Snark Tank

May 10, 2024 12:20 PM

They Made A Crypto Shark Tank. It's Hilariously Bad.
posted by chavenet (27 comments total)

Bravo on the post title. Take a bow, you've won the day. Bravo.
posted by Abehammerb Lincoln at 12:28 PM on May 10 [14 favorites]

"I was wondering, you know, because this is a crypto scheme where nobody's been rug-pulled yet, but he has rug-pulled his wife."

😂😂😂
posted by uncleozzy at 12:34 PM on May 10 [5 favorites]

The Enron baseball cap is a nice touch.
posted by They sucked his brains out! at 12:43 PM on May 10 [7 favorites]

Goes with his Lehman Brothers sweatshirt. But he really needs an FTX mug for this one.
posted by The Bellman at 12:47 PM on May 10 [3 favorites]

@VessOnSecurity (responding to a prompt of "Explain Bitcoin as completely as possible in a single tweet"):

It's like if idling your car 24/7 occasionally produced solved Sudoku puzzles that you could then exchange for heroin.

posted by DirtyOldTown at 12:48 PM on May 10 [47 favorites]

I may hate everything about this, including the chairs.
posted by GenjiandProust at 12:58 PM on May 10 [4 favorites]

Why do they all gang up on Ran? Poor guy, he's just as stupid as the rest of them; they should be nicer.
posted by Saxon Kane at 1:03 PM on May 10 [1 favorite]

CW: Scaramucci
posted by JHarris at 1:11 PM on May 10 [7 favorites]

@VessOnSecurity (responding to a prompt of "Explain Bitcoin as completely as possible in a single tweet"):

It's like if idling your car 24/7 occasionally produced solved Sudoku puzzles that you could then exchange for heroin

Nah that was a Theophite quip
posted by BungaDunga at 1:33 PM on May 10 [8 favorites]

(sigh) Everything on that site is stolen.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 1:42 PM on May 10 [2 favorites]

The Enron baseball cap is a nice touch.

And a Lehman Brothers shirt, too!
posted by aubilenon at 2:39 PM on May 10 [2 favorites]

I didn't think it would be possible to make something much worse than Shark Tank, but you know me and my relentless optimism.
posted by Faint of Butt at 3:14 PM on May 10 [7 favorites]

Is this the Batman garage?!
posted by Glinn at 5:14 PM on May 10 [1 favorite]

(are we sure this isn't fake?)
posted by Glinn at 5:15 PM on May 10 [1 favorite]

Even though this isn't fake, it's still less real than some actually fake things.

Like crypto itself.
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 5:18 PM on May 10 [3 favorites]

Obviously missing a Pitch and Pitch. Lord if only that were real - I would 100% watch.
posted by Gyre,Gimble,Wabe, Esq. at 5:22 PM on May 10 [3 favorites]

I don’t know if I can watch past the guy who is living in his sister‘s basement with his wife and kid while he’s put $50,000 in his … web page, apparently
posted by Countess Elena at 6:40 PM on May 10 [2 favorites]

The amazon link wants me to pay to watch this? It's streaming for free on Tubi.
posted by Gary at 6:59 PM on May 10 [1 favorite]

(are we sure this isn't fake?)

Holy shit! This is like that brilliant reality show, Jury Duty, but this time it's the Mooch that is the only person that's not an actor. Brilliant
posted by NoMich at 7:42 PM on May 10 [2 favorites]

This is brutal. This feels like I'm watching a Christopher Guest mockumentary.
posted by foxtongue at 9:24 PM on May 10 [3 favorites]

NoMich, that would make way too much sense
posted by kandinski at 1:52 AM on May 11 [2 favorites]

Thank you for posting this. Until today I had -- no kidding -- a lurking dread that maybe there was some sort of above-my-head genius financial figuring going on. I'm not a math guy or a money guy so despite all the evidence, books, and journalism exposing this as the world's greatest Ponzi scheme I still thought maybe I'm missing something.

But I'd never really been directly exposed to crypto people other than seeing headlines, oblique shared posts on social media, a Super Bowl ad.

I never realized how fucking dumb they are.

Arrogance makes people confuse "lucky" and "smart". This isn't exactly a novel thought of mine, but boy howdy, watching this it really hits how how much these lucky-assed dead-eyed silver-spooned trust-fund dipshits confuse rolling a few Nat20s with having an 18 INT.

So sincerely and deeply, thank you so much for posting this. It's a huge relief.
posted by Shepherd at 6:14 AM on May 11 [10 favorites]

Ape Water is the new Disney guys, you heard it here.
posted by wellifyouinsist at 8:03 AM on May 11 [3 favorites]

Shepherd, so much about crypto (especially NFTs) is confusing because it's such a baldfaced scam that when you explain what it is, people think there's something they don't understand. "It can't be just a cryptographically-signed spreadsheet listing a bunch of URLs and how much some fool paid to have their wallet number listed next to them. What am I missing?" Nothing. You're not missing anything. It really is that dumb.
posted by straight at 12:18 PM on May 11 [10 favorites]

Ape Water is the new Disney guys, you heard it here.
posted by wellifyouinsist at 8:03 AM on May 11 [1 favorite −] Favorite added! [⚑]

Eponyisterical!
posted by chavenet at 1:15 PM on May 11 [1 favorite]

Dude in the reaction video nails it early when he says it is a brilliant parody of Shark Tank but somehow intended to be real.

I would love to see reaction videos from each of the Shark Tank regulars to watching an episode of this. Make them do it A Clockwork Orange-style if necessary.

I guess nobody told the Ape Water guy that even aluminum cans have plastic liners.

The show would be a lot more fun with a crypto skeptic on the panel just tearing their hair out during every pitch and deeply sighing at the other whales as they come up with dumbest takes possible.
posted by jimw at 1:46 PM on May 11 [1 favorite]

I didn't laugh until the woman judge asked, "Does she have a prenup?"
posted by wintermind at 5:10 PM on May 11 [3 favorites]