All you have to be is a human being, Haunted. That’s success.

May 1, 2021 10:43 PM

Haunted wrote to Ask Polly: 'I feel like a ghost. I’m a 35-year-old woman, and I have nothing to show for it.' Heather Havrilesky, as Polly responded: It’s okay to be in debt and worried. It’s okay to feel lonely and lost. It’s okay to feel tired of trying. It’s okay to want more and wonder how to get it. You’re just a human, this is how we feel a lot. It’s not irregular or aberrant to feel despair. This is part of survival. Your shame is forming your despair into a merciless story about your worth. Don’t let it do that. Build something else from your shame instead.
posted by Thella (11 comments total)

Can someone please tell the millennials "middle age" is most certainly 50 (in ten years maybe it will be 55?), and that age 30 can be a mental state (if that's something someone would like).

Sweet article.
posted by firstdaffodils at 11:25 PM on May 1, 2021

Sorry to let you know, but this seems like a double.
posted by cendawanita at 11:28 PM on May 1, 2021 [1 favorite]

We live in a world where every super talented actor, musician, writer, athlete, etc, can be seen or heard by almost everyone. When we are surrounded by the best in all the things, how can we possibly measure up them? We possibly even personally know or have met people who have achieved a level of success that most of us will never reach. And sometime in life we will hit the realization that we may never will.

A long while ago, I too felt the shame of not being accomplished especially in art and music. I was fortunate to meet and become friends with many extremely talented musicians while I was a radio DJ for 20 years. I discovered that even the artists with millions of records sales felt nearly as unconfident with their level of success as I did. There is always someone at a higher level. Talking to a Reggae star many years ago, we talked about feeling unsatisfied with our achievements. He felt like he had struggled over 30 years to get to the top, but even though he had financial success, he never got to record the music he really wanted because he was stuck making music that would sell. He also assured me that I was needed by all the artists to listen to them, come to their shows, buy their music, and show them love. All the workaday people are needed to hold the top up. He told me that not every person can perform at a worldclass level, but the people who listen and love are who those artists are performing for.

I am still small in the scheme of things, but I also have found a value in listening, and reading, and sharing the love of the art. Hanging around MetaFilter for so many years has shown me that though I am not as educated and articulate as many MeFites are, I get a great deal of inspiration and good feels from y'all. Boo!
posted by a humble nudibranch at 11:29 PM on May 1, 2021 [13 favorites]

She is really good. I guess I'm about her age, and I've learned some of the same lessons she imparts here, but she puts them so much more eloquently and beautifully.
posted by Artifice_Eternity at 12:19 AM on May 2, 2021

I loved this column so much, including this part: When you face your shame with an open heart, you’re on a path to art, on a path to finding joy and misery and fear and hope in the folds of your day. The whole thing is so wise. Thanks for posting, OP.
posted by Bella Donna at 1:45 AM on May 2, 2021 [1 favorite]

Yep it's a double with https://www.metafilter.com/177962/Inhabit-yourself
It didn't come up as a conflict in my preview because The Cut changed their article address since the original post, and the link Cendawanita posted suggesting it was a double didn't work for me because it was missing the 'www'.

Mods delete please.
posted by Thella at 2:02 AM on May 2, 2021 [2 favorites]

FWIW, I think it's fine to discuss again, particularly in light of the past year's impact of people's financial stability, friendships, and creativity.
posted by Candleman at 2:38 AM on May 2, 2021 [3 favorites]

As a 55 year old woman, I'm jumping in to say that a) its nice to hear that 50 or 55 is middle aged now, however b) women's biology makes them start thinking differently by their mid thirties if only due to the nature of the upcoming physical changes that permit or prevent certain life changing decisions eg. pregnancy and birth.
posted by infini at 2:53 AM on May 2, 2021 [4 favorites]

I did not see this two years ago and I vote that we keep it and have a nice discussion. That is all.
posted by Bella Donna at 3:00 AM on May 2, 2021 [3 favorites]

I needed to read this. Thank you for sharing. There's something I'm struggling to articulate, that some of the most important lessons have to be lived through to be learned. I can hear, or read the wise words, but don't really understand them until I've struggled my way through the messy, slow process of matching them to my day to day experience, over and over again until their meaning comes into focus. A lot of this article's advice feels like that, wise words that I'm still busy processing and can't quite understand yet.
posted by Zumbador at 3:45 AM on May 2, 2021 [1 favorite]

This was hard to read. 35 was a pivotal year for me, and it could have easily left me in exactly the same position of this letter writer. I gambled on a major life decision and instead put down roots where I still am, 10 years later. I consider myself very, very lucky to be where I am today. But it was really a last minute stroke of good fortune and it could have been so different.
posted by exquisite_deluxe at 4:04 AM on May 2, 2021 [2 favorites]