The sword may need to be drawn.

December 31, 2014 2:08 PM

10 Best Places To Raise A Family (SLOnion)
posted by standardasparagus (40 comments total)

11. The Moon. It's OK apart from the Nazis parking their spaceships on the lawn.
posted by arcticseal at 2:15 PM on December 31, 2014 [3 favorites]

Hey, Raleigh, NC is someplace cool...
posted by Rock Steady at 2:20 PM on December 31, 2014 [1 favorite]

12. Metafilter. Interesting content, engaged community of users and responsible moderation. But parking is non-existent.
posted by mullacc at 2:20 PM on December 31, 2014 [4 favorites]

You really shouldn't be driving anyway.
posted by maryr at 2:21 PM on December 31, 2014 [6 favorites]

#10 not valid if you live in one of the places excluded by #3.

"It’s Wilkes-Barre or Binghamton for you." Mirthless laughter, endlessly.
posted by psoas at 2:23 PM on December 31, 2014 [4 favorites]

My husband and I are getting ready to close on a rather nice rotting log. The surrounding yard is kind of a mess, but it's in a very good school district.
posted by trunk muffins at 2:24 PM on December 31, 2014 [18 favorites]

We used to dream of living in a rotting log.
posted by Auden at 2:33 PM on December 31, 2014 [23 favorites]

We lived in a greasy paper bag by the side of the road. We would get up before we went to sleep and lick the road clean.
posted by Splunge at 2:39 PM on December 31, 2014 [4 favorites]

13. Glinishmore. It is a wondrous place.
posted by prize bull octorok at 2:40 PM on December 31, 2014 [1 favorite]

We lived in a greasy paper bag by the side of the road. We would get up before we went to sleep and lick the road clean.

LUXURY!
posted by briank at 2:46 PM on December 31, 2014 [11 favorites]

We used to go to the Colonie Mall when I was in college. It was, like, the second best mall in the greater Capital area. So it's got that going for it.
posted by backseatpilot at 2:46 PM on December 31, 2014 [1 favorite]

This list is incomplete without Centerville.
posted by George_Spiggott at 2:48 PM on December 31, 2014 [2 favorites]

It's Wilkes-Barre or Binghamton, stomping on a human face - forever.
posted by Mchelly at 3:11 PM on December 31, 2014 [3 favorites]

Hey, Raleigh, NC is someplace cool...

Just assume they really meant Cary.
posted by D.C. at 3:12 PM on December 31, 2014 [1 favorite]

Just assume they really meant Cary.

AKA: Containment Area for Relocated Yankees.
posted by straight at 3:18 PM on December 31, 2014 [2 favorites]

I'm going to raise my kids in a listicle; it's cheap, there's plenty of room, and, if things get too noisy, I can just shift a couple of pages away. The place is littered with stock photos and ads, of course, but we can make it a home, in sure.
posted by GenjiandProust at 3:28 PM on December 31, 2014 [13 favorites]

Listicles truly are the suburbs of the internet.
posted by oulipian at 3:39 PM on December 31, 2014 [11 favorites]

Can I raise the dreaded Laramie in any of these places?
posted by Librarypt at 3:41 PM on December 31, 2014 [7 favorites]

Riverdale: combes great schools and old-fashioned small-town closeness, with the excitement of a teenage band scene, witches, zombies, The Punisher and a thriving gay person. If you're a cartoon parent, this may be the perfect place to raise your four-color offspring.
posted by happyroach at 3:47 PM on December 31, 2014 [10 favorites]

Man, Binghamton vs wilkes barre, that is some serious competition for sad king.
posted by Ferreous at 3:58 PM on December 31, 2014

Listicles: void of content, lots of room to grow.
posted by blue_beetle at 3:59 PM on December 31, 2014 [1 favorite]

These lists are always front-loaded with fashionable choices but can the average family really afford to live in them? Have you priced rotting logs lately? Maybe 10 years ago..

For those looking for more affordable alternatives, the high population turnover and dank aura of menace keeps communities like Innsmouth and Dunwich suprisingly affordable, plus they're reasonably close to a great university and the former has a historic waterfront.
posted by Nerd of the North at 4:00 PM on December 31, 2014 [10 favorites]

We lived in a greasy paper bag by the side of the road. We would get up before we went to sleep and lick the road clean.

LUXURY!
posted by briank at 6:46 AM on January 1

We grew up in a crate full of broken glass! Each night pa would beat us to death to sleep before we got up to go to work at the poison-eating mill
posted by DoctorFedora at 4:19 PM on December 31, 2014 [16 favorites]

We grew up in a crate full of broken glass! Each night pa would beat us to death to sleep before we got up to go to work at the poison-eating mill
posted by DoctorFedora at 6:19 PM on December 31 [+] [!]


I live in South Bend Indiana
posted by Ferreous at 4:28 PM on December 31, 2014 [29 favorites]

It appears DoctorFedora is writing from the future

this gets me every year
posted by readery at 4:31 PM on December 31, 2014

Mention of Wilke-Barrie gave me hideous flashbacks to being raised in Pleasant Gap, PA, just down the road from Centre Hall. I used to live directly across the (narrow) street from the old fire department. Every frickin' Saturday noon they'd test the fire alarm...
posted by BlueHorse at 4:37 PM on December 31, 2014 [1 favorite]

I'm glad to see that Raleigh and Anywhere If You Have Money both made the list. They're both great places to live. The latter is also quite welcoming to childfree couples, singles, and retired folks, I hear.
posted by Metroid Baby at 4:38 PM on December 31, 2014

[Anywhere If You Have Money] is also quite welcoming to childfree couples, singles, and retired folks, I hear.

And yet with proper diligence they still manage to keep the riff-raff out.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 4:52 PM on December 31, 2014 [2 favorites]

I like the Anywhere If You Have Money option. All I need is the money and I am set!
posted by Dip Flash at 5:04 PM on December 31, 2014

My husband and I moved to Anywhere If You Have Money after we had our first kid and we couldn't be happier with it. Great schools, no major issues. The tricky thing about it is that "Anywhere If You Have Money" actually changes definitions depending on how much money you have. In the previous "Anywhere", the money we had didn't count as "Money".
posted by town of cats at 5:17 PM on December 31, 2014 [1 favorite]

Wilkes-Barre is where I send my student loan payments every month.


Fuck Wilkes-Barre.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 5:49 PM on December 31, 2014

I like how they think Both Parents Make 100,000+ is near You Have Money. Depending on traffic the commute can be really tough.
posted by bleep at 6:52 PM on December 31, 2014 [2 favorites]

> I like how they think Both Parents Make 100,000+ is near You Have Money.

Consider how much the writer probably earns. Once you get beyond more-money-than-I-can-ever-imagine it all becomes a muddle.
posted by I-Write-Essays at 7:58 PM on December 31, 2014 [6 favorites]

69 VW Bus?

Sweet ride. Sign me up.
posted by stubbehtail at 10:17 PM on December 31, 2014

We grew up in a crate full of broken glass! Each night pa would beat us to death to sleep before we got up to go to work at the poison-eating mill

At least you had a father.
posted by kinetic at 5:36 AM on January 1, 2015 [3 favorites]

There were seventy three of us living in a cardboard box
All I got for Christmas was a lousy bag of rocks
Every night for dinner, we had a big 'ol chunk of dirt
If we were really good, we didn't get dessert
posted by Reasonably Everything Happens at 8:48 AM on January 1, 2015

I like how they think Both Parents Make 100,000+ is near You Have Money.

It really should be "Anywhere Except Major Metro Markets where a decent 2 bedroom is north of $2500/mo", but as it turns out, there's a lot of America that fits that description.
posted by weston at 10:54 AM on January 1, 2015

If only we could eradicate America's rampant materialism and sense of entitlement, and inculcate a desire for higher values and virtue, then any place would be heaven on earth.

Except Chicago. It would still suck.
posted by Chitownfats at 2:13 AM on January 2, 2015 [1 favorite]

Right. I had to get up in the morning at ten o'clock at night half an hour before I went to bed, drink a cup of sulphuric acid, work twenty-nine hours a day down mill, and pay mill owner for permission to come to work, and when we got home, our Dad and our mother would kill us and dance about on our graves singing Hallelujah.
posted by sandswipe at 4:58 PM on January 2, 2015

I was considering living in Santa Carla. But I couldn't stomach all the damn vampires.
posted by happyroach at 10:50 PM on January 2, 2015