I'm not sure I want my ketchup "funky".
July 31, 2001 10:46 AM   Subscribe

I'm not sure I want my ketchup "funky". Heinz announces "funky purple" ketchup, because their green ketchup was so successful.
posted by binkin (36 comments total)
I have some red ketchup with green fuzz. Am I rich?
posted by jfuller at 10:59 AM on July 31, 2001

Johnson " let's make ketchup form dingo milk."
Jenkins "Er....."
Johnson " let's make ketchup that glows in the dark."
Jenkins "Uh......"
Johnson "Let's put a microchip in the bottle that screams when you open it... call it hemorrhage-aid."
Jenkins "Hm......."
Johnson " I know! let's put glitter in it!"
Jenkins "Too gay. Middle America will burry us."
Johnson "We need something, damnit!"
posted by dong_resin at 11:00 AM on July 31, 2001

how 'bout chocolate flavored toothpaste... mmm
or - to be really adventurous and push the boundaries of science as well as genetic engineering - they may.... no!, no! I cant, the people aren't ready for this, I mustn't..... even make a ketchup that tastes of dare I say it tomatoes
posted by monkeyJuice at 11:07 AM on July 31, 2001

Check it.
posted by timothompson at 11:10 AM on July 31, 2001

Okay. I gotta speak up. The green ketchup is cool. I mean, really, really cool. First of all, it tastes EXACTLY like regular ketchup, so there's no big jolt there.

And if you haven't seen it, it isn't just green. It's kind of a moldy Vogon green (and I mean that in the best possible way). Simply, it looks disgusting, tastes normal.

And let me be the first to cheer the inclusion of a purple ketchup as well. I just hope it looks as rancid as the green.

Let's see, purple ketchup, green ketchup, yellow mustard...perfect Mardi Gras burgers!
posted by ColdChef at 11:23 AM on July 31, 2001

My advice is don't get any green ketchup on your skin or clothes, it won't come off.
posted by Mark at 11:35 AM on July 31, 2001

Great purple poop!
Green ketchup turns your poop green! Will the purple have as much staying power?
posted by roboto at 12:03 PM on July 31, 2001

Okay people, follow me here -- you are not the target market for these products. These things are being made for kids. You know, youth. Children. Der kinder. Los niƱos. Les enfants. Roughly people born after 1990. They think it's cool. They ask for some, and parents relent and buy one bottle. The novelty wears off, and it's done.

We're about to finish our second bottle of green ketchup (bought one, got one when my kids were part of a trial group - it's nice to live near Heinz' corporate HQ) and I don't think that the gimmick is worth buying more -- but I will get a bottle of purple if the bunchkins want it. They eat far more ketchup than the adults in the household and we have our own bottle of the regular red stuff anyway.

But no use in slagging. Do you make fun of Bubble Tape? Fruit Roll-Ups? Pokemon-shaped Spaghettios?
posted by Dreama at 12:11 PM on July 31, 2001


Cheap liquor turns my poop green.
posted by dfowler at 12:13 PM on July 31, 2001

I just think using the word "funky" in relation to food is wrong.

jfuller: Yes, but only if you can come up with a catchy name. Pat the Ketchup, perhaps, to tie in with the popular kids' books?
posted by binkin at 12:20 PM on July 31, 2001

Why can't we be the target market? Orange hot dog buns, glow in the dark hotdogs, and purple ketchup...mmm.
posted by timothompson at 12:25 PM on July 31, 2001

As long as they don't expand to chyme-colored ketchup. That particular middle man shouldn't be eliminated!

Maybe what we need is "Funk" Ketchup. Parliament condiments! Let the Mothership funkify your fries! Maggot-brain Mayo!

posted by Kafkaesque at 12:45 PM on July 31, 2001

i for one will purchase this purple ketchup. my son jasper will love it.
posted by adampsyche at 12:46 PM on July 31, 2001

My kid loves green ketchup, he'll choose it over red ketchup every time. Thus, I will probably end up buying purple ketchup too. #**$ marketing, they're brilliant, because no way in hell am I making meatloaf (a regular staple around these parts) with anything but red ketchup. Sure, it's spoiling him- I don't have to buy extra ketchup, but it amuses him and distracts him from the fact that he's never going to get Super Robo Mega Ninja Monster with kung fu grip.
posted by headspace at 12:58 PM on July 31, 2001

But pretty soon these ketchups will wear off since they will become common place. We'll have more and more "weird" colors for ketchup, but a new "weird" color will be nothing new. Everyone born since green ketchup was created will no longer find these strange. The colored ketchup market will be dead forcing Heinz to close down shop and creating an economic downslide. End colored ketchup before it's too late!
posted by Mark at 1:03 PM on July 31, 2001

My 5- and 2-year-old sons like the green ketchup, but one thing about it scares me: It's a bitch to wash off the green off their hands.

I keep meaning to use it to make green lasagna.
posted by rcade at 1:20 PM on July 31, 2001

I guess that my 4yo boy is a freak of nature because he absolutely couldn't stand the green ketchup, and he is a ketchup freak. He was disturbed by the fact that it was green, but ate a couple of bites to make momma happy, but then never had another taste of it - always took the red bottle out instead.
Or maybe he just can't be swayed by the media? Riiiiiight. (as I head out the door to buy the latest and greatest Pop-Tarts for him).
posted by thatothrgirl at 1:23 PM on July 31, 2001

Is anyone here red-green color blind? If so, does the green ketchup look different from normal ketchup to you? If not, then you can join the fun now with the purple ketchup maybe.

I bought some of the green because I thought it was cool - it is actually a new experience to eat it - your brain thinks it should taste strange or disgusting - but it just tastes like ketchup! I think maybe it was runnier than red ketchup though. It looks like oil paint in fact.

I do hope this catches on with other condiments - imagine yellow ketchup and red mustard. Or white ketchup! They could call it "snow."

Or would all that threaten to disrupt our society's sense of structure in the world? It may prove to be too much - we will have to amend the constitution to allow only the correct colors of condiments.
posted by daser at 1:54 PM on July 31, 2001

But pretty soon these ketchups will wear off since they will become common place.

I fear Mark has fallen victim to Ketchup Ennui. Soon to be followed by a creeping sense of General Ketchup Malaise (which, strangely, was one of the rejected names for Kurtz in Heart of Darkness/Apocalypse Now...."The more I read about General Ketchup Malaise, the less I could understand why they wanted him dead".)

Mark! Save yourself! Rejuvenate yourself with some strange toy food products like Goober Grape or, if you are feeling particularly adventurous, Kraft's "Cheezin 'n Squeezin". -note: I tried to find pictures of cheezin 'n squeezin, but I think all visual evidence of this product may have been expunged from the public eye after the crimes against nature trial in which Kraft Foods was a defendant.
posted by Kafkaesque at 2:07 PM on July 31, 2001

You mean this Cheezin 'n Squeezin?
posted by binkin at 2:17 PM on July 31, 2001

Dear god! That's the stuff! I think it can also be used as a perky alternative to tile grout.
posted by Kafkaesque at 2:20 PM on July 31, 2001

This thread is creeping me out. Scientific research is uncovering evidence that food coloring is contributing to the increase in ADD, ADHD and other behavioral problems in children. (not to mention potential links to asthma, hives, excema and a host of other crap)

Maybe we could cut down on Ritalin if more food was the color it was supposed to be.
posted by joemaller at 3:02 PM on July 31, 2001

I keep meaning to use [the green ketchup] to make green lasagna.

posted by kindall at 3:51 PM on July 31, 2001

Bawarchi begs to differ!
posted by Kafkaesque at 3:56 PM on July 31, 2001

All right, there's some, in some recipes maybe, but not enough to make it green
posted by kindall at 4:01 PM on July 31, 2001

so does Jesus!

And the lord saith "Thou shalt use my ketchup in thy lasagna for ever more! But not that green kind." --The Book of Condiments 2:42
posted by Kafkaesque at 4:01 PM on July 31, 2001

hmm, maybe I'll have to add to my business card: "Defender of potentially white trash recipes"
posted by Kafkaesque at 4:02 PM on July 31, 2001

even weirder (self-link). this is the work of those damn leprechauns.
posted by lotsofno at 4:29 PM on July 31, 2001

How long then before they come out with Heinz Ketchup Klassic?
posted by spandex at 5:01 PM on July 31, 2001

"There are 57 Heinz varieties. Five of them are slated to work under black light within the year."
posted by galachef55 at 5:23 PM on July 31, 2001

Wait a minute, daser....white ketchup?

posted by Spirit_VW at 5:35 PM on July 31, 2001

I'm waiting for blue. I have a rule that anything blue will taste good.
posted by Su at 6:56 PM on July 31, 2001

I'm pretty sure colored novelty ketchup is a sign of the end of days.
posted by solistrato at 9:25 PM on July 31, 2001

"Bid for Kids" the article tagline reads.

Didn't Gary Glitter get into a whole lot of trouble for just that?
posted by dong_resin at 11:01 PM on July 31, 2001

you are not the target market for these products. These things are being made for kids.

Errr, Dreama? This is MetaFilter, of course we're the target market.
posted by lia at 11:26 PM on July 31, 2001


Oops -- the meal I'm threatening to render inedible with green ketchup is meat loaf, not lasagna.
posted by rcade at 4:28 AM on August 1, 2001

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