Planning My Wedding As A Non-Binary Bride
June 5, 2018 3:17 PM Subscribe
Claire Rudy Foster: "When I was young, there was no word for what I was – or what I was not. Even now, the words we have are incomplete. I struggle to describe myself. “Not a girl” is usually as far as I get. The closest our language has so far for a person like me is “non-binary,” meaning I exist outside the “masculine” and “feminine” gender norms. It means that, walking down the block, I will get called both “sir” and “ma’am” before I even cross the street – and neither will be right." Claire Rudy Foster is a writer.
Link with images (including Grace Kelly's blue dress)
posted by CheapB at 4:14 PM on June 5, 2018 [6 favorites]
posted by CheapB at 4:14 PM on June 5, 2018 [6 favorites]
This is such a wonderfully beautiful and heartfelt essay. Claire Rudy does an amazing job capturing and explaining mixed feelings, fears and hopes... and the path they're on.
Big smiles and cheers from me for this: "When I walk down the aisle this time, in front of every person who knows me, it will be as someone who lives in their body."
Thanks so much for posting this. Loved it.
posted by zarq at 4:21 PM on June 5, 2018 [2 favorites]
Big smiles and cheers from me for this: "When I walk down the aisle this time, in front of every person who knows me, it will be as someone who lives in their body."
Thanks so much for posting this. Loved it.
posted by zarq at 4:21 PM on June 5, 2018 [2 favorites]
“I feel like I’m wearing a rubber suit all the time and nobody can see me inside it.”
aw jeez oh man
I'm pretty sure I'm more masculine-of-center than Foster (I was perfectly happy getting married in a suit a month and a half ago), but oof that got me right in the feels
posted by The demon that lives in the air at 4:53 PM on June 5, 2018 [4 favorites]
aw jeez oh man
I'm pretty sure I'm more masculine-of-center than Foster (I was perfectly happy getting married in a suit a month and a half ago), but oof that got me right in the feels
posted by The demon that lives in the air at 4:53 PM on June 5, 2018 [4 favorites]
AAAH I WANT TO SEE CLAIRE'S FINISHED OUTFIT ARE THEY MARRIED YET ALREADY
posted by The Underpants Monster at 5:25 PM on June 5, 2018 [20 favorites]
posted by The Underpants Monster at 5:25 PM on June 5, 2018 [20 favorites]
"But as the relationship progressed, I could tell that he needed me to be feminine. He craved it. If I ever looked or acted like a girl, it owned him, totally."
My first serious relationship was like this, it was terrifying and kept me from figuring out anything about myself for many extra years as I squished myself into feminine clothing and a feminine role. He wanted me to be a stereotype of a 50's stay at home wife while working full time (and I could stand to lose 60lb and quit being so selfish as to want minor things like not being abused, too).
"When I walk down the aisle this time, in front of every person who knows me, it will be as someone who lives in their body. Not a bride on a cake, but as myself, a person who is too complicated for the simple rituals that are the pattern of our lives."
I hope to get there someday. Starting hormones in 10 days, finally. I hope other people who are being pushed into fulfilling a role they don't fit in see articles like this one and maybe see themselves in it. I know it was seeing stories of AFAB non-binary and trans people, particularly people who didn't fit the classic "I've known since I was a toddler" story, that helped me figure it out.
posted by polychromie at 5:32 PM on June 5, 2018 [18 favorites]
My first serious relationship was like this, it was terrifying and kept me from figuring out anything about myself for many extra years as I squished myself into feminine clothing and a feminine role. He wanted me to be a stereotype of a 50's stay at home wife while working full time (and I could stand to lose 60lb and quit being so selfish as to want minor things like not being abused, too).
"When I walk down the aisle this time, in front of every person who knows me, it will be as someone who lives in their body. Not a bride on a cake, but as myself, a person who is too complicated for the simple rituals that are the pattern of our lives."
I hope to get there someday. Starting hormones in 10 days, finally. I hope other people who are being pushed into fulfilling a role they don't fit in see articles like this one and maybe see themselves in it. I know it was seeing stories of AFAB non-binary and trans people, particularly people who didn't fit the classic "I've known since I was a toddler" story, that helped me figure it out.
posted by polychromie at 5:32 PM on June 5, 2018 [18 favorites]
> AAAH I WANT TO SEE CLAIRE'S FINISHED OUTFIT ARE THEY MARRIED YET ALREADY
I was actually very interested to see it too but I think that really goes against the spirit of the essay. The whole point was that nothing physical really captured the way she or her husband felt about herself. "Simple", "sleek", "elegant", "bubble of pure light." All very undescriptive yet evocative terms. I think actually seeing it would only cheapen the point of the post.
posted by piter at 5:35 PM on June 5, 2018 [3 favorites]
I was actually very interested to see it too but I think that really goes against the spirit of the essay. The whole point was that nothing physical really captured the way she or her husband felt about herself. "Simple", "sleek", "elegant", "bubble of pure light." All very undescriptive yet evocative terms. I think actually seeing it would only cheapen the point of the post.
posted by piter at 5:35 PM on June 5, 2018 [3 favorites]
AAAH I WANT TO SEE CLAIRE'S FINISHED OUTFIT ARE THEY MARRIED YET ALREADY
I also wanted to see what the uncle created for them. The uncle seemed kind of fabulous in all ways and seemed to love them very very much. It’s really nice when family just loves each other and tries to help with their particular talents.
posted by corb at 6:37 PM on June 5, 2018 [6 favorites]
I also wanted to see what the uncle created for them. The uncle seemed kind of fabulous in all ways and seemed to love them very very much. It’s really nice when family just loves each other and tries to help with their particular talents.
posted by corb at 6:37 PM on June 5, 2018 [6 favorites]
My partner and I are both nonbinary and we've had a few 'what the hell do we wear when we get married?' talks. I haven't settled on anything, although I'm a fan of the jeans and suit top Caleb Gallo wore. Wanting something unique that speaks to a very vague feeling and not just wearing masculine clothes or mixing and matching.
Also I can relate to dating cis men who get weird when you do or don't act feminine ):
But this made me think of this comic about what to even call yourself.
posted by gaybobbie at 6:58 PM on June 5, 2018 [3 favorites]
Also I can relate to dating cis men who get weird when you do or don't act feminine ):
But this made me think of this comic about what to even call yourself.
posted by gaybobbie at 6:58 PM on June 5, 2018 [3 favorites]
Thank you for posting this. It's good to hear about other people who have struggled with non-binary identity and presentation, and the ways weddings really force the gender binary to the forefront of everything.
When I married my wife (who wore the most beautiful wedding dress ever) I had absolutely no IDEA what to wear - I feel like a fricking impostor when I'm in a dress, but I don't identify as masculine and had no desire whatsoever to wear a tux. Yet those seemed like the only "valid" options whenever I'd look for ideas, and it led to quite the little meltdown on my part the day my wife took me shopping. No matter how nice the outfit, every time I tried something on and looked at myself in the mirror all I saw was a failed woman who couldn't just suck it the fuck up and put on a damn dress for the most special day of her life, or at least complete the matched set by donning a tux. Thank goodness my wife was there - she was patient and loving and assured me she didn't care what anybody else thought of my outfit, that she wanted to marry me as my authentic self regardless of what that meant I wore. Eventually she helped me find a wonderfully happy purple top and dress pants I actually felt good in, and on our wedding day I felt like me, not like "Woman [or Man] Getting Married." I look at our wedding pictures and feel joy - I see myself there, not some gross faker in a costume.
(speaking of costumes, I used to joke about wearing a chicken costume to my wedding ... and really, I would have felt more like myself in that than in a dress or tux)
posted by DingoMutt at 7:19 PM on June 5, 2018 [11 favorites]
When I married my wife (who wore the most beautiful wedding dress ever) I had absolutely no IDEA what to wear - I feel like a fricking impostor when I'm in a dress, but I don't identify as masculine and had no desire whatsoever to wear a tux. Yet those seemed like the only "valid" options whenever I'd look for ideas, and it led to quite the little meltdown on my part the day my wife took me shopping. No matter how nice the outfit, every time I tried something on and looked at myself in the mirror all I saw was a failed woman who couldn't just suck it the fuck up and put on a damn dress for the most special day of her life, or at least complete the matched set by donning a tux. Thank goodness my wife was there - she was patient and loving and assured me she didn't care what anybody else thought of my outfit, that she wanted to marry me as my authentic self regardless of what that meant I wore. Eventually she helped me find a wonderfully happy purple top and dress pants I actually felt good in, and on our wedding day I felt like me, not like "Woman [or Man] Getting Married." I look at our wedding pictures and feel joy - I see myself there, not some gross faker in a costume.
(speaking of costumes, I used to joke about wearing a chicken costume to my wedding ... and really, I would have felt more like myself in that than in a dress or tux)
posted by DingoMutt at 7:19 PM on June 5, 2018 [11 favorites]
FIRST of all, this essay made me cry.
Second, who else wants pictures of the ring and the sleek seahorse dress??
And third, can I see a biopic about Claire's uncle, please.
posted by BaffledWaffle at 8:13 PM on June 5, 2018 [8 favorites]
Second, who else wants pictures of the ring and the sleek seahorse dress??
And third, can I see a biopic about Claire's uncle, please.
posted by BaffledWaffle at 8:13 PM on June 5, 2018 [8 favorites]
Thinking more about participating in weddings, even when you're not the bride this whole feminine/masculine binary can come down on you pretty heavily - I had yet ANOTHER round of issues earlier this spring while trying to find an appropriate outfit for my sister's wedding, for which I was her maid(ish)-of honor. I love my sister so much, and wanted so much to wear something that expressed how delighted I was for her and her husband - but again I felt like I was supposed to be there not just as "person who is delighted to be part of the wedding" but as "WOMAN [or MASCULINE WOMAN] who is delighted to be part of the wedding." My sister invited me to wear "whatever made me feel pretty" ... well, shit, even the idea of dressing to look "pretty" made me feel gross. And with my own wedding, at least I knew my wife understood and supported me - but someone else's wedding isn't exactly the time to be airing your conflicted feelings over your own gender identity, you know?
Once again the DingoWife came to the rescue and helped me pick out an outfit that suited the occasion (complete with borrowed dress pants of hers) yet still allowed me to feel like myself. But I feel fortunate that my sister was so willing to let me dress how I wanted - I probably would have sucked it up and donned the costume if she'd been dead-set on having me in a dress, but I would have felt like a decorated object the whole time.
There are other situations where this comes up (right now I'm mildly concerned about the prospects of working with a particular clinical supervisor in my grad program who is VERY into "professional presentation" - I don't know if that means she's going to expect me to wear makeup, and I don't know how I'll navigate that if so), and it just stinks. I don't necessarily mind identifying as a woman in the abstract but shit, I am not feminine. I am not masculine. I just wish there were more room for being comfortable about being neither of those things.
posted by DingoMutt at 8:37 PM on June 5, 2018 [12 favorites]
Once again the DingoWife came to the rescue and helped me pick out an outfit that suited the occasion (complete with borrowed dress pants of hers) yet still allowed me to feel like myself. But I feel fortunate that my sister was so willing to let me dress how I wanted - I probably would have sucked it up and donned the costume if she'd been dead-set on having me in a dress, but I would have felt like a decorated object the whole time.
There are other situations where this comes up (right now I'm mildly concerned about the prospects of working with a particular clinical supervisor in my grad program who is VERY into "professional presentation" - I don't know if that means she's going to expect me to wear makeup, and I don't know how I'll navigate that if so), and it just stinks. I don't necessarily mind identifying as a woman in the abstract but shit, I am not feminine. I am not masculine. I just wish there were more room for being comfortable about being neither of those things.
posted by DingoMutt at 8:37 PM on June 5, 2018 [12 favorites]
...for which I was her maid(ish)-of honor. I love my sister so much, and wanted so much to wear something that expressed how delighted I was for her and her husband - but again I felt like I was supposed to be there not just as "person who is delighted to be part of the wedding" but as "WOMAN [or MASCULINE WOMAN] who is delighted to be part of the wedding."
That's why I like the more neutral- sounding "honor attendant," which I've actually seen in etiquette books going back to the early 20th century.
If I had been the uncle, with all those light blue silks on hand, I think I would have suggested an Indian-influenced long tunic and loose trousers. Both Indian men and women wear kurta, and it can look really dressed-up as well as being comfortable. And when it's done in silk or light cotton, it can really flow and drape.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 11:13 PM on June 5, 2018 [8 favorites]
That's why I like the more neutral- sounding "honor attendant," which I've actually seen in etiquette books going back to the early 20th century.
If I had been the uncle, with all those light blue silks on hand, I think I would have suggested an Indian-influenced long tunic and loose trousers. Both Indian men and women wear kurta, and it can look really dressed-up as well as being comfortable. And when it's done in silk or light cotton, it can really flow and drape.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 11:13 PM on June 5, 2018 [8 favorites]
Claire had a separate article published in the NYT this week, similar topic: When Neither Male Nor Female Seem To Fit
posted by hopeless romantique at 11:24 PM on June 5, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by hopeless romantique at 11:24 PM on June 5, 2018 [1 favorite]
This made me cry, too.
Oh, a lot of nonbinary feelings, but mostly appreciation for my spouse who has been intuitively accepting and loving and has honored me every single step of my journey, even though we got together when I was eighteen and deeply closeted, who never even blinked when I insisted that of course I was keeping my name (and later giving it to my child), of course we would walk down the aisle together, both wearing brown. Early in our relationship, he gave me a pocket watch. Women's jackets don't have pockets I complained but now I see how he was recognizing me, even then. When I came out to him, his answer was a loving shrug--he already knew. Then, this past Christmas, he gave me a beautiful knife, to keep in my (men's) jacket pocket. "If you're a boy sometimes, you need a knife."
Having a cis male partner has in some ways made the journey more complicated (decades of being excluded from queer spaces for "straight passing privilege," ftn) but I can't imagine having made it alone.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 5:16 AM on June 6, 2018 [25 favorites]
Oh, a lot of nonbinary feelings, but mostly appreciation for my spouse who has been intuitively accepting and loving and has honored me every single step of my journey, even though we got together when I was eighteen and deeply closeted, who never even blinked when I insisted that of course I was keeping my name (and later giving it to my child), of course we would walk down the aisle together, both wearing brown. Early in our relationship, he gave me a pocket watch. Women's jackets don't have pockets I complained but now I see how he was recognizing me, even then. When I came out to him, his answer was a loving shrug--he already knew. Then, this past Christmas, he gave me a beautiful knife, to keep in my (men's) jacket pocket. "If you're a boy sometimes, you need a knife."
Having a cis male partner has in some ways made the journey more complicated (decades of being excluded from queer spaces for "straight passing privilege," ftn) but I can't imagine having made it alone.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 5:16 AM on June 6, 2018 [25 favorites]
Planning our commitment ceremony as two queer people back in the 90s was an exercise in trying to dogpaddle sideways against a riptide of heterosexism. I was sobered by a work-downtime conversation that both hit all the same old stereotypes about celebration, and the realization that half of our attendants are no longer alive. I'm a bit ambivalent about whether I'd do it over again.
posted by GenderNullPointerException at 6:00 AM on June 6, 2018
posted by GenderNullPointerException at 6:00 AM on June 6, 2018
This is a great essay, very direct and human. I hope there is a future update with a photo of the dress, too -- it sounds amazing.
I am about as cis as cis gets, but I really love reading these stories (including in comments here) of people finding ways to express or become or grow into their true selves. By and large this wasn't a possibility when I was young, and seeing these pathways start to open up is wonderful.
posted by Dip Flash at 6:10 AM on June 6, 2018 [2 favorites]
I am about as cis as cis gets, but I really love reading these stories (including in comments here) of people finding ways to express or become or grow into their true selves. By and large this wasn't a possibility when I was young, and seeing these pathways start to open up is wonderful.
posted by Dip Flash at 6:10 AM on June 6, 2018 [2 favorites]
Beyond personal feelings of compatibility with one presentation or another, there's also the wrinkle of knowing how other people are going to read it. Just on my own, in isolation, anything goes -- my personal aesthetic doesn't skew toward or away from any classes of gendered fashion. But knowing that if I wear such-and-such I will be read as male or female, that rankles. And worst of all is going to see family and knowing that certain choices of clothing will be seen as capitulation, "finally you're dressing like you should".
posted by inconstant at 6:36 AM on June 6, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by inconstant at 6:36 AM on June 6, 2018 [2 favorites]
I am about as cis as cis gets, but I really love reading these stories (including in comments here) of people finding ways to express or become or grow into their true selves. By and large this wasn't a possibility when I was young, and seeing these pathways start to open up is wonderful.
I feel the same way! I am extremely cis and also very bi and I love reading about the validating experiences of my siblings who also occupy, for want of a better term, an in-between place. It fills me with joy to see people growing happier with themselves and developing supportive relationships on their own terms.
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 6:51 AM on June 6, 2018 [1 favorite]
I feel the same way! I am extremely cis and also very bi and I love reading about the validating experiences of my siblings who also occupy, for want of a better term, an in-between place. It fills me with joy to see people growing happier with themselves and developing supportive relationships on their own terms.
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 6:51 AM on June 6, 2018 [1 favorite]
I had read the NYT article earlier this week, love Claire Rudy's writing, this was a beautiful piece. I'm glad the Guardian is publishing work from Narratively and Catapult.
posted by ellieBOA at 6:56 AM on June 6, 2018
posted by ellieBOA at 6:56 AM on June 6, 2018
nothing physical really captured the way she or her husband felt about herself
That's the whole essence of nonbinary presentation for me. I just present like a guy (if a touch nerdy and weird sometimes) because it's sort of an easy default, avoids awkward questions and extreme social discomfort or potential danger, and nothing else is going to be right either anyway.
I wish I could dress aerodynamically, but I'm stuck with more of a pufferfish body than a seahorse.
posted by Foosnark at 7:01 AM on June 6, 2018 [4 favorites]
That's the whole essence of nonbinary presentation for me. I just present like a guy (if a touch nerdy and weird sometimes) because it's sort of an easy default, avoids awkward questions and extreme social discomfort or potential danger, and nothing else is going to be right either anyway.
I wish I could dress aerodynamically, but I'm stuck with more of a pufferfish body than a seahorse.
posted by Foosnark at 7:01 AM on June 6, 2018 [4 favorites]
“I feel like I’m wearing a rubber suit all the time and nobody can see me inside it.”
Something like that.
posted by GenderNullPointerException at 8:32 AM on June 6, 2018
Something like that.
posted by GenderNullPointerException at 8:32 AM on June 6, 2018
« Older IHOP to IHOBut wait what? | (Fool) if you think it's uber Newer »
This thread has been archived and is closed to new comments
posted by avocet at 3:52 PM on June 5, 2018 [1 favorite]