"I was right there with you, and I didn’t see that. How did you see it?"

July 28, 2023 5:17 PM

ADD, and My Photography or Where the Hell is the Leica? Sure I’ll Play Parcheesi! "All my life until that point, I was told that I was lazy, that I would be a failure in my life, that I had better buckle down and fly right and keep my nose clean. I was a troublemaker, a bad kid. I believed it after a while. I knew there was something wrong with me. No matter how much I would try to “do it” like the other kids, pay attention, take legible notes, and get my homework turned in on time, I was an utter failure at it. Except for photography. That and reading kept me alive."
posted by heatherlogan (20 comments total)

This isn't my ex, but one of my exes had a story about getting suspended/kicked out of school (if you ever saw Pump Up The Volume, apparently the kind of easy kickouts they did in that movie happened there) for "kicking a chair and swearing at it," and he never did come back after that. This gave me deja vu of that story.

One thing that made me absolutely bat shit crazy was being accused of doing something I hadn’t. Not being allowed to defend myself was an insult.

I hear ya, sir. I've been accused of things I didn't do too, but my reputation is so bad they won't listen to me.

I also suspect There Is Something Wrong With Me, but so far no therapist at my HMO I ever saw has actually agreed with that. "You're not that bad off," they say. Also I'm not even sure if I could verify that I had "symptoms" as a kid, which I guess is a requirement. The adult ladies I talk to who seem to have ADHD issues say it gets worse as you get older, which, hey, could be. I dunno, I tend to do my own thing to handle things myself, it's just others complaining about what I do (like knitting in public so I can effing sit still) and that's where the problem is, yet again. It's always "you don't act like we expect you to, and that's A Problem."
posted by jenfullmoon at 5:43 PM on July 28, 2023 [12 favorites]

There's nothing quite like being in an ADHD support group and watching a man in his 70s talk about the shame he experienced in middle school and high school with such fresh anguish it's like he lived it yesterday. I have like ADD-light and it sucks but I'm so thankful I got through school without that kind of pain and humiliation and constant emotional cattle prod moments that leave someone unable to breathe long enough to think their way past the emotions.

We failed kids constantly for decades and I'm hoping it's getting better.
posted by BrotherCaine at 6:20 PM on July 28, 2023 [16 favorites]

This makes me think of the "why would someone confess to something they didn't do" questions from people who have either never ever been in a situation or have blocked and reconfigured the memories of being in a situation where you know your only option is to figure out what you can say or do to get the least punishment, because objectively verifiable facts are not a factor. At all. Because you are at the mercy of those in authority and their view is based entirely on their own ego.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 6:34 PM on July 28, 2023 [16 favorites]

I was kind of hoping he'd mention his gear but based on some hints in the essay (street photography and Leica) I'm guessing that he uses a rangefinder. I think that might be a good choice for it person with ADHD. For people unfamiliar with focusing a range finder, it forces you to slow down and focus not just the camera but also your mind. It can be a really calming & meditative technique as it becomes second nature.
posted by Ashwagandha at 7:54 PM on July 28, 2023 [3 favorites]

The article linked from that piece that discusses the Kenya study is amazing, and validates what I've suspected for decades:

Research showed that members of the nomadic community with ADHD — those who still had to hunt for their food — were better nourished than those without ADHD. ...

The researchers also noted that unpredictable behavior — recognized as a key characteristic of ADHD — might have been helpful in protecting our ancestors against livestock raids, robberies, and more.

In essence, the traits associated with ADHD likely help more with enhancing hunter-gatherer skills than those of a settler.

Up until about 10,000 years ago, with the advent of agriculture, all human beings had to hunt and gather food in order to survive.

Nowadays, most people don’t have to worry about finding food. Instead, for most of the world, it’s a life of classrooms, jobs, and other places that have what general society deems structured codes of behavior.

In evolutionary terms, hunter-gatherers were generalists, in that they needed to know how to do a little bit of everything to survive, which required flexibility and adaptability. ...

Nomadic individuals with ADHD may have also been able to respond better to unpredictable threats likely due to novelty-seeking, resulting in exposure to various experiences and opportunities to broaden perspectives, she says.

posted by Artifice_Eternity at 8:03 PM on July 28, 2023 [7 favorites]

“You,” he said, “have all of the symptoms of Attention Deficit Disorder. How is it no one at school or your parents not realize that there was something wrong?” I had no answer for the former and didn’t want to answer the latter.

Because... just behave. Just pay attention. Just stop fidgeting. Just get organized. Just follow through. Just don't be late. Just don't forget. Just write it down. Just TRY. Just stop being the way that you are. Just just just just.
If you're still stressed and depressed, and all the self-hatred you can muster (a lot) isn't making you normal...
JUST TRY HARDER.

I think it's tough for neurotypical people to grasp what struggling with ADHD/ADD is like and how that looks in day-to-day life. (maybe they should try harder) To be fair, symptom lists are often either vague (difficulty sitting still) or stereotypical (small boy bouncing off the walls), when the actual behaviors might be unexpected or suppressed (twiddling thumbs and a bouncing leg).

Of course, ADHD does run in families. Some parents are like "well of course virtually every normal daily task is incredibly awful, that's normal. Everyone is completely drained by doing laundry. I simply have a cup of tea whenever I have to do something. By the way, sorry about regularly forgetting to pick you up after school, such is life."

Anyways.
posted by Baethan at 8:29 PM on July 28, 2023 [46 favorites]

Because... just behave. Just pay attention. Just stop fidgeting. Just get organized. Just follow through. Just don't be late. Just don't forget. Just write it down. Just TRY. Just stop being the way that you are. Just just just just.
If you're still stressed and depressed, and all the self-hatred you can muster (a lot) isn't making you normal...
JUST TRY HARDER.

In my head, I'm setting this to "Another Brick In The Wall," and... well, failing badly, but not for lack of trying. Solidarity, mate.
posted by Mayor West at 9:22 PM on July 28, 2023 [4 favorites]

I have an ADHD diagnosis and I’m going to be fired from my job on Monday. I kinda flunked out of college, but I’ve had a job every day of my life since 2001 and while I’ve had some performance issues before, I’ve always been able to bounce to the next thing before I ran out of rope. This job, I’ve been in a performance management situation for months now and I’ve felt so stupid just failing to do the totally reasonable things I needed to, that everyone else does, to just watch it slip through my fingers. With the medication shortages and the state of the health care industry post-COVID I haven’t had much luck accessing effective care. I’ve been thinking a lot about the things I’ve excelled at that have allowed me to get to this high paying job that I’m now losing, and this piece gives me some things to consider.
posted by chrchr at 9:35 PM on July 28, 2023 [17 favorites]

I’ve been in a performance management situation for months now and I’ve felt so stupid just failing to do the totally reasonable things I needed to, that everyone else does, to just watch it slip through my fingers.

Same. I just cannot for anything on this earth just shape up and behave, already. I would chop off my toes and heels to fit into these tiny shoes. I would sell my soul to the devil. I would do anything to just not be a fucking weirdo who doesn't fit the world, and has no excuse/diagnosis for doing so, and given the conversation I had with the union guy this week, it probably would do me no good to have one anyway.
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:56 PM on July 28, 2023 [12 favorites]

The psychiatrist doesn't sound great. Stopping in mid-interview and asking a question he must have known was not easily answerable by the patient.
posted by paduasoy at 11:23 PM on July 28, 2023

The psychiatrist doesn't sound great. Stopping in mid-interview and asking a question he must have known was not easily answerable by the patient.

Can't speak for the author, but I've had a very similar situation with a therapist here in the UK. That moment was one of the most helpful and validating I've ever had. Like Baethan said higher up, there's so much internalised guilt about not trying harder, about it being your own fault.

Having a professional stop you and question why nobody spotted the obvious signs that you needed help, to reframe the emphasis and responsibility onto the adults instead of yourself as a child? Couldn't answer it, but my god, it gave me an answer I hadn't even considered.
posted by MattWPBS at 2:45 AM on July 29, 2023 [14 favorites]

“just”

Once I got a diagnosis and treatment (as an adult) I told people close to me to monitor their speech for this word. Because I now give myself permission to stop listening once it crops up. I will walk away or tune out or interrupt them and flag it. No more “just”, ever.
posted by sixswitch at 3:12 AM on July 29, 2023 [14 favorites]

sixswitch Yes, I believe that anytime "just" is in play about people changing their behavior, someone is trying to ignore real difficulties.
posted by Nancy Lebovitz at 6:56 AM on July 29, 2023 [3 favorites]

→ “just”

As someone with ADHD who has also worked on assistive technology with people with physical disabilities, “just” is one of the cruellest words in the English language. I'm doing my best to remove it from my usage. I will call it out whenever I see it used that way.
posted by scruss at 10:24 AM on July 29, 2023 [7 favorites]

They didn't notice, for ever so long, because they didn't and don't care. People in charge don't see things they don't understand or that will make their jobs more complex.
Both my parents, separately, knew there was something wrong with me, and assumed it was my own fault. I was lazy. I didn't want it enough. Of course I could do it. I "just" needed to try harder.

Now I am old, and no longer alive- if I ever was. I can't say. My parents, as far as I know, are both dead. I lost contact with each of them long ago. Unsurprisingly, they lost contact with one another long before that.

My friends are all gone. Even the ones who share my or similar diagnoses have so sympathy for my disabilities, some of which are "real" enough to be recorded as official diagnoses. None of this prevents me, and millions of others, from being discarded by society and regulary "swept" from place to place as if we were debris.
posted by Rev. Irreverent Revenant at 2:48 PM on July 29, 2023 [2 favorites]

People in charge don't see things they don't understand or that will make their jobs more complex.

I don't think it'd be considered an advantage to anyone in the system to flag that Something Is Wrong. It's easier to just say that one person is wrong and they need to shape up and they're stupid and it's their fucking problem. Our world can't deal with "I AM TRYING AS HARD AS I CAN AND I STILL CAN'T BE GOOD ENOUGH AT THIS." or "I'm doing the best I can and it's still not even close to good enough."
posted by jenfullmoon at 4:35 PM on July 29, 2023 [2 favorites]

Diagnosed at 51. I genuinely thought I might have early stage dementia - always been a bit of a ditz but leaving the front door open when I went to work, or leaving the gas hob burning - more of a worry. And I was so f*cking tired all the time. Turns out it was ADHD. And that menopause can make ADHD much worse. Awesome.

I still flinch when someone comes at me with "Could do better" (or "so much potential", or the like). I do not fit. I have never fit anywhere. I'm resigned to that now.

I was not diagnosed as a child because it wasn't a thing. It certainly wasn't a thing for girls! And it wasn't a thing in my family because we were in it - Mum has it, my sister has it, and my brother, while not ADHD, is certainly on the spectrum somewhere. The Force is strong in our family.

I did get in trouble at school but by the grace of dog escaped expulsion. The usual ADHD progression - early/fantastic (cruised it), late/disastrous (lost interest). Uni I was fascinated by the subject, so I excelled (IT) - although I was a few years drifting before I went, because computers weren't a thing at school and who knew?

I am very fortunate that a) my manager is very likely also ADHD, but undiagnosed and b) we've been working together over a decade and have a solid working partnership.

I've been at my job over 20 years and I think part of the reason is that essentially, I was the first one in for this team and I shaped the processes & culture. So of course, they suit me. And the things that suit me also suit the general requirements of critical production support. Written procs for What To Do. Comprehensive information sharing. Curiosity, tenacity, systems thinking, get in there and find out and fix it. Good in a crisis ;)

It's interesting that there's a current push towards recognising the value of Different Thinkers. I wish more places could unjam their heads from their asses and see the benefits.

I have been very lucky, and there have been a couple of close calls, but in general the people around me at work value that I don't fit. They rely on my quirks and chaos energy and relentless "but WHY"s. They don't understand me, they don't always like me, I can be a "difficult" maverick - but they know what I can do and they see the results.

I do know how lucky I am, but I also know my company isn't unique (and boy howdy there are SO MANY ways it's broken). Times are changing, trends in recruitment and management thinking are changing, inclusion/diversity has a corner for us.

I know I "could do better". But I can demonstrate, with evidence, just how much value I'm bringing with my apparently sub par effort. Think bigger. Think wider. I may not have closed as many tickets as Fred or Johnny, but I did save the team 25 hours a month with this small script. I didn't just close this ticket, I fixed the root cause which means we're never getting that kind of ticket again. "Could do better" - at what? Exactly?

I'm so, so sorry for those of us stuck in places that can't, that won't, that don't get it. The places that feel threatened, not energised. I know it's usually not a matter of choice, and you can't just wave a wand and Find Somewhere Better. But those places exist, and not every workplace or manager wants to beat you down. If your job is toxic - it's not you. It's not the ADHD (or not the ADHD alone, anyway). It's them, in particular.
posted by Ilira at 1:19 AM on July 30, 2023 [13 favorites]

I feel so much compassion for those who shared upthread. Thank you for your experiences. I see a lot of the same thinking still in many neurodivergent kids … I
will try hard to help them have compassion for themselves this year. And no bullying in our spaces. The world inches toward both destruction and healing, simultaneously. It’s a dialectical mind bender.
posted by beckybakeroo at 5:49 PM on July 30, 2023 [1 favorite]

I have been following this guy for years and absolutely love his photography. Unfortunately he seems to have removed most of his social media postings. I highly recommend the subway book.
posted by caddis at 4:48 PM on July 31, 2023

I still flinch when someone comes at me with "Could do better" (or "so much potential", or the like)

So much potential is the phrase that dogged me as a child, and, once firmly wedged into my psyche, the rest of my life (which has been, in one view, a parade of "potential" unrealised). A close friend recently send me the questionnaires which a psychiatrist had used to determine her ADD diagnosis; I scored higher on them than she did, and many things became very clear. So late though. I'm over 60. Wish I'd known earlier that I wasn't just irretrievably fucked up/broken but that there was a reason for certain ways I'd failed and ways in which being impulsive fed into my social insecurities... anyway, once upon a time I was dumped, and the final blow, far worse than what went before, was being told that... I had so much potential. I stayed single for the next sixteen years. /cathartic text vomit
posted by jokeefe at 8:52 PM on July 31, 2023 [7 favorites]