Squatty Potty sold separately

April 18, 2017 10:38 AM

Days after legitimizing the theretofore secret-menu-only pink drink and announcing a new gluten-free breakfast sandwich, Starbucks has announced what might be the pinnacle of comestible engineering, the color and flavor changing unicorn frappuccino (North America only).
posted by 7segment (116 comments total)

Starbucks blue (drizzle).
posted by chavenet at 10:39 AM on April 18, 2017 [2 favorites]

How is this different from their other breakfast milkshakes?
posted by NervousVarun at 10:44 AM on April 18, 2017 [1 favorite]

STARBUCKS: WE FATTEN YOU THE FUCK UP.
posted by Ogre Lawless at 10:45 AM on April 18, 2017 [18 favorites]

oh my god a drive through breakfast sandwich that I can eat? I already live off of their rice crispie treats. Geez.
posted by Tesseractive at 10:46 AM on April 18, 2017 [3 favorites]

And so Starbucks' gradual transformation into Dairy Queen is now officially complete.
posted by Strange Interlude at 10:47 AM on April 18, 2017 [49 favorites]

Abomination.
posted by Liquidwolf at 10:49 AM on April 18, 2017 [2 favorites]

is that still even coffee? Or am I looking at some sort of candy fruit smoothy?
posted by rebent at 10:49 AM on April 18, 2017 [2 favorites]

How is this post anything but a Starbucks press release?
posted by easily confused at 10:51 AM on April 18, 2017 [13 favorites]

Just because it's a starbucks press release doesn't mean we can't giggle/laugh/snark/salivate at it
posted by R a c h e l at 10:52 AM on April 18, 2017

The Unicorn Frappuccino blended crème is made with a sweet dusting of pink powder, blended into a crème Frappuccino with mango syrup and layered with a pleasantly sour blue drizzle. It is finished with vanilla whipped cream and a sprinkle of sweet pink and sour blue powder topping.

This sounds disgusting and possibly toxic lol
posted by naju at 10:55 AM on April 18, 2017 [21 favorites]

Starbucks doesn't link to third-party QSR review and secret menu sites in their press releases.
posted by 7segment at 10:56 AM on April 18, 2017

Good grief, that Unicorn Frappuccino looks like someone put the eighties in a glass.
posted by Halloween Jack at 10:56 AM on April 18, 2017 [11 favorites]

The real question is what else one could/would order with the blue drizzle while it's in stores. Lemonade? Iced tea? Black coffee?
posted by R a c h e l at 10:57 AM on April 18, 2017 [6 favorites]

Yeah, the deliberate vagueness around the provenance of the various colored powders immediately raises red flags. Above and beyond the normal ones that Starbucks raises for those of us who enjoy coffee instead of glorified milkshakes for children masquerading as coffee.
posted by Strange Interlude at 10:58 AM on April 18, 2017 [3 favorites]

why

why you do the thing sbux
posted by Kitteh at 10:59 AM on April 18, 2017 [2 favorites]

Yeah, the deliberate vagueness around the provenance of the various colored powders immediately raises red flags.

Red flags? More like red insects, amirite?
posted by GuyZero at 10:59 AM on April 18, 2017 [3 favorites]

From the press release, I clicked over to this release about cold-brew-based mocktails - one a spin on a Moscow Mule (a far better trend than unicorns if you ask me) and the other a "lemon sour". While idk about lemon and coffee, those actually look interesting enough to try at home.
posted by R a c h e l at 11:00 AM on April 18, 2017

liquefied unicorns

Liquid Unicorn is my FOXHOUND name.
posted by Strange Interlude at 11:01 AM on April 18, 2017 [8 favorites]

Good grief, that Unicorn Frappuccino looks like someone put the eighties in a glass.

It looks like Lisa Frank threw up.
posted by Greg_Ace at 11:01 AM on April 18, 2017 [31 favorites]

I would totally order this, and in fact am sad that I won't be able to. Eighties in a cup? SIGN ME UP. I will enjoy totally my cup of Lisa Frank vomit without irony.
posted by Kutsuwamushi at 11:03 AM on April 18, 2017 [4 favorites]

Sandwich is already gluten-free, why did you have to go full suburb and make it with reduced fat cheese??1/1?!! FFS, Starbucks! That's not funny.
posted by monopas at 11:04 AM on April 18, 2017

naju: This sounds disgusting and possibly toxic lol

The perfect drink for 2017.
posted by filthy light thief at 11:06 AM on April 18, 2017 [12 favorites]

Interested parties
posted by Wolfdog at 11:06 AM on April 18, 2017 [1 favorite]

I will eat or drink just about any odd "limited edition" thing, but this looks effing gross.
posted by apricot at 11:07 AM on April 18, 2017

This limited-time offering is as fleeting as a rainbow, available April 19-23, while supplies last

Relevant WaPo article: “Brands want to capitalize on 4/20 munchies...”
posted by miles per flower at 11:08 AM on April 18, 2017 [6 favorites]

So basically Solo Jazz Frappuccino
posted by oulipian at 11:10 AM on April 18, 2017 [3 favorites]

The Unicorn Frappuccino blended crème is made with a sweet dusting of pink powder, blended into a crème Frappuccino with mango syrup and layered with a pleasantly sour blue drizzle. It is finished with vanilla whipped cream and a sprinkle of sweet pink and sour blue powder topping.

"crème", "pink powder", "pleasantly sour blue drizzle"

Literally none of those are food. Ok, I will give you mango syrup. Maybe.

WTF
posted by quaking fajita at 11:10 AM on April 18, 2017 [9 favorites]

Starbucks doesn't link to third-party QSR review and secret menu sites in their press releases.

Even if this post were a mere press release, it would be worth it for the excellent title.
posted by asperity at 11:11 AM on April 18, 2017 [1 favorite]

all this bullshit and I'm still asked to leave the store when I ask the barista for purple drank
posted by prize bull octorok at 11:11 AM on April 18, 2017 [14 favorites]

This reminds me of something
posted by Tabitha Someday at 11:12 AM on April 18, 2017 [2 favorites]

Pink drink, huh? I didn't realize Starbucks carried codeine syrup. Or Jolly Ranchers, for that matter.
posted by kevinbelt at 11:18 AM on April 18, 2017

It looks like it should be sitting on a checkerboard next to a Roman scuplture.
posted by anthom at 11:23 AM on April 18, 2017 [14 favorites]

Greg Nog: "The elusive unicorn from medieval legend has been making a comeback. Once only found in enchanted forests, unicorns have been popping up in social media with shimmering unicorn-themed food and drinks. Now Starbucks is taking the trend to a new level with its first Unicorn Frappuccino® blended beverage

Ugh, of course the corporate types jumped all over this trend. I remember back in Greenpoint in 2010, when I was the only person I knew killing and consuming liquefied unicorns."

so THAT'S what's in Greg Nog...
posted by chavenet at 11:23 AM on April 18, 2017 [5 favorites]

All of the magic change in the cup stuff reminds me of Jello 1-2-3 or Bisquick Impossible Pie recipes.

Appealing, yet ineffably wrong.
posted by monopas at 11:24 AM on April 18, 2017 [2 favorites]

It's not made with actual Unicorn. I am very sad.
posted by Archelaus at 11:25 AM on April 18, 2017 [1 favorite]

I'm a little bummed it's only available for five days. Is April 19-23 some sort of significant time for unicorns?
posted by kimberussell at 11:26 AM on April 18, 2017 [4 favorites]

I don't know if that's worse orthis thing but I was all on board for sbux until I found out it had mangoes in it, mangoes, my oldest enemy.
posted by blnkfrnk at 11:27 AM on April 18, 2017 [2 favorites]

this release about cold-brew-based mocktails

There's a new coffee shop around the corner from me that makes something they call an Irwin Bogart: espresso, tonic water, and a muddled orange peel. It's interesting, but doesn't quite reach the height of a simple Manhattan Special. They'll have cold brew on nitro starting next weekend, supposedly, which is great, but I'm sure it'll be thimble-sized and cost $6.
posted by uncleozzy at 11:35 AM on April 18, 2017 [2 favorites]

I do not understand coffee, but I extra do not understand fizzy coffee.
posted by soren_lorensen at 11:39 AM on April 18, 2017 [1 favorite]

On the one hand, Starbucks is largely responsible for the rebirth of coffee culture in the US and is the reason why you can nearly always find a GOOD coffee shop almost ANYWHERE.

On the other hand, they are also responsible for ensuring most Americans think "caramel drizzle + whip" when they hear the words "coffee shop".

And now, this... whatever the hell it is. THANKS SBUX /not
posted by caution live frogs at 11:41 AM on April 18, 2017 [2 favorites]

I'm a little bummed it's only available for five days. Is April 19-23 some sort of significant time for unicorns?

Thursday in particular is a significant time for strange flavor combinations and shifting mesmerizing colors, I think.
posted by vogon_poet at 11:48 AM on April 18, 2017 [8 favorites]

Alls I know is my religious/conservative family are going NUTS about this on Faceplace. My sister-in-law, who is practically addicted to Sbux is lamenting that she's going to have to BOYCOTT OMG because Sbux is now PROMOTING TEH GAYZ.

So I'm all for it, whatever the hell it is.
posted by cooker girl at 11:52 AM on April 18, 2017 [55 favorites]

On the one hand, Starbucks is largely responsible for the rebirth of coffee culture in the US and is the reason why you can nearly always find a GOOD coffee shop almost ANYWHERE.

In my corner of the world, Starbucks was responsible for co-opting and destroying the unique, independent coffee shops that were truly responsible for bringing back US coffee culture in the '90s. The year I graduated from university (1999) is the same year that Starbucks came into town and used predatory strong-arm tactics to close down or buy out all of my favorite campus coffee shops.

Sure, you can buy some fancy-pants coffee beverage at the grocery store now, but it's not like Starbucks didn't trample on a lot of good, honest small-town businesses to achieve that level of unavoidability.
posted by Strange Interlude at 12:01 PM on April 18, 2017 [13 favorites]

(I briefly worked for an independently-run bookstore cafe in the mid-2000s, so I may be slightly bitter about people coming in and asking for things using Starbucks' silly-assed sizing nomenclature when we were clearly not a Starbucks.)
posted by Strange Interlude at 12:04 PM on April 18, 2017 [1 favorite]

Yes, I'd like a tall Pop Rocks and Cokeaccino. Name? Er, Mikey.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 12:05 PM on April 18, 2017 [13 favorites]

This looks horrifying and also I want to drink it really badly. I contain multitudes.
posted by Stacey at 12:19 PM on April 18, 2017 [15 favorites]

Alls I know is my religious/conservative family are going NUTS about this on Faceplace. My sister-in-law, who is practically addicted to Sbux is lamenting that she's going to have to BOYCOTT OMG because Sbux is now PROMOTING TEH GAYZ.

...what?

No, really, what? Liking unicorns and bright colors is promoting gayness? I can't tell what upsets me more: the erasure of the interests of preteen girls, or the out-of-nowhere homophobia.

Each one offends me more. I pick one to be more offended by, and then the other one rises ascendant.
posted by a fiendish thingy at 12:20 PM on April 18, 2017 [30 favorites]

They're reactionary, hysterical right-wing Christians... you were expecting reason?
posted by xedrik at 12:23 PM on April 18, 2017

the bride of Dagon is their corporate mascot but this Crayola slushie is a bridge too far?
posted by prize bull octorok at 12:29 PM on April 18, 2017 [20 favorites]

For whatever it's worth to conservative Facebook relatives, a few months ago I had this unicorn milkshake . And it was amazing and I was on a sugar high for ages. But I was no more or less gay than before drinking it.

Which is to say that perhaps we bisexuals are perfectly suited to drinking unicorn drinks and I am willing to keep trying all the unicorn drinks every company wants to throw at me. For science.
posted by Stacey at 12:31 PM on April 18, 2017 [7 favorites]

the bride of Dagon is their corporate mascot

Corporate brands are the new Elder Gods, after all.
posted by Strange Interlude at 12:33 PM on April 18, 2017

It is a monstrous thing, to drink a unicorn frappuccino. Only one who has no weight to lose, and everything to gain, would commit such a crime. The coffee of a unicorn will keep you awake, even if you are an inch from death, but at a terrible price. You have drunk something pure corn syrup to save yourself, and you will have but a half-life, a cursed life, from the moment the whipped cream touches your lips.
posted by roystgnr at 12:41 PM on April 18, 2017 [42 favorites]

I am going to march into my neighborhood Starbucks, a store I have never frequented despite living within a few blocks for nigh seven years, and order this with my head held high. It will taste of jolly ranchers and sparkles and the the ashes of my dignity and it will be worth it.
posted by esoterrica at 12:59 PM on April 18, 2017 [21 favorites]

Can you liveblog it?
posted by quaking fajita at 1:09 PM on April 18, 2017 [5 favorites]

...what?

Yeah, I don't know. I've stopped asking them why they do things because their answers never actually make me understand their point of view. I guess they're equating unicorns and rainbows and everyone KNOWS the rainbow has been CO-OPTED by TEH GAYZ.

I really think they just like being mad about something at all times.
posted by cooker girl at 1:19 PM on April 18, 2017 [1 favorite]

I'm nope-ing right out of here over to the craft beer thread where I can complain about hops and merely feel curmudgeonly rather than insane.
posted by srboisvert at 1:21 PM on April 18, 2017 [4 favorites]

excuse me, I have to go into work on my day off and hug my coworkers and our manual espresso machine and our blender that isn't even plugged in because we never use it.

my dudes, if you're headed out to get one of these things, PLEASE JESUS throw a dollar in the tip jar. For the eight gaggles of teenagers that came before you who didn't. For the barista stuck on cold bar who's already had to make 200 of them. This looks like hell and a fricking half to make.

- former sbux partner #1513992
posted by floweringjudas at 1:21 PM on April 18, 2017 [19 favorites]

Man, I bet this makes your poop all kinds of fun colors.
posted by chainsofreedom at 1:33 PM on April 18, 2017 [6 favorites]

Can Starbucks please split into two chains, so those of us who want coffee can go to the Coffee Starbucks, and people who want absurd colored milkshakes can go to the Absurd Colored Milkshake store?
posted by dnash at 1:36 PM on April 18, 2017 [5 favorites]

Great, twice as many stores to choke every bloody intersection in town...
posted by Greg_Ace at 1:41 PM on April 18, 2017

liquefied unicorns

My Little Coffee (Caffeine is Magic)
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 1:51 PM on April 18, 2017 [14 favorites]

so those of us who want coffee can go to the Coffee Starbucks

Wait, what? I'm confused. They have coffee at Starbucks?

Coming soon: Starbuck's Reserve FD&C Blue No. 2 Indigotine Lake Iced Frappucino
posted by loquacious at 1:56 PM on April 18, 2017 [3 favorites]

My husband hates Starbucks for having destroyed his favorite local-indie coffeeshop chain's momentum; they were about to go national and Sbux apparently swiped their methods/recipes/something and killed their chances. (No, I don't understand the details; I mostly don't discuss Sbux w/husband.) (I have no particular love for them but appreciate being able to get a predictably decent coffee when I'm not near home.)

I have GOT to try this. Daughter and I are planning to hit the local Starbucks for lunch tomorrow, and if they don't carry it (because we're in a neighborhood that doesn't always get whatever the new specials are), we'll plan a weekend outing to go find it.

Unicorn coffee ftw. Neon pink swirl of sparkling STEALTH GAY AGENDA madness, yo. I am down for that. I mean, I was planning on this before I found out there are fundamentalists who hate it.
posted by ErisLordFreedom at 1:59 PM on April 18, 2017 [1 favorite]

Can Starbucks please split into two chains, so those of us who want coffee can go to the Coffee Starbucks, and people who want absurd colored milkshakes can go to the Absurd Colored Milkshake store?

seriously, let me enjoy my iced white chocolate java chip caramel macchiato without all these fru fru distractions
posted by prize bull octorok at 2:04 PM on April 18, 2017 [7 favorites]

I am down for that. I mean, I was planning on this before I found out there are fundamentalists who hate it.

Ehhhhh, given the choice between notionally pissing off fundamentalists by giving money to a corporate coffee monoculture, and just going to the locally-owned coffee stand across the street from my work, the latter wins every single time. Consumerism is not a political stance.
posted by Strange Interlude at 2:10 PM on April 18, 2017 [4 favorites]

It looks like Lisa Frank threw up.

Put. It. In. My. Mouth.

I want more absurd colors, more sparkles, more WHIMSY in my food.

Can you make it absurdly tiny or obscenely large?

I'll TAKE IT. I brought my own sprinkles, thank you.

(Also...has anybody else seen unicorn hot chocolate? It's only what I want to drink every day until my body calcifies into a sugary, rainbow stalagmite)
posted by Bibliogeek at 2:32 PM on April 18, 2017 [10 favorites]

The only way this could be improved would be some pretentious molecular-gastronomy-style spherification.
posted by jenkinsEar at 2:35 PM on April 18, 2017 [1 favorite]

I am going to get one of these, because I am curious, I love sour things, and I practically live at Starbucks when I'm writing. (I am also going to order it off the mobile app because I can't bring myself to look the cashier in the eye when I order it, and I am definitely going to hit the $2.00 option when the app prompts me for a tip.)
posted by Meghamora at 2:47 PM on April 18, 2017

Um unicorns are a protected class of magical creatures so I'm pretty sure this violates like a lot of laws
posted by Hermione Granger at 3:43 PM on April 18, 2017 [22 favorites]

My first thought when I saw the press release: "Oh look, that drink is in such a pretty cup!"

Then I realized it's a clear cup, and that's what the drink actually looks like. So is this literally 10 parts pink food dye: 1 part blue food dye with some whip cream and glitter thrown on top?

I'm oddly drawn to its over the top aesthetic, but I feel like most of the chemicals I work with in my lab are safer to drink than that thing.
posted by litera scripta manet at 3:43 PM on April 18, 2017 [1 favorite]

In honor of the new unicorn drink, Starbucks should redecorate all of their stores in Lisa Frank colors. And for the new artwork, they should look to this tumblr for inspiration.
posted by litera scripta manet at 3:48 PM on April 18, 2017 [2 favorites]

Um unicorns are a protected class of magical creatures so I'm pretty sure this violates like a lot of laws

This is rich from the nerd with the Time Twister just so she can study even more than everyone else!
posted by loquacious at 4:03 PM on April 18, 2017 [4 favorites]

The description says it is a blend of Pink Powder and then topped with Blue Powder.

Is that a thing now? Am I out of touch?

No, it is the children that are wrong.
posted by Lord_Pall at 4:04 PM on April 18, 2017 [7 favorites]

Simpsons quote thread is over there, L_P. ;)
posted by Greg_Ace at 4:53 PM on April 18, 2017

those of us who enjoy coffee instead of glorified milkshakes for children masquerading as coffee.

Why on earth would children pretend to be... oh.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 5:34 PM on April 18, 2017 [18 favorites]

This sounds disgusting and possibly toxic lol

Klav Kalash vendor: Mountain Dew or unicorn smoothie?
Homer: Bleaggggh. Ewwww. Yyyuccckk! I'll take the unicorn smoothie.
posted by zippy at 6:44 PM on April 18, 2017 [3 favorites]

Pretty sure it's unicorn droppings, not liquified unicorns, what make the rainbow colours.
posted by allthinky at 6:57 PM on April 18, 2017 [1 favorite]

Just looking at the unicorn frappiwhatever made my cavities ache, but that pink drink seems flipping delicious. Coconut milk and strawberries? Yes please.
posted by queen_mob at 7:22 PM on April 18, 2017

will it make my pee glow in the dark?

should I buy a geiger counter?
posted by indubitable at 7:24 PM on April 18, 2017

I had a pretty good Sumatra roast the other day from Starbucks. they still do serve coffee - even pour over if they aren't brewing decaf. /1926878
posted by jb at 7:27 PM on April 18, 2017 [1 favorite]

Overheard (really) while reading on the porch of my favorite coffee shop Saturday evening:

Him: Hey, there's a coffee shop right here!
Her: I don't want coffee, I want Starbucks.
posted by rock swoon has no past at 8:00 PM on April 18, 2017 [5 favorites]

those of us who enjoy coffee instead of glorified milkshakes for children masquerading as coffee.

Some of us like both.
posted by jeather at 8:15 PM on April 18, 2017 [6 favorites]

They artfully avoided the words liquid, fluid and surfactant in their description, though.
posted by tillermo at 9:18 PM on April 18, 2017 [1 favorite]

I like Starbucks. It's good coffee. I can go to an indie coffee shop, and do, but I never know what I'm going to get. Lately it's way too often weak light roast, because someone decided that was the true way coffee should be. So I pay $4 for something that tastes like diner coffee to me, but they assure me it's actually really good.

I'm so freakin excited about the gluten free food. I've ended up at Starbucks so many times, starving, and ended up with a banana and potato chips. Because if I'm going one place and have to choose coffee or food, I'm choosing coffee.
posted by bongo_x at 10:12 PM on April 18, 2017 [1 favorite]

They artfully avoided the words liquid, fluid and surfactant in their description, though.

Yet they still insist on calling it a "beverage".
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:15 PM on April 18, 2017

I want to order one with two straws, and when asked my name for the cup, respond with "Garyl".
posted by booksherpa at 12:53 AM on April 19, 2017 [8 favorites]

I'm nope-ing right out of here over to the craft beer thread where I can complain about hops and merely feel curmudgeonly rather than insane.

Of course, of course...dry hopped coffee. Possibly with pickleback and kombucha shots...yes, that shall be how I make my PNW millions.
posted by Jon Mitchell at 1:01 AM on April 19, 2017 [1 favorite]

"Espresso granitas had been a part of Italian coffee culture since time immemorial, traditionally served slushy and topped with whipped cream."
The History of The Frappuccino
posted by Fuzzy Monster at 3:56 AM on April 19, 2017 [4 favorites]

I want to order one with two straws, and when asked my name for the cup, respond with "Garyl".

It has already been done and I am here for it. [h/t TAZ Appreciation Group on Facebook]
posted by Rock Steady at 4:12 AM on April 19, 2017 [1 favorite]

Hell is for children. Milkshakes are for everyone.
posted by thelonius at 4:16 AM on April 19, 2017 [1 favorite]

Starbucks is a corporate monoculture, sure - and as someone who actually worked in an independent coffee shop for a long time, I'm annoyed a little by the Starbucksification of American coffee preferences, especially since I don't think their coffee's very good.

But my views on Starbucks vs. Indie became quite a lot more nuanced when I realized that as an employee, my friend who worked at Starbucks was treated a hell of a lot better than I was. No, it doesn't make Starbucks a good company, but it did make me back off of the STARBUCKS EVIL, INDIE GOOD narrative quite a bit.

And you know what, sometimes I want a dessert in a cup. It doesn't make me a child, a tasteless rube, or whatever, any more than whatever not sufficiently highbrow thing you like does the same to you.
posted by Kutsuwamushi at 6:10 AM on April 19, 2017 [9 favorites]

So Starbucks co-opted vapourwave huh?

The only surprises here is that it took this long, and Metafilter fell for it like this.
posted by jonnay at 7:51 AM on April 19, 2017

my friend who worked at Starbucks was treated a hell of a lot better than I was

I as a customer am usually treated better at Starbucks than indie places, too. No one gives a good goddamn what you order at Starbucks. Many of the indie shops I've been to, they seem to want to curate my beverage preferences as if I'm not a grown-ass woman who knows what she likes.
posted by soren_lorensen at 9:31 AM on April 19, 2017 [7 favorites]

I guess they're equating unicorns and rainbows and everyone KNOWS the rainbow has been CO-OPTED by TEH GAYZ.

Yeah, one time my friend was shopping for dishes with his stepsister, and he really liked this Southwestern pottery type set where the dinner plate, salad plate, and saucer were different solid colors. He ended up not getting it after she "explained" to him that because if you stacked the three plates together the rims would form a sort of rainbow-like pattern, it was meant to be a gay statement and he'd be turning every meal into a personal conversation about sexuality.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 12:44 PM on April 19, 2017

I ain't even playing - is there coffee in it?
posted by tristeza at 12:49 PM on April 19, 2017 [1 favorite]

You know about civet coffee?
posted by zippy at 1:12 PM on April 19, 2017 [1 favorite]

I like the WaPo headline: Starbucks’ Unicorn Frappuccino tastes like sour birthday cake and shame
posted by zachlipton at 1:25 PM on April 19, 2017 [5 favorites]

Starbucks has become the latest brand to capitalize on the social-media-famous unicorn food trend. There are unicorn noodles, lattes, toast, macarons, pancakes and Pop-Tarts. There are even “unicorn poop” cookies — a riff on a popular Internet meme that asserts that unicorns, um, excrete rainbows.

I'm just happy that everyone is over bacon-everything.
posted by GuyZero at 1:45 PM on April 19, 2017

I have tried it. It tastes like a SweeTARTS smoothie. If there's coffee in there somewhere, neither I nor my college-age daughter could identify it. (Mango-Berry-ish, with a tart aftertaste.)

We are both glad we had one and entirely uninterested in repeating the experience.
posted by ErisLordFreedom at 2:31 PM on April 19, 2017 [5 favorites]

R. Eric Thomas: The Audacity of Starbucks' Unicorn Frappuccino Is Astounding

The audacity of this beverage is astounding. I walked into my local Starbucks, saw a sign that read "Made with the finest rainbows" and just started screaming. This is a sign that exists in reality?! Not on my watch. What's the calorie count on rainbows, ma'am? I'm on a weird diet that I have no problem telling literally everyone about and so I can't just be eating any old thing. Do rainbows have lactose? This is horrifying. Call the police.

Why, in this the year of our Lord, 2017, is everything being made into a unicorn? With all that's happening in the world, why are unicorns having a moment? We as a society need to choose a narrative: are we living in a Lisa Frank catalog or a Walking Dead/House of Cards crossover?

posted by zachlipton at 3:10 PM on April 19, 2017 [1 favorite]

We as a society need to choose a narrative: are we living in a Lisa Frank catalog or a Walking Dead/House of Cards crossover?

I choose the Lisa Frank catalog, please.

(Also, this question has been addressed before.)
posted by Shmuel510 at 3:25 PM on April 19, 2017 [2 favorites]

WaPo: Really, it does not matter what candies and medicines and emotions these colored powders taste like. This drink exists only to be Instagrammed, hashtag unicorn emoji, hashtag magical.

It's not the drink we want, but it's certainly the drink we deserve.

I remember sharing things, important things - nazis? police? something about United? - but the pink and blue ambrosia coats my senses and my brain in a plastic melting daydream, making me forget, soon I will forget everything.... how blissful... the Lisa Frank landscape beckons, and I go forth, willingly...
posted by naju at 3:26 PM on April 19, 2017 [1 favorite]

Ok, I tried it, and it was bad. Not a good-bad. Just bad. It starts off tasting like pepto-bismo and sugar and ends with a tart/sugary flavor that chemically exfoliates the roof of your mouth. Please do not fall for the advertising like I did.
posted by Balna Watya at 3:30 PM on April 19, 2017 [3 favorites]

I'm holding out for Pumpkin-Spice Unicorn-Bacon Frappuccino
posted by Greg_Ace at 3:55 PM on April 19, 2017 [2 favorites]

Let us all come to grasp this truth: people are willing to pay several dollar for a drink at Starbucks solely for the purposes of photographing it. It could taste like literal shit. The taste is irrelevant.
posted by GuyZero at 3:55 PM on April 19, 2017 [2 favorites]

So far I've read comparisons to pepto-bismol, robitussin, and amoxicillin. At this point I've gone from thinking it's toxic to suspecting it could alleviate cold and flu symptoms.
posted by naju at 4:01 PM on April 19, 2017 [3 favorites]

Let me introduce you to the Boba Guys Strawberry Matcha Latte. Beautifully instagramable, yet still quite tasty. And full of balls. Unfortunately, it's not nearly as widely distributed as Starbucks.

(The only catch is that the laying is just an Instagram gimmick. They're quite clear they want you to stir the thing before drinking so it doesn't taste terrible.)
posted by zachlipton at 4:13 PM on April 19, 2017

Yeah, one time my friend was shopping for dishes with his stepsister, and he really liked this Southwestern pottery type set where the dinner plate, salad plate, and saucer were different solid colors. He ended up not getting it after she "explained" to him that because if you stacked the three plates together the rims would form a sort of rainbow-like pattern, it was meant to be a gay statement and he'd be turning every meal into a personal conversation about sexuality.

Those sound both beautiful - and a great pride statement!

where can I get them?

/loved rainbows even before I realized I was queer.
posted by jb at 5:58 PM on April 19, 2017

I am not a Starbucks fan. Given any alternative, I'll eschew Starbucks and their vile burnt coffee. Nonetheless, I convinced a dubious coworker to try the unicorn abomination with me.

Our verdict? It's good. It's good because it doesn't attempt to be coffee; it is artificial creme blended with candy. And the sweet/sour balance shifts as the magical tart granules dissolve into the faux-creme slush.

I'm going to buy another one tomorrow.
posted by ortoLANparty at 7:28 PM on April 19, 2017 [2 favorites]

It's good ... it is artificial creme blended with candy.

You keep using that word...
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:15 PM on April 19, 2017

It's like Willy Wonka and Lisa Frank had a baby, and they saved the placenta.
No, I haven't tried it.
yet
posted by zippy at 10:42 PM on April 19, 2017 [1 favorite]

Just got one. It tastes exactly like a Lisa Frank painting drizzled with the tears of Smurfs. I don't know that I'd seek it out if not for the novelty factor, but it's reasonably pleasant.
posted by Shmuel510 at 10:30 AM on April 20, 2017 [1 favorite]

Starbucks Workers Unprepared For Unicorn Frappuccino Armageddon
posted by quaking fajita at 3:56 PM on April 20, 2017

I ... liked it. A LOT.

Whew. That felt good, admitting that.
posted by theappleonatree at 1:14 AM on April 21, 2017 [2 favorites]

"I love it. I love it very much. But I love it against my better judgement." -Werner Herzog
posted by One Second Before Awakening at 11:39 AM on April 21, 2017 [1 favorite]

I enjoyed this reflection on the ephemerality of unicorns by a Starbucks employee.
posted by Copronymus at 5:20 PM on April 26, 2017 [1 favorite]