Scatter? I hardly knew 'er.

October 28, 2016 11:39 PM

Become a tattoo. Be a pencil. Reside in a creepy 3-D bust. These are some of the things you can do with your cremated remains.
posted by Johnny Wallflower (36 comments total)

"You will never again have to worry that you might forget what your loved one looked like when you invest in one of these custom made very lifelike cremation urns."

That was not a worry I had.
posted by zompist at 11:43 PM on October 28, 2016 [5 favorites]

Well, I find those busts horrifying, but I can't really judge because I'm someone who would totally get a cremated ash tattoo (or be delighted if someone did so with my own ashes) and I'm sure there are people who would be just as freaked out by that.
posted by gloriouslyincandescent at 1:48 AM on October 29, 2016

oh dear gosh, that is just too much for this early in the day.
posted by james33 at 3:21 AM on October 29, 2016 [2 favorites]

Do those crappy 3-d busts come in Dude or Donny?
posted by Foci for Analysis at 3:22 AM on October 29, 2016 [1 favorite]

I really love the Pencil one. I'd seriously consider doing that. Unfortunately, that story is from 2008 and it appears the artist, Nadine Jarvis, has fallen off the radar (her domain is for sale.) Here is a page featuring a few of her other remains-oriented projects.
posted by Thorzdad at 4:57 AM on October 29, 2016 [1 favorite]

I don't get how this is ok but wanting to be a book cover isn't.
posted by darksasami at 5:03 AM on October 29, 2016 [3 favorites]

> Reside in a creepy 3-D bust.

Can mine be placed inside Disney's Haunted House afterward?
posted by mystyk at 6:18 AM on October 29, 2016

FWIW, I've said for years that I'm interested in something similar to a natural burial, perhaps with planting a tree on top, though I will grant that Tibetan Sky Burial (which is a mixture of Buddhist and Zoroastrian practices), which is woefully lacking on that list, sounds pretty good too. Unfortunately, I don't think Veterans Cemeteries would be all that cool with either...

Whatever happens to my body, though, is no longer my problem. I spend more time worrying about those I'd leave behind. There are many ways I focus on that, but the most pertinent one here is that I don't want a traditional funeral, but rather a wake -- "Irish" style (a drinking party celebrating the life rather than a mournful event) modified to not have any body present.
posted by mystyk at 6:26 AM on October 29, 2016

I want my skull used in productions of Hamlet. However, my head is so massive it would require two gravediggers or Hamlet to have giant truckasaurus hands.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 6:27 AM on October 29, 2016 [3 favorites]

when I die, I want my family to snort lines of my ashes in my honour.
posted by greenhornet at 6:41 AM on October 29, 2016

Or if you were a musician, you could have your band distribute your ashes in their next album.
posted by mikeand1 at 6:55 AM on October 29, 2016 [6 favorites]

Do the busts come in Chia?
posted by darksasami at 6:57 AM on October 29, 2016 [2 favorites]

I visited the San Francisco Columbarium a few weeks ago (just off Geary Boulevard). That place is astonishing - if you live in the Bay Area I thoroughly encourage you to go. Many of the urns are accompanied by small custom dioramas representing the person interred there. It's beautifully touching - and the architecture is fascinating too.
posted by simonw at 7:13 AM on October 29, 2016

There's a company called Foreverence that's done 3D Printed Urns for a bunch of famous musicians: Bob Casale of DEVO (an Energy Dome), Lemmy Kilmeister (his hat), and even Prince (Paisley Park).
posted by SansPoint at 7:36 AM on October 29, 2016 [1 favorite]

No ashtray?
posted by Cat Pie Hurts at 7:56 AM on October 29, 2016 [1 favorite]

Thanks for the info about Jarvis, Thorzdad. Pictures of other projects are on her Design Museum page.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 8:00 AM on October 29, 2016

[From NPR] The Vatican has issued new guidelines recommending that the cremated remains of Catholics be buried in cemeteries, rather than scattered or kept at home.

"Following the most ancient Christian tradition, the Church insistently recommends that the bodies of the deceased be buried in cemeteries or other sacred places," state the guidelines released [25 October 2016] by the Vatican.
...
The newly articulated ash norms include not storing human cremains in the home and refraining from scattering ashes "in the air, on land, at sea or in some other way ... in order that every appearance of pantheism, naturalism or nihilism be avoided."

The creation of jewelry and other ash-containing mementos is also explicitly prohibited by the guidelines.
posted by Multicellular Exothermic at 8:18 AM on October 29, 2016 [2 favorites]

I am still trying to figure out what to do with my living remains. I am sure the scattering of ashes after an inexpensive cremation certainly undercuts the funeral incomes of churches, and diminishes their roles in the resolution of human life, which is human death. I am shocked and saddened the Catholic Church decided to tell people what to do based on avoidance of appearance. I thought that death permanently avoided the appearance of anything, for the deceased.
posted by Oyéah at 8:41 AM on October 29, 2016 [3 favorites]

Wouldn't you want to keep your living remains attached to your person?
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 9:15 AM on October 29, 2016 [3 favorites]

I saw something online a few years ago that you could have cremains turned into a diamond. Upon telling my wife about this she insisted if she passes before I do, that she wants to be turned into a diamond and, furthermore, if I remarry after she dies then the engagement ring I use to propose with will be made using the diamond made from her cremains. I think she was joking. I think.
posted by noneuclidean at 9:18 AM on October 29, 2016 [2 favorites]

I keep the earthly remains of all the wonderful people whose hands and hearts guided me on my way in every mirror in the world.
posted by sonascope at 9:24 AM on October 29, 2016 [2 favorites]

Another option is to be distributed along with your band's EP.
posted by kenko at 10:06 AM on October 29, 2016

When I die, I would like to be cloned so that my wife has to take care of a baby version of me. As in life, so in death.
posted by vorpal bunny at 11:10 AM on October 29, 2016 [1 favorite]

The biggest difference between the urns and a picture is that they are three-dimensional. People won't feel compelled to ask why you have it, and they certainly won't ask what's in it. It helps you keep the ashes a little more personal and private.

I've absolutely no objection to people storing remains in 3D printed models of their heads; but discretion and privacy don't really seem like the most significant advantages of this approach. Also, they don't say nearly enough about ordering custom facial expressions.

The pencil idea is neat. But, I fear it would mean saddling my friends with a box full of pencils that they'd save for special occasions and never actually use, forcing them to carry around a heavy thing from apartment to apartment until they eventually die and add yet more pencils to the collective moving burden of our mutual friends.

I've always thought being mixed with cement and cast into a public bench would be a rather nice final resting place. Scattered ashes are fine, but while I quite enjoy visiting the countryside, I wouldn't want to spend eternity - or, really, more than a week or so - there, were I alive. And I get sea-sick. As a symbolic resting place, it doesn't really work that well. And, when you scatter ashes on the subway platform you just make more work for the janitorial staff.

In a perfect world where I die of something non-communicable and am found very quickly, I'd prefer to be cooked as barbeque and served at a day-long wake, after which the hard bits and the not-appetizing bits would be cleaned up and given away as souvenirs. ('cause when else are you going to get the chance to try eating human in an ethically responsible way? Besides, a skull on the bookshelf is way more interesting and slightly less creepy than a 3D printed bust.) But, I suspect convincing the stewards of my remains to go through with the idea would be tough. To be fair, full-body medical donation is both more useful and also socially acceptable.
posted by eotvos at 11:17 AM on October 29, 2016 [1 favorite]

+1 for the San Francisco Columbarium suggestion. It's really amazing.
posted by not_the_water at 11:31 AM on October 29, 2016

In my will is the directive to have my ashes converted to precious stones. I plan to have my many carat diamond remains to grace the hand of my husband's next wife. Keep your friends and family close, but your enemies closer.
posted by jadepearl at 12:25 PM on October 29, 2016 [1 favorite]

Pretty rich for a religion that has saint relic bodyparts scattered everywhere to be fussy about what regular people have done with their bodies after death.

All the same, I would be happy to be wrapped in burlap and buried in the earth somewhere to quietly disintegrate, or failing that, be cremated then buried somewhere pretty. I don't like the idea of being scattered because I don't want my corpse ashes flying around or whatever, just put them in the dirt and let them finish getting recycled.
posted by emjaybee at 12:40 PM on October 29, 2016 [6 favorites]

well, to be fair, it's probably difficult to monetize other people's ashes.
posted by andrewcooke at 1:41 PM on October 29, 2016

You could certainly ask your band mates to distribute a portion of your ashes along with physical copies of your next music collection.
posted by Mr.Encyclopedia at 1:56 PM on October 29, 2016 [1 favorite]

I need a will now so I can demand a creepy 3D head for my remains. Haunt the husband forever!
posted by dame at 2:41 PM on October 29, 2016

I would also like my corpse to be fired out of a circus cannon into an active volcano, but that's really more of a big party/wake thing.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 3:48 PM on October 29, 2016

Eponyyouknowwhat
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 4:14 PM on October 29, 2016

Weird to see this post, because apparently scattered ashes caused the opera to cancel performances today.
posted by grae at 8:47 PM on October 29, 2016 [2 favorites]

hey you guys hear about the negativland thing
posted by Rev. Syung Myung Me at 10:02 PM on October 29, 2016 [4 favorites]

grae and Rev. Me this is weird 'cause I work at the Met and I own the new Negativland album with some of Don Joyce'a ashes.
posted by SansPoint at 11:59 PM on October 29, 2016 [1 favorite]

What, no option for a becaped friend to throw them in the face of your lifelong nemesis while shouting "REVENGE, FROM BEYOOOND THE GRAAAVE"?
posted by lucidium at 2:21 PM on November 1, 2016 [1 favorite]