Shaun C. Hawkins: World's Most Punchable Face?
May 8, 2010 9:06 AM   Subscribe

For years, John Fitzgerald Page was the Worst Person in the World. Today, a new champion has emerged, easily defeating all challengers: Shaun C. Hawkins.
posted by Optimus Chyme (34 comments total)

This post was deleted for the following reason: Eh, "this guy sure is a douchebag" isn't a great reason for a post. -- cortex



 
Really? Even worse than Arthur Kade?
posted by availablelight at 9:13 AM on May 8, 2010 [1 favorite]


Eh, Mr. Hawkins is totally all about green energy and Obama. Page brags about lunch with Dick Cheney. I think JFP is still the champeen.
posted by infinitewindow at 9:13 AM on May 8, 2010


The chapter summary is the best part. Good lord.
posted by threetoed at 9:14 AM on May 8, 2010 [1 favorite]


but does JFP have the tele credit,
Dr. Phil Show - "Male Egos - Out of Control"
posted by JaiMahodara at 9:15 AM on May 8, 2010 [1 favorite]


Nice try, but nothing will ever beat JFP's page of skills.
posted by oinopaponton at 9:17 AM on May 8, 2010


Eh, Mr. Hawkins is totally all about green energy and Obama. I think JFP is still the champeen.

"My tale is about an underdog who miraculously finds passage on a titanic cruise that most men only dream of taking, few could navigate, and fewer could cleverly compose. At the outset, my biggest challenge was to polish my tarnished skills and rediscover my swagger. Underneath the rust, I was blessed with the traits of an alpha male: handsome, athletic, two Ivy-League degrees, and a burgeoning career at Goldman Sachs."
posted by Optimus Chyme at 9:18 AM on May 8, 2010 [2 favorites]


Please tell me that the blond in the pictures with him is NOT his college basketball playing daughter!
posted by TooFewShoes at 9:20 AM on May 8, 2010


See, if this was a post about somebody doing something completely awesome, it would definitely stay and we'd all feel happier about the world and the wonderful people in it. But instead we get, "Hey, look at these assholes!"
posted by iamkimiam at 9:22 AM on May 8, 2010


Reverse Second Law of Thermodynamics, Applied: Fists flow from persons of low physical attractiveness to persons of high physical attractiveness.
posted by l33tpolicywonk at 9:25 AM on May 8, 2010 [1 favorite]


I ask in all sincerity; is it really a good idea for everyone to be posting their allegedly unpleasant experiences with other people for dozens/hundreds/thousands/millions to read? Yesterday it was John Fitzgerald Page being raked over the coals. Today it's Shaun C. Hawkins. Tomorrow it'll be You.
posted by The Card Cheat at 9:28 AM on May 8, 2010


Really? With Kim Jong Il, Joseph Kony, John Yoo, etc... etc... available? Maybe worst needs some qualification.

He is a self-aggrandizing asshole though. I'm embarrassed for him.
posted by BrotherCaine at 9:29 AM on May 8, 2010 [2 favorites]


Honeymoon Junkie: Everything But The Girl: The Lost Chapters

Chapter 19: Big Trouble In Little Chinatown - Shawn C Hawkins meets a beautiful lady while he picks up an order of ginger pork. But that beautiful ladys' boyfriend is Jet LI!!!! Special introduction by JET LI (actually not the real Jet Li)

Chapter 20: Ghost Girlfriend - Shawn C Hawkins's new girlfriend has a terrible secret... she's a ghost!

Chapter 21 Love on the High Seas: While sailing around the Horn of Africa, Shawn C Hawkin's heart is taken captive by a beautiful Somali pirate. But will her love of Kalashnikovs and Zodiacs come in the way of there love!!!
posted by threetoed at 9:30 AM on May 8, 2010 [9 favorites]


Sticking with Hitler here.
posted by Pope Guilty at 9:33 AM on May 8, 2010 [1 favorite]


Given your recent metatalk, is this post a stunt?
posted by mai at 9:34 AM on May 8, 2010


Sorry for the snark. I should have just FIAMO or shut the window and made pancakes or something.
posted by iamkimiam at 9:35 AM on May 8, 2010


Cindy whatshername provides an interesting story. She has never been single and has no idea how to meet new people. Then we see the other people on the show.

Also: The "web design".

Also: this quote"At twenty-nine I had failed at something for the first time and felt utterly undesirable"

So, this man, this "Sean Hawkings" he has wronged you somehow?
posted by fuq at 9:36 AM on May 8, 2010


Tomorrow it'll be You.

Pardon me good Citizen, but I humbly suggest that I a model of Gentlemanly virtue and the good honest graces upon which our great civilization is built.

Except for that time I threw up in your shoes.
posted by The Whelk at 9:38 AM on May 8, 2010 [2 favorites]


Chapter 22 A Brush With Celebrity It's sexy time with a younger woman who has big boobs and nice curves...she also previously had sex with a famous man! That means I'm special if you follow me.

Chapter 23 Not All Is Well In Shaunville A chance encounter with a woman has the potential for intercourse? But it turns out afterward that the woman's sexual history includes no one who is famous. I weep quietly at the tragedy.

Chapter 24 9/11 Revisited I reminisce (sp?) about having intercourse with a woman who is attractive while the towers fall. On the bright side I can put it in a book, this book.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 9:38 AM on May 8, 2010 [8 favorites]


"Tyler Perry scuffling while I am playing Dr. Frank Doyle in 'Diary of a Mad Black Woman'..."

Oh yeah, I remember that scene. You were unforgettable.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 9:40 AM on May 8, 2010


You are ALL wrong, because the best thing ever is on John Fitzgerald's acting page.

Ignore the modeling page, which is David Brent-esque.

Ignore the About Me page, where he describes his education in the most cocksure-yet-insecure way: "I graduated from the University of Pennsylvania (#3 behind Harvard & Stanford with 27 billionaire graduates)"

What you want to note is that on that acting page, under television roles, he has listed himself as playing a part in:

Dr. Phil Show - "Male Egos - Out of Control"

And this is listed as a role. Like, a part that he played that shows what a swell actor he is. You want this guy as an actor because he played a part in a Dr. Phil special about egotistical assholes.

I kind of want to meet this guy.
posted by Rory Marinich at 9:44 AM on May 8, 2010 [3 favorites]


Pardon me good Citizen, but I humbly suggest that I a model of Gentlemanly virtue

But not so much the paragon of flawless typing skills.
posted by fuq at 9:45 AM on May 8, 2010


I spoke too soon actually because this is even better.
posted by Rory Marinich at 9:45 AM on May 8, 2010 [1 favorite]



But not so much the paragon of flawless typing skills.


I dictate all my correspondence to my valet, who lost his hand in a tragic cribbage accident. You would mock the poor man for his tragic fortune? For shame gentle fuq. For shame.
posted by The Whelk at 9:47 AM on May 8, 2010 [8 favorites]


A mirror runs through it
posted by Brian B. at 9:48 AM on May 8, 2010 [1 favorite]


He enjoys watching his daughter play college basketball.

Oh, that poor, poor girl.
posted by Madamina at 9:56 AM on May 8, 2010


"Tomorrow it'll be You."

But I'm a lovable Falstaffian rogue!
posted by klangklangston at 10:00 AM on May 8, 2010 [1 favorite]


At twenty-nine I had failed at something for the first time and felt utterly undesirable.

The fact that you think this makes you utterly undesirable.
posted by Astro Zombie at 10:03 AM on May 8, 2010 [1 favorite]


Chapter 25: Anime Disaster - Finding love at the annual Comic Con is no laughing matter. A relationship turns sour when Shaun C Hawkins finds out that his new love only watches fandubs. Seriosuly, Jennie? How can you possibly expect to enjoy Haruhi if the original Japanese audio track is dubbed over

Chapter 26: The Son Also Rises - Shaun C Hawkins finds out he has a long lost son and they decide to start a band. A rap band. But the band breaks up when 'C Hawk Jr.' sleeps with a beautiful heiress and then the band misses the Monaco show on their European tour. Heh. Like father like son, C Hawk Jr. Like father like son.

Chapter 27: Voodoo Child, Slight Return - While shopping at a flea market, Shaun C Hawkins buys a voodoo statue that he thinks will give him magical love powers. Instead, he is given a curse, a curse that forces him to race across the country in a 79 Datsun 280ZX. Will Shaun C Hawkins reach the Anaheim Convention Center in time? Will he defeat the evil Snake God that threatens to consume the earth? Will Shaun C Hawkins have a lot of sex along the way? Read And Find Out
posted by threetoed at 10:07 AM on May 8, 2010 [5 favorites]


This guy? Not even close.
posted by zinc saucier at 10:24 AM on May 8, 2010


I am sticking with JFP. His IMDB page is fantastic. First of all, you cannot help but notice that he is so modest that over half his roles are listed as (uncredited) -- you know, like Gary Oldman in Hannibal or Edward Norton in Kingdom of Heaven. If you doubt his versatility, check his stand-in work on just one movie:

Warm Springs (2005) (TV) (production assistant) (stand-in: Andy Davoli, Brian Beegle, Brian Durkin, Carrie Adams, Dave Hager, David Paymer, Devon Gearhart, E. Roger Mitchell, Jane Alexander, Jody Thompson, Kenneth Branagh, Matt Malloy, Matt O'Leary, Nelsan Ellis, Tim Blake Nelson)

Standing in for fifteen different performers, some of them decades older or younger and of a different sex? Let's see Andy Millman do that.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 10:25 AM on May 8, 2010


TooFewShoes: Please tell me that the blond in the pictures with him is NOT his college basketball playing daughter!
Jesus, which picture? There were like maybe three where he wasn't with a blonde.

And no pictures where the pose, dress, or posture unsquickily implied "Hey folks, this is my daughter!"... except maybe in that "I'm taking my, uh, two 'nieces' out to dinner at this restaurant in another city..."
posted by hincandenza at 10:28 AM on May 8, 2010


I think this is my favorite of the photos, because of the napkin-around-the-beer thing. Was he thinking, "Someday, when I'm the pitch man for Corona, I don't want there to be photos of me visibly drinking the brew of Sam Adams, their sworn enemy"? Or was he just worried about condensation? Was he like, "The glass is too cold on my fingers -- better get some insulation there"? Was it a little cape for the beer, a wee game of dress-up? Hawkins, what mysterious thoughts are lurking there behind your Doctor-Sivana-like smile?
posted by Greg Nog at 10:44 AM on May 8, 2010 [3 favorites]


Woah, working my way through the tabs on JFP's site - got all excited when I got to Headshots - man, that wasn't what I was hoping for..
posted by jontyjago at 10:56 AM on May 8, 2010


Woah, JFP's merchandise page may be the winner!
posted by the_bone at 11:03 AM on May 8, 2010


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