Who are the people who matter to you? It's your weekly free thread.
January 15, 2024 12:03 AM Subscribe
Who are the friends, the people (or sometimes non-people), who really matter to you? Your bestie from a long way back? Someone you met in middle age or at a record fair? A school friend? Your partner? A relative? Your pet? A work colleague or neighbour? A digital construct? A dispenser of advice? Or talk about anything and everything in your life and your world as this is your free thread.
My table-top role playing group from school is still getting together for games and activities. We're around 50, and have a monthly gaming night (we manage 2/3 of the months on average I guess) but we also have a yearly long weekend gaming retreat which is great. We're not super-close in day-to-day life, but it's a strong sense of continuity that I appreciate.
posted by Harald74 at 1:03 AM on January 15 [5 favorites]
posted by Harald74 at 1:03 AM on January 15 [5 favorites]
I don't see my friends enough. But they are there, both those I met, when I was ten and those I met, when I was twenty. I feel lucky to have many different friends, from all walks of life and all ages.
And then there are those people you sort of follow all your life without developing an actual close friendship for various random reasons. Thursday, I was at a reception for a person I really like, but am not close with. After the reception, on the snowy street, I chatted a bit with someone I've known since we were both students, but again not really as friends. We were talking about a party I am hosting, and I said I always try to get him on the list because I really like him. And he replied "the same here" with a huge smile. It was just a little moment of sunshine in a long day, but it was there.
Meanwhile, this country is in a state of royalist insanity. I am a tiny bit caught up in it. Yesterday, the queen abdicated and the king was proclaimed by the PM from the central balcony at the parliament building. (We don't have a coronation, we are a democracy). I originally thought I would go and see the actual proclamation, but the police closed off the entire historical centre two hours before it happened, because the crowds were so huge. Some people spent the entire day standing in the cold, waiting to see a glimpse of the royals. So I saw it on TV while trying to get some work done.
Will this make a difference? I don't know. I think it might. The coalition government is built on the idea that we all need to isolate the far right, and build a more inclusive society, and the new king and queen are very good at the symbolic side of that. It was the theme of the whole event, with the king's speech and motto being all about connection and commitment -- and nothing about a specific god, though he did mention "things that are bigger than us". So maybe this is relevant to the theme of the free thread after all: the message was about friendliness.
posted by mumimor at 1:58 AM on January 15 [17 favorites]
And then there are those people you sort of follow all your life without developing an actual close friendship for various random reasons. Thursday, I was at a reception for a person I really like, but am not close with. After the reception, on the snowy street, I chatted a bit with someone I've known since we were both students, but again not really as friends. We were talking about a party I am hosting, and I said I always try to get him on the list because I really like him. And he replied "the same here" with a huge smile. It was just a little moment of sunshine in a long day, but it was there.
Meanwhile, this country is in a state of royalist insanity. I am a tiny bit caught up in it. Yesterday, the queen abdicated and the king was proclaimed by the PM from the central balcony at the parliament building. (We don't have a coronation, we are a democracy). I originally thought I would go and see the actual proclamation, but the police closed off the entire historical centre two hours before it happened, because the crowds were so huge. Some people spent the entire day standing in the cold, waiting to see a glimpse of the royals. So I saw it on TV while trying to get some work done.
Will this make a difference? I don't know. I think it might. The coalition government is built on the idea that we all need to isolate the far right, and build a more inclusive society, and the new king and queen are very good at the symbolic side of that. It was the theme of the whole event, with the king's speech and motto being all about connection and commitment -- and nothing about a specific god, though he did mention "things that are bigger than us". So maybe this is relevant to the theme of the free thread after all: the message was about friendliness.
posted by mumimor at 1:58 AM on January 15 [17 favorites]
Last year, after spending a few years mourning my lack of local friends and deliberately trying to make new ones - I made a new friend. In my 30s! A real, close, knows-all-my-secrets friend, we text every day and I love him to bits.
Honestly I didn't think I could make that kind of friend any more, so I'm equal parts delighted and terrified I'm going to fuck it up somehow.
posted by stillnocturnal at 2:19 AM on January 15 [14 favorites]
Honestly I didn't think I could make that kind of friend any more, so I'm equal parts delighted and terrified I'm going to fuck it up somehow.
posted by stillnocturnal at 2:19 AM on January 15 [14 favorites]
I don't really have any close friends. Not in a bad way, I have three kids which keeps me busy and I moved internationally several times prior to having kids which kind of made things difficult. Now I am mostly settled and have some buddies from work and around, but we aren't like ride or die or anything. To be honest, I am mostly happy this way. I like to do my own thing and even my hobbies (first and foremost, running) are things I enjoy doing alone. Also, I am pretty financially conservative and everyone I know is totally yolo, so I am fairly uncomfortable whenever I should hang out because I worry about the future and people just either not considering their dotage or just not caring scares me.
I don't know, I think I will make new friends when my kids grow up more (I'm not really worried about being older and making new friends), but for the time being I am busy and frugal and am happy to have some friendly acquaintances I can meet here and there without feeling like obligated to exchange secrets or anything. Plus there are you all ;).
posted by Literaryhero at 2:41 AM on January 15 [8 favorites]
I don't know, I think I will make new friends when my kids grow up more (I'm not really worried about being older and making new friends), but for the time being I am busy and frugal and am happy to have some friendly acquaintances I can meet here and there without feeling like obligated to exchange secrets or anything. Plus there are you all ;).
posted by Literaryhero at 2:41 AM on January 15 [8 favorites]
My wife-partner-friend is a photographer and (as the school doesn't do it) every couple years she took pictures of the kids in our kids' classes. Our oldest's class mostly stuck together, probably a core of a dozen kids, and to look through the pictures, see the development of these kids is in all directions, profound. Temporally, emotionally, intellectually. I think it is what affected me most about "Boyhood" (which on the one hand as narrative was a bit of a flop but as an artifact was remarkable and (to me) glorious) - the portrayal of a stretch of time. And how that is such a purely human construct. Which then, of course, makes me wonder if it really is? What about parrots? They have amazingly complex, social lives and who is to say they don't also have a concept of time similar to ours? One marked by loss and loves and journeys and achievements - a sense of oneself in a bubble of the world.
Germany is freaking out (reasonably) by the latest political shenanigans of the AfD - think MAGA times 1.5(?) actually they are not much more insane but for a country as staid and with this history (as a friend put it, "that we carry around with us like the moral equivalent of an entire geologic layer") to suggest that they want to kick out people with "Immigration roots/affiliation/history," and not just immigrants but also German citizens whose parents/grandparents immigrated. It's wild - wild enough that there have been calls to ban them as a party, seeing as their actions and proposals go contrary to the country's Constitution (in spirit where not explicitly in letter). The Friday's For Future people protested at the Bundestag last Friday and there were other mass demos throughout Germany. The saddest part of the AfD is they have no real point, no real political objective or reason for being, they're just riling people up to curry political favor. It's depraved and corrosive.
posted by From Bklyn at 2:50 AM on January 15 [7 favorites]
Germany is freaking out (reasonably) by the latest political shenanigans of the AfD - think MAGA times 1.5(?) actually they are not much more insane but for a country as staid and with this history (as a friend put it, "that we carry around with us like the moral equivalent of an entire geologic layer") to suggest that they want to kick out people with "Immigration roots/affiliation/history," and not just immigrants but also German citizens whose parents/grandparents immigrated. It's wild - wild enough that there have been calls to ban them as a party, seeing as their actions and proposals go contrary to the country's Constitution (in spirit where not explicitly in letter). The Friday's For Future people protested at the Bundestag last Friday and there were other mass demos throughout Germany. The saddest part of the AfD is they have no real point, no real political objective or reason for being, they're just riling people up to curry political favor. It's depraved and corrosive.
posted by From Bklyn at 2:50 AM on January 15 [7 favorites]
MetaFilter peeps are not my closest friends but many of y'all are dear to me even though we have never met. I met one of my best buddies at a MF meet-up in Stockholm after I moved here (again) six years ago. And while I never see him these days, I care deeply about the Mefite who introduced me to the blue. But I am trying to make new friends and build community, as some of you may recall. On Saturday, I hosted the fourth meet-up for queer, trans, and non-binary women in this area. It was on a different day and at a different time, but eight other gals showed up and it was awesome. One young woman brought a big stack of novels written in English; all featured lesbian main characters. She invited us to borrow any of them for an unlimited period. I took two and am more than halfway through the first one, which includes dragons and a murderous queen.
One of the women moved here just a year ago and talked about all the different things she had done and was doing to make friends. Mostly, she wanted a place where she could just hang out and talk with people. That is what this group is. We just sit at a cafe and talk. When I started this group, I had no idea if anyone else would show up. There were just three of us the first time and the other two folks did not volunteer information; it was excruciating! But I stuck with it and it seems to be paying off.
I'm not buddies with any of the folks, at least not yet. But things look promising. In the face of all the shitty developments and nightmarish current events across the global, it is a pleasure to sit with these folks for 90 minutes or so discussing books, games, gardening, pets (one couple brings their adorable lab to the cafe), just whatever.
I love these threads, even when I don't participate. Thanks for your service, Wordshore!
posted by Bella Donna at 2:58 AM on January 15 [24 favorites]
One of the women moved here just a year ago and talked about all the different things she had done and was doing to make friends. Mostly, she wanted a place where she could just hang out and talk with people. That is what this group is. We just sit at a cafe and talk. When I started this group, I had no idea if anyone else would show up. There were just three of us the first time and the other two folks did not volunteer information; it was excruciating! But I stuck with it and it seems to be paying off.
I'm not buddies with any of the folks, at least not yet. But things look promising. In the face of all the shitty developments and nightmarish current events across the global, it is a pleasure to sit with these folks for 90 minutes or so discussing books, games, gardening, pets (one couple brings their adorable lab to the cafe), just whatever.
I love these threads, even when I don't participate. Thanks for your service, Wordshore!
posted by Bella Donna at 2:58 AM on January 15 [24 favorites]
This week I have Covid, and I'm reminded of the kindness of my friends and neighbors, who are helping me now, but who also helped me through a two-month recovery from surgery a few years back. Now they are texting and calling to make sure I'm okay and dropping things off at my door. After surgery, it was flowers, gifts, visits, groceries, taking out the trash, bringing up packages to the third floor, and anything I couldn't do for myself. When I was in college, we used to define a reliable friend as someone who would help you move. Now in my 60s, I think of a solid friend as one who would volunteer to wait over and hour in line at CVS for my prescription. I am so lucky to have them in my life.
posted by pangolin party at 3:41 AM on January 15 [10 favorites]
posted by pangolin party at 3:41 AM on January 15 [10 favorites]
I took two and am more than halfway through the first one, which includes dragons and a murderous queen.
Title pls!
posted by Literaryhero at 3:43 AM on January 15 [4 favorites]
Title pls!
posted by Literaryhero at 3:43 AM on January 15 [4 favorites]
I consider myself lucky to have a lot of good friends. I met the person I call my best friend when we were 16 and now we're in our 40s. In two days, I'm getting on a plane and flying to the frozen Midwest to attend funeral services for the mother of a friend I consider one of my chosen siblings, who's been my friend since early college.
My good friends live across the country and the world. It's so wonderful to see them whenever the circumstances make it possible, even during hard times.
posted by wicked_sassy at 4:49 AM on January 15 [4 favorites]
My good friends live across the country and the world. It's so wonderful to see them whenever the circumstances make it possible, even during hard times.
posted by wicked_sassy at 4:49 AM on January 15 [4 favorites]
My wife is, of course, at the top of the Important People To Me list; as I mentioned in the last free thread, she made a huge trust-violating mistake, which I'm still processing, but it doesn't feel like a relationship ending mistake -- so that's my dilemma, doubting someone I've spent so many years trusting.
Like others, I'm an older person that doesn't have many friends. When I look at my inlaws, they've always had a large circle of friends, well into their 70s, they were always going out to dinner with someone or playing cards at someone's house or any number of things. I say 'were' because their health is declining, their friends are dying, and losing that important part of their lives is a stress on them. My wife has a good sized circle of friends, largely through the antique dealer community and art community, but I don't know that many are very close. She's hung out with some of them so at least she's ahead of me in making or keeping friends as you age.
I am sort of concerned about my dad in this way; mom died in 2020, his mother (who he bought groceries for, helped around the house, and had lunch with her every Sunday) passed away this past Christmas, and they were pretty much the main people he spent his time with. I've mentioned him before and how he seems to like puttering around the house doing his own thing, but I think he'd be better off having more people around. My family is the next most close to him and I need to find more time to spend with him.
As far as myself, I've lucked into a way to make friends by deciding to go back to college. I knew one of my professors before going back to school and we've gotten closer since; I feared making connections with people 30 years younger than me but that's been happening naturally; and through channels I got onto the jury for a film festival and the Facebook friend requests came in there too.
So, now my worry is: how do I be a friend back? Like, a bad habit I don't recognize is the moment is someone will go "Hey Azrael, how's your weekend?" and I'll give the kind of distant vague answer I'd give a customer making smalltalk on the phone, but then I don't ask them back. My friendship skills have atrophied, replaced with polite distance that the corporate world has foisted on me. As with everything about college, this time of my life is apparently about learning, but not in the way I expected.
Tiny school update:
16mm Film is fine -- learning how the cameras work, how to load the film; we're using Bolex H16 cameras which hold less than 5min of film and run on a clockwork spring-powered system, wind it up and you get 30 seconds of shooting time. Our first project will be an experimental film with non-sync audio; the visual and audio are combined to express a feeling, not show a chronological event.
Animation: we're working on flipbooks, learning about keyframes and inbetweens, and my biggest frustration is making my hand make the pencil do the thing I see in my head. I am amused that despite how intertwined the Film and Animation departments are, Film is very centered around Mac hardware, Animation is tied to Windows, so I may have to carry around two laptops on Wednesdays so make sure I'm properly equipped.
posted by AzraelBrown at 4:59 AM on January 15 [10 favorites]
Like others, I'm an older person that doesn't have many friends. When I look at my inlaws, they've always had a large circle of friends, well into their 70s, they were always going out to dinner with someone or playing cards at someone's house or any number of things. I say 'were' because their health is declining, their friends are dying, and losing that important part of their lives is a stress on them. My wife has a good sized circle of friends, largely through the antique dealer community and art community, but I don't know that many are very close. She's hung out with some of them so at least she's ahead of me in making or keeping friends as you age.
I am sort of concerned about my dad in this way; mom died in 2020, his mother (who he bought groceries for, helped around the house, and had lunch with her every Sunday) passed away this past Christmas, and they were pretty much the main people he spent his time with. I've mentioned him before and how he seems to like puttering around the house doing his own thing, but I think he'd be better off having more people around. My family is the next most close to him and I need to find more time to spend with him.
As far as myself, I've lucked into a way to make friends by deciding to go back to college. I knew one of my professors before going back to school and we've gotten closer since; I feared making connections with people 30 years younger than me but that's been happening naturally; and through channels I got onto the jury for a film festival and the Facebook friend requests came in there too.
So, now my worry is: how do I be a friend back? Like, a bad habit I don't recognize is the moment is someone will go "Hey Azrael, how's your weekend?" and I'll give the kind of distant vague answer I'd give a customer making smalltalk on the phone, but then I don't ask them back. My friendship skills have atrophied, replaced with polite distance that the corporate world has foisted on me. As with everything about college, this time of my life is apparently about learning, but not in the way I expected.
Tiny school update:
16mm Film is fine -- learning how the cameras work, how to load the film; we're using Bolex H16 cameras which hold less than 5min of film and run on a clockwork spring-powered system, wind it up and you get 30 seconds of shooting time. Our first project will be an experimental film with non-sync audio; the visual and audio are combined to express a feeling, not show a chronological event.
Animation: we're working on flipbooks, learning about keyframes and inbetweens, and my biggest frustration is making my hand make the pencil do the thing I see in my head. I am amused that despite how intertwined the Film and Animation departments are, Film is very centered around Mac hardware, Animation is tied to Windows, so I may have to carry around two laptops on Wednesdays so make sure I'm properly equipped.
posted by AzraelBrown at 4:59 AM on January 15 [10 favorites]
...I am not going to discuss details just yet, since it's early days, but I FINALLY got a job. And it's gonna be real good.
Even better - they don't need me to start for two more weeks yet; and the play I'm doing ends two days before the job starts, so THAT'S not an overlap; I was worried about that. I also spoke to my case manager with the NYS department of Labor to ask "now what" and she said that I was still eligible to continue collecting unemployment during these next two weeks until the job starts.
So for these next two weeks, save for two or three job-prep things like filling out the odd pre-screening form or doing the odd drug test, I am totally free to be idle during the day and galivant around New York going to museums or trying out new restaurants, or staying home in my underwear, before popping over to a theater in Midtown to oversee an hour-long play and then popping back home - and I have enough money to FUND all of that.
I MAJORLY LUCKED OUT, y'all.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:10 AM on January 15 [46 favorites]
Even better - they don't need me to start for two more weeks yet; and the play I'm doing ends two days before the job starts, so THAT'S not an overlap; I was worried about that. I also spoke to my case manager with the NYS department of Labor to ask "now what" and she said that I was still eligible to continue collecting unemployment during these next two weeks until the job starts.
So for these next two weeks, save for two or three job-prep things like filling out the odd pre-screening form or doing the odd drug test, I am totally free to be idle during the day and galivant around New York going to museums or trying out new restaurants, or staying home in my underwear, before popping over to a theater in Midtown to oversee an hour-long play and then popping back home - and I have enough money to FUND all of that.
I MAJORLY LUCKED OUT, y'all.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:10 AM on January 15 [46 favorites]
My housemate is my best friend. Our relationship is so strange, we are such different people but we work well together. We met at the now long-deceased Neo nightclub back in 2008 or so, and just kind of fell into being friends. We never dated, although it’s kind of moot at this point. Platonic life partners now. We certainly act like an old married couple.
No idea how it happened really. I’m not much of a friend making person, so to have it happen by accident, in such a wonderful and deep way, feels a bit mystical.
posted by notoriety public at 5:23 AM on January 15 [9 favorites]
No idea how it happened really. I’m not much of a friend making person, so to have it happen by accident, in such a wonderful and deep way, feels a bit mystical.
posted by notoriety public at 5:23 AM on January 15 [9 favorites]
Almost all of my social interaction except for co-workers is now online. I am still in regular contact with my friend group from high school, and we've stayed in one another's lives pretty consistently for the last 40 years, but only get together as a group maybe once a year. I have a private group on Facebook which has brought together old friends, people I met during The Blogging Years, a couple of FOAFs who fit in with the vibe of the crowd, and some extended family members, and that is who I spend most of my time "talking" to online. Most of the time, I am perfectly okay with the online nature of my relationships, but only having my wie and daughter for in-person companionship feels limiting.
posted by briank at 5:51 AM on January 15 [4 favorites]
posted by briank at 5:51 AM on January 15 [4 favorites]
Like others, I'm an older person that doesn't have many friends.... So, now my worry is: how do I be a friend back? Like, a bad habit I don't recognize is the moment is someone will go "Hey Azrael, how's your weekend?" and I'll give the kind of distant vague answer I'd give a customer making smalltalk on the phone, but then I don't ask them back. My friendship skills have atrophied, replaced with polite distance that the corporate world has foisted on me.
I really feel this comment. Two years ago, I had what I thought was a really solid circle of friends, mostly people I worked with where we had spent a lot of time together in the field, socialized all the time, met each other's partners, shared life details... you know, all those typical friend things. And then I changed jobs, and all but a couple of those work friends faded away. We're still on friendly terms, still check in once in a while, but it turned out that these were really work-specific relationships that also would have faded if someone retired, quit, or whatever.
So now I'm recognizing that my social circle is too small and I need to rebuild that, but hopefully in a way that is more durable rather than tied to work. This year I am hoping to approach that need somewhat intentionally, to try and find and expand on social contacts and friendships to create a wider circle of people with whom to meet up for lunch or a hike more often and over time build deeper connections.
posted by Dip Flash at 6:28 AM on January 15 [5 favorites]
I really feel this comment. Two years ago, I had what I thought was a really solid circle of friends, mostly people I worked with where we had spent a lot of time together in the field, socialized all the time, met each other's partners, shared life details... you know, all those typical friend things. And then I changed jobs, and all but a couple of those work friends faded away. We're still on friendly terms, still check in once in a while, but it turned out that these were really work-specific relationships that also would have faded if someone retired, quit, or whatever.
So now I'm recognizing that my social circle is too small and I need to rebuild that, but hopefully in a way that is more durable rather than tied to work. This year I am hoping to approach that need somewhat intentionally, to try and find and expand on social contacts and friendships to create a wider circle of people with whom to meet up for lunch or a hike more often and over time build deeper connections.
posted by Dip Flash at 6:28 AM on January 15 [5 favorites]
butts.
posted by bombastic lowercase pronouncements at 6:47 AM on January 15 [5 favorites]
posted by bombastic lowercase pronouncements at 6:47 AM on January 15 [5 favorites]
I’m kind of awed by your commitment to the bit, bombastic lowercase pronouncements.
posted by Bella Donna at 7:09 AM on January 15 [13 favorites]
posted by Bella Donna at 7:09 AM on January 15 [13 favorites]
And this is when Karalynn Dunton opens the trenchcoat and says a pile of hams fall out [slyt]
posted by otherchaz at 7:22 AM on January 15 [1 favorite]
posted by otherchaz at 7:22 AM on January 15 [1 favorite]
Oh man. Friends.
The one I met at a women's college at a cast party after I performed as Aristotlte (with fake beard) in an experimental, radical feminist one-act play about the Trojan War and Literary Theory (I think). We are still friends. (I was in her wedding).
The one I met because my father started dating his sister's high school best friend (in their fifties). Her son was dating a French-speaking poet recently self-exiled to the East Coast. We got set up on a blind friend date because theoretically we were going to start a literary magazine. That failed. We are still friends. (I was in her wedding as well).
The one I met because my high school best friend's boyfriend started a band with a younger guitar player who started dating a younger girl , and somehow almost three decades, multiple bands, several Ivy League schools, and a variety of under-utilized graduate degrees later, and almost* everyone else kinda fucked off, but the girl and I are still best friends.
*The one who was the bass player in one of the bands with the younger guitar player (I was in his wedding). We are still friends.
The one who was, hands down, one of the worst roommates I ever had. I asked her to move out and two weeks later she took me to lunch and we've been friends ever since. The one whose semi-elaborate Halloween costume became my fire screen (literal). The one who painted my dresser . The one who had good shoes move-in day freshman year of college. The one who traded me a copy of French Vogue for a camel light in college. The one who liked extreme ride-alongs to remote thrift stores. The one who failed college physics with me because we got drunk and argued about modernist poetry instead. The one who I've known since I was three and yet it's like no time has passed when we're together. The ones I befriended at a horse race (literal), when none of us knew exactly what to do with ourselves there. The one who hired me as a ghost writer. The one who wanted to collaborate on a sci-fi novel. The one I worked for. The one I went to high school with, but ended up moving across the street from me twenty-five years later. The one who looked at me in a night club bathroom and noted that we had the same gap between our front teeth. Etc. Etc.
I have, I think, a lot of friends. I am enormously grateful to have them in my life. And I've had a lot of them in my life for decades, despite the fact the some of the closest of them, don't live anywhere near me and haven't in years (Covid was weirdly good for getting a bunch of us together for weekly hangs--every Friday 5:30-10, drop in/drop out) They are like my family. They are my family. And like family, friendships are not easy. I am not always an easy friend (I think I ve been kind of a weird, anxious, depressed nightmare recently). It takes effort to show up for people and to be there when they need you. It can be scary to put yourself out there, sometimes even more scary than dating. It is harder to make close friends as you get older. But not impossible. There are people in my life that I'm really close to that I have become close to in my 40s. I do think, as you get older, you have to be willing to say yes to things, even when it's infinitely easier to say no. Friendship is not passive. It's not just hitting a like button. I think it's easy to fall into that and I've lost friendships that way. Hanging out doesn't have to be a formal thing either. We all have our own metrics. I find that my closest friends are people you can run errands with and it still ends up being pretty fun.
I don't think I would have survived the last five years without my friends. And I'm still excited about meeting new people. It doesn't always happen, but every time I go do a thing, I think I might meet somebody who might make my life that much richer or less lonely or more adventurous.I can't think of anything better.
posted by thivaia at 7:27 AM on January 15 [12 favorites]
The one I met at a women's college at a cast party after I performed as Aristotlte (with fake beard) in an experimental, radical feminist one-act play about the Trojan War and Literary Theory (I think). We are still friends. (I was in her wedding).
The one I met because my father started dating his sister's high school best friend (in their fifties). Her son was dating a French-speaking poet recently self-exiled to the East Coast. We got set up on a blind friend date because theoretically we were going to start a literary magazine. That failed. We are still friends. (I was in her wedding as well).
The one I met because my high school best friend's boyfriend started a band with a younger guitar player who started dating a younger girl , and somehow almost three decades, multiple bands, several Ivy League schools, and a variety of under-utilized graduate degrees later, and almost* everyone else kinda fucked off, but the girl and I are still best friends.
*The one who was the bass player in one of the bands with the younger guitar player (I was in his wedding). We are still friends.
The one who was, hands down, one of the worst roommates I ever had. I asked her to move out and two weeks later she took me to lunch and we've been friends ever since. The one whose semi-elaborate Halloween costume became my fire screen (literal). The one who painted my dresser . The one who had good shoes move-in day freshman year of college. The one who traded me a copy of French Vogue for a camel light in college. The one who liked extreme ride-alongs to remote thrift stores. The one who failed college physics with me because we got drunk and argued about modernist poetry instead. The one who I've known since I was three and yet it's like no time has passed when we're together. The ones I befriended at a horse race (literal), when none of us knew exactly what to do with ourselves there. The one who hired me as a ghost writer. The one who wanted to collaborate on a sci-fi novel. The one I worked for. The one I went to high school with, but ended up moving across the street from me twenty-five years later. The one who looked at me in a night club bathroom and noted that we had the same gap between our front teeth. Etc. Etc.
I have, I think, a lot of friends. I am enormously grateful to have them in my life. And I've had a lot of them in my life for decades, despite the fact the some of the closest of them, don't live anywhere near me and haven't in years (Covid was weirdly good for getting a bunch of us together for weekly hangs--every Friday 5:30-10, drop in/drop out) They are like my family. They are my family. And like family, friendships are not easy. I am not always an easy friend (I think I ve been kind of a weird, anxious, depressed nightmare recently). It takes effort to show up for people and to be there when they need you. It can be scary to put yourself out there, sometimes even more scary than dating. It is harder to make close friends as you get older. But not impossible. There are people in my life that I'm really close to that I have become close to in my 40s. I do think, as you get older, you have to be willing to say yes to things, even when it's infinitely easier to say no. Friendship is not passive. It's not just hitting a like button. I think it's easy to fall into that and I've lost friendships that way. Hanging out doesn't have to be a formal thing either. We all have our own metrics. I find that my closest friends are people you can run errands with and it still ends up being pretty fun.
I don't think I would have survived the last five years without my friends. And I'm still excited about meeting new people. It doesn't always happen, but every time I go do a thing, I think I might meet somebody who might make my life that much richer or less lonely or more adventurous.I can't think of anything better.
posted by thivaia at 7:27 AM on January 15 [12 favorites]
My wife and I have been Best Buds (amongst other things) for over four decades now. Outside of that, I can be sociable (but I don't socialize) and friendly (yet I have no friends). Some acquired talents from decades in the bar business. And yes, I live under a rock...
posted by jim in austin at 7:36 AM on January 15 [5 favorites]
posted by jim in austin at 7:36 AM on January 15 [5 favorites]
Oh, and because we're talking about friends. I'll also mention that I'm feeling pretty secure in my friendship with my furry new roommates. And yes, I've only said this so I can link to gratuitous fluffy kitten pics.
posted by thivaia at 7:43 AM on January 15 [12 favorites]
posted by thivaia at 7:43 AM on January 15 [12 favorites]
A timely topic. We had to say goodbye to our baby Herbert yesterday. It was very peaceful, for which I'm grateful. He will be missed, he was our Love Bug
posted by supermedusa at 7:56 AM on January 15 [12 favorites]
posted by supermedusa at 7:56 AM on January 15 [12 favorites]
the timing of this thread.. last night I phoned someone I don't really know, he's a brother of a childhood friend who died as a young adult, and I'd been back to visit his parents after being away for over 30 years. The mom reached out to let me know her youngest had moved across the country to teach, is about 2 hours away from me, and it looks like we'll meet up by the end of the month. So I knew his brother (the eldest) as kids, we barely stayed in touch as young adults, then he died in an auto accident one night and I think about him and I'm about to meet his brother.
posted by elkevelvet at 8:27 AM on January 15 [8 favorites]
posted by elkevelvet at 8:27 AM on January 15 [8 favorites]
I have friends ranging from age 22 to 73. I actually hung out with the youngest bunch yesterday and then went to hang out with one of the oldest ones right after that, all on the same day. And I will note that people have been really nice to me regarding all of my work drama over the last few months, which is great.
And then there's the one friend who has..not. I am still feeling shitty about how I blew things up with a friend right before Christmas. I had my reasons and they did super hurt my feelings, albeit it probably would have been better had I said something in person or closer to when it happened. And god knows I wasn't sane at the time when I did it, either. My therapist said I was doing the best I could at the time and in the moment I felt like it was the right thing to do, there wasn't any right or wrong way. I really wanted an apology, but I didn't feel like I could ask for that. They are a clueless person in some respects and probably didn't mean to hurt my feelings, but also if that's how they truly feel, then maybe I shouldn't make them lie. And when I was in the outpatient program I talked to a guy over there who said I had conflicting feelings and desires as to what I wanted to do in the moment, which is very true. I wasn't entirely sure what I wanted from doing it other than trying to figure out what to do to make it stop bothering me so much, and if I'd just waited a few weeks instead of being all "I have to do this before Christmas so they don't feel obligated to give me a gift" about it, I would have have gotten better insights into the situation. But I feel like I behaved like an asshole, and even if this was because they did something one-off asshole-y, that's not normally how I behave, and I feel bad that I was a jerk. And while I won't be seeing them in person again for probably several months (that was also a factor on my timing), it'll be weird to have to avoid them in group situations from now on, and I haven't broken the news to any of our mutual friends that I dynamited it into oblivion either. That will be...uncomfortable. I wish there was a way to make this less bad or finish nicer or heal or get an apology or just not be awful, but frankly, I can't think of anything and I should keep my mouth shut because I did enough damage.
Meanwhile, I "liked" a post of theirs (why?!) and actually wrote an email to their mother yesterday--clearly I wasn't thinking on that, it had nothing to do with them, I've been on her newsletter since before meeting the friend and it was a one-off "your newsletter amuses me" comment and I've sent those things to her before--but I probably shouldn't have done that either. So, ugh, clearly I am still crazy.
============
I'm going to write about some woo right now, so please bear with me. Now, I am not Catholic by my own definition. My dad got raised Catholic but was never into the religion as far as I ever saw (he seems to have disowned it once they hit him up for money), my mother got raised Methodist and liked it, on the rare times we went to church it was always the Methodist one. I got baptized Catholic to stop my Catholic grandma from crying (funny story: my mother tried to sneak around and get her Methodist minister uncle to re-baptize me, he said no) and that's IT. I have never felt simpatico with Catholicism and am a pagan-y flexible religion person at heart.
BUT: awhile back I was introduced to the concept of praying to St. Anthony for lost items, and seriously, almost all of the time that's worked. I lost two items that never turned up years ago, but most of the time when I've asked, they turned up. I've had lost packages turn up in the mail. I've been asking for friends' lost stuff and all of that has turned up. I'm really impressed. (I also note that St. Francis has done a pretty good job of finding lost animals when I've asked for other people's pets. I have three verified times where someone's pet turned up within 30 min to a day, and I've seen "LOST PET" posters go down quickly after I put a word in. Not all the time, maybe the pet's died, but still a pretty good track record.) Because most of the time in life, prayer to whoever gets a whole lot of crickets and nothing. I don't really know what the difference is between saints or how that whole thing works, but it's nice to actually feel like someone up above cares and does something.
Anyway: upon doing further research, St. A also helps out with other situations besides lost objects, such as jobs, so I've decided to investigate asking for other things. I put in a plea for help with my job mess over the weekend (1. get the paperwork I need, 2. keep my job until I can get another, 3. get another job that I fit in better at...that'll take awhile), and I asked on behalf of a friend that she get a new caseworker since hers is shitty and seems to have quit/disappeared months ago. I'll be curious to see if she ever hears from the organization once people go back to work tomorrow. Maybe I will ask for other things too.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:34 AM on January 15 [6 favorites]
And then there's the one friend who has..not. I am still feeling shitty about how I blew things up with a friend right before Christmas. I had my reasons and they did super hurt my feelings, albeit it probably would have been better had I said something in person or closer to when it happened. And god knows I wasn't sane at the time when I did it, either. My therapist said I was doing the best I could at the time and in the moment I felt like it was the right thing to do, there wasn't any right or wrong way. I really wanted an apology, but I didn't feel like I could ask for that. They are a clueless person in some respects and probably didn't mean to hurt my feelings, but also if that's how they truly feel, then maybe I shouldn't make them lie. And when I was in the outpatient program I talked to a guy over there who said I had conflicting feelings and desires as to what I wanted to do in the moment, which is very true. I wasn't entirely sure what I wanted from doing it other than trying to figure out what to do to make it stop bothering me so much, and if I'd just waited a few weeks instead of being all "I have to do this before Christmas so they don't feel obligated to give me a gift" about it, I would have have gotten better insights into the situation. But I feel like I behaved like an asshole, and even if this was because they did something one-off asshole-y, that's not normally how I behave, and I feel bad that I was a jerk. And while I won't be seeing them in person again for probably several months (that was also a factor on my timing), it'll be weird to have to avoid them in group situations from now on, and I haven't broken the news to any of our mutual friends that I dynamited it into oblivion either. That will be...uncomfortable. I wish there was a way to make this less bad or finish nicer or heal or get an apology or just not be awful, but frankly, I can't think of anything and I should keep my mouth shut because I did enough damage.
Meanwhile, I "liked" a post of theirs (why?!) and actually wrote an email to their mother yesterday--clearly I wasn't thinking on that, it had nothing to do with them, I've been on her newsletter since before meeting the friend and it was a one-off "your newsletter amuses me" comment and I've sent those things to her before--but I probably shouldn't have done that either. So, ugh, clearly I am still crazy.
============
I'm going to write about some woo right now, so please bear with me. Now, I am not Catholic by my own definition. My dad got raised Catholic but was never into the religion as far as I ever saw (he seems to have disowned it once they hit him up for money), my mother got raised Methodist and liked it, on the rare times we went to church it was always the Methodist one. I got baptized Catholic to stop my Catholic grandma from crying (funny story: my mother tried to sneak around and get her Methodist minister uncle to re-baptize me, he said no) and that's IT. I have never felt simpatico with Catholicism and am a pagan-y flexible religion person at heart.
BUT: awhile back I was introduced to the concept of praying to St. Anthony for lost items, and seriously, almost all of the time that's worked. I lost two items that never turned up years ago, but most of the time when I've asked, they turned up. I've had lost packages turn up in the mail. I've been asking for friends' lost stuff and all of that has turned up. I'm really impressed. (I also note that St. Francis has done a pretty good job of finding lost animals when I've asked for other people's pets. I have three verified times where someone's pet turned up within 30 min to a day, and I've seen "LOST PET" posters go down quickly after I put a word in. Not all the time, maybe the pet's died, but still a pretty good track record.) Because most of the time in life, prayer to whoever gets a whole lot of crickets and nothing. I don't really know what the difference is between saints or how that whole thing works, but it's nice to actually feel like someone up above cares and does something.
Anyway: upon doing further research, St. A also helps out with other situations besides lost objects, such as jobs, so I've decided to investigate asking for other things. I put in a plea for help with my job mess over the weekend (1. get the paperwork I need, 2. keep my job until I can get another, 3. get another job that I fit in better at...that'll take awhile), and I asked on behalf of a friend that she get a new caseworker since hers is shitty and seems to have quit/disappeared months ago. I'll be curious to see if she ever hears from the organization once people go back to work tomorrow. Maybe I will ask for other things too.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:34 AM on January 15 [6 favorites]
My wife is my best friend; this is at the heart of our longevity as a couple.
We're blessed with some good friends. A few I've had since early adulthood, or earlier, most are later acquaintances or neighbours who have become friends. In truth, most of our newer friends have come via Mrs C, and they tolerate me. ;-)
It's all part of the deal, but right now, two of our friends have just started cancer treatments. Both were caught early, and the prospects for a full cure are good. We are focused on being as helpful and supportive to them as we can be. We want them to stick around!
posted by Artful Codger at 8:46 AM on January 15 [4 favorites]
We're blessed with some good friends. A few I've had since early adulthood, or earlier, most are later acquaintances or neighbours who have become friends. In truth, most of our newer friends have come via Mrs C, and they tolerate me. ;-)
It's all part of the deal, but right now, two of our friends have just started cancer treatments. Both were caught early, and the prospects for a full cure are good. We are focused on being as helpful and supportive to them as we can be. We want them to stick around!
posted by Artful Codger at 8:46 AM on January 15 [4 favorites]
Jenfullmoon: FYI, the patron Saint of the unemployed is St. Catejan, and I leaned on him. My mother also snagged me a St. Jude medal blessed by her local bishop back in November and is claiming that also helped.
Another source of support was an old high school acquaintance - P was one of the guys in our drama club posse, who rolled a little more with the super-in-crowd posse back then that I was more just on the fringes of. But Facebook and time removed that weird barrier, and he is a recruiter now down in Georgia so I started occasionally hitting him up for advice. He was a MAJOR source of moral support (I lived off his comment that I had "one of the best LinkedIn profiles I've ever seen" for WEEKS).
About 2 hours after I messaged him a giddy "I HAVE A JOB!" message, he publicly shared some sad news of his own - but when I wrote back in sympathy, he said that "actually you helped, because I got to be happy about something a bit." I foisted my contact info on him and insisted he use it now and again
Ten years ago I was still processing high school bullshit and would never have predicted this.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:52 AM on January 15 [7 favorites]
Another source of support was an old high school acquaintance - P was one of the guys in our drama club posse, who rolled a little more with the super-in-crowd posse back then that I was more just on the fringes of. But Facebook and time removed that weird barrier, and he is a recruiter now down in Georgia so I started occasionally hitting him up for advice. He was a MAJOR source of moral support (I lived off his comment that I had "one of the best LinkedIn profiles I've ever seen" for WEEKS).
About 2 hours after I messaged him a giddy "I HAVE A JOB!" message, he publicly shared some sad news of his own - but when I wrote back in sympathy, he said that "actually you helped, because I got to be happy about something a bit." I foisted my contact info on him and insisted he use it now and again
Ten years ago I was still processing high school bullshit and would never have predicted this.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:52 AM on January 15 [7 favorites]
I have friends all over but my local social group has shifted a bit. Some of that is because, well, the pandemic, but people started new jobs, moved, got married, had children, etc. and so everyone's circumstances have changed. I get it and I'm not blaming anyone for it. (Also the person who was sort of the "center" of this specific group was one of the ones that moved.)
I was talking to a friend this weekend about this and yeah, I'd like to make more local friends but I'm not completely sure how to do that right now. I mean, I know leaving the house more would help.
Anyway, this will be a work in progress.
posted by edencosmic at 9:11 AM on January 15 [3 favorites]
I was talking to a friend this weekend about this and yeah, I'd like to make more local friends but I'm not completely sure how to do that right now. I mean, I know leaving the house more would help.
Anyway, this will be a work in progress.
posted by edencosmic at 9:11 AM on January 15 [3 favorites]
I was talking to a friend this weekend about this and yeah, I'd like to make more local friends but I'm not completely sure how to do that right now. I mean, I know leaving the house more would help.
I've never been a "joiner" and find a lot of group process really frustrating, but I think I'm going to have to get over myself and just start signing up for things.
And yes, the pandemic is such a big piece of this. I left the pandemic (to the extent that we've left it) with a much smaller social world than I started it, and it feels to me like this was the case for a lot of people, and not all of them are necessarily looking to re-expand their social circles at this point, either. The rules feel different now.
posted by Dip Flash at 9:16 AM on January 15 [2 favorites]
I've never been a "joiner" and find a lot of group process really frustrating, but I think I'm going to have to get over myself and just start signing up for things.
And yes, the pandemic is such a big piece of this. I left the pandemic (to the extent that we've left it) with a much smaller social world than I started it, and it feels to me like this was the case for a lot of people, and not all of them are necessarily looking to re-expand their social circles at this point, either. The rules feel different now.
posted by Dip Flash at 9:16 AM on January 15 [2 favorites]
The person who matters most to me? Mrs 43rd. 53 years in April, my first and only girlfriend. No one else even comes close.
posted by 43rdAnd9th at 9:19 AM on January 15 [12 favorites]
posted by 43rdAnd9th at 9:19 AM on January 15 [12 favorites]
I've never been a "joiner" and find a lot of group process really frustrating, but I think I'm going to have to get over myself and just start signing up for things.
Me neither. At one low, lonely point in my life, I was strongly encouraged to just "join" an activity that interested me, even if I had to force myself across the threshold. So I did. I was involved in theatre tech in highschool and college, so I stuck my neck out a bit and through a coworker, got an introduction to a small amateur theatre group. I survived the initial awkwardness of first contact, attended the weekly work meetings and the ritual bar meetup afterwards ... and it became a comfortable thing. And, um, that group is where I met my future wife.
There's nothing like bonding over a shared interest to spark up new friendships.
See also the SOFA thread.
posted by Artful Codger at 9:31 AM on January 15 [5 favorites]
Me neither. At one low, lonely point in my life, I was strongly encouraged to just "join" an activity that interested me, even if I had to force myself across the threshold. So I did. I was involved in theatre tech in highschool and college, so I stuck my neck out a bit and through a coworker, got an introduction to a small amateur theatre group. I survived the initial awkwardness of first contact, attended the weekly work meetings and the ritual bar meetup afterwards ... and it became a comfortable thing. And, um, that group is where I met my future wife.
There's nothing like bonding over a shared interest to spark up new friendships.
See also the SOFA thread.
posted by Artful Codger at 9:31 AM on January 15 [5 favorites]
Here's a recent story about saints in my life:
My wife and I were in Wisconsin over Christmas break and hit the antique malls, and I encountered a 3-foot-tall statue of a nun. As we were leaving I asked my wife if she saw the nun statue; she had missed it so I took her over to see it.
Short story, we've got a nun statue now.
Longer story: the statue is of Saint Rita, the patron saint of abused women and lost causes, so my very non-Christian wife identifies with her and absolutely loves her, so Ms. Rita now has pride of place in our living room rather than being resold in our antique booth.
St Rita relics -- like 1st class relics, parts of her corpse -- are relatively common for sale online and I have strongly needed to discourage my wife from bidding on them.
posted by AzraelBrown at 9:54 AM on January 15 [9 favorites]
My wife and I were in Wisconsin over Christmas break and hit the antique malls, and I encountered a 3-foot-tall statue of a nun. As we were leaving I asked my wife if she saw the nun statue; she had missed it so I took her over to see it.
Short story, we've got a nun statue now.
Longer story: the statue is of Saint Rita, the patron saint of abused women and lost causes, so my very non-Christian wife identifies with her and absolutely loves her, so Ms. Rita now has pride of place in our living room rather than being resold in our antique booth.
St Rita relics -- like 1st class relics, parts of her corpse -- are relatively common for sale online and I have strongly needed to discourage my wife from bidding on them.
posted by AzraelBrown at 9:54 AM on January 15 [9 favorites]
I am a birthright Unitarian but have long had a glow-in-the-dark Virgin Mary statuette. Go figure...
posted by jim in austin at 10:00 AM on January 15 [4 favorites]
posted by jim in austin at 10:00 AM on January 15 [4 favorites]
AzraelBrown, I don't know your wife but I truly like her now. Thanks for that story. Hey Wordshore, where's your story?
posted by Bella Donna at 10:16 AM on January 15 [1 favorite]
posted by Bella Donna at 10:16 AM on January 15 [1 favorite]
I have a lot of human friends, but for the entertainment of the thread, let me tell you a bit about the non-human ones.
First and foremost, my two great pyrenees girls, Bijou and Delphine, who look like smol polar bears but are the sweetest dogs on the planet, and also great heated pillows.
Next up are Lucy and Ricky, my two emus, which are the best pets I never wanted. They were evacuated to our farm from local fires, and have been here three years now. They are extremely cuddly 150 lb dinosaurs.
Then there's Barack and Michele O'llama. Like most llamas, they are judging you, always judging.
And finally there's Tyrion, our rescue alpaca. He talks a lot.
posted by birdsongster at 11:00 AM on January 15 [14 favorites]
First and foremost, my two great pyrenees girls, Bijou and Delphine, who look like smol polar bears but are the sweetest dogs on the planet, and also great heated pillows.
Next up are Lucy and Ricky, my two emus, which are the best pets I never wanted. They were evacuated to our farm from local fires, and have been here three years now. They are extremely cuddly 150 lb dinosaurs.
Then there's Barack and Michele O'llama. Like most llamas, they are judging you, always judging.
And finally there's Tyrion, our rescue alpaca. He talks a lot.
posted by birdsongster at 11:00 AM on January 15 [14 favorites]
I am a birthright Unitarian but have long had a glow-in-the-dark Virgin Mary statuette.
I also have a small glow-in-the-dark statue of St. Clare. I got it on a NOLA vacation back when i worked in television, and told my very Catholic boss that it was because she is the patron Saint of television.
What I did NOT tell him is that I bought it at Marie Leveau's voodoo shop.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:06 AM on January 15 [9 favorites]
I also have a small glow-in-the-dark statue of St. Clare. I got it on a NOLA vacation back when i worked in television, and told my very Catholic boss that it was because she is the patron Saint of television.
What I did NOT tell him is that I bought it at Marie Leveau's voodoo shop.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:06 AM on January 15 [9 favorites]
One of my closest friends is a relatively new one. We've known (of) each other from the local band scene for about 20 years and have at times played the same gigs and attended the same parties, as happens. Anyway, he moved near me with his kids (kids live there alternate weeks) maybe four years ago right before the covid times, and he reached out because he'd heard I live right nearby. I invited him to hang out, and now we see eachother most days for a drink and general hanging out, talking and listening to / playing music for a nice low key couple of hours.
I have to say it has been a genuine and unexpected pleasure to have him live SO NEAR, I can literally see their house from my kitchen window. He has keys to my apartment. It means I can very easily ask him to help me, bring me groceries etc if I'm feeling under the weather and HE WILL BE HAPPY TO HELP. I was struggling with stuff (living alone/unemployment/lack of funds/depression) on the years leading up to us becoming friends, and even though I have old local friends other than him, they don't live as close. It has been really helpful for me to have him around to cut through the funk of depression and ASK and ACCEPT help. Nowadays I'm not depressed anymore but it is a HUGE THING to know If I'm hung over and there's no food I can just ask and he'll pop by a bit later with some leftovers and a couple of spliffs.
posted by fridgebuzz at 11:14 AM on January 15 [9 favorites]
I have to say it has been a genuine and unexpected pleasure to have him live SO NEAR, I can literally see their house from my kitchen window. He has keys to my apartment. It means I can very easily ask him to help me, bring me groceries etc if I'm feeling under the weather and HE WILL BE HAPPY TO HELP. I was struggling with stuff (living alone/unemployment/lack of funds/depression) on the years leading up to us becoming friends, and even though I have old local friends other than him, they don't live as close. It has been really helpful for me to have him around to cut through the funk of depression and ASK and ACCEPT help. Nowadays I'm not depressed anymore but it is a HUGE THING to know If I'm hung over and there's no food I can just ask and he'll pop by a bit later with some leftovers and a couple of spliffs.
posted by fridgebuzz at 11:14 AM on January 15 [9 favorites]
we used to define a reliable friend as someone who would help you move.
And a good friend is someone who would help you move a body.
posted by Greg_Ace at 11:15 AM on January 15 [11 favorites]
And a good friend is someone who would help you move a body.
posted by Greg_Ace at 11:15 AM on January 15 [11 favorites]
That sounds great, fridgebuzz! Literaryhero, the book I just finished that features dragons, a murderous queen, and lesbian love (among other things), is called Can't Spell Treason without Tea (first volume of what may be a trilogy, I am unsure) by Rebecca Thorne. I am new to cosy fantasy; I like it!
Congrats on the new job, EmpressCallipygos, and on the fuzzy friends, birdsongster. They sound wonderful. Also, I forgot to mention that I love, love, love your updates on film school, AzraelBrown. That stuff fascinates me.
posted by Bella Donna at 11:21 AM on January 15 [4 favorites]
Congrats on the new job, EmpressCallipygos, and on the fuzzy friends, birdsongster. They sound wonderful. Also, I forgot to mention that I love, love, love your updates on film school, AzraelBrown. That stuff fascinates me.
posted by Bella Donna at 11:21 AM on January 15 [4 favorites]
I've lost all contact with the friends I made in my childhood and teen years. I briefly reconnected with one I considered a Best Friend back in the day and he expressed a strong interest in getting together, but then I saw him retweet or favorably respond to some relatively right-wing stuff on Twitter, so I stopped trying to stay in touch at that point.
My best friend of almost 30 years died about 4 years ago. He was pretty much my first real friend as an adult, and almost the only one. I still miss him, the entire topics of conversation that I didn't and don't have with anyone else, and the many in-jokes for which no one else has a shared context...it feels like a segment of my brain has been packed away in boxes and shoved in a dusty attic, wistfully remembered but rarely visited. Even now, I'll occasionally read or see or hear something and think "Oh, John will like th--oh. Well, he would have liked it..."
I have a couple other good friends that I regularly keep in touch with, but both are now in completely different parts of the country (I'm in Oregon, one is in Pennsylvania and the other is in Florida). It's hard to get into hours-long deep intimate conversations over phone or text, so the majority of our communication these days consists of breezy chit-chat and exchanging amusing memes.
15 years ago, after moving across country to a place where I didn't know anyone at all, I joined Metafilter and attended a local 10th anniversary party. Out of that arose regular local IRL meetups for quite a while, then from those a small close-knit social group eventually formed. While I wouldn't say we're close in a "knows-all-my-secrets" way (to borrow an apt descriptor from someone upthread), I cherish these people deeply. I literally don't know where I'd be if it wasn't for Metafilter and those friendships.
posted by Greg_Ace at 11:32 AM on January 15 [8 favorites]
My best friend of almost 30 years died about 4 years ago. He was pretty much my first real friend as an adult, and almost the only one. I still miss him, the entire topics of conversation that I didn't and don't have with anyone else, and the many in-jokes for which no one else has a shared context...it feels like a segment of my brain has been packed away in boxes and shoved in a dusty attic, wistfully remembered but rarely visited. Even now, I'll occasionally read or see or hear something and think "Oh, John will like th--oh. Well, he would have liked it..."
I have a couple other good friends that I regularly keep in touch with, but both are now in completely different parts of the country (I'm in Oregon, one is in Pennsylvania and the other is in Florida). It's hard to get into hours-long deep intimate conversations over phone or text, so the majority of our communication these days consists of breezy chit-chat and exchanging amusing memes.
15 years ago, after moving across country to a place where I didn't know anyone at all, I joined Metafilter and attended a local 10th anniversary party. Out of that arose regular local IRL meetups for quite a while, then from those a small close-knit social group eventually formed. While I wouldn't say we're close in a "knows-all-my-secrets" way (to borrow an apt descriptor from someone upthread), I cherish these people deeply. I literally don't know where I'd be if it wasn't for Metafilter and those friendships.
posted by Greg_Ace at 11:32 AM on January 15 [8 favorites]
Yeah, I don't have many friends.
I have my soccer team mates, a couple of whom I consider friends. Only one local that I would consider a "friend". I'm not even sure that I would call Ms. Windo a friend anymore. Which makes me sad.
But I don't have anyone that I am like, "hey, we should hang out" type friends. "Here are my secrets", nope. Never have been that type of person, and hasn't changed.
But, what makes a friend? I have been playing a turn based video game with a guy in Finland for a couple of years now. I consider him a friend. If I ever am in Finland, I will meet up. Lots of "internet friends" that I play games with. But with all my kids growing up and going away, all of those friends I had as parents, not so much. And of course all of you Mefi folks who I have never met but still consider you as friends.
Just did a thing where I sent FB friend requests to all the people from elementary/middle/high school who's names I recognize. Has been an interesting experiment.
And Greg_Ace, if you need a "friend" I am there for you...
posted by Windopaene at 11:41 AM on January 15 [7 favorites]
I have my soccer team mates, a couple of whom I consider friends. Only one local that I would consider a "friend". I'm not even sure that I would call Ms. Windo a friend anymore. Which makes me sad.
But I don't have anyone that I am like, "hey, we should hang out" type friends. "Here are my secrets", nope. Never have been that type of person, and hasn't changed.
But, what makes a friend? I have been playing a turn based video game with a guy in Finland for a couple of years now. I consider him a friend. If I ever am in Finland, I will meet up. Lots of "internet friends" that I play games with. But with all my kids growing up and going away, all of those friends I had as parents, not so much. And of course all of you Mefi folks who I have never met but still consider you as friends.
Just did a thing where I sent FB friend requests to all the people from elementary/middle/high school who's names I recognize. Has been an interesting experiment.
And Greg_Ace, if you need a "friend" I am there for you...
posted by Windopaene at 11:41 AM on January 15 [7 favorites]
I do know I need to join things but the process of finding the right things to join is complicated. Although the friend I was talking to about this did ask "OK, what group are we joining?" (She's the sort that likes to be involved in a lot of things and knows a lot of people. We actually met due to our involvement in organizing an event, which we both quit for various reasons.)
So yeah, work in progress. The year is young and I just want to be a bit more social.
posted by edencosmic at 12:15 PM on January 15 [5 favorites]
So yeah, work in progress. The year is young and I just want to be a bit more social.
posted by edencosmic at 12:15 PM on January 15 [5 favorites]
And a good friend is someone who would help you move a body.
I have one good friend.
I had two, but...
posted by Greg_Ace at 12:21 PM on January 15 [10 favorites]
I have one good friend.
I had two, but...
posted by Greg_Ace at 12:21 PM on January 15 [10 favorites]
the process of finding the right things to join is complicated
Um what? There must be stuff you're interested in. Or stuff that you once thought "that would be cool to do". So, no excuses there. Again, see the SOFA thread.
If you're actually saying that there are reasons why you find it hard to join new groups, that's something altogether different. All I can say is that it's a bit scary for most of us to take social risks like joining a new group, but if we do, we seldom regret it.
posted by Artful Codger at 12:27 PM on January 15 [3 favorites]
Um what? There must be stuff you're interested in. Or stuff that you once thought "that would be cool to do". So, no excuses there. Again, see the SOFA thread.
If you're actually saying that there are reasons why you find it hard to join new groups, that's something altogether different. All I can say is that it's a bit scary for most of us to take social risks like joining a new group, but if we do, we seldom regret it.
posted by Artful Codger at 12:27 PM on January 15 [3 favorites]
Of my two best friends, I'm married to one (we had a lot of ups and downs but lately we're doing well, knock on wood), and the other died of a glioblastoma in 2017 and I still think of stories about out escapades sometimes. (My wife understands - she's a widow and understands how people can be that huge in your life, even if he and I were not involved romantically). Most of my friends from high school dropped me when I came out (so many Catholics who think Francis is bad). Most of those in the time since are people who I touch base with from time to time.
The book writing is going well. I'm second drafting now, and a few things are going a bit differently as I see mistakes and correct them, so that's good. I'm hoping to afford an editor and someone to do some art for a cover for me soon, but without a job that's going to be a real pain in the everything. I also have notes for a sequel, but no actual plot for it yet.
My wife and I are looking at the political winds and trying to figure out exactly what we may have to do in a worst case scenario in 2024 onwards. I'm trying to see how well I can set up a one-bag (or two-bag at absolute most, a duffle and a briefcase) if running becomes a necessity, which is not something I like to think about but may be something I need to think about.
posted by mephron at 1:09 PM on January 15 [5 favorites]
The book writing is going well. I'm second drafting now, and a few things are going a bit differently as I see mistakes and correct them, so that's good. I'm hoping to afford an editor and someone to do some art for a cover for me soon, but without a job that's going to be a real pain in the everything. I also have notes for a sequel, but no actual plot for it yet.
My wife and I are looking at the political winds and trying to figure out exactly what we may have to do in a worst case scenario in 2024 onwards. I'm trying to see how well I can set up a one-bag (or two-bag at absolute most, a duffle and a briefcase) if running becomes a necessity, which is not something I like to think about but may be something I need to think about.
posted by mephron at 1:09 PM on January 15 [5 favorites]
These days, thanks to COVID, the vast majority of my friends are online. Most of my previous local friends chose "freedom" over "immunocompromised friend", and that's just how life goes. I do have one dear friend who I go hiking with every month or so, folks at work who I genuinely like, and a friend who is undergoing cancer treatment who is glad to have folks to hang out with who also are avoiding COVID. I miss brunch and singing and concerts and movies and random weird events. But I have an amazing army of online friends who genuinely care about me and have my back just, you know, from the other side of the country/world.
posted by hydropsyche at 2:27 PM on January 15 [11 favorites]
posted by hydropsyche at 2:27 PM on January 15 [11 favorites]
I've been lucky to still be friends with several people I've known since kindergarten - I'm now 57. I have friends I met in high school that I occasionally hang out with. Granted, a lot of interaction may be through Facebook and messaging, but I am grateful to still have these people in my life.
My Other Half is my best friend. A previous romantic partner is another bestie (amicable parting. We started dating at 16; broke up at 18; reconnected in our 40s and dated again for several years). My mom is kinda a best friend. I thought I had two female best friends, one I've known since kindergarten, but people change and I find myself holding back things because I don't feel heard by them; and that's actually sad.
I had one, true, non judgemental, life long friend and he passed away this past November. He was my "twin brother from another mother" - we were born on the same day in the same hospital and remained friends for all the years. Never romantic partners; I reintroduced him to his wife and I was in their wedding. He and I had more interests in common than I do with my bio brother. Losing him was completely unexpected and ripped my heart out. I miss him more than I ever thought I could.
I am forever grateful for all the friends in my life, some I've never met in person, because they all bring something to my existence.
posted by annieb at 4:17 PM on January 15 [9 favorites]
My Other Half is my best friend. A previous romantic partner is another bestie (amicable parting. We started dating at 16; broke up at 18; reconnected in our 40s and dated again for several years). My mom is kinda a best friend. I thought I had two female best friends, one I've known since kindergarten, but people change and I find myself holding back things because I don't feel heard by them; and that's actually sad.
I had one, true, non judgemental, life long friend and he passed away this past November. He was my "twin brother from another mother" - we were born on the same day in the same hospital and remained friends for all the years. Never romantic partners; I reintroduced him to his wife and I was in their wedding. He and I had more interests in common than I do with my bio brother. Losing him was completely unexpected and ripped my heart out. I miss him more than I ever thought I could.
I am forever grateful for all the friends in my life, some I've never met in person, because they all bring something to my existence.
posted by annieb at 4:17 PM on January 15 [9 favorites]
I'm not in the best of places when it comes to friends at the moment, but I have had many whom I've loved dearly. I want to give a short shoutout for fellow MeFite wallabear who passed away a few years ago. He was my concert buddy and partner in crime. I miss him so much. I have nobody to do things with anymore. :(
posted by hippybear at 4:45 PM on January 15 [10 favorites]
posted by hippybear at 4:45 PM on January 15 [10 favorites]
I just wanted to share this lovely six minute song that reminds me of the Hive Mind here: Eric Whitacre Virtual Choir
posted by effluvia at 4:59 PM on January 15 [3 favorites]
posted by effluvia at 4:59 PM on January 15 [3 favorites]
I'm not in the best of places when it comes to friends at the moment, but I have had many whom I've loved dearly. I want to give a short shoutout for fellow MeFite wallabear who passed away a few years ago. He was my concert buddy and partner in crime. I miss him so much. I have nobody to do things with anymore. :(
Woah, he passed away? If there was an announcement of that, I think I missed it. I'm really sorry to hear this (even years later), I always liked his comments and we exchanged some messages a long time ago.
posted by Dip Flash at 5:07 PM on January 15 [4 favorites]
Woah, he passed away? If there was an announcement of that, I think I missed it. I'm really sorry to hear this (even years later), I always liked his comments and we exchanged some messages a long time ago.
posted by Dip Flash at 5:07 PM on January 15 [4 favorites]
I only met him once? twice? but he struck me as a really great guy. My heartfelt condolences.
posted by Greg_Ace at 5:47 PM on January 15 [3 favorites]
posted by Greg_Ace at 5:47 PM on January 15 [3 favorites]
Oh I thought it had been announced here. Yeah, wallabear had liver cancer. He had an awesome workplace which were paying to fly him across the state to the best oncologists possible, but as with Bowie, sometimes the blackstar will just claim you. He had plenty of advance notice and spent much of his last time preparing for his passing and making sure his mother, sister, and his sister's grandchildren who were under her care were all set up for. He died at the end of 2019 and the planned memorial to happen in 2020l never happened as far as I know.
Thanks for the kind thoughts. He was one of the best friends I've ever had, and he really treasured the found family he had here on MetaFilter. I feel confident saying that he loved everyone here.
posted by hippybear at 6:06 PM on January 15 [7 favorites]
Thanks for the kind thoughts. He was one of the best friends I've ever had, and he really treasured the found family he had here on MetaFilter. I feel confident saying that he loved everyone here.
posted by hippybear at 6:06 PM on January 15 [7 favorites]
I hung out with most of the same friends from yesterday today. One of them is upset that her best friend isn't dealing with her medical issues well and is essentially Freaking Out if it comes up. Friend's medical issues are so severe that one cannot stuff them under the couch and hide them, so this is a problem. (Apparently best friend said she was being "dramatic" over, y'know, needing a heart transplant and being upset about it.) She told me she's considering ending the friendship over this if bestie can't handle it, or it may just end anyway if bestie cannot chill. Friend has been debating/kind of wanting to dial back the friendship if bestie can't handle it, bestie doesn't necessarily want to dial it back. It's a conundrum.
I said in my case I'd just wanted an apology really but didn't think I could ask, and she said, "Me too!" I asked if she could deal with blowing up the friendship and never talking to bestie again and she said, "No way!" Well, I said, don't do what I did then. Not that I'm sure how to work out that particular friend issue, but I said to think about it very hard because once you blow shit up, it's done forever.
posted by jenfullmoon at 6:07 PM on January 15 [4 favorites]
I said in my case I'd just wanted an apology really but didn't think I could ask, and she said, "Me too!" I asked if she could deal with blowing up the friendship and never talking to bestie again and she said, "No way!" Well, I said, don't do what I did then. Not that I'm sure how to work out that particular friend issue, but I said to think about it very hard because once you blow shit up, it's done forever.
posted by jenfullmoon at 6:07 PM on January 15 [4 favorites]
Assuming I'm not in chemo or radiation, I think I may try to set up a meetup for Dallas Metafilter folks when it warms up (so we can be outside). All this talk about friends made me realize I miss the meetups we used to have in Austin.
posted by gentlyepigrams at 6:47 PM on January 15 [5 favorites]
posted by gentlyepigrams at 6:47 PM on January 15 [5 favorites]
I'm so sorry for those of you who've lost loved ones recently. It's been a hard few years.
As to friends... back in the 2010s I got diagnosed with a chronic disease, and the treatment that works leaves me moderately immunocompromised, so I started isolating around 2016. That dovetailed nicely with my avoidant personality and social anxiety, and I proceeded to lose touch with just about everyone. I have one friend left in the real world, and none in the online one. I really suck at keeping in touch, and I tend to isolate when things go badly, and it's been a bad decade.
And now I'm about to go through yet another surgery, and I'm really freaked out, and my friend is going to help but I'm scared to lean on him too heavily, and I'm exhausted from like eight previous surgeries and the chronic disease and all the other crap that's going on with me and holy hell this sucks.
So I'm working to get stuff cooked and frozen and the house cleaned and supplies brought in while I'm hurting and miserable. And I'm doing errands out in the world knowing that if I get a respiratory disease, I'm really seriously hosed right now. I can practically feel myself making a luck roll and a constitution saving throw when I walk into a store.
This is all, in other words, a bit much.
But the feral cat colony is okay. They're healthy and well, they weathered the recent freezing temperatures without any problems, and they're very appreciative of the warmed-up cat food on cold mornings. I have had some problems with javelina trying to horn in on their dinners recently, but I consulted the Arizona Fish and Wildlife page and it said to drive the pesky peccaries off by banging pots and pans at them, so that's what I've been doing. So my neighbors are getting treated to hearing me banging on a frying pan while trying to herd a herd out of my yard every few evenings.
And, as it turns out, it's absolutely impossible to drive off a squadron of javelina without concluding the episode by muttering "darned varmints."
I've tried. Can't do it.
posted by MrVisible at 11:26 PM on January 15 [13 favorites]
As to friends... back in the 2010s I got diagnosed with a chronic disease, and the treatment that works leaves me moderately immunocompromised, so I started isolating around 2016. That dovetailed nicely with my avoidant personality and social anxiety, and I proceeded to lose touch with just about everyone. I have one friend left in the real world, and none in the online one. I really suck at keeping in touch, and I tend to isolate when things go badly, and it's been a bad decade.
And now I'm about to go through yet another surgery, and I'm really freaked out, and my friend is going to help but I'm scared to lean on him too heavily, and I'm exhausted from like eight previous surgeries and the chronic disease and all the other crap that's going on with me and holy hell this sucks.
So I'm working to get stuff cooked and frozen and the house cleaned and supplies brought in while I'm hurting and miserable. And I'm doing errands out in the world knowing that if I get a respiratory disease, I'm really seriously hosed right now. I can practically feel myself making a luck roll and a constitution saving throw when I walk into a store.
This is all, in other words, a bit much.
But the feral cat colony is okay. They're healthy and well, they weathered the recent freezing temperatures without any problems, and they're very appreciative of the warmed-up cat food on cold mornings. I have had some problems with javelina trying to horn in on their dinners recently, but I consulted the Arizona Fish and Wildlife page and it said to drive the pesky peccaries off by banging pots and pans at them, so that's what I've been doing. So my neighbors are getting treated to hearing me banging on a frying pan while trying to herd a herd out of my yard every few evenings.
And, as it turns out, it's absolutely impossible to drive off a squadron of javelina without concluding the episode by muttering "darned varmints."
I've tried. Can't do it.
posted by MrVisible at 11:26 PM on January 15 [13 favorites]
That sucks, MrVisible. So sorry to hear it. Sending virtual hugs from Sweden to anyone who needs ‘em. Health stuff is just so hard. I hear there is a lot of snow and cold weather affecting the US and it is certainly affecting where I live. It’s currently -18C/0F and some young man in this region decided to walk the 7 kilometres home from a buddy’s place at 3 am local time. He was not dressed for the weather and has almost certainly frozen to death. Authorities are out looking for him; perhaps it’s not too late for a rescue. Be careful out there, folks.
posted by Bella Donna at 1:12 AM on January 16 [3 favorites]
posted by Bella Donna at 1:12 AM on January 16 [3 favorites]
The people who matter--many, in varying degrees.
Right now, my boyfriend Dire and my parents are the ones I usually go to first with good and bad things.
My closest friends include two cousins, the Late Mr. Nerd's (TLMN) bestie, my bestie, another one of TLMN's friends.
My sister's somewhere in between. We get along well, but we're wired differently, which causes issues--at least on my end. (There's no water in the well, I must remind myself...)
posted by luckynerd at 2:47 PM on January 16 [4 favorites]
Right now, my boyfriend Dire and my parents are the ones I usually go to first with good and bad things.
My closest friends include two cousins, the Late Mr. Nerd's (TLMN) bestie, my bestie, another one of TLMN's friends.
My sister's somewhere in between. We get along well, but we're wired differently, which causes issues--at least on my end. (There's no water in the well, I must remind myself...)
posted by luckynerd at 2:47 PM on January 16 [4 favorites]
I don’t have a best friend, but I do have a small group of good friends and I’m thankful for every single one of them. We are all kind of the same - we don’t keep in contact every day, but are there for each other when it really counts. The friend who came and spent some time with me every week during my maternity leave so I would not go crazy. The friend who called the day after I learned my mom died and we talked about the Cubs prospects that year because I needed to discuss something other than death in that moment. The mom friends who tell me that I’m doing OK in those moments I feel like I’m screwing up my kid.
Blessings, each of them.
posted by theBigRedKittyPurrs at 2:51 PM on January 16 [6 favorites]
Blessings, each of them.
posted by theBigRedKittyPurrs at 2:51 PM on January 16 [6 favorites]
After four solid days of temperatures in the teens (-12 to -7 C), starting with a snow storm Saturday and ending in an ice storm yesterday and last night, it finally got up above freezing this morning. I was aware of this because of the frequent sound of ice and frozen snow falling off of tree branches and smacking onto the still-frozen ground. Kind of entertaining actually.
So of course some doofus took this as a signal that it was time to try to free his car from its parking spot. It took half an hour of engine-revving, slipping tires, attempted shoveling, and lots of useless neighborly advice before he gave up. Also quite entertaining...
Fortunately the temperature will be climbing back to more-familiar 40s (single-digit Cs) and there's supposed to be significant rain tonight and tomorrow, so I'm hoping I'll be able to get out to the grocery and liquor stores tomorrow evening.
posted by Greg_Ace at 12:49 PM on January 17 [3 favorites]
So of course some doofus took this as a signal that it was time to try to free his car from its parking spot. It took half an hour of engine-revving, slipping tires, attempted shoveling, and lots of useless neighborly advice before he gave up. Also quite entertaining...
Fortunately the temperature will be climbing back to more-familiar 40s (single-digit Cs) and there's supposed to be significant rain tonight and tomorrow, so I'm hoping I'll be able to get out to the grocery and liquor stores tomorrow evening.
posted by Greg_Ace at 12:49 PM on January 17 [3 favorites]
So this is how today's medical appointment went. NOT. WELL. Pretty much almost as bad as it could get. Dude turns out to be a jerk. Told me to pay out of pocket if I want further anything and what he was referring to turns out to be workman's comp related (yeah, right, already had that conversation, nope), and that if I just got another job I'd be fine.
He very grudgingly wrote a letter, which I don't know if disability will accept, and nitpicked what I asked for since I don't have a diagnosis--and never will beyond what I already have, he said.
Meanwhile, I somehow fucked up 100+ records AGAIN and got caught AGAIN and I don't even know how I'm doing this!!!! And I have no evidence or defense, I'm just a stupid fucking fuckup who can't stop fucking up.
posted by jenfullmoon at 2:45 PM on January 17 [5 favorites]
He very grudgingly wrote a letter, which I don't know if disability will accept, and nitpicked what I asked for since I don't have a diagnosis--and never will beyond what I already have, he said.
Meanwhile, I somehow fucked up 100+ records AGAIN and got caught AGAIN and I don't even know how I'm doing this!!!! And I have no evidence or defense, I'm just a stupid fucking fuckup who can't stop fucking up.
posted by jenfullmoon at 2:45 PM on January 17 [5 favorites]
jenfullmoon, you know that thing where people on the internet can’t say the thing out loud because they will get banned? I’m thinking ALL those things about ALL those HCPs right now.
You deserve better. I know it is cold comfort that a stranger on the internet believes that, but..
You. Deserve. Better.
posted by theBigRedKittyPurrs at 2:58 PM on January 17 [5 favorites]
You deserve better. I know it is cold comfort that a stranger on the internet believes that, but..
You. Deserve. Better.
posted by theBigRedKittyPurrs at 2:58 PM on January 17 [5 favorites]
All the support this internet stranger can give you jenfulmoon...
posted by Windopaene at 3:55 PM on January 17 [4 favorites]
posted by Windopaene at 3:55 PM on January 17 [4 favorites]
Wow, jenfullmoon, that is so rough! I'm also angry on your behalf!
As for friends and such, until last summer I considered myself an introvert. At the ripe old age of 47 I'm starting to think maybe I'm actually an extrovert who is finally getting past my social anxiety? Do people switch from intro to extro? This week the weather is foul (waves at Greg_Ace), I'm iced in from my usual social activities, and I'm bored and restless. Yesterday I door knocked some neighbors to see if anyone needed groceries before I went to the store, partly to be helpful, partly to have a small chat or two!
I'm still good friends with a high school roommate from when we were 16, visit her once or twice a year, a 10 hour drive away. And a handful of friends who live a lot closer. I'm not great at keeping up the connections by text or such, I need the in-person visits.
A few of my cousins, I have, or could, invite myself to their house, or at least a nearby hotel, to visit for a few days. I really enjoy those times. And, especially after the Covid isolating years, I find I am the type who just needs to Show Up. Reunions, weddings, memorial services, I will make the solid effort to be there. The grandparents are long gone, only a few aunts and uncles left, and the cousin bonds are weaker. It makes me sad to think about it too much, the loosening of ties.
posted by dorey_oh at 5:49 PM on January 17 [5 favorites]
As for friends and such, until last summer I considered myself an introvert. At the ripe old age of 47 I'm starting to think maybe I'm actually an extrovert who is finally getting past my social anxiety? Do people switch from intro to extro? This week the weather is foul (waves at Greg_Ace), I'm iced in from my usual social activities, and I'm bored and restless. Yesterday I door knocked some neighbors to see if anyone needed groceries before I went to the store, partly to be helpful, partly to have a small chat or two!
I'm still good friends with a high school roommate from when we were 16, visit her once or twice a year, a 10 hour drive away. And a handful of friends who live a lot closer. I'm not great at keeping up the connections by text or such, I need the in-person visits.
A few of my cousins, I have, or could, invite myself to their house, or at least a nearby hotel, to visit for a few days. I really enjoy those times. And, especially after the Covid isolating years, I find I am the type who just needs to Show Up. Reunions, weddings, memorial services, I will make the solid effort to be there. The grandparents are long gone, only a few aunts and uncles left, and the cousin bonds are weaker. It makes me sad to think about it too much, the loosening of ties.
posted by dorey_oh at 5:49 PM on January 17 [5 favorites]
You. Deserve. Better.
I just wanted to echo this.
posted by Dip Flash at 6:11 PM on January 17 [3 favorites]
I just wanted to echo this.
posted by Dip Flash at 6:11 PM on January 17 [3 favorites]
jenfullmoon, that is infuriating. I have no advice to offer but a lot of sympathy.
Tomorrow I'm getting my cancerous reproductive innards removed and there's a 70% chance that that will be the end of my cancer journey. I can tell who my people are by who's been checking in on me and I'm feeling pretty loved right now.
posted by gentlyepigrams at 8:11 PM on January 17 [8 favorites]
Tomorrow I'm getting my cancerous reproductive innards removed and there's a 70% chance that that will be the end of my cancer journey. I can tell who my people are by who's been checking in on me and I'm feeling pretty loved right now.
posted by gentlyepigrams at 8:11 PM on January 17 [8 favorites]
Good luck gentlyeipigrams. May that journey end. May your journey continue.
posted by Windopaene at 9:29 PM on January 17 [3 favorites]
posted by Windopaene at 9:29 PM on January 17 [3 favorites]
I love you all :)
On a good news side, heard this morning that Disability Services WILL accept the letter he provided and they want to discuss accommodations. So, POSTPONEMENT MAY HAPPEN!!!
Honestly, I'm not sure what to do or say on that score. Yes, I've looked at askjan and the like, but I'm not sure if there's anything I CAN ask for since I already have things like headphones and a private office, or I already do those things like have calendar reminders, and what might actually "help" is probably not anything I can ask for, like proofreading or not answering phones. I feel like this may end up with my either asking for things that don't actually help so I still end up being just as shitty of a performer as I ever am and this is all a token thing (which it probably is), or we discuss the gamble of trying to get reassigned, which may not go well either.
Any advice on accommodation requesting would be welcome.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:28 AM on January 18 [4 favorites]
On a good news side, heard this morning that Disability Services WILL accept the letter he provided and they want to discuss accommodations. So, POSTPONEMENT MAY HAPPEN!!!
Honestly, I'm not sure what to do or say on that score. Yes, I've looked at askjan and the like, but I'm not sure if there's anything I CAN ask for since I already have things like headphones and a private office, or I already do those things like have calendar reminders, and what might actually "help" is probably not anything I can ask for, like proofreading or not answering phones. I feel like this may end up with my either asking for things that don't actually help so I still end up being just as shitty of a performer as I ever am and this is all a token thing (which it probably is), or we discuss the gamble of trying to get reassigned, which may not go well either.
Any advice on accommodation requesting would be welcome.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:28 AM on January 18 [4 favorites]
Accommodations meeting Tuesday afternoon.
posted by jenfullmoon at 3:13 PM on January 18
posted by jenfullmoon at 3:13 PM on January 18
So my new job is doing a more thorough than usual series of screening and on-board paperwork (it is a social services organization that deals with kids, so it makes sense). one thing I had to do was complete a form that asked the names and birthdays of everyone in my residence. I was racing to fill that out before the show last night, but couldn't remember my roommate's birth year and texted him. He gave it to me, but also added it seemed "invasive" for them to ask.
We were about to start the show, so I texted a tossed-off joke about having had to pee in a cup. But all the way home last night I was bracing myself for him to reopen the conversation and ask if I could protect him or something.
However, the whole time I was at the show, he was giving his new rice cooker a test drive - and fell in love. So when I got in, expecting him to say "listen, I don't want them to know my details" - instead he was grinning at me and gushing, "I just made the best rice of my entire life!"
Bit of whiplash there.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 3:31 PM on January 18 [3 favorites]
We were about to start the show, so I texted a tossed-off joke about having had to pee in a cup. But all the way home last night I was bracing myself for him to reopen the conversation and ask if I could protect him or something.
However, the whole time I was at the show, he was giving his new rice cooker a test drive - and fell in love. So when I got in, expecting him to say "listen, I don't want them to know my details" - instead he was grinning at me and gushing, "I just made the best rice of my entire life!"
Bit of whiplash there.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 3:31 PM on January 18 [3 favorites]
So, continuing with the posting topic, even though I know this is an open thread....
I've been truly floundering in the friend department, and a part of this has been me thinking about friends from the past who have been lost.
I've reached out a few times across the years. Some of those have been a really great thing, some of them have ended in a really quick, surreal flame-out.
Well, tonight I dialed the number of a friend who I'd lost contact with about 25 year ago, and the reconnection was short because of time zones but I think is going to grow into something a lot more extended and maybe really in depth. He was SO happy to have heard from me tonight, and it was very much out of the blue for him so I'm sure he's reeling a bit from this lightening bolt... but I have a lot of optimism that I will at least have a telephone friend I can talk to regularly from here on out, and maybe even someone to visit with in the future.
So, sometimes the people who matter disappear for a while, but if you're brave and make the phone call, you might find them again.
posted by hippybear at 7:15 PM on January 18 [5 favorites]
I've been truly floundering in the friend department, and a part of this has been me thinking about friends from the past who have been lost.
I've reached out a few times across the years. Some of those have been a really great thing, some of them have ended in a really quick, surreal flame-out.
Well, tonight I dialed the number of a friend who I'd lost contact with about 25 year ago, and the reconnection was short because of time zones but I think is going to grow into something a lot more extended and maybe really in depth. He was SO happy to have heard from me tonight, and it was very much out of the blue for him so I'm sure he's reeling a bit from this lightening bolt... but I have a lot of optimism that I will at least have a telephone friend I can talk to regularly from here on out, and maybe even someone to visit with in the future.
So, sometimes the people who matter disappear for a while, but if you're brave and make the phone call, you might find them again.
posted by hippybear at 7:15 PM on January 18 [5 favorites]
Floundering?
No, I've been foundering. I have not been floundering.
posted by hippybear at 7:22 PM on January 18
No, I've been foundering. I have not been floundering.
posted by hippybear at 7:22 PM on January 18
It has been gently snowing all day, piling up slowly. Somehow the school superintendent managed to finesse a snow day by declaring a remote asynchronous day, but encouraging the teachers to phone it in. So the kids got the best of both worlds - they don't have to make up the day and they got it off to play in the snow.
I adore my school district's superintendent for the record. He threads the needle really, really well.
This afternoon I disappointed a triad of teenage boys by declining the offer to shovel our driveway and walk for the grand sum of $15.00. Which in retrospect I should have accepted, but I was on a call when they leaned on the doorbell and did not have the capacity to supervise.
I'm struggling with a work challenge right now. In a good way! But I'm becoming obsessed and spending too much time on it, so I need to shut down soon.
posted by theBigRedKittyPurrs at 2:16 PM on January 19
I adore my school district's superintendent for the record. He threads the needle really, really well.
This afternoon I disappointed a triad of teenage boys by declining the offer to shovel our driveway and walk for the grand sum of $15.00. Which in retrospect I should have accepted, but I was on a call when they leaned on the doorbell and did not have the capacity to supervise.
I'm struggling with a work challenge right now. In a good way! But I'm becoming obsessed and spending too much time on it, so I need to shut down soon.
posted by theBigRedKittyPurrs at 2:16 PM on January 19
Fortunately the temperature will be climbing back to more-familiar 40s (single-digit Cs) and there's supposed to be significant rain tonight and tomorrow
Well...no. It stayed around freezing, and we got more ice/sleet yesterday. Plus, the power went out last night around 11-ish and was still out this morning. Inside temp was about 54° (12C), fortunately I have appropriate camping clothing for dressing in layers and keeping warm. Also a camp stove, so I was able to heat up already-made stew and make coffee for breakfast, for additional warmth. Hell, I was practically toasty!
The power finally came on again about 1pm today, but I still didn't have internet for another couple hours after that - late enough to justify not bothering to check in at work, yay! I was able to get my car out of the driveway and go to the liquor store (outside my neighborhood the roads were well clear), only to find it closed. :( Instead I went to the grocery store, which was open, and got some needed provisions along with a bottle of wine to accompany dinner. It's supposed to finally warm up and rain tomorrow...we'll see.
posted by Greg_Ace at 4:06 PM on January 19 [2 favorites]
Well...no. It stayed around freezing, and we got more ice/sleet yesterday. Plus, the power went out last night around 11-ish and was still out this morning. Inside temp was about 54° (12C), fortunately I have appropriate camping clothing for dressing in layers and keeping warm. Also a camp stove, so I was able to heat up already-made stew and make coffee for breakfast, for additional warmth. Hell, I was practically toasty!
The power finally came on again about 1pm today, but I still didn't have internet for another couple hours after that - late enough to justify not bothering to check in at work, yay! I was able to get my car out of the driveway and go to the liquor store (outside my neighborhood the roads were well clear), only to find it closed. :( Instead I went to the grocery store, which was open, and got some needed provisions along with a bottle of wine to accompany dinner. It's supposed to finally warm up and rain tomorrow...we'll see.
posted by Greg_Ace at 4:06 PM on January 19 [2 favorites]
I got some shit done for job hunting today. Got a certification, took tests. Still need to do one more Monday.
I am with a friend right now and I am SOOOOOO SICK of hearing about how CUUUUUTE Snape and Voldemort are. One has no nose and the other bullies children. NONE OF THIS IS HOT. I have to stay until she gets picked up and I can't wait to leave because I'm tired of hearing this topic all week.
posted by jenfullmoon at 5:29 PM on January 19 [1 favorite]
I am with a friend right now and I am SOOOOOO SICK of hearing about how CUUUUUTE Snape and Voldemort are. One has no nose and the other bullies children. NONE OF THIS IS HOT. I have to stay until she gets picked up and I can't wait to leave because I'm tired of hearing this topic all week.
posted by jenfullmoon at 5:29 PM on January 19 [1 favorite]
And her mother is, as usual, late and going to be EVEN LATER grumble grumble.
posted by jenfullmoon at 5:31 PM on January 19
posted by jenfullmoon at 5:31 PM on January 19
I am seriously out of ideas to keep entertaining her here, send help.
posted by jenfullmoon at 5:33 PM on January 19
posted by jenfullmoon at 5:33 PM on January 19
It is 11am. I have until 5 pm free. I'm largely done with the work-prep stuff finally (I have a doctor's visit on Monday and that's it). There is a cast party tomorrow after the matinee and I offered to bake a couple things. It's also cold as balls outside right now - which makes holing up inside and baking all the more attractive.
In a moment I'm going to pull on some pants, go to the supermarket a half block up the street and get extra butter, sugar and eggs, and then come home and bake - some muffins I've been meaning to make for myself, and a couple of things for the party tomorrow; my grandma's cranberry bread, and a chocolate tea cake. The lead is a self-professed "chocoholic", and I think Nigela's "Quadruple chocolate loaf" would qualify - chocolate cake with chocolate chips and soaked in a chocolate syrup and with shavings of chocolate on the top.
I may also make up another chocolate tea cake for here; I'd been planning to make a chocolate/peanut butter/banana bread for tomorrow, to use up some peanut butter and bananas that I've got lingering here, but the lead said that he wasn't really a fan of the chocolate/peanut butter combination. Nor of mocha, which also ruled out the chocolate/banana bread with mocha glaze I'd also considered.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:57 AM on January 20 [1 favorite]
In a moment I'm going to pull on some pants, go to the supermarket a half block up the street and get extra butter, sugar and eggs, and then come home and bake - some muffins I've been meaning to make for myself, and a couple of things for the party tomorrow; my grandma's cranberry bread, and a chocolate tea cake. The lead is a self-professed "chocoholic", and I think Nigela's "Quadruple chocolate loaf" would qualify - chocolate cake with chocolate chips and soaked in a chocolate syrup and with shavings of chocolate on the top.
I may also make up another chocolate tea cake for here; I'd been planning to make a chocolate/peanut butter/banana bread for tomorrow, to use up some peanut butter and bananas that I've got lingering here, but the lead said that he wasn't really a fan of the chocolate/peanut butter combination. Nor of mocha, which also ruled out the chocolate/banana bread with mocha glaze I'd also considered.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:57 AM on January 20 [1 favorite]
I have a tale of contrasts about reaching out toward old friends.
Two men, coinciding in my life in the past, as I used to travel with the one to go visit the other in San Francisco over New Years for a few years. We'd land in town and be there for around a week, and it was a lovely party time to usher in the new year, and then it all just split apart.
In the one case, the guy I used to visit in SF, I've been in touch with him a bit on and off across the years, but it has taken on an increasing overtone of strangeness when in touch. The most recent involved me doing a "hey, get in touch if you want" email which had gone unanswered several times in the past, and this time was answered with an email and a phone call and then plans to get together and then... he started getting strange? Like unwilling to engage about the plans we were trying to make together, doing things that got my Spidey sense up when we were interacting, and finally we just cancelled our trip.
In the other case, the guy I used to travel to SF with... entirely different case. I'd entirely lost this man from my life for over 20 years, and when I'd found a few hints at contact information across the years when I look for people I miss they felt nebulous, but this time I actually got what felt like a real, solid hit. And after sitting on the number for a couple of weeks [I texted the number when I found it, but it was a landline so that was ineffective], I finally dialed the number.
And I will say, I think we have both been having a bit of a celebration of reunion since then! We've been texting a lot and then finally spent over an hour on the phone today, and wow it's a lot of years to try to cover but it felt so comfortable to talk to him... and he expressed a few times how he had lost track of "people from back then" and was glad I had called...
Anyway, so yeah. Two people from the same era in my life 25 years ago, one of them seemed to be playing mind games with me when I was reaching out, the other who embraced me like a long lost brother.
The people in your life. Good post topic.
posted by hippybear at 7:41 PM on January 20 [5 favorites]
Two men, coinciding in my life in the past, as I used to travel with the one to go visit the other in San Francisco over New Years for a few years. We'd land in town and be there for around a week, and it was a lovely party time to usher in the new year, and then it all just split apart.
In the one case, the guy I used to visit in SF, I've been in touch with him a bit on and off across the years, but it has taken on an increasing overtone of strangeness when in touch. The most recent involved me doing a "hey, get in touch if you want" email which had gone unanswered several times in the past, and this time was answered with an email and a phone call and then plans to get together and then... he started getting strange? Like unwilling to engage about the plans we were trying to make together, doing things that got my Spidey sense up when we were interacting, and finally we just cancelled our trip.
In the other case, the guy I used to travel to SF with... entirely different case. I'd entirely lost this man from my life for over 20 years, and when I'd found a few hints at contact information across the years when I look for people I miss they felt nebulous, but this time I actually got what felt like a real, solid hit. And after sitting on the number for a couple of weeks [I texted the number when I found it, but it was a landline so that was ineffective], I finally dialed the number.
And I will say, I think we have both been having a bit of a celebration of reunion since then! We've been texting a lot and then finally spent over an hour on the phone today, and wow it's a lot of years to try to cover but it felt so comfortable to talk to him... and he expressed a few times how he had lost track of "people from back then" and was glad I had called...
Anyway, so yeah. Two people from the same era in my life 25 years ago, one of them seemed to be playing mind games with me when I was reaching out, the other who embraced me like a long lost brother.
The people in your life. Good post topic.
posted by hippybear at 7:41 PM on January 20 [5 favorites]
Another year, another bunch of Hugos drama. This is...inevitable. I don't have the heart to put a post on this and I'm leaving soonish, but maybe someone else might.
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:21 AM on January 21 [1 favorite]
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:21 AM on January 21 [1 favorite]
I'm at the point where I've gotten the best friendship group and network I could hope for. It's taken more than a few mistakes, a lot of growing up, and - over the last few years - a lot of sometimes difficult, occasionally brutal, pruning to remove people who I was in very unbalanced, or unhealthy, friendships with.
There's four close friends who I put a lot of time and energy into. Two are MeFites who I've known for over a decade each (the MetaFilter thing is more of a coincidence). One I've met IRL and we speak often (it's a complex and constantly evolving friendship, with a lot of words going in each direction), the other is getting married later this year and I have an invite.
A third close friend is someone from my school days, so we go back multiple decades; she was the person in our year who everyone else (including some of the teachers) was scared of, though she's - partially - mellowed; I see her often when I'm in Worcester. The fourth is someone I met at a train station and we ended up chatting for hours, still do online, and meet up regularly. To my family who said "never speak to strangers at bus or train stations" - you called that one wrong, along with the considerable amount of other trash 'advice' from my childhood.
There's a wider network of other friends, accumulated through various jobs, research endeavors, travels, living with people, adventures and misadventures, online gaming, and online media (a few from MetaFilter). There's some characteristics of my close friends/wider network which are not usual, partially because of me and partially because of life to date (my CV is a bit wild), but that'll probably come out in free threads later in 2024.
I'm good with all this. This next stage of my life - 2024 to 2029 will, if I (survive and) do some or most or all of what I'm intending, be ... interesting ... and a strong and mutual friend network and close friends is going to be essential.
posted by Wordshore at 6:36 AM on January 22 [1 favorite]
There's four close friends who I put a lot of time and energy into. Two are MeFites who I've known for over a decade each (the MetaFilter thing is more of a coincidence). One I've met IRL and we speak often (it's a complex and constantly evolving friendship, with a lot of words going in each direction), the other is getting married later this year and I have an invite.
A third close friend is someone from my school days, so we go back multiple decades; she was the person in our year who everyone else (including some of the teachers) was scared of, though she's - partially - mellowed; I see her often when I'm in Worcester. The fourth is someone I met at a train station and we ended up chatting for hours, still do online, and meet up regularly. To my family who said "never speak to strangers at bus or train stations" - you called that one wrong, along with the considerable amount of other trash 'advice' from my childhood.
There's a wider network of other friends, accumulated through various jobs, research endeavors, travels, living with people, adventures and misadventures, online gaming, and online media (a few from MetaFilter). There's some characteristics of my close friends/wider network which are not usual, partially because of me and partially because of life to date (my CV is a bit wild), but that'll probably come out in free threads later in 2024.
I'm good with all this. This next stage of my life - 2024 to 2029 will, if I (survive and) do some or most or all of what I'm intending, be ... interesting ... and a strong and mutual friend network and close friends is going to be essential.
posted by Wordshore at 6:36 AM on January 22 [1 favorite]
« Older "It is quite likely that you feel it yourself" | Pirate & Chill Newer »
This thread has been archived and is closed to new comments
So, that was a really nice way to wrap up an otherwise total clown shoe of a year.
posted by JustSayNoDawg at 12:42 AM on January 15 [16 favorites]