Mariah Carey
August 3, 2001 11:12 PM   Subscribe

Mariah Carey blows big chunks, as we all know. But this article highlights just how badly she blows, in excruciating and hilarious detail.
posted by MikeB (25 comments total)
Spare yourself from reading this tripe. Hilarious? Kill this post before it spreads.
posted by john at 11:46 PM on August 3, 2001

From the link: The VH-1 Diva show is "...a cleverly disguised diversion to keep Aretha Franklin from eating our country's supply of livestock." My god - that nearly caused my brain to explode. I can't remember the last time I read something so funny.

And the stuff about Mariah Carey is just oh so true. I don't understand how anyone can listen to that garbage.
posted by davidmsc at 12:03 AM on August 4, 2001

john: Agreed.

And it's not just tripe. It's offensive tripe but it's also not worth getting excited about.
posted by rdr at 12:07 AM on August 4, 2001

After reading this very funny article, I took a looksie around the site. Try this line, from an article comparing Tom Hanks to Micahel Keaton:

[After Hanks won the Best Actor Oscar for Philadelphia] Hanks took the ball and ran with it... lining up his next movie and following the formula for winning another Best Actor award... play a retard. Nothing says Best Actor like retard.

posted by jameschandler at 12:15 AM on August 4, 2001

She can still buy and sell your ass.
posted by brian at 12:16 AM on August 4, 2001

I thought it was pretty funny offensive tripe, myself -- reminded me of the crazy pop-culture-obsessed rants on SeanBaby.
posted by rcade at 5:49 AM on August 4, 2001

This is a very cheap shot at someone who made a very bad decision early in their career and is now paying the price for her mistake in a psychiatric hospital.

If you're going to mock someone, have the class to put the target in your crosshairs when the subject isn't down and out in the gutter.
posted by ed at 5:56 AM on August 4, 2001

The article is funny. But it would have been much funnier if it was paired-down by to about 1/2 in length. Part of the human condition is the ability to be your own editor. That's why there are editors. (On the other hand, that doesn't explain why numerous SNL skits go on way too long and go from arguably funny to unbearable).

Also, for a horrible artist, this person knows WAY too much about her. The appropriate way to address something aesthetically awful is to cringe, run away and ignore it.
posted by ParisParamus at 6:06 AM on August 4, 2001

Ed: The article was published in April.
posted by rcade at 6:15 AM on August 4, 2001

(inability to be your own editor)
posted by ParisParamus at 6:28 AM on August 4, 2001

rcade: then we should have read it in april, not now.
posted by rabi at 6:34 AM on August 4, 2001

In two months, Mariah Carey will be making the rounds of the talk shows and getting her face on the cover of People as she describes her harrowing descent into madness. I don't see a reason to maintain a respectful silence about her right now because she attacked a kitchenette.
posted by rcade at 7:17 AM on August 4, 2001

rcade: True enough. My mistake, but I agree with Rabi here.
posted by ed at 7:59 AM on August 4, 2001

Most of us get to have our breakdowns privately. What a hellish thing it must be to have every bit of your pain plastered across the media as if this were just entertainment. The really sad thing is, for many, this IS entertainment.
I have never heard her music but I wish her well.
posted by bunnyfire at 8:41 AM on August 4, 2001

I have never heard her music but I wish her well.

Don't worry, she'll be back out looking down on the little people (like you and me) before you know it.
posted by justgary at 10:00 AM on August 4, 2001

Honestly, as much as I despise her career as well, if she showed up at my front door lookin' like she does and mentioned something about "tapping it" and going for a "romp" in one of her solid gold cars, I'd probably say "okay."
posted by dopamine at 10:22 AM on August 4, 2001

i wonder if i'm any less dirty for agreeing with dopamine, but not actually saying it.
posted by lotsofno at 11:37 AM on August 4, 2001

"What a hellish thing it must be to have every bit of your pain plastered across the media as if this were just entertainment."

Yeah, what a hellish thing that her publicist has released so many statements about her need for rest, and her hospitalization for exhaustion, in addition to calling tv outlets, tabloids, and the magazines to offer info for stories about Mariah. She, and her 'people' are running this illness like a bid for the presidency - if she wanted to get help without the media hoopla, she could have - lots of 'stars' do. Instead, she chose instead to use it as publicity.
posted by kristin at 11:57 AM on August 4, 2001

I thought the article was funny in the usual "let's pick on someone's persona" way. Of course she's a real person too, but none of us actually know her. It might not be terribly classy to shred an entertainer's public image, but it doesn't have all that much to do with the entertainer as a human being, either.

Um, what happened to Mariah Carey, anyway?

-Mars, blissfully out of the pop-culture loop
posted by Mars Saxman at 12:20 PM on August 4, 2001

shes hot
posted by clavdivs at 3:58 PM on August 4, 2001

Listen to her version of Tom Tom Club's "Genius of Love." She absolutely molested that song. That and her Christmas CD (which a cow orker played over and over) make Mariah slightly worse than all the other pop divas.

I hope she makes it through whatever crisis is happening (I don't read People mag), and if she stops singing, all is forgiven.
posted by kurumi at 6:56 PM on August 4, 2001

posted by clavdivs at 5:21 PM on August 5, 2001

kurumi: cow orker

I know you meant "co-worker" but the inadvertent space sure adds an interesting (and funny) twist. Cow Orker = one who orks cows.

And clavdivs, quit beating around the bush - what are you trying to tell us?
posted by davidmsc at 5:54 PM on August 5, 2001

i love her
posted by clavdivs at 6:36 PM on August 5, 2001

"Cow orker" is intentional. I believe it originated on Usenet and was popularized by Scott Adams of Dilbert fame through his mailing list.

Other Usenet-derived terms include "froup" (typo for "group" and now commonly used to refer to Usenet newsgroups) and "furrfu" (ROT13 for "sheesh", originally from alt.folklore.urban).
posted by kindall at 9:29 PM on August 5, 2001

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