pop Tarts!
May 1, 2010 6:21 AM   Subscribe

What are "things you eat when you're really high", Alex?
posted by Cat Pie Hurts at 6:27 AM on May 1, 2010 [12 favorites]

BTW, I'm bluffin' with the McMuffin. It's actually a BK Biscuit Sandwich.
posted by mccarty.tim at 6:28 AM on May 1, 2010 [1 favorite]

By the way, if anyone's sitting on a secret family Toaster Strudel recipe, please share, as I'm not fond of Pop Tarts. I'm guessing docked Puff Pastry instead of the pastry in the smitten kitchen recipe would get me 90% there, though.
posted by mccarty.tim at 6:34 AM on May 1, 2010

I'm not fond of Pop Tarts

Then why did we just have a whole MetaTalk about your obsession with one in particular?
posted by gman at 6:42 AM on May 1, 2010 [19 favorites]

Why try to improve in perfection when 7-11 is open 24/7?
posted by JohnnyGunn at 6:42 AM on May 1, 2010

Michael Pollan: "Eat all the junk food you want as long as you cook it yourself."

Ironically, he says that he thinks it would be impossible to make your own Twinkie. Not so! Make a sponge cupcake, and inject some pastry cream using a medicine dropper. No DIY guide needed.
posted by mccarty.tim at 6:46 AM on May 1, 2010 [1 favorite]

mccarty.tim: "I'm bluffin' with the McMuffin"

I thought you were taking a break on the Gaga fpps :)
posted by idiopath at 6:49 AM on May 1, 2010

I saw that pop=tart recipe on a different website. And blurberry season is right around the corner. So I see myself making blueberry-lemon pop-tarts very soon. Yum!
posted by oddman at 6:49 AM on May 1, 2010

Man why would anyone intentionally make an egg mcmuffin.
posted by empath at 6:52 AM on May 1, 2010 [1 favorite]

Muffin, egg, cheese? If the ingredients are good, what's not to like?
posted by brokkr at 6:57 AM on May 1, 2010

Yeah, I'm with brokkr here. The egg mcmuffin is a failure in implementation, not a failure in concept.

And if you make your own, you can use things like home-grown eggs and cheese a thousand times better than the petroleum-based compound passed off as cheese by the local fast food joint.
posted by kaibutsu at 7:13 AM on May 1, 2010 [1 favorite]

I've actually seen rings to make perfectly round McFriedEggs for your homemade McMuffins at upscale kitchen stores. I think the muffin pan is a smarter idea, especially if you're making them for a really weird brunch.
posted by mccarty.tim at 7:13 AM on May 1, 2010

Not sure where I found this, but here's a recipe for McD's breakfast burritos:

Breakfast Burritos

4 ounces Jimmy Dean breakfast sausage
1 Tablespoon re-hydrated dried chopped onion
1 Tablespoon minced mild green chilies (canned)
1 Tablespoon diced tomatoes (canned, drain liquid)
4 eggs, beaten to oblivion
salt, pepper
4 8-inch flour tortillas
4 slices REAL American cheese

On the side: Pace Picante Sauce

COOKING your Breakfast Burrito:

1. Preheat a skillet over medium heat. Crumble the sausage into the pan, then add the onion. Sauté the sausage and onion for 3 to 4 minutes or until the sausage is browned.

2. Add the mild green chilies and tomatoes. Continue to sauté for 1 minute.

3. Pour the beaten eggs into the pan and scramble the eggs with the sausage and vegetables. Add a dash of salt and pepper.

4. Heat up the tortillas by steaming them in the microwave in moist paper towels or a tortilla steamer for 20 to 30 seconds.

5. Break each slice of cheese in half and position two halves end-to-end in the middle of each tortilla.

6. To make the burrito, spoon 1/4 of the egg filling onto the cheese in a tortilla. Fold one side of the tortilla over the filling, then fold up about two inches of one end. Fold over the other side of the tortilla to complete the burrito (one end should remain open). Serve hot with salsa on the side, if desired. Makes 4 burritos.

7. Drop on the floor, and serve. (more authentic flavor)
posted by Hardcore Poser at 7:16 AM on May 1, 2010 [3 favorites]

I'm holding out for the make your own Pillsbury French Loaf. It's one of my favourite guilty pleasures, and they don't have it here in Europe.
posted by sueinnyc at 7:18 AM on May 1, 2010

Here's a McD's Egg McMuffin secret:

If you're using egg rings (like these I found at Billy Sonoma) put a little water in the skillet and cover. The steam will help cook the tops of the eggs. That's how they cook the McMuffin eggs at McD's...or at least that's how they did it when I worked there in 1983.
posted by sexymofo at 7:22 AM on May 1, 2010

5 minute office egg muffin breakfast: Put coffee on. Crack 1 egg into a lightly oiled coffee mug, add salt and pepper, scramble slightly to avoid explosion, and microwave 1 minute. Place on plate, top with cheese, and set aside. Split and toast an english muffin. Assemble. Pour coffee. Enjoy.
posted by waxboy at 7:29 AM on May 1, 2010 [3 favorites]

Homemade Protein Bar

* Whey Protein Powder
* Natural Peanut Butter
* Oats
* Milk


1. Get Bowl
2. Add 3.5 cups of whole oats
3. Add 5 scoops Whey Protein Powder
4. Add 4 tablespoons of natural peanut butter
5. Add 1 cup milk
6. Mix it all together! It gets a little messy, so don’t be scared to dig in.
7. Important! Spray Pam on a separate plate.
8. Place contents on plate and play with it until it forms a rectangle shape.
9. Cut into 4 equal bars
10. Refrigerate for at least a few hours, and enjoy.

Nutritional Information for one protein bar:
Total Calories: 530
Protein: 45 grams
Carbs: 57 grams
Fat: 14.5 grams
posted by Hardcore Poser at 7:32 AM on May 1, 2010 [3 favorites]

Alton Brown's episode on pocket pies was great. I've been meaning to try some with my wife's homemade keema.
posted by beowulf573 at 7:42 AM on May 1, 2010

Sometimes, I really, really want a poptart. Mostly, the thought of the unnecessary calories and disturbingly long list of preservatives and stabilizers puts me off. Sometimes, I give in, and I enjoy the item while I am eating it, but it just kind of sits in my stomach and taunts me when I finish, and there is usually a strange chemical taste in my throat. This recipe may be the solution to my problems. Well, my poptart problems.
posted by GenjiandProust at 7:42 AM on May 1, 2010 [1 favorite]

Homemade Egg McMuffins are great, but I haven't been able to make a homemade Mickie D's hashbrown.
posted by gumtree at 7:47 AM on May 1, 2010

When you are bored of grease plus salt plus potatoes, you are bored with life.
posted by mccarty.tim at 7:50 AM on May 1, 2010 [7 favorites]

Make your own Pop Tarts!

Or... make your own bigass Pop Tarts! (from Pimp That Snack, formerly known as Pimp My Snack)
posted by hangashore at 7:57 AM on May 1, 2010

cheese a thousand times better than the petroleum-based compound passed off as cheese by the local fast food joint.

I can be as discriminating about my cheese as anybody, but no matter how un-cheese-like / cheese-product-ish American "cheese" may be, using something else when saying that you're specifically trying to make an Egg McMuffin is a big fail. It's certainly not the only possible conception of a breakfast sandwich, but it's a pretty good one, and the American cheese is an essential element.
posted by weston at 8:13 AM on May 1, 2010 [1 favorite]

Isn't mild cheddar essentially a less processed American cheese with similar flavor? Or am I missing something?
posted by mccarty.tim at 8:17 AM on May 1, 2010

Isn't mild cheddar essentially a less processed American cheese with similar flavor? Or am I missing something?
posted by mccarty.tim at 4:17 PM on May 1 [+] [!]


I will make you a ploughman sandwich one day and then you tell me if that yellow muck you call chesse over there tastes like cheddar.
posted by litleozy at 8:45 AM on May 1, 2010 [3 favorites]

Make your own Oreos! (Or peppermint joe-reos.) Make your own Violet Crumble! Make your own Peeps! Make your own Samoas!
posted by mollymayhem at 8:49 AM on May 1, 2010 [2 favorites]

I'm not a big fan of most "other" breakfast burritos, after coming up with this simple snobby "Barefoot Contessa-esque" recipe...proportions vary depending on how many burritos you want, how meaty / cheesy / saucy you want them.
505 Green Chile Sauce...or make your own, but cool it down before assembling burritos!

Good Flour Tortillas / Wraps -- Wrap Size (I use La Favorita) can use corn tortillas for gluten-free, I just make smaller burritos in that case.

New Red Potatoes

Free Range Eggs or Egg Beaters

Half and Half / Heavy Cream or Whole Milk

Shredded Colby Jack / Pepper Jack / Etc


Chorizo -- good stuff, like Boulder Sausage; don't buy the nasty stuff made of lymph nodes and other awful offal. It's more traditional, but horrible to work with and probably quite carcinogenic.
Wash the potatoes, keeping the skin on. You can dice them and par-boil them in lots of boiling water for 10 minutes, or cut them into smaller golf-ball sized pieces, toss in olive oil, pepper, and salt, and roast at 400° F with foil on top for 30 minutes. You can also dice them up and roast them without the foil, paying special attention to them so they brown up but don't burn.

Cut the bacon into small strips, about 1/4" in size. Start rendering it at medium heat. Take it off the heat once the bacon is crispy and reserve the grease. You can use the bacon as a filling or save it for salads or whatnot.

Brown the chorizo, breaking it down to as small of pieces as possible.

Scramble the eggs. I use half and half, cream, or milk to help me make large batches of good fluffy eggs that won't overcook easily.

If you par-boiled or roasted the potatoes, fry them up in bacon grease until they develop a nice golden brown. When I "par-roast" them I let them cool off a bit and then dice 'em up before frying. You can also do home-fry style, slicing them into circles, or even just shred the potatoes with no par-cooking, and fry them up that way.

When frying in bacon grease on medium heat, I set a timer for two minutes, then stir the potatoes, and repeat until they're perfect. Consistent dice size is important to prevent burning. Toss out or save the tiniest pieces as they will just burn and ruin your flava.

If you roasted them in dice form, you're good to go. You shouldn't need to season them much since the chorizo, bacon grease, bacon, and green chile are salty. Save your bacon grease and roast them in that the next time around :)

Steam the tortillas so they won't break when you wrap...I steam 5 at a time. I wet my hands with water and wipe each tortilla down so that it's just moist, then stack 'em up between two big plates and microwave for 40 seconds.

Start assembling. You will learn quickly what proportions to use! I do eggs first on the bottom, then green chile, then cheese, then meat, then fried potatoes. This ensures the potatoes don't get soggy! If you keep track of your ingredients you will quickly know the wholesale cost of your burritos and their caloric content.

Wrap your burritos by folding in the two sides to just overlap with the filling about an inch on each side. Then roll up like a cigar. Practice makes perfect. Use the same technique with aluminum foil if you're making a bunch to save, or sell for profit or charity :) If you want super-tight burritos, use plastic wrap, observing the sushi maki technique.

( filling ) <- fold these sides in before rolling up the burrito. Go to Qdoba or Chipotle and watch how they do it :)
posted by aydeejones at 9:34 AM on May 1, 2010 [1 favorite]

You can get a made from scratch egg and cheese sandwich at just about any bodega in NYC with coffee for about $2.50. They're cheap and delicious. And the breakfast sandwiches this person made also look tasty and nutritious. But that don't make them Egg McMuffins. I concede to all arguments against McDonalds, and only allow myself to eat it once a year or so. But when I do, I want to taste like McDonalds.
posted by billyfleetwood at 9:48 AM on May 1, 2010 [2 favorites]

I hate to break it to you, but your higher quality chorizo sausages are gonna also contain some offal. It's kind of necessary to achieve the right taste and texture. And no, it's not carcinogenic. It's just animal parts, same as you eat every day. Anyway, don't worry about it. Chorizo is delicious, and that's good enough for me.
posted by signalnine at 9:57 AM on May 1, 2010 [1 favorite]

signalnine: I can accept a little offal, but when it's the primary ingredient, it's pretty nasty to me at least, and doesn't crumble well.

All animals accumulate all kinds of toxins in many of their organs and while I enjoy certain organs quite a bit, I avoid eating large amounts of lymph nodes, livers, etc.
posted by aydeejones at 10:36 AM on May 1, 2010

Man in the early 90s I got the softcover book Top Secret Recipes.

It's its own website as well, but I guess a few instructables and blog posts are bringing back the trend. At least these recipes (regardless of the source) tend to improve the quality and reduce the number of ingredients. I remember trying to make snickers at home when I was 14/15 and while they were tasty, they weren't exactly like snickers... so I never made them again. :-o
posted by nutate at 10:59 AM on May 1, 2010

Egg rings? W.o. S.??!! Damn. If you people don't own a biscuit cutter, cut the end off a TUNA can.
(Actually, I own a nice quartet of english muffin/crumpet rings my daughter picked up at the restaurant supply for $2.50 the set, but they aren't anything I would have spent $$ on, she's just fussy about her crumpets.)
posted by cookie-k at 11:12 AM on May 1, 2010

I once tried to make my own Frosted Flakes. Suffice it to say that it's impossible without millions o' dollars of massive machinery.
posted by mattbucher at 11:21 AM on May 1, 2010

My own snickers bar? Blasphemy!
posted by polymodus at 11:37 AM on May 1, 2010

OOOo. That GOAD-word. You can do amazing things with a Pasta Queen, and a toaster oven with a convection feature can be had for less than $100. It's quite a bit to prove a point, if you aren't already so equipped (and you should be), but far short of "millions o'".
posted by cookie-k at 11:41 AM on May 1, 2010

Mod note: A few comments removed. Looks like has some nasty malware problem right now, avoid linking and click with caution.
posted by cortex (staff) at 1:50 PM on May 1, 2010 [1 favorite]

Speaking of making your own Egg McMuffin, can anyone explain the BK adds that have the enormously creepy, eponymous king breaking into McDonald's to steal the recipe and offer it at this own outlet? Is the point that BK offers the same thing for less? Because it looks like they've given up any hope of playing against McD's as equals and are, instead, going the cheapo knockoff route.
posted by the sobsister at 2:19 PM on May 1, 2010

Here's another very regional, and I mean VERY regional favorite:

Safeway jalapeno cheddar bagel (O...M....G)
Whipped cream cheese
Mild green chiles, drained
Rabbit food - optional
Chicken or turkey deli slices

Toast bagel. Assemble. Nom.
posted by aydeejones at 3:02 PM on May 1, 2010

Sobsister: I think the joke is that there's even a recipe to steal. Aside from the perfectly round egg and sausage that are exactly the right size for the english muffin, it's not really a tough thing to understand.

So yeah, a bit of the whole "same thing for less."

Burger King's been wanting to move in on the greasy breakfast market, but the tough thing is that their ads need to establish that they aren't McDonalds, since McD's is the established morning slophouse. Hence the creepy king (THAT'S NOT RONALD), and extremely weird advertising. The fear is that a regular ad ("99 cent breakfast sandwich! At burger king!") wouldn't get the viewer's attention, or worse, make them feel like greasy breakfast in general, leading them to McDonalds.

It's the same reason Apple doesn't pitch the MacBook Pro as a computer, but instead as a Mac.
posted by mccarty.tim at 3:14 PM on May 1, 2010

When you are bored of grease plus salt plus potatoes, you are bored with life.

Usually it just means I've successfully killed my hangover.
posted by mannequito at 3:41 PM on May 1, 2010 [1 favorite]

Can I just say that Instructables is a really horrible format for recipes?
posted by disillusioned at 3:54 AM on May 2, 2010

I will make you a ploughman sandwich one day and then you tell me if that yellow muck you call chesse over there tastes like cheddar.


Firefox doesn't know how to open this address, because the protocol (cookbook) isn't associated with any program.

Well good goddamn, solving this problem now preempts everything else going on in my life, because I have finally seen the end-game of browser protocols.
posted by Mayor West at 5:18 AM on May 3, 2010

I think it's a subtle way of saying "git off your arse and read a cookbook." At least, I think that's the protocol to UKian translation.
posted by mccarty.tim at 8:34 AM on May 3, 2010

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