November 19, 2001

8:20 AM

CheckMate: The 5 Minute Semen Detection Test KitInfidelity? Cheating Spouse? Find out what's really going on, the quick and easy way, with the CHECKMATE 5 Minute Infidelity Test Kit. CHECKMATE is the only product of it's kind that can actually monitor your spouse's sexual activity outside of the relationship! Oh, boy. Where to start, where to start....
posted by adampsyche (22 comments total)

Ok, I'll start. The most obvious: if you need something like this to determine your spouse's (or significant other's) fidelity, your relationship has bigger problems...no? Would anyone in present company actually use this?
posted by adampsyche at 8:23 AM on November 19, 2001

No, but I would use their companion product, StaleMate, to see if the thrill has gone out of my marriage.
posted by gazingus at 8:26 AM on November 19, 2001

The most obvious: if you need something like this to determine your spouse's (or significant other's) fidelity, your relationship has bigger problems...no?

Well, sure, but that doesn't change the fact that millions do have such problems.

I think it's great--and hilarious! Presumably only useful for detection 50% of infidelities though, eh? I'm also betting it's a gag.
posted by rushmc at 8:41 AM on November 19, 2001

I am just waiting for the morons who actually use the test results in an argument.

"Well I know you cheated! This test is accurate for up to two years after you had sex!"

"I have had sex with YOU in the last two years haven't I?"

"Oh..."

The other 50% were probably women who were smart enough to use a condom.
posted by karaleah at 8:47 AM on November 19, 2001

Sorry to those who are easily offended/have queasy stomachs, but . . .

Cross contamination of all kinds of articles, with all manner of body products, occurs all the time. If you are a sexually active man, it wouldn't take much work to find semen in/on your car, kitchen counters, lightswitches, computer keyboard (work and home), remote control, etc.

Presence of semen alone isn't enough to prove sexual activity.
posted by yesster at 8:53 AM on November 19, 2001

Of course, who needs the test when you can just use the tell-tale signs ...
posted by darren at 8:54 AM on November 19, 2001

It also seems that this product is only good for sloppy cheaters, not withstanding the point made by yesster.
posted by adampsyche at 8:55 AM on November 19, 2001

Here's my favorite:

"Remember, after sex traces of semen are everywhere. Be creative in your search! "

Words fail me....
posted by Irontom at 9:15 AM on November 19, 2001

My Favourite:

Thank you so much. I ordered your kit and I found semen! My husband claims he mastu( you know what) but I feel justified with this to take our 4 kids and divorce him. This is great that you have this product.....now I can make his life hell.
Get Checkmate now!

Del Mar CA.

Spoon
posted by Spoon at 9:18 AM on November 19, 2001

Of course, who needs the test when you can just use the tell-tale signs ...

There's great stuffs in there too :

Your spouse gets very defensive if you mention infidelity or affairs.
Of course I would !

Your spouse has a low self-esteem.
You notice your spouse has a sense of confusion about self.
Err... I'm a geek/nerd, you know... Isn't that a reason enough to have a low-self-esteem ?

There is considerably less intimacy in your relationship. Your sex life is practically non-existent.
Spouse is suddenly more attentive than usual.
So, basically, whatever I do, I'm wrong...

Your spouse is dressing nicer, looking nicer.
You notice charges on credit card statement that don't make sense.
Duh...

You can't even get your mate to fight with you.
That's bad ? What is wrong with these guys ?

Your partner abandons religious faith.
Oh, well, you know, ever since she discovered sex...
posted by XiBe at 9:20 AM on November 19, 2001

Did you really have to say kitchen counters? I think I'll just have a glass of water for lunch now.

Hey... what's that on my keyboard?
posted by goto11 at 9:21 AM on November 19, 2001

Semen glows under ultraviolet light - if you want to freak yourself out, get a black light, and aim it toward your place of sexual activity.
posted by aladfar at 9:43 AM on November 19, 2001

sounds like it would work well for lesbian unfaithfulness.
posted by asok at 9:45 AM on November 19, 2001

"Honey, can you bend over for a second? I need to swab you."
posted by TiggleTaggleTiger at 10:06 AM on November 19, 2001

Yukarama
posted by Summer at 10:07 AM on November 19, 2001

aladfar: I don't think they'd let me bring an UV light into a zoo.
posted by Doug at 10:43 AM on November 19, 2001

aladfar: I don't think they'd let me bring an UV light into a zoo.
posted by Doug at 10:43 AM on November 19, 2001

Of course he might try to use excuses like masturbation, personal habits and hygiene etc. Everyone's situation is different...

According to her own situation, we believe a woman is smart enough to determine how semen got into his underwear after getting a positive test result.
posted by Zurishaddai at 10:47 AM on November 19, 2001

No, but I would use their companion product, StaleMate, to see if the thrill has gone out of my marriage.

I discovered the identity of my girlfriend's next-to-last lover with AntePenUltiMate^tm.
posted by Shadowkeeper at 11:33 AM on November 19, 2001

Would you really feel better if you found out this way? I mean, what happened to the good old days of hiring a PI, or leavin a tape recorder taped to the bottom of the bed?
posted by ezfowler at 12:46 PM on November 19, 2001

Whatever happened to not cheating....
posted by adampsyche at 12:51 PM on November 19, 2001

Yeah, sure, but not masturbating?? For chicks its a pleasant hobby, but you know as well as I do that we have to do it. It's part of our lifestyle.

Doug: dude, it's not the heavy petting zoo you mutt. Hands off the lesser species.
posted by UncleFes at 12:57 PM on November 19, 2001