HELL is REAL

August 16, 2023 5:11 AM

It's an icon on I-71 between Columbus and Cincinnati. It's inspired a soccer match, stickers, and beer. A billboard with a red "H" has become a bit of a symbol of region. But what's the story behind "Hell is Real?"
posted by MrGuilt (53 comments total)

well, "such a landmark it has its own GPS coordinates" is definitely some words you can put in a sentence for sure
posted by phooky at 5:14 AM on August 16, 2023 [18 favorites]

phooky I saw that and rolled my eyes. Technically, everything has GPS coordinates.
posted by MrGuilt at 5:17 AM on August 16, 2023 [8 favorites]

The article isn't lying. This thing (and Touchdown Jesus and - to a lesser extent - Blowjob Mary) are staples of bizarre Christian Ohio that everyone knows about. My friends and I refer to it as "Hell Israel" because the lettering is terrible.

I don't know if it's notoriety is because so many people see it, or if it is because the sights between Columbus and Cincinnati is so boring.
posted by gwydapllew at 5:21 AM on August 16, 2023 [5 favorites]

See also the giant cross in/near Effingham IL
posted by GCU Sweet and Full of Grace at 5:23 AM on August 16, 2023 [4 favorites]

Ohioan here. An aspect of this story with Christian undertones is the Haslam family, owners of the Columbus Crew and Cleveland Browns, who fund right wing politicians and anti-abortion legislation.

The rivalry is fun but the Crew owners are absolute trash.
posted by glaucon at 5:25 AM on August 16, 2023 [11 favorites]

I've started to see yard signs with this pop up in a few neighborhoods around here. I don't know if they are meant to be ironic, but given the demographics (white and upper-middle-class) I think it's probably not.
posted by Old'n'Busted at 5:28 AM on August 16, 2023 [1 favorite]

"It’s one of many unique things in Ohio. If that’s the kind of thing you enjoy, you might like to learn about some other unique finds in Ohio."

I do love Americans sometimes.
posted by slimepuppy at 5:36 AM on August 16, 2023 [4 favorites]

Ohio Blowjob Mary? Please do not leave us hanging, Google is not at all helpful in following this up as you might imagine.
posted by Meatbomb at 5:39 AM on August 16, 2023 [15 favorites]

For what it's worth, there is an unincorporated township in Michigan named "Hell."
posted by tmdonahue at 5:39 AM on August 16, 2023 [3 favorites]

tmdonahue - true, I"ve been there :)
posted by bitterkitten at 5:49 AM on August 16, 2023

I grew up in rural New England, where (at least when I was a kid) religious signage is rather modest; maybe once in a blue moon along the interstates there was a billboard about Jesus put up by a nearby Catholic church, and aside from the people with the kind of lawn ornaments a neighbor called "Hail Mary in the bathtub", that was it. I then moved to New York where if you're looking for religious signage, you have to specify which religion; and then try to find it amid all of the OTHER ads.

I took a cross-country road trip in 2000. Early in the trip, as I was crossing through western Pennsylvania, Ohio, and Indiana, it was the first time I'd seen billboards like this, and I think I nearly crashed the car a couple times trying to pull over to take pictures. By the time I got to Missouri it was old hat (and I'd moved on to pictures of barns with "Chew Mail Pouch Tobacco" written on them instead).
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:57 AM on August 16, 2023 [2 favorites]

Harston put up his first sign roughly 40 years ago near his home in Scottville, Ky. It reads: “If you died today where would you spend eternity?” The project grew from there −all along major highways. Harston said he's never counted them up, saying the Bible warns against taking censuses of good works.

So, uh...which is it, Harston? If I'm to estimate where I'd spend eternity, wouldn't I have to take a census of my good works to determine that?

For what it's worth, the Bible does say that these signs are, in fact, not "good works" and are their own reward:

Matthew 6:5 “When you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, who love to stand and pray in the synagogues and on street corners so that others may see them. Amen, I say to you, they have received their reward. 6 But when you pray, go to your inner room, close the door, and pray to your Father in secret."
posted by explosion at 6:08 AM on August 16, 2023 [8 favorites]

On 71 there’s also the “HOLY MATRIMONY IS ONE MAN AND ONE WOMAN” sign, right around Columbus, and that one weird church with “JESUS IS LORD” written on the roof in differently colored shingles. All these Ohio fundie landmarks are so weird and gross.
posted by HVACDC_Bag at 6:09 AM on August 16, 2023 [6 favorites]

I always took the "hell is real" signs to be honest but missing "and you're driving through it"
posted by seanmpuckett at 6:09 AM on August 16, 2023 [18 favorites]

Uh, parts of rural New England that I lived in during the Satanic Panic absolutely had homemade signs tacked to every other telephone pole with various fire and brimstone messages. While more liberal and less overtly religious overall, there are pockets of Pentacostals, and back to the landers included not only liberal hippies but also some wacko cults seeking less oversight of their activities (and “troubled teen” schools, etc.).

But yeah, something like the giant billboard advocating child abuse (something about sparing the rod) and various advertisements to some sort of shrine to - based on the pictures - an explicitly very white Jesus when you’re driving east into Oklahoma on I40 is not the sort of thing you see in rural New England - different distribution of money and power.
posted by eviemath at 6:14 AM on August 16, 2023 [2 favorites]

(Also, it’s “Our Lady of the Bathtub” :D )
posted by eviemath at 6:15 AM on August 16, 2023 [2 favorites]

parts of rural New England that I lived in during the Satanic Panic absolutely had homemade signs tacked to every other telephone pole with various fire and brimstone messages.

Fair - this was rural Connecticut in my case, so you may have had some New York City urbanism overlaying the WASP-y-ness that kept things toned down. I was even a teenager during the Satanic Panic and didn't even remember a fuss about that. (Hell, my high school was even able to convince the school board to let us do Hair for our school musical senior year.)
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:19 AM on August 16, 2023 [1 favorite]

tmdonahue - true, I"ve been there :)

And back, presumably.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 6:25 AM on August 16, 2023 [2 favorites]

MrGuilt: "phooky I saw that and rolled my eyes. Technically, everything has GPS coordinates."

You're clearly not familiar with the ECALL (Earth Corporation for Assigned Latitudes and Longitudes).
posted by signal at 6:36 AM on August 16, 2023 [1 favorite]

I think, back in the day, in Salem, they had billboards (signs on trees?) that read, "Witches ARE real".
posted by JohnnyGunn at 6:37 AM on August 16, 2023 [2 favorites]

But are the Seven Gates of Hell real?
posted by mfoight at 6:41 AM on August 16, 2023

It's inspired a soccer match, stickers, and beer.

North London's Camden Town brewery has a brand called Hells Lager, available both in cans and on tap. I recommend it.

Also, there's this.
posted by Paul Slade at 6:57 AM on August 16, 2023

(Also, it’s “Our Lady of the Bathtub” :D )
It’s “Mary on the half-shell”, please.
posted by Jon_Evil at 7:05 AM on August 16, 2023 [4 favorites]

there is an unincorporated township in Michigan named "Hell."

Hell is real, and Tom Scott has been its Mayor.
posted by flabdablet at 7:15 AM on August 16, 2023

There's a Hell in Norway. It often freezes over
posted by chavenet at 7:21 AM on August 16, 2023 [3 favorites]

Ah, some Virgin Marys are in scalloped-edges crèches, which would be Mary on the half-shell. But the ones EmpressCallipygos and I are referring to are in smooth crèches that really do look identical to a classic claw foot bathtub, minus the feet.
posted by eviemath at 7:32 AM on August 16, 2023 [1 favorite]

The Ohio State fan site Eleven Warriors creates a poster for every OSU game and they’re all quite good. Here’s the one for a 2014 game vs. Cincinnati. (PDF warning, because they set it up for people who want to print them big.) The Cinci fans thought it was perfect and hilarious.
posted by azpenguin at 7:35 AM on August 16, 2023 [3 favorites]

These billboards reinforce my view that if someone talks about God, they could be okay or not so okay.

But when someone starts talking about the Devil and Hell, you know they're batshit loopy.
posted by AlSweigart at 7:37 AM on August 16, 2023 [8 favorites]

There's one of these in northern Indiana heading out of Chicago, and for a short time it had a little bonus sign hanging under it. So it said "HELL IS REAL" and then beneath that "WELCOME TO AMERICA," which felt like a pretty clear threat of intimidation for folks leaving the city.
posted by tomorrowromance at 7:58 AM on August 16, 2023 [3 favorites]

Oh Hell yes.
posted by slogger at 8:02 AM on August 16, 2023

(Also, it’s “Our Lady of the Bathtub” :D )
It’s “Mary on the half-shell”, please.

We always just referred to it as a BaVM (Bathtub Virgin Mary)
posted by thivaia at 8:18 AM on August 16, 2023 [1 favorite]

Ohio Blowjob Mary? Please do not leave us hanging, Google is not at all helpful in following this up as you might imagine.

Meatbomb, there is a Catholic church in German Village which projects a spotlight onto the church wall that silhouettes a statue of Jesus. They change up the statues based on the liturgical season. During Easter the statues used are Mary kneeling before Jesus-in-profile. Everyone traveling South on High Street in Columbus can see it.

The angle of the statues and their positioning immediately made every punk and goth in town to dub it "Blowjob Mary."

Christ has risen, indeed.
posted by gwydapllew at 8:23 AM on August 16, 2023 [15 favorites]

Blowjob Mary

...come again?

(sorry, couldn't resist)

Also, the classic BVM gains an extra layer of meaning if you imagine it seen through a Barbie-pink filter.
posted by Halloween Jack at 8:34 AM on August 16, 2023

HELL IS
REAL

...AND IT'S
SPECTACULAR

[satanic slap bass fill]
posted by straight at 10:42 AM on August 16, 2023 [9 favorites]

My family used to drive regularly through Minnesota on our way to Chicago, and at a certain point the billboards with "There are 25,000 Lutherans within 50 miles of this sign" would start to appear. Always threatening. What will they do, the Lutherans?

We roadtripped down to Cincy this summer and I think I saw the billboard? But am glad to have the Haslam family context, maybe I will not go to any Crew games.
posted by Lawn Beaver at 10:49 AM on August 16, 2023

>>there is an unincorporated township in Michigan named "Hell."

> Hell is real, and Tom Scott has been its Mayor.

Piped isn't working for me, here's "Tom becomes the Mayor of Hell" on YouTube.
posted by Pronoiac at 11:21 AM on August 16, 2023

Someone put up wooden "Christ is Love" signs at San Jose California highway entrances the week Roe was overturned. Shame somebody took the time to drive around and rip em all down the same night. *ahem*
posted by Abehammerb Lincoln at 11:24 AM on August 16, 2023 [9 favorites]

Humans are so weird. Religious ones especially.
posted by maxwelton at 11:25 AM on August 16, 2023 [2 favorites]

I think I meant grotto, not crèche. Anyway, here’s a Mary on the half shell, while the first photo here is an Our Lady of the Bathtub.
posted by eviemath at 11:59 AM on August 16, 2023 [1 favorite]

In Springfield, Ohio, there's a flashing neon light on a church
Jesus†Saves/ Sin🗲Kills
that's been there for 40? years.
posted by theora55 at 12:33 PM on August 16, 2023 [1 favorite]

michigan not only has hell, it has paradise, too - it's 60 miles from sault ste marie and 40 miles from newberry and is very, very close to god
posted by pyramid termite at 1:04 PM on August 16, 2023

Somewhere thereabouts I remember a washed out sign that said "Abortion Stops A Beating Heart" (actually a red Heart symbol). Originally bright red, the heart washed out by sunlight so the message read "Abortion Stops A Beating".
posted by hal9k at 1:59 PM on August 16, 2023 [5 favorites]

at a certain point the billboards with "There are 25,000 Lutherans within 50 miles of this sign" would start to appear. Always threatening.

About three per square mile, so I'm guessing the bark is worse than the bite.
posted by Flunkie at 2:12 PM on August 16, 2023 [2 favorites]

→ the giant cross in/near Effingham IL

We managed to pick up giardiasis from a Steak n Shake near that cross, and believe me, hell is real when your butt becomes a shit-laser every twenty minutes
posted by scruss at 3:38 PM on August 16, 2023 [1 favorite]

The bathtub Madonnas are a thing in Ireland too.
there is one directly across the street fro my grandmother's old house in Dublin. and loads in random spots in the countryside. The one in Dublin is rather fancy, with fake rocks, but I think some of the more rural ones are made with real bathtubs. I Imagine the design was originally from some sort of Catholic home craft magazine.
posted by Fuchsoid at 3:56 PM on August 16, 2023 [1 favorite]

Metafilter: shit-laser
posted by Sauce Trough at 3:57 PM on August 16, 2023

Tbh I was hoping for more cultural traction on the umlauts someone keeps spraying on the signs for the Hopple Street (Höpple Street lol) viaduct on I75 in Cincinnati
posted by toodleydoodley at 4:28 PM on August 16, 2023

Weird Ohio? Don't forget Cornhenge.
I visited it once.
posted by doctornemo at 4:56 PM on August 16, 2023

Earlier this year when the Ohio Tourism Board was in the midst of rebranding the state's tourism slogan, one online commenter suggested, "Hell is Real."


That's a bit stronger than "At least we're not Detroit."
posted by doctornemo at 5:00 PM on August 16, 2023 [2 favorites]

Back in the Clinton administration, someone suggested his home state's motto should be "Thank God for Mississippi". The idea was that, no matter how bad Arkansas' education attainment, average income or literacy levels might be, they were never quite the worst in the nation. All very unfair, I'm sure, but the joke has stuck in my mind ever since.
posted by Paul Slade at 6:32 AM on August 17, 2023 [1 favorite]

The yard Marys seem fine to me, personal expression and all that. It’s these mega signs that i find intrusive. Here in NC there’s plenty of stuff like the Hell sign. On the way from Raleigh to Asheville on I-40 there’s an ENORMOUS Confederate flag by the highway. I make a point of rolling down the window and giving it an extended 30 second middle finger every time.
posted by caviar2d2 at 8:42 AM on August 17, 2023 [1 favorite]

Grew up in Ohio, lived in four of its biggest cities across the state, and have traversed its interstates way more than is recommended or necessary. Seen all of the above-mentioned signage and landmarks. (For some reason my favorite is a series of four little signs, posted on utility poles along state highways, reading "Either Jesus"... "Never Was"... "Or He"... "Will Always Be!" Like sure, can I play the false dichotomy game too? Either Abe Lincoln's fictional or he'll never die!)

Anyhow, I've never seen ANYTHING like the pro-life and "Pray the rosary" billboards plastered here across Western Pennsylvania. Minimum one in EVERY small town, EVERY half mile in bigger towns (except Pittsburgh, probably), EVERY few dozen miles on the interstates, it's a big ol' pink manatee fetus begging for its totally viable life, or Mother Mary reminding us to pray to her about— but never blaming her for— the suffering on this mortal coil.

In short: hell is real, and there's a turf war here between evangelical Protestants and evangelical Catholics.
posted by Rykey at 9:46 AM on August 17, 2023 [1 favorite]

Back in the Clinton administration, someone suggested his home state's motto should be "Thank God for Mississippi".

I remember hearing versions of this across the South, state by state. In Louisiana, it was always better to feel better than Arkansas or Mississippi or Alabama.
posted by doctornemo at 7:38 PM on August 17, 2023