October 18, 2001 11:54 PM   Subscribe

HIJACKERS SURPRISED TO BE IN HELL Meanwhile in other news..... GOD CLARIFIES "DON'T KILL" COMMANDMENT. They're back at it at The Onion... Is it time again for laughter? does anyone remember laughter? ... What's your Response ? Or should we stick with the serious and News?
posted by danger (868 comments total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
Did... did we hit a wrinkle in time? I'm cold and scared!
posted by toddshot at 11:55 PM on October 18, 2001

Ah, yes. Just what the world need: Links to a month old Onion. Praise the lord!
posted by Fahrenheit at 11:56 PM on October 18, 2001

posted by chaz at 11:57 PM on October 18, 2001

Sorry,.. Hadn't seen it on here yet,.. Just used it as a point though,.. is it time to start making fun of this already?, Sorry if it's not Up to The Minute Late-Breaking Links,.. but I have a life away from this box too you know,... Sheese! Just thought it make for a good conversation...
posted by danger at 12:04 AM on October 19, 2001

In other news, God angrily clarifies "No Onion links" rule...
posted by pascal at 12:14 AM on October 19, 2001

Sheese! Just thought it make for a good conversation...
It was a good conversation!
posted by ericost at 12:16 AM on October 19, 2001

In other news, God angrily clarifies "No Onion links" rule...
posted by pascal at 12:19 AM on October 19, 2001

I hit post just once, I swear...
posted by pascal at 12:21 AM on October 19, 2001

I love The Onion, and some of the latest stories (like Hijackers Surprised to Find Selves in Hell or A Shattered Nation Longs to Care About Stupid Bullshit Again) are excellent. They are the things that a lot of people are thinking, the jokes a lot of people want to crack, but don't feel comfortable with doing that. A great pressure valve, if you will.

But, in the end, nothing beats my favorite column: Got Finally Gives a Shout-Out Back to All His Niggaz: 'Despite the overwhelmingly positive response among rappers, the Lord is drawing fire in certain circles for His use of the word "nigga."'
posted by jedrek at 12:21 AM on October 19, 2001

posted by webmutant at 12:51 AM on October 19, 2001

i thought that said "Hackers Surprised to find Selves in Hell".......

y'all know that ogres are like onions, right?
posted by po at 12:56 AM on October 19, 2001

Where's good ol' TAMIM when you need 'im? He ripped me apart for less than this (semi-deservedly), and he'll get you and your little dog, too, my pretty!
posted by Bixby23 at 1:02 AM on October 19, 2001

How many Taliban terrorists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One to attempt to do it.
One to spy on him and catch him doing it.
One to accuse the other two of vanity and vice and then have them incarcertated in prison.
Twenty to chastise the other men for forgetting to stone the lightbulb to death, because a lightbulb is a symbol of the infidel and enlightenment is evil.
The answer: none. Irony is dead. Long live irony!

How many Afghanistan women does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Answer: what does it matter? They can't see through their veils anyhow.

Three Afghanistan women walk into a bar. Ouch that must've hurt.

Oh I gotta million of 'em! Thank you! I'll be here all week! Good night!
posted by ZachsMind at 1:21 AM on October 19, 2001

Somewhere, the baby jesus is weeping quietly in a cheap hotel room, cradling an empty bottle of rotgut whiskey, with no sound but the white noise hissing of a broken television set.

Or not.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 1:58 AM on October 19, 2001

don't worry stavro, tomorrow no one will know. [but we'll still all have that icky feeling, like when someone wipes their ass on your face or forgets an italic tag on the front page]

by the way, did you know that the past tense of smote is smitten. usually they're not used in the same sense... interesting.
posted by eyeballkid at 2:17 AM on October 19, 2001

whoops. I meant the past tense of smite is smitten. whatever, i'll never see either of these comments again.
posted by eyeballkid at 2:25 AM on October 19, 2001

Yay!! What a playground the comments page for double posts has become. Until the sun rises on the west side of the continent, what did you guys eat for breakfast?
Did it start with a "P" and end with "-ancakes"?
posted by nprigoda at 4:01 AM on October 19, 2001

The past tense of smite is smote.

The past participle of smite is smitten.

I smote the dragon.

The dragon was smitten by me.
posted by Hexaemeron at 4:01 AM on October 19, 2001

Completely other continent, nprigoda....while the Matt's away, the mice will play.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 4:09 AM on October 19, 2001

since this will all disappear soon...

I have a confession to make. I am a film buff. The AFI list? Seen almost all of them.

But I've never seen "It's a Wonderful Life." Yeah, I know it comes on every Christmas.

Never seen it. Have no desire to. Put that in your pancake and syrup it.
posted by ColdChef at 4:40 AM on October 19, 2001

I had pop-tarts of the chocolate frosted variety and juice of oranges
posted by Mick at 5:08 AM on October 19, 2001

I'll see your IAWL and raise you one more:

Star Wars. Never seen any of them. Star Trek? Same thing: movies AND series.

any other confessions from people? Knowing this thread is doomed?
posted by luser at 5:08 AM on October 19, 2001

Naughty little mice.
posted by bjgeiger at 5:09 AM on October 19, 2001

The dragon was smitten by me.

yum! tell us the details!
posted by quonsar at 5:20 AM on October 19, 2001

I did it. It was me.
posted by davidmsc at 5:22 AM on October 19, 2001

posted by Hankins at 5:30 AM on October 19, 2001

davidmsc never liked the Beatles.

Okay, that's more of an incitement than a confession...
posted by xiffix at 5:34 AM on October 19, 2001

danger: Sorry,.. Hadn't seen it on here yet.

I'd heartily recommend using the search engine here at MeFi. Look for the URLs, article titles, or words you plan on posting. Most importantly, do it. Assume that your link has been posted already. Be prepared to jump ship.

In addition, Onion links are frowned upon as of late because people have been posting them repeatedly. I think this is the fifth or sixth time we've seen links to this particular issue.
posted by hijinx at 5:39 AM on October 19, 2001

Okay, my confession, I told my little sister I was god. She believed me until she was 10.
I felt so bad about that.
posted by nprigoda at 5:44 AM on October 19, 2001

posted by Carol Anne at 5:53 AM on October 19, 2001

I would just like to take this opportunity to say that the recent demise of the search function on Metafilter has proven devastating to the s/n ratio and enjoyability factor. Who woulda thunk that such a simple thing could change good to bad.

That's why I eat pancakes. Yes, pancakes. You can't beat their wholesome goodness. No search function needed, just add syrup and shove em in.

posted by Outlawyr at 5:54 AM on October 19, 2001

umm.. i know you guys are gonna be pissed about this but... ::looks down at feet:: it was me... umm... i stole the cookie from the cookie jar.
posted by lotsofno at 6:03 AM on October 19, 2001

My Confession : I damn near pooped my drawers a few minutes ago. Honest. Too much kimchi, soon-dae and low-quality beer. Again.

But I clenched, and prevailed. Hooray! More pan-fried batter disc-shaped joy!
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 6:08 AM on October 19, 2001

Oh, jeez. A shameful confession? Despite being raised in a strongly pro-Joel household, it's always been my heartfelt belief that Mike was the better MST3K host. I mean, come on. The quick wit, the affable charm, the willingness to cross-dress without shame!

But my parents must never know of my lov - er, opinions on the matter. Thank you, doomed thread, for your brief gift of freedom!
posted by brookedel at 6:09 AM on October 19, 2001

Sorry, Stavros, for some reason I keep thinking you live in Toronto too. Probably because there is a prominent mens wear store in town called "Stavros". Every time I walk by I add in "thewonderchicken".
I know you're in korea. Have some Kimchee for me!
posted by nprigoda at 6:12 AM on October 19, 2001

caps lock hurts my eyes...
posted by phunkone at 6:13 AM on October 19, 2001

Ummm. I would have never made my movie confession if I thought this thread would last this long. Please, please go away before someone mocks me.

BTW: luser:: None of them? Never? damn...that's impressive.
posted by ColdChef at 6:19 AM on October 19, 2001

Confession: I abuse garden gnomes.
posted by y6y6y6 at 6:21 AM on October 19, 2001

*points finger at ColdChef and laughs*
sorry, you really were asking for it!
posted by nprigoda at 6:24 AM on October 19, 2001

Only because this thread is doooooomed, as I respect copyright laws totally and fully and in all respects, I want to share a wee Charles Bukowski poem with you all, knowing it's only temporary, as his readings have been my audio soundtrack for the evening's festivities :

it was just a little while ago

almost dawn
blackbirds on the telephone wire
as I eat yesterday's
forgotten sandwich
at 6 a.m.
an a quiet Sunday morning.

one shoe in the corner
standing upright
the other laying on it's

yes, some lives were made to be
Associated confession : I'm way past the age where most people think a great deal of Buk, but I still do.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 6:26 AM on October 19, 2001

I had a dream last week where Captain Stubby put on a raincoat and went into a dark, foul-smelling cave. Because of this, I'm doubting my sexual orientation. I have gone on a strict diet of waffles until I'm through this time of crisis. I blame Evil-doers.
posted by Perigee at 6:37 AM on October 19, 2001

A true pancake story: when I was 10 we went to Paisley, Scotland, to visit my mum's relatives. Walter and Agnes Anderson were a very sweet older couple who treated my sister and I like princesses. Before we went to sleep they asked us what we'd like for breakfast in the morning. We asked for pancakes, and in the morning there were pancakes. I later found out that Walter had spent the night calling people trying to find out what the heck pancakes were and how he could make them.
I miss them very much.
posted by nprigoda at 6:39 AM on October 19, 2001

i like bud light better than shiner bock.

and luser: i've never seen any of them, either. so at least you're not alone, eh?
posted by sugarfish at 6:47 AM on October 19, 2001

Captain Stubby? Recently departed from Australia, I'm thinking a short but pleasantly-portly anthropomorphicized (is that a word?) beer bottle, wearing a cape....big red 'S' on the label.

[Superhero voice]
This problem can be solved with.....beer!
[/Superhero voice]
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 6:56 AM on October 19, 2001

My confession... I've been a MeFi member since the summer of 1999, and have never posted a front page link for fear of being slagged. I'm so ashamed. (I'm a girl though. That counts for something, doesn't it?)
posted by Fenriss at 7:00 AM on October 19, 2001

Cabbage Heads
Cabbage Heads, Cabbage Heads
All in a row
Watch them rot in a vacant lot
and kick them with your toe
Throw them up against the wall
And watch them bounce around
Dress them up in formal tux
And let them paint the town
Cabbage Heads, cabbage heads
Never get a date
They just sell insurance
And always get in late.

posted by tpoh.org at 7:05 AM on October 19, 2001

I was in New Zealand a few years ago and got a kick out the SuperLiquorMan stores. You could never have something like that in the U.S. My sister and I had fun working up some Saturday morning cartoon episodes...
posted by Dean King at 7:06 AM on October 19, 2001

The Giant Floating Lemur Head spits delicious liquor into the upturned mouths!

If I ever open that bar, that'll be the motto burned into the rough-hewn cedar beam above the obligatory mirror behind the bottles. Or maybe not.

It's getting pretty late here.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 7:16 AM on October 19, 2001

My confession?

I use Mozillal to read Metafilter, but have to switch over to IE to post.

I'm an acorn, small and round
lying on the cold, cold ground
everyone steps on me
that is why I'm cracked, you see

I'm a nut, I'm a nut, I'm a nut i'manut imanut...

posted by jazon at 7:25 AM on October 19, 2001

Only one thing missing from this thread: HAIKU!!!

Despite multiple
warnings, danger posts old link.
Mefi wrath follows.

Unclefes returns!
But Mefi loves Miguel more.
Sensitive? not me!

Breakfast: what to eat?
Bacon? no. Peach Poptart? no.
Must be something else...

posted by UncleFes at 7:27 AM on October 19, 2001

If UncleFes were the buddha, I would rub his belly for good luck.

Even if he weren't. Nothing like a good belly-rub.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 7:33 AM on October 19, 2001

Not THE Buddha, just a Boddhisattva.

When you getting back from Korea, Grasshopper? Bring me some soju and you can rub all you want. Hands gotta stay above the equator, though.
posted by UncleFes at 7:36 AM on October 19, 2001

Yay! Finally! A world leader with a goofier smile than Duh's!
posted by tpoh.org at 7:44 AM on October 19, 2001

They make peach PopTarts? What is the world coming to?
posted by adampsyche at 7:47 AM on October 19, 2001

Why are these men so happy?

It's the love, the Metafilter love, spreading it's wings across the globe.

Or sumpin'.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 7:48 AM on October 19, 2001

Sure they do! A great, one-syllable fruit :)
posted by UncleFes at 7:48 AM on October 19, 2001

Mefi Love Fest? Yes!
Even right-wingers can get
a good belly rub.
posted by UncleFes at 7:52 AM on October 19, 2001

Ahhhhhh.....I've been proposing belly rubs with the Right! Ah well...

When it comes to rubs
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 8:00 AM on October 19, 2001

A peach
was kissed by the sun

and the morning dew

While overhead a little bird flew

and watched as

it grew
and grew
and grew

posted by jazon at 8:09 AM on October 19, 2001

Wow, this thread will go down in MeFi history. Is anyone close enough to Matt to get a copy of this thread put somewhere safe for posterity?
Oh, and I'll rub anyone's belly, if they can bring Miguel back.
posted by nprigoda at 8:13 AM on October 19, 2001

This thread
was kissed by UncleFes

and stavrosthewonderchicken

While overhead a little pancake flew

and watched as

it grew
and grew
and grew

posted by jazon at 8:22 AM on October 19, 2001

I've been eating the flowers...
posted by D at 8:25 AM on October 19, 2001

I've been lapping at the deep, stinky core of life...
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 8:32 AM on October 19, 2001

...and that's not UncleFes's deep, stinky core I'm talking about...

(get your mind outta the gutter)
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 8:34 AM on October 19, 2001

Damn, I'm way too late to weigh in against this inane post, but I get halfway through the discussion and I'm suddenly waist-deep in pancakes? What gives? Can someone explain the reference to a newbie?

posted by UrbanFigaro at 8:40 AM on October 19, 2001

UrbanFigaro : Bow to the Riff Lord

Sorry I don't know what that phrase means, I just like to say it when I'm a wee bit inebriated.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 8:45 AM on October 19, 2001

hid under table
when the pancakes hit the fan;
now coated with goo.
posted by Kafkaesque at 9:00 AM on October 19, 2001

Hey, stavros, you know what you should eat right now? Sea cucumber.
That'll make you sober up real quick.
posted by nprigoda at 9:02 AM on October 19, 2001

Miguel Cardoso
doesn't know that he's gooey
his wife will be mad.

I kid because I love.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 9:10 AM on October 19, 2001

I've been proposing belly rubs with the Right!

Right-winger, maybe
but an atypical one.
Missile shield? bullshit!

UncleFes's deep, stinky core

the FesCore is more
black, soulless and malignant.
Not too much stink, though.

as for the gutter,
I've been a resident there
so long they bring mail

Kafkaesque! Brother
Haiku-man! Together we
shall bring them metre!
posted by UncleFes at 9:10 AM on October 19, 2001

::Hangs head in simple-syllable-counting-shame::
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 9:16 AM on October 19, 2001

Wonderchicken, you
are a true Duke of Poultry!
Please bring back soju.
posted by UncleFes at 9:18 AM on October 19, 2001

The belly rub is
like sword and butterfly kiss
best left undiscussed.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 9:26 AM on October 19, 2001

Outside this thread
other events collect thoughts
but we grok pancakes
posted by jazon at 9:26 AM on October 19, 2001

The proof lay not in
grok or thought, jazon; 'tis in
the devouring

This thread, once haven
to Captain Stubby dream talk,
now reeks of Zen. Boss!
posted by UncleFes at 9:33 AM on October 19, 2001

When worldwide events
are too unbelievable
we must eat flapjacks

Join us in the quest
To bring Bisquick love to the
godless goat heathens

When all Earth's children
have tasted maple syrup
only then I rest

ps not that I really think of anyone as a godless goat heathen or anything. it just feels right, dammit!
posted by Kafkaesque at 9:35 AM on October 19, 2001

When only the best
will do. Misses Butterworth
Sticky Sweet Goddess
posted by jazon at 9:37 AM on October 19, 2001

Godless Goat Heathens Unite!
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 9:38 AM on October 19, 2001

The scientist thinks
E=mc2, but
pancakes turn the world
posted by jazon at 9:38 AM on October 19, 2001

wonderchicken cries
pancakes in every pot

ohmygod I'm on a roll...
posted by jazon at 9:39 AM on October 19, 2001

Pancakes; are they not
"cakes" of "Pan"? Cute goat-footed
satyr our Patron!

Methinks Brother K
knows more of Goats than he says.
Pagans, not heathens.
posted by UncleFes at 9:45 AM on October 19, 2001

posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 9:51 AM on October 19, 2001

Dominus vobiscum
Et cum spiritu two oh
Won't you eat my sleazy pancakes
Just for Saintly Alphonzo

They're so light and fluffy white
We'll raise a fortune by tonight
They're so light and fluffy brown
They're the finest in the town

posted by Dean King at 9:54 AM on October 19, 2001

Scary Goat Picture
is Kafkaesque on top or bottom?
or watching from side?
riffing on UncleFes
posted by jazon at 9:58 AM on October 19, 2001

Ronin! your Quatrains
offend our five-seven-five

Yet, scribes of either
style must agree; Stavros'
art collection rules.
posted by UncleFes at 9:59 AM on October 19, 2001

In the early morn
Would not have been so brazen.
Thread won't go away.

::hangs head in confessional shame::
posted by ColdChef at 10:00 AM on October 19, 2001

HORRORS! I have lost
my ability to count
five-seven-five will return

I am distracted
between work and Mi Fi, no?
my focus will return
posted by jazon at 10:04 AM on October 19, 2001

Why did the Sherbrooke
Police play at tilting the
machine themselves?
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 10:06 AM on October 19, 2001

Hey! Who hasn't thought
At one time or another
about fucking goats?

Deep silence descends
As I look around and think
"shouldn't have said that"

Sometimes it's better
to keep bestial goat-sex
allusions quiet

And that, by the way,
was not me in the statue.
I swear, your honor.
posted by Kafkaesque at 10:11 AM on October 19, 2001

An example of
'victim' mentality in
action. Posted before?
cut-n-paste haiku!
posted by jazon at 10:13 AM on October 19, 2001

I love that we're herding all the haiku posts into one thread so that Matt can axe 'em all in one fell delete.

Confession: American's Funniest Home Videos and all of it's awful, awful clones? Holy Gamoly, I love those shows. And the "Bloopers" reel at baseball games? Heaven.

[Speaking of which: go Mariners.]
posted by Shadowkeeper at 10:14 AM on October 19, 2001

Ever have those moments when a two-syllable word sounds like a one syllable word?

Let's try again:
An example of
'victim' mentality in
action. Old Post New?
posted by jazon at 10:14 AM on October 19, 2001

Goats in the barnyard
Often are nervous. Do they
fear Kafkaesque? No.

Continue to read
this soon-doomed thread to see how
it all will wrap up
posted by jazon at 10:19 AM on October 19, 2001

I love that we're herding all the haiku posts into one thread so that Matt can axe 'em all in one fell delete.

The axe falls sighing.
The just die with the unjust;
Life is moving on.
posted by boaz at 10:22 AM on October 19, 2001

The transitory
nature of these haiku gems
add to their value.

As the hermit crab
who forsakes his fleeting home
gets crushed underfoot.

Tathagata –
word that sounds good in Haiku
Kerouac be damned.
posted by Kafkaesque at 10:26 AM on October 19, 2001

oh dear
bad counting again
posted by Kafkaesque at 10:28 AM on October 19, 2001

New feature request...
MeFi lair of silliness
to hold axed greatness.
posted by boaz at 10:33 AM on October 19, 2001

bad counting again
MiFi haiku taxes brain
but lifts my spirit
posted by jazon at 10:33 AM on October 19, 2001

Yankees rule the world
Mariners have not a chance
New Yorkers will dance!
posted by msacheson at 10:34 AM on October 19, 2001

I love you folks.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 10:42 AM on October 19, 2001

Humorous Series
of cartoons. Posted Many
times. Made bondcliff laugh.

And we love you, too, Stavros.
posted by jazon at 10:45 AM on October 19, 2001

I just like to say it when I'm a wee bit inebriated.

Stavros...you're ALWAYS inebriated.
posted by xochi at 10:46 AM on October 19, 2001

John is coming late
To the bad-post-haiku-fest
Still, gamely, he tries
posted by jpoulos at 10:49 AM on October 19, 2001

You try, and Succeed!
Better late than never, John
please post while you can
posted by jazon at 10:52 AM on October 19, 2001


Well, as long as this thread is still here...

I can't turn away from those shows where cops are in high speed pursuits. I could be flipping through the channels on my way to something of value (Austin City Limits, Iron Chef, the never ending line of shows about Hitler on the History channel), but when I see some cop tearing through the streets chasing some asshole...I gotta stay for the crash.

And when they don't crash? Hoo, mama! Do I get pissed!

"World's Scariest Police Chases" It brings out the ignoramus in me.
posted by ColdChef at 11:17 AM on October 19, 2001

sigh, good haiku-ing,
but I guess you all had to
get to work or pub.
posted by boaz at 11:19 AM on October 19, 2001

After promise of
rub, I too love Stavros, and
envy his liver.

All Haiku Forum!
K and "friend" should moderate:
pancakes, love, goatsex.
posted by UncleFes at 11:22 AM on October 19, 2001

There was a young poster on MeFi
Unaware of the double-post mob cry
With a tap of the finger
Made a post that did linger
Much longer than one dull and dry

My limerick can beat up your haiku.
posted by skyscraper at 11:27 AM on October 19, 2001

I love goatcakes.
posted by D at 11:34 AM on October 19, 2001

syllabic nightmare
I see the numbers dancing
Are they flying elves?

Cosmic freakout starts
as numbers lose all meaning
pancakes are wilting

Haiku poster is
losing his reality....
look! Baby monkey!
posted by Kafkaesque at 11:34 AM on October 19, 2001

Among the haikus,
the lim'rick verse is like a
cellphone at a play.
posted by boaz at 11:37 AM on October 19, 2001

limerick pales when
compared to a haiku with
too many syllables
posted by Kafkaesque at 11:38 AM on October 19, 2001

You know, things really went to hell when Miguel left. But luckily he's back now.
posted by ColdChef at 11:38 AM on October 19, 2001

Welcome home Miguel
we have been missing you for
almost three days now
posted by nprigoda at 11:47 AM on October 19, 2001

In haiku your syllabic profusion
Stands out as a tin-eared intrusion
But in limericks, you see
Extra beats can bring glee
Tho' my example is lost in confusion
posted by skyscraper at 11:56 AM on October 19, 2001

I feel like I just read the latest post-modern novel.
posted by chrismc at 12:00 PM on October 19, 2001

Limericks? Horrors.
No Zen, no Art; the best just
insult Nantucket.
posted by UncleFes at 12:02 PM on October 19, 2001


the haiku is sharp,
a rapier to the weighty
word hammer you wield.
posted by boaz at 12:08 PM on October 19, 2001


The limerick you seek
cannot be located; here
just haiku exist

I was at lunch, but now I'm back
posted by jazon at 12:17 PM on October 19, 2001

you people scare me.
posted by hotdoughnutsnow at 12:31 PM on October 19, 2001

Last night I compared this thread to having someone wipe their ass against your face, now it's the funniest thread ever. Strange
posted by eyeballkid at 12:32 PM on October 19, 2001

For satori reserve your haiku
Limericks rule in these threads white and blue
For a rapier wit
Just isn't worth spit
When the talk is of goatsex and goo

"threads white and blue"... man, I'm good.

blue screen now white
a hasty index clicking
lunch is over
posted by skyscraper at 12:36 PM on October 19, 2001

Oh, poor eyeballkid,
on mefi the seasons change
while you are sleeping.
posted by boaz at 12:40 PM on October 19, 2001

Skyscraper's Haiku
paints a true image, and yet
fails five-seven-five test

Yeah, haiku smackdown, from the guy who can't count syllables either...

Strange conversation
Carl, cuddling, and Key West
Co-workers are strange
posted by jazon at 12:40 PM on October 19, 2001

More cut-and-paste fun!

caps lock hurts my eyes
goats, pancakes, and confessions
you people scare me.

"No Onion links" rule
tomorrow no one will know
funniest thread ever
posted by jazon at 12:45 PM on October 19, 2001

Shucks, so this is
Where the action was
All along
posted by MiguelCardoso at 12:52 PM on October 19, 2001

Wary of Matt's return
Making thread Fizzle!, Pop!, Poof!
While I Lookaway OnlyASecond.

Sheesh, it's been a long time since Mrs. Webb and 5th grade. It's just as hard as I remember.

The point is I'm dying here trying to decide whether I'm hungry enough to risk leaving MeFi and having Matt zap this while I'm gone.

Oh, the dilemma.
posted by dness2 at 12:55 PM on October 19, 2001

Beginners (especially if better acquainted with Western poetry) often do well to follow the 5-7-5 discipline at first. Later, when they become comfortable with saying what they want said in the least words, as it is easier to switch to the shorter styled haiku in a natural movement. This does not mean that 5-7-5 haiku are beginners' work; many, many very good writers insist on remaining with the form scheme.

From Another Attempt to Define Haiku

smackdown indeed
posted by skyscraper at 12:56 PM on October 19, 2001

So much for drama. My link-posting is rudimentary - try this
posted by skyscraper at 1:00 PM on October 19, 2001

Love what Robert Frost
said of free-form poetry
'tennis without net'
posted by boaz at 1:02 PM on October 19, 2001

Skyscraper's wisdom
Attempt to Define Haiku
The link is broken

A google search took
about point one five seconds
the web site is here

And what a good site it is. No offense meant, skyscraper. Thanks for the enlightenement!
posted by jazon at 1:06 PM on October 19, 2001

Indeed, who could have
known this thread could consume my
whole day so quickly

I'm going to have to go soon. You guys have been great. At least I know where all the nice kids hang out. We were probably all the nerds in highschool. Right? Guys? Right?

Maybe it was just me then.
posted by nprigoda at 1:08 PM on October 19, 2001

Oh, and skyscraper - your followup post almost is a haiku, if you force the syllables:

So much for drama.
My link-posting is ru di
men tar y - try this
posted by jazon at 1:08 PM on October 19, 2001

When Haikus Last in the MeFi Thread Bloomed is one of the seminal works of Whitman. (Note: there is no nastiness intended in the chance inclusion of both the words "seminal" and "Whitman". Thank you.)

Tangential Haiku Pun:

The Non-Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner
posted by Kafkaesque at 1:08 PM on October 19, 2001

Vermont 125
Facing poet Robert's house
sign: "Caution, Frost Heaves"
posted by skyscraper at 1:11 PM on October 19, 2001

nprigoda :

Oh, I was a nerd
Grade School, High school, and college
But now I'm a geek

I've started speaking in haiku and I can't stop
posted by jazon at 1:12 PM on October 19, 2001

oh the dilemma
ghost tumbleweed blows nearby
is this deletia?
posted by walrus at 1:13 PM on October 19, 2001

A good haiku
answers no questions nor asks.
just fits together.

A bad haiku
is merely post-modern art.
but more fun to write.
posted by boaz at 1:20 PM on October 19, 2001

Nay; though mathowie,
Mefi Lord, might our poesy
axe, Haiku endures.
posted by UncleFes at 1:24 PM on October 19, 2001

"merely post-modern"
seems to ascribe laziness
but hits the zeitgeist
posted by walrus at 1:29 PM on October 19, 2001

Ah, the geeks unite,
a feist of poetic might.
May Matt pity us

I would like to visit this in the distant future and show my grandkids what ol' gran was doing in her twenties.
posted by nprigoda at 1:36 PM on October 19, 2001

Ah, the geeks unite,
a fiest of poetic might.
May Matt pity us

I would like to visit this in the distant future and show my grandkids what ol' gran was doing in her twenties.
posted by nprigoda at 1:36 PM on October 19, 2001

Ack, I suck. Two tries (tried to hit the stop button in time... grrr), and I still spell "feast" wrong.
I throw myself at your feet and beg for mercy.
posted by nprigoda at 1:38 PM on October 19, 2001

Today's work undone
Endless refreshing of screen
tiny haiku gems
posted by jazon at 1:39 PM on October 19, 2001

his server stutters
Matt stands red-faced trembling
squeaks echo at hole
posted by skyscraper at 1:45 PM on October 19, 2001

Tummy now sated
Dessert is a Po'try Feast
Time for Siesta

One more deadline looms
2 hours hence -- great posting feast?
Or sad void in threads?
posted by dness2 at 1:47 PM on October 19, 2001

Error occurred while
processing request
. And the
haikus continue.
posted by walrus at 1:51 PM on October 19, 2001

Dessert is a Poultry feast??

or feist?

I'm all messed up inside.
posted by Kafkaesque at 1:54 PM on October 19, 2001

May's cherry blossoms
transient constellation
covert haiku thread
posted by donkeymon at 1:56 PM on October 19, 2001

In the quietness,
Tommy Lasorda's stomach:
relief in Haiku
posted by Kafkaesque at 2:00 PM on October 19, 2001

Nantucket schoolboy
syrup-soaked goatherd faces
Japan not Ireland

haiku verse drawing
New England's grim multitude
demanding limericks
posted by skyscraper at 2:05 PM on October 19, 2001

Oh, the dilemma.
See what danger has started?
To post or to work...
posted by jazon at 2:08 PM on October 19, 2001

Back, thread, on topic!
Mefis: did you of late see
Onion fake news site?

Laffs aplenty there!
Not only is there satire,
but other stuff too.

Whoops! Despite search bar
and scroller ability,
I posted doubly!

ColdChef: "I like films!"
Perigee: "Captain Stubby!"
Poems start; you know rest.
posted by UncleFes at 2:10 PM on October 19, 2001

scraper converted.
the heathens had their goatherds
so we have lim'rick.

limerick theory
celebrates fire, not the ash
where diamonds are born.
posted by boaz at 2:11 PM on October 19, 2001

my pancakes are gone
syrup wiped from table
who took the butter?
posted by po at 2:16 PM on October 19, 2001

I would like to visit this in the distant future and show my grandkids what ol' gran was doing in her twenties.

Children! Gather round,
hear tales of digitized youth:
Aye spelt gud bak thenn :)
posted by UncleFes at 2:17 PM on October 19, 2001

contemplating zen:
is still available."
posted by po at 2:20 PM on October 19, 2001

pancake and onion
goaheard, limerick, po's butter
UncleFes rules thread

Outside other posts
lie baren, shallow, unread
our haiku go on
posted by jazon at 2:23 PM on October 19, 2001

jazon again tries
to multitask while posting
and can't spell GOAT HERD
posted by jazon at 2:25 PM on October 19, 2001

moment's distraction
haiku flashing fastly past
jazon stole butter!
posted by po at 2:30 PM on October 19, 2001

Po should perhaps be
less concerned with theft, more with
her cholesterol.
posted by Kafkaesque at 2:38 PM on October 19, 2001

Somewhere in the night
Thread ninety-six-twenty-two
lonely and afraid
posted by Kafkaesque at 2:53 PM on October 19, 2001

forget lipids, Po
should see a good doctor; her
tummy has TV!
posted by UncleFes at 2:53 PM on October 19, 2001

golden butter melts
steam rises in slow circles
round buckwheat pancakes

blueberry muffin
pink paper cup holds breakfast
crumbs fall in my lap

Kraft Macaroni
milk, water, orange powder
half a butter stick
posted by jazon at 2:54 PM on October 19, 2001

ConAgra Dairy
announces pink Margarine
Inspired by po?
posted by jazon at 2:57 PM on October 19, 2001

eyes glowing in dark
thread nineteen reanimates
scanning for victims
posted by skyscraper at 3:03 PM on October 19, 2001

Uh... Mr. Ashcroft? Them. All of them. Watch for people conducting themselves in a strange manner or making unusual requests

posted by skyscraper at 3:22 PM on October 19, 2001

my last post for now
Time to begin my commute
Will check back tonight
posted by jazon at 3:27 PM on October 19, 2001

this thread still
here? howie on the
lam, i guess.
posted by mattpfeff at 3:36 PM on October 19, 2001

po's TV tummy
comes with wireless cable, too
innovention, yum!
posted by po at 4:05 PM on October 19, 2001

Glee at day's end
A guilty pleasure this thread
Satire of MeFi?
posted by dness2 at 4:20 PM on October 19, 2001

It's been twelve hours -
And my shame is still laid bare!
I trusted you, thread!
posted by brookedel at 5:54 PM on October 19, 2001

My week beginning
Now, while others party on
This thread cheers me much
posted by Optamystic at 7:38 PM on October 19, 2001

All right, cut the shit.
Please stop posting to this thread.
It's pissing me off.
posted by jpoulos at 7:56 PM on October 19, 2001

Sad that seventeen
little words could provoke such
posted by Optamystic at 8:17 PM on October 19, 2001

awake in morning
hangover pounding my brain
ah! sweet thread survives
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 10:17 PM on October 19, 2001

Daddy has gone out
The kids are running riot
Matt's gonna be pissed
posted by Steven Den Beste at 10:27 PM on October 19, 2001

I can not believe
I read all the posts in that thread

I have not slept for
Twenty hours, need to sleep.
First eat breakfast. Yum!

Plus, I think that thread may have taught me to spell.
posted by nprigoda at 4:46 AM on October 20, 2001

Saturday Morning
eleven sixteen A.M.
The thread has survived

Many more postings
have appeared in my absence
Imaging my joy
posted by jazon at 10:21 AM on October 20, 2001

howie back
thread still here somehow
posted by mattpfeff at 3:24 PM on October 20, 2001

Matt understands us
the simple joy such a thread
brings hearts new and old
posted by nprigoda at 3:36 PM on October 20, 2001

*tap tap*

"This thing still on?"
posted by tpoh.org at 8:23 PM on October 20, 2001

morning comes soon now
thoughts of buttery pancakes
fill my dreams tonight
posted by po at 9:35 PM on October 20, 2001

haiku belly rubs
benevolent mathowie
has let this one slide
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 9:37 PM on October 20, 2001

Welcome, October
twenty-first; cold, wet, rainy
in my part of Earth
posted by nprigoda at 5:26 AM on October 21, 2001

sumbitch kill't my dawg
shot 'um between the eyebawls
i'll kill that sumbitch
posted by tpoh.org at 6:16 AM on October 21, 2001

posted by tpoh.org at 6:18 AM on October 21, 2001

One-eyed translator
unhappy with his own thread
Sneaking into ours
posted by jazon at 7:44 AM on October 21, 2001

One One Six Two Nine
Transient haiku endures
Sweet little pleasure
posted by jazon at 7:47 AM on October 21, 2001

Like a kid on christmas eve
What will Monday bring?
posted by jpoulos at 6:48 PM on October 21, 2001

Just a wild guess
A fifteen dollar surcharge
Placed on all haikus?
posted by brookedel at 7:31 PM on October 21, 2001

Lim'ricks gather force
Ban on haiku awaiting
Western poesy
posted by skyscraper at 9:24 AM on October 22, 2001

Thanks, guys, for posting.
This thread was a blast. But now
all return to work

See you guys next time! *Kiss Kiss* I'll miss you!
posted by nprigoda at 12:02 PM on October 22, 2001

danger is sorry,
His search yeilded no to his links
He twitches his nose,
His treatment by these nerds stinks

posted by danger at 12:10 PM on October 22, 2001

Tee hee, danger. That was funny!
welcome back to your post!
posted by nprigoda at 6:33 PM on October 22, 2001

200 posts looms
just an artificial goal
but a goal no less
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 11:37 PM on October 22, 2001

just two more haikus
floated on this blue ocean
to make stavros' goal
posted by walrus at 12:43 AM on October 23, 2001

run little haikus
for this evil, monster thread
follows close behind
posted by walrus at 12:47 AM on October 23, 2001

proud ant on the peak
clouds gathering, deluge looms
behind lie greater peaks still
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 2:34 AM on October 23, 2001

So many mislaid gems.
I am forced to create a
"MeFi links" folder.
posted by walrus at 3:47 AM on October 23, 2001

depression sets in
I can't believe I missed this
late to the par-tay
posted by tj at 8:52 AM on October 24, 2001

Seattle (Reuters) The mysterious TacoZero, commander of the Limerick Domination Front, today announced that the LDF has reached an agreement with the Haiku Irregulars designed to drive the influence of threads 9622 and 1142 from thread 11629 and the surrounding areas of Northwestern MeFi. "These even numbers are an offense to right-thinking people everywhere" the diminutive leader declared Wednesday. "We believe that only by being odd can our people achieve true freedom."

It is not clear if the Haiku Irregulars have a command structure, but most members contacted agreed that the numbers 5 and 7 were odd.
posted by skyscraper at 10:38 AM on October 24, 2001

splurge, splutter, fuckedkeyboard.com!
posted by MiguelCardoso at 12:07 PM on October 24, 2001

Good to see many
haiku-ers continuing
the struggle for breath.

As these threads become
self-referential in-jokes
entropy descends.

I shriek with terror
And back away from Miguel
he fucked his keyboard!
posted by Kafkaesque at 1:46 PM on October 24, 2001

what sterling control
a coherent train of thought
passion's hunt and peck
posted by skyscraper at 4:12 PM on October 24, 2001

after the quiet rain
only memories remain:
softly drying earth
posted by walrus at 9:46 AM on October 27, 2001

walrus: not fair. That's poetry. Are you trying to ruin this thread or what?
posted by MiguelCardoso at 1:15 PM on October 27, 2001

yeah, sheesh, man! what gives?
this thread is all sillyness,
no beauty here lives!

Ha haha!
posted by nprigoda at 2:03 PM on October 27, 2001

heh. I thought it dead:
never realised others watched
the threads vital signs
posted by walrus at 2:29 PM on October 27, 2001

like a desp'rate beast,
fighting for a final breath,
bad haiku returns
posted by po at 11:31 AM on October 29, 2001

tremble ye mortals
the wonderchicken reborn!
wha? hey, who farted?
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 12:36 AM on October 30, 2001

With trembling nostrils,
step warily round this thread:
dying haiku smell.
posted by walrus at 3:08 AM on October 30, 2001

Fes returns to peek;
Methought this place abandoned!
Nay! Smell, but yet life!

Even Miguel stoops
to pen a bit of terse prose,
and goad the walrus.

From across Asia,
Stavros brings kim-chi flatus,
we tremble from stench.

Even I depart
now must; 'tis five, and Missus
Fes has dinner on.

The table, laden
with savory Samhain treats,
beckons: Fishstick Night!
posted by UncleFes at 2:05 PM on October 30, 2001

Sounds fishy to me ...
conspiracy nuts take note:
Samhain's tomorrow!
posted by walrus at 2:30 PM on October 30, 2001

No conspiracy!
Missus Fes' Fishsticks not only
served on Pagan fests.
posted by UncleFes at 8:26 PM on October 30, 2001

Just as well too.
fishsticks taste better ;)
posted by walrus at 2:44 PM on October 31, 2001

Avuncular Fes
butterfly wing haiku grace
for me to poop on!

I love so I kid
the Fessian haiku stream
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 2:20 AM on November 1, 2001

Stav, you Jack-Blacky
Jester! Korea is bright
from your wicked light.

I have oft wondered:
why is Stavros in Asia?
Soldier? Or psycho?

"WonderChicken" now
means "Mefi Boddhisattva."
Hai! A worthy cult.
posted by UncleFes at 12:53 PM on November 1, 2001

On and on and on
This thread keeps rollin' along
On and on and on
posted by jpoulos at 1:52 PM on November 1, 2001

Dangerous Onion
Half-consumed by fowl's haiku
And festering words

Green tendrils probe earth
Odorous sphere sprouts new life
This thread will not die
posted by skyscraper at 5:18 PM on November 1, 2001

Favourite haiku
may be preserved, immortal,
if cooked with onion.

Fishsticks, cult chicken,
and other prolix dishes:
slathered with spices.

This large sea mammal
goes to practice frying skills.
Stav: send me a wok!
posted by walrus at 2:59 AM on November 2, 2001

o' warty tusked one,
fishsticks are far better baked,
fry that chicken, though.

Funny, that "walrus"
needs to practice eating fish.
Sea is full of them!

But I think that, for
wokking, best to use round steak.
peppers, onions, rice.

Fry the whole mess up
with lots of garlic, olive
oil, drench in soy sauce.

We love to wok all
our leftovers with rice and
lime juice; empties fridge!
posted by UncleFes at 12:57 PM on November 2, 2001

Nay, do not unto
fish what is proper performed
upon fowl. Fry you

may, but bake them not.
Fishsticks? Abomination!
Roasting's for the birds!
posted by mattpfeff at 1:25 PM on November 2, 2001

Roasted is good bird,
but compares weakly to fried;
skin alone worth it!

How to fry fishsticks?
Already breaded they come,
you just heat and serve.
posted by UncleFes at 2:44 PM on November 2, 2001

'Twould be wrong to fry
a fishstick, but not a fish.
They taste better fresh.
posted by mattpfeff at 3:26 PM on November 2, 2001

chicken families
lain waste by hungry mefites
o god the carnage
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 5:08 AM on November 4, 2001

chicken on a cart
propelled by feathered wingtips
drumsticks, thighs consumed

turns with sister hens
stavros beckoning the way
onward to vengance
posted by skyscraper at 3:43 PM on November 5, 2001

No practice needed
devouring succulent fish:
sashimi saves cooking.

Stavros, enraged and
half-et, seeking fowl revenge
on hen plunderers,

should consider green
mustard, or even soy sauce:
ensure sliced thinly.
posted by walrus at 4:54 AM on November 6, 2001

::opens door, notices dimly-lit form with huge teeth sorting through condiment jars and pieces of raw flesh. exits quickly::
posted by skyscraper at 3:45 PM on November 6, 2001

hope I haven't
scared everyone away:
that could get boring

posted by walrus at 4:35 AM on November 7, 2001

Though the walrus is
fearsome, Uncle Fester is
just unnatural!

Light bulb lights in mouth?
Survives - nay, thrives! - in deadly
family? Can do.

So if you have got
some raw flesh there, Walrus, save
some for your Uncle.
posted by UncleFes at 10:24 AM on November 7, 2001

A foul alliance
is thus born. Flee, dear fish, flee!
I cannot save thee.
posted by mattpfeff at 10:45 AM on November 7, 2001

Walrus: if we can
bring Stavros to our cause, the
world shall kneel to us!

Stav takes pan-Asia,
you take the azure oceans,
and I'll rule the rest.

Our triumvirate
will rule as benevolent
kings and dictators

Our words will be wise,
our subjects will stand in awe,
plus tons of hot chicks.
posted by UncleFes at 11:28 AM on November 7, 2001

::opens door at the mention of hot chicks, astonished to find...::

fiercely bright triad
huge above tiny minions
silliness rampant
posted by skyscraper at 12:06 PM on November 7, 2001

Ha! My chance at last!
Fes ... prepare all our armies!
Broadcast that special

announcement: we will
not take any prisoners
or give much mercy

until we have won,
then things will soon get better
around the old place.
posted by walrus at 12:09 PM on November 7, 2001

It will be done as
you say! The FesLegions are
ready for battle!

Victory shall be
sweet; my high school revenge list
is long, distinguished.

Ever since the "locker
incident," I have plotted;
soon, vengeance is mine!

Even now I practice
my Vader-esque laugh: Bwaha!
Note: get evil "look."
posted by UncleFes at 1:43 PM on November 7, 2001

::skyscraper gives UncleFes evil look::
posted by skyscraper at 4:58 PM on November 7, 2001

That is not what I
meant; I meant that I should get...
oh, forget it, man.
posted by UncleFes at 1:27 PM on November 8, 2001

Hey Fes, where is our
errant co-conspirator?
Maybe we're betrayed.

Stavros, we need your
superior air-cover
for this plan to work!

Hey I just realised:
is this a cellular phone?
Prank caller! Goodbye ...
posted by walrus at 2:42 PM on November 8, 2001

Stavros would never
betray us... wait a minute,
someone's at the door...
posted by UncleFes at 2:57 PM on November 8, 2001

::opens door::

sorry, just one of
many miniscule minions
where are those hot chicks?
posted by skyscraper at 3:25 PM on November 8, 2001

::opens door::

Doors close by themselves
thanks to good Leonard Lin
friend of the lazy
posted by skyscraper at 3:33 PM on November 8, 2001

posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 1:19 AM on November 9, 2001

love love love love drink
beer beer beer wheeeeeeee burp fart beer
love love love love sleep
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 7:01 AM on November 9, 2001

And so the evil
triumvirate collapses.
Thanks from all the fish.
posted by mattpfeff at 7:12 AM on November 9, 2001

I always thought that
I would be the weak link in
the triumvirate.

Well, it was a good
idea while it lasted. No
revenge for today.

But even though world
domination is off, I'm
still practicing laugh.

And with luck, Stavros,
Walrus and I can still tell
kingly tales, get chicks.
posted by UncleFes at 8:58 AM on November 9, 2001

And with luck, Stavros,
Walrus and I can still tell
kingly tales, get chicks.

no doubt stavros has worked that one out already (unless of course the Wonder Rooster has the market cornered) ....
posted by mattpfeff at 9:16 AM on November 9, 2001

With that accent and
goofy antics, the Rooster
has an empty coop.

Our Wonderchicken,
though, is a chick magnet, and
fills his coop with babes.

I think secretly
women want a man like Stav:
full of beer, gas, love.
posted by UncleFes at 9:37 AM on November 9, 2001

Through years of lonely
plotting, the brave go chickless,
haunted by heat'd dreams

Of greater glory
and hot babes to come. Alas!
'Twas not meant to be.

Their wicked plot foiled,
the old roosts beckon once more.
posted by mattpfeff at 10:31 AM on November 9, 2001

Fish: don't feel relieved.
I have other plans for you
(neither fried nor baked).

Our first plot is foiled,
and mattpfeff is off our case.
What shall we do next?

Beer, chicks and gases
of various descriptions?
Sounds like a good start ...
posted by walrus at 11:44 AM on November 12, 2001

stav posts goatse when
in his cups : that was freakin
lame, apologies.

Does Fes call me true?
a chick magnet cock, no less?
in my dreams bucko!

Am I to believe
global domination dream
gone like windstorm fart?
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 1:20 AM on November 13, 2001

::Opens door to find::

Three fallen idols
Giant cracked stones feeb'ly glow
Minions on the dole

Terrorists from hell
Scamper among the ruins
Searching for onions

Twilight of the gods
Thread thinning, almost gone now
And still no hot chicks
posted by skyscraper at 5:04 PM on November 19, 2001


I met a traveler from an antique land
Who said: Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
Stand in the desert . . . Near them, on the sand,
Half sunk, a shattered visage lies, whose frown,
And wrinkled lip, and sneer of cold command
Tell that its sculptor well those passions read
Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things,
The hand that mocked them, and the heart that fed.

And on the pedestal these words appear:
"My name is Ozymandias, king of kings:
Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!"

Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare
The lone and level sands stretch far away.

Percy Bysshe Shelley


posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 2:10 AM on November 20, 2001

Art thou pale for weariness
Of climbing heaven and gazing on the earth,
Wandering companionless
Among the stars that have a different birth,
And ever changing, like a joyless eye
That finds no object worth its constancy?
posted by walrus at 2:51 AM on November 20, 2001

OK, not *FIN*

::secretly rejoices::
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 3:20 AM on November 20, 2001

Tales of our demise
have been exaggerated:
we lurk in the dark.

I've been hid in caves
as all evil plotters must
when faced with ruin.

The coast seems clear now:
bring on the hot dancing chicks?
I've got a keg here ...
posted by walrus at 4:17 AM on November 20, 2001

a week passes by
thread comes to a grinding halt
is turkey to blame?
posted by ColdChef at 1:38 PM on November 27, 2001

Guerilla turkeys
protecting their safe haven:
Occupied MeFi

Feathered escapees
from Thankgiving's bloody axe
fire at intruders

Hot chicks now hatch out,
eggs shattered by tiny beaks
new turkey cadre

Wild turkeys now roam
where boozy Wild Turkey ruled
parties forgotten

Guano'd keg rusting
MeFi 11629
now homeland for fowl
posted by skyscraper at 1:28 PM on November 29, 2001

Back in this thread, I
suddenly notice my shoes
full of turkey shit.
posted by Kafkaesque at 3:16 PM on November 30, 2001

Gotta watch gobblers.
Their wattles wobbling, they shriek
hours: the clock chimes them.
posted by walrus at 6:22 PM on November 30, 2001

And the rain of bells
falls on the necks of turkeys!
Arise! On to death!

hmm channeling some
form of inspirational
turkey poetry...
posted by Kafkaesque at 7:25 PM on November 30, 2001

pfft... trendy haiku therds....
posted by tj at 2:00 AM on December 2, 2001

You guys still here? I
thought Percy Bysshe Shelley
would clear the room fast!
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 2:35 AM on December 2, 2001

All perform their tragic play,
There struts Hamlet, there is Lear,
That's Ophelia, that Cordelia;
Yet they, should the last scene be there,
The great stage curtain about to drop,
If worthy their prominent part in the play,
Do not break up their lines to weep.
They know that Hamlet and Lear are gay;
Gaiety transfiguring all that dread.
All men have aimed at, found and lost;
Black out; Heaven blazing into the head:
Tragedy wrought to its uttermost.
Though Hamlet rambles and Lear rages,
And all the drop-scenes drop at once
Upon a hundred thousand stages,
It cannot grow by an inch or an ounce.
                                          — W.B.Y.
posted by mattpfeff at 8:37 AM on December 2, 2001

You know any Nipsey Russell, Matt? For my money, you can't beat a little Nipsey.
posted by Kafkaesque at 9:50 PM on December 3, 2001

nah, but I know some Bertie "Don't-Call-Me-'Bertrand' " Russell:

The raw fruits of the earth were made for human sustenance. Even the white tails of rabbits, according to some theologians, have a purpose, namely to make it easier for sportsmen to shoot them.

Beat that, Nipsey!
posted by mattpfeff at 8:03 AM on December 4, 2001

Yeats, Shelley ... no Keats?
Even Percy mourned his death.
Let me see: somewhere ...

O soft embalmer of the still midnight,
Shutting, with careful fingers and benign,
Our gloom-pleas'd eyes, embower'd from the light,
Enshaded in forgetfulness divine:
O soothest Sleep! if so it please thee, close
In midst of this thine hymn my willing eyes,
Or wait the "Amen," ere thy poppy throws
Around my bed its lulling charities.
Then save me, or the passed day will shine
Upon my pillow, breeding many woes
Save me from curious Conscience, that still lords
Its strength for darkness, burrowing like a mole;
Turn the key deftly in the oiled wards,
And seal the hushed Casket of my Soul.
posted by walrus at 4:41 AM on December 5, 2001

Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
What did I just step in?
Something smells like sh*t.
posted by msacheson at 11:15 AM on December 5, 2001

Something smells like shit.
Decaying onion? Maybe.
Or all those turkeys ...
posted by walrus at 1:48 PM on December 5, 2001

I just need to say, this is really bumming me out.
posted by mattpfeff at 8:32 PM on December 7, 2001

Is that for real? Is holgate gone?
posted by jpoulos at 9:16 PM on December 7, 2001

Well, he blew a gasket on the SDB brouhaha in MeTa and said 'Oh, fuck it. Never mind. I'm outta here', but has posted since then, so I dunno...
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 12:38 AM on December 8, 2001

He did not blow a gasket, stavros. Holgate is a scholar. He merely tut-tuts, if at all. My guess is he's working on something important and doesn't want to be interrupted. I'm all for democracy and everything, but certain writers should be taken at face value.

Besides, his "Thanks for all the fish" quote in his user profile is not ironic. It just shows that all you people who pretend to be familiar with Douglas Adams still don't get it. You might as well say Lewis Carroll was disappointed by logic, or the English language, and so "took the piss".

Samuel Johnson, holgate's predecessor, was staunchly unironic, as he was able to be subtle and clear at the same time. This is something only straight-shooting and wide-thinking writers can do. This sounds awful, I know, but you get my drift.

On a tangent - SDB has nothing to do with this - what I admire in him is how democratic and non-condescending he actually is, often correcting obviously less felicitous posters in the generous guide of a pedant("You, sir..."), thus allowing the more unfortunate fellow he chastises the kindness of ticking him off as a stuck-up Reform Club, obviously English, political and literary nitpicker.

One of his latest comments, to an Artcylopedia link I posted, shows he's in high spirits and great form.
He reminds me of the great A.E.Housman's learned, but very personal writings on his fellow textual critics. Only less avid and miserably vain.

Like jpoulos - and what's not to like about jpoulos, apart from his constant sending me to the corner? - I hope he returns soon; as he's sorely missed even when he's around.

Hey, I've embarrassed him before; no reason to stop now!
posted by MiguelCardoso at 1:23 AM on December 8, 2001

guide no. Guise yes.
posted by MiguelCardoso at 1:25 AM on December 8, 2001

Ah, Miguel, now we have to lobby mathowie to delete that artcyclopedia comment -- can't have you self-posting your own high praises in other threads, can we? (Though it was indeed a nice post; well done, old chap.)

Hmm. If his use of the "so long" phrase is unironic, was he a dolphin? Interesting. He must have ruined a few keyboards in his time (though I hear if you pour the water out and let them dry, you can reuse them) ....
posted by mattpfeff at 7:53 AM on December 8, 2001

Geez, Miguel. One time I sent you to the corner--and well-deserved it was, if I recall.
posted by jpoulos at 9:42 AM on December 8, 2001

'Oh, fuck it. Never mind. I'm outta here' is a little stronger than 'tut-tut', NovelBoy!

And that jpoulos bastard. Well. String him up, I say!

Feelin' feisty tonight!

*bobs around clumsily in psuedo-boxer mode, farts loudly, gives up*
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 3:39 AM on December 11, 2001

Stav's out in the blue! We've got him now -- jump him! ... Ha! Your pseudo-boxing is no defense! ... Wait! Did you fellows hear that? ... What's that smell? Gas! Watchout boys, he's armed! OK, Mr. Wonderchicken, you win round one. Fuck it. We're out of here!
posted by mattpfeff at 8:03 AM on December 11, 2001

. o O "Back off, you bastards! Pffbbbft!"
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 1:57 AM on December 12, 2001

Hey, guys! What's going on over here...

What the fuck is that smell?

posted by ColdChef at 1:34 PM on December 12, 2001

Smells like sage stuffing!
posted by Kafkaesque at 7:12 PM on December 12, 2001

Funny, most wise men I've met have been rather skinny.
posted by mattpfeff at 9:29 PM on December 12, 2001

::opens door and races across room, clad only in 400 stamps depicting Norbert Weiner::

skinny, my a**!

::begins to turn in circles, trying to verify skinnyness of posterior, then stops, sniffs the air and flees back out the door::
posted by skyscraper at 3:08 PM on December 13, 2001

Jeez. It still smells in here. We need one of these.
posted by ColdChef at 10:56 AM on December 14, 2001

US Government standards for unpleasant odors here. Can Mr Wonderchicken's effusions measure up to the dreaded OSS "Who Me?" device? Stay tuned.
posted by skyscraper at 4:05 PM on December 14, 2001

Oops. Who Me? recipe here.
posted by skyscraper at 4:10 PM on December 14, 2001

We'll never reach 11629.
posted by mattpfeff at 9:44 PM on December 17, 2001

You, mattpfeff, will never reach 11629 if you continue to spend all your time with this younger slip of a thread, in a flagrant betrayal of all that is proper and unhurtful.
If you persist in this infidelity - who's "We'll", harrumph? - I'll have that "Acesso Proibido" window strapped onto your every key-movement before you can say Jack Daniel's.
posted by MiguelCardoso at 5:16 AM on December 18, 2001

in a flagrant betrayal of all that is proper and unhurtful

Miguel, Miguel, Miguel,
Readst thou not thy email?
For I told thee long ago,
My poor poor Mac had brought me low.
It can but read great Sacred Thread,
And post there not.
                  And though ColdChef plead
For divine deliverance,
It hasn't come, has it? Hah! Fat chance!
So, alas, I am shut out, you see.
(And just when I'd found the cutest monkey!)
And now I say, do not protest;
And blame not me, but Kafkaesque!
posted by mattpfeff at 8:39 AM on December 18, 2001

Download Opera, Matt. It's your only hope. We barely made a thousand without you. And it was a sad, hardly funny thousand at that.
posted by ColdChef at 9:31 AM on December 18, 2001

Since no one comes around here anymore, I can go back to telling my secrets here.

I'm asking my girlfriend to marry me tomorrow.

Shhhhh. Don't tell her...
posted by ColdChef at 2:11 PM on December 20, 2001 [2 favorites]

Dude! Serious? Wow. And for the holidays, too. Good luck, man.

P.S. Been thinking about that Opera thing, can't decide if it's that I'm too lazy to download the thing, just in order to post in 9622, or if I'm not lazy enough. Anyway, so far it's been fun just lurkin'....
posted by mattpfeff at 3:00 PM on December 20, 2001

Serious. Gotta bad case of sweaty palms, too. Thanks for the encouragement.
posted by ColdChef at 4:13 PM on December 20, 2001


We want a vivid description of the happy (of course) outcome. Your secrets are safe with us.

As for the sweaty palms - people pay good money for less of an adrenaline rush than you'll get tomorrow. Think of it as an extreme sport.
posted by skyscraper at 4:48 PM on December 20, 2001

Do it in style, ColdChef. She deserves it. I actually got down on my knees. Keep those sweaty palms sweating - that's the most moving and convincing, non-fakeable part. Act as if you're afraid she'll refuse you.

Aw, now you've gone and made me all tearful with the joy of it.

Hey mattpfeff: I apologize. I now realize, in your own brave way, you were taking over this thread for La Résistence! Bravo!
posted by MiguelCardoso at 8:37 PM on December 20, 2001

Godspeed, ColdChef!

Good luck to you! Best question I ever asked!
posted by Kafkaesque at 12:45 PM on December 21, 2001

Well, I've avoided this thread lately, but now I might just hafta come back to see wha' hoppens.

ColdChef, you go. Good luck, mate.

If she knocks ya back, don't forget, there's always booze....
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 1:35 AM on December 23, 2001

Shit I thought I was on 9622 for a minute there! This is getting confusing.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 1:37 AM on December 23, 2001

So, what's the good word?

Coldchef? Is it champagne or rotgut, buddy?
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 1:25 AM on December 27, 2001

Come on, man!

Join the ranks of us married slobs!

joooooiiin uuuusss!

Unless, of course, she said no...uhh.

Never mind.
posted by Kafkaesque at 10:14 PM on December 27, 2001

Sorry it took so long to get back to you guys. It's been a wild week.

First, thanks for all the encouragement. I was nervous as hell, but I remembered what Miguel said and asked her as if I thought she'd say no.

Her response when she saw the ring?

"You asshole."

Yes, that's one to tell the grandkids. She was blindsided by the proposal and it took her a few minutes to compose herself. I asked her in front of the clocktower at LSU in Baton Rouge, LA where we met.

It was a beautiful scene. No one else was around. There was a thirty foot Christmas tree. I commented that it was a shame that the tree had no gifts under it. "Oh, here's something." I said.

She said yes after a few heart-stopping moments. Then, we went to a bar right off campus (the bar where we had our first drunken kiss) where my brother (and best man) was holding a table for us.

It's been quite a Christmas.
posted by ColdChef at 10:53 PM on December 27, 2001 [3 favorites]

Congrats, cap'n. You can hand in your testicles at the desk.

No, but seriously... (I'll be here 'til Thursday - you've been a great crowd!) I'm happy for you.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 3:23 AM on December 29, 2001 [1 favorite]

Dying for a drink, Mighty Balls? Well, here's a real crowd-pleaser, then: an Emily Dickinson poem.
posted by MiguelCardoso at 3:06 PM on December 29, 2001

Miguel, what are you doing on wemadeoutinatreeandthisoldguysatandwatchedus.com?

I am genuinely curious.

And mad funky props, my poultry brother.
posted by Kafkaesque at 11:44 PM on December 29, 2001

Kafkaesque, I'm tempted to tell a lemur-ridden story about a 19-year old toilet seat here but the boring truth is that I was sent there by good old Bifurcated Rivets.

May I wish us all a terrific 2002 - our first palindrome since 1991? Now that was a good year for all of us, I'm quite sure! This one will be the married version, all pulls unplugged, all bars unheld and naps too!
posted by MiguelCardoso at 3:34 AM on December 30, 2001

When I was twenty-fii-iive, it was a ve-ry good year...

36 may well be a good year too, if completely different in most ways, for this reprobate, at least.

Happy palindrome to you too, my friends.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 5:35 AM on December 30, 2001

Note to self: it was Chef who got engaged, not le poulet de wonder.

again: "Mad funky props to you, culinary brother."
posted by Kafkaesque at 12:03 AM on December 31, 2001

What about 9622? Will no-one save it?
posted by Kafkaesque at 12:04 AM on December 31, 2001

Congrats, Chef!
posted by mattpfeff at 1:05 PM on December 31, 2001

Good move, ColdChef! The best to your bride as well!
posted by MiguelCardoso at 2:21 PM on December 31, 2001

Congratulations, Chef. You done good.
posted by jpoulos at 8:28 AM on January 2, 2002

ColdChef on one knee
he proposes nervously
response: "You asshole."
posted by Kafkaesque at 9:21 AM on January 2, 2002

Congratulations, ColdChef!

I would have loved to see the look on your face right after her first response.
posted by skyscraper at 1:11 PM on January 2, 2002

Thanks for all the well wishes, but it appears this sappy crapola has almost killed this thread. Gimme haiku poems and limericks--stat!

We're losing her, Doctor...
posted by ColdChef at 11:29 AM on January 4, 2002

I'll give you a topic: Portrait Tattoos and why you should fear them.

posted by ColdChef at 11:36 AM on January 4, 2002

tattoo of Tattoo standing
lost on Tatooine:
Herve Villachaise
posted by Kafkaesque at 1:00 PM on January 5, 2002

well you get the idea

damn line breaks.
posted by Kafkaesque at 1:01 PM on January 5, 2002

A secret bounced 'round in my head
The girl I love--I wanted to wed
So, with heart full of fear
I spilled the beans here
But somehow it killed off the thread...
posted by ColdChef at 9:45 AM on January 7, 2002

ColdChef, we're all just excited
at the prospect of you being united
with your ideal wife
but I think we are rife
With fear that we won't be invited!
posted by Kafkaesque at 11:17 AM on January 7, 2002

Though I looked forward to saying, "I do."
It's all over now--yes, we're through!
We split up last night
After a terrible fight
"Our colors will NOT be yellow and blue!"
posted by ColdChef at 11:50 AM on January 7, 2002

Oh crap, Chef, I hope you are kidding
Back toward single life you are skidding?
remember one fight
doesn't put out the light
You may still find yourself doing her bidding.
posted by Kafkaesque at 12:30 PM on January 7, 2002

*washes his hands of the whole dang thing.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 1:50 AM on January 8, 2002

Jeez, you folks get around. No wonder it's so damned quiet in the 9622 'hood.
posted by eyeballkid at 9:29 AM on January 8, 2002

Well, things have worked out real well
The thoughts of a breakup are quelled
Though she don't understand
She's met my demands--
An ice sculpture shaped like Miguel
posted by ColdChef at 1:39 PM on January 9, 2002

While limericks may fill the hole
I fear they've become less than droll
Why don't me and you
Go back to Haiku
I've heard that it's good for the soul.
posted by Kafkaesque at 2:03 PM on January 10, 2002

Reflections dizzy
the eye of the beholder –
Miguel ice sculpture
posted by Kafkaesque at 2:06 PM on January 10, 2002

Thread quickly dying
Eyeballkid is so lonely
No one's here but us
posted by ColdChef at 3:59 PM on January 10, 2002

Kafkaesque Mini-Me
Beats very dead horse
posted by y2karl at 4:09 PM on January 10, 2002

(watch them syllables:6, 6, 5)
Horse beating is fun
Besides, I aspire to be
posted by ColdChef at 4:27 PM on January 10, 2002

Dazzled and stinking,
turkeys recoil from sound of
horses being flogged.
posted by walrus at 5:19 PM on January 10, 2002

Dazzled and stinking,
I recoil from sound of We
went back to drinking.

posted by y2karl at 5:37 PM on January 10, 2002

Finger lickin’ good
In the ‘wonderchicken ‘hood
If I only could

Protect this lil’ pup
For the day when he grows up
And bites Stav's big butt

posted by y2karl at 7:43 PM on January 10, 2002


so cold
posted by Kafkaesque at 10:06 PM on January 10, 2002

Papa gone mad,
Mama, she’s feeling sad.
Well, I’m gonna baptize you in fire
So you can sin no more
I’m gonna establish my rule
Through civil war
Gonna make you see
Just how loyal and true a man can be

Bob Dylan
Bye And Bye

posted by y2karl at 10:23 PM on January 10, 2002

Mr. Zimmerman
Severs turkey neck with disk
Fresh blood on the tracks
posted by skyscraper at 4:35 PM on January 11, 2002

An ice sculpture shaped like Miguel

(sort of)
posted by jpoulos at 5:00 PM on January 11, 2002

Singing past graveyard
In voice apocalyptic
Trumps nihilist chic

Outta my way jpoulos sucka!
posted by y2karl at 5:05 PM on January 11, 2002

Trump's nihilistic chick? I thought he went for existentialists.
posted by skyscraper at 4:33 PM on January 14, 2002

*waiting for that to melt*

Surely there were other, more humane ways of keeping me away...
posted by MiguelCardoso at 5:21 PM on January 14, 2002

A labor of love, Miguel. You must know that.
posted by jpoulos at 7:46 PM on January 14, 2002

Somebody told me
All weirdos love company
In insanity

One one six two nine,
Perhaps. is the bottom line
Of that paradigm
posted by y2karl at 9:54 PM on January 14, 2002

Love me for my mind
And not my body, although
I've been working out
posted by ColdChef at 10:17 PM on January 14, 2002

Posting loser links
Is something that really stinks
You are him, me thinks?
posted by y2karl at 11:25 PM on January 14, 2002

Omigod. I just found this thread again. I feel like I caught you all in the girls' bathroom, smoking.

I missed the whole marriage proposal thing too. Um, congrats ColdChef!!
posted by jennak at 4:03 PM on January 17, 2002

Oh my god she's right!

I guess the lack of urinals should reallly have tipped us off guys.
posted by Kafkaesque at 2:48 PM on January 21, 2002

So that's where all the smoke was coming from....
posted by mattpfeff at 3:53 PM on January 21, 2002

Yes, so....*twiddles thumbs* How's it going guys?
posted by jennak at 5:30 AM on January 22, 2002

boys caught in mid puff
urinal-less walls silent
virtual "pee fright"
posted by ColdChef at 7:01 AM on January 22, 2002

Yes, so....*twiddles thumbs* How's it going guys?

Sounds like someone wants to bum a cig but is afraid to ask.... Trade you, for a haiku? Kafka's got the light.
posted by mattpfeff at 7:37 AM on January 22, 2002

(Stavros doesn't hold.)
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 7:38 AM on January 22, 2002

Dudes (and dudette). Check this out -- this is what the web is all about. TrickyyKidd's Bad Poetry Hell. Holy shit. This Was Gonna Be A Poem is an instant classic (the kicker's a killer). Heck, who am I kidding, the whole thing's classic! (NB: It's got embedded sound files in the whole thing, so make sure you have your speakers on (but not too loud if you're at work (or if you're secretly logging onto your hubby's MeFi account)).)

I just had to share this....
posted by mattpfeff at 8:36 PM on January 22, 2002

*emerges out of toilet*

That poem is grrrrrrrreat!
posted by D at 9:03 AM on January 28, 2002

Rising from toilet
And dripping with excrement:
Tony The Tiger.
posted by Kafkaesque at 3:39 PM on January 28, 2002

Tony got caught out,
hiding his stash of frosted
sugar in the tank ...
posted by walrus at 4:45 AM on January 29, 2002

Toilet Tiger waits -
(If I stay for sweet haikus,
Will they take my Flakes?)
posted by D at 10:12 AM on January 29, 2002

Tiger, Tiger, burning bright
In the toilet late at night,
What immortal MeFi lush
Could your crispy sweet flakes flush?
posted by Kafkaesque at 12:00 PM on January 29, 2002

There once was a cereal eatin' freak
From the far-off land of Battle Creek
He said with a swagger,
"I'm Tony the Tagger!*
And somethin' in this crapper sure reeks!"
*(this works if you say it in a Southern accent)
posted by ColdChef at 12:51 PM on January 29, 2002

Way to go, guys. Now you've scared off jennak for sure.
posted by jpoulos at 8:13 PM on January 29, 2002

*sinks back into toilet*
posted by D at 8:46 PM on January 29, 2002

What a world what a world what a world
posted by Kafkaesque at 10:26 PM on January 29, 2002

i think that i was invited here by cold chef. si possible?

i feel honored, a personal invitation to the legendary 11629?
posted by goneill at 2:14 PM on January 30, 2002

Wow, welcome goneill!
posted by MiguelCardoso at 2:36 PM on January 30, 2002

hey miguel, i'm over here... * waves *

what's going on - i was in new york, but you hung up on me!
posted by goneill at 2:53 PM on January 30, 2002

another girl? Dang, maybe we really are in the women's lav.... (That would explain the poupourri and flowered wallpaper, though....)

Good thing, though; you wouldn't want to pull a Tyrone Slothrop in a men's toilet....
posted by mattpfeff at 3:42 PM on January 30, 2002

ummm mattpfeff... did you check out my profile,
* smiles and turns knowing eye to mattpfeff *

can someone please stop me from doing the asterix thing?, please!!! please pretty please...
posted by goneill at 5:04 PM on January 30, 2002

*grabs goneill by the shoulders* Snap out of it! Wake up! It's just some sort of terrible... *looks at own posts* Asterix! Cacaphonix! Hope me!
posted by j.edwards at 5:27 PM on January 30, 2002

Call Getafix quick!

Pfeff! Stop reminding me that I can't finish that bloody book.
posted by Kafkaesque at 9:25 PM on January 30, 2002

. o Now where did I put that recipe for the antigravity potion?
posted by mattpfeff at 10:12 PM on January 30, 2002

"These MeFites are crazy."
posted by mattpfeff at 10:16 PM on January 30, 2002

the dilio here is haikus,
and i feel i must pay my dues,
but i can't for the life of me determine
what my fourth grade teacher, the vermine,
taught me about rhyming and wordin'
posted by goneill at 9:15 AM on January 31, 2002

i need some advice.
direct your attention here:
yes/no/ maybe so?
it regards that cosmic vice
that produces pleasure and pain,
stability and lame[ness]
posted by goneill at 9:21 AM on January 31, 2002

Call him an "asshole." I hear that's very romantic in some cultures.
posted by ColdChef at 11:59 AM on January 31, 2002

When the time comes to tie that old knot
You will feel it as if you'd been shot
But to compose such an ode
In internet code
Seems the work of a drunken old sot.
posted by Kafkaesque at 12:23 PM on January 31, 2002

Of course, I meant "drunken old sot" in the best way possible, you understand.
posted by Kafkaesque at 3:39 PM on February 1, 2002

I'll just close up here then, shall I?
posted by Kafkaesque at 11:33 AM on February 4, 2002

Yeah, could you turn off the lights when you go?
posted by walrus at 12:54 PM on February 4, 2002

kafkaesque - nobody takes kindly to being called a drunken old sot... not that you called me a drunken old sot, but when you slag one person off like that you could slag anyone off. yes, walrus, even you. but anyway - this all reminds me of something my mother used to say:

if you don't have anything nice to say,
don't say anything at all.

don't you just love a know-it-all lisa simpson wanna be?
posted by goneill at 7:45 PM on February 4, 2002

Damnit, you mean I could have been slagged off and I missed it?
posted by walrus at 1:27 AM on February 5, 2002


I was just kidding, in the interest of rhyme making. And I happen to know that Walrus enjoys a little slagging every now and then.

So there.

Let's all just go and look at some kitties over some chamomile tea.
posted by Kafkaesque at 9:18 AM on February 5, 2002

in the interest of rhyme making

Ah, yes, the infernal rhyme-making interest. It has led many a good man to their unseemly demise. Especially dangerous when mixed with alcohol, I hear.

Not that I'm saying Kafkaesque is, say, a drunken old sot, mind you. Nor a good man, for that matter....

(heh heh)
posted by mattpfeff at 10:15 AM on February 5, 2002

There are many good reasons for drinking,
and one has just entered my head:
if a person can't drink while they're living,
how the fuck can they drink when they're dead?
posted by walrus at 10:53 AM on February 5, 2002

Walrus - what a pity you spoilt your poem with a coarse word, better kept for rugby players and convicts.:(
I've noticed it before, this use of four-letter words and sexual innuenda, and it's about time it stopped. It needlessly offends people and heaven knows how a child might react if by chance she logged on and traipsed across one of the fucking things.

No but your poem reminded me of a Jewish joke. A shnorrer convinces an uncle to give him some money, saying he hasn't eaten in days.

Half an hour later the uncle spots him eating salmon mayonnaise in a swanky restaurant and confronts him angrily. The shnorrer listens patiently, puts down his knife and fork, despairs and says:

"Let me get this straight. I can't eat salmon mayonnaise when I don't have any money. And I can't eat salmon mayonnaise when i do. So when the hell am I supposed to eat salmon mayonnaise?"
posted by MiguelCardoso at 12:23 PM on February 5, 2002

whew! Got to love those shnorrer jokes.

*praying manti*
posted by Kafkaesque at 1:15 PM on February 5, 2002

Miguel, it's not my poem, but I don't think I ruined it: the original had "man" for "people" (and knowing my girlfriend as I do, that would just be wrong) and "hell", which is obviously some medieval, masochistic concept which I can't get to grips with at all, for "fuck", which I can.

Anyway, words are all in the mind. But salmon I can live with ;0)
posted by walrus at 1:36 PM on February 5, 2002

posted by walrus at 1:37 PM on February 5, 2002

Walrus - sorry, it was a feeble joke. ;) An extension of Mr K's Let's all just go and look at some kitties over some chamomile tea. Celebrating the new puritanism and all that...

As for the poem itself, it's definitely an improvement on the version familiar in expats' pubs here in Portugal.
posted by MiguelCardoso at 4:56 PM on February 5, 2002

yes, mr. k...

i'd like to say, for the record that i will never, ever be offended by anything you say. when i wrote "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all" and "don't be so mean" i was sort of hitting you back. mlang is indeed a drunken old sot. but he isn't as much of a drunken old sot as i am. and also it rhymed and was funny, but then you were closing up the shop, and i had to say something funny because i felt that i had neglected your funny poem. so i wrote that ( OBVIOUSLY I might add) over the top scolding...

but - if you tell me that you were kidding all along then i will really scream. because that is too meta even for here.
posted by goneill at 6:03 PM on February 5, 2002

I vote for goneill as "MetaFilter Employee of the Month."

Miguel, hand her the sash and crown.


Now, Mister!
posted by ColdChef at 7:22 PM on February 5, 2002

miguel, i'm waiting

*puts hands on hips and taps foot...*
posted by goneill at 7:45 PM on February 5, 2002

Three letters : IRC.
One word : Not.

(I'm in a grumpy mood today. Sue me.)
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 7:54 PM on February 5, 2002

I vote for goneill as "MetaFilter Employee of the Month."

BZZZZZT! Sorry, that buffyfilter thread takes her out of the running. Try again next month. :-)

And chef, what would the fiancee think of your flirting?
posted by jpoulos at 8:55 PM on February 5, 2002

*sues Stavros*
posted by mattpfeff at 8:56 PM on February 5, 2002

*surreptiously hands sash to jpoulos and scarpers*
posted by MiguelCardoso at 12:04 AM on February 6, 2002

and what would MY fiance think of your flirting? (not that i've gotten a ring or anything...)

jpoulos: I think that it was the buffyfilter that put me in the running in the first place, you are simply misguided, and stavros is way out to get me.
prove me wrong, stavros, prove me wrong.

he says he's the wonder chickin,
i say that he's a flippin'
bird with a beak-like 'tude
who seems to be in the mood
for a big fat fight with those who would
make 11629 a chat room.

but stavros you wonder chickin,
you don't really need to be pickin'
a fight;
cause you're right.
it's poems tonight*
and stars***
posted by goneill at 8:52 AM on February 6, 2002

posted by walrus at 9:37 AM on February 6, 2002

Hey! Speaking of "cock" related violence...
posted by ColdChef at 11:51 AM on February 6, 2002

posted by mlang at 1:00 PM on February 6, 2002

And chef, what would the fiancee think of your flirting?

Don't be silly! My betrothed isn't jealous of MetaFilter as individuals*. She hates you all as a collective. I'm sure many a lonely MeFi Widow/Widower would agree.

*okay, she's jealous of Miguel, but that's it...
posted by ColdChef at 1:05 PM on February 6, 2002

i thought i was mefi poster of the month, but now i am left asking the following question:

who isn't jealous of miguel?
posted by goneill at 1:39 PM on February 6, 2002

We'll never reach four hun...oh. Nevermind.
posted by ColdChef at 3:55 PM on February 6, 2002

Oh you silly kids.

*hugs 11629.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 6:32 PM on February 6, 2002

stavros, i knew i could win you over,
* hugs back, and looks very deeply over your shoulder at ColdChef, but in such a way that mlang doesn't see *
posted by goneill at 7:15 PM on February 6, 2002

See? It is IRC, silly chicken.
posted by Kafkaesque at 11:11 PM on February 6, 2002

Important questions
should never precede breakfast:
IRC on toast?
posted by walrus at 5:09 AM on February 7, 2002

When preparing eats
can't beat a kipper breakfast
Simply delightful.

If you must add chat
remember to rinse out your
stinky kipper breath.
posted by Kafkaesque at 8:54 AM on February 7, 2002

Morning fish scares me
So, let us now praise bacon
Yummy breakfast meat
posted by ColdChef at 11:48 AM on February 7, 2002

no meat for me
it makes me ill
i'd rather swallow
a protein pill!
posted by goneill at 2:52 PM on February 7, 2002

Protein pills are not
considered proper pacman
pills: we want power!
posted by walrus at 3:15 PM on February 7, 2002

Ghosts dance on darkness
to fall on yellow eater:
The Death of Pacman
posted by Kafkaesque at 4:32 PM on February 7, 2002

Purple ghost coming:
dodge around corner and: Blue!
posted by walrus at 4:37 PM on February 7, 2002

Pac-Man Fever
I gotta pocket full of quarters,
And I'm headed to the arcade.
I don't have a lot of money
But I'm bringing everything I've made.
I've gotta callus on my finger,
And my shoulder's hurtin' too.
I'm gonna eat 'em all up,
Just as soon as they turn blue.

'Cause I've got Pac-Man Fever
Pac-Man Fever
It's driving me crazy
driving me crazy
I've got Pac-Man Fever
Pac-Man Fever
I'm going out of my mind
going out of my mind
I've got Pac-Man Fever
Pac-Man Fever
I'm going out of my mind
going out of my mind.

I've got all the patterns down,
Up until the ninth key.
I've got Speedy on my tail,
And I know it's either him or me.
So I'm heading out the back door,
And in the other side.
Gonna eat the cherries up,
And take 'em all for a ride.


I'm gonna fake it to the left,
And move to the right,
'Cause Pokey's too slow,
And Blinky's out of sight.

Now I've got 'em on the run,
And I'm looking for the high score.
So it's once around the block,
And I'll slide back out the side door.
I'm really cookin' now,
Eating everything in sight.
All my money's gone,
So I'll be back tommorow night.


--Bucker & Garcia

posted by ColdChef at 4:50 PM on February 7, 2002

In blank monitor,
ghosts of dots and dits remain:
pacman forever!
posted by walrus at 5:21 PM on February 7, 2002

Teary confession: Chef. I have that 45.
posted by Kafkaesque at 5:48 PM on February 7, 2002

All else fades to void
In the shining cathode light
Behold: Pac-Haiku!
posted by Kafkaesque at 5:50 PM on February 7, 2002

Her eyes follow me
Azure spirit of regret
Sue, you'll be my death.
posted by ColdChef at 7:15 PM on February 7, 2002

Pac Man sees ghosts, sobs
Quietly: gotta get off
These fucking pills, man!

posted by D at 9:50 PM on February 7, 2002

Rnaka Rnaka Rnak
Yumdum deedleum dum dum
Shit! hwoop woop woop woop
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 1:10 AM on February 8, 2002

From the arcade depths
Strangest idea ever:
Pacman pinball game
posted by Kafkaesque at 10:22 AM on February 8, 2002

BabyPac was a big part of the cartoon series, if I remember correctly.

posted by jpoulos at 11:29 AM on February 8, 2002

push button and watch
them pack, eat ghosts and then attack
packman. MS. Packman
posted by goneill at 2:01 PM on February 8, 2002

Pacman machine weeps
For I have abandoned it
To play Jungle King
posted by Kafkaesque at 2:20 PM on February 8, 2002

oh sweet atari
we left you for our friend the
new nintendo
posted by goneill at 3:07 PM on February 8, 2002

long nights with a Pong
long days as well; no sleep, just
dreams of ricochet
posted by j.edwards at 4:03 PM on February 8, 2002

And in the twilight
Lo! We played breakout, combat
Even Yar's Revenge

We forsook humans
For strange spaceman-suited blips:
Atari football

Massive hype described
The craziness that was named
Adventure cartridge

"bridge thru the top wall"
They said. "Grab the dot and run
To the secret screen."

Dragons fell beneath
Our mighty low-res sabres
Sweet victory!

Even arch Lex Luthor
Was nothing to us, as we
played at Superman

We whispered softly
of wild technology:
Pitfall Harry lives!

We were as gods then
Running through graphical fields
To scream our new names.

But then the dream died
We were left out in the cold...
holding our joysticks
posted by Kafkaesque at 4:21 PM on February 8, 2002

*wipes tear from eye*
posted by ColdChef at 4:50 PM on February 8, 2002

posted by goneill at 8:47 PM on February 8, 2002

Were dreams electric?
Those worlds we created, then
conquered (seemed too real)
posted by walrus at 3:55 AM on February 9, 2002

ps K that was beautiful - were you using that chili peppers song as inspiration?
posted by walrus at 4:00 AM on February 9, 2002

Chili peppers song? Nah. I just dashed it off in a fit of pique. I was, however, listening to a Pogues bootleg...maybe that was it??
posted by Kafkaesque at 1:02 PM on February 9, 2002

Walrus remembers
Possessed computer movie:
Andrew McCarthy?
posted by Kafkaesque at 10:05 PM on February 9, 2002

The song I was thinking of was "Deep Kick", and no: you've got me there.
posted by walrus at 6:20 AM on February 11, 2002


And I guess it wasn't Andrew McCarthy.
posted by Kafkaesque at 10:00 AM on February 11, 2002

Ah, Electric Dreams
PC comes between couple
Story of my life

Pssst! Also notable because the voice of Edgar is played by none other than "Harold and Maude"'s Bud Cort. (who also played "Willi Hitler" in Son of Hitler.)
posted by ColdChef at 11:19 AM on February 11, 2002

Don't know if you saw Cort in Pollock, but man did he look creepy.
posted by Kafkaesque at 11:46 AM on February 11, 2002

bud court AKA
bud cox was my dad's best man.
i am not lying
posted by goneill at 12:27 PM on February 11, 2002

Harold and Maude Bud Cort?
Now you're my hero.
Er, your dad is.
posted by dong_resin at 12:54 PM on February 11, 2002

Yeah? Well, when I was a kid Ruth Gordon built me a treehouse.
posted by Kafkaesque at 1:30 PM on February 11, 2002

And she was a hellcat in the sack. But you already know that...

(BTW...Mr. Cort serving as the Best Man? I'm gonna need some documentation, if you don't mind--not that I'm calling you a liar, or anything, but...)
posted by ColdChef at 1:41 PM on February 11, 2002

then again, why would you make something like that up?

...no...I think I still need proof.
posted by ColdChef at 1:44 PM on February 11, 2002

Look for the Bud prints in the jell-o.
posted by Kafkaesque at 2:21 PM on February 11, 2002

he brought a chicken that destroyed the china on the table. he was my dad's best friend growing up in rye new york, where he was on the bowling team, the glee club, and had not lead parts... in school plays with my dad...

check the cox part too...
posted by goneill at 2:34 PM on February 11, 2002

when i say things, how come nobody talks back. is there something wrong with me? am i out of line here? what's going on?
posted by goneill at 6:34 AM on February 12, 2002

I Think It May Have Something To Do With You Not Capitalizing The First Letter Of Your Sentences, Which Is A Little Aggravating.
posted by Kafkaesque at 8:44 AM on February 12, 2002

when i say things, how come nobody talks back. is there something wrong with me? am i out of line here? what's going on?

It's not personal
We just need time to absorb
Bud and the Chicken
posted by ColdChef at 10:13 AM on February 12, 2002

Sorry Kafkaesque
I didn't mean to offend
posted by goneill at 10:51 AM on February 12, 2002

My father loves chickens
Bud brought a rooster to the
Wedding, in Ireland
posted by goneill at 10:52 AM on February 12, 2002

so far thus I have
resisted any urges
to attempt haikus

because I don't really understand the 5-7-5 syllabic structure
and typing this
makes me feel
oddly constipated

and antsy.
posted by dong_resin at 2:01 PM on February 12, 2002

Change to folk songs:

The tune don't have to be clever
And it don't matter if you put a couple of extra syllables into a line
It sounds more ethnic if it ain't good english
And it don't even gotta rhyme...excuse me: rhyNe.

[possibly misquoted from Tom Lehrer]
posted by Kafkaesque at 2:13 PM on February 12, 2002

But, it's gotta have caps
Kafks'll be angry if it don't .
posted by goneill at 4:30 PM on February 12, 2002

Just like that goddam e.e. cummings.


Seriously, G, it's hard to read a post with no caps or punctuation. If someone is writing a haiku it's kind of poetic license. Or peyotic license, which can be more fun.
posted by Kafkaesque at 5:00 PM on February 12, 2002

K's grammar lessons
Things we should have learned as kids
Next class: adjectives
posted by ColdChef at 6:29 PM on February 12, 2002

hey! i write without
capital letters a lot
never hurt me none
posted by jpoulos at 7:01 PM on February 12, 2002

Your future, jp:
Capitals you never used will
Show up, very mad.

"You left us, foul fiend!"
They will scream at you. No-one
Will heed your hot tears.

You will have your day in court
As a lower case.

Be tried for your sins
By the vengeful majuscules:
Capital offense!
posted by Kafkaesque at 7:25 PM on February 12, 2002

I meant of course, "Capitals you ne'er used will".

Damn counting.
posted by Kafkaesque at 9:18 PM on February 12, 2002

Every Friday of my Childhood:

Blanket on the floor
Plate full of french fries and fish
Time for the Duke boys
posted by ColdChef at 7:25 PM on February 13, 2002

Lawman and outlaw
Always one step behind them
Rosco P. Coltrane
posted by ColdChef at 7:53 PM on February 13, 2002

Speaking of the Dukes,
good ol' Waylon has passed on.
"Just two good ole boys..."
posted by jpoulos at 8:34 PM on February 13, 2002

Cooter's Lament

Daisy was a flirt
Though she paid no notice I
Had Enos envy
posted by ColdChef at 7:01 AM on February 14, 2002

Daisy Duke was just
One paycheck from lap dances
in Tijuana bar.
posted by Kafkaesque at 9:15 AM on February 14, 2002

The star? Jumping car
Make no mistake about it
The Dukes were filler
posted by ColdChef at 9:16 AM on February 14, 2002

Overalls worn out
Ride your moonshine to freedom
Sweet Uncle Jesse!
posted by Kafkaesque at 9:28 AM on February 14, 2002

Three-piece suit hanging
useless in Boss Hogg's closet
The phone never rings.
posted by Kafkaesque at 9:29 AM on February 14, 2002

A fine mechanic
Got rich repairing cop cars
Come by Cooter's Place
posted by ColdChef at 9:54 AM on February 14, 2002

Them Duke boys can jump anything in that car of theirs. Even sharks:

132, 10/12/84 - "Robot P. Coltrane"

Rosco loses his job to a look-alike robot, which is then stolen by
thieves planning to frame the ex-sheriff and the Dukes for the robbery
of Boss Hogg's bank.

posted by ColdChef at 10:52 AM on February 14, 2002

Jumping cars are cool!
What were you watching, ColdChef?
Simon & Simon?
posted by jpoulos at 11:49 AM on February 14, 2002

ColdChef probably
Was more of a Riptide guy
But I could be wrong.
posted by Kafkaesque at 12:08 PM on February 14, 2002

Both guesses are wrong
"The A Team" and Nick at Night
Captured my eyeballs
posted by ColdChef at 12:21 PM on February 14, 2002

oh sweet Sledge Hammer!
two seasons of Sledge and Doreau,
and a Bud Cort camio!

I have to plead poetic license on the whole 575 thing, because it rhymes...
posted by goneill at 12:54 PM on February 14, 2002


Penalty box, goneill!
Three days till you can post here again. Hakiu does not allow for "license".
Otherwise, it's playing tennis without a net.
(BTW, it was only recently that I discovered that goneill was a contraction for your name. I thought it was some kind of homeboy thing us old folks just didn't understand. "Le' me 'lone. I'm gone ill, bro'.")
posted by ColdChef at 1:05 PM on February 14, 2002

Just kidding about the ban. I could never do that to my Valentine.
posted by ColdChef at 1:18 PM on February 14, 2002

1. Well, there's a bit of a double entendre, I always snicker upon starting a new job and seeing that my email is goneill
2. How old are you?
3. You know it's homegirl, right? (I'm not evanizer...)

posted by goneill at 2:23 PM on February 14, 2002

Get a room. Here's a nice one. Older thread, the owners long since moved out. Yours for a song.
posted by Kafkaesque at 3:48 PM on February 14, 2002

Wow, that's a pristine thread there K. Looks like very little wear and tear. Did an old lady only use it to drive back and forth to church?
posted by eyeballkid at 4:18 PM on February 14, 2002

I heard a man died there...
posted by jpoulos at 4:28 PM on February 14, 2002

Yes, jp.

It was laaate at night. An old bum was camped out in thread #147, keeping himself warm by breaking the tails off the y's and feeding them, one by one, into his makeshift fire.

Some say he died, alone and forgotten.

Some say he's still there to this day, and if you post a comment there, he'll come and steal your y's and burn them in his grisly altar.


One thing's for sure, ain't no-one ever spent a night in that thread. And I wouldn't either. Not for love nor money.
posted by Kafkaesque at 4:43 PM on February 14, 2002

Well the link still works, the poster is user No.33 and he's a 100-linker. Hasn't posted since the year 2000, though. Probably pissed off nobody commented - it's quite an interesting article. Tdecius - come back before your thread is turned into yet another bordello!
posted by MiguelCardoso at 4:44 PM on February 14, 2002

and he's a 100-linker
aha, miguel: proof that there is status attributed to FPP(sic)! PLEASE don't tell bunnyfire...
posted by goneill at 4:55 PM on February 14, 2002

Done, goneill - if you won't tell the PC police about these rude little recordings, just stolen from ykw. My favourite is "My colleague just farted and left the room, the bastard". ;)
posted by MiguelCardoso at 6:08 PM on February 14, 2002

Great stuff, Mr. Cardoso. I saw it long ago--"Mah colleeg jez vahted..." has become a catchphrase of mine.

Along the lines of "I wanna dip my BALLS in it!"
posted by jpoulos at 9:08 PM on February 14, 2002

Smokers of the World Unite

My lungs and my choice
Gooey chest full of ashes
Alive with pleasure

Visible breathing
Alone outside in the morn
Coffee and my cig

Dry, raw, flaky skin
Sores in corners of my mouth
But I look cool, right?
posted by ColdChef at 9:39 AM on February 15, 2002

Dry mouth, chalky spit
Deep breaths cause whist'ling noises
Everyone smokes here

Four in the morning
Do you talk to the nutjobs
Or smoke another?

Visiting her folks
Polite conversation stops
Puffing fills the void
posted by ColdChef at 12:00 PM on February 15, 2002

not a smoker, me
yet am much irritated
by all those who whine

you're dying anyway
life is too long to be bored
smoke up, smoke away
posted by dong_resin at 12:41 PM on February 15, 2002

my clever haiku
may not be totally clear
I side with smokers
posted by dong_resin at 2:17 PM on February 15, 2002

Loud and clear, Sir Dong
Smoking's the ugliest vice
You can still enjoy
posted by ColdChef at 2:22 PM on February 15, 2002

I fear I have it, because
my chest hurts; I cough

I thought it was croup
but I'm told I am too old.
a childhood disease.

I do not smoke cigs,
but my bronchial tubes hurt
B.F.'s god is mean.
posted by goneill at 2:32 PM on February 15, 2002

I don't understand
Why must you be so unkind
to Ben Franklin's god?

Myself, it is true,
I smoked just Lucky Strike straights
for about twelve years

Now I fool myself
I'm strong-willed, because I switched
to healthful filters

And only puff on 'em
On the weekends, along with
eight or ten Guinness

But it must be said
I'm down from 2 packs a day
to one pack a week.

I miss the pure smoke
of my Gitanes and Gauloises
tasty French ciggies.
posted by Kafkaesque at 3:25 PM on February 15, 2002

ever so often
I play poker, and smoke cigars
and drink French Cognac
posted by goneill at 3:39 PM on February 15, 2002

I will from time to
time let go of the wheel and
let my car decide

no casualties yet
but if I should slay per chance
hope it's a jogger
posted by dong_resin at 5:08 PM on February 15, 2002

Dong_Resin=A God to me
posted by ColdChef at 7:23 PM on February 15, 2002

God approves of your line of thinking, Chef, now put on your Nikes and drink your Kool Aid.
posted by dong_resin at 8:30 PM on February 15, 2002

Nikes on my feet
Top lip is stained cherry red
Castration? Say what?!
posted by ColdChef at 8:34 PM on February 15, 2002

I was fourteen when
I first smoked cigarettes. I've
quit many times since.

I no longer smoke,
But I've been hooked on that gum
for 6 long months now.

It costs just as much
to chew as it did to smoke.
God, how I miss it.
posted by jpoulos at 9:23 PM on February 15, 2002

It was the late nights
Working the hotel graveyard
Started my habit
posted by ColdChef at 9:48 PM on February 15, 2002

Stole Marlboro Lights
From a boss who never knew
She stole them herself
posted by ColdChef at 11:03 PM on February 15, 2002

Silent for a day
Does my smoking bother you?
No weekend poets?
posted by ColdChef at 9:20 AM on February 17, 2002

slight heroin nod
trying to type but can't quite
posted by dong_resin at 12:07 PM on February 17, 2002

chicken ain't exactly so
fingerlickin' good
posted by y2karl at 1:25 AM on February 20, 2002

I claim this next post
posted by y2karl at 1:28 AM on February 20, 2002

for my hairs. On my chinny chin chin.
posted by y2karl at 1:28 AM on February 20, 2002

hot chicks.
posted by y2karl at 1:45 AM on February 20, 2002

wondering when we
come back here to type poems
using our fingers
posted by goneill at 7:51 AM on February 20, 2002

I cannot believe
You still type with fingers. Use
any appendage.

For great mysticism
Type with your pinky toenails
They are very Zen

Many's the time I
Have found just the right word by
Using my earlobe.

For real clarity
though, you can't beat the well placed
coccyx hunt and peck.
posted by Kafkaesque at 10:06 AM on February 20, 2002

Avoid damp keyboard
Swallow your spit before you
Tap tap with your tongue
posted by ColdChef at 11:10 AM on February 20, 2002

pointy and Roman
perfectly suited to peck
proboscis typing
posted by dness2 at 1:34 PM on February 20, 2002

Mavis won't approve
But, if I'm cold and shirtless
I can Titty Type
posted by ColdChef at 2:04 PM on February 20, 2002

The cat's eaten it.
Hovercraft is full of eels.
Fetch me shrubbery.

Python haiku. Thank you. Tip your waitstaff. *bow*
posted by ebarker at 10:49 AM on February 21, 2002

sssss sssss ssssss squeeze sssss!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! sssss squeeze pop!

-Python Haiku
posted by Kafkaesque at 12:44 PM on February 21, 2002

Is AAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! two syllables?
posted by D at 11:07 PM on February 21, 2002

The sun a hammer
the booze a benediction
cult thread reclaimed!

bad haiku is still
wonderchicken happy time
dunno why that is..
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 4:46 AM on February 22, 2002

This is my last post
No longer safe for me here
Must be on the run

I am a hardened criminal.
posted by ColdChef at 5:06 AM on February 22, 2002

Jeez, Chef. WTF?
posted by jpoulos at 6:25 AM on February 22, 2002

Die die vandal die!
I am way too drunk to know
what I'm talkin' 'bout.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 6:35 AM on February 22, 2002

The swift hand of Matt
Swept away the cow thread fun
Poems are gone for good

posted by ColdChef at 1:42 PM on February 22, 2002

in the dash to find
what ails MetaFilter now
witch hunt all the rage

no, sen. McCarthy
I did not crack wise today
I don't know who did
posted by dong_resin at 3:39 PM on February 22, 2002

The letters B F
used to stand for blogfucker
now they stand for shit
posted by jpoulos at 6:07 PM on February 22, 2002

d.r. i've said it
before, this loveless meta-
filter is no fun.

dong_resin makes me
laugh, coldChef makes me laugh too
not Bunnyfire.

things change - matt closed posts
whats to be done now? B F
is the root. SHUT UP!!!

Who made that picture?
Did you see it anyway?
A tattoo and text.

Chins up here! A proof:
If god exists then B F
was spawned by Satan.
posted by goneill at 6:29 PM on February 22, 2002

Blogfucker empty
Alone and bereft we stare
Into the abyss.

Cow haiku gone. Can
eleven six twenty nine
Have much time left it?

*Hold me*
posted by Kafkaesque at 7:25 PM on February 22, 2002

Like the page says, K,
I promise promise promise
it will be back soon.

(really, it will. I'm coding the pages as we speak.)

When it reopens:
free monkeys for everyone.
all that you can eat!
posted by jpoulos at 9:22 PM on February 22, 2002

so very human
so cuddly and infant like
their eyes seem to know

the saddest thing is
before I eat the monkeys
I give them names first
posted by dong_resin at 10:58 PM on February 22, 2002

When eating monkeys
Put them in your mouth feet-first
Their smiles disappear
posted by ColdChef at 8:45 AM on February 23, 2002

You know who else eats monkeys? Robots eat monkeys.
posted by ColdChef at 9:04 AM on February 23, 2002

Stop eating monkeys
ColdChef! Feet first or elsewise!
They are relatives
posted by goneill at 7:50 AM on February 26, 2002

All I know is it's Tuesday and Kafkaesque isn't back yet. I'll never accept that old excuse - batteries for his organ-grinder - again. It seems, after studying the matter, that organ-grinders don't use batteries at all! Why the wily...
posted by MiguelCardoso at 7:53 AM on February 26, 2002

Meatloaf again, Mom? I want something different!
posted by ColdChef at 8:23 AM on February 26, 2002

Cute little monkey
Dance the organ grinder's song
Dance, like a champion
posted by jpoulos at 8:27 AM on February 26, 2002

Boy bands kiss my ass
Happy Birthday, Johnny Cash
Raise your whiskey glass
posted by ColdChef at 8:42 AM on February 26, 2002

Nasty little ape
Doesn't the grinder wash you?
You smell like feces
posted by jpoulos at 8:43 AM on February 26, 2002

How fucking cool is Johnny Cash?

For some reason, he's been on my mind recently, and I've been asking everyone I know: How fucking cool is Johnny Cash?
posted by jpoulos at 8:46 AM on February 26, 2002

From the link above:

In the liner notes to The Essential Johnny Cash, singer Bono of U2 calls Cash "the most male voice in Christendom. Not since John the Baptist has there been a voice like that crying in the wilderness," he writes. "Every man knows he is a sissy compared to Johnny Cash."
posted by ColdChef at 9:43 AM on February 26, 2002

Man in black is bad.
Once attacked by an ostrich.
He survived, thank God.
This factoid is brought to you by My Right Honorable Friend Kafkaesque. Please find a way to work this fact into your next party conversation. Example: "Man, these deviled eggs are addictive. Speaking of addictions, did you know that Johnny Cash once developed an addiction to painkillers after being attacked by an ostrich in 1983?"
posted by ColdChef at 11:26 AM on February 26, 2002

Damn, chef. That is one of the ugliest, most broken-est sites i've every seen. I especially like the red-text-on-red-background thing.

He survived, thank God.

All kidding aside, how horrible would it have been for his legacy if the ostrich had killed him. He'd forever be the "country singer who was killed by an ostrich."
posted by jpoulos at 12:35 PM on February 26, 2002

what about the fact that he's 'the country singer who sells electronic bibles on late-night infomercials'?
posted by goneill at 12:54 PM on February 26, 2002

Hey, what can you say? Johnny loves the Lord.

As you have probably have heard, John has ended his touring schedule after 42 years of traveling. Below is a note that John use [sic] to post in his showbook over the years.

Hi Folks,
Sometimes when I'm standing at that microphone singin'
I feel like I could touch all of you
I can't see many of your faces with that spotlight in my eyes
But I can feel you out there.

Performing is communicating
And I feel so good
When I'm performing a song that your enjoyin'
I feel it

It's like we are all holdin' hands
Or maybe huggin' up a little bit[!!!]
I've been writin' songs as long as I can remember
And I guess I always will write songs

"Cause I can say things in a song
That I don't know any other way to say
Or maybe sometimes I can get away with otherwise
Anyway, we try top give you everything we have in a concert

A slice of life
A few highs and a few lows
We sing it the way we feel it
We tell it the way we know it

We share things with you
That we think you feel

It's a supernatural positive force behind it all
He is part of it
We hope it makes you feel better
"Cause it sure makes us feel better
Doin' what we love to do


posted by ColdChef at 1:16 PM on February 26, 2002


I didn't want to have to come in here, but that's it! No mocking the Man In Black. End of story. This is a guy who's covered Nick Cave, Tom Waits, Leonard Cohen, Glenn Danzig, U2. Hmm that last one's not so cool, but his One is better than theirs any day of the week.

And honestly, I used to think the electronic bibles thing was pretty goofy, but Johnny's a man of faith. He preaches through his music, but not to people who don't want to listen. I'm not religious, but I repect his convictions. And at 70, he's probably not the most computer-savvy mammajamma in the world.

Since you all enjoyed the ostrich trivia thing so much, here's more: he burned down half of a National Forest in California when his brakes overheated on his trailer. The story's in here somewhere.

And as far as "developing an addiction to painkillers" as a result of the ostrich attack? What actually happened was that a friend of his sneaked in some Valium (or something close to it) to his hospital room after the attack, which opened up a huge wound in his belly. He had no place to hide the pills except in the bandages dessing the wound. The capsules seeped into the exposed wound and almost killed him by overdose.

By the way, he credits the giant belt buckle he was wearing for having saved him from being killed in that attack. So i guess there is something to be said for big-ass belt buckles.

All I can say is Johnny Cash is, if not my favorite, one of my top three favorite artists ever. If you want to ease into a little Cash, try Nick Cave's version of The Folksinger, Social Distortion's cover of Ring of Fire, or pick up any of the three American Recordings albums. After that, you'll be hooked. Live at Folsom Prison and San Quentin will become necessary listening for every road trip ever. And I hope those of you who haven't will still have a chance to see him live. I've seen him three times and loved every second of it.

Am I done? Yes. I'm done.
posted by Kafkaesque at 2:05 PM on February 26, 2002

No mocking the Man In Black.

Ummm. Sorry I misinterpreted the "developing an addiction to painkillers" thing. I think I made that up. Still, I don't think anyone was mocking him. We love Johnny Cash. And we think he's fucking cool.

Well, maybe goneill was making fun, but what do we care what she says? She's a girl and thereby incapable of understanding The Man in Black.*

*(Darlin', I'm just kidding. You know that I kid because I love.)
posted by ColdChef at 2:22 PM on February 26, 2002

I didn't think you were mocking him. I was just screwing around.
posted by Kafkaesque at 2:41 PM on February 26, 2002

You're just taking it back because you saw how mean I was to goneill and you were afraid of my fury. It's understandable. I'm a powerhouse of fury.
posted by ColdChef at 2:44 PM on February 26, 2002

OK Ike. No problem.
posted by Kafkaesque at 3:01 PM on February 26, 2002

True story: I was working as part of a three-person editorial team at a (very) small music magazine in 1994, sharing a small space in a corner of the building with our sister publication, a country music magazine. While we usually listened to our stuff on headphones, occasionally one of us would switch to the speakers, and we'd all share some sounds while we wrote and edited the magazine.

Anyway, when the advance copy of "American Recordings" arrived, Dan O., the rock editor, popped it in. He did it almost as a joke, as we had a (friendly) rivalry with our sister publication, and they were always listening to the most awful "new country" dreck imaginable. And so, while we covered all conceivable genres of music in our little book, we held country music in pretty low esteem.

About 30 seconds into the first song, at the exact same time, the three of us slowly rose from our seats and looked at each other over the cubicle walls. "Holy shit," one of us said. "Is that Johnny Cash?"

"That," said Danny, "is Johnny Fucking Cash."
posted by jpoulos at 7:26 PM on February 26, 2002

Meatloaf again, Mom? I want something different

ColdChef: am I mad or did you post this to 9622 too too? I was just getting over the knowledge that people in tropical Africa tie monkeys' tails to their heads to make it easier to carry them. Bushmeat, like bukkake, can be taken too far.

Kafkaesque: Am I wrong in assuming you and jpoulos have the best musical taste in recorded history? I mean: Cash, Cave, Cohen.... And that's only the letter C. A bit like the letter B in literature: Beckett, Borges, Donald Barthelme!

Now you're back, K, allow me to miss eyeballkid and j.edwards, horribly.
posted by MiguelCardoso at 7:51 PM on February 26, 2002

Is it possible not to take bukkake too far?

I've got to plead nolo contendre on the Leonard Cohen thing. He's one of those guys that I appreciate, but can't really listen to. Like most Canadians, I guess. [rimshot]
posted by jpoulos at 8:10 PM on February 26, 2002

Perfection is rare
Nature abhors a vacuum
So, we have spoilers

Bravo, jpoulos.
posted by ColdChef at 9:32 PM on February 26, 2002

Miguel, email me and we'll set up a music trade, if you're up for it. Anyone else want to join in? I run a random mix-cd swap a couple of times a year on another list...no reason not to do one here too.

And jpoulos, my man, just listen to Songs of Love and Hate, specifically Famous Blue Raincoat. I guarantee you will at least like that song.
posted by Kafkaesque at 10:06 PM on February 26, 2002

Man, I love that ya'll love Johnny. Not to get too sincere, but it's good to see that there's some damn fine taste floating around these parts.
posted by Optamystic at 10:19 PM on February 26, 2002

[thread-ruining post coming up. Please avert gaze.]

Yay for the music trade, Kafkaesque! Well, I was over at Grammar Lady a few minutes ago and found this, with no further explanation:

"Dear Grammar Lady: Here's a possible answer: Monkeys wore little hats like Curious George when they worked with the Hurdy Gurdy man - a street musician of old. They would take off the hat and hold it out for folks to put money into it. The little hats look similar to the dish now known as "monkey dish."
That's one of the most plausible explanations we've had. Too bad there's no documentation.

And the result? Do I think about 9622? Do I remember those Curious George porn videos? No, this triggers off an endless mental loop of Donovan's "Hurdy Gurdy Man"(singing songs of looorve...)which now will have to be surgically removed before I go mad.
posted by MiguelCardoso at 4:31 AM on February 27, 2002

WAIT ONE MINUTE. I may be a girl who doesn't want to hear about suicidegirls.com, or the Metafilter boyzone, or is into lots more blah blah blah useless feminist nonsense, but I LOVE JOHNNY CASH. No one, not even you sweetpea (aka coldchef) can take that from me.

I'm down for Musical Swap, but I have records, so I won't be much help.
posted by goneill at 8:48 AM on February 27, 2002

I also have mucho vinyl, but I just swap burned CDs now, as I don't have a record-pressing machine handy and tapes are just annoying and tend to go the way of all flesh.

goneill, you can actually burn from LP to CD now, btw.

This 45 is one of my more prized possessions:

(Johnny Cash)
« © '66 House Of Cash »

Now you've heard of folks with a lot of ambition
But I believe just about the biggest case of ambition I ever saw
Was in a bug that I saw crawlin' along the beach one day
He was a mighty ambitious bug
On the beach one early mornin' as a day was newly dawnin'
And the sun again was warmin' all the chill thru'out the land
I saw me a bug a walkin' and at first I thought he was quakin'
Then I found out he was talkin' while he crawled across the sand
He was crawlin' mighty straight at a slow but a steady gait
And when I asked him to wait he said oh come on crawl with me
But I said where you goin' and he said you'll be knowin'
For I'm gonna make a showin' and you'll someday see
Well I stood there by the ocean I suddenly had the notion
That I start this big promotion so this challenge I unfurled said the bug
So I gave my wife a hug and I left my comfy rug
So I could be the only bug that ever crawled around the world
Well he seemed mighty small and it was a long way to crawl
And I'm sure he couldn't swim at all so I try to discourage my friend
I said you know the world is round and there's mighty lotta ground
And there some water to be found before you reach your journey's end
And he said now don't you fret there's problems to be met
But I'll make it you can bet and this deed will bring glory to my name
You know they said man would never fly now he's soarin' in the sky
Cause he had the will to try so let me win my fame
So he crawled on out of sight as he sought that splendoured height
Neither lookin' left nor right but slowly marchin' toward his goal
And my knowin' he had started on his journey as we parted
Kept me from feelin' too down hearted for he was a mighty ambitious soul
Well I've looked everywhere I've been and seen a lotta bugs since then
But not one quite like my little friend when I think of him I'm filled with pride
Did he make it I don't know he was crawlin' mighty slow and he had a long way to go
And all I can tell you folks is that he tried he sure was an ambitious bug
posted by Kafkaesque at 9:48 AM on February 27, 2002

What the heck are you guys doing in here?

Oh, I see.

Well... carry on.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 1:39 AM on February 28, 2002

Globetrotting bug=my hero
Must finish novel
posted by ColdChef at 7:44 AM on February 28, 2002

So, what's the story with the music trading? I know ColdChef is just bitter about the whole Xmas collection thing, but the rest of you? This is an opportunity to be subject to the musical tastes of your favorite MeFi chums. Imagine the thrill as you unwrap Miguel's CD, only to find 78 minutes of Portuguese Carpenters songs!
posted by Kafkaesque at 10:25 AM on February 28, 2002

I will GLADLY participate. I tend to put together a mix every couple of months. I just need a swift kick in the ass. Are there rules to this little game?
posted by jpoulos at 10:30 AM on February 28, 2002

I know ColdChef is just bitter about the whole Xmas collection thing

I poured out my soul for you bastards and what did I get in return? Indifference. And one particular bastard (who will go unnamed) who gave me a false address. Imagine my sadness to get my pitiful little CD back in the mail. It was a slap in the face.

Having said that, although I'd love to participate, my musical favorites aren't as "refined" as some of yours and I'd be embarrased if all of you got my mix and laughed at me. I have inferiority issues.

Ah, what the fuck. Okay. I'm in. You fuckers are getting a bunch of Texas/Louisiana music.
posted by ColdChef at 12:54 PM on February 28, 2002

Of course, it's going to be very expensive to buy all those extra copies of our albums, which will be necessary, because (as we all know) stealing is wrong.
posted by ColdChef at 1:02 PM on February 28, 2002

posted by MiguelCardoso at 1:47 PM on February 28, 2002

I love you all very much. Can I come too [That wasn't an actual dig at the Portuguese version of the Carpenter's Greatest Hits, was it?]
posted by goneill at 1:54 PM on February 28, 2002

Well... This is how it goes. Everyone email me your snail mail addresses and I'll put together the list of addresses, email it to everyone (I'm thinking we've got maybe five players here, so this means burning 5 copies). You make a mix CD of whatever you want and mail it to each other person. This way you burn 5 CDs, and get back 5 other CDs.

The only rule I usually have is not to burn an entire studio album. I think it's always the most fun to make a compilation. And CDs only. No tapes.

Oh and include song/artist list.
posted by Kafkaesque at 2:11 PM on February 28, 2002

Kafka, mix-meister,
pulling CDs out of thread:
run free, little tunes.

Winged bird overhead
casts eagle eye on mayhem,
soars on regardless.
posted by walrus at 2:48 PM on February 28, 2002

Mix cds are fun
Music brings us all closer.
Hope you like ABBA
posted by ColdChef at 2:58 PM on February 28, 2002

Walrus, sage and wise
Can I not tempt you to add
Your tusks to the fray?

Everyone knows
The pinnaped delights in
Al forms of music
posted by Kafkaesque at 7:52 PM on February 28, 2002

posted by Kafkaesque at 12:50 AM on March 1, 2002

Prepared just for you:
epiclectic panoply
of tuskular sounds.

Just hope it doesn't
cause any small animals
to scarper, in fear.
posted by walrus at 12:01 PM on March 1, 2002

No Portuguese Carpenters, I'm afraid - but Japanese dwarf music may well feature heavily. Hi ho!
posted by MiguelCardoso at 9:28 AM on March 3, 2002

Yes, that was a Segway.
posted by MiguelCardoso at 9:29 AM on March 3, 2002

Thread death predicted!
Collect the stray haikus quick,
and bag 'em all up.

Harvest the onions,
grab turkeys by scrawny necks,
and ditch the fuckers.

Scrub thread, throw out crap,
and hone down to summary:
onion stinks, now go home.
posted by walrus at 8:14 AM on March 4, 2002

We need a ruling on this. Machaus' comment indicates that a thread is only "dead" if no one has commented for a month.
posted by jpoulos at 11:41 AM on March 4, 2002

See what happens when I don't drop in on a thread for a while? You guys move around quick. It's like trying to find a club different nights of the week in Hollywood.

I missed the chance to mention my personal favorite Johnny Cash song: Delia's Gone. I know it's not old school Cash. But then was there ever a period where he wasn't the man?
posted by eyeballkid at 7:11 PM on March 6, 2002

Always was, always will be, amigo.

Especially when doing voiceovers for Stetson commericals.

New album is supposed to be just about ready.

posted by Kafkaesque at 10:51 PM on March 6, 2002

Speaking of albums...I'm ready to start burning CDs. Is everyone in? Are we going to do this music swapping dealie?

Miguel? Are we going to be seeing a contribution from you? or are you too busy hanging out at Portugal's hippest, hottest music venue?

I'm going to blow you bastards away with my all Canadian Throat Singing tribute to Willie Nelson.
posted by ColdChef at 7:07 AM on March 7, 2002

posted by goneill at 8:44 AM on March 7, 2002

I'll send out the list of addresses by the end of the week (possibly even today). Everyone will have to burn abut 6 CDs, which I hope is not too much, and a couple of the participants are overseas...so there will be some hot postage action.

I'd like for everyone to burn and send within 2 weeks, so we can all have our little gifties at relatively the same time. Then, we can all synch up Miguel's compilation with The Wizard of Oz and have a global freakout, man.

I am sadly behind in my CD burning backlog, but I will endeavor to get everything done and sent in time.
posted by Kafkaesque at 8:48 AM on March 7, 2002

I itch to play along as I always love a peek at other people's taste, but I know I'd never once manage to get anything actually mailed out on time.
A lifetime of dead plants and goldfish have taught me well.
posted by dong_resin at 9:36 PM on March 7, 2002

I'm guessing you lot likely have all the Stryper records you might need, anyway.
posted by dong_resin at 9:43 PM on March 7, 2002

dong_resin: Don't be that way! Who wants your CD anyway? You can always send flowers or something later. ;)

ColdChef: The Hard Rock Café, right!

I had my fingers crossed for Planet Hollywood, but still. All that matters is that next year *commences swooning* we're getting a MacDonalds and a Portuguese-language version of the Readers' Digest!

I want to include musical versions of these landmarks on my first CD. It's either that or a very cool compilation on my word-for-the-week, "burn"(I looked it up!). You know, "Light My Fire", Arthur Lee's "Fire", Three Dog Night's "Burnin' For Your Love..."

Eez good idea, nó?

Oh and I have received The List Of Seven. Thanks, Kafkaesque! The A-List can go fuck itself from now on, so far as I'm concerned. They don't know the meaning of the word elite.
posted by MiguelCardoso at 2:26 AM on March 8, 2002

I'd just like to take the opportunity to wish our dear friend Kafkaesque a very happy MetaFilter birthday. How does it feel to be one year old?
posted by ColdChef at 5:59 AM on March 8, 2002

That was my 1000th MetaFilter post, by the way...
posted by ColdChef at 7:44 AM on March 8, 2002

It's sweet you spent it on the DiskMeister. And 1001 you had to yourself, which is also nice. But how are you going to spend 1002? Don't freeze, ColdChef! ;)
posted by MiguelCardoso at 7:58 AM on March 8, 2002

Awwww, congrats Kafkaesque and ColdChef.

Miguel, you are supposed to say, "I really don't see The List Of Seven thing, I mean, yes, we are seven friends, but The List Of Seven doesn't exist. It's just an antiquated form of her worship, nobody is trying to exclude anyone from The List Of Seven, it's just kind of came about that way. I write for myself, not for the accolades that the public keeps heaping on me"
posted by goneill at 8:00 AM on March 8, 2002

You're absolutely right, goneill. I'm so glad you finally stood up and spelled it out. It's just we get so much aggravation from the non-Sevens, you know, bitching about how we all keep linking to each other and shut everybody else out. Frankly, I'm sick of the accusations too. Just leave it alone!

When will they understand we're just regular schmucks who hang out together, not because we're more talented or have cooler CDs to burn, or religiously share our real addresses, or love each other dearly, or will never allow anybody even understand what we're talking about here, but just, well...because. ;)

Altogether now: Jeez, I don't even know what the List of Seven is!
posted by MiguelCardoso at 8:57 AM on March 8, 2002

The Lucky Seven. The Seven Samurai. Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. My cd is finished (I've made so many comp cds that dropping in the archived MP3's was a snap). I hope the rest of you like a little C+C Music Factory with your N' Sync. I expect a weekend of burning images and printing labels and will be torturing you all with a murderous soundscape within the week (or longer if you reside "over the pond")
posted by eyeballkid at 9:01 AM on March 8, 2002

Hey thanks for the MeFi birthday wish, folks.

This year I promise to wear more plaid, and to grope more strangers in crowds. Um. I mean less groping of strangers in crowds.

I also proclaim Kafkaesque Year Two to be the Year of the Flying Lemur. Let the cry ring from north to south: "I LOVE FLYING LEMURS!"

And Meester Dong, if you want to join up in the CD Hootenanny of Love, just email me your snail mail address, and laissez les bon temps roulez, as it were.

And as far as this Seven thing:
1 - There's only 7 of us doofi because no-one else is even vaguely interested.

and B - can I be Sloth?
posted by Kafkaesque at 9:12 AM on March 8, 2002

There's only 7 of us doofi because no-one else is even vaguely interested.

Shhh! 'Cos even we 7 couldn't really give a shit. Apart from eyeballkid, that is, who's just confessed to spending the last few days doing nothing else. [endless child-like laughing and finger-pointing]
posted by MiguelCardoso at 9:32 AM on March 8, 2002

Dibs on Gluttony!
posted by ColdChef at 9:46 AM on March 8, 2002

Dibs on Pride!
posted by MiguelCardoso at 9:49 AM on March 8, 2002

Dibs on um... what are the seven deadly sins again? *pause while I google*
posted by goneill at 10:17 AM on March 8, 2002

You like spaghetti, Chef?
posted by Kafkaesque at 10:18 AM on March 8, 2002

Who else thinks the chick should get Lust? (or am I just projecting?)

Oh, and I make that dude in the movie look slim by comparison.
posted by ColdChef at 10:43 AM on March 8, 2002


I look a lot like Lilian by the way, thanks K
posted by goneill at 11:19 AM on March 8, 2002

Seven sins? Shit.
The magnificent seven,
in CD heaven.
posted by walrus at 11:39 AM on March 8, 2002

Argh I dropped a syllable.


Seven sins? Bullshit.
posted by walrus at 11:41 AM on March 8, 2002

Thanks Miguel. Just one more reminder that I'm a lonley lonely loser. I hope you're happy! *finds corner of 11629 and cries... what's this... hey... a whole case of beer nuts... man I love this country.... mmmmmmm beer nuts........*

[I just had the suddent realization that Matt has taken away our <font> tags, only <small> works now]
posted by eyeballkid at 11:44 AM on March 8, 2002

It's Harder to post.
Matt has created prison.
Now without font tags!

i'm scared
posted by goneill at 12:05 PM on March 8, 2002

Oh shite

I forgot our good friend Walrus!

Look for a new email coming to an inbox near you and yours.
posted by Kafkaesque at 1:04 PM on March 8, 2002

I, too, hope that the Donger will join us, but can we still remain the "List of Seven"?
posted by jpoulos at 1:14 PM on March 8, 2002

of course, that makes it all the more mysterious...
posted by goneill at 1:42 PM on March 8, 2002

Yeah! As no one will know, once we're eleven or fifty, who the List Of Seven really are...

Perhaps we should write it down while we still know...
posted by MiguelCardoso at 1:50 PM on March 8, 2002

Well, technically we would be the Eight, with Walrus. Maybe the Eight Aphids...with Donger we'd be the Nine Nincompoops or something.
posted by Kafkaesque at 1:51 PM on March 8, 2002

And honestly, I am repelled by notions of a list or anything like that.

Bah! I poop on your list.
posted by Kafkaesque at 1:57 PM on March 8, 2002

Well, it was a pleasant way of reaching 600.
posted by MiguelCardoso at 2:21 PM on March 8, 2002

Curse Miguel for pointing it out before I could. Let the wrath of Envy and Lust er, do something really bad to you...
I don't know why everyone keeps talking about a list. There really was never such a thing as THE LIST OF SEVEN. I mean, its so obviously a ploy to separate us, from the others. People have a need to look up to others, hence, THE LIST OF SEVEN. There is no club, no list, no nothing. THE LIST OF SEVEN is a myth.
posted by goneill at 2:29 PM on March 8, 2002

Your banter is grating upon me.

Remember, you are at the mercy of my CD burner, amigo.
posted by Kafkaesque at 2:47 PM on March 8, 2002

Also, I have now sent out the New! Improved! ~now with added Walrus!~ address list.

Bring it on!
posted by Kafkaesque at 2:50 PM on March 8, 2002

I gotta send TWO cd's overseas? Can't I just send em both to the Walrus and then let Miguel drop by his house and pick it up?

How big is this "Europe" anyways?
posted by ColdChef at 2:57 PM on March 8, 2002

Europe's pretty small. Just address the envelope "Miguel, Europe"

I think once it gets to France, it can just ask.
posted by Kafkaesque at 3:06 PM on March 8, 2002

What if I just paste Miguel's picture on the envelope? Will that work?
posted by eyeballkid at 4:51 PM on March 8, 2002

Why not use The Miguel Signal?

Just shine it at the clouds and the magic goblins will spirit your missive to Don Miguel in his Secret Land of Dance, Portugal.
posted by Kafkaesque at 7:01 PM on March 8, 2002

posted by tj at 10:53 AM on March 11, 2002

Hey, who's that gobshite in my ice cream?
posted by MiguelCardoso at 11:08 AM on March 11, 2002

Not fudge, not sprinkles
That gobshite in my ice cream
Better be low fat
posted by ColdChef at 9:24 AM on March 12, 2002

Syllable counting
As practiced by many here
could be a disease.
posted by goneill at 10:30 AM on March 12, 2002

Sometimes, the best lines
Are the ones that have a few more syllables, give or take,
Than they really should.
posted by Kafkaesque at 2:23 PM on March 12, 2002

One one six two nine
Eleven six twenty-nine
One sixteen two nine
posted by jpoulos at 4:50 PM on March 12, 2002

sis boom bah!
posted by Kafkaesque at 5:58 PM on March 12, 2002

posted by MiguelCardoso at 7:19 PM on March 12, 2002

In A Gadda Da Vida!
posted by Kafkaesque at 8:25 PM on March 12, 2002

Una Paluma Blanca!
I'm just a bird in the sky
And no-one can take
My freedom away!
posted by Kafkaesque at 8:25 PM on March 12, 2002

Doo wah diddy diddy-dum diddy-doo.
posted by jpoulos at 6:12 AM on March 13, 2002

Riding along in my automobile
My baby beside me at the wheel
Cruising and playing the radio
With no particular place to go.

I like this. It's like karaoke word association.
posted by Kafkaesque at 9:05 AM on March 13, 2002

posted by eyeballkid at 4:40 PM on March 13, 2002

Get higher baby.
Get higher baby.
get higher baby.
Don't you never come down!


White line
Goin through my mind
posted by Kafkaesque at 4:52 PM on March 13, 2002

I'm halfway through burning my cds. Going to the post office tomorrow.

Miguel, I'm putting an extra track on your cd. I'm thinking maybe..."Thank Heaven for Little Girls."
posted by ColdChef at 5:24 PM on March 13, 2002

I finished mine this weekend. I'm too lazy to get to the PO. can I just send you guys a playlist? (I've got a Miguel Specific Song as well... I guess it couldn't be helped)
posted by eyeballkid at 6:37 PM on March 13, 2002

What about "Mother and Child Reunion"? Or "Teach Your Children Well"? Could you fit those in as well, ColdChef?
posted by MiguelCardoso at 6:43 PM on March 13, 2002

Eyeballkid: that cheered me up no end! I see it mentions the beer but not the ... I guess I'll have to give up hope on those as well, if you're too lazy to go to the PO. Perhaps you could send me the description of contents from any loose packets you have lying around?
posted by MiguelCardoso at 6:49 PM on March 13, 2002

CD approaches
Carried by angry postmen
Can you be "grunteled?"
posted by ColdChef at 6:39 AM on March 15, 2002

On a practical note, while I got out of the post office paying only around fifteen bucks or so, (and only two flesh wounds) I fear for the load of postage our European pals may have to shell out big time.

So, let me make this offer: if either of you fine fellows would rather, you can send all of your cds to me and I'll disperse them stateside. I assume that this would be cheaper, but this is based on nothing more than a guess.

Let me know if you want me to be your go between.
posted by ColdChef at 6:44 AM on March 15, 2002

I hope to send my discs out monday. i mention this only so that information will be public. i hope to use the power of guilt to motivate myself to put them together this weekend.

Who likes Pat Boone!!!!
posted by jpoulos at 7:34 AM on March 15, 2002

I have finished my burning (my burning of CDs anyway), and shall hopefully mail my little bundles of joy out today.
posted by Kafkaesque at 8:41 AM on March 15, 2002

ColdChef - you are too generous. Honestly.

I'm still trying to figure out what I have to buy to "burn" a CD and how I can rig it up to my CD player, Yes, go ahead and laugh but at least my CD will be "burned" by hand, from proper CDs, with none of that MP3 or whatever it is rubbish. Push me and you'll get vinyl as one of my best friends owns a pressing plant. :)
posted by MiguelCardoso at 8:49 AM on March 15, 2002

please make me a mixed record miguel - i've never gotten one before. PLEASE!!!
posted by goneill at 10:06 AM on March 15, 2002

posted by Kafkaesque at 12:10 PM on March 15, 2002

I did not consider the possiblity that one among is might not be CD-capable.

Mig my man, you need a CD-R drive for your puter. But don't buy one just to do this, if you don't already have one. Alternately, they have CD-Writers that are stereo components, though I haven't figured out why you'd want one unless you have money you need to destroy forever.
posted by Kafkaesque at 12:13 PM on March 15, 2002


posted by goneill at 12:33 PM on March 15, 2002


I just got me Cold Chef's mix, and whoooo boy I'm as happy as a sow in a slop factory!

Great stuff, Chef, thanks. I'm only 3 tracks into it, but I love it already. And in case you were worried, there's no chance of any overlap between your mix and mine. :-)
posted by jpoulos at 9:09 AM on March 16, 2002

DAMN! You know, we joke about the postal service and all that, but across the country in one day for less than the price of a happy meal?

Mad Props to our Postal brothers and sistas!
posted by ColdChef at 9:20 AM on March 16, 2002

Whaddya mean, ColdChef? I'm still cooling my heels here. You didn't send it by standard post, did you, you mean bastard?

Thanks for the tips, Kafkaesque. I have a few nifty nephews who'll come round with the equipment, I hope. Otherwise I'll send you all a wonderful CD I'd like you all to hear and which you've most probably only heard about. Let me know if you already have it. And don't kermit on me - it might sound awful, but it's wonderful. As I chose the tracks and wrote the notes, that should be personal involvement enough for now, until I get organized with the burning gear.

Now to impress you and try to win you back, after all the cruel laughter : I got an e-mail today, out of the blue, from Leonard Cohen. It reads: "still around?". That's what I'm going to call my first compilation for you guys.*

*Goneill - I hope I'm not wrong in thinking "guys", in contexts like this one, includes gals.
posted by MiguelCardoso at 12:42 PM on March 16, 2002

I've burned 'em all. Expect packages whenever they arrive. Thanks for the offer ColdChef, but I can cover the postage.
posted by walrus at 2:02 PM on March 16, 2002

Cold Chef: I've been listening to some of these folks lately (I just discovered Steve Earle, and of course, there's always Willy and Emmylou). It fits right into my rotation. Awesome. Thanks.

Mine went out yesterday. I was told US within the next few days, overseas, within the week.
posted by eyeballkid at 2:19 PM on March 16, 2002

*grabs arm, grimacing at the pain of cardiac arrest, such is the surprise, muttering: eyeballkid not only made it to the PO he's probably included a packet of beer nuts to make amends for all the aggravation.*
posted by MiguelCardoso at 2:25 PM on March 16, 2002

aggravation? why my dear Miguel, have I caused you to fret? (sorry, no beer nuts... though i wish i would have thought of it... /me kicks self)
posted by eyeballkid at 3:04 PM on March 16, 2002

That shall be my first and only tattoo: No beer nuts. :(
posted by MiguelCardoso at 3:16 PM on March 16, 2002

Can we just call you "No nuts" for short?

Oh, and my discs will go out Monday.
posted by Kafkaesque at 5:35 PM on March 16, 2002

You must have a great chiropractor to know that so specifically, Kafka.

Do Ozzy Osbourne's
spawn suffer from down's syndrome?
They don't seem quite right

I wouldn't notice, but
I can't turn the tee vee on
free from their blank stares

You'd think such great wealth
could get the daughter to stop
with the shih-tzu face.
posted by dong_resin at 10:44 AM on March 17, 2002

Son wields a large knife
Daughter burns up the teapot
"You're all fucking mad!"
posted by ColdChef at 11:10 AM on March 17, 2002

You'd think that the son
could parlay his heritage
into some fine tail
posted by jpoulos at 12:02 PM on March 17, 2002

Grace before dinner:
"Fucking thanks for fucking food.
Mad fucking amen."
posted by ColdChef at 1:07 PM on March 17, 2002

"No smoking. No drugs."
Health advice from a man who
Bites heads off of bats.
posted by ColdChef at 1:10 PM on March 17, 2002

When I'm 98
I hope I'm as quick as Oz.
But not at 50. :-)
posted by jpoulos at 8:56 PM on March 17, 2002

Son's non sequitur
"I'm an ass kicking fat kid!"
Confuses Ozzy.
posted by ColdChef at 4:59 AM on March 18, 2002

How does she not know
It's an electric kettle?
Leave it off the gas!
posted by jpoulos at 6:22 AM on March 18, 2002

Bulldog feels left out
Everyone loves the yipper
Takes a massive dump
posted by jpoulos at 6:25 AM on March 18, 2002

Ozzy makes a joke
But no one seems to listen
"See ya tamara!"
posted by jpoulos at 6:26 AM on March 18, 2002

Loud, screaming household
But which is more annoying:
Mom or yapping dog?

Kelly's thong panties
Sharing her yeast infection
(She shares way too much)
posted by ColdChef at 6:48 AM on March 18, 2002

Jack has mom worried
"He has problems making friends."
Hmmm. I can see why...
posted by ColdChef at 6:58 AM on March 18, 2002

Haven't seen this tv disaster you're all referring to, but Ozzy is apparently one of the funniest blokes around, to sit and sup a pint of mild with. A real Brummie.
posted by walrus at 7:10 AM on March 18, 2002

He is really one of the most likable people on TV right now. A big part of that is because no one wants to shit on the "retarded kid"--which is literally what he is (he thinks and moves very slowly these days). But he's also coming of as a genuinely caring person. I despise reality television--and I hardly ever watch any TV at all during baseball's off-season--but this show makes me piss myself. (A weak bladder is one of the side effects of hanging with the Oz, apparently.)
posted by jpoulos at 7:23 AM on March 18, 2002

*I don't even own an MTV*

How cool is that?
posted by Kafkaesque at 9:25 AM on March 18, 2002

*Points and screeches like Donald Sutherland at the end of Invasion Of The Body Snatchers*

Soon you will, my pretty.
posted by dong_resin at 10:23 AM on March 18, 2002

We must repent now!
Return to the Haiku form
While there is still time!
posted by Kafkaesque at 5:54 PM on March 18, 2002

Redneck Haiku


Sixty-five dollars
And cyclone fence keeps me from
My El Camino


In early morning mist
Mama searches Circle K for
Moon Pies and Red Man

posted by ColdChef at 8:37 AM on March 19, 2002

I would sell my soul
for one goddam little tin
of sweet skoal bandits
posted by Kafkaesque at 8:42 AM on March 19, 2002

If they don't have it
Then you really don't need it
Dollar Gen'rul Store

Flip-flops on the left
Fam'ly portraits on the right
Macy's of the sticks
posted by ColdChef at 8:48 AM on March 19, 2002

Yes, we're cousins.
Twelve is eighty-four in dog years.
Don't bleed on muh vinyl.
posted by dong_resin at 9:12 AM on March 19, 2002

These stores indicate
Quality of neighborhood
Cheaper means beware!

On nearby mean streets
"98 cent store" exists
Merchandise of doom!
posted by Kafkaesque at 9:14 AM on March 19, 2002

I really shouldn't post here before lunch.
posted by dong_resin at 9:18 AM on March 19, 2002

Junkyard Dog. Ric Flair.
Hulk Hogan's New World Order
Wrestling Nostalgia
posted by ColdChef at 9:18 AM on March 19, 2002

Forbidden cousins?
Yes. One of god's cruelest jokes.
"Killer" still gets crap.

(note: tour includes "Killer's Kar Kollection")
posted by ColdChef at 9:42 AM on March 19, 2002

Killer was part of
Million Dollar Quartet:
music history!

Jerry sat in with
greats Perkins, Presley and Cash:
amazing combo!
posted by Kafkaesque at 9:58 AM on March 19, 2002

My farm is lonely.
Lady-folk are few and far.
Reverse this process?
posted by ColdChef at 10:19 AM on March 19, 2002

The Nature Boy's a
kiss-stealing, wheeling-dealin
son of a gun. Wooooo!
posted by jpoulos at 10:39 AM on March 19, 2002

So, twice in two days
My haiku skillz have been slammed.
Hanging up my quill.
posted by ColdChef at 1:00 PM on March 19, 2002

No! Great not warm Chef
Haiku will not stand the loss
of the new Basho.
posted by dong_resin at 1:17 PM on March 19, 2002

Anything but Elvis.
Great black slave underculture
Now safe for Whitey.
posted by dong_resin at 1:25 PM on March 19, 2002

Poem-y goodness
Too silly for most people
In here's fine for me
posted by ColdChef at 1:28 PM on March 19, 2002

All has been returned
to its correct place and thread
here in Haiku land.
posted by Kafkaesque at 1:52 PM on March 19, 2002

I beg forgiveness
For letting slip our secret
And breaking your trust
posted by jpoulos at 8:12 PM on March 19, 2002

Scurvy plot revealed
How might this thread continue?
CDs shut me up.
posted by donkeymon at 9:02 PM on March 19, 2002

Jamaican donkey
Blackmailing us for music?
Quick! Slip him a disc
posted by Kafkaesque at 9:14 PM on March 19, 2002

Ouch. Slipping a disc
can be painful: remember,
spines not for bending.
posted by walrus at 5:52 AM on March 20, 2002

Oh my friggin' spine!

Lay off with the crowbar sir;

Tunes are all I need.

Wait, I take that back.

A decent chiropractor

Would be great right now.
posted by donkeymon at 7:39 AM on March 20, 2002

Woman sought in high-heel beating

Man cheats on his wife with her best friend. Wife beats her best friend with a high heel shoe.

And now, the same article in haiku form:

My birthday is near
Twenty four years on this earth
Gave my spouse the boot

John's in the doghouse
So, where will he spend the night?
Hey, look! Shannon's home!

Where were you last night?
Our wedded bed was lonely
Is that Shannon's robe?

Sleeping peacefully
In Eagle Lake Trailer Park
Shoeless feet approach

Face pounded by heels
My mouth full of screams and the
Taste of Dr. Scholl's

A shoe beating's bad
But if you want to talk pain
John's ass holds left shoe
posted by ColdChef at 8:43 AM on March 20, 2002

Chef, that was spectacular. You know what you should do? Set up an all-haiku news site. Present the day's top stories in 5-7-5.
posted by jpoulos at 10:31 AM on March 20, 2002

Here's a great site that does just that.

Well, she USED to write haikus of the news, but most of them are of the more "personal" nature now. Hmmm. Maybe I should just steal her idea outright. I've been wanting to make my own place on the web...

Dammit. Here's another.
posted by ColdChef at 10:41 AM on March 20, 2002

Wow. The ones on Headline Haikus are written by a computer using Perl.
posted by ColdChef at 10:56 AM on March 20, 2002

Set up an all-haiku [...] site.

11629.org is still available ...
posted by walrus at 11:16 AM on March 20, 2002

How easy it is
To take ColdChef any day
Over a computer
posted by MiguelCardoso at 12:11 PM on March 20, 2002

Have I ever told you guys that I've never had an original idea in my life? Seriously. My subconcious is so friggin' active that everything that bubbles up to the surface has its roots in something I've seen or read somewhere else.

When I used to write songs in high school, after I'd finished one, I'd play a little game. I'd look at the chords and melody and try to figure out what song I'd unconciously ripped off. It usually didn't take long to find it.

Anyway, my discs are in the mail. By pure happenstance, one of the tracks I chose also appears on eyeballkid's mix. Although I made the mix before I saw EBK's, I'm sure that, somehow, my subconcious stole the idea. :-)
posted by jpoulos at 12:57 PM on March 20, 2002

I'm going to go all psychic on you and guess that the double track is Death Cab For Cutie.

Do I win something?

And look out Chef! Miguel wants to take you over a computer.
posted by Kafkaesque at 2:52 PM on March 20, 2002


Miguel's strong rough hands
Bid me over to his desk
Can't we just be friends?
posted by ColdChef at 3:38 PM on March 20, 2002

Oh no, I meant
I'd always prefer his haikus
To a computer's.

Though if I were gay
There would be no other
Besides him.

This is what I mean
By posting Portuguese records
Instead of burning,

By the way.
posted by MiguelCardoso at 6:48 PM on March 20, 2002

WOW! - I received ColdChef's and eyeballkid's CDs this morning! My wife came in when I was listening to CC's excellent selection(I had no idea you could play these things on one's regular player; I thought it was only for that little drawer on the computer)and went "Wow!" too. Imagine a snobbish, highbrow, beautiful Portuguese girl, who's never heard Texan music before, being completely won over by it. She poked her head in and said "Well, if this is country music, I love it." The result: We've heard nothing else all day. And I get to stay on MetaFilter an extra hour a day! I expect the neighbours to knock on the door asking for a copy any moment now. Do they accept Portuguese immigrants in Texas?

Eyeballkid's CD, which I'm saving for tonight, looks very impressive too. Thanks guys - you made ne cry, honestly. Like old jpoulos calling us friends on the front page CD thread.

Mine go out on Monday. You Americans - you pretend to be all cool and hard-hearted but you're just big softies like the rest of us. Only you're better at it. God bless you your pink little socks, the lot of you! *sob*
posted by MiguelCardoso at 8:57 AM on March 21, 2002

[Typos medically attributed to excessive emotion. Willie Nelson's Valentine did it to me!]
posted by MiguelCardoso at 9:00 AM on March 21, 2002

oh miguel, I'm on a business trip, so I look very silly crying now in front of these people that I just met... since I am still away I haven't mailed mine yet, please be patient as I think of the CD with every free waking moment.

Eyeballkid has two of the same artists as me and I hate him for it.
posted by goneill at 9:33 AM on March 21, 2002

Having now listened to ColdChef and eyeballkid's superb mixes, I am concerned about the sanity of mine. In my defence, I tried to relate it to the thread, but who would have known there were so few songs with five or seven beats to the bar? My printer is duff, so I'll email you the tracklist. Should I do that right away, or make you all wait until you've heard it first, I wonder? Decisions, decisions ...
posted by walrus at 9:42 AM on March 21, 2002

Buncha crybabies.
weeping sad crocodile tears:
Need MetaTissue?
posted by Kafkaesque at 9:57 AM on March 21, 2002

Goneill: he's good, that ColdChef, isn't he? Heartstrings Guy if ever I knew of such a soul. When he writes his defining screenplay, E.T., by comparison, will seem like The Fight Club. We've joked about his feminine side. Well no more! the truth is the man records and writes, hee hee, for couples.

Oh come on, Uncle K! I bet Max cries less than you. Eyeballkid's CD, which I've just started listening to, is feckin' art, man! I knew he couldn't be trusted. Obscure Japanese and German tracks and no beer nuts or note saying "Hi Miguel!" in his own handwriting. Maria João said: "ColdChef's CD is sweet but this guy knows!"

Well, knowledge is waaay over-rated, boyo! :)

[If Goneill's CD has no Mary Margaret O'Hara and Walrus's CD has no Linton Kwezi Johnson I may well kill myself online.]

Oh: And we'll never reach 700.
posted by MiguelCardoso at 10:54 AM on March 21, 2002

I open the door wide:
Who will grace us with a brief
epochal haiku?
posted by Kafkaesque at 10:57 AM on March 21, 2002

So, seven hundred
is now past and forgotten.
Can the thread reach eight?
posted by walrus at 12:51 PM on March 21, 2002

I'm teaching tonight
a group of jackass morons
dumber than monkeys
posted by eyeballkid at 9:28 PM on March 21, 2002

There's some defending
the idea that monkeys
are not all that dumb.

Simple existence
might end up a lot more fun
with no bills to pay.
posted by walrus at 12:54 AM on March 22, 2002

which of us can say
what tastes in life are better
ticks on your mate's back
posted by dong_resin at 2:55 AM on March 22, 2002

so... back to records:
coldChef didn't say hi to
me... oh hmpf sigh Chef?
posted by goneill at 8:31 AM on March 22, 2002

Poor Texan ColdChef,
Yes, hell hath no fury like
A stranger scorned.

you know, scorn-ed.
ask our good buddy Leonard Cohen, who has ow-unhed up to a few syllabic stretches in his time.

Oh hell, here's a whole song. I just love Leonard. He's like a breath of angst on a warm day filled with singing birds that are about to die.

Let's Sing Another Song, Boys
(Let's sing another song, boys, this one has grow-unh old and bitter.)
Ah his fingernails, I see they're broken,
his ships they're all on fire.
The moneylender's lovely little daughter
ah, she's eaten, she's eaten with desire.
She spies him through the glasses
from the pawnshops of her wicked father.
She hails him with a microphone
that some poor singer, just like me, had to leave her.
She tempts him with a clarinet,
she waves a Nazi dagger.
She finds him lying in a heap;
she wants to be his woman.
He says, "Yes, I might go to sleep
but kindly leave, leave the future,
leave it open."

He stands where it is steep,
oh I guess he thinks that he's the very first one,
his hand upon his leather belt now
like it was the wheel of some big ocean liner.
And she will learn to touch herself so well
as all the sails burn down like paper.
And he has lit the chain
of his famous cigarillo.
Ah, they'll never, they'll never ever reach the moon,
at least not the one that we're after;
it's floating broken on the open sea, look out there, my friends,
and it carries no survivors.
But lets leave these lovers wondering
why they cannot have each other,
and let's sing another song, boys,
this one has grow-unn old and bitter.


which of course leads me to Giant Sand (included on Kafkaesque's Songs for Cartoonish Monkeys), whose "Satellite" includes the noble passage:

You can get Leonard Nimoy
To play the part of Leonard Cohen
Singin the songs you
posted by Kafkaesque at 1:39 PM on March 22, 2002

One thing I noticed about your CD, Mr. K, is that big Leonard Cohen streak running through it. It made me want to run out and pick some up.
posted by jpoulos at 2:14 PM on March 22, 2002

odd Canadian
voice like shoes in a dryer
background like Yanni
posted by dong_resin at 12:16 PM on March 23, 2002

Whatever, donger
Listen to more songs, maybe,
Before your judgment.

This is another way
Of saying opinions
Are just like assholes
posted by Kafkaesque at 5:57 PM on March 23, 2002

only with a truth
only with unwelcome truth
such defensiveness

(Actually, I kind of like Leonard Cohen, but I still think my description is apt.)
posted by dong_resin at 7:23 PM on March 23, 2002

You may be right in
Assessment of later songs
But not the first ones.

Indeed, you spoke truth.
I was punched in the gut by
Taxman yesterday.

Apologies for
pettiness. It never does
become anyone.
posted by Kafkaesque at 11:18 AM on March 24, 2002

speaking of pettiness
April is Schadenfreude Month
for we who are broke
posted by dong_resin at 12:10 PM on March 24, 2002

Uh, the bonus syllable is yours to keep,
although I wouldn't decare it if I were you.

posted by dong_resin at 2:14 PM on March 24, 2002

Declare. My typing gets more impressive every day, doesn't it.

Valentine's day pines
for the left out of the loop
pains of Tax Day.

Those who have, pay
Those who lack, wish they could also.
Green grass on your lawn.

I'm leaning into
the skid, hugging poverty.
How Zen I've become.

Yes, I'll live simply,
like a monk with his rice bowl
(except with more porn.)

Why must cheap coffee
smack of ground-up truck tires?
Bastard Jaun Valdez.

posted by dong_resin at 9:25 AM on March 25, 2002

three cds down now
k, coldchef and jpoulos
all are excellent

(the last song I would have expected to over lap anyone with was dance on vaseline)
posted by eyeballkid at 5:32 PM on March 25, 2002

especially that particular remix, huh? i meant to mention, eyeballkid, that I love the yoko kanno stuff. i'm a big anime fan. great stuff all around, from everyone.
posted by jpoulos at 6:39 PM on March 25, 2002

I'd never heard Yoko Kanno! After ColdChef's melodramatic tearfest, eyeballkid's cool objectivity was the welcome antidote. Well, today I received Kafkaesque's sublime selection, a tightrope-walking exercise in melancholy and extreme good taste, which sounds a lot like the complete best songs ever recorded. When I learn to burn my CD, it will sound a lot like that. Only better, ha ha, nervous laugh...

I've bought my 12 Madredeus CDs and will be shipping them tomorrow. And I still have 9 to get! What a great idea this was. Though I must say, being Portuguese, I was a bit disappointed not to get a handwritten note. Even typewritten... No "Dear Miguel", no "Hope you enjoy this", nothing. Can't we stipulate that each CD should go out with at least one packet of Beer Nuts? Or, in walrus's case, pork scratchings? *sob*
posted by MiguelCardoso at 7:38 PM on March 25, 2002

dong_resin: please e-mail me your address. This is not about give and ye shall receive. You're a part of us, whether you like it or not. I'd like you to hear what we're all hearing. If tomorrow it's me who's poor and you who's rich will you say "screw Miguel, I'm not sending him one" when you already have an extra copy for me? Well then.
posted by MiguelCardoso at 7:56 PM on March 25, 2002

Thanks, Miguel, but I only listen to 8 track.

Uh.... I hope my dopey haikus above where taken in the entirely abstract and silly manner in which they were intended... I was just musing `bout tax day... maybe my timing was stupid given the pall cast by aaron's current situation...

Fact is, I killed a man with my Haiku once, and since then, I've just never been that good with it.

Miguel, I certainly appreciate the offer, but I simply don't have the time right now to play properly, and I'd feel real weird bringing so little to the party. Maybe I could participate in the next round of disc swap, or much better, wife swap.

Who's with me? Open marriages are happy marriages.
posted by dong_resin at 8:41 PM on March 25, 2002

...said the Man In The Assless Pants.
posted by Optamystic at 8:52 PM on March 25, 2002

OK, d_r, have it your way. I'll keep the bloody thing then. But only until you're ready! In readiness, as they say, namely Bela Lugosi, as in "Your room is ready now... bwaahahahaha!" :)
posted by MiguelCardoso at 9:00 PM on March 25, 2002

Miguel is channeling clavdivs.
posted by Optamystic at 9:45 PM on March 25, 2002

Shhhh, Optamystic!
posted by MiguelCardoso at 9:50 PM on March 25, 2002

Hold me.
posted by dong_resin at 10:20 PM on March 25, 2002

i too want to give dr a cd. please dr? don't feel bad...
you can have mlang any time you want, bye the way... i keep trying to convince him that open relationships are the way to go, to no avail, but I think you might just be the feller to show him the error of his ways.
posted by goneill at 7:46 AM on March 26, 2002

JPoulos CD
Artistically packaged
And good, very good.
posted by Kafkaesque at 11:25 AM on March 26, 2002

Thank you, Mr. K
What a great idea this was!
Swapping hearts and minds

Product of my Time
Form counts much more than content
Package overdone

Is the kitty skit
In the middle too jarring?
A nice change of pace?

My friend Jay wrote it
Long before he met us: me,
And my cat, Holden.
posted by jpoulos at 1:14 PM on March 26, 2002

Hmm. Don't remember
The kitty skit, but I was
On the phone briefly.

Perhaps the kitty
Drifted past my ears like a
Silent feline ghost.
posted by Kafkaesque at 2:52 PM on March 26, 2002

Bliss it is and this is why today is the day I've posted less in all my time here. I mean the Walrus CD, sleekly packaged in a Formula 1 sleeve. Mysterious, that. But what glee! Real dance music, memories of the Haçienda in Manchester and why I love British music. Too cool for words. Thanks, Walrus - I see your poetry extends to everything you touch, as happens only with the genuine poet. :)

Meanwhile, I have a suspicion supposedly misanthropic Kafkaesque has actually tailored his CDs to each one of us, as there's no Leonard Cohen on mine. I mean, he's not preaching to the converted, thank you very much.

posted by MiguelCardoso at 3:28 PM on March 26, 2002

If you're referring to my comment about Leonard Cohen, Miguel, I'm afraid I wasn't clear. There's no actual Cohen on mine. I meant only that many of the songs sound Cohen-esque. Again, I say, what a great experience this is!
posted by jpoulos at 8:52 PM on March 26, 2002

I feel like I'm being ridiculously antisocial, here, not to mention missing out on the fun.
Miguel, Goneill, I put together a mix disc, so if you'd still like to email me your address, we can swap after all. Obviously, it's just as easy for me to burn ten discs as it is to burn two, so if anyone else would like one, go ahead and email me, I'd love to send you one. Please don't feel like you have to burn me one if you want one of mine, I realize I'm very late to the party here. Next time, I'll participate on schedule.

Also, goneill, I'll school mlang but good in the dark art of jiggy only if he promises to wear that sexy, sexy band outfit.
posted by dong_resin at 9:40 PM on March 26, 2002

ok I have a confession to make.... I burned half of the discs(4) when my BACKUP burner went out so my stuff will be going out very late (I'll throw in a second disc if that helps)
posted by tj at 11:57 PM on March 26, 2002

I got your CD too, jpoulos. Luvverly stuff, kits, skits and all. I got one song off the same record as you, and a couple featuring similar artists. Nothing exactly the same though. Nice, tight mix. I've enjoyed all of them so much, now. Can't wait for the next one.

sleekly packaged in a Formula 1 sleeve. Mysterious, that

You all got different packaging ;-)

Glad you liked the tunes, Miguel. dr I have e-d you. Beware.
posted by walrus at 3:50 AM on March 27, 2002

and i see that no expense was spared on the packaging walrus ;). i'm realizing that this cd swap was a great idea. so far, not a bad one in the bunch. if i had a cd changer in the car, it would be filled with (to borrow jpoulo's term) mixes from the mefi mob.
posted by eyeballkid at 5:28 PM on March 27, 2002

I'm loving the mix, walrus. Can you send a tracklist?
posted by jpoulos at 6:20 PM on March 27, 2002

tracklist tracklist - it was in kafka's rules.

back from dublin, going to get this show on the road.
posted by goneill at 9:22 AM on March 28, 2002

dr. please, my email is available for you all. i will email everyone everyone's addresses if anyone wants to send dr a disk.
posted by goneill at 9:23 AM on March 28, 2002

Great news, d_r! I'm really looking forward to your selection. As long as it makes me cry, laugh, dance, scream, horny, furious, then I'll know it's from you.

I'm feeling guilty here. I bought the very picturesque, almost medieval Portuguese padded envelopes yesterday(with a man on a horse blowing a feckin' bugle - how's that for the new frontier?)and have wiped my tongue clean of tastebuds with all the licking weird stamps with explorers and birds on them, in itty-bitty 00,1 and 0,03 euros denominations. Y'all get four stamps, with the full Cardoso DNA, so watch for paper cuts lest you unaccountably become pregnant with my child or something.

The problem is the country has shut down for Easter so they'll only go out on Monday, but with a kooky "Air Priority" sticker for extra speed, they should reach you in a few days.

Meanwhile I switch between K, EBC, W and CC according to my moods. CC makes me maudlin, W makes me happy, K makes me think and EBC makes me feel so young!
posted by MiguelCardoso at 10:02 AM on March 28, 2002

You down with EBC?
posted by Kafkaesque at 11:55 AM on March 28, 2002

Apperently, miguel thinks of me as the EyeBallChild.
posted by eyeballkid at 12:24 PM on March 28, 2002

I have a question:
how do you rip records
i suspect vinyl.
posted by goneill at 2:08 PM on March 28, 2002

record ripping here
need to get a turntable
have LPs, can't hear
posted by eyeballkid at 2:23 PM on March 28, 2002


you think Matt ever reads the silly threads before he axes them? I bet he never even comes down here to the basement. he probably hates me.
posted by ColdChef at 6:57 PM on March 28, 2002

I think he definitely read that one, and I woulda axed it too. Now be quiet, Chef. If he knows you're here he'll....
posted by Kafkaesque at 7:49 PM on March 28, 2002

You know he has a deleted comment counter, don't you? I suspect there are more ColdChef DCs than anyone else's. Honestly, how can you expect him to like you? And yet today - well today you inaugurated a whole new genre, which was doubleposting on purpose so you could go wild on your own thread. This was brilliant but I'm still taking it to MeTa as I'd like Matt's opinion on this. ;)
posted by MiguelCardoso at 8:15 PM on March 28, 2002

You have to admit ColdChef. It's difficult being the haikupancakebunny king.
posted by eyeballkid at 7:45 AM on March 29, 2002

Rein in those Haikus!
Got to get them in here where
They will all be safe!
posted by Kafkaesque at 9:34 AM on March 29, 2002

Paper enables a certain kind of thinking. Picture, for instance, the top of your desk. Chances are that you have a keyboard and a computer screen off to one side, and a clear space roughly eighteen inches square in front of your chair. What covers the rest of the desktop is probably piles of papers, journals, magazines, binders, postcards, videotapes, and all the other artifacts of the knowledge economy. The piles look like a mess, but they aren't. From The New Yorker.
posted by ColdChef at 9:01 AM PST (66 comments total)
Finally! An excuse to not file my papers. I'd print this out and save it...but I'd probably lose it.
posted by ColdChef at 9:05 AM PST on March 28

My papers are obsesively organized in a time-ranked fashion based on time of last access. There is no substitute.
posted by NortonDC at 9:15 AM PST on March 28

Actually, this is a double post. It's a great example though of the same organizational issues discussed in the article.
posted by pomegranate at 9:37 AM PST on March 28

The piles look like a mess, but they aren't.

Oh yes they are. I recently moved a whole apartment's paper content to a warehouse, eleven year's worth of scribblings, newspapers, manuscripts, print-outs - and I haven't missed anything yet. Real writers and readers produce way too much paper to organize in any useful way. Time spent filing is time not reading and writing. Malcolm Gladwell, as usual, has taken an old chestnut(there will never be a paperless office)and spit-polished it in the hope it'll shine. Bah!
posted by MiguelCardoso at 9:45 AM PST on March 28

I thought I was the only one generating this paper-y mess. Thanks for the validation! I'll print this article out (hee hee) and show it to my boss the next time he complains about my messy desk.
posted by Lynsey at 9:49 AM PST on March 28

I have to have scads and scads of scrap paper near at hand wherever I go. If there's none around I'll look until I find some. I am not complete without stacks of fresh looseleaf or used-on-one-side-only printer paper at my disposal at all times.

You know that image of PigPen from Peanuts - surrounded by swirling winds of dirt and dust wherever he goes? That's me, only with paper.
posted by iconomy at 10:46 AM PST on March 28

this doublepost is
more proof that coldchef is a
punk motherfucker.
posted by mlang at 10:56 AM PST on March 28

miss a few days
and you look like a newbie
curse my doublepost
posted by ColdChef at 11:09 AM PST on March 28

love hate afair with paper. I file it and then I throw it away slowly, but I need a pad at hand with which to scribble daily notes. I have almost a paperless office, but I throw away tons.

I also really hate the way that paper doesn't line up. Like I have all of these scraps of paper with little ditties that I have written but I don't know how to organize them so I feel overwhelmed. I wish I could fall back on my bed right now I am in such despair. But I am at work and my herman miller chair doesn't allow such.
posted by goneill at 11:19 AM PST on March 28

mlang's just jealous
cuz his wife gets all giddy
when coldchef walks by...

posted by jpoulos at 11:21 AM PST on March 28

small slip of paper
g 's email address on it
slipped into my palm
posted by ColdChef at 11:29 AM PST on March 28

newbies aren't bad peeps
we simply get a bad rep
because of the trolls
posted by BlueTrain at 11:30 AM PST on March 28

S.O.s don't notice
"It's late. Are you still working?"
we speak in whispers
posted by ColdChef at 11:31 AM PST on March 28

inside the doomed thread
my heart is laid open, bare
he'll never find out
posted by ColdChef at 11:34 AM PST on March 28

arms around my screen
lips pressed to her glassy face
has she done the same?
posted by ColdChef at 11:36 AM PST on March 28

why not use the style
iambic pentameter
instead of haiku
posted by BlueTrain at 11:36 AM PST on March 28

I summoned the Matt™
soon this thread will be ether
my heart is a rock
posted by ColdChef at 11:38 AM PST on March 28

you're a sick bastard
ColdChef, yet I cannot help
but to keep reading
posted by BlueTrain at 11:40 AM PST on March 28

swiftness is the key
time is fleeting. seize the thread
syllables are hard
posted by ColdChef at 11:41 AM PST on March 28

i suggest that we
continue the poetry
until we are axed
posted by BlueTrain at 11:43 AM PST on March 28

oh good God this is
liberating at the least
Woo! I love MeFi
posted by BlueTrain at 11:44 AM PST on March 28


posted by Mars Saxman at 11:45 AM PST on March 28

love gives no reply
soon my words will all be gone
gone but not goneill
posted by ColdChef at 11:46 AM PST on March 28

though coworkers stare
my music blares loud and proud
i will dance for her
posted by ColdChef at 11:49 AM PST on March 28

love is illusive
we must strive to discover
more masturbation
posted by BlueTrain at 11:50 AM PST on March 28

papers are scattered
this thread has gone from order
to abject chaos

on desktop I stand
and do my silly dancing
I'm fired for sure now
posted by ColdChef at 11:51 AM PST on March 28

now I'm half undressed
campus police on the way
shoot me, but I'll dance
posted by ColdChef at 11:53 AM PST on March 28

i'll hire you ColdChef
to cook and write poetry
and to dance for me
posted by BlueTrain at 11:55 AM PST on March 28

I shout that, "It's SPRING!"
but office mates stay away
let's celebrate LIFE!

fear drains their faces
it's like that happy hour
when I kissed the boss
posted by ColdChef at 11:56 AM PST on March 28

But now I must part
My monkey is tired from all
of this haikuing
posted by BlueTrain at 11:57 AM PST on March 28

sirens wail outside
coeds stare through the window
time for me to leave
posted by ColdChef at 11:59 AM PST on March 28

"I did it for you!"
screaming fills the cubicles
padded cell awaits
posted by ColdChef at 12:00 PM PST on March 28

I offer service
Representation for you
ColdChef, I work cheap
posted by Dreama at 12:06 PM PST on March 28

love for "gone" is gone
she never loved me for real
I dream-a Dreama
posted by ColdChef at 12:10 PM PST on March 28

I want you to know
I have just saved this thread -
future blackmailing
posted by iconomy at 12:37 PM PST on March 28

what - but i love
you dear chef i can't
even count syllables
i'm so depressed right now
posted by goneill at 12:42 PM PST on March 28

we had something dear -
just a few hours of work
and your gone bye bye
posted by goneill at 12:43 PM PST on March 28

is your love fleeting
dear chef? I kiss my mon-tor
but still no return?
posted by goneill at 12:45 PM PST on March 28

i take it all back
please forgive my straying ways
to me, she meant nil
posted by ColdChef at 12:45 PM PST on March 28

jpolous: mlang's
not my husband,
(just joking mlang)
posted by goneill at 12:46 PM PST on March 28

holy fucking shit!
right in front of me, even!
goodbye cru-el world!
posted by mlang at 12:46 PM PST on March 28

my darling your back!
i have missed you my sweetheart!
mine forever more!
posted by goneill at 12:47 PM PST on March 28

holy fuckign shit is not a good first line of a haiku
posted by goneill at 12:48 PM PST on March 28

so, what do you think
about my LBJ look?
what you expected?
posted by ColdChef at 12:48 PM PST on March 28

that's mon'tor, goneill.
flaming passions don't excuse
contraction missteps.
posted by mlang at 12:50 PM PST on March 28

You people are nuts
Don't any of you have jobs?
Oh. "service" people.
posted by yhbc at 12:50 PM PST on March 28

that last haiku was
for the chef, not mlang I
declare my love to

the highest hilltop
all bookmarks forevermore
are now for the chef!

mlang never knew
the glory that was the birds
of curacao. Phony
posted by goneill at 12:52 PM PST on March 28

more beautiful yet
handsome than I could have thought
You are the cold chef
posted by goneill at 12:54 PM PST on March 28

our forbidden love
must be kept a secret from
the jealous Miguel
posted by ColdChef at 12:55 PM PST on March 28

mlang's really not
my husband he isn't the
prim'ry bread winner
posted by goneill at 12:55 PM PST on March 28

miguel is not here
alas, for he enjoys a
scandalous haiku
posted by goneill at 12:56 PM PST on March 28

and what about her?
does my betrothed fit into
triangular love?
posted by ColdChef at 12:56 PM PST on March 28

evanizer is
willing to switch teams for her
he said so himself
posted by ColdChef at 12:57 PM PST on March 28

of course! we'll meet at
your wedding - by my count it
is a pentagon
posted by goneill at 1:00 PM PST on March 28

yes - we all will switch
all teams for all wives and others
i forgot mr. resin.
posted by goneill at 1:01 PM PST on March 28

your s.o.'s with me!
you have wounded her deeply.
i satisfy needs.
posted by mlang at 1:02 PM PST on March 28

old style gang bangin'
this is getting too complex
adultry's crazy!
posted by ColdChef at 1:02 PM PST on March 28

dong, oh dong where art
though? you are sorely miss'ed
when your not around
posted by goneill at 1:02 PM PST on March 28

haikus making head spin
metafilter peyton place
I should get out more
posted by jonmc at 1:03 PM PST on March 28

this bandwidth sucking
i fear will anger our host
we should wrap this up
posted by ColdChef at 1:03 PM PST on March 28

damn proxy server!
posting is impossible;
it takes many tries.
posted by mlang at 1:04 PM PST on March 28

goodbye my sweet loves
no bang has ensued. We await
wedding invitat'ns.

Not a real hit to server this is.
posted by goneill at 1:05 PM PST on March 28

i'll abid you adieu
for i have work i must do
my love remains true
posted by ColdChef at 1:06 PM PST on March 28

my job interferes.
aforementioned problems, plus
must perform duties.
posted by mlang at 1:06 PM PST on March 28

coldchef's a genius.
he deserves my girlfriend's love.
haiku tour-de-force!
posted by mlang at 1:06 PM PST on March 28

job here too. I will
miss you, kisses etc
all around, again.
posted by goneill at 1:07 PM PST on March 28
posted by mlang at 1:21 PM on March 29, 2002

posted by Kafkaesque at 1:25 PM on March 29, 2002

[this is bad]
posted by jpoulos at 1:28 PM on March 29, 2002

i hope you all know
that this will go down on your
per-ma-nent record!
posted by mlang at 1:39 PM on March 29, 2002

Why don't you post deleted threads on your own blog, mlang? That was taken down by the owner of the site. I take that to mean that he didn't want it on his site. Now you put it back. Great idea.
posted by Kafkaesque at 1:42 PM on March 29, 2002

kafkaesque, my friend:
i was only following
your fine instructions.
posted by mlang at 1:58 PM on March 29, 2002

This proud thread, once a
Beacon of fun goofiness
Now become painful.
posted by Kafkaesque at 2:24 PM on March 29, 2002

methinks dear mlang
you misunderstood our friend
haiku, don't rehash
posted by eyeballkid at 2:25 PM on March 29, 2002

don't be a brat, k.
no way to frighten newbies
by posting that here.
posted by mlang at 2:34 PM on March 29, 2002

posted by Kafkaesque at 2:39 PM on March 29, 2002

what's that, mister k?
you act dismissive and rude?
you should have typed '*yawn*'.
posted by mlang at 2:45 PM on March 29, 2002


you've wiped your asses
with the red toilet paper
of my poor black heart

humble hidden thread
dark thoughtful place of the web
we barely knew ye
posted by dong_resin at 4:12 PM on March 29, 2002

meant to be funny;
thought you'd all be pleased, not pissed.
i apologize.
posted by mlang at 5:13 PM on March 30, 2002

online newspaper
satire 'pure comedy gold'
NEW LINK: the onion
posted by mlang at 5:25 PM on March 30, 2002

Disgruntled and chastised and betrayed by the K, ColdChef checks out the new front-page haiku threads.
posted by MiguelCardoso at 6:35 PM on March 31, 2002

Has the chef left us?
I miss him so much it hurts.
I'm sure K does too.
posted by goneill at 6:38 AM on April 1, 2002

on television:
oh my god...they killed coldchef!
you bastards! (south park)
posted by mlang at 8:03 AM on April 1, 2002

Betrayal? Never
Would I Brutus-ize a
fellow haiku man.
posted by Kafkaesque at 11:53 AM on April 1, 2002

mind (mine) exploding
an ill contempt, oh yeah
a screaming phrase

a blue surge burning
blue burn lines form man's short view
this controls my mind.
posted by dong_resin at 12:47 PM on April 1, 2002

fresh, new perspective:
comic skewers current war.
eh, fuck it. i quit.
posted by gassire at 5:44 AM on April 2, 2002

I still think that thing is a hoot.
posted by dong_resin at 7:55 AM on April 2, 2002

Sweet Jolly Cold Chef
Has he taken a prior leave?
Will he return soon?

He has the answers
But he doesn't share with us.
We are left alone.
posted by goneill at 3:11 PM on April 2, 2002

go swing up, swing down
swing back n' forth, swing all `round
go Clan McManic
posted by dong_resin at 2:10 PM on April 4, 2002

We hate proddy fucks.
Do you support the rangers?
Dong_Resin, or celts?
posted by goneill at 5:22 PM on April 4, 2002

posted by dong_resin at 8:55 PM on April 4, 2002

Still lonely corner
Hidden from hurtful front page
But Cold Chef is gone.

Work, yes, is painful
and the filter keeps calling
"poke your nose back in"

Home life? Who needs it!
and co-workers are all fools
Here, there is solace.

But like a crystal
The community expands
even in darkness.

Rest now, great poet
Trees still fall in the forest
and nothing is heard.

- Rank Amateur (but oddly inspired)
posted by yhbc at 8:59 PM on April 4, 2002

The Filter today
has left me with two questions
which I shall address.

Trolling bunnyfire
Makes Great Sport - I think
She's Metatrolling

The world's greatest troll!
Is it possible? Or true?
Not like we believe?

Cold Chef must come back
This place has gone straight to prose
We try, but we fail.

Count days departed
Makes a lonely soul of us
together, alone
posted by goneill at 9:17 PM on April 4, 2002

What drama! *Vows to
Keep up with thread, or suffer
The consequences*

Here's hoping missed ones
Return, and the goofiness
Is restored once more.

Seven out of ten
Lurkers agree: it's best for
All involved. Come on.
posted by D at 10:08 PM on April 4, 2002

Great elegy, D, for the much missed Chef, culled in his prime by K's inadvertent kitchen knife.

Meanwhile, if life is to continue in any form at all, I declare jpoulo's cosmopolitan mix received with thanks - a Playboy Mansion West musical philosophy for the present decade's terminally hep. Tart, yet luscious - a bit like the man himself.

I also declare only this afternoon I have expedited my picturesque little packages and, my obligation thus discharged, I feel free to join in and wail:

I miss ColdChef!
posted by MiguelCardoso at 7:14 AM on April 5, 2002

I can't beleive the chef is moonlighting on cnn. that's awful. COME BACK TO US ColdChef. Please,

I'm making CD's this weekend - never fear .
posted by goneill at 11:00 AM on April 5, 2002

Cubans are genius.
Black beans and rice collide with
small, evil coffee.

Surprised that Miguel
and Walrus have no CDs
yet / stupid Easter.

Domestic CDs
went out yesterday morning
`bout two days to go.

quite easy for me
if other Americans
should want one, also.

posted by dong_resin at 12:12 PM on April 5, 2002

Had to see Blade 2.
*sigh* I get what I deserve.
Teach me to go out.

Dozed for two hours
I left knowing only this :
Wesley Snipes is Blade.
posted by dong_resin at 12:25 PM on April 5, 2002

That was all a fairly pointless waste of space, wasn't it.
posted by dong_resin at 5:07 PM on April 5, 2002

Complaints of bit rate;
Fighting over small spaces
Takes up more bandwidth.
posted by goneill at 5:40 PM on April 6, 2002

Less parsimony
could result in breathing space?
Hurrah! Let's wallow ...

Chef laments may be
written out on rice paper
with nice, flavoured ink,

and sent on to me.
I have always relied on the
kindness of oysters.

p s, dong_resin,
I have your musical friends
under secure guard.

Expect a raid on
your own aural headquarters,
when you least expect.

posted by walrus at 12:35 AM on April 7, 2002

Kickass, Walrus, but I was referring to the disc...
why am I whispering?

I was referring to the disc that I sent you. You can track global priority packages, and both yours and Miguel's are just sitting there, in London.
They shouldn't let TypeA pricks like myself know such things.
Driving me up the fucking wall, it is.
posted by dong_resin at 6:54 AM on April 7, 2002

No, no ... it's in my CD player, I assure you. Very cool, thanks!
posted by walrus at 11:12 AM on April 7, 2002

Well, good.
And bizarre. You'd think they'd indicate delivery.
posted by dong_resin at 11:39 AM on April 7, 2002

DR - A little bird indicates mine will arrive tomorrow. WTF should packages to Portugal go to London first? Lisbon is much nearer. I bet it's so Walrus can pick out the one with the most appealing cover and the extra track? And was he at least kind enough to be a bit more specific about the kind of music offered? Was he fuck! Just "very cool" to us third-worlders. Waaahhh!
posted by MiguelCardoso at 1:05 PM on April 7, 2002

never understand
strange mailroom complexities
might explain shootings

no need to wonder
what tracks you've gotten, Miguel
mostly christian rock
posted by dong_resin at 2:33 PM on April 7, 2002

"It's none too clean and none too pleasant, but you're soaking in it - dong resin!(...)Dee Oh En Gee - reminding you the future ain't what it used to be, but the past gets better and better every day..."

A masterpiece, dong_resin. What a rocket! Took me back and forward till I was dizzy. Hey, write a book on compilation skills and get rich. Real thanks. Very humbled, yours truly, Miguel. :)
posted by MiguelCardoso at 2:37 PM on April 9, 2002

miguel cardosa,
I tell everyone I know
that you write novels.

My Portuguese friend
He is a famous author
I met him online

Is this fact? Fiction?
Are there specific titles
You would recommend?

Yes, I have a friend
Who can read in Portuguese.
I met him at work.

Do we have a chance
of translation, anytime?
I wonder, Miguel.
posted by goneill at 10:40 AM on April 10, 2002

I'm sorry Miguel. I'll try to pull together one you like next time.
The urge to mail you nothing but death metal was overwhelming, you know.
posted by dong_resin at 10:45 AM on April 10, 2002

dong_resin, did you know that I listen to 'your' music? Did you know? Can we be joined, as one, in perpetuity? We will wait to see if you enjoy mine as much as I did yours. Once it comes that is.
posted by goneill at 10:51 AM on April 10, 2002

Goneill: No, it seems like I'm very much a local flavour, like boiled peanuts. But I'll send you some books with the next CD, strictly for showing-off purposes. They were all reissued with spanking new covers this month and have American-style stickers with "17th edition" and other impressive stuff on them.

Resina_sardal: Heh. Wait till you get mine. Then you'll know how infantile death metal is, compared to real suffering and pain set to sombre music. You know, this CD swappage thing - yeah, shit, I'm afraid I might take a while here, please feel free to scarper - has been very interesting, inasmuch as there aren't any cultural or age barriers.

Kafkaesque's CD is "great songs for all eternity, with no compromises". Jpoulos's CD is like "the hits I didn't know were my greatest till I heard them again". He's truly transatlantic. Walrus's is "wonderful music you've missed since you stopped listening to anything newer than Radiohead and quit dancing". Eyeballkid's is "it's not too late to be cool again" music. Dong's is half music-of-my-youth and half music-I-managed-to-avoid-the-first-time round. It's cleverly compiled as you can't take one without the other.

ColdChef's CD, on the other hand, is...different and charming and far-out. The only one I'd say was American in an unexpected way. Or foreign. So it seems like there's some kind of very close common culture here. At least before Goneill's jigs and reels start making their way towards us. As for that renegade tj, the less said the better.
posted by MiguelCardoso at 11:27 AM on April 10, 2002

That's an interesting characterization, Miguel, seeing as to me, it's just what's in my disc player, and, evidently, Goneill's.
We've got, like, half a planet and `bout twenty years between us, yet we're having 50% similar youths.
posted by dong_resin at 11:50 AM on April 10, 2002

big fan of electronic
walrus captivates
posted by dong_resin at 11:58 AM on April 10, 2002

Hey! I forgot Dong!
Am I too late for dong tunes?
Dong dong dong dong dong!
posted by Kafkaesque at 4:10 PM on April 10, 2002

Absolutely not, Kafka.
Email me your address, and the disc on it's way.

Same goes for any american*, here, part of the cabal or not.

* I'm sorry to prejudice against you people across whatever pond, normally it wouldn't be a problem but I can mail domestic packages right from my apartment, while the post office needed for international packages is a bit of a drive, and I'm ridiculously busy these days.
I think I got all you guys, anyway.
Also, your countries are just laughably inferior,
and mostly smell like Ella Fitzgeralld's pre-amputative, diabetes-gnarled feet.

posted by dong_resin at 8:22 PM on April 10, 2002

Eyeballkid's is "it's not too late to be cool again" music.

Miguel, you misunderstand. In no universe would I be considered "cool."
posted by eyeballkid at 8:59 PM on April 10, 2002

...and the disc is on it's way.

Leaving out key words is bordering on a becoming a stylistic decision for me.
The fact is, I just never learned to read. My life is a lie.
posted by dong_resin at 9:00 PM on April 10, 2002

(ps donger, I'll send you mine if you send me yours)
posted by eyeballkid at 9:00 PM on April 10, 2002

If you mean discs, then yes.
If you mean the taxidermied head of the annoying little dog that shrieks at me every night around 3 am, regardless of the fact that I've lived here for years and it should know me by now, then yes.
posted by dong_resin at 9:10 PM on April 10, 2002

See what a bit of promotion can do, dong? Now everybody wants one. Oh and that bit about having to drive for miles to reach that sophisticated, parisian-café style post office that has the know-how to deal with those difficult, confusing non-domestic packages with funny addresses in foreign languages...priceless!
posted by MiguelCardoso at 3:38 AM on April 11, 2002

i will forward your disk to miguel or whoever, donggee
posted by goneill at 7:03 AM on April 11, 2002

whose dick do i have to suck to get a copy of this thing?
posted by mlang at 8:47 AM on April 11, 2002

um that's 'whomever'
posted by goneill at 9:02 AM on April 11, 2002

Say, goneill that's sweet, but I've already mailed out to...
Wait... are offering to be a drug mule? Cause that could work out for us both.

Also Miguel, read your last post back to yourself, but picture a cinderblock building with no floor, and rats the size of Telly Savalas. Now picture it one full hour east from the rest of civilization, vs. the mailbox right outside my door, that has an outgoing mail slot.
Now picture James Doohan in a tutu, making out with Jack Valenti.

Just email me your address, mlang, then suck the pope's dick.
You're on the honor system.
posted by dong_resin at 9:11 AM on April 11, 2002

ps, I've sent out about ten of these things now, and they get a bit altered every time as I get more and more bored with the same tunes, so yours are all slightly different.
Sure to become collectors items after I snap and throw some hand grenades into the Wendy's.

posted by dong_resin at 9:18 AM on April 11, 2002

Does Canada count as domestic? You know, because we're just that bit of land between the mainland and Alaska.
Just wondering.
posted by nprigoda at 10:11 AM on April 11, 2002

Why should I trust mlang to send a disc when I still don't have goneill's?
posted by jpoulos at 10:15 AM on April 11, 2002

Nprigoda, you don't, but if you'd like a disc also, it's not a problem. The margarine and secondhand behives I'd wanted to send you, however, is. Email me your address if you'd like a disc.
posted by dong_resin at 11:04 AM on April 11, 2002

mlang and nprigoda: same here. Email me your addresses and fresh copies of "April in Portugal for Swingers Only" will be dispatched forthwith.
posted by MiguelCardoso at 12:02 PM on April 11, 2002

Everyday I go to my mail box expecting a package from goneill or Miguel and everyday I see a deep, empty tin box that echoes when I sob into it.
posted by eyeballkid at 1:49 PM on April 11, 2002

You should never have bought those Polk speakers, EBK. Now no one will respect you anymore. Anyway, I was assured my CD would hit the American shore by Monday at the latest. But with those speakers...well, I just don't know...sorry, pal! ;)
posted by MiguelCardoso at 2:59 PM on April 11, 2002

cool! I'm so excited! So who would like one back?
Let's see, what have I got here... smooth house tracks, uncluttered folk, jumpy pop stuff... take your pick!
posted by nprigoda at 3:15 PM on April 11, 2002

Wow, Cardoso can really turn on you in 24 hours. First my taste in music is cool, now he want's nothing to do with me. (BTW, Miguel, are we invited to your little shindig in July? That Village House is sweet.*evil smirk*)
posted by eyeballkid at 3:22 PM on April 11, 2002

Shindig , eh?
I'll bring the hamsters and rubber tubing.
posted by dong_resin at 4:06 PM on April 11, 2002

I demand lackadaisical pop stuff, dirty house tracks and abrasive folk. Am I out of luck?

Hamsters and rubber tubing?

What's your record Dong? I got one about 75 yards last time before the cops got me.
posted by Kafkaesque at 4:18 PM on April 11, 2002

Well, I only got one 13 inches in, but I'd call that a personal best.
posted by dong_resin at 4:57 PM on April 11, 2002

BTW, Miguel, are we invited to your little shindig in July?

Why you...I...I mean...gulp...I knew you were a man of many talents and a dancer to be courted and envied...but...well I never...that groovy shindig is my blog's get-together in the heart of Port wine country. Vintage House(not Village, you xenophobe!) is a wonderful inn where a lot of drinking, eating, swimming and canoodling is par for the course.

EBK: for a man who rises at three in the afternoon and claims to buy shite speakers, you sure hit a lot of European websites and know a lot of foreign languages. Don't tell me Babelfish did it for you. Hmmm. ColdChef was right - you are a nark.

Of course you're all invited. But you must bring good cheese or wine. I wish you could. I mean, I love the U.S. and all that, but you have no idea how the quality of life takes precedence over everything in laid-back, anything-goes, sexy, foxy little Portugal.

75% of my +2k blog members are girls, by the way! But only about 100 will be going. The ugly, intelligent ones. The rest of them will be fascinating drunks much like us. :)
posted by MiguelCardoso at 7:28 PM on April 11, 2002

Here's the place where the shindig - think Dick Clark without the Clark - will take place. Eat your hearts out, after that sullen, pink dive in Los Angeles...
posted by MiguelCardoso at 7:32 PM on April 11, 2002

BTW Miguel, I prefer "narc" not "nark" as in narcotics officer. And that's Special Agent EyeballK!d to you.
posted by eyeballkid at 7:45 PM on April 11, 2002

OK, EyeballK!d. Too many Freak Bros comics made me do it, Special Agent, sir! Narc it is.

Though I must say I was *initiate Margaret Rutherford accent* quite taken aback by that capital K and the groovy ! instead of the habitual i in your new EyeballK!d monicker. I beseech you: are you quite sure you want to make this tumultuous change so far into the proceedings of our common friendship? ;)
posted by MiguelCardoso at 7:56 PM on April 11, 2002

Hey lads - Miguel - remember that whole "conference" that you mentioned in Metatalk? I've been thinking about it - and it sounds like a good idea. Were you kidding? or could you really set one up? I would like to pop over for a quick drink if you have the time, sometime this summer. It would be fun to have a Lisbon MeFi gathering, no?
posted by goneill at 9:46 AM on April 12, 2002

I was kidding, goneill - but it could be done. It would be far too much work, though. Still...it's a good pipedream and you never know what turns up. :)
posted by MiguelCardoso at 10:09 AM on April 12, 2002

too bad about the conference, but goneill and i are actually planning to be in lisbon some weekend late in may/early in june. would we be able to visit you and schwepps_girl? we'll bring a bottle of sandeman 30 yo if that will help.
posted by mlang at 11:37 AM on April 12, 2002

also, none of you really want to get goneill's cd, trust me.
posted by mlang at 11:38 AM on April 12, 2002

she played it for me...and it's all creed. including some of their early stuff, before they 'got all commercial'.
posted by mlang at 11:39 AM on April 12, 2002

When I have kids, I'm going to cut their hair to look exactly like Scott Stapp's.

Mostly because I hate children.
posted by dong_resin at 1:34 PM on April 12, 2002

as is my usual habit, I checked my mail before leaving for work today (I rolled out of bed earlier than usual, noon). lo and behold, there was an envelope from Portugal, complete with a hand-written note (the ink still wet, it smeared in my hand) and a cd from (not "by", you'll see what I mean) Miguel. thank you sir. it is a wonderful cd.
posted by eyeballkid at 3:05 PM on April 12, 2002

wait, i may have jumped the gun, Miguel's name does appear on the cd. so, scratch that, this is really a mix by Miguel. my cd mix creation skills feel so inferior now
posted by eyeballkid at 3:59 PM on April 12, 2002

Hey, it's arrived! Did you really like it, eyeballkid? Honestly? And mlang and goneill are coming to visit! Thinks are looking up. You two give me the dates and anything you want doing, booking or looking into and Schweppes Girl and me will take care of everything.

Wonderful stuff! :)
posted by MiguelCardoso at 5:09 PM on April 12, 2002

honestly, yes. i saw Lisbon Story years ago, and I just chalked it up to another one of Wim Wender's astounding soundtracks. i can't believe i never bought the cd (i have the soundtracks to his others, usually it's nick cave, lou reed and/ or u2). had I done that, i'm sure I would have already bought this one. my god, her voice!
posted by eyeballkid at 5:55 PM on April 12, 2002

Well, The Madredeus disc arrived today.
You've sent me my favorite kind of music, Miguel, that being the kind that's 180 degrees from anything I own, and the sort that I'd never have run into on my own.
Sparse, mostly acoustic instrumentation behind the operatic singing voice of Teresa Salgueiro. Dreamy without being sappy, and genuinely otherworldly.
It's been rolling non-stop since it's arrival, three hours ago.

Tracks three (Oxalá) and nine (As Brumas do Futuro ) go on the next mix disc, next time I do this.

I don't know if the neighbors (who seem to favor Journey, Styx and, no kidding, Survivor) like Madredeus as much as I do, but they're certainly getting the chance to find out.
All night long, in fact, the bastards.

Much thanks!
(I steamed off the Pedro Nunes stamp and slid it in the rear cd case over the UPC symbol for added future exotic-ness. How cool is that?)
posted by dong_resin at 1:47 PM on April 13, 2002

These guys all wear too much black.

The future Mrs. Resin?
posted by dong_resin at 1:49 PM on April 13, 2002

I got Madredeus-ed yesterday. Very nice, Miguel.

I have to say you were absolutely spot-on in your liner notes. I couldn't agree more with what you said. Especially the squiggly thing over the n.

You said it, dong, with the "different" music label. I love receiving stuff I wouldn't have found otherwise, and that's not trying too desperately hard to be cool. Not that you're not cool or anything, Migster.

And yet...
posted by Kafkaesque at 3:13 PM on April 13, 2002

*warm glow*
posted by MiguelCardoso at 12:16 AM on April 14, 2002

I don't have time for this shit, you fucking maniacs.

Ah well.

Nipple tickles and chocolate kisses, nonetheless. Maybe someday I'll catch up.

In a massively arrogant Neale-esque sense, I still think of this as my thread, no matter now misguided that may be. I can't believe all the words that have been spoken here since last time I wandered by... carry on. But don't forget to bow to the Riff Lord. Wherever he is.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 7:50 AM on April 16, 2002

Riff Lord, silent watcher,
Has all eternity to spare.
Howl! Tathagata.
posted by Kafkaesque at 10:39 AM on April 16, 2002

Once again, your friendly
neighborhood stupid person
counts his poem wrong.
posted by Kafkaesque at 10:42 AM on April 16, 2002


Why is it I always miss out on the parties? I just can't seem to get the hang of them.

And this one has a soundtrack! (or six)

Marquis sniffles back to his quasilurking corner. Sighing.


i see the party
missed music and revelry
but i am alone
posted by Marquis at 10:19 AM on April 17, 2002

is he gone?
posted by Kafkaesque at 11:14 AM on April 18, 2002

shhh. no i think i hear him in the hall. damnit k, close the closet door and i'll try and keep the dog quiet.
posted by eyeballkid at 11:17 AM on April 18, 2002


And put that DOG down!

oh, you two are so busted ...

"Sarge! You won't believe what we had going on in here!"
posted by yhbc at 12:09 PM on April 18, 2002

oh, leave them alone. it's too late. [cries]
posted by Marquis at 4:03 PM on April 18, 2002

Here we write in rhymes
We do not use asterii
We write about life.
posted by goneill at 7:18 PM on April 18, 2002

His heart is like Ice
I still miss him, unending.
He cooks up a storm

He is my cold chef
There is none other, Rhyming
Just isn't the same.
posted by goneill at 7:20 PM on April 18, 2002

posted by jpoulos at 7:39 PM on April 18, 2002

* turns up nose at poetic pretension *

* shuffles nonchalantly, yet insouciantly, stage right *
posted by yhbc at 7:54 PM on April 18, 2002

jpoulos, I think that's :

"oh well,
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 9:16 PM on April 18, 2002

so sorry I caused
such a mi-ighty big fuss
pretty please, resume.
posted by goneill at 9:45 PM on April 18, 2002

this is what you want
(turn off the lights when you're done)
this is what you get
posted by dong_resin at 1:49 AM on April 19, 2002

jpoulos CD
chock full of beats and texture
plus tasty Dave Byrne
posted by dong_resin at 1:55 AM on April 19, 2002

haven't had a chance
to listen to donger's disc
expect review soon
posted by jpoulos at 6:17 AM on April 19, 2002

got dong's cd now
the phrase "you're soaking in it,
dong_resin" haunts me
posted by eyeballkid at 3:46 PM on April 19, 2002

It's like flag day in your mouth, all year long!
posted by dong_resin at 5:29 PM on April 19, 2002

It's like flag day in your mouth, all year long!
New Mefi tagline?

posted by eyeballkid at 5:49 PM on April 19, 2002

New Mefi tagline?
-New Mefi tagline?

posted by eyeballkid at 5:49 PM on April 19, 2002

"It's like flag day in your mouth, all year long!"© is the sole property of Resin_Brand®.
You are hereby requested to cease and desist all unauthorized usage.

"It's like St.Swithin's Day in your mouth, all year long!" is still available.
posted by dong_resin at 6:25 PM on April 19, 2002

eyeballkid CD
burns like the clap when I pee
kicks ass like Bruce Lee
posted by dong_resin at 4:39 PM on April 20, 2002

Kafka's black disc
cheerful, like a bad car wreck
your worst enemy's

so far, this disc swap
my changer is full of new
a genius idea
posted by dong_resin at 3:42 PM on April 23, 2002

I got a fistful
The other day: pleasing and
strangely quite supple.
posted by Kafkaesque at 4:18 PM on April 23, 2002

The most important thing on earth right now is that I get this point across :
fistful refers to the amount of whatever it is in one's fist, whereas a fist full refers to the fact that the fist is full of something, and has the mastabatory ring to it that I was going for.

Holly shit, I don't even want to think about the horrors of what it would be like, if I got even for one moment misunderstood, there. *pant*

Maybe I should stop buying coffee that looks like ground-up truck tires, just because it's 12 cents a pound.
My eyes don't even close when I sneeze anymore.

posted by dong_resin at 1:11 AM on April 24, 2002

my dear darling dong et al. I am so embarassed about my belated participation. I've been having a bit of touble with the cd burning installation that was due to take place, er, say, a month ago. Please trust that when you least expect it you will be given the lucious sounds of the grainne underground complete with punk rock chart topper circa 1979, and the wailing banshees of munster. Please, please, forgive me my trespasses, and rest assured that the U.S. Postal service and park bench industries will (eventually) provide.
posted by goneill at 8:05 PM on April 24, 2002

the sweet iorny
I was too busy to trade
you, goneill, swayed me
posted by dong_resin at 8:35 PM on April 24, 2002

Well, I've had goneill's CD for a month now - OK, it's a demo, but it's still the most beautiful and exciting soundtrack to life and love ever recorded. ;)
posted by MiguelCardoso at 2:19 AM on April 25, 2002

Miguel has maybe
been puffing on the hookah
a bit much today.
posted by Kafkaesque at 9:56 AM on April 25, 2002

Dog ate my burner
Excuse inappropriate
At such a late stage.

Apologies. Have
addresses, will send CDs
shortly, I promise.
posted by goneill at 7:11 PM on May 2, 2002

Thread decomposing,
rotten haiku fermenting.
Makes a tasty brew.
posted by walrus at 7:45 AM on May 17, 2002

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