Keep It Short And Descriptive

December 15, 2010 10:02 AM

The Bra Mask. The Youth Condom. The Train That Never Stops. The Meat Dress. The New York Times' unveils The 10th Annual Year In Ideas. (Including The Megalobster!)
posted by Scoop (39 comments total)

"Relaxation Drinks"? Am I completely out of touch, or is this not a thing?
posted by l33tpolicywonk at 10:08 AM on December 15, 2010 [1 favorite]

Looking at history through the lens of realizing, in the Internet age, how out of touch Big Media is is pretty revealing and interesting.
posted by DU at 10:09 AM on December 15, 2010 [2 favorites]

I idly daydreamed that idea for the "train that never stops" when I was like 14. The NYT makes fun but I still think it would be awesome.
posted by eugenen at 10:12 AM on December 15, 2010 [1 favorite]

I wrote a poem comparing condom purchases to coffee buying and how you can't get a small. All this time I wanted a youth coffee!
posted by cjorgensen at 10:12 AM on December 15, 2010

Pulling the emergency cord on the train that never stops.
posted by found missing at 10:17 AM on December 15, 2010 [2 favorites]

i wrote a story about the train that never stops when that article went around the first time.

I think everybody who spends any amount of time in the Metro has seen a train that doesn't stop at the station.

Usually, they're 'money trains', carrying fares so they can be deposited, or just trains out of service for maintenance. At least, that's what they tell you.

Some of the trains that don't stop, never stop. Not to pick up money, not for maintenance, not for anything. WMATA knows about them. They've been seen by passengers, drivers, janitors. Always late at night though, sometimes even at 4 or 5 in the morning, when Metro is supposed to be closed.

They get the reports, but they say when they check the tapes, the trains are never seen, except maybe as the wind that blows a piece of litter around on the platform. That's what they say.

Usually, the trains are empty, but sometimes people are seen on the train. Usually people say it looked like a homeless person, sometimes just standing, holding the bar on the ceiling. Sometimes they look out the doors or windows, their mouths open in a silent scream.

It's not always homeless people, though. Sometimes its a regular person like you or me. Sometimes men in dark suits, sometimes things that are shaped like men, but clearly aren't -- with grey skin or strangely elongated limbs.

The homeless children in DC say that you can get the train to stop, though. You have to stand in the exact center of the platform, face due south with your eyes closed, while an out-of-service train comes into the station. No matter what you do, don't look at the train, don't even open your eyes. You'll hear the train stop. Don't move, don't open your eyes. You'll feel a hand touch your shoulder. You will want to scream, but you can't. Whatever you do, don't scream.

A voice will say:

"What do you seek."

You must say: (you will find that you have no choice)

"I seek the way between worlds."

When you wake up-- IF you wake up-- you will still be on the platform, but days, perhaps weeks will have passed. You will have no memory of what happened. But everyone you know will see that you've changed. Some of them will ask you about it. Most will be afraid to say anything.

But you will have changed, because of what you've seen. You just can never talk about it.

All you can do is tell the story of The Train That Never Stops at a Station.

posted by empath at 10:17 AM on December 15, 2010 [22 favorites]

Wait, I take it back. The train idea alone is gold.
posted by DU at 10:18 AM on December 15, 2010

Am I completely out of touch, or is this not a thing?

I have definitely seen Relaxation Drinks on sale at Rite Aid/CVS/Duane Reade.
posted by griphus at 10:18 AM on December 15, 2010

Get with the program, NYT. The idea that the Meat Dress is somehow new or especially innovative is woefully out of touch. Gaga knows this -- she and her Haus have always been more interested in drawing inspiration than actually creating.
posted by hermitosis at 10:19 AM on December 15, 2010

Am I completely out of touch, or is this not a thing?

I don't see what there is to be confused about. Many people have a warm drink before bed to settle themselves down. It's a slightly different concept, yes, but it's taking that idea of a drink that settles you down and marketing it against energy drinks.

Personally, having had a "Drank" relaxation drink in Georgia, I think it's a placebo. But it is pretty delicious placebo.
posted by Askiba at 10:19 AM on December 15, 2010

I'm sorry, but seriously, what the hell? What are these people smoking - LSD mixed with crack - to get these "ideas"?
posted by Old'n'Busted at 10:19 AM on December 15, 2010

Why is that page screaming at me?
posted by Joe Beese at 10:20 AM on December 15, 2010

The meat dress? Is this the New York Times' Year in Ideas: 1987?
posted by wreckingball at 10:21 AM on December 15, 2010

Bombay Sapphire martini is my relaxation drink.
posted by ZenMasterThis at 10:22 AM on December 15, 2010 [2 favorites]

empath: reminded me of this (warning: time-sucking SCP link)
posted by Old'n'Busted at 10:23 AM on December 15, 2010

i was just riffing on creepypasta, really
posted by empath at 10:25 AM on December 15, 2010

They should fire whoever designed this page, btw.
posted by empath at 10:27 AM on December 15, 2010 [2 favorites]

I can't read a damn thing on that page. It's a mishmashed jumble of bold headlines and I can't figure out what I'm supposed to be looking at.

There's half an article worth of text at the bottom of the page, but when I hit the down arrow to view it, it inexplicably switches to a different page. If I move my mouse around, various animations spring to life, trying to get my attention, the page scrolls automatically, things are happening randomly without any reason.

Fuck this.
posted by inedible at 10:28 AM on December 15, 2010 [1 favorite]

The train that never stops is good in theory, but getting ordinary passengers to climb up and down from a pod in between stops seems like a recipe for disaster, or at least, delays...
posted by mdn at 10:28 AM on December 15, 2010

I just noticed the tinyurl-style URL the times puts on the articles ("share: "). Good idea.
posted by ctmf at 10:30 AM on December 15, 2010

I was very impressed by the concept of The Train That Never Stops. Then I got clever: Well, uh, what happens on a stop where more passengers want to leave than the pod can hold? I guess the rest are screwed, huh? So much for your Chinese plan for dominating the world of rail commute technology!

Then I heard a little Chinese voice in my head saying: Well, uh, then the train stops. People leave. Pod stilll useful everywhere else. World of rail commute technology succesfully dominated.
posted by Anything at 10:37 AM on December 15, 2010

And "Literary Near Futurism?"

Egan even pulls off a powerful 70-page chapter written entirely in PowerPoint. The overall effect of their experimentation is to produce a powerful nostalgia for the ever-vanishing present.

For me, it creates the powerful image of a booted foot stamping on Egan's face, forever.
posted by GenjiandProust at 10:50 AM on December 15, 2010

I was sort of hoping that the Youth Condom was a rubber sheath with a rebreather apparatus that you pull over the whole kid to shut them up from the terrible twos through the idk my bff jill years.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 11:01 AM on December 15, 2010 [1 favorite]

The graphics on the page "The 2000s were a great decade" are really heavy on what Tufte calls "the lie factor." They lower the base of the year 2000 to make the difference between 1990 and 2000 look smaller and 2000 to 2009 look larger and they start the base from an arbitrary point (about $5000 for the average income). The numbers presented (1990, $6813; 2000, $7883; and 2009, $9514) represent a jump 1990 to 2000 of 15.7% and 2000 to 2009, 20.7%. And 2009 was a worldwide recession year which may have brought the numbers down.
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 11:03 AM on December 15, 2010 [5 favorites]

I absolutely love the layout of this actually. It's not appropriate for everything, but here, it works.
posted by two or three cars parked under the stars at 11:16 AM on December 15, 2010 [4 favorites]

I kind of want one of those guitar bridges now. But I'm not paying $330 for it unless it has an integrated piezo pickup.
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 11:27 AM on December 15, 2010

The Bra Mask. The Youth Condom. The Train That Never Stops. The Meat Dress.

The Face Palm.
posted by GuyZero at 11:32 AM on December 15, 2010 [1 favorite]

Literary Near Futurism: the project of sketching out that near future has been taken up by that most retrograde of content providers — the literary novelist.

Formerly known as SF, but now given legitimacy. It's literary!
posted by never used baby shoes at 11:36 AM on December 15, 2010

It didn't occur to me until I heard about the Ginger-Ale Celebration that duh, of course dousing people in champagne is disrespectful of those in recovery from alcohol abuse. I like the alternative.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 11:58 AM on December 15, 2010 [1 favorite]

Well, I think the youth condom is a brill idea.

Now to get them to actually use them. I work at a convenience store and the number of "superamazingjumbosizenoiamsonotexaggerating" condoms we sell has lead me to believe there is something in the water here causing genital elephantiasis.
posted by Samizdata at 12:34 PM on December 15, 2010 [1 favorite]

For the last time, Fabian Cancellara did not have a damn motor in his bike!

A power source small enough to fit in a bike frame, light and efficient enough not to neutralize its own output, and powerful enough to provide any benefit to a top ranked climbing specialist would represent such a dramatic revolution in materials and power storage that it would transform our entire society. Actual motor-assisted bikes typically require a 10 lb or more battery. This is nearly the weight of a competition bicycle. I don't know why those fools from the UCI started x-raying bikes on the tour this year, other than as a sideshow to distract from actual doping issues.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 12:57 PM on December 15, 2010

Has LED, even.
posted by Samizdata at 1:02 PM on December 15, 2010

I don't know why those fools from the UCI started x-raying bikes on the tour this year, other than as a sideshow to distract from actual doping issues.

They fill the frame with blood and then do the infusion while in the middle of the peleton.
posted by GuyZero at 1:45 PM on December 15, 2010

I have definitely seen Relaxation Drinks on sale at Rite Aid/CVS/Duane Reade.

I've seen a whole store full of them - it's called BevMo.
posted by GuyZero at 1:46 PM on December 15, 2010

I also like the design, especially once you start using the previous/next controls. Not perfect, but think of how many sites out there would put one idea per page, in some lame attempt to maximize pageviews.
posted by adamk at 6:08 PM on December 15, 2010

The megalobster is not an idea.
posted by deliquescent at 6:49 PM on December 15, 2010

Also: pic of the megalobster.
posted by deliquescent at 6:50 PM on December 15, 2010

I see your megalobster and raise you a shrabster.
posted by ostranenie at 7:21 PM on December 15, 2010

as dances with sneechers pointed out. VERY VERY DODGY Graphics on The 2000s were a great decade.. The numbers themselves are a bit Meh. but the graphs.. jesus. what a scam
posted by mary8nne at 2:06 AM on December 16, 2010