The Opinions of Tobias Grubbe
August 3, 2010 12:20 AM   Subscribe

I am fully occupied writing Essays for the broadsheets and news webs, as well as in certain Speculative Undertakings, and in missions for Her Majestie’s Government of a secret nature. Matthew Buck and Michael Cross combine under the nom de plume Tobias Grubbe to provide a Pepysian-style account of contemporary events, couched in terms of the language and lifestyle of three centuries ago.

A sample:

The 15th July 2010, St Swithin's Day. Weather: Mist, Rain & Fog.

Up and to Murdoch's coffee house to read the news, but the way was barred by two toughs bearing Bludgeons, demanding money, viz £1.0Sh. to enter for one day, or £1.0Sh.0d. to enter for 30 days.

Certain that the offer was a Gull, I made instead to Bridgerush's establishment, but there was too much Noise to think, a situation which did not seem to discommode Bridgerush's Hirelings, who joined in with a Shrill Tone.

On to the Seven Starres, where several Periwigged gentlemen entreated me to furnish drinks Pro Bono. I could not see Bono, who I think a Minstrel, but I took a quart of Sack with one Chancecliffe, who explained that the legal business is come on hard times. Master Halliwell is confined to the Fleet Prison, and even Mssrs Fresh & Field required to Tighten their Waistbands.

I took the Opportunity to explain that the Patrons of my weekly Article, which is displayed every Monday at the window of the most visited Quality Print Shop in the City, enjoy better fortune, and that, thanks to the latest Media Techniques, such favourable Publick Exposure is available at a very generous rate.

Home late O'the Clock, by way of Tyburn Tree, where a wench sold me for 1d a lock of hair from the head of the Highwayman Moot.

And so to bed".
posted by three blind mice (9 comments total) 9 users marked this as a favorite
 
"Mssrs Fresh & Field" - ha!
posted by thesmophoron at 12:30 AM on August 3, 2010


I'm having a fair bit of cognitive dissonance with this, because after I read sentences like:

I am fully occupied writing Essays for the broadsheets and news webs, as well as in certain Speculative Undertakings, and in missions for Her Majestie’s Government of a secret nature.


I expect to read a sentence that says, "I have complete information of Her Majestie's bank account details with an outstanding balance of $48,550,000.00USD ($48.550 Million USD) of which you are a beneficiary good sir".
posted by Sutekh at 1:49 AM on August 3, 2010 [1 favorite]


"Mssrs Fresh & Field" - ha!

Chancecliffe is almost certainly Clifford Chance, another large City law firm.

This is lovely stuff, very entertaining. In-jokey in a pleasant way.
posted by WPW at 2:20 AM on August 3, 2010 [1 favorite]


Whoah. So satiric as to be almost impenetrable. Well played sirrah!
posted by awfurby at 2:21 AM on August 3, 2010


Aha! So Bridgerush is Rusbridger. Lovely.
posted by WPW at 2:22 AM on August 3, 2010


Ah, I was struggling with Bridgerush, though I'd picked Clifford Chance.

"The Highwayman Moot" is presumably Raoul Moat?

The Murdoch reference is of course the fact that the Times website is now charging for access.

Who's "Master Halliwell"?
posted by Infinite Jest at 2:37 AM on August 3, 2010


One of the Spice Girls?
posted by awfurby at 4:27 AM on August 3, 2010


Halliwell is a law firm who just went into administration - hence the reference to the Debtors' Prison which used to be in Fleet Street (cfr Dickens, [pick any novel], passim).
posted by MessageInABottle at 6:36 AM on August 3, 2010


This is quite clever, but it's a blatant rip-off of the late Alan Watkins, whose end-of-year review in the Observer every Christmas was called 'Master Alan Watkins' Almanack' ('Written for the reformation of Manners, the advancement of Religion, and the universall improvement of the human Race') and written in a delicious pastiche of eighteenth-century prose. To my mind Watkins was much sharper and funnier:

1 January 2006. I will now tell you something more of Master Cameron. His Mother, a blameless Lady, was sister to the father of Sir F. Mount, the great Authour. He himself was at Eton-coll. in Bucks and at Brasenose-coll. in Oxford; which, to say the truth, is the Cause of greater Excitement in Fleet-street, Westminster and adjoining Areas of the Metropolis than it is in other Parts of the Kingdom, where the good People have long ceas'd bothering their Heads with Schools, Colls. and the like, preferring instead to give such Attention as they can spare from their other Amusements to Players, Ballad-singers, &c., &c.

31 December 2006. Twelve Months have pass'd since I sett down my Predictions for the Year 2006, of which most hath infallibly come to pass, viz., that in the month of March Master Chas. Kennedy will collapse of a fitt, brought about by an Excess of strong Spirits, and will devote himself no farther to publick Affairs; that in June there will be a very surprising Spell of frosty Weather, which will last twelve Days; that in the Month of August Master Anth. Blair, that (under God) is at the Head of Affairs, will make a Journey of the utmost Splendour and Magnificence, accompanied by a Retinue worthy of the Queen of Sheba herself, as is related in the ancient Documents; and that in September there will be a conspiracy led by Master G. Brown or by those acting under his Authority, with a Plethora of Plots, stratagems, pronunciementos, &c., &c.

Michael Cross's website has an archive of Tobias Grubbe's journal going back to 2008 -- sorry, I mean 1708. The recent columns are a bit too pleased with their own cleverness, but the early ones are really good.
posted by verstegan at 12:54 AM on August 4, 2010 [1 favorite]


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