September 18, 2002

9:54 AM

The Black Belt TV Network.An L.A.- based producer is trying to create a new 24-hour martial arts TV channel airing nothing but kung-fu movies, kung-fu tournaments, Kung-Fu the series, and cartoons where the characters are doing kung-fu. Say producer Larry Kasanoff, "We want to do the same thing for the martial arts that MTV did for music," a line that merits numerous possible responses so obvious I'm not going to touch them with a ten-foot kendo stick.
posted by XQUZYPHYR (54 comments total)

Oh how I'd love to see them run nothing but ads for Jhoon Rhee. "Nobody bother me." "Nobody bother me either!"
posted by machaus at 10:01 AM on September 18, 2002

*insert badly dubbed comment here*
posted by jonmc at 10:06 AM on September 18, 2002

Bruce Lee: Ideas are the beginning of all achievement. (Gracias Miguel)

That would be awesome.
posted by gottabefunky at 10:06 AM on September 18, 2002

Dear Lord,

I don't ask for much, really. But if you could make it possible for Charter Cable to carry this new station in the future, it'd be much appreciated.

Thanks from down here,
Reg
posted by Reggie452 at 10:09 AM on September 18, 2002

sweet. I want to see lots of Sonny Chiba and also the Five Deadly Venoms.
posted by stifford at 10:10 AM on September 18, 2002

I've wondered for a long time why they don't have any (non-boxing) martial arts events on tv while they have bowling, billiards, strongman, fucking fishing, and a whole channel devoted to golf. Obviously there are a lot of martial arts movies on, but you can't have too many. :) I'd love that channel.
posted by callmejay at 10:13 AM on September 18, 2002

Four words: Hong Kong Phooey Marathon.
posted by NedKoppel at 10:20 AM on September 18, 2002

jonmc: *insert badly dubbed comment here*

*several posts later, Jon's lips move*
posted by ZachsMind at 10:23 AM on September 18, 2002

If nothing else, such a channel would bring to the public's attention the under-reported and tragic epidemic of homicide committed against kung-fu masters. It just leads to a tragic cycle of violence as the master's pupil must avenge the master, thereby killing more masters and making more pupils into kung-fu orphans.

re: the channel - Sign me up!
posted by poseur at 10:25 AM on September 18, 2002

I'm also picturing Carradine doing a promo,

"You must not change channel, grasshopper..."
posted by jonmc at 10:28 AM on September 18, 2002

fucking fishing

Trust me, you don't want this channel.
posted by Skot at 10:28 AM on September 18, 2002

Hell yeah! I'd give my left nut to get this channel. And, the next time I was with a woman, and she screams "oh my god, you only have one nut!" I would respond, with stunning poise, "I gave it to kung-fu!"
posted by Dark Messiah at 10:30 AM on September 18, 2002

Now if it were karen mok instead of carradine, i would be tempted...
posted by i blame your mother at 10:31 AM on September 18, 2002

*snarf*- thanks Skot!

My question is, will it be all crappy Americanized stuff, or the real deal?
posted by JoanArkham at 10:34 AM on September 18, 2002

This is true! A kung fu channel must be strong and not devolve into endless repeats of American Ninja 3!

I show my support for this channel by only speaking in exclamations!
posted by furiousthought at 10:38 AM on September 18, 2002

Shirts will be torn off. Beaches will be fought upon. Strangely high-pitched voices will be used for dubbing henchmen. Drunken Monkey Boxing Style will be employed, to the amazement of peasant onlookers.

Ass, indeed, will be kicked.
posted by Kafkaesque at 10:49 AM on September 18, 2002

fucking fishing

Trust me, you don't want this channel.

Unless, of course, you're this guy.
posted by jonmc at 10:51 AM on September 18, 2002

nothing but kung-fu movies, kung-fu tournaments, Kung-Fu the series, and cartoons where the characters are doing kung-fu
The martial arts aren't limited to Kung-Fu. It will be interesting if they toss in some real practitioners.
posted by rotifer at 10:51 AM on September 18, 2002

VINCENT: So if you're quitting the life, what'll you do?

JULES: That's what I've been sitting here contemplating. First, I'm gonna deliver this case to Marsellus. Then, basically, I'm gonna walk the earth.

VINCENT: What do you mean, walk the earth?

JULES: You know, like Caine in "KUNG FU." Just walk from town to town, meet people, get in adventures.

(I've had this on my mind recently)

I would watch a Kung Fu channel all day and all night. I would pay for it like a premium channel. It is the greatest. idea. ever.
posted by eyeballkid at 10:57 AM on September 18, 2002

rotifer: correct me if I'm wrong, but don't tournaments often involve more than just one martial art?
posted by Dark Messiah at 11:32 AM on September 18, 2002

"Everybody was..." never mind, let's just get the channel on!
posted by Bag Man at 11:34 AM on September 18, 2002

The range of martial arts is quite diverse; "kung fu" is a generic term referring to a group of Chinese martial arts.

This channel could be way cool. I would really enjoy watching some of the tournaments that go on. The best I can hope for at the moment is ESPN's kickboxing coverage, and maybe a little UFC action. I would love to have access to more diverse competitions--tae kwon do, Brazilian jiu-jitsu, judo... bring it on.


And yeah, I guess the movies would be good too.

"Okay Comcast. I'll trade you all the garbage between channels 39 and 53 for the Black Belt channel. Deal?"
posted by Galvatron at 11:44 AM on September 18, 2002

From the article: "We want to do the same thing for the martial arts that MTV did for music,"

Wait - that's not good. He wants to ruin martial arts.

booo.
posted by jaded at 12:04 PM on September 18, 2002

Messiah: Not always. Mostly, it's the "most dangerous man in the world" type competitions that involve multiple martial arts. Most other major tournaments, like those run by the ITF are single style tournaments.
posted by Yelling At Nothing at 12:11 PM on September 18, 2002

callmejay - "I've wondered for a long time why they don't have any (non-boxing) martial arts events on tv..."

Ultimate Fighting Championship is back on pay-per-view. Of course, I'd love it if it came on a regular channel rather than pay-per-view.
posted by tdismukes at 12:29 PM on September 18, 2002

I'm not going to touch them with a ten-foot kendo stick.

You'd have better luck with a naginata.
posted by emmling at 12:35 PM on September 18, 2002

That's funny, your lips are moving, but none of the words seem to match!

I'm really waiting for the 24 hour anime channel...
posted by TCMITS at 12:45 PM on September 18, 2002

This is the last thing I need (yesterday I watched The King Boxer, The Prodigal Boxer and Crack Shadow Boxers). But I'd be all over it. Here in Toronto we actually get a fair amount of kung fu on TV but a) not everyone is so lucky and b) there's still a market for the more recent kung fu stuff, that rarely gets to TV and can't be found in non-specialty video rental places. And yeah, some real tournaments would be dope. And how about a little capoeira thrown in, just for kicks? (har har)
posted by D at 12:54 PM on September 18, 2002

When oh When will they be able to take 15 bucks from me a month and give me the fifteen channels that I want? Whenever that happens, I'll get my cable hooked up (and maybe buy a TV that's larger than 13"). Until then, I'm still gonna mooch off of my friends.
posted by Ufez Jones at 1:14 PM on September 18, 2002

The martial arts aren't limited to Kung-Fu. It will be interesting if they toss in some real practitioners.

Hey rotifer-- don't make me get up out of my 36th chamber.
posted by footballrabi at 1:41 PM on September 18, 2002

ALL HAIL LORD GALVATRON!!
Your fellow decepticons wait for your next order...
posted by Dreamghost at 1:41 PM on September 18, 2002

I'm really waiting for the 24 hour anime channel...

*weeps in ecstasy at the thought*
posted by eyeballkid at 1:43 PM on September 18, 2002

Yes, then the 24-hour anime channel could have a non-stop marathon of every episode of DragonBall Z... they'd call the marathon November.
posted by XQUZYPHYR at 1:51 PM on September 18, 2002

Oh dear. On one hand I've practiced martial arts all my life and would love such a dedicated channel. On the other hand, I can't help but fear the cheesy, thuggish Mortal Kombat-esque treatment such a venture would likely recieve here in the States. "MTV for martial arts"... *shudder*
posted by PsychoKick at 2:04 PM on September 18, 2002

Man, you come right out of a comic book.
posted by thomcatspike at 2:12 PM on September 18, 2002

tdismukes: there were a few UFC broadcasts on the Fox Sports Network recently. I would have missed them if it weren't for the joy that is TiVo. Perhaps there will be more shows in upcoming months. (Speaking of UFC, is anyone else a bit upset with the addition of WWF/WWE-style pyrotechnics? I miss the early tournaments.)

Dreamghost: I order you to report immediately to Decepticon headquarters on Cybertron. There you will be given a new username that is better suited to striking fear in the circuits of your foes.
posted by Galvatron at 2:19 PM on September 18, 2002

Oh I would SO love this. I still remember watching kung-fu movies at 3 PM Saturdays on Channel 5 in New York when I was a kid.

Forget about Iron Chef...I want my Kung-Fu TV!
posted by PeteyStock at 2:20 PM on September 18, 2002

PeteyStock: Amen to that, those were great. Screw Saturday afternoon sunshine - let's watch kung fu!
posted by gottabefunky at 2:34 PM on September 18, 2002

Galvatron - I knew about the Fox broadcasts, but had to miss them due to my schedule. I have no TiVo. :(

"(Speaking of UFC, is anyone else a bit upset with the addition of WWF/WWE-style pyrotechnics? I miss the early tournaments.)"

I presume you mean the fanfare as the fighters make their entrances. The UFC has had that for a while, and the Pride championships has even more. It's not really to my taste, but a lot of people seem to like it. Overall, I like the UFC now better than in the beginning, because the fighters have evolved to a much higher skill level. In the beginning, only a few competitors really knew how to handle that kind of a fighting environment. Now the level of skill and knowledge is way higher. As a practitioner of muay thai & jujutsu, I learn a lot from watching world-class competitors.
posted by tdismukes at 2:47 PM on September 18, 2002

I so want this to happen. My son is getting sick of watching Deadly China Hero over and over again with me.
posted by adampsyche at 2:49 PM on September 18, 2002

I think this would tip the balance for me to actually getting cable again, it's that exciting. Should I write a testimonial?

Ufez: hell yeah, I am so waiting for them to come out with "Cable a la Carte." See, I even made a catchy name up for them! Now can I order UPN, the Sci-Fi network, Cartoon Network and Comedy Central and the hell with the rest?
posted by hilatron at 3:10 PM on September 18, 2002

We want to do the same thing for the martial arts that MTV did for music

Reminds me of a Dennis Miller rant: "MTV is celebrating its twentieth anniversary. And in-between episodes of Celebrity Death Match and re-runs of Road Rules they will be holding a contest to see if anyone remembers what the 'M' stands for!" (Quote from memory, probably not exact.)
posted by quarantine at 3:38 PM on September 18, 2002

hell yeah, I am so waiting for them to come out with "Cable a la Carte."

I was under the impression -- from some dimly, vaguely remembered cite years ago -- that there was some industry justification for the "standard package" deal. Like, the primo bucks from some of the few big channels are used to push the financing of various other smaller channels, and that there was some alleged delicate balance in the distribution of channels, thusly. Or something.

Or am I remembering a dream? Rough translation: any badass MeFi linkmonkey want to show off and href something to verify/nullify?

And, yeah, regardless, I can't wait for a la carte to happen, either. I am so not subscribing to cable as it is.
posted by cortex at 4:05 PM on September 18, 2002

A "kendo stick," by the way, is often referred to as a shinai. Because, you know, that's what it's called. ;)

I, also, would pay to see some actual martial arts. Christ, maybe some shoot fighting from Japan. That'd be excellent.
posted by kavasa at 4:13 PM on September 18, 2002

Hmm.. if this includes all martial arts, how about showing tai-chi in the late evening or early morning to help insomniacs fall asleep?
posted by rowell at 5:40 PM on September 18, 2002

Why, when MTV foots the bill already?
posted by Dark Messiah at 6:03 PM on September 18, 2002

A channel dedicated to the martial arts mastery of pasty Chuck Norris and his wonder-Mustache...um, no thanks. (BTW, Chuck Norris is the Garth Brooks of martial arts.)
posted by jacknose at 6:42 PM on September 18, 2002

and the world will finally see... chinese super ninja..... PART TWOOOOOOOO!!!
posted by lotsofno at 7:21 PM on September 18, 2002

I watch about one hours television a week, But assuming this isn't JUST kung-fu, Hell, I would also give my left nut for this channel. Mind you, the last thing I need is something interesting I can watch for hours at end no matter how late it is. Lucky this is going on in America or I can kiss six out of seven hours sleep a night goodbye.
posted by Dillonlikescookies at 11:09 PM on September 18, 2002

Speaking of UFC, is anyone else a bit upset with the addition of WWF/WWE-style pyrotechnics? I miss the early tournaments.

While it hasn't always successfully straddled the fine line between a dramatic, exciting presentation and pro-wrestling style theatrics, the UFC is doing the right thing by jazzing up its format to attract new viewers. Let's face it, all professional sports are just highly-packaged entertainment programming at the end of the day.

Personally I don't really care for chop-socky action flicks (from the West or the East), but a programming diet comprised of martial-arts documentaries, demonstrations and competitions would be just the ticket. Japan already has its version of this, called Samurai TV.
posted by plenty at 2:22 AM on September 19, 2002

English-language directing debut of Yuen Wo Ping ("Iron Monkey"): Snow White and the Seven Shao Lin
posted by Dean King at 9:06 AM on September 19, 2002

I really wish I'd had this link yesterday.
posted by NedKoppel at 9:35 AM on September 19, 2002

As a practitioner of muay thai & jujutsu
- tdismukes

So what other martial arts do people here participate in?

I do kendo.
posted by emmling at 12:17 PM on September 19, 2002

So what other martial arts do people here participate in?

Tae kwon do (ITF style). I'm testing for my black belt on 9/28. *crosses fingers*

I'm hoping to broaden my skill set with some Brazilian jiu-jitsu at some point in the future.
posted by Galvatron at 1:18 AM on September 20, 2002