Grief is Not an Exclusive Club

August 16, 2023 12:58 PM

Adults have spent years immersed in our culture’s troubled relationship with death. We may not like the various boundaries this relationship imposes, but we have been conditioned to accept them. For children, it’s different. from Notes from Grief Camp by Mitchell Consky [The Walrus; ungated]
posted by chavenet (13 comments total)

This is an amazing article. QFT and to remind myself:

This is where grievers believe that if they feel the full intensity of their bereavement, they are going to get swallowed whole and remain stuck. The irony is that this fear of getting stuck becomes the real trap.

posted by lookoutbelow at 1:07 PM on August 16, 2023 [7 favorites]

I'm in my early 40s and both my parents have died, my mom last summer and my dad about 10 years ago. I miss them both every day. Grief has been a reliable constant for me the last 14 months--and an irregular visitor the entire previous decade. I found out about one of these camps near me earlier this summer. It was already too late to think about getting involved but the idea has stuck with me all summer. I've considered participating next year but I hesitate because I'm an introverted single person and I don't spend much time around kids. This article 1) made me cry a little 2) convinced me to be ready to volunteer next summer. Thanks.
posted by os tuberoes at 1:44 PM on August 16, 2023 [15 favorites]

This was beautiful. Thank you.

After my dad died, I realized that there a lot of people in the world carrying that grief. And then after my mom died, I realized how much that hidden grief has shaped so many people I know and throughout history. It's made me decide to be kinder to those around me and to myself, because hurt and loss touches everyone and you have no idea how someone is coping.

And yes, you can be happy and joyous even after the people who made you a person aren't here. It just comes with better understanding of how to love those that are left.
posted by teleri025 at 1:53 PM on August 16, 2023 [6 favorites]

A 2019 survey conducted by online medical resource WebMD found that those experiencing grief often feel rushed to “get over it.” Nearly three-quarters of all respondents had grieved a death within the past three years, and a little more than half said they felt expected to “move on” soon after, often as early as three months following the loss.

Hi, this is my childhood.
posted by Halloween Jack at 2:30 PM on August 16, 2023 [7 favorites]

Thank you for posting, this is helpful.
posted by winesong at 2:58 PM on August 16, 2023 [2 favorites]

Very good and moving article.

It hit me straight on. My father died this summer. He was 91; long life. I'm 57. This is hitting me, well, as TFA says,

armouring my mind against the pain

Yes, and it's complicated, so more armoring still.

What I'm doing instead of mourning is work, every day, long days, because that's what needs to be done to keep my family going. I hope I can throttle this back over the next few months and allow grieving, before grief acts on its own.
posted by doctornemo at 5:42 PM on August 16, 2023 [5 favorites]

This is lovely.

I want a grieving camp for myself.
posted by samthemander at 7:13 PM on August 16, 2023 [4 favorites]

"Getting over it". Yeah, that doesn't happen.

We lost our second child, stillborn at full term. And we will never get over it.

But eventually, you aren't crying every day about it. Only when you think about it or are somehow reminded of it. And all three of our other kids who came after wouldn't be here as they are had he not died. Which is pretty heavy to think about, because all those kids are awesome.

Death sucks. Wish we could figure out how to deal with that, but, seems to come for everyone.
posted by Windopaene at 8:51 PM on August 16, 2023 [9 favorites]

I'm sorry to hear that, Windopaene. And all the griefs above, my condolences. I have so much more capacity to hear others' grief now...

I lost my oldest son at 19 due to suicide not quite two years ago. There are moments of profound realization that I will never be over it; weeks of existential - not even numbness - something more alien - blankness - and just as confoundingly - totally normal days. I never know which is coming next. I've actually been looking for a "Grief camp for adults" but have not yet found anything quite right...
posted by carlodio at 9:16 PM on August 16, 2023 [7 favorites]

It gets better.

But it never goes away.

So sorry for your loss. I can't imagine.

And yes, the normal days feel weird. Until it hits and you remember.
posted by Windopaene at 9:20 PM on August 16, 2023 [5 favorites]

My dad died 41 years ago from leukemia. I was 8. It still sneaks up around the corner and smacks me upside the head. I watch any sort of kid movie with a "dead dad" theme and it comes running right in.

And I don't remember a lot from my childhood, but I remember standing there in our dining room with my mom telling us that he had died. I, being 8, burst into tears, as one does. My grandfather, a stoic old New England professor type, leaned down and told me that I needed to stop crying because I had to be the man of the house now.

Yeah, that one memory explains a few things about me. Death sucks, What the hell do you do with all this anger/rage/pain/numbness/loss of control/etc.
posted by drewbage1847 at 10:43 PM on August 16, 2023 [8 favorites]

I had a long conversation with my 72yo mom about grief the other day. We both still struggle with it many years after our respective losses. I was saying that the paradox of grief is that when you eventually start to sometimes feel "okay" it comes with or from a feeling of being distant from the person, but then when the window to grief unexpectedly opens again, it's raw and excruciating but wonderful also because that's when you can feel close to them again. So when people try to rush you out of grieving, what they're doing is trying to rip you away from the last shreds you have of them, the tiny last bits that will be gone soon enough, and it feels horribly cruel. We both agree that the best thing you can do for a grieving person is to just be with them and see their grief and acknowledge it as legitimate.
posted by HotToddy at 7:16 AM on August 17, 2023 [8 favorites]

My brother died, in his mid-50s, at the end of 2021. Something I really appreciated in this piece was the acknowledgement that grief doesn’t necessarily take on a preconfigured form that is universal for everyone. For me, the worst part was learning his death was imminent, which maybe softened the blow when he actually passed a couple days later.

After he died my work very kindly told me to “take us much time as I needed” before returning, but I was anxious to get back to a normal routine as soon as I could. I didn’t see much value in just sitting around twiddling my thumbs being sad.

At the same time, I don’t know that I’ll ever really “get over it”, if that means not being upset he’s no longer around. It’s not debilitating, I’ve had many moments of joy and cool life experiences since he died, but I still think about him all the time, it’s still weird not to receive his phone calls regularly, I’m don’t miss him any less now than I did a year ago.
posted by The Gooch at 10:36 AM on August 17, 2023 [6 favorites]