Digital Distortions

June 29, 2021 2:32 PM

Reflections on Zoom and Body Dysmorphia
posted by latkes (50 comments total)

I think it's really telling about society and stereotypes that when I reached the end of the article I was surprised to find the author's name is Adam.
posted by freethefeet at 4:27 PM on June 29, 2021 [15 favorites]

That was really good, thanks.
posted by Joe in Australia at 4:27 PM on June 29, 2021 [1 favorite]

I was genuinely startled by what a difference the “mirror video” option made to my use of videoconferencing tools, to at least show me myself as I’m used to seeing myself in the mirror, and not as the camera sees me. It was the difference between recognizing myself and seeing unsettling weird, misshapen doppelgänger me all the time.

But I guess the me everyone else in the world is used to seeing is the one I find so bizarre? I remain shocked that the “mirror” option is “mirror it for both me and everyone else”, not “show me myself mirrored but send the usual image to everyone else”, which would be just the easiest and most natural thing to do - “show people themselves, and others, how they are used to seeing both”. Humanizing software is hard, I guess.
posted by mhoye at 4:46 PM on June 29, 2021 [21 favorites]

In my mind I look like a curvier Cate Blanchett. In Zoom, I’m a ginger-adjacent Jabba the Hutt. I’m comforted by the the thought that the reality is somewhere in between.
posted by thivaia at 4:57 PM on June 29, 2021 [30 favorites]

Everyone turn off self viewwww!!! I use it for 10 seconds to make sure I don't have any boogers then off my self view goes.

It's so liberating and I have so much more energy after a zoom call. It doesn't seem like it can possibly be healthy to have hours of conversations a day as if my conversation partner is perching a mirror on their shoulder, reflecting my face back at me.
posted by Uncle Glendinning at 5:05 PM on June 29, 2021 [45 favorites]

Uncle Glendinning, thank you for that link. I keep forgetting to look up how to do that, but it sounds easy enough I might remember next time I'm on camera. I don't mind seeing myself tiny when there are a lot of people on, but when it's just me and the other person it's pretty rough.

Every time I see myself on Zoom I am disconcertingly reminded that my face, particularly my jawline, is rather unattractively asymmetrical. Which is odd because I don't notice it when I'm looking in a mirror, even when I'm looking for it.

I got off of my Zoom therapy session today thinking about all the unused skin care products I have on hand, maybe need to dig those out and start slapping them on once in a while; and also thinking about making a derm appointment to have her look at some of these little scaly patches and maybe see what she thinks about Retin-A or something. I never thought of myself as a "procedure" type of person but I might be tempted by some Botox in my "elevens" if it were a bit cheaper and longer lasting. And maybe price out a whitening treatment at the dentist...

So uh, yeah... I guess I can relate to the article.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 5:21 PM on June 29, 2021 [1 favorite]

The best function of zoom is the option called "Hide self view", so I don't see myself, just the others.
I find it makes it much easier to exist in this strange non-place of a conference – watching the distorted webcam image of what should apparently be 'me' made me feel weirdly disconnected from the scene, similar to hearing the echo of my voice on the phone.

A few year ago I wrote a script that would take a photograph of me every time I open the lid of my laptop. The individual pictures are horrible, I look tired, overly concentrated and of course I don't smile at my laptop. The aligned mix of the last 150 photographs looks quite acceptable, and is then uploaded daily to the 'about' section of my website.

Sometimes I feel like the images I construct of others are a similar blended mix of last 150 facial expressions, making others appear idealized. While at the same time I sense an strong displeasure every time my observed facial expression mismatches my idea of what my current facial expression looks like.
posted by javanlight at 5:25 PM on June 29, 2021 [22 favorites]

One advantage to my vision problems is that I kind of use my zoom image to make sure I am sitting reasonably upright, then I don’t really look at it, since I don’t look at most of the screens. Maybe that’s why I actually like zoom meetings; it’s not obvious when I tune out everyone’s face.
posted by GenjiandProust at 5:37 PM on June 29, 2021 [3 favorites]

I am too a “turn off self view” evangelist. It’s sooo much better — you feels a lot more like you are just existing and interacting instead of performing. I desperately wish FaceTime and other vid call tools had the option! I’ve considered tracking down some material of the correct stickiness thst I could keep on the back of my phone and then unstick and apply on my screen to hide my self view on those apps. Still a good idea.

Imo the ideal “self view” is a box that shows where you’re framed in your lil box only but doesn’t show your actual video. Or even shows nothing but warns you when you’re getting outside the frame.
posted by wemayfreeze at 6:35 PM on June 29, 2021 [4 favorites]

I’m autistic and I love self-view. It’s a way for me to check my facial expressions and posture to see how I’m presenting, which I often have difficulty with in person. Remember that not everyone engages with the world the same way. :)
posted by curious nu at 6:48 PM on June 29, 2021 [51 favorites]

also autistic & find monitoring myself from the outside mentally exhausting, like I can feel the cognitive cycles freeing up when I click off the self-view, so definitely your mileage may vary

been really bothered, like excessively bothered, by my jawline having changed shape to lumpier over the past couple years, like it was the loadbearing part of my face & now I am an unfuckable gremlin whose only purpose, based on appearance, is knowing where to get flan at 3 AM

started playing around with vtuber stuff & realized 1) vtubing is basically The Girl Who Was Plugged In by James Tiptree Jr. except not physical bodies YET
2) if there's ever an angle you don't wanna see your face from it's the one the LeapMotion camera visualizer shows you, just riiiiiiight under that ol' triple chin, YIKES

still, my self-concept is way closer to this prototype avatar I made who has fucked-up inside mouth colors & only three chunks of hair than it is to the actual flesh thing I live in & idk what to do with that

it's possible humans were just never intended to look at ourselves this much?
posted by taquito sunrise at 7:18 PM on June 29, 2021 [17 favorites]

it's possible humans were just never intended to look at ourselves this much?

Well, silvered mirrors weren’t really available until ~150 years ago, so historically most humans have never seen themselves with any clarity. I suspect everyone reading these words can picture the face of William Shakespeare or George Washington with considerably more accuracy than they ever did themselves.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 7:52 PM on June 29, 2021 [16 favorites]

I'm not very observant about facial features so when I look in the mirror, I don't really notice ways my face is different from other people's, but using Zoom and having my face next to a lot of other faces, it was like seeing myself for the first time. "Oh my nose is like that." "Oh, it's so obvious now how my eyebrows are different.

I didn't find the experience distressing, except it felt weird how often I'd looked at my face and never really seen it. "How have I not seen that before?"
posted by straight at 8:19 PM on June 29, 2021 [1 favorite]

I know I'm pretty bald. Looking in the mirror hides that from me to a fair extent, since it's mostly to top back that is totally gone. The placement of the cam on this computer makes sure in any conference call that my baldness is brought back front-and-center for my attention.
posted by maxwelton at 9:33 PM on June 29, 2021 [2 favorites]

My only zoom things have been my soccer team's " Virtual Pub nights", hosted by a former team member who has a unlimited zoom account, and who moved away 5 years ago. And we restart next week, so we will abandon him...

Harsh.

Good luck moving into the new new normal all..
posted by Windopaene at 10:02 PM on June 29, 2021

Videoconference compression hides my acne and acne scars. I feel better about my appearance than I have in years. I stopped wearing my glasses for multiple years as a teen to achieve this same effect inasmuch as I could avoid seeing my own reflection in high resolution. But videoconference has given me the gift of having everyone else see me that way too. I'm going to miss that aspect of it a lot.

Also nobody knows I'm short yet since I've never met most of my colleagues.
posted by potrzebie at 11:48 PM on June 29, 2021 [12 favorites]

Rather than being dysmorphic, my experience has been positive, much like @potrzebie's. I had a bad breakout in the middle of the pandemic, and thanks to Zoom's built-in filters, nobody could tell. It was amazing. I am also careful to not be at the mercy of my laptop's default up-the-nose, triple-chin-creating camera angles -- my home office has a laptop stand that positions it slightly above me, for the maximally-flattering camera angle. If I'm working somewhere else, I'll stack books or boxes to get that effect. (Plus, it's better ergonomically to put the screen higher and use an external keyboard + mouse!)

I am absolutely unable to follow the advice to turn off the self-view; I'm way more self-conscious when I know I'm being watched but don't know how I'm presenting myself. So, in addition to trying that, I recommend playing with your setup a bit to see if filters/lights/camera angles can make you look more like how you picture yourself at your best.
posted by Metasyntactic at 12:19 AM on June 30, 2021 [6 favorites]

I appreciate the range of experiences we have.

It's impossible for me to turn off the self view either Metaayntactic. I found moving from a laptop to an external (more positionable) webcam helped a lot though.

No if only I could make my hair lie flat at the back..
posted by Braeburn at 12:28 AM on June 30, 2021 [2 favorites]

The standard social media avatar among young millennials is to take a picture of oneself taking a picture of oneself. I guess eventually that'll change to a picture of oneself taking a picture of oneself taking a picture of oneself.
posted by Cardinal Fang at 1:03 AM on June 30, 2021 [1 favorite]

somebody needs to update that ancient New Yorker cartoon to "On the internet, everybody knows you're a dog," and they need to do a better job with it than this one

this being the idea, I guess...
posted by chavenet at 1:09 AM on June 30, 2021

My face looks much more red and blotchy on camera than in a mirror or in my brain. For one meeting I cranked the saturation way down in the camera driver and just presented in black and white. Other times I've kept the lighting really low.

Lighting does make a pretty big difference. I generally find I have to turn off the overhead room light and bounce a desk lamp off the corner behind the camera.
posted by Foosnark at 4:18 AM on June 30, 2021 [2 favorites]

The ridiculous "here's a picture of me looking at my phone in the mirror!" aesthetic is the reason I don't use mirror video in Zoom (and I agree the software should be smart enough to show you a mirror image while showing everyone else a normal image.) I'm pretty self-conscious about my giant dome and my apparent inability to hold my head straight instead of at some slightly cockeyed angle even though the angle seems natural to me, but I use that self-view in Zoom to train myself.

I have back-to-back Zoom meetings today from 10 to 4, so today will be a good day to practice.
posted by emelenjr at 5:05 AM on June 30, 2021

As a 56 year old person working in tech, seeing all those young faces in a Zoom window really drives home how much this industry is not a place for 'old' folks like me. It's rare that I'm working with anyone who's within a decade of my age; typically my co-workers are younger than my son. My bald head and soft, jowly face stands out in a sea of eager shiny ones.
posted by octothorpe at 6:11 AM on June 30, 2021 [6 favorites]

There is a reason why, for everything but work calls, I use SnapCamera filters to notably adjust my appearance. If I've given myself devil horns and red sclera or a fedora and a fake goatee I can still look at myself to occasionally check my posture and position without the whole "why is there a horrid flesh slug on my screen" reaction. (And TBH I use a virtual makeup filter for the work calls, but don't tell anyone).
posted by Karmakaze at 6:33 AM on June 30, 2021

For whatever reason, I feel like I look a lot better online than I do in real life.

What weirds me out is when I look at one of the side monitors and can see myself on the webcam in profile instead of head on. In that view I look weird as hell.

I tend to turn off my side monitors during meetings.
posted by ook at 6:41 AM on June 30, 2021 [3 favorites]

huh, OK, I may have just figured out what the "for whatever reason" is; it's because I can prevent people from seeing my weird-ass profile view

I'm a little slow sometimes but I get there eventually
posted by ook at 6:43 AM on June 30, 2021

I remain shocked that the “mirror” option is “mirror it for both me and everyone else”, not “show me myself mirrored but send the usual image to everyone else”, which would be just the easiest and most natural thing to do - “show people themselves, and others, how they are used to seeing both”. Humanizing software is hard, I guess.

This is how Apple's Facetime has worked since the beginning. It's weird that other videoconferencing software makers didn't figure out something this basic.

I do regular streaming videos for YouTube with some friends using the Streamyard online software and it has no mirroring, which is really weird to get used to.
posted by Fleebnork at 6:44 AM on June 30, 2021 [1 favorite]

For the vast majority of the online meetings I’m in, no one turns on their camera - or if they do, it’s only for a brief period at the start. I am super grateful for this, and not just because I take many of them from my phone while walking.
posted by Slothrup at 6:58 AM on June 30, 2021 [4 favorites]

What weirds me out is when I look at one of the side monitors and can see myself on the webcam in profile instead of head on. In that view I look weird as hell.

I have a rather unfortunate-looking profile (no side monitors to remind me daily though, thankfully.) The first time I noticed it I was in my 20s and trying on glasses at the eye doctor and caught myself in a side mirror. I was not pleased.

When my daughter was about 17, she caught the first glimpse of her similar profile in the side mirror of the car. I saw her looking at herself in consternation as she muttered "what the hell...?" "I'm so sorry about that," I said.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 7:20 AM on June 30, 2021 [11 favorites]

On Zoom, I had to really face how much I wiggle and fiddle and fidget and grin, and raise my eyebrows, touch my face and my hair and I don't know how anyone could ever stand me during in-person meetings.

I envy and am amazed by my work colleagues who are always very still with a single expression for an hour. I'm incapable.
posted by See you tomorrow, saguaro at 8:38 AM on June 30, 2021 [18 favorites]

I've found that the only way I can look reasonable on zoom is:
A) standing desk
B) parade rest (feet slightly apart, arms behind back)

otherwise, I'm a distracting, twitchy mess who is obviously typing the whole time when I should be paying attention.

This naturally limits the amount of camera time I get as well; once my legs hurt, the camera goes off and I sit down.
posted by jenkinsEar at 11:06 AM on June 30, 2021 [1 favorite]

Same, see you tomorrow. I don't know if it's an ADHD thing or I just think/listen best when moving slightly. The only way I can stay still when listening is with my face in my hand.

Microsoft Teams aggravatingly does not let me turn off self view.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 1:22 PM on June 30, 2021 [4 favorites]

As a 56 year old person working in tech, seeing all those young faces in a Zoom window really drives home how much this industry is not a place for 'old' folks like me.

They'll replace me as soon as they can find someone younger who can do the job.

(They've been trying since I was 35.)
posted by Cardinal Fang at 1:51 PM on June 30, 2021 [1 favorite]

They'll replace me as soon as they can find someone younger who can do the job.

Maybe there aren't a million 25 years olds who will do my job quite as well as I do but they'll work for a lot less than I make and they'll put in the 80 hour weeks that I won't.
posted by octothorpe at 2:03 PM on June 30, 2021 [3 favorites]

This article was super interesting. I haven't pursued cosmetic treatments - but I thought about it for the first time, and I got reaaaallll into retinol. I am also the only person I know who lost a LOT of weight during the pandemic instead of gaining. I also started wearing much more makeup, especially lipstick and eyeliner, since that makes your features and expressions so much clearer on video. Staring at my own face all day for the last year and a half has fucked me right up. I have a highly-visible, meetings and presentations/panels job, AND I'm an inveterate squirmer with ADHD and a propensity to forget I'm visible if I don't keep self view on. Everything about it is just the worst and I actively thank people when they just want to have a regular old phone call. I have put so much time and energy into how my face and torso look and the angle of my camera and the combination of ring light and ambient light and the framing of carefully chosen knickknacks in my backdrop. I don't know how professional vloggers stay stable, honestly. The constant video anxiety wore me out so much that I stopped socializing because I didn't have anything left at the end of the day for "fun" Zooms. I can't wait to go on vacation soon and just not be perceived for awhile.
posted by bowtiesarecool at 3:22 PM on June 30, 2021 [4 favorites]

I remain shocked that the “mirror” option is “mirror it for both me and everyone else”, not “show me myself mirrored but send the usual image to everyone else”, which would be just the easiest and most natural thing to do

At least on the platforms where I tested it, that's exactly what Zoom does, as well as all the other video calling software I've tried (Facetime, Google Meet, Microsoft Teams). All of them show me a mirror image of myself, while showing an un-mirrored image of me to the other participants.
posted by mbrubeck at 5:29 PM on June 30, 2021 [2 favorites]

There’s also a real thing with viewing people so closely. The only people you get within that proximity are family and very close friends and really only your partner for AN HOUR OR MORE. We just don’t view people that closely and are not viewed so closely in turn.

It absolutely messes with you.

I should not be aware what people’s faces look like from a foot away in such detail. I purposefully sit at least 3 feet from my camera but seem to be in the vast minority.

I do look fantastic on camera, but I abhor being observed in any capacity.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 10:19 PM on June 30, 2021 [3 favorites]

I'm (probably) autistic, and like curious nu I find it a helpful way to get some feedback on stuff I'm otherwise oblivious to. I'm also a 6'3" trans woman so I had to make my peace with the mismatch between what I'd like to look like, and what I do. I just don't care any more.

I also work in warehousing (at the moment) so haven't had the constant work zoom meetings that everyone else seemingly has. I mostly use it with friends (where I care more about my appearance if anything - you can't cleanly clock off from your social life like you can work) but yeah. I look like shit. Who the fuck cares?
posted by Dysk at 2:19 AM on July 1, 2021 [5 favorites]

Also:

There was no visible audience, no cues about how we were doing. Six days later, a box arrived in the mail. After watching the event, my mother had sent me an assortment of skin-care products.

Fuck this dude's mother. That is an awful thing to do.
posted by Dysk at 2:20 AM on July 1, 2021 [9 favorites]

It doesn't seem like it can possibly be healthy to have hours of conversations a day as if my conversation partner is perching a mirror on their shoulder, reflecting my face back at me.

Jokes on me, our condo was built in the 60s, and each room has a mirror wall, including in the one spot that works for my desk. Blah.
posted by ghost phoneme at 8:10 AM on July 1, 2021 [1 favorite]

I look like shit. Who the fuck cares?

I may put this on a sticky on the corner of my screen, as a reminder.
posted by latkes at 8:22 AM on July 1, 2021 [3 favorites]

I'm an engineer at a large company. We have conference calls several times a week, with people in several countries. This was true pre-covid, and the pandemic just meant that we now each do it from home rather than having a conference room connected to conference rooms in other states and countries.

Because it started with connected conference rooms, we never used video. Transitioning to at home, we just continued never using video. We do use 'show my screen' to show graphs, charts, schedules, as necessary.

The only time I've had to hook up a webcam are when doing an interview with a job applicant. If you have a good mic/headphone setup, you can express yourself very clearly without showing your face.

Showing your face seems really pointless. And thank goodness we don't for those occasional foolishly scheduled early morning meetings where I can just crawl out of bed and connect to my computer and take my shower afterwards, and not have to worry how scary I look.

Having to show my face to random people across the globe several times a week just seems horrifying to me. Why do you all do this?
posted by eye of newt at 10:59 AM on July 1, 2021 [1 favorite]

After watching the event, my mother had sent me an assortment of skin-care products.

Fuck this dude's mother. That is an awful thing to do.

Only if the skin-care products had no resale value.
posted by Cardinal Fang at 11:37 AM on July 1, 2021

Because it started with connected conference rooms, we never used video. Transitioning to at home, we just continued never using video. We do use 'show my screen' to show graphs, charts, schedules, as necessary.

I've been on video conferencing for the past few years (10? old people, men, and women, do work in tech!!!) and I've had a few different upper managers now who have wanted us to turn on cameras, but it's never taken off since we spend most our time reviewing code and documentation, not just staring at other people's faces. It's fine with me. Since I'm bald I look like a conehead (old person reference!) on camera, not The Rock.
posted by The_Vegetables at 12:42 PM on July 1, 2021

Because it started with connected conference rooms, we never used video.

We have a pretty strict cameras-on policy (unless the meeting has so many people that it's not feasible to see everyone) and I'm grateful for it, because it makes it much much easier to see who wants to talk next, how people are reacting to what you're saying, etc; all those nonverbal cues are really important. As much as I sometimes wish I could pick my nose or scratch myself or whatever, I'd hate to go back to the audio-only conference call way of doing things.
posted by ook at 1:48 PM on July 1, 2021

I went from a cameras always-on workplace in the pandemic, to one where we *rarely* have cameras on. I most often share camera-me with my boss for one-on-ones, but otherwise we just don't. It's so much more relaxing. I literally look at my calendar and decide how presentable I need to be based on whether I have a cameras-on meeting.

But, all my dev team are in the Ukraine or Russia, so being co-located was never an option -- this teleworking aspect will never change at this job. It can be frustrating (language barriers, time zones, etc) but it's so freeing to just . . .never worry about whether someone can see me.
posted by Medieval Maven at 6:40 AM on July 2, 2021

I work at a university. The expectation for faculty teaching is that they be seen. Staff who worked with students also were under pressure to be seen on camera. The camera-on expectation carried over to small meetings, especially the kind of meeting we would've had in person in a small conference room before the pandemic. It seemed okay sometimes to say, "Oh my camera isn't working/my internet is too slow," but that out had to be used sparingly.

I tried to remind my faculty not to demand students have their camera on, and I advised a bunch of students (in the US and various other countries) who didn't turn their cameras on, which didn't bother me.

For very large, campus wide meetings where you were not a presenter, it seemed okay to have your camera off. My favorite Zooms were all these where I could just listen and look at the screen and keep my camera off. I would get disproportionality annoyed (title of my pandemic memoir!) when these meetings decided to have engagement portions with breakout rooms to discuss or whatever. Nooooooo, was not expecting on camera performance today!
posted by See you tomorrow, saguaro at 9:18 AM on July 2, 2021

Why do you all do this?

It beats the hell out of a 2.5 hour commute.
posted by GenjiandProust at 5:34 PM on July 3, 2021 [2 favorites]

I am about to get a consult for a jaw refining procedure. It is definitely due to Zoom dysmorphia. I'm still going to do it.
posted by Hermione Granger at 10:14 PM on July 3, 2021

As we (those of us whose jobs mean this is possible/necessary) grind into 16+ months of working from home, I'm increasingly having the "I am way too autistic for this shit" reaction to Zoom calls. So much of my bandwidth/attention economy (hat tip to motorcycle educator Keith Code for that analogy) is taken up with "what is my face doing? am I presenting appropriately?" (in a way that just DOES NOT HAPPEN in person), it's ridiculous. Sorry, what was it you just said about our department's yearly most-important-project? I was worrying about how you all are interpreting my expression...

On a recent fairly small call with people I've worked with for years, our Department Head said something about "oh hey, I heard from Former Department Head recently." I legit thought I was telling my face to express "mildly cheerful enthusiasm and wondering how FDH is doing". Department Head immediately said "oh Lex, don't make that face." I... uh? WTH am I supposed to do here?

Pretty sure that wouldn't have happened if the six of us had actually been in a room together.
posted by Lexica at 11:24 AM on July 4, 2021 [3 favorites]