Fear of the state, fear of home: To be black and queer in America

December 16, 2017 12:21 PM

Living in my truth as a black queer person comes with the understanding that I may also be quickening my death. I was sold a false narrative. I was told “it gets better,” as if becoming an adult would change the years of ridicule I had endured my entire life, and introduce me to a world that would be fully accepting of my gender and sex identity. At 32, I now know that I take my life in my hands when I dress a certain way, or have mannerisms not accepted by a masculine-centered society.
posted by stillmoving (18 comments total)

That was a powerful piece.
posted by MissySedai at 2:09 PM on December 16, 2017

Thank you for sharing.
posted by Caduceus at 2:40 PM on December 16, 2017

I was sold a false narrative.

Narrative is the ideological equivalent of snake oil.

"It gets better" is just a nice way of saying run along and don't bother me as I put a seed into your head that if things don't getter better, something is wrong about you. When a society sells itself as one of opportunity, people assume everyone can have one that is meaningful, and if they don't something must be defective with them. To suggest that things need improving or life isn't perfect, will usually get your eyes clawed out. Something has to be defective with you is the line you will be given, and how dare you nor be grateful.

So, this personal essay is brave, honest, and sadly, will not reach people the way it should. I do not approve of bigotry of any kind, and speak out, but then people just ask me what kind of "accent" I have, even though I was born and raised exclusively in the English-speaking nation of Canada, Ontario to be precise.

The world really has a long way to go.

Thank you for the link.
posted by Alexandra Kitty at 3:00 PM on December 16, 2017 [9 favorites]

"It gets better" is just a nice way of saying run along and don't bother me as I put a seed into your head that if things don't getter better, something is wrong about you.

I think this unfairly mischaracterizes the It Gets Better Project, which relies on the actual lived experience of individuals who suffered the affects of homophobia during childhood and adolescence. They apparently believe sharing the information that some of the problem are situational, and the greater agency often available to adults can result improvements desperate teens might have trouble imagining otherwise.

I don't know what about it would lead you anyone to believe that it's a claim that homophobia is a thing of the past or that individuals who continue to suffer it's effects are somehow flawed and deserving of whatever happens to them.
posted by layceepee at 4:19 PM on December 16, 2017 [17 favorites]

I don't know what about it would lead you anyone to believe that it's a claim that homophobia is a thing of the past or that individuals who continue to suffer it's effects are somehow flawed and deserving of whatever happens to them.

Excuse me? Where did you get that misinterpretation of my words? I never said any such thing, nor implied it.

I said that people like to blame the victim. If you cannot face that reality, then don't twist my words so you have a punching bag or someone to nag.

And it is not a mischaracterization. It is living on this planet for 44 years and hearing people say one thing, and do a very bigoted other.

It does not get better. It never gets better, and no perkily-name project will change that. It gets hidden more covertly for a while as lawyers and PR firms clean up the façade, but when push comes to shove and the chips are down, people will attack an other, no matter what.

We don't have homeless people because things get better. Their numbers aren't growing because things have ever gotten better.

People divide themselves based on area code, and if they are willing to do that, they will divide themselves every imaginable level. We should stop telling people it will get better. It's a lie. Tell the truth: it gets worse, and unless people fight tooth and nail and take nothing for granted, their rights and dignities will be taken away just because someone with power can do it.

In life, there is no rest.
posted by Alexandra Kitty at 4:32 PM on December 16, 2017 [9 favorites]

I’m fond of saying “it gets bitter”
posted by Annika Cicada at 4:58 PM on December 16, 2017 [7 favorites]

Maybe James Baldwin's addresses of this topic are so foundational as to infuse the article, and I shouldn't imply it's incomplete without them, but I am here posting what perspectives called out my 80s southeastern experience, what called a spade a digging tool, in black and white and in a prose as graceful as ever evidenced by any American writer, were accountings like Baldwin's father's reaction [paraphrasing] of... You could not have chosen a more difficult life than being Black and queer.

And Baldwin widened an understanding "choosing" is very far from any comprehension of any lived experience. And though I Am Not Your Negro(2016) received some criticism for lacking an emphasis on sexuality, to what degree American society has not come close to delivering its promises and charter of emergent liberty (and nothing on the horizon indicates any imminent change), what any documentary does will not please everyone. I was pleased by it. What's not there in any document is one thing and what is is another. That Baldwin was queer in reputation and proceeded with a controlled behavior threatened a status quo exactly as he intended, moment to moment, an orator of inimitable skill.

The framings I was taught were Economic participation versus Political organization (Booker T & W.E.B [Frontline]) and Malcolm and Martin's tension of segregation/integration. Excellence versus Expectation has gone round'n'round ever since with Rock's commentary to his own work and Oprah is an American Rock of Gibralter.

This article is as clear and rational as possible and an old song in the vein of Dreams deferred. Whenever I go looking for precise and substantially audited demographic statistics of the life expectancy of American Blacks, I do not find them. I have no clear and rational expressions for what Blacks suffer in America, just more Psalms and rage. Were I black, knowing what I pay into Social Security, but that my likelihood of ever recovering its benefit is imperiled seven ways from Sunday, the day to day subjugation of pickpockets and bamboozlers, might result in running through the streets with a machete.

The most segregated day in America is Sunday, something I learned from James Baldwin.
posted by lazycomputerkids at 5:09 PM on December 16, 2017 [6 favorites]

I think this unfairly mischaracterizes the It Gets Better Project, which relies on the actual lived experience of individuals who suffered the affects of homophobia during childhood and adolescence.

It Gets Better has always suffered from a white, middle class bias, though. If you're Dan Savage, of course you think it gets better. But most queer people aren't Dan Savage.
posted by hoyland at 5:11 PM on December 16, 2017 [9 favorites]

I think it can help a lot of queer folks to hear people's personal experiences that it CAN (not will) get better as we grow up, our peers grow up, and our society gets (slowly) more enlightened. Many of us can find hope in the fact that for *some* people it *can and does* get better. Most, though definitely not all, queer people are in a better position now than they would have been 20 or 30 or 50 years ago, most (not all) queer people find life to get easier as they grow up.

I can walk down the street of towns in the US South holding my wife's hand and know that, although there is a chance of harassment (which hasn't happened to us here yet), we are basically safe. I can be married. I can sit at my in-laws dinner table. I can find like-minded people to interact with online and off. This isn't as true for for non-cis folks, or for minorities. But even for them it *is* better than it used to be in this country. The fact that we can even talk about this in public is a sign of that.
posted by mkuhnell at 5:38 PM on December 16, 2017 [6 favorites]

It can get better, and we should talk about that. There's a certain despondency that is important to counter, even if life is always a struggle, or there is no life to struggle with.
posted by effugas at 5:45 PM on December 16, 2017 [5 favorites]

I’m fond of saying “it gets bitter”

I like “it gets bigger.” The world stays just as shitty, but suddenly there are more people in it, and you have a chance to find your own little island refuge of people like you, or people who accept you. And the more marginalized you are, the smaller your island, and the harder it is to find. But the world getting bigger is at least some kind of hope, if, at the moment, you’re stuck in something small that does not love you.
posted by schadenfrau at 7:55 PM on December 16, 2017 [21 favorites]

I do not approve of bigotry of any kind, and speak out, but then people just ask me what kind of "accent" I have, even though I was born and raised exclusively in the English-speaking nation of Canada, Ontario to be precise.

I get the same. Born and raised in Toledo, Ohio. Raised by Yooper children of German immigrants.

We have accents, you and I. And we should continue to employ them in service of slapping bigotry down wherever we can. And when they ask what sort of accent that is, ask them why it matters, and why they're so interested in furthering their bigotry. The fish faces they make is pretty great. /derail
posted by MissySedai at 8:16 PM on December 16, 2017 [3 favorites]

shadenfrau,

That is beautiful. And so much more accurate (even in the parts that are not so nice).
posted by effugas at 11:06 PM on December 16, 2017 [1 favorite]

I wrote a long screed about how It Gets Better and then I took a break and upon re-reading I realize that what I wrote can be boiled down to that it doesn't actually get better. What happens is that, as life goes on, you get better at navigating a homophobic, hate-filled world.

I've been out since 1990 and honestly, that's the best I can come up with. It doesn't get better. But I've gotten better at dealing as I've gotten older.
posted by hippybear at 5:58 AM on December 17, 2017 [6 favorites]

I'm sorry to be contributing to what I feel is already kind of a derail, but if George Johnson is 32 now, he was already 25 when the It Gets Better project started. And sure, the project, like everything, is problematic in some ways, but not because it doesn't comprehensively address the entire range of complex problems facing grown adults. That's not what it's for. It's intended to draw attention to the devastating effects of homophobia on very young people and give hope and encouragement to suicidal teenagers who have never known a life where they weren't essentially the property of people who hate them, required to spend every day with people who abuse them or look the other way while they're abused. Who have almost no choices or agency and can hardly imagine having any, even though they almost always will when they grow up, no matter how hard life still is.

I was going to try to say something about my work with teenagers, something about how full but small their lives are or something but you know what, I honestly don't even have the energy to carry my point home because I'm one of those suicidal bisexuals and spending a weekend in bed drinking and talking to no one doesn't make you as eloquent as you'd expect. Nobody has to tell me life doesn't necessarily get better but THAT'S OBVIOUSLY NOT A SUITABLE MESSAGE FOR AN INTERNATIONAL SUICIDE PREVENTION CAMPAIGN. Why does everybody have to be so shitty and cynical all the time! God. Everyone, please try to give hope to the young people in your lives who are struggling, thank you.
posted by two or three cars parked under the stars at 6:00 AM on December 17, 2017 [33 favorites]

@hippybear
You are completely negating the lived experiences of myself and others I know for whom it did, really and truly, get better.
posted by mkuhnell at 8:39 AM on December 17, 2017 [3 favorites]

Totally agree with two or three cars. You don't tell suicidal teenagers that it's really just as shitty when you're 30 or 40. First of all, if you've made it to 30 then that's demonstrably not true. It did get better, or you would be dead.

As to the essay: I know several Black queer & trans people and they identify very much as Black first and QT second. There's a schism in the local queer community that mirrors the segregation in the wider area. The bars I know about are mostly white, so I assume there's a parallel scene I don't know about. The Black trans community is similarly insular; the only groups I'm aware of are for Black trans women living with HIV and AIDS. Then there's the fact that Black, queer, and trans people - as groups - are more likely to live in poverty, so when all 3 intersect, a person is pushed to the far edge of society. What does "better" look like for them? Being homeless, doing sex work? Is that better than being beaten by abusive parents and being suicidal? I don't know. I can imagine being hopeless either way. Hell, I've been hopeless and I am a white man who has been relatively lucky. But I can't see any value in telling a teenager "forget it, it's always going to be this bad." We all need hope, even if it turns out to be false.
posted by AFABulous at 7:37 PM on December 17, 2017 [3 favorites]

Why does everybody have to be so shitty and cynical all the time! God. Everyone, please try to give hope to the young people in your lives who are struggling, thank you.

It is through fighting my shitty situation which constantly threatens to make me cynical that I have learned how to help young queer people. I’ve got lot to learn about race though.
posted by Annika Cicada at 5:59 AM on December 18, 2017 [2 favorites]