Let's go walk the High Line and look for people with mullets
July 3, 2010 2:57 PM Subscribe
Ritual of the First Date, Circa 2010.
How about we drink five gin and tonics apiece and see where we go from there? or maybe just go out for tacos.
How about we
"How about we go to a free marriage counseling session with a priest knowing nothing other than each others names?"
This might be interesting, if you went to see this guy
posted by seawallrunner at 3:23 PM on July 3, 2010
This might be interesting, if you went to see this guy
posted by seawallrunner at 3:23 PM on July 3, 2010
As indicated by radiolab, it looks like most of these activities need to be new and exciting. Nothing 2010 about that.
posted by poe at 3:27 PM on July 3, 2010
posted by poe at 3:27 PM on July 3, 2010
Samuel D. Gosling, a psychologist at the University of Texas at Austin, said that the cuisine trends could occur because members of the Web site value doing the latest thing — until it becomes widespread. (After all, they were early adopters of the site itself.)
“It might be that you only want to do it if 1 percent of other people are doing it,” he said. “You don’t want to miss the trend, but you don’t want to be behind the edge. That sort of decision strategy would result in that pattern.”
I am reasonably sure that second paragraph could appear as the anchor of the what's-it-all-about second chapter of every single NYT Styles feature ever written.
posted by gompa at 3:31 PM on July 3, 2010 [12 favorites]
“It might be that you only want to do it if 1 percent of other people are doing it,” he said. “You don’t want to miss the trend, but you don’t want to be behind the edge. That sort of decision strategy would result in that pattern.”
I am reasonably sure that second paragraph could appear as the anchor of the what's-it-all-about second chapter of every single NYT Styles feature ever written.
posted by gompa at 3:31 PM on July 3, 2010 [12 favorites]
How about we go to the free eight-hour seminar on how Scientology can change our lives, and then get a hamburger? In fact, forget the burger, let's just go to the lecture!
posted by Ritchie at 3:48 PM on July 3, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Ritchie at 3:48 PM on July 3, 2010 [1 favorite]
Message to the rest of the country:
Not everybody in the five boroughs is like the trendy douchebags in a NYT 'Styles' atricle.
Thanks.
posted by jonmc at 3:57 PM on July 3, 2010 [7 favorites]
Not everybody in the five boroughs is like the trendy douchebags in a NYT 'Styles' atricle.
Thanks.
posted by jonmc at 3:57 PM on July 3, 2010 [7 favorites]
ONLINE DATING. LISTEN UP.
PUT SOMETHING IN YOUR GODDAMN PROFILE THAT I CAN ASK YOU ABOUT. HAVE AT LEAST ONE PHOTO WHERE YOU'RE NOT MAKING THE GODDAMN DUCK FACE. YOU SHOULD BE DOING SOMETHING IN YOUR PHOTO THAT I CAN ASK YOU ABOUT.
FOR GODS SAKE, DON'T TAKE THE QUESTIONS SERIOUSLY. IF ALL I KNOW ABOUT YOU IS THE BASICS, I HAVE NO OPPORTUNITY TO WRITE YOU A WITTY EMAIL. YOU WILL NOT BE GETTING AN EMAIL FROM ME.
don't care how cute you are.
posted by Afroblanco at 4:10 PM on July 3, 2010 [17 favorites]
PUT SOMETHING IN YOUR GODDAMN PROFILE THAT I CAN ASK YOU ABOUT. HAVE AT LEAST ONE PHOTO WHERE YOU'RE NOT MAKING THE GODDAMN DUCK FACE. YOU SHOULD BE DOING SOMETHING IN YOUR PHOTO THAT I CAN ASK YOU ABOUT.
FOR GODS SAKE, DON'T TAKE THE QUESTIONS SERIOUSLY. IF ALL I KNOW ABOUT YOU IS THE BASICS, I HAVE NO OPPORTUNITY TO WRITE YOU A WITTY EMAIL. YOU WILL NOT BE GETTING AN EMAIL FROM ME.
don't care how cute you are.
posted by Afroblanco at 4:10 PM on July 3, 2010 [17 favorites]
don't care how cute you are.
Don't be silly.
posted by jonmc at 4:11 PM on July 3, 2010 [2 favorites]
Don't be silly.
posted by jonmc at 4:11 PM on July 3, 2010 [2 favorites]
Don't be silly.
I'm being completely, dead-on honest here. I don't care if a girl is a perfect 10. If there's nothing in her profile that differentiates her from the thousands of other girls on the site, I'm not going to email her.
The worst profiles are the ones where they actually take the questions seriously and give honest, straightforward answers. I mean, fer fucks sake. What the fuck do I care that she's a teacher, lives in Brooklyn, likes to go out with her friends, and enjoys watching movies? I can't base a short, witty email on ANY of these things.
"So, you're a teacher? How's that going? Oh, and you like to go out with your friends? So do I! Seen any good movies lately?"
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck that.
posted by Afroblanco at 4:17 PM on July 3, 2010 [7 favorites]
I'm being completely, dead-on honest here. I don't care if a girl is a perfect 10. If there's nothing in her profile that differentiates her from the thousands of other girls on the site, I'm not going to email her.
The worst profiles are the ones where they actually take the questions seriously and give honest, straightforward answers. I mean, fer fucks sake. What the fuck do I care that she's a teacher, lives in Brooklyn, likes to go out with her friends, and enjoys watching movies? I can't base a short, witty email on ANY of these things.
"So, you're a teacher? How's that going? Oh, and you like to go out with your friends? So do I! Seen any good movies lately?"
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck that.
posted by Afroblanco at 4:17 PM on July 3, 2010 [7 favorites]
FOR GODS SAKE, DON'T TAKE THE QUESTIONS SERIOUSLY.
Seriously.
Six things I can't do without: iphone, tivo, my mac, my car...
GAG.
posted by special-k at 4:18 PM on July 3, 2010 [3 favorites]
Seriously.
Six things I can't do without: iphone, tivo, my mac, my car...
GAG.
posted by special-k at 4:18 PM on July 3, 2010 [3 favorites]
Email, shemail.
Dude, I was once a guy your age. You may not start a relationship with the shallow hottie, but, if she's into it, you'll sleep with her.
The worst profiles are the ones where they actually take the questions seriously and give honest, straightforward answers.
Yeah, god forbid people be themselves.
posted by jonmc at 4:20 PM on July 3, 2010 [4 favorites]
Dude, I was once a guy your age. You may not start a relationship with the shallow hottie, but, if she's into it, you'll sleep with her.
The worst profiles are the ones where they actually take the questions seriously and give honest, straightforward answers.
Yeah, god forbid people be themselves.
posted by jonmc at 4:20 PM on July 3, 2010 [4 favorites]
You may not start a relationship with the shallow hottie, but, if she's into it, you'll sleep with her.
I don't think you're getting me here. It's not about shallowness or hotness. For all I know, these girls could be creative fucking geniuses who would rock my world six ways till Sunday.
But you know what? Online dating sites are about meeting people, and if I can't send a girl a decent email -- the kind of email that I, myself would respond to -- I'm not going to fucking bother.
posted by Afroblanco at 4:25 PM on July 3, 2010 [6 favorites]
I don't think you're getting me here. It's not about shallowness or hotness. For all I know, these girls could be creative fucking geniuses who would rock my world six ways till Sunday.
But you know what? Online dating sites are about meeting people, and if I can't send a girl a decent email -- the kind of email that I, myself would respond to -- I'm not going to fucking bother.
posted by Afroblanco at 4:25 PM on July 3, 2010 [6 favorites]
Well, that's...kind of sad. When I was your age and single, if any attratcive woman showed me positive attention, I was all over it...
But maybe we're dealing with a generation gap. They didn't have online dating (to anywhere near the same extent) when I was young. and just by experimentation at various sites, I've learned that if it did, I'd have gotten laid a lot more when I was in my 20's.
Not that this has anything to do ith the taco-eating trendies in the article, but whatever.
posted by jonmc at 4:30 PM on July 3, 2010
But maybe we're dealing with a generation gap. They didn't have online dating (to anywhere near the same extent) when I was young. and just by experimentation at various sites, I've learned that if it did, I'd have gotten laid a lot more when I was in my 20's.
Not that this has anything to do ith the taco-eating trendies in the article, but whatever.
posted by jonmc at 4:30 PM on July 3, 2010
Afroblanco is totally right. Crafting an online dating profile is an art. You do need to leave a couple ins or quirks that people will be able to send you a message about. When I set up my first online dating account, in the "what I'm looking for" section I wrote "Seeking the Charles Nelson Reilly to my Brett Somers." And you know what? Every message I got mentioned Match Game as the guys "in" to talk to me. It was a total trap I set for a specific type of person, and it worked 100% of the time. Saying that you want to do [crazy, adventurous thing/quirky, romanic thing/delicious foody thing] as a first date is the same thing. You're just sending out a message to the people willing to receive it.
That being said, I find the trend waves interesting. Although, I'm guessing a lot of it is due to people on How About We bouncing ideas off each other and copying a bit.
posted by piratebowling at 5:01 PM on July 3, 2010 [2 favorites]
That being said, I find the trend waves interesting. Although, I'm guessing a lot of it is due to people on How About We bouncing ideas off each other and copying a bit.
posted by piratebowling at 5:01 PM on July 3, 2010 [2 favorites]
What websites are talking about the specific food to eat on a first date? What terrifying souls are reading these sites and then implementing them? Are people eating tacos and thinking, "Hey, those people look like they're on a first date! I'd better get a chick to eat tacos with me before it's uncool to eat bug tacos?" How can these trends possibly disseminate?
I have never so thoroughly lacked understanding of something.
posted by cmoj at 5:24 PM on July 3, 2010
I have never so thoroughly lacked understanding of something.
posted by cmoj at 5:24 PM on July 3, 2010
piratebowling's online dating profile was so clever, instead of sending her emails, potential dates sent her... blanks.
posted by Rock Steady at 5:32 PM on July 3, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Rock Steady at 5:32 PM on July 3, 2010 [1 favorite]
I'm with Afroblanco on this one. I, for one, am tired of getting emails from cute and, according to their profile, witty folks that say, "Hey there. *wink*" Really? That's all you've got? I spent my precious time crafting this damned thing for this? I perfectly planned and carefully fulled every facial orifice of mine with q-tips just for some lame wink? Bah.
Remember kids, the operative part of "I want to fuck your brains out" is "brains".
posted by Cat Pie Hurts at 5:43 PM on July 3, 2010 [10 favorites]
Remember kids, the operative part of "I want to fuck your brains out" is "brains".
posted by Cat Pie Hurts at 5:43 PM on July 3, 2010 [10 favorites]
Email, shemail.
Yeah, you should definitely mention that in your profile.
posted by Horace Rumpole at 6:13 PM on July 3, 2010 [7 favorites]
Yeah, you should definitely mention that in your profile.
posted by Horace Rumpole at 6:13 PM on July 3, 2010 [7 favorites]
You do need to leave a couple ins or quirks that people will be able to send you a message about.
Man, this makes me feel like I won the online dating game eight years ago, when my profile on themakeoutclub mentioned that I liked public displays of affection and The Atomic Cafe. My profile picture was Zorak, from space ghost.
But since I met my husband on there, I kinda knew I'd won already.
(Back when online dating was still kind of taboo, we used to tell people a giant praying mantis introduced us.)
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 6:32 PM on July 3, 2010 [1 favorite]
Man, this makes me feel like I won the online dating game eight years ago, when my profile on themakeoutclub mentioned that I liked public displays of affection and The Atomic Cafe. My profile picture was Zorak, from space ghost.
But since I met my husband on there, I kinda knew I'd won already.
(Back when online dating was still kind of taboo, we used to tell people a giant praying mantis introduced us.)
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 6:32 PM on July 3, 2010 [1 favorite]
Remember kids, the operative part of "I want to fuck your brains out" is "brains".
As soon as I figure out how to incorporate footnotes into my profile1 on my dating site of choice, I will be quoting this.
1 Remember, kids, attribution is important!
posted by EvaDestruction at 6:39 PM on July 3, 2010 [1 favorite]
As soon as I figure out how to incorporate footnotes into my profile1 on my dating site of choice, I will be quoting this.
1 Remember, kids, attribution is important!
posted by EvaDestruction at 6:39 PM on July 3, 2010 [1 favorite]
This is important because it's a dating service in New York, right? Because New York is the center of the universe. If going out for oysters is over as a trend on this website, the rest of us should just stop eating oysters. Last week eating oysters was popular with rich rich young New Yorkers. This week only in-bred, drooling out-of-towners do that. Thanks for letting us know.
posted by nangar at 6:51 PM on July 3, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by nangar at 6:51 PM on July 3, 2010 [1 favorite]
My perfect date is a guy who is willing to turn over the compost pile at the community garden I live at. And fix my air conditioner. And man the the fire hoses when watering is required.
posted by swooz at 7:04 PM on July 3, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by swooz at 7:04 PM on July 3, 2010 [2 favorites]
Tacos out of vogue? HERESY.
posted by kittyprecious at 7:14 PM on July 3, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by kittyprecious at 7:14 PM on July 3, 2010 [2 favorites]
My perfect date is a guy who is willing to turn over the compost pile at the community garden I live at. And fix my air conditioner. And man the the fire hoses when watering is required.
You might want to give this guy a call. I hear he's single.
posted by schmod at 7:17 PM on July 3, 2010 [2 favorites]
You might want to give this guy a call. I hear he's single.
posted by schmod at 7:17 PM on July 3, 2010 [2 favorites]
How about a first date where the two slacker lovebirds read the Metafilter and amuse each other silly by posting snarky comments?
posted by Alexandra Kitty at 7:18 PM on July 3, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Alexandra Kitty at 7:18 PM on July 3, 2010 [1 favorite]
My very first first date kinda began and ended in the backseat of a car with Blondie's Greatest Hits playing.
It pretty much set the tone of the rest of my life.
posted by The Whelk at 7:44 PM on July 3, 2010 [2 favorites]
It pretty much set the tone of the rest of my life.
posted by The Whelk at 7:44 PM on July 3, 2010 [2 favorites]
An online dating profile is about the worst possible place to be yourself. Unless you're incredibly sexy all the time.
posted by LogicalDash at 7:45 PM on July 3, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by LogicalDash at 7:45 PM on July 3, 2010 [1 favorite]
Online dating sites are about meeting people, and if I can't send a girl a decent email -- the kind of email that I, myself would respond to -- I'm not going to fucking bother.
That's just the laziness on your part speaking though. If she says she likes movies, ask her what her favorites are. If she mentions reading, ask what she likes to read, etc. Even the smost straightforward answers have something that can be asked from them.
posted by cmgonzalez at 8:11 PM on July 3, 2010 [2 favorites]
That's just the laziness on your part speaking though. If she says she likes movies, ask her what her favorites are. If she mentions reading, ask what she likes to read, etc. Even the smost straightforward answers have something that can be asked from them.
posted by cmgonzalez at 8:11 PM on July 3, 2010 [2 favorites]
Ninja New York, in the meatpacking district?
Who gets the blame for shoddy fact-checking? The daters, or the authors? (It's in TriBeCa, and it got the worst review I've ever seen in the New York Times.)
posted by StickyCarpet at 8:13 PM on July 3, 2010
Who gets the blame for shoddy fact-checking? The daters, or the authors? (It's in TriBeCa, and it got the worst review I've ever seen in the New York Times.)
posted by StickyCarpet at 8:13 PM on July 3, 2010
Afroblanco: "Don't be silly.
"So, you're a teacher? How's that going? Oh, and you like to go out with your friends? So do I! Seen any good movies lately?"
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck that."
Hear! Hear!
posted by LoveAndBottleRockets at 8:28 PM on July 3, 2010
"So, you're a teacher? How's that going? Oh, and you like to go out with your friends? So do I! Seen any good movies lately?"
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck that."
Hear! Hear!
posted by LoveAndBottleRockets at 8:28 PM on July 3, 2010
So, what I'm hearing is that Jon is into shemales.
posted by Astro Zombie at 8:38 PM on July 3, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Astro Zombie at 8:38 PM on July 3, 2010 [1 favorite]
That's just the laziness on your part speaking though. [...] Even the most straightforward answers have something that can be asked from them.
Sure, I could write a girl a completely lame-ass email, asking her a bunch of boring-ass questions point-blank.
But it isn't going to get a response. Why? Because it doesn't deserve one.
posted by Afroblanco at 9:36 PM on July 3, 2010
Sure, I could write a girl a completely lame-ass email, asking her a bunch of boring-ass questions point-blank.
But it isn't going to get a response. Why? Because it doesn't deserve one.
posted by Afroblanco at 9:36 PM on July 3, 2010
For me, half the battle is the username. If I see a username like ZombieUnicorns, I know that guy's fucking SERIOUS about online dating.
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 9:41 PM on July 3, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 9:41 PM on July 3, 2010 [1 favorite]
This new website is the perfect platform for me to launch my latest creation: the Gin & Taco!
Alternate name: The Barfarrhea.
posted by Sys Rq at 10:09 PM on July 3, 2010
Alternate name: The Barfarrhea.
posted by Sys Rq at 10:09 PM on July 3, 2010
Afroblanco, there's something I don't quite understand. Why do you want to make the process any harder than it already is?
posted by Crabby Appleton at 10:13 PM on July 3, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Crabby Appleton at 10:13 PM on July 3, 2010 [1 favorite]
When I was your age and single, if any attratcive woman showed me positive attention, I was all over it...
That's kind of sad.
posted by Evilspork at 10:17 PM on July 3, 2010 [1 favorite]
That's kind of sad.
posted by Evilspork at 10:17 PM on July 3, 2010 [1 favorite]
Trendoids date trendoids. It is as it has always been - there are those who are conceited enough to believe that this is a new and modern thing, but the buyers for the top date restaurants know better. As it was in 1810, so it is in 2010, only the volume is a bit larger.
I took my wife out for our first date to have beer and nachos, and she hated both beer and nachos, but loved he thanksgiving-turkey-club-salad the place offered, and was all about the Appleton-and-Diet at the restaurant and Poetry Slam venue.
She was more impressed that I was funny, sincere, and open to new experiences. Go someplace where you can show you're genuine and daring, and even if they don't sell tacos, you'll make a good impression.
posted by Slap*Happy at 10:18 PM on July 3, 2010 [1 favorite]
I took my wife out for our first date to have beer and nachos, and she hated both beer and nachos, but loved he thanksgiving-turkey-club-salad the place offered, and was all about the Appleton-and-Diet at the restaurant and Poetry Slam venue.
She was more impressed that I was funny, sincere, and open to new experiences. Go someplace where you can show you're genuine and daring, and even if they don't sell tacos, you'll make a good impression.
posted by Slap*Happy at 10:18 PM on July 3, 2010 [1 favorite]
Ehh, trends. The latest kind of date... whatever. A date is just an occasion for you and the other person to get to know each other. As long as it isn't something stupid like a movie or stilted formal dinner, if you like each other you'll know soon.
But yeah, online it's important to put interesting and somewhat revealing things in your profile, otherwise your potential mates won't have any reason to talk or not to you.
posted by BlackLeotardFront at 10:30 PM on July 3, 2010 [1 favorite]
But yeah, online it's important to put interesting and somewhat revealing things in your profile, otherwise your potential mates won't have any reason to talk or not to you.
posted by BlackLeotardFront at 10:30 PM on July 3, 2010 [1 favorite]
Sure, I could write a girl a completely lame-ass email, asking her a bunch of boring-ass questions point-blank.
But it isn't going to get a response. Why? Because it doesn't deserve one.
No one said play interrogator, but introduce yourself, mention something about YOU and then ask about one or two of her interests as stated.
As someone who is very straightforward and appreciates the same (no games, no bullshit), of course an honest, down-to-earth, no bullshit email deserves a response. I've honestly never thought to lie or twist my responses on online dating sites or wherever in order to appear more quirky or manipulate responses. But like I said, I don't play games. The other way does seem to overcomplicate matters as Crabby Appleton noted.
posted by cmgonzalez at 11:37 PM on July 3, 2010 [1 favorite]
But it isn't going to get a response. Why? Because it doesn't deserve one.
No one said play interrogator, but introduce yourself, mention something about YOU and then ask about one or two of her interests as stated.
As someone who is very straightforward and appreciates the same (no games, no bullshit), of course an honest, down-to-earth, no bullshit email deserves a response. I've honestly never thought to lie or twist my responses on online dating sites or wherever in order to appear more quirky or manipulate responses. But like I said, I don't play games. The other way does seem to overcomplicate matters as Crabby Appleton noted.
posted by cmgonzalez at 11:37 PM on July 3, 2010 [1 favorite]
I've honestly never thought to lie or twist my responses on online dating sites or wherever in order to appear more quirky or manipulate responses.
This is really what you think I was talking about? Really?
posted by Afroblanco at 11:46 PM on July 3, 2010
This is really what you think I was talking about? Really?
posted by Afroblanco at 11:46 PM on July 3, 2010
This is really what you think I was talking about? Really?
That part of my post was in reference to what people like piratebowling had written. But it still stands that you're pretty much just saying you're passing over potentially great, compatible women because you don't want to bother contacting them because they decided to say they loved movies, for example.
posted by cmgonzalez at 12:19 AM on July 4, 2010
That part of my post was in reference to what people like piratebowling had written. But it still stands that you're pretty much just saying you're passing over potentially great, compatible women because you don't want to bother contacting them because they decided to say they loved movies, for example.
posted by cmgonzalez at 12:19 AM on July 4, 2010
I'm not going to email her.
I'm sure the women of the world are hurling themselves from cliffs even as they reed this.
posted by rodgerd at 1:13 AM on July 4, 2010 [3 favorites]
I'm sure the women of the world are hurling themselves from cliffs even as they reed this.
posted by rodgerd at 1:13 AM on July 4, 2010 [3 favorites]
Yeah, I dunno. All I can say is that when I see a profile and it just has the basic generic facts of someone's life, I think two things -- (A) this person is really boring or (B) wow, they're really making this hard for me!
I just can't see myself sending an email where I blandly introduce myself and then fire away with some generic questions. It feels too much like coldcalling to me, and it's just ... blech.
I mean, when it comes down to it, you don't know anything about the people on an online dating site. Really, the purpose of the site is to give you the opportunity to start a conversation with someone who you may be attracted to. Some sites have matching algorithms that promise to find you "love," but in reality just act as a filter for people who don't share your social values.
But anyway, the basic generic facts of someone's life (I like movies! I have an iPhone! I'm a Lawyer! I like going dancing with my friends!) don't give you much of a foothold for starting a conversation -- which, once again, is really the whole point of the site. Yeah, I mean, I guess you COULD start a conversation with those basic facts -- but to my mind, it would be an awkward, stilted conversation.
All of that aside, I think what it comes down to is that there's no "right" or "wrong" way to do it. And in fact, one's approach to the situation probably does a lot to shape what kind of responses they get. So if we were all on some hypothetical online dating site, chances are that you and I would never wind up emailing each other at all, and if we did, we probably wouldn't get along. It is possible that I'd email piratebowling (since it sounds like we may have similar approaches to these sites), although that doesn't say anything about whether or not we'd get along in real life. For all I know, maybe you and I would get along better. And therein lies the true frustration of online dating -- but that's a different conversation entirely.
posted by Afroblanco at 1:17 AM on July 4, 2010 [2 favorites]
I just can't see myself sending an email where I blandly introduce myself and then fire away with some generic questions. It feels too much like coldcalling to me, and it's just ... blech.
I mean, when it comes down to it, you don't know anything about the people on an online dating site. Really, the purpose of the site is to give you the opportunity to start a conversation with someone who you may be attracted to. Some sites have matching algorithms that promise to find you "love," but in reality just act as a filter for people who don't share your social values.
But anyway, the basic generic facts of someone's life (I like movies! I have an iPhone! I'm a Lawyer! I like going dancing with my friends!) don't give you much of a foothold for starting a conversation -- which, once again, is really the whole point of the site. Yeah, I mean, I guess you COULD start a conversation with those basic facts -- but to my mind, it would be an awkward, stilted conversation.
All of that aside, I think what it comes down to is that there's no "right" or "wrong" way to do it. And in fact, one's approach to the situation probably does a lot to shape what kind of responses they get. So if we were all on some hypothetical online dating site, chances are that you and I would never wind up emailing each other at all, and if we did, we probably wouldn't get along. It is possible that I'd email piratebowling (since it sounds like we may have similar approaches to these sites), although that doesn't say anything about whether or not we'd get along in real life. For all I know, maybe you and I would get along better. And therein lies the true frustration of online dating -- but that's a different conversation entirely.
posted by Afroblanco at 1:17 AM on July 4, 2010 [2 favorites]
Everyone who signs up for an online dating account should be required to make both a male and female accounts. EVERYONE. Seriously. Unless you understand how easy or hard it is on either side of that equation, than people shouldn't say things like "go ahead and ask them what movies they like". How about you try that tactic out on both men and women and see how that works out for ya'.
And, yes, I get that would create a huge upsurge in throwaway accounts but it would be a highly informative process that would steer your understanding into knowledgeable ports and would disavow you of these innocent misunderstandings of what people are generally responsive to.
posted by P.o.B. at 1:40 AM on July 4, 2010 [1 favorite]
And, yes, I get that would create a huge upsurge in throwaway accounts but it would be a highly informative process that would steer your understanding into knowledgeable ports and would disavow you of these innocent misunderstandings of what people are generally responsive to.
posted by P.o.B. at 1:40 AM on July 4, 2010 [1 favorite]
"Online dating sites are about meeting people, and if I can't send a girl a decent email -- the kind of email that I, myself would respond to -- I'm not going to fucking bother."
That's just the laziness on your part speaking though. If she says she likes movies, ask her what her favorites are. If she mentions reading, ask what she likes to read, etc. Even the most straightforward answers have something that can be asked from them.
It is suggested in OKCupid's blog that there is a negative correlation between the number of messages a man sends per day to the reply rate he gets. They suggest this is because to send more messages you have to spend less time per message, leading to prosaic messages that the recipients don't care to respond to.
If a guy can only has time to write one really good introductory message a day, it's not laziness that stops him sending out dozens of messages a day - it's courtesy, not clogging others' mailboxes with mediocre, quickly written messages.
So what makes a really good message? Well, again according to OKCupid, you want to discuss specific interests; and when it comes to profile pictures "doing something interesting" is one of the best things you can be pictured doing when it comes to getting into conversations.
If someone doesn't have an interesting profile, it's mighty hard to send them an interesting message. And if, as a courteous guy, you only send out interesting messages, I can see how you might struggle to send a message at all.
As someone who is very straightforward and appreciates the same (no games, no bullshit), of course an honest, down-to-earth, no bullshit email deserves a response. I've honestly never thought to lie or twist my responses on online dating sites or wherever in order to appear more quirky or manipulate responses.
I don't think people are saying you should lie, twist your responses, or be manipulative - just that if you say "I like reading" on your profile you'll get a bunch of messages saying "what types of books do you like" so you might as well skip that stage and say what types of books you like right on your profile.
That way you don't get a deluge of identical e-mails, and Afroblanco doesn't have to send out a bunch of prosaic e-mails (most of which would get no response anyway).
posted by Mike1024 at 2:59 AM on July 4, 2010 [1 favorite]
That's just the laziness on your part speaking though. If she says she likes movies, ask her what her favorites are. If she mentions reading, ask what she likes to read, etc. Even the most straightforward answers have something that can be asked from them.
It is suggested in OKCupid's blog that there is a negative correlation between the number of messages a man sends per day to the reply rate he gets. They suggest this is because to send more messages you have to spend less time per message, leading to prosaic messages that the recipients don't care to respond to.
If a guy can only has time to write one really good introductory message a day, it's not laziness that stops him sending out dozens of messages a day - it's courtesy, not clogging others' mailboxes with mediocre, quickly written messages.
So what makes a really good message? Well, again according to OKCupid, you want to discuss specific interests; and when it comes to profile pictures "doing something interesting" is one of the best things you can be pictured doing when it comes to getting into conversations.
If someone doesn't have an interesting profile, it's mighty hard to send them an interesting message. And if, as a courteous guy, you only send out interesting messages, I can see how you might struggle to send a message at all.
As someone who is very straightforward and appreciates the same (no games, no bullshit), of course an honest, down-to-earth, no bullshit email deserves a response. I've honestly never thought to lie or twist my responses on online dating sites or wherever in order to appear more quirky or manipulate responses.
I don't think people are saying you should lie, twist your responses, or be manipulative - just that if you say "I like reading" on your profile you'll get a bunch of messages saying "what types of books do you like" so you might as well skip that stage and say what types of books you like right on your profile.
That way you don't get a deluge of identical e-mails, and Afroblanco doesn't have to send out a bunch of prosaic e-mails (most of which would get no response anyway).
posted by Mike1024 at 2:59 AM on July 4, 2010 [1 favorite]
I have a corrolary to Afroblanco's demand, actually --
ONLINE DATING. LISTEN UP. PUT SOMETHING IN YOUR GODDAMN PROFILE THAT I CAN ASK YOU ABOUT.
To which I'd like to add:
IF I WRITE YOU AN EMAIL ASKING YOU A QUESTION, DON'T JUST ANSWER IT AND END THE EMAIL RIGHT THERE. CONTINUE THE GOD-DAMNED CONVERSATION.
Seriously. If I email you and say, "hey, cute dog, what breed is it?" Simply saying "A German Shetland. Thanks for asking," does nothing to continue the conversation.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 3:47 AM on July 4, 2010 [6 favorites]
ONLINE DATING. LISTEN UP. PUT SOMETHING IN YOUR GODDAMN PROFILE THAT I CAN ASK YOU ABOUT.
To which I'd like to add:
IF I WRITE YOU AN EMAIL ASKING YOU A QUESTION, DON'T JUST ANSWER IT AND END THE EMAIL RIGHT THERE. CONTINUE THE GOD-DAMNED CONVERSATION.
Seriously. If I email you and say, "hey, cute dog, what breed is it?" Simply saying "A German Shetland. Thanks for asking," does nothing to continue the conversation.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 3:47 AM on July 4, 2010 [6 favorites]
I don't see why people are being snide to Afroblanco . He's bang on the money.
Here's one I saw yesterday:
"I'm not going to tell everything about myself here or we'll have nothing to talk about. Don't be lazy, just ask!"
Responding to that feels like writing to a random company in the phone book to ask if they could please spare me a thought when they're next hiring. I a desperate bid for survival I would do that. I'd rather masturbate and take the dog for a walk than cold call women in the same way.
posted by vbfg at 5:24 AM on July 4, 2010 [8 favorites]
Here's one I saw yesterday:
"I'm not going to tell everything about myself here or we'll have nothing to talk about. Don't be lazy, just ask!"
Responding to that feels like writing to a random company in the phone book to ask if they could please spare me a thought when they're next hiring. I a desperate bid for survival I would do that. I'd rather masturbate and take the dog for a walk than cold call women in the same way.
posted by vbfg at 5:24 AM on July 4, 2010 [8 favorites]
Unlike Jon and friends, not all of us base dating on a numerical rating of attractiveness.
I find almost everybody attractive. We're all fucking gorgeous. All of us. I can't think of the last time I met a person who wasn't beautiful in some way or another. And I mean physically skin-deep beautiful. I find little quirks in everybody that madly attract me. I could give a shit about the usual traits we're told to look for; the things I'm attracted to are never what I expect I'll be attracted to.
(I go to school with a bunch of actresses and dancers and models, and can confirm that beautiful 18-year-olds look basically like every other kind of 18-year-old when you're friends with them.)
Personality fucking matters. Personality and initiative. If you're not expressing what's interesting about you it's not my goddamned job to hunt for it.
posted by Rory Marinich at 6:56 AM on July 4, 2010 [3 favorites]
I find almost everybody attractive. We're all fucking gorgeous. All of us. I can't think of the last time I met a person who wasn't beautiful in some way or another. And I mean physically skin-deep beautiful. I find little quirks in everybody that madly attract me. I could give a shit about the usual traits we're told to look for; the things I'm attracted to are never what I expect I'll be attracted to.
(I go to school with a bunch of actresses and dancers and models, and can confirm that beautiful 18-year-olds look basically like every other kind of 18-year-old when you're friends with them.)
Personality fucking matters. Personality and initiative. If you're not expressing what's interesting about you it's not my goddamned job to hunt for it.
posted by Rory Marinich at 6:56 AM on July 4, 2010 [3 favorites]
Can we talk about the "DUCK FACE?" Afroblanco's use of that term made his message awesome.
posted by seventyfour at 8:13 AM on July 4, 2010
posted by seventyfour at 8:13 AM on July 4, 2010
Apparently a common term, and still a mystery to me: why would anyone pose this way?
http://antiduckface.com/
posted by seventyfour at 8:19 AM on July 4, 2010 [2 favorites]
http://antiduckface.com/
posted by seventyfour at 8:19 AM on July 4, 2010 [2 favorites]
What I don't get are the ones where you send a message with a question in it and they answer the question....and that's it. It's literally befuddling. Why are you answering back if you have no interest in continuing the conversation. Bored…?Crazy?
posted by edbles at 8:33 AM on July 4, 2010
posted by edbles at 8:33 AM on July 4, 2010
On further reading what Empress and Afro said. I have learned however that the half ass response people are actively that boring and quiet IRL so if they don't ask back jusat fucking drop it they aren't going to be worth your time.
posted by edbles at 8:48 AM on July 4, 2010
posted by edbles at 8:48 AM on July 4, 2010
But anyway, the basic generic facts of someone's life (I like movies! I have an iPhone! I'm a Lawyer! I like going dancing with my friends!) don't give you much of a foothold for starting a conversation -- which, once again, is really the whole point of the site. Yeah, I mean, I guess you COULD start a conversation with those basic facts -- but to my mind, it would be an awkward, stilted conversation.
Maybe those people like those things, and the fact that you don't means that you and that person won't be compatible. Other people who like iPhones, dancing and being a lawyer will probably actually HAVE something to talk about with that person.
What I don't get are the ones where you send a message with a question in it and they answer the question....and that's it. It's literally befuddling. Why are you answering back if you have no interest in continuing the conversation. Bored…?Crazy?
Uninterested and polite. You see, in real life, just ignoring people who talk to you is rude. So you give a perfunctory response and this serves to communicate "I'm not an asshole, but I'm also not interested."
Apparently a common term, and still a mystery to me: why would anyone pose this way?
The same reason people pose with glasses of wine while wearing designer jeans and high heels, or with a can of PBR while wearing ridiculous glasses. To communicate which crowd they are a part of.
posted by gjc at 9:03 AM on July 4, 2010
Maybe those people like those things, and the fact that you don't means that you and that person won't be compatible. Other people who like iPhones, dancing and being a lawyer will probably actually HAVE something to talk about with that person.
What I don't get are the ones where you send a message with a question in it and they answer the question....and that's it. It's literally befuddling. Why are you answering back if you have no interest in continuing the conversation. Bored…?Crazy?
Uninterested and polite. You see, in real life, just ignoring people who talk to you is rude. So you give a perfunctory response and this serves to communicate "I'm not an asshole, but I'm also not interested."
Apparently a common term, and still a mystery to me: why would anyone pose this way?
The same reason people pose with glasses of wine while wearing designer jeans and high heels, or with a can of PBR while wearing ridiculous glasses. To communicate which crowd they are a part of.
posted by gjc at 9:03 AM on July 4, 2010
Totally agree with you EmpressCallipygos. Happens to me quite frequently.
posted by special-k at 10:20 AM on July 4, 2010
posted by special-k at 10:20 AM on July 4, 2010
To which I'd like to add:
IF I WRITE YOU AN EMAIL ASKING YOU A QUESTION, DON'T JUST ANSWER IT AND END THE EMAIL RIGHT THERE. CONTINUE THE GOD-DAMNED CONVERSATION.
and
What I don't get are the ones where you send a message with a question in it and they answer the question....and that's it.
Hah! I know exactly what you mean. Totally don't get that. Usually if the girl is interesting enough, I'll write back about something, but rarely does that go anywhere.
Uninterested and polite. You see, in real life, just ignoring people who talk to you is rude. So you give a perfunctory response and this serves to communicate "I'm not an asshole, but I'm also not interested.
You know, maybe this is the case, but damned if that isn't the wrong thing to do. Reminds me of the few times I've gotten a random girl's number, called her, and then she called me back to tell me that she didn't want to go out with me. I mean, seriously. Had she never called, I would have just forgotten about her after a few days. Instead, I've got to think about this girl who took time out of her day specifically to tell me that she didn't want to spend another moment around me. How do people like that get through life? If a canvasser stops them on the street and asks if they can spare a moment for Greenpeace, do they spend like five minutes explaining why they don't have a moment for Greenpeace?
posted by Afroblanco at 11:19 AM on July 4, 2010
IF I WRITE YOU AN EMAIL ASKING YOU A QUESTION, DON'T JUST ANSWER IT AND END THE EMAIL RIGHT THERE. CONTINUE THE GOD-DAMNED CONVERSATION.
and
What I don't get are the ones where you send a message with a question in it and they answer the question....and that's it.
Hah! I know exactly what you mean. Totally don't get that. Usually if the girl is interesting enough, I'll write back about something, but rarely does that go anywhere.
Uninterested and polite. You see, in real life, just ignoring people who talk to you is rude. So you give a perfunctory response and this serves to communicate "I'm not an asshole, but I'm also not interested.
You know, maybe this is the case, but damned if that isn't the wrong thing to do. Reminds me of the few times I've gotten a random girl's number, called her, and then she called me back to tell me that she didn't want to go out with me. I mean, seriously. Had she never called, I would have just forgotten about her after a few days. Instead, I've got to think about this girl who took time out of her day specifically to tell me that she didn't want to spend another moment around me. How do people like that get through life? If a canvasser stops them on the street and asks if they can spare a moment for Greenpeace, do they spend like five minutes explaining why they don't have a moment for Greenpeace?
posted by Afroblanco at 11:19 AM on July 4, 2010
Here in my DC, instead of "I like Iphones, movies, and being a lawyer," it's "I run marathons and work in IT." But I have to say my BIGGEST pet peeve is "I love to travel." Dudes of the world, everyone likes to go on vacation. It's no big deal, and certainly not a distinguishing hobby.
posted by yarly at 11:35 AM on July 4, 2010
posted by yarly at 11:35 AM on July 4, 2010
I went to a small town for Canada day. All that people cared about were their jobs, their neighbours, and when they would next see their friends. People valued trust, health, hard work, kindness and politeness. All things that can be aspired to - unlike the "I'm in the city, I am bored!" thing you get from city people. It seemed quite relaxing.
However - everyone was already married.
posted by niccolo at 1:53 PM on July 4, 2010 [2 favorites]
However - everyone was already married.
posted by niccolo at 1:53 PM on July 4, 2010 [2 favorites]
Reminds me of the few times I've gotten a random girl's number, called her, and then she called me back to tell me that she didn't want to go out with me. I mean, seriously. Had she never called, I would have just forgotten about her after a few days.
Sounds like an Asker vs Guesser thing to me.
posted by Bangaioh at 2:17 PM on July 4, 2010
Sounds like an Asker vs Guesser thing to me.
posted by Bangaioh at 2:17 PM on July 4, 2010
But I have to say my BIGGEST pet peeve is "I love to travel." Dudes of the world, everyone likes to go on vacation. It's no big deal, and certainly not a distinguishing hobby.
"Something you should know if we're going to get on is that I love to travel - and by that I don't mean staying in one place for a holiday, I literally mean the travel process. Be it packed in a little European rental car, or getting robbed on a 7-day train journey across Siberia, or queuing for hours and getting selected for special secondary screening between connecting flights in America, I love it all. I know what I like, and I like a lot of it. I have a rolling road installed in my garage and a projector aimed at my garage door so I can drive the las vegas strip without even leaving my house."
posted by Mike1024 at 2:44 PM on July 4, 2010
"Something you should know if we're going to get on is that I love to travel - and by that I don't mean staying in one place for a holiday, I literally mean the travel process. Be it packed in a little European rental car, or getting robbed on a 7-day train journey across Siberia, or queuing for hours and getting selected for special secondary screening between connecting flights in America, I love it all. I know what I like, and I like a lot of it. I have a rolling road installed in my garage and a projector aimed at my garage door so I can drive the las vegas strip without even leaving my house."
posted by Mike1024 at 2:44 PM on July 4, 2010
Maybe okcupid needs to publish an internetiquette guide for the next blog post. The problem is there aren't any cultural ground rules. So half the users would disagree with whatever they said.
posted by edbles at 3:07 PM on July 4, 2010
posted by edbles at 3:07 PM on July 4, 2010
Afroblanco--I love you, dude, but reading your comments in this thread totally made me think of this scene from Swingers:
Mike: ...I spend half the night talking to some girl who's looking around the room to see if there's somebody else who's more important she should be talking to. And it's like I'm supposed to be all happy cause she's wearing a backpack, you know? And half of them are just nasty skanks who wouldn't be nothing except they're surrounded by a bunch of drunken horny assholes. And I'm gonna tell you something T. Are you listening?posted by mullacc at 5:58 PM on July 4, 2010
Trent: Yeah, I'm listening.
Mike: I'm not gonna be one of those assholes. Alright? It just makes me sick. It's like, some nasty skank who isn't half the woman my girlfriend is, is gonna front me? It makes me want to fuckin' puke!
I was about to respond to the "what do you mean you like to travel, everyone likes to go on vacation" thing, but Mike1024 beat me to it.
Seriously. There's a difference between "going on vacation" and travel. "Travel" is not "going to Disneyworld/Sandals Resort/a cruise line" for a couple weeks. When I say I like travel, I'm talking "throw things in the car, pick a direction, and drive, and live totally on your wits for a week or so."
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:50 PM on July 4, 2010
Seriously. There's a difference between "going on vacation" and travel. "Travel" is not "going to Disneyworld/Sandals Resort/a cruise line" for a couple weeks. When I say I like travel, I'm talking "throw things in the car, pick a direction, and drive, and live totally on your wits for a week or so."
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:50 PM on July 4, 2010
Oh. And please don't say you're looking for a "partner in crime," unless you're actually looking for someone to commit crimes with. In which case, email me.
posted by Afroblanco at 9:31 PM on July 4, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Afroblanco at 9:31 PM on July 4, 2010 [1 favorite]
I personally like the London Review of Books approach to personal ads.
Sample: "Unashamed triumphalist male for the past 46 years. Will I bore you? Probably. Do I care? Probably not."
posted by Stark at 2:42 AM on July 5, 2010
Sample: "Unashamed triumphalist male for the past 46 years. Will I bore you? Probably. Do I care? Probably not."
posted by Stark at 2:42 AM on July 5, 2010
Taking the questions seriously doesn't inherently lead to a dating profile that's uninteresting ... unless you're uninteresting. As a matter of fact, I'd rather you answer the questions on point so I can find that out. If your answer to questions about what you want to do with your future and the things you care about isn't interesting, then I don't want to go out with you no matter how clever you are.
Also, with regard to the article: young people like to do young people things. Film at 11.
posted by l33tpolicywonk at 12:45 PM on July 5, 2010
Also, with regard to the article: young people like to do young people things. Film at 11.
posted by l33tpolicywonk at 12:45 PM on July 5, 2010
there is a negative correlation between the number of messages a man sends per day to the reply rate he gets...
I have answered exactly one internet dating ad. I did so by setting up a profile as a direct response to a particular profile, addressing her individually. This resulted in a quite wonderful multi-year relationship.
posted by StickyCarpet at 4:57 PM on July 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
I have answered exactly one internet dating ad. I did so by setting up a profile as a direct response to a particular profile, addressing her individually. This resulted in a quite wonderful multi-year relationship.
posted by StickyCarpet at 4:57 PM on July 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
Seriously. There's a difference between "going on vacation" and travel. "Travel" is not "going to Disneyworld/Sandals Resort/a cruise line" for a couple weeks. When I say I like travel, I'm talking "throw things in the car, pick a direction, and drive, and live totally on your wits for a week or so."
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:50 PM on July 4 [+] [!]
I mean, the countless profiles that say "I love to travel -- Europe, Asia, Aruba is great." I can't tell you how many zillions of DC profiles say this.
posted by yarly at 8:24 PM on July 5, 2010
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:50 PM on July 4 [+] [!]
I mean, the countless profiles that say "I love to travel -- Europe, Asia, Aruba is great." I can't tell you how many zillions of DC profiles say this.
posted by yarly at 8:24 PM on July 5, 2010
I liked the comment on the gawker/lifehacker/whatever article that suggested the howaboutwe site was a studio front to gather ideas for Michael Cera vehicles.
And remember, kids: quirky doesn't mean interesting (note I didn't use "!=" there, I'm so proud of myself).
What I want to know is, though these sites have a setting for "new friends" or "activity partners", does anyone ever go in for that? Meaning, what kind of profile do I need to have where people will actually bother to reply for non-dating purposes? Is such a thing possible?
posted by Eideteker at 9:48 AM on July 6, 2010
And remember, kids: quirky doesn't mean interesting (note I didn't use "!=" there, I'm so proud of myself).
What I want to know is, though these sites have a setting for "new friends" or "activity partners", does anyone ever go in for that? Meaning, what kind of profile do I need to have where people will actually bother to reply for non-dating purposes? Is such a thing possible?
posted by Eideteker at 9:48 AM on July 6, 2010
What I want to know is, though these sites have a setting for "new friends" or "activity partners", does anyone ever go in for that?
Yes, they do, and they're full of shit. They need to find a different website.
I'm sorry, but this is a pet peeve.
How often do heterosexual women message other heterosexual women on OKCupid looking for friendship? How often do heterosexual men message other heterosexual men on OKCupid looking for friendship?
Exactly.
There are multiple reasons someone may check those boxes, and they're all bad, bad reasons, full of gameplaying, excuses, and horseshit.
Also? Activity partners? What the fuck is that, anyway? And how does that differ from a "friend" or a "date?"
"Steve? Oh, he and I are activity partners!" "Oh, you really do need to meet Helen -- she's great -- she's one of my activity partners." No. Bullshit. Doesn't exist. Try again. Fail. If it doesn't fit into a natural conversation, it doesn't exist, and is a bullshit creation of the online dating industry.
posted by Afroblanco at 10:37 AM on July 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
Yes, they do, and they're full of shit. They need to find a different website.
I'm sorry, but this is a pet peeve.
How often do heterosexual women message other heterosexual women on OKCupid looking for friendship? How often do heterosexual men message other heterosexual men on OKCupid looking for friendship?
Exactly.
There are multiple reasons someone may check those boxes, and they're all bad, bad reasons, full of gameplaying, excuses, and horseshit.
Also? Activity partners? What the fuck is that, anyway? And how does that differ from a "friend" or a "date?"
"Steve? Oh, he and I are activity partners!" "Oh, you really do need to meet Helen -- she's great -- she's one of my activity partners." No. Bullshit. Doesn't exist. Try again. Fail. If it doesn't fit into a natural conversation, it doesn't exist, and is a bullshit creation of the online dating industry.
posted by Afroblanco at 10:37 AM on July 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
Stark: Thanks much for that comment. I just borrowed They Call me Naughty Lola from the library. Absolutely hilarious. I fear that using such dry wit in my okc profile not go well.
posted by special-k at 11:00 AM on July 8, 2010
posted by special-k at 11:00 AM on July 8, 2010
Also? Activity partners? What the fuck is that, anyway? And how does that differ from a "friend" or a "date?"
I actually met someone via a dating site once who was specifically looking for that. Here's what he meant: he worked days, his wife worked nights. All their friends were also married and too busy to hang out. They only had a couple times a month that their schedules synched up themselves. He was just looking for people with similar schedules to hang out with sometimes.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:24 AM on July 9, 2010
I actually met someone via a dating site once who was specifically looking for that. Here's what he meant: he worked days, his wife worked nights. All their friends were also married and too busy to hang out. They only had a couple times a month that their schedules synched up themselves. He was just looking for people with similar schedules to hang out with sometimes.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:24 AM on July 9, 2010
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posted by mannequito at 3:17 PM on July 3, 2010 [1 favorite]