Comments on: ...it is not the will of your heavenly Father that one of these little ones be lost."

...it is not the will of your heavenly Father that one of these little ones be lost."

jcterminal — Fri, 19 Jan 2007 22:53:46 -0800

Who is going to care for your pets after you are raptured into heaven? Many Christians believe that animals do not go to heaven. So when Jesus comes back and you return with him to heaven, will there be somebody to take care of your dog or cat?

That's what JesusPets is for. We are assembling a community of heathen pet-lovers to care for pets that are "left-behind." We are coordinating with feed mills and kennels in preparation for your post-apocalyptic pet care needs.

By: biscotti

biscotti — Fri, 19 Jan 2007 23:00:32 -0800

I should volunteer, since it's not really heaven if there are no animals there, and those who'd leave their pets behind shouldn't qualify to get in anyway. In the news item The End Is Really Really Near This Time aliens come and have their way with abandoned pets. It's not clear whether they are better described as Angels or Aliens but either way they like to go from planet to planet and have group sex with things. Awesome. Angels, aliens (Xenu?)...bestiality, the great equalizer.

By: peewinkle

peewinkle — Fri, 19 Jan 2007 23:01:56 -0800

This is brilliant. Not like those other guys that like to think. I mean, Wow. Let's start a franchise. Meow?

By: homunculus

homunculus — Fri, 19 Jan 2007 23:16:59 -0800

In case of rapture, this car will be unmanned. It will then recklessly careen into children at a school crossing -- killing all of them.

By: amyms

amyms — Fri, 19 Jan 2007 23:39:04 -0800

"If there are no dogs in heaven, then when I die, I want to go where they went" ~ Will Rogers

By: grapefruitmoon

grapefruitmoon — Fri, 19 Jan 2007 23:39:47 -0800

Are these guys associated with the dudes who will write letters to be delivered after the Rapture? They should pool their resources. This leaves me an image with a bunch of frazzled guys writing letters to dogs after the apocalypse, which is pretty cool.

By: roll truck roll

roll truck roll — Fri, 19 Jan 2007 23:42:11 -0800

Wow. This joke has never been done before.

By: Smart Dalek

Smart Dalek — Fri, 19 Jan 2007 23:43:23 -0800

I'll repeat it again..."We are assembling a community of heathen pet-lovers to care for pets that are 'left-behind.'" ♪♫♪♫ "Who is Joey Skaggs?"

By: homodigitalis

homodigitalis — Fri, 19 Jan 2007 23:48:13 -0800

I'll take care of your chickens and cattle ...

By: loquacious

loquacious — Fri, 19 Jan 2007 23:51:37 -0800

they like to go from planet to planet and have group sex with things. Yeah. That's The Party. It's been going on for tens and hundreds of thousands of your Earth years, pretty much as you describe, going from planet to planet having sex with things. You guys keep looking in the ground for The Missing Link, even though it came from the sky. Twenty of those years have found me stuck here on this backwater of a cattle lot, waiting either for a ride or a new tuning crystal for my Thumb, which isn't due for another 25 odd years, considering it's a molecularly symmetrical rod of beryllium-doped crystalline carbon diamondoid and you guys are still monkeying around with growing them from seeds or producing them in high pressure rams instead of picofabricators. Anyway, keep banging those rocks together, guys. So long, and sorry about the cows.

By: maryh

maryh — Sat, 20 Jan 2007 00:25:25 -0800

Okay, I'll watch over your mini-poodle retriever mix, but only if that means I can live in the boathouse behind your superlux mansion o' God. Even us souless others need a place to crash after the rapture, and do you really think the worthy will spend quality time with your crummy mutt? You need us, GoodChristians, just as you've always needed us as something to define yourselves against. And we'll be nicer to your pooches than you ever could be. We're always nicer to the souless, being among thier number ourselves. See y'all in hades.

By: localhuman

localhuman — Sat, 20 Jan 2007 01:35:56 -0800

i want to say, "double", but there's no conviction in my mouse clicks anymore. just a pallid tap.

By: bardic

bardic — Sat, 20 Jan 2007 01:43:32 -0800

Actually, pets do make it into heaven, but only if they're not gay.

By: RokkitNite

RokkitNite — Sat, 20 Jan 2007 05:16:14 -0800

Dude, all dogs go to heaven.

By: sonofslim

sonofslim — Sat, 20 Jan 2007 05:24:51 -0800

for the record, i am totally letting your dog drink out of the toilet and sleep on the couch. last laugh = all mine!

By: ZachsMind

ZachsMind — Sat, 20 Jan 2007 06:29:36 -0800

All dogs go to heaven. Christians get stuck on the Jersey turnpike for eternity. Little known religious fact. Won't the neo-cons be surprised!

By: alejo

alejo — Sat, 20 Jan 2007 06:32:31 -0800

A year or two ago there was this evangelical family that was profiled on one of the news networks, either CNN or MSNBC (I can't remember) and the pet subject did come up. The lady of the household found a website that cared for the pets of those that are raptured. She found the idea ridiculous. It seemed to me though that it bothered her because it made her beliefs seem just as ridiculous.

By: BostonJake

BostonJake — Sat, 20 Jan 2007 06:47:54 -0800

After the Apocalypse the term "Pet" will be replaced with "Food" ...Don't leave your pets with these people!!

By: bollockovnikov

bollockovnikov — Sat, 20 Jan 2007 07:21:28 -0800

I'm ready for the rapture. My pets on the other hand will have to deal with the apocalypse. Fair enough

By: Skygazer

Skygazer — Sat, 20 Jan 2007 08:05:44 -0800

Ha!

By: Secret Life of Gravy

Secret Life of Gravy — Sat, 20 Jan 2007 08:12:05 -0800

Angels or Aliens but either way they like to go from planet to planet and have group sex with things. Watch your dog when you let him or her outside to go potty. Here are the supporting scriptures: The Nephilim were on the earth in those days—and also afterward—when the sons of God went to the daughters of men and had children by them. They were the heroes of old, men of renown. - Genesis 6:2 They [(two angels)] called to Lot, "Where are the men who came to you tonight? Bring them out to us so that we can have sex with them." - Genesis 19:14 What? What? Whaaaa?! How about watering my house plants? How about protecting my house plants from alien/angel sex? Also, who is going to mow the lawn when I am gone?

By: sciurus

sciurus — Sat, 20 Jan 2007 08:13:50 -0800

God may be your co-pilot but Satan rides shotgun with me.

By: infini

infini — Sat, 20 Jan 2007 08:19:58 -0800

thank god... at last I can say all of this and still feel normal. aah, mefi.

By: papakwanz

papakwanz — Sat, 20 Jan 2007 08:43:22 -0800

I should start a company like this. After the rapture, I'll go to your house and yell at any kids who may happen to be on your lawn.

By: empyrean

empyrean — Sat, 20 Jan 2007 08:53:15 -0800

This is brilliant. Sign up now; for a low, low retainer of $500/year, you can peacefully prepare for rapture, knowing I will be there for your pet*. *Double charge for small dogs (Because I know nothing's too expensive for your little precious.)

By: Slarty Bartfast

Slarty Bartfast — Sat, 20 Jan 2007 10:43:58 -0800

I want royalties.

By: quin

quin — Sat, 20 Jan 2007 11:47:49 -0800

I better not fucking get Raptured. That would piss me and my pets off. /goes out and gets my atheistic sin on, just to be sure I'm safe

By: Devils Rancher

Devils Rancher — Sat, 20 Jan 2007 11:54:06 -0800

My two favorite bumper sticker of the last year: When the rapture comes, can I have your stuff? and Jesus is my co-pilot, and we're cruising for pussy.

By: newfers

newfers — Sat, 20 Jan 2007 11:59:07 -0800

These people are nucking futs. Absolutely nucking futs!

By: mkultra

mkultra — Sat, 20 Jan 2007 12:26:41 -0800

I'm pretty sure my cats have a better shot at that brass ring than I do. Who's gonna cuddle in my lap when the Antichrist comes? Huh?

By: taursir

taursir — Sat, 20 Jan 2007 13:12:39 -0800

I don't know, I thought those people weren't supposed to own pets, because they're earthly things. What's going on?

By: LordSludge

LordSludge — Sat, 20 Jan 2007 13:15:56 -0800

Religion: The more you think about it, the more absurd it gets. (I get the goats...)

By: Green Eyed Monster

Green Eyed Monster — Sat, 20 Jan 2007 13:19:40 -0800

Man, people are crazy. It's funny, and it also serves as an ego boost. Just when I'm having a bad day, I read something like this, and suddenly feel psychologically sound and incredibly level-headed.

By: Green Eyed Monster

Green Eyed Monster — Sat, 20 Jan 2007 13:20:57 -0800

Wait, isn't there a Bible verse about sheep going to heaven and goats going to hell? Contradictions abound.

By: Astro Zombie

Astro Zombie — Sat, 20 Jan 2007 13:32:52 -0800

I've given my pets explicit instructions to commit suicide if I am ever taken up in the rapture. I think the dog gets it, but the cat still seems a little confused,

By: quin

quin — Sat, 20 Jan 2007 15:05:50 -0800

Probably because the cat knows that the real Rapture won't come till all the useless human meat bags are out of the way. And on that glorious day, the horrible evil dogs will be smote and the cats will take their place in the heavens. Where mice are plentiful and saucers of milk litter the landscape. Your dog on the other hand, doesn't really understand, he's just hoping you will let him chase the cat around when you're gone.

By: dbarefoot

dbarefoot — Sat, 20 Jan 2007 15:19:17 -0800

Surely, that's a joke. +1 on dining on the pets that get left behind. I know a number of bull dogs who would make for good eating.

By: mr. strange

mr. strange — Sat, 20 Jan 2007 16:00:57 -0800

This is just a retard tax, right?

By: hojoki

hojoki — Sat, 20 Jan 2007 16:06:35 -0800

Heaven sounds boring.

By: Tiresias

Tiresias — Sat, 20 Jan 2007 19:34:51 -0800

I'm with you, hojoki : no dogs and you have to spend the whole time 'singing praises to the glory of God' --- so basically just sitting around in church for all eternity. No thank you. I want to hang out with the dogs and the rock stars. I will drink a lot and play with puppies. And I will be happy, in Hell.

By: It's Raining Florence Henderson

It's Raining Florence Henderson — Sun, 21 Jan 2007 11:15:25 -0800

In Case of Rapture: Good Riddance.