The best team won
January 13, 2015 9:22 AM Subscribe
"Gregg Nibert had something he needed to discuss.
The Presbyterian College head basketball coach had just seen his team lose its season opener to Duke, 113–44. “We’re not 69 points worse,” Nibert would say in his post-game press conference. No one in the room cared. Nibert wasn’t the story, nor were his Blue Hose players.
“We’re never gonna forget this night,” Nibert said. He repeated it. Then he collected his box score and walked out the door. But then Nibert stopped. He had to speak for those without a voice." -- From The Cauldron, a story of a NCAA Basketball Coach who has cared for 37 foster children, and his ongoing attempts to get the sports media to care about the issue more than sports.
The Presbyterian College head basketball coach had just seen his team lose its season opener to Duke, 113–44. “We’re not 69 points worse,” Nibert would say in his post-game press conference. No one in the room cared. Nibert wasn’t the story, nor were his Blue Hose players.
“We’re never gonna forget this night,” Nibert said. He repeated it. Then he collected his box score and walked out the door. But then Nibert stopped. He had to speak for those without a voice." -- From The Cauldron, a story of a NCAA Basketball Coach who has cared for 37 foster children, and his ongoing attempts to get the sports media to care about the issue more than sports.
Particularly timely considering the class action suit filed yesterday on behalf of foster children in South Carolina (where the Nibert family were foster parents). Thanks for posting this.
Small quibble - while I'm sure the coach did his fair share, the article seems to underplay the role of his wife, Peggy, whose idea this was and who (I'm certain) did more than 50% of the work. I'm sad that the framing of this great and important story is about the coach giving a speech vs. their day to day life.
posted by anastasiav at 9:36 AM on January 13, 2015 [3 favorites]
Small quibble - while I'm sure the coach did his fair share, the article seems to underplay the role of his wife, Peggy, whose idea this was and who (I'm certain) did more than 50% of the work. I'm sad that the framing of this great and important story is about the coach giving a speech vs. their day to day life.
posted by anastasiav at 9:36 AM on January 13, 2015 [3 favorites]
A few years ago, we volunteered for a program, and through that volunteering came into contact with various people who are foster parents of this sort: Calls in the middle of the night, "hey, can you take this infant?", the heartbreak of having a kid for a few months, and then seeing that kid go back into the dysfunctional situations, and then back out, and...
So good on Peggy, and her husband and biological kids, and their story isn't that unusual. There are families all over with similar tales, similar counts of kids who've been in and out.
We also have friends who've adopted a foster daughter, a charming young lady who will be struggling with various demons for the rest of her life, if the occasional glimpse behind the smiling bouncy face is any indication. But she comes to our square dance gatherings and we dote on her and hopefully the extended family of the rest of us square dancers can help make up for what she's already missed.
And on the other side, I've got two friends who spent extensive time as kids in foster homes, one of whom is now a huge campaigner against a couple of larger facilities in our area for various pretty horrifying abuses that have occurred there, and is in the "keep kids with their biological family at all costs" camp.
I don't have any answers, but I'd really like to see more public consciousness about this, more discussion, more work on what we can do to make the foster family experience more stable, give kids more support getting their lives in order when they fall off the end of the system, trying to figure out how we can support those kids before they need to be placed, and expediting their path to a stable home once that's the right option.
Good on Peggy Nibert for her work, and Gregg Nibert for his speaking out, and I'm glad that at least one reporter actually wrote something up rather than snickering and saying "well, that just happened". But, you know: sports.
posted by straw at 9:44 AM on January 13, 2015 [4 favorites]
So good on Peggy, and her husband and biological kids, and their story isn't that unusual. There are families all over with similar tales, similar counts of kids who've been in and out.
We also have friends who've adopted a foster daughter, a charming young lady who will be struggling with various demons for the rest of her life, if the occasional glimpse behind the smiling bouncy face is any indication. But she comes to our square dance gatherings and we dote on her and hopefully the extended family of the rest of us square dancers can help make up for what she's already missed.
And on the other side, I've got two friends who spent extensive time as kids in foster homes, one of whom is now a huge campaigner against a couple of larger facilities in our area for various pretty horrifying abuses that have occurred there, and is in the "keep kids with their biological family at all costs" camp.
I don't have any answers, but I'd really like to see more public consciousness about this, more discussion, more work on what we can do to make the foster family experience more stable, give kids more support getting their lives in order when they fall off the end of the system, trying to figure out how we can support those kids before they need to be placed, and expediting their path to a stable home once that's the right option.
Good on Peggy Nibert for her work, and Gregg Nibert for his speaking out, and I'm glad that at least one reporter actually wrote something up rather than snickering and saying "well, that just happened". But, you know: sports.
posted by straw at 9:44 AM on January 13, 2015 [4 favorites]
Granting the weirdness of framing this with a badly planned speech at the wrong time, I thought it came across clearly that this was almost entirely Peggy's crusade.
posted by Shmuel510 at 9:45 AM on January 13, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Shmuel510 at 9:45 AM on January 13, 2015 [2 favorites]
A friend's parents used to do respite care, and the emotional toll of it always seemed that it must have been overwhelming. But they did it with a smile, well aware that they had a safe, welcoming home and that some child needed that, often very badly indeed.
Truly this is "what you do for the least of my brothers" territory, and these foster families -- kids, parents, whatever -- are awesome.
Also, since I have had kids of my own, stories about people protecting kids really affects me.
posted by wenestvedt at 9:53 AM on January 13, 2015
Truly this is "what you do for the least of my brothers" territory, and these foster families -- kids, parents, whatever -- are awesome.
Also, since I have had kids of my own, stories about people protecting kids really affects me.
posted by wenestvedt at 9:53 AM on January 13, 2015
Yeah, it seemed pretty clear to me Peggy was the driver here--it's stated repeatedly that she initiated fostering and the coach's time away from home meant she was doing the bulk of the work.
posted by Anonymous at 10:00 AM on January 13, 2015
posted by Anonymous at 10:00 AM on January 13, 2015
I'm sad that the framing of this great and important story is about the coach giving a speech vs. their day to day life.
that's fair, but I think the angle this story took is important as well--sports journalism pretends to care about stuff like domestic violence and child abuse when they can pillory a player for being a monster, but they are actively discouraging of any conversation about issues like this outside of that context. It's a heartbreaking vignette to me, this guy trying so hard to get people to care about kids in our own neighborhoods and the press just turning off their cameras and snickering.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 10:12 AM on January 13, 2015 [4 favorites]
that's fair, but I think the angle this story took is important as well--sports journalism pretends to care about stuff like domestic violence and child abuse when they can pillory a player for being a monster, but they are actively discouraging of any conversation about issues like this outside of that context. It's a heartbreaking vignette to me, this guy trying so hard to get people to care about kids in our own neighborhoods and the press just turning off their cameras and snickering.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 10:12 AM on January 13, 2015 [4 favorites]
I'm sad that the framing of this great and important story is about the coach giving a speech vs. their day to day life.
The framing is only odd out of context- The Cauldron covers sports, hence the focus on the press conference.
posted by zamboni at 10:22 AM on January 13, 2015
The framing is only odd out of context- The Cauldron covers sports, hence the focus on the press conference.
posted by zamboni at 10:22 AM on January 13, 2015
Of course some writer is going to pick up this story and run with it in an effort do differentiate themselves that "look,we care about what's really important out there." No, I'm sorry, you run and write for a SPORTS site. I like sports as much as the next person, but the reason we care about sports is precisely because they are not real life. The reason the sports journalists laugh and him is because the coach was inappropriate and out of line. He's not there because his wife is a great foster mother. He's there because he's the coach of a college basketball team. It's as invasive and unwanted as when a random person accosts you on the street to talk about Greenpeace or Jesus or any ostensibly good cause. Sports journalism works best when there's an actual connection from the real world to the sport. Otherwise it doesn't make any sense, and neither does this piece.
posted by thewumpusisdead at 10:38 AM on January 13, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by thewumpusisdead at 10:38 AM on January 13, 2015 [4 favorites]
I think the biggest point the writer makes (beyond telling Peggy's story) is that sportswriters can do more regarding social issues that are presented to them through sports figures.
Example: Nibert and child abuse vs. Adrian Peterson and child abuse.
posted by surplus at 12:21 PM on January 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
Example: Nibert and child abuse vs. Adrian Peterson and child abuse.
posted by surplus at 12:21 PM on January 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
I am someone who had no idea about the plight of foster children five years ago. I would have been the noncommital stare with a slight nod of affirmation if anyone had told me about it.
Now I can't talk about the problem without my eyes starting to well up with tears. Five years ago my wife compelled us look into it. I said okay, sat through the 20 hours or so of training that the state required. I somehow got on the slowly-moving-by-itself-towards-its-destination train that feels like the one that eventually gets you to graduation, or to the altar once you have set the date.
A month after training a little girl came to our house, three months old. Horrible home situation, spent the first month of her life in the hospital detoxing. There were half-hearted steps (if that) by the family to rehabilitate. Unfortunately, the court couldn't see through the shenanigans well enough to not not send her back to an abusive family, after being with us for almost two years. It broke our hearts, we lost a child. We asked the court to reconsider, as we saw the damage it would do. They didn't listen. So, we had no idea what was happening for 18 months, whether she was flourishing or suffering, as the family refused to let us see her. During that time (we have come to learn), she learned to worry constantly about where food was going to come from, if she was going to get hit for not going to the bathroom right, wondering if she was going to be abandoned somewhere. The police eventually found her in a drug house hiding under the covers in a bedroom, clothes filthy and diaper unchanged for days. Her mom had left her there and they happened to find her during a drug raid.
So she came back to us two years ago and has been with us since (she just turned five). The court process is more amenable this time to allowing her permanency with a family that loves her. She can never get enough to eat now, because she still worries about if there will be enough. We had to potty train her when she came back, because her mom had not done it. But she knows that she is loved and is learning to trust she will not be abandoned again, or hurt, or left without food. She laughs a lot and loves her sisters. We will be finalizing an adoption for her within the next few months, God willing. The courts have told us that we can.
During that dark time that she was gone, another little girl came into our life that I mentioned here. She was snatched from a life where I believe the perpetrators had no idea the depths of their own neglect. She is ours now, fully adopted, one of the most amazing moments of my life this last summer. I look at her every night, hug her, and I'm thankful that somehow, miraculously, we were able to be in the right place at the right time simply create a safe place for her. I still feel odd playing such a big role in such a vulnerable person's life. Who the heck am I?
People sometimes think this is commendable, but my only virtue (and I mean my ONLY VIRTUE) going into this is that I was utterly ignorant of what was required. I had no idea how deep the depravity is that children live in regularly, or about a system which fails to protect them adequately on many levels. It's hard for me to recommend that others go through the same process, knowing how hard it is to take care of children who have been utterly broken by the system. The process takes you and wrings you out. I am utterly wrecked by this whole thing.
Paradoxially, it's also one of the most worthy things I've ever committed myself to. The need is so pervasive and so deep that it doesn't surprise me in the least that this coach would make an impassioned plea at an unrelated press conference, knowing that it would possibly fall on deaf ears. When the curtain gets pulled back and you see what is happening, it creates a feeling of desperation that doesn't let go of you. In our case, the desperation lead us towards a good conclusion. But I've lived for five years with anxiety that stays with you the whole time, not knowing whether the people we've grown to love as family would suffer more abuse and neglect because of the decisions of people who only see them as names on a piece of paper. It takes a serious toll, but I clearly see now that the alternative is so much worse.
posted by SpacemanStix at 6:06 PM on January 13, 2015 [10 favorites]
Now I can't talk about the problem without my eyes starting to well up with tears. Five years ago my wife compelled us look into it. I said okay, sat through the 20 hours or so of training that the state required. I somehow got on the slowly-moving-by-itself-towards-its-destination train that feels like the one that eventually gets you to graduation, or to the altar once you have set the date.
A month after training a little girl came to our house, three months old. Horrible home situation, spent the first month of her life in the hospital detoxing. There were half-hearted steps (if that) by the family to rehabilitate. Unfortunately, the court couldn't see through the shenanigans well enough to not not send her back to an abusive family, after being with us for almost two years. It broke our hearts, we lost a child. We asked the court to reconsider, as we saw the damage it would do. They didn't listen. So, we had no idea what was happening for 18 months, whether she was flourishing or suffering, as the family refused to let us see her. During that time (we have come to learn), she learned to worry constantly about where food was going to come from, if she was going to get hit for not going to the bathroom right, wondering if she was going to be abandoned somewhere. The police eventually found her in a drug house hiding under the covers in a bedroom, clothes filthy and diaper unchanged for days. Her mom had left her there and they happened to find her during a drug raid.
So she came back to us two years ago and has been with us since (she just turned five). The court process is more amenable this time to allowing her permanency with a family that loves her. She can never get enough to eat now, because she still worries about if there will be enough. We had to potty train her when she came back, because her mom had not done it. But she knows that she is loved and is learning to trust she will not be abandoned again, or hurt, or left without food. She laughs a lot and loves her sisters. We will be finalizing an adoption for her within the next few months, God willing. The courts have told us that we can.
During that dark time that she was gone, another little girl came into our life that I mentioned here. She was snatched from a life where I believe the perpetrators had no idea the depths of their own neglect. She is ours now, fully adopted, one of the most amazing moments of my life this last summer. I look at her every night, hug her, and I'm thankful that somehow, miraculously, we were able to be in the right place at the right time simply create a safe place for her. I still feel odd playing such a big role in such a vulnerable person's life. Who the heck am I?
People sometimes think this is commendable, but my only virtue (and I mean my ONLY VIRTUE) going into this is that I was utterly ignorant of what was required. I had no idea how deep the depravity is that children live in regularly, or about a system which fails to protect them adequately on many levels. It's hard for me to recommend that others go through the same process, knowing how hard it is to take care of children who have been utterly broken by the system. The process takes you and wrings you out. I am utterly wrecked by this whole thing.
Paradoxially, it's also one of the most worthy things I've ever committed myself to. The need is so pervasive and so deep that it doesn't surprise me in the least that this coach would make an impassioned plea at an unrelated press conference, knowing that it would possibly fall on deaf ears. When the curtain gets pulled back and you see what is happening, it creates a feeling of desperation that doesn't let go of you. In our case, the desperation lead us towards a good conclusion. But I've lived for five years with anxiety that stays with you the whole time, not knowing whether the people we've grown to love as family would suffer more abuse and neglect because of the decisions of people who only see them as names on a piece of paper. It takes a serious toll, but I clearly see now that the alternative is so much worse.
posted by SpacemanStix at 6:06 PM on January 13, 2015 [10 favorites]
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posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 9:25 AM on January 13, 2015