Microsoft is hoarding child prodigies in order to breed the next Bill.

August 2, 2001 6:21 PM

Microsoft is hoarding child prodigies in order to breed the next Bill. You heard me.
posted by tweebiscuit (19 comments total)

Hmm.. "published April 1-7, 1999."
posted by zempf at 6:32 PM on August 2, 2001

read the "corrections" section, that's the best part.
posted by chrisege at 6:42 PM on August 2, 2001

Hrm. I just read through that entire article, then I get down to the "corrections" paragraph which basically says "none of that stuff was true." So I guess there is no Rupert?
posted by tomorama at 6:44 PM on August 2, 2001

Lol, that was wonderful. You knew something was amiss... there was just enough impetous to read the corrections. I love it.
posted by Ptrin at 6:49 PM on August 2, 2001

my favorite part...
Rupert set about to solve the problem. Working with the remnants of an old biofeedback machine discarded by a local drug store, he rewired the TV remote to pick up commands directly from Grandma's brain.

old biofeedback machine discarded by the drugstore? excellent.
posted by designflea at 6:57 PM on August 2, 2001

I remember when this first came out (on 1 April 99). Pretty much every web board I visited then was talking about it, since there was no "corrections" until the next week. Really well-written fluke. It had me duped.
posted by Kevs at 7:14 PM on August 2, 2001

whenever i start reading an article like this i immediately scroll to the end to look for the "this certainly seems like it may be true but it isn't" or some other bullshit to let you know that the entire article was a joke. it saves me a lot of time instead of reading 4 pages of fictitious shit.
posted by suprfli at 7:17 PM on August 2, 2001

Yeah, that was *good*. I didn't like the bit about "6 year old descrambles HBO with clipping shears, speaker wire." *That* was really too unbelievable. You really can't do that much with clipping shears and speaker wire... I'm sorry.
posted by whatnotever at 8:03 PM on August 2, 2001

Ok, I'm ashamed of myself: it wasn't until they started talking about TR that I figured out it was a satire. Which means I completely bought the idea that Microsoft had a black budget genius-breeding program going. No skepticism about that at all.

Now if Apple had this sort of program going, it wouldn't be no damn eight-year-old buying telephone cable from Radio Shack; it'd be some superfly babe who designs laser lightshows for the raves she goes to with Steve.

And (while I'm at it) if it were linux I guess it'd be the result of some mass cloning experiment to which every programmer in the world contributed a little tiny bit of genetic material. And it would be uglier than sin. But it would be a master of kung-fu.

ok that's enough i'm going home now
posted by ook at 9:03 PM on August 2, 2001

my favorite:

Rupert began once-a-month tutorials with renowned investor and Gates confidant Warren Buffett. According to those sources, Rupert has already taught Buffett a great deal.
posted by caraig at 9:17 PM on August 2, 2001

While the author was writing this great hoak...

was he watching a Pretender episode on TV or...
an old A-Team episode or Maguyver?
posted by Max's Daddy at 10:16 PM on August 2, 2001

tsk tsk...that's "MacGyver"
posted by canoeguide at 1:50 AM on August 3, 2001

I hear they've expanded the Manchuria program and renamed it M.I.T.
posted by mecran01 at 4:37 AM on August 3, 2001

Funny story, but the coolest April fools prank of the last 25 years, I'm sorry, has been created by George Plimpton .
"The curious Case of Sidd Finch", (Sidd as in Siddharta), the greatest baseball pitcher ever: first published in Sports Illustrated, then in book form. Here you can read the original magazine story
posted by matteo at 5:34 AM on August 3, 2001 [1 favorite]

Matteo -- you're right. What a frickin' awesome story.
posted by tweebiscuit at 6:35 AM on August 3, 2001

That Sidd Finch story cracks me up every time! I really like the parts where the document Sidd Sighting, especially the crap flinging contest.
posted by the bob at 7:07 AM on August 3, 2001

I love the Sidd Finch story! It's out of print, but there's usually a copy or two floating around eBay on any given week.
posted by youhas at 10:39 AM on August 3, 2001

Too bad it's out of print. But "The Best of Plimpton " is still available. Sidd's story on it. And in Plimpton's afterword there's a great anecdote: he writes that so many people actually didn't believe the story was a hoax, and keep asking him about Finch and his whereabouts. Plimpton always tells them that the guy is living in London, reading and meditating and playing his horn. Plimpton also explains that he does have Sidd's secret number, and when he tries to call there's usually no answer. But sometimes it's busy
posted by matteo at 12:25 PM on August 3, 2001

The Sidd Finch story got me hook, line, and sinker. I thought it was the swimsuit issue.
posted by whuppy at 6:28 AM on August 22, 2001