How To Destroy Your Thanksgiving Day, Palate and Liver in Just 8 Hours
November 10, 2020 3:48 PM Subscribe
As Thanksgiving Day approaches, there are those who will be hosting company even in this time of COVID-19, and seek a new, easy-to-prepare, fulfilling recipe for preparing a turkey and stuffing that your friends and family will enjoy. Morton Thompson's Black Turkey Recipe is, most emphatically, not that recipe.
Morton Thompson was a newspaper journalist and author active in the first half of the 20th century, and friend of humorist Robert Benchley of Harvard Lampoon/New Yorker/Vanity Fair fame.
Along the way, he invented a method of cooking a turkey that was, to say the least, unusual. The origins of the recipe were described as follows where I first encountered it, the Garnish With Beak cookbook of Usenet groups talk.bizarre, soc.bi and rec.arts.bodyart:
"This recipe was first contained in the manuscript of a book called _The Naked Countess_ which was given to the late Robert Benchley, who had eaten the turkey and was so moved as to write an introduction to the book. Benchley then lost the manuscript. He kept hoping it would turn up - although not as much perhaps as Thompson did, but somehow it vanished irretrievably. Thompson did not have the heart to write it over. He did, however, later put his turkey rule in another book. Not a cookbook, but a collection of very funny pieces called "Joe, the Wounded Tennis Player." "
As with any good legend, it changes with the retellings. There are many tales and variations and reformattings of the Thompson Method. However, I feel that a recipe of this level of magnitude of chaotic genius deserves to be presented in its original format, parentheticals by Benchley and entreaties to become horribly drunk along the way as originally intended.
THE ONLY WAY TO COOK A TURKEY!!!!!!!
This turkey is work... it requires more attention than an average six-month-old baby. There are no shortcuts, as you will see.
Get a HUGE turkey -- I don't mean just a big, big bird, but one that looks as though it gave the farmer a hard time when he did it in. It ought to weigh between 16 and 30 pounds. Have the poultryman or butcher cut its head off at the end of the neck, peel back the skin, and remove the neck close to the body, leaving the tube. You will want this for stuffing. Also, he should leave all the fat on the bird.
When you are ready to cook your bird, rub it inside and out with salt and pepper. Give it a friendly pat and set it aside. Chop the heart, gizzard, and liver and put them, with the neck, into a stewpan with a clove of garlic. a large bay leaf. 1/2 tsp coriander, and some salt. I don't know how much salt -- whatever you think. Cover this with about 5 cups of water and put on the stove to simmer. This will be the basting fluid a little later.
About this time I generally have my first drink of the day, usually a RAMOS FIZZ. I concoct it by taking the whites of four eggs, an equal amount of whipping cream, juice of half a lemon (less 1 tsp), 1/2 tsp confectioners sugar, an appropriate amount of gin, and blending with a few ice cubes. Pour about two tablespoons of club soda in a chimney glass, add the mix, with ice cubes if you prefer. Save your egg yolks, plus 1 tsp of lemon -- you'll need them later. Have a good sip! (Add dash of Orange Flower Water to the drink, not the egg yolks.)
Get a huge bowl. Throw into it one diced apple, one diced orange, a large can of crushed pineapple, the grated rind of a lemon, and three tablespoons of chopped preserved ginger. (If you like ginger, double this -- REB). Add 2 cans of drained Chinese water chestnuts.
Mix this altogether, and have another sip of your drink. Get a second, somewhat smaller bowl. Into this, measuring by teaspoons, put:
2 tsp. hot dry mustard
2 tsp. caraway seed
2 tsp. celery seed
2 tsp. poppy seed
1 tsp. black pepper
2 1/2 tsp. oregano
1/2 tsp. mace
1/2 tsp. turmeric
1/2 tsp. marjoram
1/2 tsp. savory
3/4 tsp. sage
3/4 tsp. thyme
1/4 tsp. basil
1/2 tsp. chili powder
1 tbl. poultry seasoning
4 tbl. parsley
1 tbl. salt
4 headless crushed cloves
1 well-crushed bay leaf
4 large chopped onions
6 good dashes Tabasco
5 crushed garlic cloves
6 large chopped celery
Wipe your brow, refocus your eyes, get yet another drink and a third bowl. Put in three packages of unseasoned bread crumbs (or two loaves of toast or bread crumbs), 3/4 lb. ground veal, 1/2 lb. ground fresh pork, 1/4 lb. butter, and all the fat you have been able to pull out of the bird.
About now it seems advisable to switch drinks. Martinis or stingers are recommended. (Do this at your own risk -- we always did! -- REB). Get a fourth bowl, an enormous one. Take a sip for a few minutes, wash your hands, and mix the contents of all the other bowls. Mix it well. Stuff the bird and skewer it. Put the leftover stuffing into the neck tube.
Turn your oven to 500F and get out a fifth small bowl. Make a paste consisting of those four egg yolks and lemon juice left from the Ramos Fizz. Add 1 tsp hot dry mustard, a crushed clove of garlic, 1 tbl onion juice, and enough flour to make a stiff paste. When the oven is red hot, put the bird in, breast down on the rack. Sip on your drink until the bird has begin to brown all over, then take it out and paint the bird all over with paste. Put it back in and turn the oven down to 350F. Let the paste set, then pull the bird out and paint again. Keep doing this until the paste is used up.
Add a quart of cider or white wine to the stuff that's been simmering on the stove. This is your basting fluid. The turkey must be basted every 15 minutes. Don't argue. Set your timer and keep it up. (When confronted with the choice "do I baste from the juice under the bird or do I baste with the juice from the pot on the stove?" make certain that the juice under the bird neither dries out and burns, nor becomes so thin that gravy is weak. When you run out of baste, use cheap red wine. This critter makes incredible gravy! -- REB). The bird should cook about 12 minutes per pound basting every 15 minutes. Enlist the aid of your friends and family.
As the bird cooks, it will first get a light brown, then a dark brown, then darker and darker. After about 2 hours you will think I'm crazy. The bird will be turning black. (Newcomers to black turkey will think you are demented and drunk on your butt, which if you've followed instructions, you are -- REB). In fact, by the time it is finished, it will look as though we have ruined it. Take a fork and poke at the black cindery crust.
Beneath the bird will be a gorgeous mahogany reminding one of those golden browns found in precious Rembrandts. Stick the fork too deep, and the juice will gush to the ceiling. When you take it out, ready to carve it, you will find that you do not need a knife. A loud sound will cause the bird to fall apart like the walls of that famed biblical city. The moist flesh will drive you crazy, and the stuffing -- well, there is nothing like it on this earth. You will make the gravy just like it as always done, adding the giblets and what is left of the basting fluid.
Sometime during the meal, use a moment to give thanks to Morton Thompson. There is seldom, if ever, leftover turkey when this recipe is used. If there is, you'll find that the fowl retains its moisture for a few days. That's all there is to it! It's work -- hard work -- but it's worth it.
Morton Thompson was a newspaper journalist and author active in the first half of the 20th century, and friend of humorist Robert Benchley of Harvard Lampoon/New Yorker/Vanity Fair fame.
Along the way, he invented a method of cooking a turkey that was, to say the least, unusual. The origins of the recipe were described as follows where I first encountered it, the Garnish With Beak cookbook of Usenet groups talk.bizarre, soc.bi and rec.arts.bodyart:
"This recipe was first contained in the manuscript of a book called _The Naked Countess_ which was given to the late Robert Benchley, who had eaten the turkey and was so moved as to write an introduction to the book. Benchley then lost the manuscript. He kept hoping it would turn up - although not as much perhaps as Thompson did, but somehow it vanished irretrievably. Thompson did not have the heart to write it over. He did, however, later put his turkey rule in another book. Not a cookbook, but a collection of very funny pieces called "Joe, the Wounded Tennis Player." "
As with any good legend, it changes with the retellings. There are many tales and variations and reformattings of the Thompson Method. However, I feel that a recipe of this level of magnitude of chaotic genius deserves to be presented in its original format, parentheticals by Benchley and entreaties to become horribly drunk along the way as originally intended.
THE ONLY WAY TO COOK A TURKEY!!!!!!!
This turkey is work... it requires more attention than an average six-month-old baby. There are no shortcuts, as you will see.
Get a HUGE turkey -- I don't mean just a big, big bird, but one that looks as though it gave the farmer a hard time when he did it in. It ought to weigh between 16 and 30 pounds. Have the poultryman or butcher cut its head off at the end of the neck, peel back the skin, and remove the neck close to the body, leaving the tube. You will want this for stuffing. Also, he should leave all the fat on the bird.
When you are ready to cook your bird, rub it inside and out with salt and pepper. Give it a friendly pat and set it aside. Chop the heart, gizzard, and liver and put them, with the neck, into a stewpan with a clove of garlic. a large bay leaf. 1/2 tsp coriander, and some salt. I don't know how much salt -- whatever you think. Cover this with about 5 cups of water and put on the stove to simmer. This will be the basting fluid a little later.
About this time I generally have my first drink of the day, usually a RAMOS FIZZ. I concoct it by taking the whites of four eggs, an equal amount of whipping cream, juice of half a lemon (less 1 tsp), 1/2 tsp confectioners sugar, an appropriate amount of gin, and blending with a few ice cubes. Pour about two tablespoons of club soda in a chimney glass, add the mix, with ice cubes if you prefer. Save your egg yolks, plus 1 tsp of lemon -- you'll need them later. Have a good sip! (Add dash of Orange Flower Water to the drink, not the egg yolks.)
Get a huge bowl. Throw into it one diced apple, one diced orange, a large can of crushed pineapple, the grated rind of a lemon, and three tablespoons of chopped preserved ginger. (If you like ginger, double this -- REB). Add 2 cans of drained Chinese water chestnuts.
Mix this altogether, and have another sip of your drink. Get a second, somewhat smaller bowl. Into this, measuring by teaspoons, put:
2 tsp. hot dry mustard
2 tsp. caraway seed
2 tsp. celery seed
2 tsp. poppy seed
1 tsp. black pepper
2 1/2 tsp. oregano
1/2 tsp. mace
1/2 tsp. turmeric
1/2 tsp. marjoram
1/2 tsp. savory
3/4 tsp. sage
3/4 tsp. thyme
1/4 tsp. basil
1/2 tsp. chili powder
1 tbl. poultry seasoning
4 tbl. parsley
1 tbl. salt
4 headless crushed cloves
1 well-crushed bay leaf
4 large chopped onions
6 good dashes Tabasco
5 crushed garlic cloves
6 large chopped celery
Wipe your brow, refocus your eyes, get yet another drink and a third bowl. Put in three packages of unseasoned bread crumbs (or two loaves of toast or bread crumbs), 3/4 lb. ground veal, 1/2 lb. ground fresh pork, 1/4 lb. butter, and all the fat you have been able to pull out of the bird.
About now it seems advisable to switch drinks. Martinis or stingers are recommended. (Do this at your own risk -- we always did! -- REB). Get a fourth bowl, an enormous one. Take a sip for a few minutes, wash your hands, and mix the contents of all the other bowls. Mix it well. Stuff the bird and skewer it. Put the leftover stuffing into the neck tube.
Turn your oven to 500F and get out a fifth small bowl. Make a paste consisting of those four egg yolks and lemon juice left from the Ramos Fizz. Add 1 tsp hot dry mustard, a crushed clove of garlic, 1 tbl onion juice, and enough flour to make a stiff paste. When the oven is red hot, put the bird in, breast down on the rack. Sip on your drink until the bird has begin to brown all over, then take it out and paint the bird all over with paste. Put it back in and turn the oven down to 350F. Let the paste set, then pull the bird out and paint again. Keep doing this until the paste is used up.
Add a quart of cider or white wine to the stuff that's been simmering on the stove. This is your basting fluid. The turkey must be basted every 15 minutes. Don't argue. Set your timer and keep it up. (When confronted with the choice "do I baste from the juice under the bird or do I baste with the juice from the pot on the stove?" make certain that the juice under the bird neither dries out and burns, nor becomes so thin that gravy is weak. When you run out of baste, use cheap red wine. This critter makes incredible gravy! -- REB). The bird should cook about 12 minutes per pound basting every 15 minutes. Enlist the aid of your friends and family.
As the bird cooks, it will first get a light brown, then a dark brown, then darker and darker. After about 2 hours you will think I'm crazy. The bird will be turning black. (Newcomers to black turkey will think you are demented and drunk on your butt, which if you've followed instructions, you are -- REB). In fact, by the time it is finished, it will look as though we have ruined it. Take a fork and poke at the black cindery crust.
Beneath the bird will be a gorgeous mahogany reminding one of those golden browns found in precious Rembrandts. Stick the fork too deep, and the juice will gush to the ceiling. When you take it out, ready to carve it, you will find that you do not need a knife. A loud sound will cause the bird to fall apart like the walls of that famed biblical city. The moist flesh will drive you crazy, and the stuffing -- well, there is nothing like it on this earth. You will make the gravy just like it as always done, adding the giblets and what is left of the basting fluid.
Sometime during the meal, use a moment to give thanks to Morton Thompson. There is seldom, if ever, leftover turkey when this recipe is used. If there is, you'll find that the fowl retains its moisture for a few days. That's all there is to it! It's work -- hard work -- but it's worth it.
Hush now Black Leotrotsky.
posted by benzenedream at 4:16 PM on November 10, 2020 [4 favorites]
posted by benzenedream at 4:16 PM on November 10, 2020 [4 favorites]
Remove battery from smoke detector
I need this instruction in all my recipes
posted by rouftop at 4:18 PM on November 10, 2020 [27 favorites]
I need this instruction in all my recipes
posted by rouftop at 4:18 PM on November 10, 2020 [27 favorites]
All those teensy bits of two dozen (!!!) seasonings won't add jack to that much stuffing. Cutting that list down to, say, salt/pepper/sage/onion/garlic/celery and doubling or tripling the sage and pepper amounts (and maybe doubling the salt) would get you a much better outcome.
Other than that this is a very tempting recipe...for someday when groups of people can once again share a table and a meal.
posted by Greg_Ace at 4:30 PM on November 10, 2020 [8 favorites]
Other than that this is a very tempting recipe...for someday when groups of people can once again share a table and a meal.
posted by Greg_Ace at 4:30 PM on November 10, 2020 [8 favorites]
(BTW, the "not that recipe" link in the FPP directs me to the main Chicago Tribune page instead of the article in the URL)
posted by Greg_Ace at 4:33 PM on November 10, 2020
posted by Greg_Ace at 4:33 PM on November 10, 2020
Well, that's not good. I tested it just now and it's navigating properly for me, but for those in the same boat, the article is called "An Ode to Thompson's Turkey" for Googling purposes.
posted by delfin at 4:36 PM on November 10, 2020
posted by delfin at 4:36 PM on November 10, 2020
Mod note: Not sure why it's landing the wrong place for some folks; link is also working for me, dittoing delfin on that phrase googling it up correctly. If someone figure out what's up, let me know and I can update the link.
posted by cortex (staff) at 4:37 PM on November 10, 2020
posted by cortex (staff) at 4:37 PM on November 10, 2020
Accessing from Google does the same thing. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
posted by Greg_Ace at 4:51 PM on November 10, 2020
posted by Greg_Ace at 4:51 PM on November 10, 2020
The stuffing sounds interesting, and something I'm thinking of trying with chicken instead of a whole turkey.
posted by Old'n'Busted at 4:52 PM on November 10, 2020
posted by Old'n'Busted at 4:52 PM on November 10, 2020
I might try it someday, after I've mastered spatchcocking.
posted by Halloween Jack at 5:03 PM on November 10, 2020 [3 favorites]
posted by Halloween Jack at 5:03 PM on November 10, 2020 [3 favorites]
Seconding Greg Ace's point about the teeny-tiny amounts of two dozen (!) seasonings, counting "poultry spice" as a seasoning rather than a mixture of, presumably, MSG, salt, celery seed, and so forth.
1) How does the skin get crisp and brown if it's covered by a shell?
2) What is the point of basting the shell that's going to be discarded anyway?
3) Wouldn't it make more sense to apply the herbs to the flesh of the turkey rather than have them dissolved in the stuffing?
The inside of a turkey breast - particularly one as large as this recipe calls for - will taste of turkey. Nothing else. The only way to introduce other flavours would be to inject them, or (which is much the same) pierce the flesh and poke them in. But you're not doing that: you're dissolving some flavours in a doughy sausage-y stuffing, and applying others to a hard shell which you later remove. So you're going to end up with lots of well-cooked turkey meat, plus a lot of stuffing. And the turkey meat will taste of turkey, but you can eat the stuffing with the meat if you don't like the way turkey tastes. It won't be any worse than most turkeys and I suppose the story is entertaining, which is always nice.
posted by Joe in Australia at 5:23 PM on November 10, 2020 [4 favorites]
1) How does the skin get crisp and brown if it's covered by a shell?
2) What is the point of basting the shell that's going to be discarded anyway?
3) Wouldn't it make more sense to apply the herbs to the flesh of the turkey rather than have them dissolved in the stuffing?
The inside of a turkey breast - particularly one as large as this recipe calls for - will taste of turkey. Nothing else. The only way to introduce other flavours would be to inject them, or (which is much the same) pierce the flesh and poke them in. But you're not doing that: you're dissolving some flavours in a doughy sausage-y stuffing, and applying others to a hard shell which you later remove. So you're going to end up with lots of well-cooked turkey meat, plus a lot of stuffing. And the turkey meat will taste of turkey, but you can eat the stuffing with the meat if you don't like the way turkey tastes. It won't be any worse than most turkeys and I suppose the story is entertaining, which is always nice.
posted by Joe in Australia at 5:23 PM on November 10, 2020 [4 favorites]
But damn, Turkey, Stuffing, Mashed Potatoes and Gravy sounds pretty good right now. Being the only non-vegetarian in the house, and likely not seeing the in-laws this year, makes it seem unlikely to happen...
posted by Windopaene at 5:27 PM on November 10, 2020
posted by Windopaene at 5:27 PM on November 10, 2020
Spatchcocking is great! Haven't done it with a turkey, but we've BBQd whole chickens this way. We've even made chicken on the grill this way with a brick! Brick wrapped securely in foil, BBQ grill is thoroughly heated with the wrapped brick inside. Seasoned spatchcocked chicken is put on the grill and then the hot-ass brick goes on top of it. Look it up, it really works well. I do most of the cooking in our household, but for some reason my wife decided one day she was gonna learn how to spatchcock, and she did it! So she's in charge of that odd task now, and I've never even tried to do it. She watched a video and it turned out nicely on her first try, so I don't think it's super hard necessarily. You do need a SHARP knife, but I'm keen on knife sharpening—ceramic stone and water.
Spatchcocked works really, really well on a grill.
posted by SoberHighland at 5:40 PM on November 10, 2020 [1 favorite]
Spatchcocked works really, really well on a grill.
posted by SoberHighland at 5:40 PM on November 10, 2020 [1 favorite]
I have tried several times, over the years, to make this recipe. Here are my battlefield notes:
1. The "crust" idea is a throne of lies. I tried it three times and it never did anything other than stink up the place and make a mess. Just roast it like normal but leave it unstuffed, the stuffing is too good to soak with raw turkey juice
2. Most of those seasonings don't do anything noticable, as has been commented. Just do as thou wilt, and "adjust to taste". Add infinite oregano if you want, it's just a turkey. Also I never used water chestnuts because I hate them.
3. That said, pineapple in stuffing is fucking genius and I often make this stuffing just as it's own dish,it is legit.
4. Drinking like this is gonna leave you puking when you should be eating. I suggest THC instead, in whatever form you prefer.
Cheers!
posted by The otter lady at 5:45 PM on November 10, 2020 [20 favorites]
1. The "crust" idea is a throne of lies. I tried it three times and it never did anything other than stink up the place and make a mess. Just roast it like normal but leave it unstuffed, the stuffing is too good to soak with raw turkey juice
2. Most of those seasonings don't do anything noticable, as has been commented. Just do as thou wilt, and "adjust to taste". Add infinite oregano if you want, it's just a turkey. Also I never used water chestnuts because I hate them.
3. That said, pineapple in stuffing is fucking genius and I often make this stuffing just as it's own dish,it is legit.
4. Drinking like this is gonna leave you puking when you should be eating. I suggest THC instead, in whatever form you prefer.
Cheers!
posted by The otter lady at 5:45 PM on November 10, 2020 [20 favorites]
You do need a SHARP knife
A decent pair of kitchen shears also works well (and spares that lovely edge on the knife! :) ).
posted by Greg_Ace at 5:49 PM on November 10, 2020 [3 favorites]
A decent pair of kitchen shears also works well (and spares that lovely edge on the knife! :) ).
posted by Greg_Ace at 5:49 PM on November 10, 2020 [3 favorites]
Also seconding that spatchcocked is the bomb. It's actually really easy to do with a decent set of kitchen shears. And best way to maximize crispy skin (which is honestly the best part of a roast bird)
Edit: jinx, Greg_Ace!
posted by The otter lady at 5:51 PM on November 10, 2020
Edit: jinx, Greg_Ace!
posted by The otter lady at 5:51 PM on November 10, 2020
Spatchcocking all the way! The local farm I'm getting my turkey from this year is selling a lot of half birds to people that want a smaller bird (and most people do, this year). I figure there's not much difference between cooking half a turkey and cooking a spatchcocked bird, which I've done before, so I'm all in.
posted by mollweide at 6:04 PM on November 10, 2020
posted by mollweide at 6:04 PM on November 10, 2020
... I bet T-Rex had delicious skin
posted by The otter lady at 6:10 PM on November 10, 2020 [5 favorites]
posted by The otter lady at 6:10 PM on November 10, 2020 [5 favorites]
I've cooked maybe, 18, or 20 Thanksgiving Turkeys. The kids are gone now, moved on to cities way out of my reach. But I think velociraptor has the tastier skin.
posted by valkane at 6:15 PM on November 10, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by valkane at 6:15 PM on November 10, 2020 [1 favorite]
... I bet T-Rex had delicious skin
It'd be an absolute beast to pluck, though.
posted by Greg_Ace at 6:51 PM on November 10, 2020 [3 favorites]
It'd be an absolute beast to pluck, though.
posted by Greg_Ace at 6:51 PM on November 10, 2020 [3 favorites]
I meet your spatchcocking and raise you a deboning. I typically take the turkey bones out entirely aside from the drumsticks. Then I truss the body and the thighs separately. When it comes time to carve, I have nice, neat white meat and dark meat medallions.
posted by Foam Pants at 9:06 PM on November 10, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by Foam Pants at 9:06 PM on November 10, 2020 [1 favorite]
That's a funny recipe which has another variation via beloved Canadian icon Pierre Berton's Turkey recipe. Having eaten it I can attest that the crust adds only a small amount of flavour to the finished bird and it is a lot of work but it is, however, impressive looking. While Berton's recipe makes no suggestions on what alcohol to consume or the quantity as you're making it, I don't think Pierre would object to some libations. I should probably add that he was a noted connoisseur of other types of "herbs" as well.
posted by Ashwagandha at 10:16 PM on November 10, 2020
posted by Ashwagandha at 10:16 PM on November 10, 2020
This year it's going to be just me and my spouse for Thanksgiving, and it falls on my birthday, and I hear small turkeys may be really hard to come by because people aren't having big gatherings.
Screw it, we're having jerk chicken.
posted by Foosnark at 5:04 AM on November 11, 2020 [1 favorite]
Screw it, we're having jerk chicken.
posted by Foosnark at 5:04 AM on November 11, 2020 [1 favorite]
Bob Belcher would definitely try this recipe.
posted by Pendragon at 5:23 AM on November 11, 2020 [6 favorites]
posted by Pendragon at 5:23 AM on November 11, 2020 [6 favorites]
I came across this recipe some years ago and am still not sure it’s not just an elaborate hoax. I would definitely like to try it some time, though. I have to agree with Foam Pants on the deboning. My mother deboned the turkey for Thanksgiving at her house for as long as I can remember and her turkeys always turned out amazing. Not as pretty as some, since the deboning leaves it looking somewhat deflated looking even after adding copious amounts of oyster stuffing, but they were always tender and easy to carve. In addition to making more room for stuffing, the bones are available to make stock for the gravy. Man am I getting hungry now.
posted by TedW at 5:49 AM on November 11, 2020
posted by TedW at 5:49 AM on November 11, 2020
I imagine deboning a turkey is much like deboning a chicken. I wish I was anywhere near as precise and speedy at it as Jacques Pepin.
I can heartily recommend spatchcocking, definitely use some good kitchen shears. Make sure to stuff some butter and herbs & spices under the skin for fantastic results.
If you don't care about crispy skin, Cook's Illustrated/ATK has a great recipe for a super juicy braised turkey breast.
posted by Fiberoptic Zebroid and The Hypnagogic Jerks at 7:15 AM on November 11, 2020 [4 favorites]
I can heartily recommend spatchcocking, definitely use some good kitchen shears. Make sure to stuff some butter and herbs & spices under the skin for fantastic results.
If you don't care about crispy skin, Cook's Illustrated/ATK has a great recipe for a super juicy braised turkey breast.
posted by Fiberoptic Zebroid and The Hypnagogic Jerks at 7:15 AM on November 11, 2020 [4 favorites]
The correct ratio is a 2:1 delgaze the pan : deglaze the chef. So with a 14 lb turkey..
That translates to 224 oz of turkey... now you just need a total fluid intake of 112 oz. Given a bottle of wine is 750ml, that's 26.4 imperial ounces... so slightly less than 5 bottles on Thanksgiving is an appropriate amount.
If you find yourself too drunk to finish preparing the bird, enlist help. If you are sober, clearly you had too much help.
posted by Nanukthedog at 7:37 AM on November 11, 2020 [1 favorite]
That translates to 224 oz of turkey... now you just need a total fluid intake of 112 oz. Given a bottle of wine is 750ml, that's 26.4 imperial ounces... so slightly less than 5 bottles on Thanksgiving is an appropriate amount.
If you find yourself too drunk to finish preparing the bird, enlist help. If you are sober, clearly you had too much help.
posted by Nanukthedog at 7:37 AM on November 11, 2020 [1 favorite]
My ex-husband used to make the turkey this way and it's actually wonderful. I think all the fiddly seasoning details are mainly something fun for a drinking person to engage with, and it fits in well with other "manly" recipes of the time.
posted by queensissy at 10:35 AM on November 11, 2020
posted by queensissy at 10:35 AM on November 11, 2020
I first came across mention of this recipe when I read The Time Traveler's Wife and have been deeply curious about it ever since. Being a fairly picky sort who can't stand anything spicier than the very mildest of mild salsa, and not knowing enough people to eat the size of bird that would give the farmer a hard time during execution, I suppose this recipe will have to remain the stuff of legend. *Sigh*
posted by Lizard at 7:42 AM on November 12, 2020
posted by Lizard at 7:42 AM on November 12, 2020
To address this. I'm pretty sure, long before my days cooking - long before college... one of my dad's friends brought one as a second turkey for Thanksgiving. I am only faintly remembering it at this point. I think this was in lieu of his cornbread stuffing which he made every year.
I think actually what I remember is that it was the year I did not get his cornbread stuffing, and instead had to eat a few bites of a peppery black turkey before going back to the main bird my dad cooked.
posted by Nanukthedog at 3:15 AM on November 20, 2020
I think actually what I remember is that it was the year I did not get his cornbread stuffing, and instead had to eat a few bites of a peppery black turkey before going back to the main bird my dad cooked.
posted by Nanukthedog at 3:15 AM on November 20, 2020
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posted by leotrotsky at 4:14 PM on November 10, 2020 [16 favorites]