These ones go to eleven

December 24, 2019 11:56 AM

Eleven Raccoons Stuck Inside Porch (SLYT).
posted by mandolin conspiracy (37 comments total)

Whoa, they big.
So mean to break up their cuddle pile!
posted by Glinn at 12:05 PM on December 24, 2019 [6 favorites]

Globular raccoons!
posted by leslies at 12:06 PM on December 24, 2019 [1 favorite]

O Canada, thou land with fat raccoons
True indolence, in all thy raccoons command
posted by ivan ivanych samovar at 12:07 PM on December 24, 2019 [6 favorites]

I saw this on BlogTO which adds a little context. Not that context is really necessary to enjoy watching someone poke super fat raccoons with a stick, but BlogTO is the go-to source for in-depth Toronto raccoon coverage.
posted by jacquilynne at 12:15 PM on December 24, 2019 [9 favorites]

Chonkcoons!!!
posted by supermedusa at 12:21 PM on December 24, 2019 [8 favorites]

Those guys have knocked over a few garbage cans.
posted by Bee'sWing at 12:39 PM on December 24, 2019 [3 favorites]

Well, this’ll be stuck in my head at least until Midnight Mass.

Thanks for a much-needed chuckle.
posted by armeowda at 12:58 PM on December 24, 2019 [1 favorite]

I once startled a huge racoon on someone's lawn, at about 9pm, as I was walking down Robert St. towards Kensington Market. Thing ran halfway up a tree, then got a bit out of breath, and climbed back down again.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 1:04 PM on December 24, 2019 [13 favorites]

Oh those are SUCH GOOD RACCOONS. They are so squishy and sleepy and just want to cuddle. No need to poke them in the belly!
posted by ChuraChura at 1:11 PM on December 24, 2019 [10 favorites]

I once intervened in a garbage heist occurring on our front porch -- raccoon #1 was holding up the lid of our grey bin while raccoon #2 was rooting around in the bottom. Our landlord at the time had procured one of the extra-large bins for us, so raccoon #2 was way down in there (the bin was mainly empty).

I started prodding raccoon #1 with the handle of a shovel, but all he did was drop the lid and clamber on top of it. I eventually had to just push him right off with the shovel because the poking wasn't convincing him to go away, and I didn't want to poke him hard enough to hurt him.

I then waited out raccoon #2. After a few minutes of scuffling noises, a paw poked out, then he wedged himself out. It was pretty impressive.

My main concern was that they were working together and appeared to have had a plan going into this.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 1:20 PM on December 24, 2019 [25 favorites]

The reproachful look from the last raccoon! I'm reminded of a number of house cats.
posted by Nancy Lebovitz at 1:23 PM on December 24, 2019 [5 favorites]

Racoon Eviction is a burgeoning industry.
posted by valkane at 1:28 PM on December 24, 2019

The reproachful look from the last raccoon!

"We're going to reconvene outside to discuss this. But look. You understand who's REALLY in charge here, don't you?"
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 1:32 PM on December 24, 2019 [3 favorites]

Come on, Tubs

I thought Canadians were polite....
posted by GenjiandProust at 1:40 PM on December 24, 2019 [1 favorite]

This animal control officer handles raccoons reluctant to leave way better then they guy my Mom once called. She had what she suspected was a family of raccoons living in her garage, and the professional she called took a looked and then confirmed that there was definitely a mom raccoon with kits. He told her that he couldn’t kick them out though, after all there was babies involved. He then proceeded to build a little flap and ramp so they could get in and out more easily and offered to catch one for her “because at this age they are easy to tame!”.

My Mom declined. She and my brother just got used to getting hissed at when they did the laundry.
posted by lepus at 1:51 PM on December 24, 2019 [36 favorites]

pretty sure the ones in this video are fully grown
posted by ryanrs at 2:02 PM on December 24, 2019 [1 favorite]

Was expecting a Pict and a cave, so disappointed ....
posted by mbo at 2:50 PM on December 24, 2019 [4 favorites]

Eleven raccoons spooning
...
...
...
...
...
Five gold rings!

bah-dah-bum-bum
posted by Orange Dinosaur Slide at 4:09 PM on December 24, 2019 [9 favorites]

Did they all go run to his van at the end? Maybe it was just a trick to steal a nice warm van.
posted by fshgrl at 5:10 PM on December 24, 2019 [6 favorites]

If you do ever run into a situation like this, be sure you choose the right company.
posted by ambulocetus at 5:16 PM on December 24, 2019 [1 favorite]

I only counted ten. I guess I'll need to watch it again.
posted by bendy at 5:25 PM on December 24, 2019 [1 favorite]

This time I counted twelve. I must watch again, more carefully.
posted by bendy at 5:29 PM on December 24, 2019 [3 favorites]

Like where do they go from here? Next door? Raccoon poker seems like a lucrative business if so.

I have a raccoon story. For my entire college career, raccoons infested the campus. A rain storm brought them all out for a worm-eating and raccoon-orgy once, which was educational for us freshmen. They also popped up everywhere..."Sorry I'm late...there were raccoons..." "Well, you can't be too careful."

I worked an after-hours security job that included an outdoor perimeter. Our main job was keeping an eye on things and making notes when doors were propped open (which you have to record in California, it's the law) and whether we saw any college shenanigans, but overall it was pretty quiet. We were frequently menaced by raccoons, several times radioing in that we'd have to skip a section because they wouldn't back down. Once one popped out of a trash can mere inches from our faces! Some people were chased, though alas, not I. (I was the only one who ever actually saw a mountain lion though, which is a different story.)

There was one particularly bold one without a tail which we named Stumpy. She had a bunch of little babies one year, all with tails-- I choose to believe that Stumpy's clan has taken over. Telling this now, it seems like you'd have to be there, but I recall them fondly now that they're not hissing and advancing on us as we're armed only with flashlights and one clipboard between us.
posted by blnkfrnk at 5:30 PM on December 24, 2019 [6 favorites]

Oh look, a link to my friend Christa Miller's Raccoon Rescue early-grades illustrated chapter book. How about that!
posted by lhauser at 5:59 PM on December 24, 2019

I saw a crew of 4 raccoons getting into my outside cat’s water dish a few months ago. Love their level of organization.
posted by porn in the woods at 6:14 PM on December 24, 2019

My main concern was that they were working together and appeared to have had a plan going into this.

More of a plan than the Cylons ever did.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 6:18 PM on December 24, 2019 [4 favorites]

We had a raccoon family that lived in the crawlspace under our apartment nine years ago. There was an avocado tree outside our windows with a long diagonal branch, and sometimes the entire family would line up along the branch and give the stinkeye to our very excited indoor dog.
posted by migurski at 6:50 PM on December 24, 2019 [4 favorites]

Five gold rings!

Look, in Toronto we all know it’s:

Five golden toques!
Four pounds of back bacon
Three French toast
Two turtlenecks
And a beer, in a tree.
posted by warriorqueen at 8:21 PM on December 24, 2019 [9 favorites]

to quote the Internet:

forbidden cats
posted by hototogisu at 8:33 PM on December 24, 2019

We had a family of raccoons coming to the door every day at a house sit this summer. We declined to feed them and they left big revenge shits all over the deck. I swear they were doing it out of spite.
posted by under_petticoat_rule at 9:31 PM on December 24, 2019

The gently bemused tone of a man mildly annoying some sleepy, tubby animals made me feel warm and happy in the way ASMR must feel to some folks.
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 9:48 PM on December 24, 2019 [5 favorites]

I loved the guy outside's shock upon seeing these chunky raccoons running out of the house.

They did look really cozy all piled up.

I laughed a lot at this.
posted by darksong at 10:37 AM on December 25, 2019

I love that initially, many of the raccoons seem to think that "up" is a viable escape route.
posted by blnkfrnk at 6:06 PM on December 25, 2019 [1 favorite]

BlogTO has rounded up the top ten raccoon stories of the decade.
posted by jacquilynne at 8:18 AM on December 26, 2019 [2 favorites]

I only counted ten as well. He stops counting after six, and at that point there's one more in the corner, and some unknown number (at least two) behind the wall. It takes a while to get the one in the corner out (seven), then he tears off the wall and there are three there (eight, nine, ten). Am I missing something?

Also, this seems as good a place as any to link @JoeSondow's Twitter Choose Your Own Adventure where you are a raccoon, which has been going on for over a month now and is completely insane in the best possible way.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 9:06 PM on December 27, 2019 [1 favorite]

Somewhere in the comments or in an article about it they mentioned that one had run out right at the beginning, before the poking commenced.
posted by tavella at 10:17 PM on December 27, 2019 [1 favorite]

The 11th Raccoon is inside all of us.
posted by GenjiandProust at 10:19 AM on December 28, 2019 [2 favorites]