Achtung baby
May 20, 2014 10:24 AM Subscribe
The world's tallest water slide is about to open in Kansas City, MO at the Schlitterbahn Kansas City Waterpark. To ride Verrückt, riders climb 264 steps to the top before being strapped into a raft ("NO Wedgies!") and plumetting seventeen stories. Statue of Liberty for scale. The current (tentative) opening date is June 5, 2014. Cheesy promotional video.
Holy dicks that photo. It's like the Burj Khalifa of water slides.
posted by invitapriore at 10:32 AM on May 20, 2014 [5 favorites]
posted by invitapriore at 10:32 AM on May 20, 2014 [5 favorites]
Goodness, that link worked a second ago! Probably an anti-hotlinking measure. Let me try to find another source. edit: It was just the first image from this search.
posted by rouftop at 10:32 AM on May 20, 2014
posted by rouftop at 10:32 AM on May 20, 2014
Too bad about the raft bit.
posted by grumpybear69 at 10:38 AM on May 20, 2014
posted by grumpybear69 at 10:38 AM on May 20, 2014
About 18 years ago I went down the tall slide at Disney's Hurricane Harbor. Exhilarating, and the sheer amour and force of water that shoots up your crotch and swim trunks is awesome. This DWARFS that slide. Don't know if I could muster the courage sans alcohol.
posted by jeff-o-matic at 10:45 AM on May 20, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by jeff-o-matic at 10:45 AM on May 20, 2014 [2 favorites]
Meetup?
posted by bondcliff at 10:46 AM on May 20, 2014 [6 favorites]
posted by bondcliff at 10:46 AM on May 20, 2014 [6 favorites]
Ah, yeah the raft kinda deflates the craziness of it.
posted by jeff-o-matic at 10:48 AM on May 20, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by jeff-o-matic at 10:48 AM on May 20, 2014 [1 favorite]
For some reason, I read "No Wedgies" as "No Weddings." I was all, "Who the HELL has the vocal control to say even something as simple as 'I do' on a drop like that?"
posted by The Underpants Monster at 10:48 AM on May 20, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by The Underpants Monster at 10:48 AM on May 20, 2014 [2 favorites]
Ha ha ha. Fuck no.
I do love this from the slide's FAQ: "Are you going to test it first?"
Seriously?! This is a frequently asked question? Just what sort of history does this place have?
posted by mosk at 10:52 AM on May 20, 2014 [10 favorites]
I do love this from the slide's FAQ: "Are you going to test it first?"
Seriously?! This is a frequently asked question? Just what sort of history does this place have?
posted by mosk at 10:52 AM on May 20, 2014 [10 favorites]
Actually, for me, the raft kind of makes it more crazy. Aside from the friction burns and stuff, I'd feel safer going down without the raft, because I just imagine the raft functioning like a wing somehow and gaining enough lift that it separates from the slide a little bit, and then things rapidly deteriorate once the wind catches it. Especially so since with 4 people on it, the center of gravity will be fairly high, so once it separates from the slide, it'll twist or rotate over (at least in my imagination).
posted by LionIndex at 10:53 AM on May 20, 2014 [22 favorites]
posted by LionIndex at 10:53 AM on May 20, 2014 [22 favorites]
I just wrote some alternative lyrics to that choral music on the video on the first link:
"No, no, no ,no, no, no, no, no, no, no, nooooooooooooooooooooooo, no." They should feel free to use them.
posted by yoink at 10:55 AM on May 20, 2014 [18 favorites]
"No, no, no ,no, no, no, no, no, no, no, nooooooooooooooooooooooo, no." They should feel free to use them.
posted by yoink at 10:55 AM on May 20, 2014 [18 favorites]
(heaves lunch into nearby garbage can)
Y'all go ahead. I'm going to wait down here and nap on this bench or somethin'.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 10:58 AM on May 20, 2014 [5 favorites]
Y'all go ahead. I'm going to wait down here and nap on this bench or somethin'.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 10:58 AM on May 20, 2014 [5 favorites]
At least they had the common sense to not end that slide in a loop...
posted by bigendian at 11:00 AM on May 20, 2014 [4 favorites]
posted by bigendian at 11:00 AM on May 20, 2014 [4 favorites]
I cannot describe how much I don't want to go down a water slide in a little raft at 65 miles per hour.
posted by jeather at 11:00 AM on May 20, 2014 [24 favorites]
posted by jeather at 11:00 AM on May 20, 2014 [24 favorites]
NOPE NOPE NOPE
If forced to decide, I would rather eat spiders than do this. And I've gone skydiving.
posted by desjardins at 11:02 AM on May 20, 2014 [1 favorite]
If forced to decide, I would rather eat spiders than do this. And I've gone skydiving.
posted by desjardins at 11:02 AM on May 20, 2014 [1 favorite]
My stepdaughter is going to this place this summer and I am going to be quietly pissed and worried if she goes on this thing. Hopefully she won't...
posted by Our Ship Of The Imagination! at 11:02 AM on May 20, 2014
posted by Our Ship Of The Imagination! at 11:02 AM on May 20, 2014
Verrückt is German for "flecked with feces and vomit."
posted by nathancaswell at 11:04 AM on May 20, 2014 [23 favorites]
posted by nathancaswell at 11:04 AM on May 20, 2014 [23 favorites]
so do you have to carry your raft to the top, or does that appear up there?
posted by defcom1 at 11:05 AM on May 20, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by defcom1 at 11:05 AM on May 20, 2014 [3 favorites]
oh nevermind, i see the conveyor belt on the side now...
posted by defcom1 at 11:06 AM on May 20, 2014
posted by defcom1 at 11:06 AM on May 20, 2014
Actually, for me, the raft kind of makes it more crazy.
I agree, I have gone down multiple extremely steep 10+ story waterslides and i have never had any fear of discomfort or bodily injury from the slide itself. My fear has always been that something will kick me free of the slide surface in near freefall and I will drift to the left or right. That seems far more likely with a raft.
posted by 256 at 11:08 AM on May 20, 2014 [4 favorites]
I agree, I have gone down multiple extremely steep 10+ story waterslides and i have never had any fear of discomfort or bodily injury from the slide itself. My fear has always been that something will kick me free of the slide surface in near freefall and I will drift to the left or right. That seems far more likely with a raft.
posted by 256 at 11:08 AM on May 20, 2014 [4 favorites]
Schlitterbahn. SCHLITTERBAHN SCHLITTERBAHN SCHLITTERBAHN.
posted by Vic Morrow's Personal Vietnam at 11:09 AM on May 20, 2014 [8 favorites]
posted by Vic Morrow's Personal Vietnam at 11:09 AM on May 20, 2014 [8 favorites]
Ah, I see from the FAQ that it will be enclosed by netting, so the raft cannot in fact go sailing off into oblivion. The worst that can happen is merely that it will overturn and land in a position such that your face is forced into a 65-mph curbstomp for the remainder of the ride. I'm glad that's settled.
posted by LionIndex at 11:10 AM on May 20, 2014 [54 favorites]
posted by LionIndex at 11:10 AM on May 20, 2014 [54 favorites]
Also very much an aside but I had to chuckle at the diagram thing where they say it's equivalent to jumping 21 semi trucks, and then illustrates that with a picture of 7 semi trucks and a legend that says a picture of a semi truck = 3 semi trucks.
posted by RobotHero at 11:22 AM on May 20, 2014 [74 favorites]
posted by RobotHero at 11:22 AM on May 20, 2014 [74 favorites]
I would rather eat spiders than do this.
Then you really must try the Fried Cheez-N-Stuff PuffsTM at the SchlitterFun Snack Pavillion.
posted by Atom Eyes at 11:23 AM on May 20, 2014 [11 favorites]
Then you really must try the Fried Cheez-N-Stuff PuffsTM at the SchlitterFun Snack Pavillion.
posted by Atom Eyes at 11:23 AM on May 20, 2014 [11 favorites]
Ah, I see from the FAQ that it will be enclosed by netting, so the raft cannot in fact go sailing off into oblivion. The worst that can happen is merely that it will overturn and land in a position such that your face is forced into a 65-mph curbstomp for the remainder of the ride.
I say it's no later than the second weekend before some kid loses a finger in the netting. I don't care how far from the slide the netting is -- stupid finds a way.
posted by Etrigan at 11:24 AM on May 20, 2014 [10 favorites]
I say it's no later than the second weekend before some kid loses a finger in the netting. I don't care how far from the slide the netting is -- stupid finds a way.
posted by Etrigan at 11:24 AM on May 20, 2014 [10 favorites]
Schlitterbahn more like shitted bairns amirite?
posted by lalochezia at 11:27 AM on May 20, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by lalochezia at 11:27 AM on May 20, 2014 [3 favorites]
Waiting for the GoPro video so I can say NOPE to it in HD.
posted by Room 641-A at 11:29 AM on May 20, 2014
posted by Room 641-A at 11:29 AM on May 20, 2014
Actually, nathancaswell, in the Tex-German idiom of New Braunfels (home of the first Schlitterbaun), Verrückt means "totally f*cked". As in, "After that final, my grades are Verrückt.", "You should never have touched her sister. You really Verrückt now.", etc.
Totally appropriate name.
posted by pbrim at 11:30 AM on May 20, 2014 [8 favorites]
Totally appropriate name.
posted by pbrim at 11:30 AM on May 20, 2014 [8 favorites]
I made a regular size water slide unridable by my son with two words:
"Fiberglass splinter"
I don't think I need any for this one.
posted by cccorlew at 11:32 AM on May 20, 2014 [1 favorite]
"Fiberglass splinter"
I don't think I need any for this one.
posted by cccorlew at 11:32 AM on May 20, 2014 [1 favorite]
Not that it doesn't seem scary, but calling it a water slide seems generous. It seems like a really steep log flume with yellow logs.
posted by feloniousmonk at 11:33 AM on May 20, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by feloniousmonk at 11:33 AM on May 20, 2014 [2 favorites]
mosk: I do love this from the slide's FAQ: "Are you going to test it first?"
Seriously?! This is a frequently asked question? Just what sort of history does this place have?
These people must have flashbacks from Action Park
posted by dr_dank at 11:39 AM on May 20, 2014
Seriously?! This is a frequently asked question? Just what sort of history does this place have?
These people must have flashbacks from Action Park
posted by dr_dank at 11:39 AM on May 20, 2014
I like that the raft gets an elevator but everyone else has to spend half the day on the stairs.
posted by hypersloth at 11:39 AM on May 20, 2014 [12 favorites]
posted by hypersloth at 11:39 AM on May 20, 2014 [12 favorites]
Why have just one heart attack from climbing 264 stairs when you can have two heart attacks from also riding the slide?
posted by tommasz at 11:52 AM on May 20, 2014 [5 favorites]
posted by tommasz at 11:52 AM on May 20, 2014 [5 favorites]
Why have just one heart attack from climbing 264 stairs when you can have two heart attacks from also riding the slide?
And would your lifeless body be able to take the elevator, or would they just push it down the slide to the paramedics waiting below?
posted by Celsius1414 at 11:57 AM on May 20, 2014 [7 favorites]
And would your lifeless body be able to take the elevator, or would they just push it down the slide to the paramedics waiting below?
posted by Celsius1414 at 11:57 AM on May 20, 2014 [7 favorites]
I went to this water slide in Puerto Vallarta about 2 years ago.
As it turns out, the average visitor is not 6'8" and 350lbs. My wife was at the bottom in the wading pool having just gone down herself.
She said when I went down I appeared to be moving at near the speed of light, catching at least 10 ft. of air in the process and skipping the last two sections of the slide. The employees were staring in stunned silence as I came within inches of hitting the concrete sidewalk directly next to it.
My entry into the water was meteoric. Water was forced through every orifice in my body and I hit the bottom of the pool (which was about 7 ft deep) with an audible thud. How I am not telling this story in a wheelchair is beyond me. I would guess it was the 8 Pacifico's I drank before going down.
The fact the waterslide in the post is FIVE TIMES as high is just hilarious to me.
posted by lattiboy at 11:58 AM on May 20, 2014 [83 favorites]
As it turns out, the average visitor is not 6'8" and 350lbs. My wife was at the bottom in the wading pool having just gone down herself.
She said when I went down I appeared to be moving at near the speed of light, catching at least 10 ft. of air in the process and skipping the last two sections of the slide. The employees were staring in stunned silence as I came within inches of hitting the concrete sidewalk directly next to it.
My entry into the water was meteoric. Water was forced through every orifice in my body and I hit the bottom of the pool (which was about 7 ft deep) with an audible thud. How I am not telling this story in a wheelchair is beyond me. I would guess it was the 8 Pacifico's I drank before going down.
The fact the waterslide in the post is FIVE TIMES as high is just hilarious to me.
posted by lattiboy at 11:58 AM on May 20, 2014 [83 favorites]
As a very tall person who gets vertigo from doing the slide at my kids' playground, let me add one more voice to the chorus of NOPE.
Also, for some reason, puts me in the mind of this thing.
posted by jbickers at 12:06 PM on May 20, 2014 [15 favorites]
Also, for some reason, puts me in the mind of this thing.
posted by jbickers at 12:06 PM on May 20, 2014 [15 favorites]
I totally would - my wife totally wouldn't let me. (I think she cares about me or something)
posted by drewbage1847 at 12:13 PM on May 20, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by drewbage1847 at 12:13 PM on May 20, 2014 [2 favorites]
jbickers: "Also, for some reason, puts me in the mind of this thing."
Holy what in the
posted by Big_B at 12:21 PM on May 20, 2014 [1 favorite]
Holy what in the
posted by Big_B at 12:21 PM on May 20, 2014 [1 favorite]
ACH DU LIEBER GOTT IN HIMMEL NEIN!
posted by droplet at 12:24 PM on May 20, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by droplet at 12:24 PM on May 20, 2014 [2 favorites]
Sorry wheat farmers. There's not enough water for your irrigation needs because we need it for the extreme waterpark.
posted by perhapses at 12:29 PM on May 20, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by perhapses at 12:29 PM on May 20, 2014 [3 favorites]
Guest 349: The "Verrückt" water slide looks too extreme for me.
posted by usonian at 12:37 PM on May 20, 2014 [12 favorites]
posted by usonian at 12:37 PM on May 20, 2014 [12 favorites]
There needs to be a "no eating for 12 hours before" rule or this ride will swiftly move from "water slide" to "sewage canal."
posted by Joey Michaels at 12:50 PM on May 20, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by Joey Michaels at 12:50 PM on May 20, 2014 [1 favorite]
I feel like I have the capacity to understand a good many things, but waterparks has never been among them.
posted by Lutoslawski at 1:18 PM on May 20, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by Lutoslawski at 1:18 PM on May 20, 2014 [1 favorite]
What are the safety laws around waterslides, I wonder? Is there any upper limit to how high they can safely be, or is that just one of those laws that won't get written till somebody dies?
posted by emjaybee at 1:22 PM on May 20, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by emjaybee at 1:22 PM on May 20, 2014 [1 favorite]
What are the safety laws around waterslides, I wonder?
This thread deserves a waterslide fail compilation. #topless #noregrets #lawsuitcam
posted by four panels at 1:30 PM on May 20, 2014 [7 favorites]
This thread deserves a waterslide fail compilation. #topless #noregrets #lawsuitcam
posted by four panels at 1:30 PM on May 20, 2014 [7 favorites]
My next door neighbors growing up had an above-ground pool with a water slide built on top of it. On the other side of the pool was a concrete tennis court. We used to climb the water slide and jump into the pool from the top. Occasionally, someone would slip backwards and fall into the tennis court.
No, this comment doesn't have much to do with that water slide, but I'll bet some kid will want to jump off it at some point. I almost do.
posted by xingcat at 1:30 PM on May 20, 2014
No, this comment doesn't have much to do with that water slide, but I'll bet some kid will want to jump off it at some point. I almost do.
posted by xingcat at 1:30 PM on May 20, 2014
lattiboy: I went to this water slide in Puerto Vallarta about 2 years ago.
As it turns out, the average visitor is not 6'8" and 350lbs.
This is Kansas City, and while 6'8" is still an outlier, 350lbs is probably average, so it's probably designed with that in mind.
And they'll all be wearing swimsuits.
I, for one, have no intention of riding this, ever, despite only being about 40 minutes from it.
posted by jferg at 1:33 PM on May 20, 2014
As it turns out, the average visitor is not 6'8" and 350lbs.
This is Kansas City, and while 6'8" is still an outlier, 350lbs is probably average, so it's probably designed with that in mind.
And they'll all be wearing swimsuits.
I, for one, have no intention of riding this, ever, despite only being about 40 minutes from it.
posted by jferg at 1:33 PM on May 20, 2014
YOLO
posted by Wordshore at 1:36 PM on May 20, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by Wordshore at 1:36 PM on May 20, 2014 [3 favorites]
This has Look Away written all over it.
posted by Lipstick Thespian at 1:49 PM on May 20, 2014
posted by Lipstick Thespian at 1:49 PM on May 20, 2014
It's all fun and wheeeesss until that raft fucking flips over. Then what?
posted by stormpooper at 1:51 PM on May 20, 2014
posted by stormpooper at 1:51 PM on May 20, 2014
I ran out of Swabian stoicism about fifteen seconds into the video. Does anyone know how to get half digested Spätzle out of a computer keyboard?
posted by The Underpants Monster at 1:51 PM on May 20, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by The Underpants Monster at 1:51 PM on May 20, 2014 [1 favorite]
It's all fun and wheeeesss until that raft fucking flips over. Then what?
Ever job-shadow a ball bearing?
posted by Pudhoho at 1:54 PM on May 20, 2014 [5 favorites]
Ever job-shadow a ball bearing?
posted by Pudhoho at 1:54 PM on May 20, 2014 [5 favorites]
Because of the slide and this FPP, got derailed into a major and inconclusive argument over one aspect of the water slide this evening. If there's anyone with a better knowledge of physics and mechanics than us, it's a question on AskMe.
posted by Wordshore at 2:15 PM on May 20, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by Wordshore at 2:15 PM on May 20, 2014 [1 favorite]
I'm planning to go to the New Braunfels Schlitterbahn tomorrow (we used to get season passes every summer and plan to again now that the evil of grad school is finished). There are rides in New Braunfels I'm too fragile for. Add me to the chorus of NOPE.
posted by immlass at 2:36 PM on May 20, 2014
posted by immlass at 2:36 PM on May 20, 2014
riders climb 264 steps to the top
Missed opportunity to build it adjacent to the Escalator To Nowhere.
posted by ceribus peribus at 2:38 PM on May 20, 2014
Missed opportunity to build it adjacent to the Escalator To Nowhere.
posted by ceribus peribus at 2:38 PM on May 20, 2014
Does anyone know how to get half digested Spätzle out of a computer keyboard?
Take it for a ride on the Verrückt.
posted by yoink at 2:41 PM on May 20, 2014 [5 favorites]
Take it for a ride on the Verrückt.
posted by yoink at 2:41 PM on May 20, 2014 [5 favorites]
I would like to think I'd be brave enough to go on this, but I suspect I'd chicken out at the last minute. (Although I did do the Alpine Slide at Pico Mountain years ago, and that was exhilaratingly terrifying, with a much greater chance of hurting myself (me, to the slide operator: "Has anyone ever gone too fast and flown off the track on this thing?" Slide guy "Yep!" ::shoved my sled thingie off the edge and down the drop::)
(Also, Craig Fergusen racked up his arm on the same slide a while back! I think the slide is gone now, alas.)
posted by sarcasticah at 3:11 PM on May 20, 2014 [2 favorites]
(Also, Craig Fergusen racked up his arm on the same slide a while back! I think the slide is gone now, alas.)
posted by sarcasticah at 3:11 PM on May 20, 2014 [2 favorites]
The important question is, why is there apparently a German language themed water park in Kansas City?
posted by Joakim Ziegler at 3:19 PM on May 20, 2014
posted by Joakim Ziegler at 3:19 PM on May 20, 2014
I'm not seeing anything that shows the end of this ride. Is there a pool of water it dumps you into? does it just slow on its tracks through a trough, like on Splash Mountain? Do they just send your remains straight to the crematorium?
posted by Mchelly at 3:30 PM on May 20, 2014 [8 favorites]
posted by Mchelly at 3:30 PM on May 20, 2014 [8 favorites]
The important question is, why is there apparently a German language themed water park in Kansas City?
Weil Gründe.
posted by Etrigan at 3:30 PM on May 20, 2014 [2 favorites]
Weil Gründe.
posted by Etrigan at 3:30 PM on May 20, 2014 [2 favorites]
why is there apparently a German language themed water park in Kansas City?
Why not? German is the 5th most frequently spoken language at home in the US overall, probably #3 in the midwest (behind English and Spanish). It's also the most common ethnicity.
posted by desjardins at 3:36 PM on May 20, 2014 [1 favorite]
Why not? German is the 5th most frequently spoken language at home in the US overall, probably #3 in the midwest (behind English and Spanish). It's also the most common ethnicity.
posted by desjardins at 3:36 PM on May 20, 2014 [1 favorite]
I'm not seeing anything that shows the end of this ride.
Ah, you'd be looking for the Vernünftig. This is the Verrückt.
posted by yoink at 3:47 PM on May 20, 2014 [4 favorites]
Ah, you'd be looking for the Vernünftig. This is the Verrückt.
posted by yoink at 3:47 PM on May 20, 2014 [4 favorites]
Who wants to start a dead pool for this thing? I'm tempted to put money on opening day, unless they add railings or safety nets.
posted by feralscientist at 3:49 PM on May 20, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by feralscientist at 3:49 PM on May 20, 2014 [1 favorite]
A day at Schlitterbahn has always come with a hefty dose of NOPE.
When the first one opened (and can I say here how freaking weird it is to me that there is more than one Schlitterbahn now??), the rides were mostly tame little meanders through natural Comal River water. The rapids rides themselves were basically concrete troughs through which the diverted, untreated river water flowed. You rode in an inner tube (an actual black automotive inner tube that smelled like rubber; there was a station near the front of the park where some pimply high school kid was constantly re-inflating them). The rapids were really tame, but there was always another pimply high school employee standing at the head of the rapids in order to spin you around so that you went down them backwards. There was the occasional tumbling out of the tube and scrambling after the tube, but sometimes the tube got away from you and you had to go through the rest of the ride tubeless. Problem here was that, like I said, the troughs were made from cement and they weren't all that deep and they'd scrape you up. Plus, there were certain patches that were totally covered in algae, so after getting scraped you'd ride through this field of slime. (God forbid you touch the bottom of the ride with bare feet. Oh god, it was gross.) Then when you went over the next rapid tubeless, you'd get a mouthful of river water that tasted exactly like river water.
We went there every summer when I was a kid, and I HATED it. I guess I never spoke up, because my parents kept taking me.
They started updating in the 80s, and by the time I was in college they had a new annex that had real water park rides (fiberglass shells, chlorinated water!). But the old days, man. The old days.
posted by mudpuppie at 4:12 PM on May 20, 2014 [18 favorites]
When the first one opened (and can I say here how freaking weird it is to me that there is more than one Schlitterbahn now??), the rides were mostly tame little meanders through natural Comal River water. The rapids rides themselves were basically concrete troughs through which the diverted, untreated river water flowed. You rode in an inner tube (an actual black automotive inner tube that smelled like rubber; there was a station near the front of the park where some pimply high school kid was constantly re-inflating them). The rapids were really tame, but there was always another pimply high school employee standing at the head of the rapids in order to spin you around so that you went down them backwards. There was the occasional tumbling out of the tube and scrambling after the tube, but sometimes the tube got away from you and you had to go through the rest of the ride tubeless. Problem here was that, like I said, the troughs were made from cement and they weren't all that deep and they'd scrape you up. Plus, there were certain patches that were totally covered in algae, so after getting scraped you'd ride through this field of slime. (God forbid you touch the bottom of the ride with bare feet. Oh god, it was gross.) Then when you went over the next rapid tubeless, you'd get a mouthful of river water that tasted exactly like river water.
We went there every summer when I was a kid, and I HATED it. I guess I never spoke up, because my parents kept taking me.
They started updating in the 80s, and by the time I was in college they had a new annex that had real water park rides (fiberglass shells, chlorinated water!). But the old days, man. The old days.
posted by mudpuppie at 4:12 PM on May 20, 2014 [18 favorites]
I'd consider it... if I didn't agree with all of your concerns 150%. Hell, I was into insane rollercoasters until I was almost thrown out of a generic rollercoaster. (Ironically, it was the smaller and older wooden one, "Wild Beast" at Canada's Wonderland.) The ride attendants were screaming at me to "Stop standing!", meanwhile I was gripping the safety bar for life and I seriously thought I was about to die. I really was nearly thrown out. If that happened on a small, ancient rollercoaster, what kind of legendary death might await me on the bigger ones, like the ones with double loops that went backwards?
I think water slides are fun. I think injury and possible death are less fun.
Adrenaline is one thing. Placing yourself in possible danger of becoming airborne or losing/smushing/disfiguring a body part is another. That's not my kind of adrenaline fix.
And yeah, what happens when they hit the pool?
posted by quiet earth at 4:12 PM on May 20, 2014 [1 favorite]
I think water slides are fun. I think injury and possible death are less fun.
Adrenaline is one thing. Placing yourself in possible danger of becoming airborne or losing/smushing/disfiguring a body part is another. That's not my kind of adrenaline fix.
And yeah, what happens when they hit the pool?
posted by quiet earth at 4:12 PM on May 20, 2014 [1 favorite]
Photographic evidence of my comment above.
posted by mudpuppie at 4:18 PM on May 20, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by mudpuppie at 4:18 PM on May 20, 2014 [3 favorites]
mudpuppie, I'm cringing just looking at that picture. It looks... painful. Not full of fun, but painful. "Let's make the waterways out of concrete. What could go wrong?" Actual white water rafting sounds more tempting to me, and that involves whirlpools and possibly hitting big rocks at a high speed. Which says something to me about the designs of bad rides.
posted by quiet earth at 4:22 PM on May 20, 2014
posted by quiet earth at 4:22 PM on May 20, 2014
So we're just not gonna talk about the graphic that shows that the highest wave ever surfed was up to the Statute of Liberty's nose? Ok then I guess
posted by solotoro at 4:26 PM on May 20, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by solotoro at 4:26 PM on May 20, 2014 [2 favorites]
"Is that Der Stuka?"
"Yeah, Uncle Allan!"
"You little bastards…"
posted by ob1quixote at 4:37 PM on May 20, 2014 [1 favorite]
"Yeah, Uncle Allan!"
"You little bastards…"
posted by ob1quixote at 4:37 PM on May 20, 2014 [1 favorite]
(Ironically, it was the smaller and older wooden one, "Wild Beast" at Canada's Wonderland.)
That was the one that put me off wooden coasters for good - I haven't ridden one since my senior trip. Give me nice, smooth steel and I'm OK, but that little wooden bastard shook me so hard my head and neck didn't stop hurting 'til the next morning. I thought I was going to break at least a tooth before the ride was over.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 4:46 PM on May 20, 2014
That was the one that put me off wooden coasters for good - I haven't ridden one since my senior trip. Give me nice, smooth steel and I'm OK, but that little wooden bastard shook me so hard my head and neck didn't stop hurting 'til the next morning. I thought I was going to break at least a tooth before the ride was over.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 4:46 PM on May 20, 2014
The more important question is: what is going on with the pronunciation of Verrückt in that video? She's trying for the German, but ending up somewhere funky. Sounds like an [x] maybe. For comparison.
posted by vibratory manner of working at 4:59 PM on May 20, 2014
posted by vibratory manner of working at 4:59 PM on May 20, 2014
The part of the original Schlitterbahn that mudpuppie described has been cleaned up a lot (less algae, pimply high schoolers are now cute college kids from San Marcos) but is otherwise about the same. Those boring tube rides look a lot better at 40 than 14.
posted by immlass at 5:09 PM on May 20, 2014
posted by immlass at 5:09 PM on May 20, 2014
That's a whole lotta steps for the Walk Of Shame back down once you chicken out upon reaching the top.
posted by sourwookie at 5:20 PM on May 20, 2014 [4 favorites]
posted by sourwookie at 5:20 PM on May 20, 2014 [4 favorites]
"Let's make the waterways out of concrete. What could go wrong?"
If you take away the water you get the concrete slide in the park next to the rose garden in Berkeley.
posted by Room 641-A at 5:49 PM on May 20, 2014
If you take away the water you get the concrete slide in the park next to the rose garden in Berkeley.
posted by Room 641-A at 5:49 PM on May 20, 2014
The part of the original Schlitterbahn that mudpuppie described has been cleaned up a lot (less algae, pimply high schoolers are now cute college kids from San Marcos) but is otherwise about the same.
I'm glad to hear it. In order to fact-check my memory I googled Schilitterbahn + algae and ended up reading a whole bunch of Trip Advisor comments that complain about present-day algae. Plus, according to at least one reviewer, now not only do the "lifeguards" spin you around backwards before you go over the rapids in your tube, they also hatefully splash water in your face!!
posted by mudpuppie at 6:17 PM on May 20, 2014 [2 favorites]
I'm glad to hear it. In order to fact-check my memory I googled Schilitterbahn + algae and ended up reading a whole bunch of Trip Advisor comments that complain about present-day algae. Plus, according to at least one reviewer, now not only do the "lifeguards" spin you around backwards before you go over the rapids in your tube, they also hatefully splash water in your face!!
posted by mudpuppie at 6:17 PM on May 20, 2014 [2 favorites]
I'm glad to hear it. In order to fact-check my memory I googled Schilitterbahn + algae and ended up reading a whole bunch of Trip Advisor comments that complain about present-day algae.
They'll never completely get rid of it as long as they're using river water instead of chlorinated stuff, but most of the algae I've seen has been in the actual river at the end of the 45-minute tube chute. I suspect it looks like a lot if you're used to the pool, but I find the river water to be part of the charm, especially since it doesn't ruin my hair texture.
Also they don't splash my face, but I may look too old and mean for that.
posted by immlass at 6:21 PM on May 20, 2014 [1 favorite]
They'll never completely get rid of it as long as they're using river water instead of chlorinated stuff, but most of the algae I've seen has been in the actual river at the end of the 45-minute tube chute. I suspect it looks like a lot if you're used to the pool, but I find the river water to be part of the charm, especially since it doesn't ruin my hair texture.
Also they don't splash my face, but I may look too old and mean for that.
posted by immlass at 6:21 PM on May 20, 2014 [1 favorite]
I had no idea there was a Schlitterbahn outside of Texas.
posted by Houstonian at 6:54 PM on May 20, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by Houstonian at 6:54 PM on May 20, 2014 [1 favorite]
why is there apparently a German language themed water park in Kansas City?
It's because they (the company) are from a German area of Texas. The weirder thing is that they went from Texas to Kansas....
posted by Houstonian at 6:56 PM on May 20, 2014 [1 favorite]
It's because they (the company) are from a German area of Texas. The weirder thing is that they went from Texas to Kansas....
posted by Houstonian at 6:56 PM on May 20, 2014 [1 favorite]
feralscientist: Who wants to start a dead pool for this thing?
Fact: The Dead Pool is the nickname for this slide's splashdown area.
posted by dr_dank at 7:00 PM on May 20, 2014 [5 favorites]
Fact: The Dead Pool is the nickname for this slide's splashdown area.
posted by dr_dank at 7:00 PM on May 20, 2014 [5 favorites]
lattiboy, your story reminds me of John Pinette's piece about his visit to a water park.
posted by Houstonian at 7:26 PM on May 20, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by Houstonian at 7:26 PM on May 20, 2014 [1 favorite]
why is there apparently a German language themed water park in Kansas City?
Lebensraum? Europa-Park hegemony?
posted by Purposeful Grimace at 9:05 PM on May 20, 2014
Lebensraum? Europa-Park hegemony?
posted by Purposeful Grimace at 9:05 PM on May 20, 2014
As a child I survived the wave pool of doom at Action (Traction) Park. There's a part of me that wants to roll the dice again. I'm not going to be on the first raft, but give it a month or two and yeah, I'd ride it.
posted by 26.2 at 9:38 PM on May 20, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by 26.2 at 9:38 PM on May 20, 2014 [2 favorites]
Why are you all so unfun? You're going to die of something and what's better: one of the inevitable diseases of geriatricity or legendary water slide death?
posted by dame at 9:46 PM on May 20, 2014 [7 favorites]
posted by dame at 9:46 PM on May 20, 2014 [7 favorites]
What, facial gunshot wound isn't an option?
posted by gingerest at 2:44 AM on May 21, 2014 [4 favorites]
posted by gingerest at 2:44 AM on May 21, 2014 [4 favorites]
Ok... In my previous life I worked for a company that was deeply, deeply engaged in waterpark development. Commercial recreation attractions weren't my specialty, but I worked on a few projects, attended World Waterpark Association (WWA) meetings (which used to held in conjunction with the enormous International Association of Amusement Parks and Attractions (IAAPA) conventions, but are now massive in their own right as there are roughly 2000 parks worldwide). And I've probably been to about 25 or 30 major waterparks and still enjoy thrill rides of all kinds, even though I'm in my mid-50s.
Jeff Henry, the Schlitterbahn CEO (son of the founders), is a visionary guy with numerous game-changing inventions to his credit. Among them is the Master Blaster system which uses jets to propel rafts uphill. I suspect they will use Master Blaster to help get the rafts up the second hill and/or add speed. The design itself is a combination of two typologies: coaster slides (with rafts and designed to deliver g-force thrills) and "speed slides" which use a big drop to get the adrenaline pumping. Both rely on curved walls and water depth to manage speed and keep riders where they belong. I'm very curious whether the rafts will include a restraint system and, if so, how it will work. Rafts usually don't feature restraints because the designers don't want to trap riders under water if they flip.
As an industry, waterparks have matured immensely over the past 20 years. Safety is paramount... not just making sure noone achieves lift-off but also cleaning the water, dealing with chemicals (e.g., chlorine), electrical safety, conducting employee background checks, ensuring that adequate life guards are on duty, requiring sanitary food preparation facilities, protecting the guests from theft, assault, etc. I guarantee you that they've tested the hell out of that ride, and not just with heavy burlap sacks; they use sophisticated crash-test style dummies to be sure that people don't suffer neck injuries, etc. They will have modeled all kinds of stupid behavior, in part because the industry (like, say, the aircraft community) shares accident/incident data.
Why is this project in Kansas City? It's actually in Kansas, near the speedway on the outskirts of the City, probably because of the state's STAR Bond program which enables communities to use a development's sales tax revenues to repay its bonds when the project includes an attraction that bring in out-of-state visitors. Coincidentally, the WWA is headquartered in Overland Park, a Johnson County, KS suburb of Kansas City.
Bottom line: I can't wait.
posted by carmicha at 5:54 AM on May 21, 2014 [18 favorites]
Jeff Henry, the Schlitterbahn CEO (son of the founders), is a visionary guy with numerous game-changing inventions to his credit. Among them is the Master Blaster system which uses jets to propel rafts uphill. I suspect they will use Master Blaster to help get the rafts up the second hill and/or add speed. The design itself is a combination of two typologies: coaster slides (with rafts and designed to deliver g-force thrills) and "speed slides" which use a big drop to get the adrenaline pumping. Both rely on curved walls and water depth to manage speed and keep riders where they belong. I'm very curious whether the rafts will include a restraint system and, if so, how it will work. Rafts usually don't feature restraints because the designers don't want to trap riders under water if they flip.
As an industry, waterparks have matured immensely over the past 20 years. Safety is paramount... not just making sure noone achieves lift-off but also cleaning the water, dealing with chemicals (e.g., chlorine), electrical safety, conducting employee background checks, ensuring that adequate life guards are on duty, requiring sanitary food preparation facilities, protecting the guests from theft, assault, etc. I guarantee you that they've tested the hell out of that ride, and not just with heavy burlap sacks; they use sophisticated crash-test style dummies to be sure that people don't suffer neck injuries, etc. They will have modeled all kinds of stupid behavior, in part because the industry (like, say, the aircraft community) shares accident/incident data.
Why is this project in Kansas City? It's actually in Kansas, near the speedway on the outskirts of the City, probably because of the state's STAR Bond program which enables communities to use a development's sales tax revenues to repay its bonds when the project includes an attraction that bring in out-of-state visitors. Coincidentally, the WWA is headquartered in Overland Park, a Johnson County, KS suburb of Kansas City.
Bottom line: I can't wait.
posted by carmicha at 5:54 AM on May 21, 2014 [18 favorites]
Jay Peak has an indoor waterpark with a sort-of looping slide in it. Video.
posted by mkb at 6:03 AM on May 21, 2014
posted by mkb at 6:03 AM on May 21, 2014
Photographic evidence of my comment above.
I'm colorblind, mudpuppie, but even I can tell that's way more green than a waterpark ought to be.
posted by tommasz at 8:06 AM on May 21, 2014
I'm colorblind, mudpuppie, but even I can tell that's way more green than a waterpark ought to be.
posted by tommasz at 8:06 AM on May 21, 2014
I'm being purely pragmatic here. You need to go with four people you really like. Because looking at the video, you're riding butt to crotch. In swimsuits. Swimsuits that are already wet and suspect. I'm not naive. It's inevitable that there will be some pee in the water. It gets into the bigger body of chlorinated water and dilution is the solution to pollution. However, I don't want some stranger peeing in the raft with me.
I'm am taking applicants for my raft, but will require proof of bladder-worthness.
posted by 26.2 at 10:59 AM on May 21, 2014 [1 favorite]
I'm am taking applicants for my raft, but will require proof of bladder-worthness.
posted by 26.2 at 10:59 AM on May 21, 2014 [1 favorite]
I'm thinking of my favorite person in the world and I still have zero desire to sit in their pee. Let alone the next three people in line for that title.
posted by desjardins at 12:10 PM on May 21, 2014 [4 favorites]
posted by desjardins at 12:10 PM on May 21, 2014 [4 favorites]
Just got back from the Schlitterbahn in New Braunfels. We did the section with the Master Blaster, which I was worried I was a bit creaky for. Turns out I'm not--but I'm still not ready for the Verruckt.
posted by immlass at 3:37 PM on May 21, 2014
posted by immlass at 3:37 PM on May 21, 2014
Why are you all so unfun? You're going to die of something and what's better: one of the inevitable diseases of geriatricity or legendary water slide death?
If I was guaranteed a quick Verrückt-Tod instead of just a miserable experience, or maybe some palliative care for my painful trip down the dreadful apparatus, I might opt for the "fun."
posted by The Underpants Monster at 5:39 PM on May 21, 2014
If I was guaranteed a quick Verrückt-Tod instead of just a miserable experience, or maybe some palliative care for my painful trip down the dreadful apparatus, I might opt for the "fun."
posted by The Underpants Monster at 5:39 PM on May 21, 2014
1) NOPENOPENOPENOPENOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPE.
2) Hell, I was into insane rollercoasters until I was almost thrown out of a generic rollercoaster. (Ironically, it was the smaller and older wooden one, "Wild Beast" at Canada's Wonderland.)
That must have been many years ago. Quite a while back they replaced the lapbars on every single coaster at CW to keep you seriously locked in your seat.
Also I suggest you don't ride Behemoth or Leviathan because you're basically sitting on a bicycle seat with shoulder restraints and HOLY GOD IT IS A LONG WAY DOWN FROM THIS LIFT HILL WE'RE ONLY HALFWAY UP.
(Guess what I'm riding first when I go to CW this summer)
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 10:01 PM on May 21, 2014
2) Hell, I was into insane rollercoasters until I was almost thrown out of a generic rollercoaster. (Ironically, it was the smaller and older wooden one, "Wild Beast" at Canada's Wonderland.)
That must have been many years ago. Quite a while back they replaced the lapbars on every single coaster at CW to keep you seriously locked in your seat.
Also I suggest you don't ride Behemoth or Leviathan because you're basically sitting on a bicycle seat with shoulder restraints and HOLY GOD IT IS A LONG WAY DOWN FROM THIS LIFT HILL WE'RE ONLY HALFWAY UP.
(Guess what I'm riding first when I go to CW this summer)
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 10:01 PM on May 21, 2014
There may be some design issues, delaying the opening slightly.
posted by Etrigan at 5:36 PM on May 23, 2014
posted by Etrigan at 5:36 PM on May 23, 2014
Don't they do computer simulations in ride design these days? It seemed like an obvious issue but I was assuming that the designers weren't dumb and knew better than me. I guess not!
posted by tavella at 4:27 PM on May 27, 2014
posted by tavella at 4:27 PM on May 27, 2014
Is there video of this? I'd like to see the vertical on those dummies.
They're going for a 5 June opening? Yeah, good luck with that!
posted by droplet at 9:14 PM on May 27, 2014
They're going for a 5 June opening? Yeah, good luck with that!
posted by droplet at 9:14 PM on May 27, 2014
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posted by Etrigan at 10:27 AM on May 20, 2014 [9 favorites]