How to correctly exist in polite society.

February 12, 2023 10:21 AM

A list of 140 rules that are completely correct in everyway and definitely won't cause extended arguments about how to etiquette.
posted by Just this guy, y'know (148 comments total)

'Don't be judgmental about people's looks' followed directly by 'Don't touch me if you're ugly' is....a vibe.

This feels like a click-bait listicle pumped up by a chatbot set to 'edgy'.
posted by Inkslinger at 10:27 AM on February 12, 2023 [41 favorites]

I called out #140 as bullshit the other day. If a celebrity you liked (or whose work you liked) died, it's perfectly fine to pay your respects online. Yes, you were in a parasocial relationship with them. Who the fuck cares. They were still important to you.
posted by jscalzi at 10:31 AM on February 12, 2023 [37 favorites]

I read it a few days ago. Where it loses me is the degree to which it's proscriptive -- telling me how to behave. I'm so over this particular cultural tendency, and suspect I have been since halfway through Grade Eight. It works better if you try to cajole me into more virtuous actions and whatnot.

But that said -- there's a lot of good stuff here toward NOT getting it wrong in the complex world of today.
posted by philip-random at 10:33 AM on February 12, 2023 [8 favorites]

The accompanying picture is me every day.
posted by Splunge at 10:35 AM on February 12, 2023

Sandi Toksvig on rule zero of manners.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 10:36 AM on February 12, 2023 [13 favorites]

Never wake up your significant other on purpose, ever.

It's only a house fire. They'll figure it out eventually.
posted by Splunge at 10:37 AM on February 12, 2023 [16 favorites]

When another human is present, don’t talk to your animal in the private voice you use when alone together.

Sorry, they are family. You are a visitor. My snuggy uggums is so cutesy wootsy.
posted by Splunge at 10:39 AM on February 12, 2023 [45 favorites]

In Slate, Lizzie O’Leary has a problem with #38, winking.
posted by Rash at 10:41 AM on February 12, 2023 [3 favorites]

If you wake me up because you're screaming due to panic about an actual house fire, I like to think I'd have the presence of mind to count that as an "accidental" awakening and thus perfectly acceptable under the circumstances.
posted by some loser at 10:42 AM on February 12, 2023 [1 favorite]

There was an excellent substack response to this, which I can no longer find, basically categorizing it into "common sense", "situational/tells you who wrote it", "tells you way too much about who wrote it", and "Freddie deBoer". I think it was linked in someone else's email newsletter? It's out there somewhere.
posted by sagc at 10:45 AM on February 12, 2023 [5 favorites]

Don't ask too many questions about dating apps because it might make your friends who use them feel bad that you don't use them... sounds like they want us to get into weird codependent management of our friend's emotions lol
posted by wellifyouinsist at 10:46 AM on February 12, 2023 [5 favorites]

Yep, sure, go ahead and eat whatever you want at your desk. Don't give a second thought to anaphylactic peanut allergies. It'll be fine!
posted by cooker girl at 10:50 AM on February 12, 2023 [6 favorites]

12. On a date, all individuals present should gently and politely compete to pay the entire bill.

Still, the historical mandate is hard-coded into most people and should be considered: If you’re penetrating, you pay.

I tried to come up with some clever commentary on this but became overwhelmed by the logistical implications.
posted by brook horse at 10:51 AM on February 12, 2023 [8 favorites]

If you like them, text people within three hours of hanging out with them.

If you didn’t receive a text from me within three hours after our hanging out, it would signal that I did not have a good time and I am simply not interested. I understand that not all of my cohort follows this rule, but they should.

please no, I love getting these texts from friends who send them but will never have spare executive function to send them myself; me clearly being engaged & saying "this was fun, it was great to spend time with you & I'm super happy we did this!" when we're still hanging out should fucking MEAN THAT whether I send a follow-up text (within a three-hour window???) or not

re: waking your partner up, I HATE being woken up for almost any reason but my roommate did wake me up once to tell me there was a large very tall fire in the living room & we both went & stared at it groggily trying to remember what you do for a fire before he came up with "pour water on it" & fixed it

(this was about three days into his new hobby of candlelight reading before bed)

even if he'd dealt with it himself there's still the matter of the smoke, which we dealt with by driving around until we remembered we could not afford a hotel in Santa Barbara then going back & continuing to inhale it, so I'm gonna say "always wake people up if there's a fire, never light a candle right before bed"
posted by taquito sunrise at 11:00 AM on February 12, 2023 [10 favorites]

"Always wink." Really? This advice is so bad it makes me question the advice that I agreed with.
posted by adamrice at 11:04 AM on February 12, 2023 [18 favorites]

Some excellent advice in there for the next time I put out bowls of cigarettes at a party.
posted by Copronymus at 11:06 AM on February 12, 2023 [42 favorites]

the year that crazy guy lit the Burning Man on fire monday night, I was up late with campmates and some of them zoomed off to witness/help whatever (some of them had helped build the man that year) other campmates had already gone to bed but I knew they would regret missing this insane moment. I had to wake them up. I mean, we always used to joke about lighting the man early hahahaha. and it happened. so I went to their tents, one by one, to wake them. of course they did not believe me at first and it was so difficult to get them up. that said, they were very appreciative once they grokked the situation.

it was a fire, after all...
posted by supermedusa at 11:07 AM on February 12, 2023 [3 favorites]

Want to stand in the aisle near my airspace waiting to deplane? Expect a sharp pain in your shin. But you do you.
posted by MorgansAmoebas at 11:08 AM on February 12, 2023 [2 favorites]

Actually, now that I think about it, a lot of these rules…how do I put this? It's not that they're for people who are Not Our Kind, they're for people to whom I am Not Their Kind.
posted by adamrice at 11:11 AM on February 12, 2023 [26 favorites]

#55. No, I will fucking not split the bill evenly at dinner. I don't drink alcohol and I'm sure as shit not paying half of the absurdly overpriced bottle of vinegar you ordered.

The people who order three or four drinks will cool their jets to accommodate the sober people...

LOL no they fucking won't.

#120. "Please, no gifts" means exactly that. Save your time, money and hassle and come have cake.
posted by outgrown_hobnail at 11:15 AM on February 12, 2023 [32 favorites]

The people who order three or four drinks will cool their jets to accommodate the sober people...

LOL no they fucking won't.

I could perhaps be for this if AA would add payment of reparations as its 13th Step.
posted by philip-random at 11:22 AM on February 12, 2023 [8 favorites]

Still, the historical mandate is hard-coded into most people and should be considered: If you’re penetrating, you pay.

I tried to come up with some clever commentary on this but became overwhelmed by the logistical implications.

when the bill arrives, one party should say "welp, guess it's time to decide who's inevitably penetrating whom tonight," then both parties discuss
posted by taquito sunrise at 11:22 AM on February 12, 2023 [46 favorites]

71. If you put out bowls of cigarettes at a party, you have to let people smoke inside.

They’re not décor.

This...is a thing enough to make the list?
posted by tiny frying pan at 11:22 AM on February 12, 2023 [37 favorites]

#95. Always cameras on for work calls.

No ******* way. thank god no-one in my org takes this seriously. Read the ******* room. Sometimes yes, sometimes not at all, sometimes optional. This isn't a simple yes/no thing.

People who pretend it is are ******* dinosaurs.

[sanitized for transmission on corporate teams]
posted by bonehead at 11:24 AM on February 12, 2023 [36 favorites]

I nodded along with a lot of these, but after a few dozen I started to worry that the person writing them lives in hell.
posted by charismatic megafauna at 11:24 AM on February 12, 2023 [42 favorites]

This...is a thing enough to make the list?

Gave me pause, as well. Don't recall ever seeing bowls of cigarettes set out at a party. In the mid-1970s, bowls of dope, yes; but the tobacco users were being edged out of the picture even then.
posted by Rash at 11:30 AM on February 12, 2023 [2 favorites]

such a weird list. like, half are great (to me) and half are completely wrong.
posted by supermedusa at 11:31 AM on February 12, 2023 [8 favorites]

71. If you put out bowls of cigarettes at a party, you have to let people smoke inside.

They’re not décor.

I... wait... what? Glad to see I am not the only one caught off-guard by this one.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 11:36 AM on February 12, 2023 [4 favorites]

The people who made this list lead extremely strange lives.
posted by thatwhichfalls at 11:46 AM on February 12, 2023 [19 favorites]

The onion hangs from the belt on the left hand side until Labour Day weekend.
posted by whatevernot at 11:49 AM on February 12, 2023 [50 favorites]

Okay I'm legitimately trying to understand what they're getting at with this one:

10. Straight people can use the word partner only when they’re trying to get something out of it. . . . (This rule doesn’t apply to people who are actively resisting the patriarchy by refusing to get married. You have no other word, we realize.)

Who are they talking about then? I did get confused recently by a married person referring to her spouse as her partner--maybe that's more widespread than I realize? Because if we're not talking about married people, and it's okay for people who are refusing to get married, what are we talking about--people who want get married but are with someone who doesn't want to get married? What am I missing here.
posted by HotToddy at 11:50 AM on February 12, 2023 [6 favorites]

There were an awful lot of items about dealing with famous people, which definitely says something about the writers and their audience.
posted by Well I never at 11:51 AM on February 12, 2023 [36 favorites]

My wife and I were partnered for twelve years before we got married, and neither of us regards the marriage as a significant change in the status of our relationship from before the wedding. Sometimes I refer to her as my wife, sometimes as my spouse, and yes, sometimes as my partner. They are all accurate descriptions. I don't get the urge to police the terms others use to describe their intimate relationships.
posted by biogeo at 11:59 AM on February 12, 2023 [20 favorites]

Yeah, as a cocktail drinker who frequently orders salad, #55 is a bit weird all across the board: when I go out to eat at a restaurant, I want to order what I want. I don't want to buy up or buy down to match my dining companions nor do I want them to adjust to me. Eating fries I don't want to my order won't make it more enjoyable.

I also tend to dine out with people who will make sure they can do the math to pay me back or I do the same for them. OR it's an on going thing with friends where they grab the check one time and then we do the next one. So I guess I'm lucky I don't have to game out how not to get screwed.

I'm also wondering how dated their dining experience is or how idiosyncratic mine is. Most places I've been in the last few years (going back to before the pandemic and everyone had those handheld POS things) ask if/how to split things up.
posted by ghost phoneme at 12:03 PM on February 12, 2023 [2 favorites]

My snuggy uggums is so cutesy wootsy.


".... Tonstant Weader fwowed up."
posted by lalochezia at 12:06 PM on February 12, 2023 [14 favorites]

Also...I like a quiet commute too sometimes. But to react with horror that someone wants to share their commute with their partner to talk...😔
posted by tiny frying pan at 12:16 PM on February 12, 2023 [2 favorites]

Some of these remind me of the views of a former colleague:

102. You can eat anything at your desk in an open-plan office.
Others can simply leave if they don’t like it.

My longtime coworker -- now retired -- is and was a true-blue Democrat in a very red state and had a lot of views that seemed to be ill-fitting compromises between "be considerate and help those who need help" and "every man for himself."

While she held pretty ortho liberal-left views on the death penalty/abortion/socialized medicine, there was a deep libertarian streak in her views as regarded personal responsibility. Someone gets their car stolen? "They obviously should have kept an eye on it/should have parked in a safer spot." Legislating against predatory payday loans businesses? "People shouldn't take out loans if they cannot repay them." Affordable, accessible child care? "I didn't ask for anyone's help to bring up my kids. Why should I pay to bring up yours?"
posted by ricochet biscuit at 12:17 PM on February 12, 2023

There was an excellent substack response to this, which I can no longer find,

Are you possibly thinking of Today In Tabs?
posted by dnash at 12:17 PM on February 12, 2023 [8 favorites]

I sure was!
posted by sagc at 12:23 PM on February 12, 2023

Never wake up your significant other on purpose, ever.

It's only a house fire. They'll figure it out eventually.

Reminds me of a conversation with a dorm roommate in which she was annoyed nobody woke her up about the fire alarm ("you were going to let me burn?") I pointed out that if the alarm didn't wake her up, I don't think any old human was going to manage to out-loud it.
posted by jenfullmoon at 12:34 PM on February 12, 2023 [2 favorites]

So the answer to her question was, "Yes, we were all going to let your burn."
posted by NoThisIsPatrick at 12:37 PM on February 12, 2023 [5 favorites]

Are you possibly thinking of Today In Tabs?

which got me to this:

Objectively Deranged Advice

36. Never ask anyone what their job is.

Never?? Most people spend at least one third of their time working. I would understand “don’t ONLY ask people about their job,” but like, NEVER asking anyone EVER is bonkers.

I almost never ask anyone what their job is. Something I picked up while living in a community where more than a few folks were making their living outside the law (growing marijuana -- no longer a big deal in my region). So at first it was a pragmatic thing (rather like not asking people how they are when you run into them at the doctor's office) but at some point I realized, I generally don't care what somebody "does" (ie: gets paid for). If it's that important to them, they'll bring it up. But in general, that isn't WHO they are (way too often, it's who they wish they weren't).

So what's a better way to go? This is always situation dependent, though I have one friend (a former journalist) who claims "What kind of car do you drive?" always gets him somewhere. The person either loves their car and wants to talk about it or ... any number of other possibilities which can generally be followed up on ...
posted by philip-random at 12:39 PM on February 12, 2023 [5 favorites]

Unfortunately yes, since her bedroom door was locked and I can't outscream a fire alarm.

I never ask anyone about jobs or ethnicity unless it's relevant to the conversation. God knows I don't want anyone to ask about my job and I am as discouraging as possible to you if you try to find out more about it and exactly what I do. I'm a shitty clerical worker who types and gets yelled at for money, what more do you want to know about this? There is nothing of interest about it. And ethnicity is such a minefield that oh heck, no.

"Don't foist your allergies upon a dinner party" is clearly written by someone who hasn't dealt with actual food allergies. Ditto the open plan office.
posted by jenfullmoon at 12:43 PM on February 12, 2023 [10 favorites]

A coworker did a version of the behavior proscribed in #44 (in this case, referring to a notable public person by first name only in order to imply to me that they and the notable person were close--think "I read Choire's thing in New York Magazine") earlier this week. It was a bit annoying, and I know this person well enough to think that the intimacy that the usage implied is probably a modest stretch, but as I look back at the interaction I realize it was a response, perhaps partly unconscious, to something I said earlier in the conversation that signaled that I had garnered some modest kudos in another corner of our shared status-conscious profession, and which, honestly, I mentioned in part for that reason. So I definitely deserved it.
posted by sy at 12:48 PM on February 12, 2023 [1 favorite]

I'll link a second time for the Today in Tabs response to this article, which is very good and funny all around, but also because its Freddie DeBoer burn is very funny and I am always here for one of those:

41. Never show that you’re impressed by anyone.

This is the single worst piece of advice in the entire post. I was baffled until I reached the attribution, and then it all made sense because this one is by Freddie Deboer and it displays his remarkable knack for being not merely wrong but the exact opposite of right. Freddie’s work is actually sort of useful in that you can always find the truth by just taking the inverse of what he says, like a compass that reliably points South. In this case, the correct advice is to always be impressed by everyone, because everyone you’ll ever meet has accomplished something amazing. For example, Freddie makes a living writing! Incredible.

posted by Tom Hanks Cannot Be Trusted at 12:56 PM on February 12, 2023 [36 favorites]

45. White people should always clearly pronounce 50 Cent.
He’s not “Fiddy” for you..

It's 'Fitty', not 'fiddy'.
posted by clavdivs at 1:19 PM on February 12, 2023 [3 favorites]

If I ever meet him I will call him Mr Cent. Surely that is the way to comply with propriety.
posted by supermedusa at 1:34 PM on February 12, 2023 [21 favorites]

45. White people should always clearly pronounce 50 Cent.
He’s not “Fiddy” for you..

It's 'Fitty', not 'fiddy'.

Q.E.D
(generally, not referring to clavdivs in particular)
posted by Sparx at 1:34 PM on February 12, 2023

Ok so I looked up Freddie de Boer, and yeah that burn is on point. The dude must be insufferable at parties, literally constantly negging everyone. Yeesh.
posted by Doleful Creature at 1:49 PM on February 12, 2023

I like quite a bit of this, but there's a lot more advice on how to handle situations with famous people than I think I really could expect to ever use. "Pete Davidson? Oh yes, of course!" Yeah. Probably not going to need that. But thanks anyway.
posted by WhenInGnome at 1:53 PM on February 12, 2023 [4 favorites]

Never ask your guests to smoke outside — or not to smoke at all.

The hell is this, 1955?

How selfish of me. I’ll be right back with the grotesque ashtrays my 2.5 children made at sleep-away camp.
posted by armeowda at 1:54 PM on February 12, 2023 [10 favorites]

I am still boggled by "bowls of cigarettes." My parents held parties where everyone smoked, and it was always a bring your own situation. Because smokers were particular about brands.
posted by emjaybee at 2:06 PM on February 12, 2023 [7 favorites]

Don’t post in the manner of an influencer if you’re not one.

But, but, how else am I going to become an influencer?
posted by box at 2:11 PM on February 12, 2023 [1 favorite]

Jason Kottke also had a response to the rules.
posted by Pronoiac at 2:29 PM on February 12, 2023 [2 favorites]

Bowls of cigarettes?

In this economy?
posted by RakDaddy at 2:30 PM on February 12, 2023 [10 favorites]

Don’t buy a gift off-registry.

Ignore this one. Gift registries are suggestion lists for guests who don't know what to buy. If you know the recipient well, you'll often have a very good idea of what they would like or need, and you might very well come up with a gift that they'll like better than anything listed on their registry.
posted by orange swan at 2:37 PM on February 12, 2023 [6 favorites]

It's pretty clear that there is no consensus at all on what is the polite thing to do in any situation and most of this article was hot takes. Chaos will continue to reign.
posted by maggiemaggie at 2:54 PM on February 12, 2023 [7 favorites]

Still, the historical mandate is hard-coded into most people and should be considered: If you’re penetrating, you pay.

Can one deduce, therefore, that the corollary is true: payment of the full bill may be taken as tacit consent to penetration?

Alternatively, can a chap save money on restaurant bills by cultivating an enthusiasm for pegging?

Pfft. With this many rules, anybody can easily find one to be on the wrong side of. I suspect the people who wrote this list think of themselves as the heirs to the Algonquin Round Table, but they just seem to be a cabal of the kinds of pedants who make Residents' Association meetings unbearable: "I think you'll find that Rule 6, Paragraph 2a says..."
posted by Grangousier at 2:57 PM on February 12, 2023 [3 favorites]

This is a real whiplash roller coaster for me. Thanks, I hate it!

But gifting randomly seems like a really good plan to me, especially if your friends have no self-evident needs. If you see something you think they'd really like and likely don't have (and doesn't take up precious countertop or utensil space!) then that's a pretty good gift and it will be welcome at any time.

But if not, that's OK too. Don't ask them about it; they may have put it on Ebay—which is also fine—don't make it weird!
posted by sjswitzer at 2:57 PM on February 12, 2023 [2 favorites]

106. If you are a fast walker and the person in front of you on the sidewalk is walking slowly, do not walk directly behind them for blocks on end.
Just sidestep into the street and go around them.
Fair enough but, if you're a slow walker, do not walk in the middle of the footpath, especially when there's a herd of you. Walk to the left so everyone can co-exist in peace and harmony and nobody has to think about pushing you in the back and walking right over your prone, bleeding body.
posted by dg at 3:05 PM on February 12, 2023 [10 favorites]

Walk to the left

What? You pass on the left. Step to the right.
posted by joannemerriam at 3:12 PM on February 12, 2023 [23 favorites]

I found myself next to a musician whose music who means the world to me after a performance in a small venue. I edged away because I was afraid I'd say something dumb like "I love your music, man." But I think it wouldn't have killed me to say, "Your music means so much to me; thanks for being here for us." I think that would have gone OK in retrospect.
posted by sjswitzer at 3:16 PM on February 12, 2023 [6 favorites]

It's weird finding out you guys don't leave big bowls of cigarettes lying about
posted by SystematicAbuse at 3:20 PM on February 12, 2023 [31 favorites]

> If you put out bowls of cigarettes at a party, you have to let people smoke inside.

I've also never seen this in my life but I guess I would say you shouldn't offer stuff to smoke and not a place to socially smoke it within the party?

Like if the party includes a balcony or a yard or porch or roof deck or whatever, or even if you don't have any of that but know your friends habitually go down in groups to the sidewalk to smoke, I think it would be fine to offer cigarettes/weed/cigars/etc. and ask people not to smoke inside. Especially if the host is going to be smoking and bringing people out to smoke.

Like, I think it's fine to tell people at an indoor-outdoor party there are hot dogs in the kitchen fridge and they can feel free to throw them on the grill outside, and it would be rude and weird for someone to randomly cook one inside on the stove. But it would be weird as a host to put out a pack of hot dogs and explain that you have a vegetarian kitchen, but people are welcome to grab a hot dog and microwave it at the gas station down the road.
posted by smelendez at 3:31 PM on February 12, 2023 [5 favorites]

Emily Post-hoc.
posted by snuffleupagus at 3:35 PM on February 12, 2023 [7 favorites]

I am still boggled by "bowls of cigarettes." My parents held parties where everyone smoked, and it was always a bring your own situation. Because smokers were particular about brands.

I'm 51, and my parents didn't smoke, but most of their friends did, and I have vague memories of being dragged along to bridge parties at which there were communal containers of cigarettes - like, a metal container with a lid on top, where you'd lift up a knob and cigarettes would sort of fan out from the container. I just tried to do a search for them under "cigarette bowl" and "cigarette container", but couldn't find them.

I read the article and just thought to myself that "these people have very different lives from mine" and sent up a silent prayer of gratitude that I'm not a writer in New York and don't have to pretend to like anyone's books or act cool around famous people.
posted by Daily Alice at 3:44 PM on February 12, 2023 [7 favorites]

Most of these rules seem to fit into two categories: 1. Rules for young, hip urbanites and 2. Rules for Wealthy New Yorkers who got to Parties to hobnob with the Famous.

As I fit neither of those categories, I will feel comfortable ignoring such rules.
posted by fimbulvetr at 3:45 PM on February 12, 2023 [7 favorites]

I lost my mind at the "never be impressed by anyone". It's dehumanizing to be impressed by someone???? To be sure, I promise not to be impressed by Pete Davidson. But when I meet someone who has done some cool shit I'm going to be impressed by it! Oh, you went to the moon? Cool I guess idk. Like what the FUCK is he going on about?

There are a few things on this list that I'm really glad are here. But then so much is complete batshit.

Also, rule 141: never send me a voice memo.

Also I sometimes do some dishes mid-party because I'd rather get some done now instead of in the cold light of a hangover. Keep partying guys, just cleaning up a bit!
posted by dis_integration at 3:49 PM on February 12, 2023 [6 favorites]

Apparently the term I was looking for was cigarette dispenser. And even though I no longer smoke, don't know anybody who does, and would not want anybody smoking in my house, I kind of really want some of these.
posted by Daily Alice at 3:51 PM on February 12, 2023 [7 favorites]

There were so many benefits to smoking - the social thing, the cool paraphernalia, the excuse to take regular breaks at work - that I've never found proper replacements for, miss deeply, but which nonetheless didn't outweigh the almost infinite downsides to smoking.
posted by Grangousier at 3:54 PM on February 12, 2023 [8 favorites]

never a serious smoker, never a nicotine addict ... but I do miss aspects of hanging out with smokers, having an easy excuse to ditch a social (or work) event for a few minutes, maybe discuss a few things that wouldn't otherwise be in context.
posted by philip-random at 3:59 PM on February 12, 2023 [2 favorites]

Just wanted to share author Rebecca Makkai's post about the very first rule, "You don't have to read everyone's book."
posted by carrienation at 4:08 PM on February 12, 2023 [1 favorite]

🗣️🚬
👇
🔥
🏺
posted by clavdivs at 4:16 PM on February 12, 2023

Tobacco marketers go to hell in an amphora?
posted by biogeo at 4:31 PM on February 12, 2023 [4 favorites]

OK, let's take a look ...

1) What? No. And they can take their "cheerful hand gesture" and shove it. 2) Two PM on the SAME DAY? Have a good reason or show up for the Thing. 3) I... guess? If that's actually a thing that human people ever do? 4) I don't even know what this means. 5) OK, I guess; I can't recall ever witnessing something like this happening, but am willing to believe it does. 6) What? No. Emergencies happen. 7) Good advice. 8) Sure, yeah. 9) Huh? Why? 10) No. You're not the boss of language.

Scoring four out of ten with me so far. Largely advice on what to do on a bad date. Hm.

11) Huh? Why ever not? 12) What the actual f*ck? 13) OK. But what a ... very weird explanation. 14) Your tastes are not everyone's tastes. 15) I suppose. 16) Badly phrased, but the explanation makes sense. 17) Good advice. 18) OK, I guess. 19) I dunno. I think this depends on a lot of things. 20) Whatever, old person.

Five out of ten on this set. Again, the bulk of the good advice was about bad dates. Really starting to wonder about these people.

21) Sure. 22) Yup. 23) OK, although there are slightly politer ways to say the same thing. 24) Spare me your neuroses. 25) Reasonable. 26) Sure. 27) Ehhhh OK. 28) I ... guess? Again, I suppose I believe this is a thing that happens although I've never experienced it. 29) Once again, I guess? But, like, duh? 30) Nah, other brief responses are fine, too.

A whopping eight out of ten! Sure some of them seemed like advice for space aliens, but some actually seem to have been written by reasonable humans who routinely interact with other humans!

31) Or, you know, don't ask. 32) OK. 33) Yup. 34) You are so boring. 35) Sure. 36) What? Are you even from this planet? 37) Um ... I didn't? Does anyone? Other than whoever wrote this? 38) You are definitely not from this planet. 39) Sure. 40) Or how about don't do this ever no matter what?

Four out of ten. We're backsliding!
posted by kyrademon at 4:33 PM on February 12, 2023

41) Hey, it's the Worst Advice! We found it! 42) ??? 43) OK. 44) Um ... this is ... weird? 45) OK. 46) Sure. 47) All right. 48) Yup. 49) Yup. 50) Christ just stop policing other people's food needs would you?

Six out of ten. The decent advice in this set seemed aimed mostly at white/straight/cis people interacting with non-white/straight/cis people.

51) Much as I sympathize, this just isn't how it works outside of a few large cities. Deal with it. 52) You are a terrible host. 53) Not always possible, and some of the rejected methods are fine. 54) OK except for the dumb scorekeeper part. 55) No. Are you insane? 56) Only applies if you followed the previous insane advice. 57) Not exactly wrong, but ... why is it phrased in this weirdly offputting way? 58) Not unreasonable, although oddly specific. 59) This seems scant. 60) Pass. I haven't the slightest idea about this one. Never used it.

Three...ish out of ten. Many of these were written by people who have no idea their friends hate them.

61) Agreed. 62) Don't do this during high school either, honestly. 63) In the universe where this is a thing that people do on their birthdays, OK I guess. 64) Um ... seriously, who is doing all these extreme weird birthday things? 65) Part I: Yes. Part II: What? 66) Well ... yes? 67) Um, OK. Although if your space is too dark to read the menu, maybe it is not actually the customers who are the problem? 68) I ... sure? I guess? 69) Agreed. 70) Once again, sharing your neuroses is not the same as giving good advice.

I don't even know how to score this set. Two made lots of sense. Maybe people who have been to ironic birthday parties would understand the rest better.

71) Well, I bet someone is sure looking at their party cigarette bowls and thinking what a fool they've been! 72) No. Why are you like this? 73) The explanation makes this reasonable. 74) Sure. 75) Nah. Your clever little lifehack won't be adored by everyone the way you think it will. 76) I get what you're trying to say here, but situations vary. You can't make a hard and fast here. 77) Or maybe listen to your hosts and believe them instead? 78) I see your point, I guess. 79) Makes sense. 80) Unless you ask. You can ask, you know.

Four decent pieces of advice, and then somewhere in an alternate universe, in 1955, there are cigarette bowls.
posted by kyrademon at 5:19 PM on February 12, 2023

It is FLATLY INFURIATING that people don't follow instructions when you ask for "no gifts" at a children's party. We started throwing cocktail parties, where we brought out a surprise cake, so people would stop bringing my well-gifted children (SO MANY AUNTS AND UNCLES) toys that could not fit in our VERY SMALL HOUSE. Like, we want them to have parties and cakes and sing happy birthday with their friends, but they own way more than enough stuff and get way more than enough gifts just from family gifts.

Make a nice card and call it a day.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 5:29 PM on February 12, 2023 [9 favorites]

Walk to the left
What? You pass on the left. Step to the right.
Well, I would do this if I were ever to be walking down a footpath in a country that drives on the right, sure.
posted by dg at 5:30 PM on February 12, 2023 [5 favorites]

The underlying rule of etiquette, as Sandi Toksvig states straight-out, is: make other people comfortable. Manners are a social lubricant, done correctly.

'Partner' is mainstream in Australian English; straight people use it, queer people use it, it's a simple, useful umbrella term that foregrounds the emotional connection without having to worry about the specifics. It might be weird in the US, but that's only because straight people hesitated.
posted by Merus at 5:31 PM on February 12, 2023 [11 favorites]

Anyone have a free link? I'm assaulted by the paywall...
posted by the_royal_we at 5:39 PM on February 12, 2023 [1 favorite]

1. Rules for young, hip urbanites and 2. Rules for Wealthy New Yorkers who got to Parties to hobnob with the Famous

Yeah, I that many of these rules must be for people who have very active (to the point I would probably be tearing my heart out) social lives with different social groups, each having different expectations. So the rules are trying to give you a genet idea of what will least offend the most # of people. And you get these weird cancel by 2 pm day of rules so you can be replaced.

If my friends cancel, I'm probably going to enjoy a quiet night, not try to slot someone else in.

And the exception for home cooked meals: half the time I've started prep work for something or bought the ingredients prior to the night before, so that's not as helpful as intended. Which is a trend.
posted by ghost phoneme at 5:42 PM on February 12, 2023

81) Huh? 82) Let's pretend this one says "it's fine to be concerned about COVID" and then it's not horrible. 83) Agreed. 84-91) I am not subscribing just so you can tell me how you think I should tip. I don't even live in the US and the rules are completely different here.

A mighty score of one on this set.

92) Or turn your microphone off. You can do that, you know. Oh, you didn't? This explains a lot. 93) Sure, there are meetings that don't require your full attention. They are a thing that exists. 94) This advice is bad and you should feel bad. 95) No. Cameras can be off for any reason. 96) Get over your issues, please. 97) Reasonable. 98) OK. 99) I sympathize, but we have lost this war; ignoring people you know is, in fact, the rude thing in our society. 100) Reasonable I guess.

Four out of nine.

101) Yes, duh. 102) You suck. 103) Yes of course? 104) I ... yes? Where do you work? Why are there toes? 105) OK, if you think being direct about it would be upsetting, sure. 106) Again, yes, duh. 107) Mm, depends, actually. If you're only going one stop or something, going deep in actually requires you to climb over more people and gets you more in the way, not less. 108) Or ask if they want help, if they're clearly struggling. What is this allergy to talking to people like they're people in a lot of this advice? 109) Frankly, this is better advice than "don't gossip" because almost everyone gossips anyway. 110) Agreed. Don't narc.

Some good advice here, but some it seems ... really basic? I guess that's OK. Everyone's probably missed out on at least one piece of basic advice.

111) I mean, sure, they don't own the sidewalk, but not ruining someone's camera shot isn't that hard, sheesh. 112) Agreed, actually. 113) No, you can't discipline your friends' kids, not unless they've said you can. 114) What? No. Don't force people to talk about their baby. WTF? 115) Tend to agree. 116) Agreed, unless asked. 117) Reasonable. 118) Reasonable. 119) Makes sense. 120) NO. NO, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

Some good stuff and some SERIOUSLY DEMENTED STUFF in this set.
posted by kyrademon at 5:49 PM on February 12, 2023

121) Uh ... sure? 122) k. 123) Your weirdly specific issues, once again, do not constitute advice. 124) Yes? But I mean ... Don't read your friends' emails either? Or rifle through their drawers looking for incriminating letters? 125) Sure. 126) I'm really starting to think this list needs therapy. 127) Not ... sure what you're complaining about? Are people really asking you to like and subscribe when there's nothing to like and subscribe? 128) OK. 129) No, don't gossip in voice memo either. What? 130) OK.

Weirdly alternating between the obvious and the bizarre here.

131) Huh? 132) Sure. 133) Not harassing people is generally good. 134) Why? 135) You do you, but you are not going to make fetch happen here. 136) Once I figured out what the heck this person was talking about, it seemed like decent advice. 137) So .... you've done some really hurtful things without thinking, huh. 138) OK. 139) Oh, whatever. People should do what they want. 140) Are you against newspaper obituaries, too?

Two decent ones here. And I'm done! I'M FREE!
posted by kyrademon at 6:02 PM on February 12, 2023 [1 favorite]

Rule #141, do not make people click links in the middle of your very long list to read your entire list.

I completely disagree with #94, about work emails at any hour. No. If you must, schedule emails to arrive at 8 AM.

#104, "If you are in the office, you are wearing shoes." Objectively sound advice that I have not followed in years.
posted by mersen at 6:10 PM on February 12, 2023 [3 favorites]

When another human is present, don’t talk to your animal in the private voice you use when alone together.

I feel absolutely attacked.
posted by gauche at 6:43 PM on February 12, 2023 [12 favorites]

I definitely tone it down. Rather like that bit about when gossiping, think that the person in question is twelve feet away.
posted by philip-random at 7:00 PM on February 12, 2023

Anyone have a free link? I'm assaulted by the paywall.

That'll be a buck three eighty nine.
posted by clavdivs at 7:07 PM on February 12, 2023 [2 favorites]

For group dinners with friends, always split the bill evenly.

What? No. Do they not have computers in NYC restaurants? Here the wait staff has already entered all orders seperately and always ask seperate or combined. There isn't diviving up by guests and hasn't been since the mid 90s.
posted by Mitheral at 7:31 PM on February 12, 2023 [1 favorite]

110. Saw someone shoplifting? No, you didn’t. Ditto for jumping the turnstile.

If this list were reduced to one item, it would be this one.

Shoplifters could never steal as much from a business as business steals in wage theft and union busting.
posted by AlSweigart at 7:35 PM on February 12, 2023 [12 favorites]

The author(s) should read this list aloud to everyone at every social engagement ever from hereon out and hold their audience hostage until they say they're done.
posted by room9 at 7:53 PM on February 12, 2023 [2 favorites]

If you put out bowls of cigarettes at a party, you have to let people smoke inside.

The only time I have ever heard of anyone doing this was when Mary-Kate Olsen got married:

In a Venn diagram of the Olsen twins and French people, there is but one intersection: cigarettes. Mary-Kate Olsen and Olivier Sarkozy—an Olsen twin and a French person, respectively—are not unaware of this fact, even as they remain unaware of how strange they look as a couple, the 46-year-old banker towering over the 29-year-old fashion designer like a withering oak might tower over a rapidly cooling Starbucks cup someone accidentally left under the withering oak. On Friday night, the two were wed in an “intimate Manhattan ceremony,” where, according to Page Six, party decor consisted of “bowls and bowls filled with cigarettes, and everyone smoked the whole night.”
posted by oneirodynia at 8:04 PM on February 12, 2023 [4 favorites]

On the balance a pretty good list. Some of these are so very right, some feel oddly specific (bowl of cigarettes? wtf?), and a few are very wrong, but only a few.

e.g emails at any hour: personal yes, work absolutely not. Outlook has a delay send that even use's your team member's calendars to schedule the email to arrive within their working hours. Absolutely use that especially if you are manager.
posted by 3j0hn at 8:13 PM on February 12, 2023 [1 favorite]

Gmail has email scheduling. Just click on the little down arrow beside the "Send" button and you can set the time and date of your choosing.
posted by orange swan at 9:09 PM on February 12, 2023 [2 favorites]

76. If your host is doing the dishes, it means you’re supposed to leave.

What a boring, droll dinner party! How quaint!

If we are doing the dishes that probably means we ran out of dishes and it's time for pie and board games, or maybe half of a third plate of leftovers, fresh cocktails or generally more hanging out and yes you totally can help with the dishes I was cooking and baking pie all day today. How about we do the dishes, smoke a doob on the porch and think about making fresh whipped cream for the pie?

Most of this list is hell.
posted by loquacious at 9:09 PM on February 12, 2023 [12 favorites]

I…have been to a party with big bowls of cigarettes. It was an extravagant Yorkville apartment (in Toronto), and what struck me most at the time was wow, these people have money to burn. Literally. Anyway, there was a huge patio and it was summertime so we all smoked happily and excessively and that was a very long time ago. The 90s were a whole vibe.
posted by Go Banana at 9:35 PM on February 12, 2023

76. If your host is doing the dishes, it means you’re supposed to leave.

I often sneak off from a party to the kitchen and do the dishes just so I can stand to stay as long as my friends want to. Many a host has found a cleaned up kitchen, dishes washed, and trash taken out when I attended. Then I think it's time to leave.
posted by a humble nudibranch at 9:55 PM on February 12, 2023 [7 favorites]

I've learned the hard way that prolonged sitting isn't good for me. I end up doing way more than my share of the dishes.
posted by philip-random at 10:23 PM on February 12, 2023

How to split a check? Declare the plan before the RSVP, works for groups, for dates etc

Also: being early is more rude than late about a factor of 2:1 by minutes.

Also: do not start a serious conversation with a partner until they have had a chance to use the bathroom and have eaten a regularly scheduled meal.

Also: do not make a person guess.

Also: if someone makes a registry, use it
Also: offer/invite someone to try a food item once, and accept "no" for a f-ing answer.

Also, if your ettiquitte rule boils down to "ignore or do the opposite of what was explicitly said", just admit you hate people who aren't in your elite mind reading club of secret double plus subtle reverse communications. Flames... flames on the side of my head.

Voicemail is just a trick to get evil people to out themselves. Use text.
posted by anecdotal_grand_theory at 12:37 AM on February 13, 2023 [1 favorite]

As a straight person you SHOULD refer to your spouse as your partner because that gives cover for the non-straight people to also refer to whomever they are with as their partner without them having to come out to every random person, every single time they mention their SO in conversation.

This is like non disabled people also buying a shower chair, not only is it perfectly fine but it also makes it more likely a disabled person will be able to find one in stock at the store.
posted by subdee at 1:47 AM on February 13, 2023 [16 favorites]

Not to mention all the people out there in heterosexual marriages who nevertheless, are not straight. Like is it okay for bi people to use "partner"? What about straight trans people? Why even open this can of worms?
posted by subdee at 1:49 AM on February 13, 2023 [6 favorites]

Yeah, there are a lot of questionable notions, but I liked the one about not telling people they look like other people (or cartoon animals in my case. I was once told in junior high that I should consider dressing all pink, because then I would look like Miss Piggy, and while I' m deeply convinced this should be a compliment - because Miss Piggy is iconic - judging from context, it obviously wasn't intended as such.)

It is a mercy that we never know exactly how we are perceived by others. We are perceived, of course, but I have learned that the only way to function is to bumble on in willful ignorance.

Amen to that.
posted by sohalt at 2:09 AM on February 13, 2023 [1 favorite]

I lost my mind at the "never be impressed by anyone". It's dehumanizing to be impressed by someone??

I admit, I sometimes like indulging people's vanities, because I sometimes like my vanities indulged in turn, and honestly, it's such an easy way to make someone feel good and costs me literally nothing. I actually think a little bit of vanity makes you more human, not less. I've always had a soft spot for a bit of a show-off - sure, it's transparent, it's a bit foolish, because showing people what you're vain about shows them what you value, and it shows them the buttons to push to get at you. Showing off is asking for admiration and asking for admiration is giving someone the opportunity to deny it. It takes some courage to make yourself that vulnerable, and I can appreciate that.

Of course, I'm also often impressed by people who are not actively trying to impress me, and maybe that's different, but then again, why suppress it? I would get the point if it said "don't act inferior/ don't idolize people", because it's easy to see how that could make the other person uncomfortable (people who tend to put others on pedestals also often tend to evenutally tear them down), but surely that's all rather different from merely being impressed?

I mean, if you can fart the Marseillaise, hell, yeah, I'm going to be impressed. Doesn't mean that I now necessarily consider you my superior. Farting the Marseillaise has never been a particular ambition of mine, and never will be, so I don't exactly perceive my inability to do so as a particular lack in myself or as an insurmountable chasm between us.

Whoever wrote that part is clearly acting too impressed by other people acting impressed. Most often, it's just not that deep.
posted by sohalt at 2:54 AM on February 13, 2023 [3 favorites]

4. When shopping with a friend, don’t cut them in the rack.

Can someone tell me what this means? I thought I spoke English but apparently not.

I'm interpreting it as "don't wait until the clothes rack hides them from security cameras and then stab them."

8. It’s acceptable to tell any kind of lie in order to leave a drinks date.

"Sorry, I have to go, I just heard that your house is on fire and I hate to be a distraction."

38. Always wink.

I haven't winked since I was about 10. I just can't pull it off. But apparently I should be doing it non-stop at all times.

Other than that, there's some great advice. Tomorrow I'm throwing a party where I expect Pete Davidson, Bobby DeNiro, a few superstars, the child of a famous politician, and some famous designers to show up. I'll be playing the latest popular music from current trending musicians like 50 Cent, and now I know I need to lay out bowls of cigarettes and make sure I don't act the slightest bit impressed by them. And refuse to read their books.
posted by mmoncur at 4:28 AM on February 13, 2023 [14 favorites]

When shopping with a friend, don’t cut them in the rack.

I have no idea what this means but I've decided that when women go shopping together they need to be mindful about not slicing each other's boobs with their katanas.

I will not be convinced otherwise.
posted by GCU Sweet and Full of Grace at 4:54 AM on February 13, 2023 [8 favorites]

4. When shopping with a friend, don’t cut them in the rack.


I didn't get this at first, but I think if your friend is looking down a row of clothes, don't cut ahead of them and find a treasure before them? An odd competitive shopping thing, to be sure.
posted by tiny frying pan at 4:56 AM on February 13, 2023 [8 favorites]

I feel like almost all of the rules can be covered by my "Don't be an episode of Three's Company" rule: Communicate, often, clearly and kindly. That's really all it takes to avoid laying or stepping on social landmines.

(Also dear TV writers please stop using a lack of communication as a plot device).
posted by srboisvert at 5:10 AM on February 13, 2023 [8 favorites]

I enjoyed reading this list even if I didn't like all the rules (and felt like that was going to be obvious when some of the cut-away people's rules were internally contradictory).

What I liked was people having strong opinions that it's important to treat other people well and here's how.

Something about this reminded me of Orwell's rules of writing - the 6th and most important of which is "Break any of these rules sooner than say anything outright barbarous."

Like, rules are good, but there will always be cases where the rule doesn't apply - and it's important to do what you set out to do (treat people well) more so than it is to follow the rule.
posted by entropone at 5:31 AM on February 13, 2023 [5 favorites]

Surely "don't cut them in the rack" means don't buy an item they were about to buy?
posted by Zumbador at 5:46 AM on February 13, 2023 [3 favorites]

In the oughts a friend of mine would buy a few packs of cigarettes before a party. She’d arrange them in jars and put them out for people to take and enjoy so the social smokers wouldn’t have to bum off the smokers and the smokers wouldn’t have to leave the party to get more if they ran out. I always thought it was a thoughtful, classy touch. We only smoked on the back patio, though.
posted by Tuba Toothpaste at 5:48 AM on February 13, 2023

Personally I dislike the word “husband” so I use spouse, but when I’m low on spoons and the words aren’t flowing, partner does get used.
posted by childofTethys at 6:27 AM on February 13, 2023 [3 favorites]

When shopping with a friend, don’t cut them in the rack.

The best sales racks often only have one of each thing in each size (or one that doesn't have stains). This means law of the jungle applies. Good friends respect territories. Also, non-chain clothing stores almost never have more sizes in the back (and most chains don't anymore, either). There may only be one in the size/color combo you both want. If the other person is there first, you don't leg your way around them in the rack or the pile and happen to grab it before they find it.
posted by Mchelly at 6:38 AM on February 13, 2023 [2 favorites]

Case in point.
posted by Mchelly at 6:44 AM on February 13, 2023 [1 favorite]

#95. Always cameras on for work calls.

No ******* way. thank god no-one in my org takes this seriously. Read the ******* room. Sometimes yes, sometimes not at all, sometimes optional. This isn't a simple yes/no thing.

Our provost once said during a conference call that we struggle with reception on our Teams program and she's found that turning off the cameras often helps. I suspect she just might not like being on camera, but I don't either so I'm delighted by that excuse.
posted by dlugoczaj at 7:50 AM on February 13, 2023 [5 favorites]

When shopping with a friend, don’t cut them in the rack.

That you would even think to snatch something your friend might want ahead of when they saw it is some weird, sad, NYC law-of-the-jungle shit that I am more than pleased not to understand at all.
posted by tiny frying pan at 8:14 AM on February 13, 2023 [7 favorites]

20. Don’t describe TikToks. It’s more boring than describing dreams.

I disagreed with large portions of these, but #20 is correct on both counts. Send a link to the TikTok, and keep your dreams to yourself. That's why they're dreams.
posted by Furnace of Doubt at 8:33 AM on February 13, 2023 [4 favorites]

Surely "don't cut them in the rack" means don't buy an item they were about to buy?

That's certainly a more plausible reading of those words than mine. But while I'm sure it's true for you and/or the women in your life, as I said I shall not be moved from the boob-chopping sword-carrying truth I have found in those words. Hier stehe ich. Ich kann nicht anders.

(thank you; it's just far enough from my own patterns of speech that I'd never have gotten it)
posted by GCU Sweet and Full of Grace at 8:42 AM on February 13, 2023 [3 favorites]

It’s more boring than describing dreams.

I figure we're all allowed maybe one shared dream per year, because some dreams are fabulously strange in a pertinent sort of way. This doesn't mean you must share one dream per year but it should make one think once-twice-three-times before sharing. Do I really want to blow it on Tybor (the dog) getting lost in a forest which turns out to be not a forest at all but the cluttered backstage costume area of a theatre and, sure enough, you eventually stumble out onto the stage itself, naked, in front of a packed house ... and there right up front is Tybor sitting on George Clooney's lap? And then somebody shouts "Fire!"
posted by philip-random at 8:53 AM on February 13, 2023 [5 favorites]

Doesn't "never be impressed by anyone" kinda conflict with making sure celebrities never have there back to the room. Why bother unless either you are impressed or you want other people to be.
posted by Mitheral at 9:15 AM on February 13, 2023

If we are doing the dishes that probably means we ran out of dishes and it's time for pie and board games

Clearing dishes is essential because that's where the battlemaps go. Also having a plate behind the screen is a complete pain in the ass.

I'd say, it's polite to at least offer to wash and/or dry, especially if the host cooked.
posted by bonehead at 9:42 AM on February 13, 2023 [4 favorites]

keep your dreams to yourself. That's why they're dreams.

WTH kind of dreams do you people have? Mine are wildly and hilariously insane and great story fodder.

Or do you mean figurative dreams about your future?
posted by srboisvert at 9:44 AM on February 13, 2023 [4 favorites]

Mine are wildly and hilariously insane and great story fodder.

Hearing anyone describe a dream is usually very tedious for most people? Dreams are so personal, no one can automatically relate to whatever it is that caught your brain in the night. I thought that was a pretty standard belief, actually.
posted by tiny frying pan at 10:17 AM on February 13, 2023 [7 favorites]

In the past I've had a dream that was like a science fiction novel, so I guess it would be like recapping a story from a novel. which could get boring.
posted by bleary at 10:56 AM on February 13, 2023 [1 favorite]

The only dreams I discuss with my partner are those where I shout in my sleep, or perhaps strike out against terrors. The rest might as well never happen.
posted by Midnight Skulker at 11:08 AM on February 13, 2023 [1 favorite]

30. When casually asked how you are, say “Good!”

It’s neutral and doesn’t force someone to endure a trauma dump or a spiel on how “the world is up in flames.”

i mean, i guess. like, yeah, trauma dumps are rough, but at least this way people who aren't part of a marginalized group can pretend things are going just fuckin' fine, bob! cheer up and give us a smile there, luv, it may never happen.

how 'bout just not asking that question at all and doing something more prosaic but connective, like, "have you eaten yet?"
posted by i used to be someone else at 12:55 PM on February 13, 2023 [2 favorites]

as my mom aged, I had to escort her to her doctor's office many a time. Try as I may, I could not wean her from saying, "How are you?" to everyone she recognized.

"Mom, we're at the doctor's office. They're probably not feeling so hot. Just say, hi."
posted by philip-random at 2:11 PM on February 13, 2023

Leia: I love you
Han Solo: You're right.
posted by Chuffy at 2:53 PM on February 13, 2023 [7 favorites]

a dream is usually very tedious for most people?

Yes, tiny frying pan, nothing more irrelevant than another's deep-sleep dream. No, I don't want to hear about it.
posted by Rash at 3:05 PM on February 13, 2023

I know The Cut is part of New York magazine but wow, some of that advice was not applicable to anywhere outside metro NYC.
posted by gentlyepigrams at 3:39 PM on February 13, 2023 [2 favorites]

As far as I can see, and admittedly with exceptions, these offer generally decent advice on:

1) What to do on a bad date
2) How not to be the worst possible white / straight / cisgendered person
3) How to be considerate during a pandemic

And generally terrible advice on:

1) How to behave at a party
2) How to behave at work
3) How to behave online
4) How to treat your friends and loved ones
5) How to talk to other humans, rather than guess at the Secret Agenda they apparently all have and refuse to share

Huh. I'm not sure I understand the kind of socialization that teaches you to be considerate of relative strangers but shitty to anyone you know.
posted by kyrademon at 3:42 PM on February 13, 2023 [3 favorites]

I guess I'm in the minority on dreams. I love hearing about them. Dreams are just fascinating to me
posted by treepour at 4:10 PM on February 13, 2023 [2 favorites]

My rule of thumb for describing dreams is that people who are generally interesting, funny, enjoyable, or cool should get to describe theirs, and people who are unpleasant drips shouldn't bore us with theirs.

I feel like that general rule applies to lots of the items on this list: "If you are self-aware, empathetic, and pleasant, do whatever you'd like, since you'll find a way to make it work—and if you're not those things, be more wary of doing things, since there's not a rule in the world that you won't find a way to bork."
posted by Tom Hanks Cannot Be Trusted at 6:01 PM on February 13, 2023 [6 favorites]

'Partner' is mainstream in Australian English; straight people use it, queer people use it, it's a simple, useful umbrella term that foregrounds the emotional connection without having to worry about the specifics. It might be weird in the US, but that's only because straight people hesitated.

I'm a hetero white dude in the US, and I use "partner" almost exclusively. 25% habit, 25% ally-ship, 50% to irritate and confuse homophobes and the sort of people who write lists of rules of etiquette.
posted by Mayor West at 8:41 PM on February 13, 2023 [8 favorites]

I'm a bisexual cis woman who is currently in a relationship with a man, and I always use partner.

Incidentally, I would love it if straight women would stop using "girlfriend"/"girlfriends" to describe female friends who they are not in any sort of romantic relationship with.
posted by chariot pulled by cassowaries at 9:43 PM on February 13, 2023 [1 favorite]

Same here, treepour. I'd love if more people told me their dreams. Dreams are wild. And discussing them you can get into a weird creative space within the context of that dream. It's like talking about story ideas but the ideas weren't consciously created. It's a place to play around with ideas. I'd rather everyone talked about them. But there's a weird thing where it's treated like you're bothering someone when you are excited by an idea.
posted by downtohisturtles at 9:48 PM on February 13, 2023 [3 favorites]

36. Never ask anyone what their job is.

Yeah, it’s more polite to break the ice with a more open-ended question, like “So, what’s your deal?”
posted by aubilenon at 4:54 AM on February 14, 2023 [9 favorites]

Btw, “So, what’s your deal?” also works great when being introduced to celebrities
posted by aubilenon at 5:29 AM on February 14, 2023 [8 favorites]

I'm not automatically excited about someone's dream idea, and I think that's normal. Again, it's so personal.

It's not like any dream ever wasn't interesting, but there really isn't any way to politely tell someone you don't want to hear theirs right now, so it can be awkward when they plow forward telling you a lot of random things in a row.
posted by tiny frying pan at 5:29 AM on February 14, 2023 [1 favorite]

If you're an exceptionally good story teller, or I want something from you, or the dream features ME in it prominently, then I'm very interested to hear it. Otherwise, yeah, probably best to keep it to yourself.
posted by some loser at 5:34 AM on February 14, 2023

> "Yeah, it’s more polite to break the ice with a more open-ended question, like 'So, what’s your deal?'"

I prefer the exquisite delicacy and politeness of, "Who the hell do you think you are?" It emphatically yet unintrusively allows them to state their own beliefs about their essential nature, without imposing an artificial career, hobby, or relationship-based superstructure upon them.

Use it whenever you meet someone new! Try screaming it at the top of your lungs for extra emphasis!
posted by kyrademon at 5:41 AM on February 14, 2023 [6 favorites]

I prefer the exquisite delicacy and politeness of, "Who the hell do you think you are?"

I don't know how the show works since the move to satellite long ago, but like 30 years ago, Howard Stern used to send John "Stuttering John" Melendez out to red-carpet events to ask things like, "Who are you and what makes you famous?”
posted by mikelieman at 5:55 AM on February 14, 2023 [2 favorites]

I got a lot of interesting reactions to "Whatever happened to you?" at my high school reunion.
posted by Rash at 8:53 AM on February 14, 2023 [2 favorites]

or the dream features ME in it prominently, then I'm very interested to hear it.

two situations immediately come to mind from long ago (childhood one of them) when somebody had to tell me about a dream they had in which I featured prominently. Which tells me yes, I'm interested in being engaged in such a way, even if I'm a villain (I was a villain in one of those dreams, successfully convincing a friend's straight laced churchgoing mom that she needed to drop a heroic dose of LSD).

It also brings to mind a quote I recall that said you know you actually exist when you start showing up in other people's dreams. Or words to that effect.
posted by philip-random at 9:02 AM on February 14, 2023 [1 favorite]

“So, what’s your deal?”

Coincidentally, if your imaginary after-dinner companions are casting "speak with the dead", this is an excellent opener for your five questions of the post mortal.
posted by bonehead at 12:42 PM on February 14, 2023 [2 favorites]

I used to have people mention that I'd appeared in their dreams pretty often. Suspiciously frequently they told me I'd been on fire.
posted by aneel at 5:31 PM on February 14, 2023 [2 favorites]

that's on them, not you
posted by philip-random at 9:11 PM on February 14, 2023

36. Never ask anyone what their job is.

I do like this one and have always tried to follow it. Especially in a place like NYC (but not exclusively) many people use that question, consciously or not, to place you socially.
posted by atrazine at 6:50 AM on February 15, 2023

I would like to thank this list for giving me permission (as ITEM #1, nonetheless), to continue ignoring my friend's constant and desperate pleas to read their "sapphic dystopian sci-fi novella series"....

I also took it as permission to not have to read the rest of this otherwise very strange list of "rules".
posted by wats at 10:53 PM on February 23, 2023 [2 favorites]

Um.

That sounds pretty good, actually.

What's the title of the first book in the series?
posted by kyrademon at 4:13 AM on February 24, 2023