"Bitten by a radioactive Bible..."
June 13, 2000 9:05 PM   Subscribe

"Bitten by a radioactive Bible..." Just...oh God, just go see this. I need to go defile something to get the stink of that web page off of me.
posted by Ezrael (21 comments total)
Okay, here's the deal. Apparently Willie Ames, fresh off a massive coke binge with Scott Baio or something, was stricken with an image of Jesus similar to the one that Saul of Tarsus recieved...except that, to my knowledge, Jesus didn't decide to play a cruel joke on Saul the way he did on poor dumb Willie. Now, dressed in a padded purple costume and weilding a leftover lightsaber, he defends...well, to be honest, I was busy convulsing with derisive laughter, and I'm not really sure what it is he defends.

My ribs hurt. A lot. Are there actually Christians out there who think this is going to somehow help them 'reach the kids?' A Bible-powered superhero? Who fights enemies who threaten his kid's church group? What kind of supervillain picks on a church group? This whole thing is just painfully absurd.

And to think, I thought Zapped was the nadir of his career...
posted by Ezrael at 9:14 PM on June 13, 2000

Ah. The purple padded crusader for Christ. Thanks for reminding me of this Ezrael. I needed a laugh.

Anyway, it's the same thing that's always gone on. They don't know whether this'll reach the kids. They don't understand their children. They're deeply afraid of their children. They'll try just about anything, no matter how stupid. Any ethnic/religious group, you'll see this, somewhere.
posted by Freakho at 9:37 PM on June 13, 2000

The thing that scares me is not that there are adults who think that this will impress kids...

but that they are *right*.

posted by baylink at 9:39 PM on June 13, 2000

Well, shiny objects, y'know. The (new) classic example being TRL. And that suit definitely can trump Britney's teeth any day.
posted by Freakho at 9:44 PM on June 13, 2000

Do you really think there's a Koranman out there somewhere?
posted by aaron at 10:40 PM on June 13, 2000

I meant to say something like this. And no, probably not. Unless Farrakahn qualifies?
posted by Freakho at 11:00 PM on June 13, 2000

I'm sorry, but now I want there to be a Quranman, and a Talmudman, and a Bhagavadgitaboy, and a Nag Hammadiman (who keeps trying to get Bibleman to admit that he's missing a whole lot of good stuff) and so on. They could have a secret headquarters where they fight crime and bicker about which one of them actually is the word of God.

Personally, my money's on Discordianwoman. Hail Eris! Her action figure is more fun, too.
posted by Ezrael at 11:03 PM on June 13, 2000

I wonder how Bibleman would do against Lice Rid Man, "the crappiest, least-enviable superhero ever" (according to misterpants).

posted by aaron at 11:17 PM on June 13, 2000

Oh, I forgot to add: Lice Rid Man's only superpower is Malathion. Though, since Malathion is a known neurotoxin, I suppose that would beat Bibleman, whose only superpower is a book.
posted by aaron at 11:24 PM on June 13, 2000

But could any of these costumed clowns take Triangle Man?
posted by harmful at 6:14 AM on June 14, 2000

a rematch against particle man.

ohh. at first I thought the superhero stuff was a spoof of some sort, sorta like that "friendly jesus" thing in dogma....
posted by tiaka at 7:10 AM on June 14, 2000

Personally, I'd like to see Bibleman try to defeat Necronomiconthing, but that's just me.

And for me, it's all about this quote:

"No other children's ministry more effectively combines live-action, special effects, lighting, effects, computer graphics, and digital audio effects to reach hearts for Jesus Christ."

Well, duh.
posted by solistrato at 7:40 AM on June 14, 2000

What kind of supervillain picks on a church group? This whole thing is just painfully absurd.

"Michael waited for a prayer group of 35 students to lift their bowed heads and say "Amen." He then took a fifth gun, a semiautomatic .22, from his backpack and fired off 12 shots, killing three students and wounding five."
posted by jamescblack at 8:34 AM on June 14, 2000

The Book of the Subgenius is my religious comic.
posted by GrahamVM at 9:02 AM on June 14, 2000

James, I agree that what happened to that particular church group was a horrible act, but are we defining that man as a supervillain? I think that Bibleman would find it difficult to stop a series of bullets with his padded pectoral muscles. To me, a Mass Murderer is in the realm of the hideously real, whereas a Supervillain who fires 'gossip rays' is entirely unreal.
posted by ab'd al'Hazred at 11:08 AM on June 14, 2000

I can't wait for the one where he battles Darwin.
posted by Nyarlathotep at 11:34 AM on June 14, 2000

Even cooler-- Willie Ames used to be the voice of Hank on the old Dungeons and Dragons cartoon!!!

Clearly, after this brush with THE WORK OF SATAN'S OWN HAND, Willie Ames must have turned to Jesus for forgiveness and repentance. I think we can all agree that his work as Bibleman certainly makes up for his previous career as a footman in the devil's army. ^_^
posted by wiremommy at 3:04 PM on June 14, 2000

So let's see if we're in agreement as to Bibleman's foes...quite a roster:

Necronomiconthing: A young upstart who somehow keeps coming up with new powers, and since no one has ever read a copy (that crappy paperback doesn't count) no one ever knows what it's going to do.

The Insidious Professor Darwin: While he swears up and down that he's a good Christian, you can't help but notice that he keeps trying to get people to believe that the world was made a long time before 4004 BC.

The Dobbsian Seven: Yeti's and Androids and trees, oh my!

Secular Humanist Boy and the Legion of Communist Crusaders: Really, these guy don't even need an explanation.

Any others?
posted by Ezrael at 3:26 PM on June 14, 2000

Oooh! Oooh! I nominate the sinister Doctor Freud! By eliminating the concept of Evil, this wicked Austrian--note the sinister, Satan-like goatee--has removed the godly fear of sin from the lives of millions!

Then there are the supervillains ruling the university elites and corrupting our youth--Moral Relativism Man, Promiscua, and the sinister Existentialist.

What about Agnosto and the League of Mainstream Protestants? All these forces must be destroyed by Bibleman. And quickly!
posted by snarkout at 5:06 PM on June 14, 2000

Bob is the only true religious superhero icon. All others must bow down before his psychic pstench. I am very offended that Willie Aimes would clutter the order of
Scoffers and Blasphemy, delving into Mockery Science, Sadofuturistics, Mega-physics, Scatalography, Schizophreniatrics, Morealism, Sarcastrophy, Cynisacreligion, Apocolyptionomy, ESPectorationalism, HypnoPediatrics, Subliminalism, Satyriology, DistoUtopianity, Sardonicology, Fasciest-iouism, Ridiculophagy, and Miscellaneous Theology.

These are the realms of the one true Epopt. All other religions are to take themselves seriously, and suffer the torment of not being taken seriously by the Bob.

When religions unworthy of soiling themselves start purposefully becoming a laughing stock of all that is normal and boring, it threatens to make TRUE EVANGELICAL fingerpointing to horseshit obsolete.

This could KILL OUR MINISTRY. It must be stopped. Only SubGeniuses can walk around calling themselves BibleMen (in a feeble attempt to pick up women of course). When Willie Aimes does it, well it just takes all the fun out of it. Dammit.

BIBLEMAN MUST DIE! Hep me somebody! Let there be slack! Peform the SALUTE! EIYIYIYIYIYIYIY!! blah blah blah... oh the hell with it.

I'm gonna go get a lemon beer.
posted by ZachsMind at 2:23 PM on June 15, 2000

posted by wiremommy at 3:45 PM on June 15, 2000

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