why isnt he moving anymore

June 12, 2014 10:11 AM

How to look like you know loads about football
posted by capnsue (29 comments total)

Did you see that ludicrous display last night?
posted by namewithoutwords at 10:17 AM on June 12, 2014 [11 favorites]

I was about to ask if 'ludicrous display' was still current.
posted by echo target at 10:19 AM on June 12, 2014

i hope that our football team gets the points that they require

FTW
posted by chavenet at 10:20 AM on June 12, 2014 [2 favorites]

yay my team! boo your team!
posted by blue_beetle at 10:25 AM on June 12, 2014

Just learn the offside rule and everything else is easy peasy.
posted by cazoo at 10:27 AM on June 12, 2014

::guy is writhing around on ground, holding shin, grimacing::

"Oscar! Oscar!"
posted by CrowGoat at 10:29 AM on June 12, 2014

keep your knees to yourself you italian idiot gave me a bit of a chuckle!
posted by Mister_A at 10:37 AM on June 12, 2014

So, this "traditional world cup sausage"... Is that pork?
posted by monospace at 10:44 AM on June 12, 2014

PRO TIP! Anytime someone is fouled say "What the fuck was that shit?!". This will work no matter what. If your team has gotten fouled then everyone agrees that that was a horrendous foul. If it is your team fouling someone then all will agree that it was a silly foul and what was that player thinking SMDH.

THIS WORKS.
posted by josher71 at 10:56 AM on June 12, 2014 [10 favorites]

Oh! If there are no goals and you are getting bored by, oh, the 30th minute try "This game is a bit in the doldrums".
posted by josher71 at 10:57 AM on June 12, 2014

PRO TIP! Anytime someone is fouled say "What the fuck was that shit?!". This will work no matter what. If your team has gotten fouled then everyone agrees that that was a horrendous foul. If it is your team fouling someone then all will agree that it was a silly foul and what was that player thinking SMDH.

THIS WORKS.

I can confirm that this is functionally the same as how I watch any sport, including ones I know pretty well.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 11:06 AM on June 12, 2014 [4 favorites]

Also just mutter 'f**ck Luis Suarez' every 20 min or so no matter if you're watching Uruguay play or not.
posted by PenDevil at 11:09 AM on June 12, 2014 [5 favorites]

They really are one of the greats.
posted by michaelh at 11:22 AM on June 12, 2014

ha ha what timing I was just going to write a post about this one.

Here is one good article on Slate about soccer in general and here is another about the teams in specific.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 11:29 AM on June 12, 2014 [1 favorite]

and of course secret footage of the Italian soccer team training drills
posted by St. Peepsburg at 11:31 AM on June 12, 2014 [2 favorites]

I just like to admire the team seating. The bucket seats make me expect that the substitutes will be whipped around the stadia by some sort of roller coaster contraption at ridiculous speeds. That and I talk about Ronaldo's neck which gets longer each year.
posted by srboisvert at 11:50 AM on June 12, 2014

Why isn't he moving anymore?

Something something Schumacher something?

These are not really very funny, or useful. Sorta like Lebedev missed a penalty and missed the rebound.
posted by marienbad at 12:13 PM on June 12, 2014

Any time I watch football, I can't stop saying, "Why do they make the field so BIG? Why are they making these poor guys run around that huge field? Oh for petes sake now someone's kicked the ball all the way to the other end and everyone has to run all the way back I'm tired just watching this."
posted by Erasmouse at 12:32 PM on June 12, 2014 [2 favorites]

he told me that EVERYONE knows who this reynaldo guy is (i do not)

You don't say?
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 12:42 PM on June 12, 2014 [1 favorite]

It is true, even I know reynaldo and I am mostly here for the butts and celebration shirtlessness.
posted by elizardbits at 1:04 PM on June 12, 2014

Isn't he the guy from Reynaldo and the Loaf?
posted by Dr Dracator at 2:16 PM on June 12, 2014

I thought this was about American football. It seems the key to expert analysis is to say "football" as a noun adjunct at every opportunity, and my god, does it sound pretentious. Not sure if this also applies to soccer...

"This kid is a football player, who makes football plays, and knows how to win football games for this football team. In the National Football League."
posted by TheSecretDecoderRing at 3:14 PM on June 12, 2014 [2 favorites]

SHIT! DID YOU SEE THAT?
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 4:08 PM on June 12, 2014 [1 favorite]

Armando Iannucci, from the brilliant Armando Iannucci Show.
posted by Jon Mitchell at 9:20 PM on June 12, 2014 [1 favorite]

Genuinely laughing. This article has no right to be this funny.

Also funny - The Onion's selection of Teams To Watch.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 1:32 AM on June 13, 2014 [1 favorite]

I thought this was about American football

Well the American football team are playing in the World Football Cup so it is, right?
posted by EndsOfInvention at 1:35 AM on June 13, 2014

I thought this was about American football. It seems the key to expert analysis is to say "football" as a noun adjunct at every opportunity, and my god, does it sound pretentious. Not sure if this also applies to soccer...


It does not. Soccer commentating is way less pretentious in this way and the commentators, well the British ones, are not shy about saying what they think about how a team is performing. There is certainly less "the majesty of the game" bullshit.
posted by josher71 at 5:28 AM on June 13, 2014

Also, American commentators say 'football' every other sentence for the same reason annoying instructors at team building conferences use your name every other sentence: to promote a sense of expertise and familiarity that is both false and patronising.
posted by Ned G at 7:26 AM on June 13, 2014 [2 favorites]

help ive been watching football for 8 hours
posted by elizardbits at 5:58 PM on June 14, 2014 [2 favorites]