"“Goop vibes,” he said mournfully. I agreed."
April 19, 2023 5:29 AM   Subscribe

On the Goop Cruise (archive.is, Lauren Oyler for Harper's Magazine) posted by box (41 comments total) 19 users marked this as a favorite
 
"The first indication that something was off came when I attempted to purchase my ticket."

NARRATOR: That was not the first indication, not at all.

I love the absolutely relentless Eye Shadow Over Innsmouth undercurrents in this article, the flavor, the art, even the little turns of phrase like "a special restaurant called Luminae" and "the fanciest suites on the Beyond" hinting at the unspoken, incomprehensible horrors crawling under the surface as this giant boat teeming with people whose ceremonial routines involve scented candles and shoving a jade egg up in, "sprinkled with "superpowders" and bathed in infrared light."

Live, Laugh, Lurk.
posted by mhoye at 5:54 AM on April 19, 2023 [31 favorites]


What’s more, during the yearslong squabble over which of us lady writers would become the next Joan Didion, no one had tried to claim the title of David Foster Wallace for girls; his reputation as both a misogynist and an author beloved by misogynists meant it was just sitting right there this whole time, waiting for anyone with grammatical flexibility and the courage to try.
*snort laughs coffee all over keyboard*
posted by Fizz at 6:00 AM on April 19, 2023 [24 favorites]


I'd just like to say, only a few paragraphs in - I really, really hope the majority of the cruise goers are journalists or others covering this foolishness because the company doesn't actually have any true believers - just unimaginative rich women forever buying each other this crap as gifts that they immediately throw away or stuff in the third extra bathroom.
posted by Glinn at 6:24 AM on April 19, 2023 [2 favorites]


Ha! Yeah, I guess I'm a few paragraphs further on than you and I came right over here to go, "Wait, is everyone on the Goop list a journalist!!???" Because it sure seems like it.
posted by soundguy99 at 6:29 AM on April 19, 2023 [6 favorites]


Perhaps it's because I'm a guy, but I get creepy vibes from everything Goop. It's like there's something inherently wrong but in some covert way that defies identification.
posted by tommasz at 6:34 AM on April 19, 2023 [4 favorites]


Whoops, no, wait - the 8 or 9 journalists got a special tour, there are a whopping 43 other people who paid the extra for the Goop version of the cruise.
posted by soundguy99 at 6:35 AM on April 19, 2023 [2 favorites]


A Supposedly Goopy Thing I’ll Never Do Again
posted by ricochet biscuit at 7:18 AM on April 19, 2023 [23 favorites]


"but that doesn’t matter—even if someone thinks she’s done more harm than good, and that a lot of it is an upscale scam, they will comment, wearily, pragmatically, just a little bit enviously, that you have to respect it, don’t you, what she’s done."

I particularly hate this line of thinking about the shit that capitalists do. The founder/owner of the company I work for is a pretty crappy guy on a bunch of levels, not the worst a capitalist can be but still far short of the standards of empathy and values I hope for from my fellow humans. Most decent people who've heard enough of his shitty opinions to have that read on him don't like him, but a mind-boggling proportion of even those who don't like him still respect him for succeeding at capitalism. For winning a game that was already rigged in his favour. I've heard a lot of 'well he built this successful company, you have to respect that', except you don't. You just don't fucking have to respect that, and I derive tremendous and persistent personal satisfaction from refusing to do so.
posted by terretu at 7:25 AM on April 19, 2023 [63 favorites]


I'm not halfway through this piece and not sure that I'll finish--did we really need to know the names of all the other journalists and their partners?--but at least there's some acknowledgement of how low-hanging this fruit is by this point, and how that fits neatly into Mrs. Iron Man's business model. One of the first things that I thought about was the Maintenance Phase podcast episode on GOOP, and appreciated this bit: "included a mea culpa from the hosts for participating in the same attention-seeking cycle they were criticizing."

Also, mhoye, I'd save that "Eye Shadow Over Innsmouth" bit for something more deserving, that's a great bit.
posted by Halloween Jack at 7:32 AM on April 19, 2023 [3 favorites]


....during the yearslong squabble over which of us lady writers would become the next Joan Didion, no one had tried to claim the title of David Foster Wallace for girls....

Ironically, the vibe I got from this was more Hunter S. Thompson.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:35 AM on April 19, 2023 [13 favorites]


I was amused at the relentless determination to never refer to her by name.
posted by restless_nomad at 7:45 AM on April 19, 2023 [21 favorites]


> "a mind-boggling proportion of even those who don't like him still respect him for succeeding at capitalism."

This is one of the soul-eating side effects of capitalism; the bandwagon mentality that "you gotta respect those (higher-status grifters)." Some even do it to justify their own moments of exploitation. One big aspirational pyramid of "Screw you, I got mine" with collateral damage all the way down. And if someone else puts a bigger grift over on you, it must be due to them being "better" in some Randian way.

Never mind the Mega Grift; "We were beaten by the best."
posted by Hardcore Poser at 7:47 AM on April 19, 2023 [6 favorites]


I enjoyed this a lot.
posted by joannemerriam at 7:49 AM on April 19, 2023 [2 favorites]


I prefer Covetton House for my lifestyle brand needs. Don't miss their winter line!
posted by Servo5678 at 7:55 AM on April 19, 2023 [6 favorites]


"With the artificial patience of the often drugged he responded in earnest: the ketamine retreats are in a controlled setting, involving blankets and eye masks. "

This was a good line.

The throuple part was a weird choice as a distractor.
posted by sibboleth at 8:06 AM on April 19, 2023 [3 favorites]


Still reading, but I have to say:
I’d spent the summer engaging in polyamory and doing unanticipated quantities of drugs

Her summer has been more fun than mine, I think.
posted by rmd1023 at 8:12 AM on April 19, 2023 [8 favorites]


Since Celebrity has ended their relationship with Goop, I guess it was a supposedly fun thing that she can never do again.

Goop and things like the fake boner pills and 'energy' stuff sold to super-right-wing podcast audiences both seem cut from the same cloth - the decoration is different between them but other than that it's just grift all the way down.
posted by rmd1023 at 8:43 AM on April 19, 2023 [6 favorites]


I keep thinking of that scene in the movie Contagion, when doctors autopsy Gwynneth Paltrow's character. They open the top of her head, gaze into her brain, and freak the heck out.
posted by doctornemo at 9:11 AM on April 19, 2023 [18 favorites]


The cruise part really does seem at odds with the exclusivity vibe. Also I appreciate the writer including this:
In the weeks before I set sail, the FT published a feature story about the American cruise industry’s destruction of Europe through overtourism and pollution. Barcelona, which hosted more than two million cruise passengers in 2019, was ranked the most polluted port in Europe in a report published that same year. Despite the daily presence of annoying tourists clogging port cities’ winding streets, a study found that up to 40 percent of cruise passengers traveling through Bergen, Norway, never left the ship; half of those who did spent less than twenty-five dollars. “They’re not really modes of transport,” one expert told the FT. “They’re just very carbon-intensive hotels.”
posted by spamandkimchi at 9:19 AM on April 19, 2023 [7 favorites]


"They open the top of her head, gaze into her brain, and freak the heck out."

It's full of goop!
posted by Servo5678 at 9:20 AM on April 19, 2023 [7 favorites]


I liked Contagion anyway, but getting to see Goopy's head flayed was def part of the fun!
posted by supermedusa at 9:56 AM on April 19, 2023 [3 favorites]


rmd1023: "Goop and things like the fake boner pills and 'energy' stuff sold to super-right-wing podcast audiences both seem cut from the same cloth"

It's worse than you think.
posted by adamrice at 10:05 AM on April 19, 2023 [8 favorites]


I'm not sure what was going on with Boyfriends 1 and 2 and why that was thrown in here. Boyfriend 1 is gay, Boyfriend 2 is perfect, but she wants to throw him into the sea?!
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:12 AM on April 19, 2023 [3 favorites]


adamrice, I shouldn't be flabbergasted by this, but nevertheless I am: they're both selling colloidal silver, which is not only useless but has the side effect of making you look like an alien (and not one of the cool ones).
posted by Halloween Jack at 10:19 AM on April 19, 2023 [3 favorites]


but that doesn’t matter—even if someone thinks she’s done more harm than good, and that a lot of it is an upscale scam, they will comment, wearily, pragmatically, just a little bit enviously, that you have to respect it, don’t you, what she’s done

No, I absolutely do not have to respect what GP has done. I'd respect someone who started out with nothing and built a company that sells a decent quality, useful product, and I'd respect someone who built a company selling high quality and/or ingenious products that made people's lives better even if they had done so with inherited money, but I don't have to respect someone who was already wealthy and famous and who launched a company selling overpriced crap that often doesn't do what it's advertised, or is even harmful, purely to serve her own greed and narcissism.

Many Goop-affiliated “practitioners,” following a blond example, often see themselves as renegades, rebels, or “weirdos,” working outside the mainstream and gazing approvingly at, if not actually existing on, what they like to think of as the cutting edge.

A friend of mine (we were high school classmates and reconnected on Facebook five or six years ago) is one of the founders of an essential olis company in Canada and an anti-vaxxer, or at least a COVID anti-vaxxer. She and her five children are unvaccinated against COVID. She keeps posting about her stance on FB, about how she's "chosen personal sovereignty over collective fear", about how she's been "insulted and threatened and excluded by people who used to be friends" and how her "Purpose was never to comply but to withstand", about how her right to buy groceries and be with her child when they were in the hospital were interfered with because she was told she had to put on a mask to do so, how she's never going to forget how she's been treated, how her cooking from scratch with "pure" ingredients and exercise is keeping her family safe. I think she's invested in her anti-science position partially from financial interest (because, in her mind, if she can bring herself and her five children through a pandemic without vaccination, isn't that proof that the products and lifestyle she's selling are tremendously effective?) but also because she derives a lot of satisfaction from feeling like a "Freedom Warrier" and as though she's courageous and independent and oh so very right.

Honestly, the only reason I haven't at least muted her is that I have a morbid curiosity as to how she'll respond when COVID hits her household.

Thanks for this article. I actually perked up when I saw it on the front page, because I love the smell of a GP roast in the morning. Frustratingly, I was not able to read the whole thing, because my laptop froze up mid-read, and after an hour or so of trying to get my internet access to work again I had to reboot it, and now Harpers is saying I've read my two free articles this month and must subscribe to read this one, grrrr.
posted by orange swan at 11:07 AM on April 19, 2023 [4 favorites]


I'm not halfway through this piece and not sure that I'll finish--did we really need to know the names of all the other journalists and their partners?

I took that as a poke at the original David Foster Wallace article, which is probably the only magazine article I've read that would have benefited from a Cast of Characters insert.
posted by ZaphodB at 11:13 AM on April 19, 2023 [5 favorites]


I am about 1/3 of the way through this article and the boat has not even left the dock. Instead she has gone on about her personal entanglements, and an article David Foster Wallace wrote about how much he hated going on a cruise. I am not sure if this article is completely failing its main remit of telling a story about the time the author took a cruise she would have never taken without the magazine paying for it, or completely succeeding at it. It does sound like a pretty sweet deal if you are in a place where you don't have to worry about rent for a few months, sit your ass in a floating luxury hotel, have some fun, maybe hook up, maybe just enjoy being Offline for a few weeks, and all you gotta do in return is fill up a few pages of the magazine with something entertaining.

I am however kind of tempted to look up the sleep mask she mentions. I've been wanting one for a while.
posted by egypturnash at 12:32 PM on April 19, 2023 [4 favorites]


It does sound like a pretty sweet deal if you are in a place where you don't have to worry about rent for a few months, sit your ass in a floating luxury hotel, have some fun, maybe hook up, maybe just enjoy being Offline for a few weeks, and all you gotta do in return is fill up a few pages of the magazine with something entertaining.

Well, the cost-benefit ratio is up to the individual, but it's a 9 day cruise and the magazine in question previously published the ne plus ultra of cruise-panning articles. Frankly, I would turn down a free, boozy trip to LA if it meant I had to write a follow-up to Frank Sinatra Has a Cold.
posted by ZaphodB at 1:00 PM on April 19, 2023 [8 favorites]


It will never not make me sad that DFW turned out to be such a turd of a person.

Unrelated: the font for that article was incredibly bad and hard to read.
posted by grumpybear69 at 1:08 PM on April 19, 2023 [4 favorites]


Fun note: in the print edition of Harper's, this article is immediate followed by their "from the archives" feature: the David Foster Wallace cruise piece.
posted by petiteviolette at 1:27 PM on April 19, 2023 [5 favorites]


I'm not sure what was going on with Boyfriends 1 and 2 and why that was thrown in here. Boyfriend 1 is gay, Boyfriend 2 is perfect, but she wants to throw him into the sea?!
posted by jenfullmoon at 12:12 PM on April 19


I loved the stuff about Boyfriend 1 and 2, and am not entirely convinced they aren't constructs created to allow her to make arch commentary about the cruise. The whole thing with Boyfriend 2 being perfect but not wanting her sleep mask (so, not so perfect after all), and Boyfriend 1 immediately using the gift she gives him at the end, in juxtaposition to all the commentary about getting free things, and doing the cruise to get free things, but also being suspicious of the free things and the free things turning out to be not so great, and the very existence of cruises being unsustainable consumption... was just chef's kiss.
posted by joannemerriam at 1:31 PM on April 19, 2023 [6 favorites]


I only know Lauren Oyler from her takedown of Jia Tolentino in the LRB, and I'm mildly surprised to see that this is pretty much the kind of essay she was criticizing.

Because understanding and explaining a work or event is in most cases very easy, they can extract quick authority from the exercise and use the rest of their word count to reflect on whatever they please, often on life’s truths and mysteries, employing questionably relevant references and personal anecdotes.

If you can't beat them, join them?

Anyway, I'm searching up that sleep mask because the one I have now slides around my face and I need an sleep mask because I'm too minimalist to buy curtains.
posted by betweenthebars at 2:29 PM on April 19, 2023 [1 favorite]


This was so, so good. It ought to have been a hate read, but it was delicious. In other words, the opposite of Goop.
posted by Mchelly at 3:03 PM on April 19, 2023 [1 favorite]


You don't have to buy a Goop sleep mask to get the eye cups thing. Manta was I believe one of the first to do it. I have a Manta sleep mask and like it a lot except I have a tiny head so I have to position the eye cups close together - and when I sleep on my side the now-exposed velcro strip scratches my temple. It's possible newer models don't do this.

I really liked this piece. I like weird articles that don't really have as much of a point as you expected them to but are full of enjoyable language that bounces around your head.
posted by misskaz at 4:21 PM on April 19, 2023 [4 favorites]


This is a very good and fun article, which reminds me more of HST than DFW, as someone already mentioned. It also did nothing to change my opinion that "GP" and people like her are insidious cancers who at the very least should have their businesses shut down and be heavily fined for false advertising, if not outright sued for endangering people's lives.
posted by Joakim Ziegler at 6:59 PM on April 19, 2023 [6 favorites]


Without succumbing entirely to the seductions of analogy, you could say the situation with Boyfriend 2, who is, to quickly summarize, perfect, was not dissimilar from the idyllic free vacation that I was being paid to go on, in that despite all appeals to logic, emotional and physical health, and the opportunity to in one fell assignment produce a swashbuckling masterpiece of magazine journalism, conquer the sexist genre of wellness writing, and unite irony and sincerity once and for all, I would have preferred to be in Berlin smoking cigarettes.
…is Berlin the new Brooklyn?
This was a pretty great ripost to DFW, whose article I read in the original supplement. Thick paper, elaborate sentence structure and footnotes. Oh, this was a very very satisfying addition to the genre.
posted by From Bklyn at 10:02 PM on April 19, 2023


That is deliciously arch and dead on target, but the Boyfriends 1 & 2 angle seemed a bit weird to me also. Then again, in piece that keeps referring to That Other Cruise Ship piece in which the author certainly was not completely truthful and then ending with the bit about the deception tarot card and implying she could be making up parts also...
posted by blue shadows at 10:52 PM on April 19, 2023 [4 favorites]


Oh, I liked this a lot. Thanks for posting. Especially this

Many things ameliorate the feeling of endurance that I associate with living—men, art, food, drugs, smoking, looking at the ocean—but they don’t ever really make it go away. I can understand why someone might want to divide her time into “practices” that she can plan in advance and execute on the instruction of an expert guide. I can understand why people want to have frequent tearful epiphanies that fundamentally alter their perspective, inaugurating a new phase. The article notes that “focusing on time slows it down,” which is correct.
posted by Gorgik at 7:36 AM on April 20, 2023


> I am not sure if this article is completely failing its main remit of telling a story about the time the author took a cruise

I don't think that's the purpose of the piece.
posted by The corpse in the library at 7:54 AM on April 20, 2023 [9 favorites]


Thanks for this. I enjoyed it immensely. Then I read the dfw peice. Then I followed the thread down to frank Sinatra has a cold.....
posted by chasles at 5:49 PM on April 20, 2023 [1 favorite]


"a mind-boggling proportion of even those who don't like him still respect him for succeeding at capitalism."

It's not just capitalism.

There's a YouTube video of a very good tv interview with Lady Diana Mosley (wife of the 1930s British fascist leader Sir Oswald Mosley) from the 70s or 80s which makes it clear that she had abhorrent views. 90% of the comments underneath are people praising her ability to look and sound like the upper class person she is. To those people: no I do not have to respect that she has a classic RP accent and can put on a veneer of civility.
posted by plonkee at 1:18 AM on April 21, 2023 [2 favorites]


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