Bianca, the Covert Toronto Escort with a Day Job.

December 23, 2010 6:11 AM

Bianca is a 24-year-old software writer and escort from Toronto, Ontario. She was born in Hamilton, Ontario and lived in Dublin, Ireland for many years. She likes cash, properly compiled HTML and four star or higher hotels. She dislikes claims of latex allergies.

Column 1: Can You Keep a Secret
Column 2: Adele, the Madame
Column 3: Daniel, My First Client
Column 4: Conor, the Boyfriend
Column 5: The Office Party

posted by clearly (65 comments total)

She makes $39,000 and only has $25,000 in debt yet feels she has to make ends meet by being an escort? I wish I could make $37 dollars an hour.
posted by lizjohn at 6:20 AM on December 23, 2010 [4 favorites]

You don't compile HTML. It's a markup language.
posted by Nothing at 6:22 AM on December 23, 2010 [84 favorites]

Why would she dislike claims of latex allergies? Latex allergies are real.

Oh. McSweeney's.
posted by (Arsenio) Hall and (Warren) Oates at 6:22 AM on December 23, 2010

Why would she dislike claims of latex allergies? Latex allergies are real.

They are real, but I'll bet that 95% of the guys who tell the sex worker they have latex allergies are just wanting to have bareback sex.
posted by Forktine at 6:28 AM on December 23, 2010 [7 favorites]

Why would she dislike claims of latex allergies? Latex allergies are real.

But their actual prevalence somehow skyrockets when you ask johns to wear a condom.
posted by Theta States at 6:29 AM on December 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

In other news call girl creates online persona as beleaguered IT support manager

Meanwhile, Bianca is a mid 50ish guy living a real life version of Trailer Park Boys while working free lance gigs writing "letters" for smut mags.
posted by humanfont at 6:29 AM on December 23, 2010 [5 favorites]

Why are people treating this like it's a real thing when it's on McSweeney's?
posted by (Arsenio) Hall and (Warren) Oates at 6:33 AM on December 23, 2010 [19 favorites]

I'm guessing it's Bianca Jagger trying to get a new hobby.
posted by stormpooper at 6:36 AM on December 23, 2010

McSweeney's: The Onion for people who read the New Yorker for the cartoons.
posted by Freon at 6:37 AM on December 23, 2010 [59 favorites]

Something something LaTeX.
posted by kmz at 6:37 AM on December 23, 2010 [17 favorites]

you lost me at "properly compiled HTML"
posted by liza at 6:38 AM on December 23, 2010

Maybe she compiles what she puts in her <code> blocks.
posted by Flunkie at 6:41 AM on December 23, 2010

You guys don't compile your HTML? compiled HTML

I know, I know, It's microsoft and it doesn't execute.
posted by Ad hominem at 6:46 AM on December 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

A cliché with a heart of gold?
posted by plinth at 6:47 AM on December 23, 2010 [2 favorites]

You don't compile HTML.

Technically you can but the connotation of compiled in that usage is more 'combine disparate files into a compressed archive' than 'build parse tree and emit opcodes'.
posted by Rhomboid at 6:50 AM on December 23, 2010 [2 favorites]

You could also compile HTML in the sense of compiling a dossier or a dictionary, i.e. by putting together existing bits of HTML to make a new document.
posted by tomcooke at 6:57 AM on December 23, 2010 [2 favorites]

Also, if there is a musical genre called HTML, you could probably get a compilation of some bands that play it.
posted by swift at 7:01 AM on December 23, 2010 [14 favorites]

She makes $39,000 and only has $25,000 in debt yet feels she has to make ends meet by being an escort? I wish I could make $37 dollars an hour.

How is $39,000 a year = $37 an hour? By my count, it's more like $19.50.
posted by gjc at 7:06 AM on December 23, 2010 [4 favorites]

I've also compiled an anthology of HTML, available from university of Iowa press. Or did I curate it.
posted by Ad hominem at 7:11 AM on December 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

How is $39,000 a year = $37 an hour? By my count, it's more like $19.50.

I wouldn't mind making $19.50 to sit around and read reddit all day like she does.
posted by thsmchnekllsfascists at 7:23 AM on December 23, 2010 [4 favorites]

You guys. McSweeneys. Seriously.
posted by Fleebnork at 7:24 AM on December 23, 2010 [4 favorites]

She's the one who says she makes $37.50 an hour doing technical writing, so my assumption without actually getting further than the first column is that maybe she's only working part time?

I don't know. The writing lost me very swiftly. Fiction or otherwise, I'm not even totally opposed to sex work, but I'm seriously opposed to justifying it on the grounds that you have half my undergraduate student loans and are making about 150% of what I made starting out, on an annual basis, especially if your day job isn't even full time. It's basically Sex and the City's unrealistic life expectations of being a writer and wearing $500 shoes, now with *actual* prostitution.

Not a fan, whether it's fiction or not. If it's fiction, somebody missed the bit where the first chapter should make the reader care what happens next, above and beyond, "I hope she dies in a fire."
posted by gracedissolved at 7:33 AM on December 23, 2010 [7 favorites]

I wonder what she charges for a caganer?
posted by Joey Michaels at 7:34 AM on December 23, 2010 [4 favorites]

Is the writer unaware there are polyurethane condoms available? I know they tend to break a bit more than the latex variety but it's better than nothing, yeah?
posted by Talanvor at 7:43 AM on December 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

I know, I know, It's microsoft and it doesn't execute.

Nonsense. Microsoft will execute anything.
posted by ryanrs at 7:50 AM on December 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

I wonder what she charges for a caganer?

500 grams of frankincense, same as in Bethlehem.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 7:55 AM on December 23, 2010 [29 favorites]

So why doesn't she just carry some polyurethane condoms in her purse?
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 7:59 AM on December 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

Fiction or otherwise, I'm not even totally opposed to sex work, but I'm seriously opposed to justifying it on the grounds that [...]

Pretending this is nonfiction, why would her decision to be a sex worker need to be justified to anyone else? I don't understand why people get so riled up about other people they don't even know doing stuff that's not bothering anyone.
posted by The Loch Ness Monster at 8:01 AM on December 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

It is true that all web devs are whores though.

/ makes blinky thing 200% more blinky for the client.
posted by Artw at 8:05 AM on December 23, 2010 [10 favorites]

So why doesn't she just carry some polyurethane condoms in her purse?

Cause she's not real?
posted by (Arsenio) Hall and (Warren) Oates at 8:10 AM on December 23, 2010 [7 favorites]

So why doesn't she just carry some polyurethane condoms in her purse?

Besides the fact that she's not real, I was told in middle school that these are a way inferior option since they are too porous to prevent the spread of some STDs. At least, I think I was, and if it's true it's absolutely important that people know. Even fictional people.
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 8:21 AM on December 23, 2010

If she were a JS coder you could call her high prototype instead of high class. Ha ha.

Really she's just an object.

/JS humour.
posted by Artw at 8:23 AM on December 23, 2010 [9 favorites]

Well, she could be real or she could be fake but she sure isn't very interesting. Maybe some editing could pull these together a bit more but as it is they just - go nowhere. Slowly. I know it's McSweeney's house style but still.

For a few months in 2005 or thereabouts there was a hooker named Bianca who kept giving out my cell phone number. I don't know why - maybe it was a digit off hers or something but it got old very quickly indeed. At first I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt: "Maybe she's a bartender! They always start partying at 2." but then it became clearer even in 3 am phone calls. "Hi is this Bianca?" they would say blearily. "NO." I said and some of them believed me. Some didn't, though. I started asking them where they met her. Mostly, it turned out, at the Shell station in Oteen. Ah, glamor and desperation and nobody is really named Bianca.
posted by mygothlaundry at 8:36 AM on December 23, 2010 [3 favorites]

$39,000 a year is a pretty crap salary for Toronto rents. If I was in that situation, I'd be looking for something to supplement it.
posted by Kurichina at 8:36 AM on December 23, 2010

If she were a JS coder you could call her high prototype instead of high class. Ha ha.

Well of course she's needing to work as an escort, it's not like she has an inheritance or anything.
posted by geoff. at 8:38 AM on December 23, 2010 [5 favorites]

$39k is pretty crappy for anyone. Yet I did it on that and lower (first apartment I was making $25k). So....maybe she should live somewhere cheaper?
posted by stormpooper at 8:57 AM on December 23, 2010

It's been a few minutes since anyone pointed out that this is McSweeney's and therefore not real. I take my turn, just like everyone else.
posted by rusty at 9:00 AM on December 23, 2010 [3 favorites]

It's been a few seconds since anyone pointed out that this is McSweeney's and therefore not real. I take my turn, just like everyone else.
posted by clearly at 9:01 AM on December 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

Damn, I so wanted that timestamp to be 9:00.
posted by clearly at 9:01 AM on December 23, 2010 [4 favorites]

Why are people treating this like it's a real thing when it's on McSweeney's?

They've been running a few similar series that, if not the actual real-life experiences of people, are pretty good simulacra. I'm not that interested in this one, though; she comes off as a hot mess in general.
posted by Halloween Jack at 9:02 AM on December 23, 2010

If you are looking for True Escort Stories, then I recommend nightmare brunette (NSFW). Charlotte is a NYC escort who posts on Tumblr, but her sex work isn't the only interesting thing about her. I admit the fact that her job was the reason I started reading her blog, but as I continued reading, the blog gave me a positive perspective on sex work. She shares difficult and personal details about her life while still remaining anonymous. She also has great taste in music and art.
posted by chinesefood at 9:12 AM on December 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

Why would she dislike claims of latex allergies? Latex allergies are real.

Simple solution, and I am not sure why more guys don't do this.

I wear two condoms when I masturbate. When I have sex, using only one condom feels amazing.
posted by flarbuse at 9:17 AM on December 23, 2010 [4 favorites]

Oh, and speaking of McSweeney's: Letters from the President. Reminds me of the original cast SNL sketch where Jimmy Carter[Dan Aykroyd]'s call-in program becomes a general advice line.
posted by Halloween Jack at 9:21 AM on December 23, 2010

People of the world of you are smart, sexy and social don't go and work as a prostitute. Get a sales job. You might occasionally have to give a blow job to close the deal, but most of the time it's expense account lunches and a handshake.
posted by humanfont at 9:22 AM on December 23, 2010 [2 favorites]

If you are looking for True Escort Stories, then I recommend nightmare brunette (NSFW). Charlotte is a NYC escort ... She shares difficult and personal details about her life while still remaining anonymous. She also has great taste in music and art.

And the best part is she might actually not be some creepy middle-aged dude!
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 9:23 AM on December 23, 2010

if she's real, the most annoying thing about her is how she whines and complains and wants things to be better without having to work for it. She'd have plenty of money for her debt and her lifestyle if she didn't have her non-monogamous unemployed boyfriend to support, but she blames the economy, she blames... god, if I heard about the "Celtic Tiger" one more time I'd have sprained my eyeballs.
posted by lemniskate at 9:26 AM on December 23, 2010

I came to witness the "compiled HTML" derail and was not disappointed.
posted by fartknocker at 10:17 AM on December 23, 2010 [8 favorites]

Polyurethane condoms are exactly as effective as latex condoms. I think, Mrs. Pterodactyl, that you might be misremembering what you were told in middle school (or your middle school sex educators were full of crap); perhaps you were thinking of lambskin condoms, which really are more porous?

(I say this because there are real people reading this thread, not because I think this "Bianca" is a real sex worker.)
posted by Sidhedevil at 10:25 AM on December 23, 2010 [4 favorites]

> She likes cash, properly compiled HTML and four star or higher hotels. She dislikes claims of latex allergies.

She likes long walks on the beach, men who aren't afraid to cry and puppies. Her dislikes include feed tray stoppages, tracer flareout of her NVGs and premature fixed-wing strikes scattering her high-value targets.
posted by jfuller at 10:27 AM on December 23, 2010 [2 favorites]

Douglas Crockford has terrible news.
posted by Artw at 10:43 AM on December 23, 2010

I came to witness the "compiled HTML" derail and was not disappointed.

Well, seriously, what the fuck?

Does she mean "validate"?
posted by Artw at 10:44 AM on December 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

Ans, in fact, WTF is a "software writer"? I think her secret shame here is that she's not really a coder at all, she's some kind of "content" person.
posted by Artw at 11:08 AM on December 23, 2010

She isn't particularly covert. She should have stuck around in Ireland long enough to know that everyone is 2 degrees of separation away from each other. She's already revealed that her boyfriend went to Clongowes Wood College, is about 31, and that she was in a masters course in UCD English in 2007-2008.

American 20-something girls on their grand tour in Europe coupled with the scandal of university educated, middle class women undertaking sex work? There are any number of dull blogs like this on the internet already. Poor choice, McSweeney's.
posted by iamnotateenagegirl at 11:09 AM on December 23, 2010

American 20-something girls on their grand tour in Europe coupled with the scandal of university educated, middle class women undertaking sex work? There are any number of dull blogs like this on the internet already. Poor choice, McSweeney's.

RTFA. Obviously not real, this is mcsweeney's, so I don't think anybody's too worried about getting outed as a sex worker. Also, she's canadian.
posted by thsmchnekllsfascists at 11:13 AM on December 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

Ans, in fact, WTF is a "software writer"?

I'm a writer, but my boss has never been a writer nor an editor nor anything else related to software documentation before becoming a documentation manager. Her refusal to understand abstract concepts without a diagram, written explanation and interpretative dance to illustrate them would be inspiring if it wasn't so depressing. Only fashion comes close in and inflated sense of importance to the software industry.

The phrases they use related to their job are so wrong that it has to be a clue to the reader that the whole exercise is tongue and cheek fiction. It is McSweeney's Girlfriend Experience, taken as a satire on the financial crisis by the most capitalist industry around, the one that only faces recessions in the periphery of client's complaints, but never having to deal with the actual economic impact.

The problem is that it just isn't that good. The last entry seems to want to juxtaposition modern office workers with that of whore. There's children running around, liquor flowing, disdain for co-workers and all the accouterments of an office party, but wait ... there's pot brownies, expensive gifts and no one knows her real name (which again, brings up the pragmatic question as to why there were small children at an agency party, "Now Jimmy, we're going to mommy's work party and you're to call her by her escort name ...").

I think "Miss Bianca" needs to take another creative writing workshop at Bennington and try again.
posted by geoff. at 11:30 AM on December 23, 2010

The problem is that it just isn't that good.

Part of good writing is doing enough research to make the characters believable.
posted by Sidhedevil at 11:58 AM on December 23, 2010

The phrases they use related to their job are so wrong that it has to be a clue to the reader that the whole exercise is tongue and cheek fiction.

My assumption was that it was slightly based on reality -- as in written by someone who might have dabbled in sex work a bit -- but with every conceivable detail changed. So the parents aren't in Hamilton, the bum of a boyfriend isn't from Ireland, the boring job isn't as a software documentation writer, etc. Otherwise there's too much specificity, and her anonymity would be gone instantly.
posted by Forktine at 12:22 PM on December 23, 2010

Sidhedevil: Part of good writing is doing enough research to make the characters believable.

This is what I'm thinking as well. It's character sketch of the kind Fiction writers sometimes will put together as an exercise to help fill a character out and give them depth. It incredibly dreary shit to read though and perhpas McSweeney's is doing the writer a favor by plastering this up there to see what people complain about not being accurate, or just plain discordant.

And now the hive mind has been leveraged into, ahem, compiling it;s own list of grievances against this poorly sketched and prosaic character who's about as interesting as my kitchen counter. Which is really sneaky and smart, but damn if I could barely get through one of those posts where she's goiing on and on about her "boyfriend" Conor, who has entirely no opinions or thoughts on Bianca being an escort cos he's incredibly lame, without wondering if the general lack of energy of the writing is attributable to the actual writing or perhaps, the confectionary relentless holiday malaise is beginning it's approach into the the rubber and kerosene soiled runway of my heart and beginning to befuddle my life spirit.
posted by Skygazer at 1:14 PM on December 23, 2010

Sorry, I meant "latex" not "rubber." ^
posted by Skygazer at 1:17 PM on December 23, 2010

I did like the little dig at Joe Scarborough who becomes Joe in Scarborough.
posted by humanfont at 1:24 PM on December 23, 2010

ugh, why am i here
posted by grobstein at 2:35 PM on December 23, 2010

I just like the fact that she justifies her prostitution by blaming it on baby boomers. Now, that's some world class rationalization gymnastics!
posted by prodigalsun at 8:53 PM on December 23, 2010

Whether or not the rest of it is true, the part about Whitby is spot fucking on.
posted by Midnight Rambler at 5:38 AM on December 24, 2010

My job is essentially waiting for eight hours in what I call the Internet Depository. I kill time idly for approximately 7.5 hours and change the spacing on bullet points for the remaining half hour. My team is myself and seven unfriendly computer programmers.

Seems likethe programmers are right to be unfreindly. They should probably just fire her, then she could get on with pretend hookering full time.
posted by Artw at 9:14 AM on December 24, 2010 [1 favorite]

the young rope-rider: Boring enough to be realistic

I could see how you might think that, but realism isn't boring. Bad writing is boring. Unempathic, superficial lifeless characters with nothing to lose are boring.
posted by Skygazer at 10:37 AM on December 24, 2010