The Word of the Father
February 2, 2013 6:56 AM Subscribe
Laws Concerning Food and Drink; Household Principles; Lamentations of the Father [single-link Atlantic]
If my dad had written this it would have read:
But if you aresick watching Saturday morning cartoons for hours on end, and are lying down and watching something thy mother and father need some "couple time," then may you eat in the living room.
posted by The Card Cheat at 7:05 AM on February 2, 2013 [1 favorite]
But if you are
posted by The Card Cheat at 7:05 AM on February 2, 2013 [1 favorite]
Heed me; for if you sit like that, your hair will go into the syrup. And now behold, even as I have said, it has come to pass.
That's funny, I don't remember him coming to breakfast at our house this morning.
posted by fancyoats at 7:28 AM on February 2, 2013 [1 favorite]
That's funny, I don't remember him coming to breakfast at our house this morning.
posted by fancyoats at 7:28 AM on February 2, 2013 [1 favorite]
I can't find a way to not deep link it, but in this edition of Selected Shorts, the late Isaiah Sheffer reads The Lamentations of the Father. The blurb about the episode is here.
On preview: beaten to it by 445supermag, but I'll post this anyway in case you prefer the audio-only version.
posted by jepler at 7:34 AM on February 2, 2013 [1 favorite]
On preview: beaten to it by 445supermag, but I'll post this anyway in case you prefer the audio-only version.
posted by jepler at 7:34 AM on February 2, 2013 [1 favorite]
Yow. I'm amazed that this has never appeared here before.
posted by hwestiii at 8:10 AM on February 2, 2013
posted by hwestiii at 8:10 AM on February 2, 2013
Erm...it has, just this week...
posted by MessageInABottle at 8:28 AM on February 2, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by MessageInABottle at 8:28 AM on February 2, 2013 [1 favorite]
I heard this read on Prairie Home Companion many many years ago - before I had kids. I laughed then. But now I live it.
posted by Dojie at 8:55 AM on February 2, 2013
posted by Dojie at 8:55 AM on February 2, 2013
It's true, fifteen years ago, this was hilarious. Now? Not so much. Kids make everything less funny. QUIT PUTTING FUCKING TAPE ON THE CAT.
posted by Keith Talent at 9:37 AM on February 2, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by Keith Talent at 9:37 AM on February 2, 2013 [4 favorites]
This piece went from being droll (before I had kids) to simple observational humor with funny diction (like Yakov Smirnov) now.
That said, I love it because it is so dead-on. "Yea, and so it has come to pass."
posted by wenestvedt at 10:06 AM on February 2, 2013
That said, I love it because it is so dead-on. "Yea, and so it has come to pass."
posted by wenestvedt at 10:06 AM on February 2, 2013
Before having kids I would not have imagined drinking bath water was actually a thing. Now, I know better.
posted by ambrosia at 10:28 AM on February 2, 2013
posted by ambrosia at 10:28 AM on February 2, 2013
@JennyHolzerMom
EXISTENCE IS FLEETING BUT THERE IS ALWAYS TIME TO EAT SITTING DOWN AT THE TABLE LIKE A HUMAN BEING
MAKE PEOPLE HEAR YOU BUT NOT WHILE YOU'RE EATING SOUP
EXTRICATING YOURSELF FROM INDOCTRINATION CAN BE A MESSY BUSINESS SO MAKE SURE YOU WASH YOUR HANDS GOOD BEFORE DINNER
IF YOU DON'T LIKE WHAT SOCIETY SERVES YOU, DON'T EAT IT, BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO MAKE THAT FACE
HUNGER CAN BE A POWERFUL MOTIVATOR TO MAYBE PACK A SANDWICH NEXT TIME
DON'T DRINK THE NECTAR OF PROPAGANDA UNTIL AFTER YOU'VE FINISHED WHAT'S ON YOUR PLATE
posted by charlie don't surf at 11:08 AM on February 2, 2013 [7 favorites]
EXISTENCE IS FLEETING BUT THERE IS ALWAYS TIME TO EAT SITTING DOWN AT THE TABLE LIKE A HUMAN BEING
MAKE PEOPLE HEAR YOU BUT NOT WHILE YOU'RE EATING SOUP
EXTRICATING YOURSELF FROM INDOCTRINATION CAN BE A MESSY BUSINESS SO MAKE SURE YOU WASH YOUR HANDS GOOD BEFORE DINNER
IF YOU DON'T LIKE WHAT SOCIETY SERVES YOU, DON'T EAT IT, BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO MAKE THAT FACE
HUNGER CAN BE A POWERFUL MOTIVATOR TO MAYBE PACK A SANDWICH NEXT TIME
DON'T DRINK THE NECTAR OF PROPAGANDA UNTIL AFTER YOU'VE FINISHED WHAT'S ON YOUR PLATE
posted by charlie don't surf at 11:08 AM on February 2, 2013 [7 favorites]
I still have a tattered copy of the original, which must have come out when my daughter was five, and at the time it was one of the funniest things I have ever read, and it still is. A simple formula, combining the lofty rhetoric of The Good Book (and God's seemingly random commands) with the daily absurdities of toddler-rearing with some self-mockery: Ian Frazier has the gift of writing in many different styles, if you have been following him at all.
posted by kozad at 11:15 AM on February 2, 2013
posted by kozad at 11:15 AM on February 2, 2013
Thanks to Mr. Frazier, evil thoughts tickle a dark corner of my mind every time the cat walks by when I have a roll of tape in my hand. So far, I've been good.
posted by Corvid at 12:32 PM on February 2, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by Corvid at 12:32 PM on February 2, 2013 [2 favorites]
Amazed this isn't a previously. Still one of the funniest pieces I ever read.
posted by Mchelly at 5:20 PM on February 2, 2013
posted by Mchelly at 5:20 PM on February 2, 2013
I never knew this existed. It's wonderful, and thank you for posting it!
posted by rtha at 5:41 PM on February 2, 2013
posted by rtha at 5:41 PM on February 2, 2013
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Then I re-read it ad laughed all over again.
Thanks.
Why the hell did I think this was by David Sedaris?
posted by timsteil at 7:02 AM on February 2, 2013 [2 favorites]