Why not decorate an old twig with festive finger puppets?
January 4, 2011 3:30 AM   Subscribe

Handy hints for your home. A selection of the best useful uses for your useless knicknacks. Even Viz magazine has household tips for the busy reader, as does lifestyle guru Peter Baynham.

(A little context - the UK 'real life' magazines carry household hints and tips, some of which border on risible. Viz started a parody column. At least I think it's a parody - sometimes it's hard to distinguish from the real thing...)
posted by mippy (12 comments total) 10 users marked this as a favorite
If you enjoy Viz's Top Tips, which I always have, there's a twitter version.
posted by pompomtom at 4:22 AM on January 4, 2011

The nut log and carpet insoles..... oh my.

(I kind of want to stick wrapping paper on a doorway now though.)
posted by Trivia Newton John at 4:40 AM on January 4, 2011

Actually duct taping heavy duty clear Mylar sheets across open doorways is much more fun for the parents.
posted by Splunge at 4:54 AM on January 4, 2011 [3 favorites]

Top Tip: solve the conflict in Israel and the Occupied Territories by employing street cleaners to remove all stones from the streets of the West Bank and Gaza.
posted by MuffinMan at 5:11 AM on January 4, 2011

When crossing a one-way street save time by only looking in the direction of traffic - John Bogroll, Fulchester.

When crossing a one-way street always look both ways in case there is a large fucking removal lorry reversing the wrong way up the street - John Bogroll, Fulchester Royal Infirmary.
posted by jontyjago at 5:35 AM on January 4, 2011 [3 favorites]

Thanks for reminding me of Fist of Fun and Peter Baynham. I'll always remember seeing him at the Oscars (nominated for Best Screenplay for Borat) and feeling really proud, like he was a member of my family or something.
posted by Summer at 5:44 AM on January 4, 2011

When crossing a one-way street in Nice:
1. Before leaving your home, place a compact umbrella in one hand.
2. Sling purse/bag/finance containment unit across your chest so that it can't be pulled off easily by thieves.
    a. While doing this, double-check that you have closed the zippers, snaps, and buckles on your finance containment unit.
3. Open building door. Look both ways before venturing onto the sidewalk, lest you be taken unawares by a 16-year-old driving their scooter on the sidewalk.
    a. If/when youthful scoundrel zips past you while yelling "get out of the way, a-hole!", use previously-strategically-placed umbrella to smack them upside their head (if helmeted) or, if not helmeted, damage a rear-view mirror so they'll think twice before running down pedestrians another time.
    b. Follow with a loud "The road is THERE! THIS is called a sidewalk for a reason!!!!"
4. Look down so as to avoid animal excrement while approaching the crosswalk of the street you wish to cross.
5. Find a spot wide enough between the cars parked in the crosswalk, in order to engage in the crosswalk.
    a. For particularly egregious offenders, pull their wipers and twist their rear-view mirrors so they'll think twice before blocking a damned crosswalk.
    b. If unable to find enough space to squeeze through, continue until one is found, then approach crosswalk carefully to engage.
6. Look both ways before crossing. Even if the crosswalk has a light, look both ways before crossing.
    a. Yell "THE LIGHT IS RED!" at any arsehole running a red light through a crosswalk with a pedestrian in it.
    b. Smack car with umbrella still in your hand, preferably on the driver's side window.
    c. Retort "THE LIGHT IS RED!!" when the driver curses at you for benignly yet loudly hitting their precious tank that nearly frakking killed you.
7. Cross the street.
posted by fraula at 7:18 AM on January 4, 2011 [3 favorites]

The side bar on PickMeUp includes the coyly titled "Him Indoors." The user photographs are titled "Hubbie in the Nuddy." Women, using their real names and districts, send in pictures of their SOs in the altogether so to speak.
posted by ohshenandoah at 7:57 AM on January 4, 2011

ohshenandoah - there's a British trope, commonly found in porn mags, called 'Reader's Wives'. I think this is the soft, nudge-nudge-wink-wink version for housewives.
posted by mippy at 8:00 AM on January 4, 2011

My favourite Viz top tip: "Why waste money on expensive binoculars? Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view."
posted by Decani at 1:01 PM on January 4, 2011 [1 favorite]

I can remember as if it was yesterday (and it certainly wasn't) choking with laughter in a lecture after reading:

"Make your artificial leg less noticeable by wearing long trousers."
posted by NailsTheCat at 4:08 PM on January 4, 2011

My favourite was: "EMPLOYEES: Only use the toilet at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid."
posted by jonesor at 3:42 AM on January 5, 2011

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