Love thy neighbor.
February 9, 2011 5:57 PM Subscribe

Dear Girls Above Me,
posted by Fizz (196 comments total) 19 users marked this as a favorite

I think I might know those girls.
posted by pwally at 6:05 PM on February 9, 2011 [2 favorites]

$#*! My Neighbors Say?
posted by octothorpe at 6:06 PM on February 9, 2011 [1 favorite]

I smell a (terrible) TV show!
posted by DU at 6:06 PM on February 9, 2011 [2 favorites]

man i really hope this dude gets a book deal!
posted by modernnomad at 6:09 PM on February 9, 2011 [16 favorites]

Hey Look At My Twitter Feed ~~Dot Tumbler~~ Dot Com
posted by paisley henosis at 6:09 PM on February 9, 2011 [1 favorite]

Dear Passive-Agressive Whiner Below Us,
posted by Rock Steady at 6:12 PM on February 9, 2011 [89 favorites]

Interview with the guy ("Charlie McDowell, a comedy writer living in Los Angeles").
posted by vidur at 6:14 PM on February 9, 2011

Dear Hipster in an Admittedly Snappy Vest,
posted by OverlappingElvis at 6:14 PM on February 9, 2011 [18 favorites]

I smell a (terrible) TV show!

A thriller in which a man becomes obsessed with his upstairs neighbors who seem to be taunting and teasing and targeting him through elaborate pranks and tricks until in final act it is revealed they they're a figment of his broken mind.
posted by The Whelk at 6:15 PM on February 9, 2011 [43 favorites]

TV show already a posibility: "The network [CBS] has bought an idea based on the blog and Twitter feed "Dear Girls Above Me," according to The Hollywood Reporter."
posted by vidur at 6:17 PM on February 9, 2011

the girls are funny. the dude is LAME.
posted by sweetkid at 6:17 PM on February 9, 2011 [9 favorites]

Well, I enjoyed reading them.
posted by Lord Chancellor at 6:19 PM on February 9, 2011 [1 favorite]

"The network [CBS] has bought an idea based on the blog and Twitter feed "Dear Girls Above Me," according to The Hollywood Reporter."

Also a time machine. That show? Three's Company.

And now you know...the rest of the story.
posted by DU at 6:20 PM on February 9, 2011 [16 favorites]

I know right? Tiffany? What do they want an Elsa Peretti pendant? He Bette go to Harry Winson or at least Van Cleef and Arpels
posted by Ad hominem at 6:20 PM on February 9, 2011

Citrusfreak?
posted by boo_radley at 6:22 PM on February 9, 2011 [6 favorites]

Are we supposed to believe that most of those quotes are for real?
posted by amro at 6:23 PM on February 9, 2011 [13 favorites]

Dear girls above me:

I'm just a boy below you, standing here, asking you to love me.
posted by Astro Zombie at 6:24 PM on February 9, 2011 [17 favorites]

TWEET THREE TIMES
ABOUT MY INANITY
IF YOU LOVE ME.
posted by The Whelk at 6:24 PM on February 9, 2011 [12 favorites]

I initially read that as "dead girls above me" and i was expecting either more wacky paranormal-ish "being human" sort of stuff, or something really creepy and wrong.
posted by rmd1023 at 6:24 PM on February 9, 2011

Stay tuned for my new book-deal blog: "Incredibly Sassy Things My Nine-Year Old Says That Are Totally NOT Made Up By Me"
posted by briank at 6:25 PM on February 9, 2011 [14 favorites]

Too bad they already scooped my blog, "Dear Nerds Above Me" for a show.
posted by GuyZero at 6:25 PM on February 9, 2011 [1 favorite]

"Dear Girls Above Me,
“Last night was legendary, best sex ever!” I know! We orgasmed at the same time! Only difference is you had someone else with you."

Creepy.
posted by unliteral at 6:25 PM on February 9, 2011 [5 favorites]

Citrusfreak?
krrsnooort
posted by xorry at 6:25 PM on February 9, 2011

I read it as dead girls above me and my first thought was that'd been so uncomfortable.
posted by special-k at 6:27 PM on February 9, 2011 [1 favorite]

Dear Humans Above Me:

I do not appericate your unkind comments RE; the Underdwellers.
posted by The Whelk at 6:28 PM on February 9, 2011 [1 favorite]

Dear loser below me who has nothing better to do than listen to my inane babblings.
posted by wv kay in ga at 6:28 PM on February 9, 2011 [3 favorites]

Dear commenters above me,
Please post funny comments that I can quote and respond to with my inane non sequitur comments.
posted by vidur at 6:28 PM on February 9, 2011 [2 favorites]

Dear girls above me, knock three times on the ceiling if you want me, twice on the pipe if the answer is no.
posted by KokuRyu at 6:29 PM on February 9, 2011 [10 favorites]

I suggest you hold on to your illusion about how terrible this blog is and don't click through to the comments.
posted by DU at 6:29 PM on February 9, 2011 [1 favorite]

Sexist fantasy claptrap and unflinchingly unfunny to boot. This will fit perfectly at a network that tried to dump female roles from a number of its shows last year.
posted by grounded at 6:30 PM on February 9, 2011 [10 favorites]

I read it as dead girls above me and my first thought was that'd been so uncomfortable.

I think you need to have a stiff upper lip in the face of rigor mortis.
posted by elephantday at 6:30 PM on February 9, 2011

ALL THESE QUOTES ARE YOURS EXCEPT EUROPA
posted by Mjolnir at 6:30 PM on February 9, 2011 [19 favorites]

Dear Comments above me:

you are only lucky waste, filling up space that I could be taking for my own glory.

Dear Comments below me:

You are parasites who are too late and leeching off my wonderful words.
posted by The Whelk at 6:31 PM on February 9, 2011 [7 favorites]

Dear Eloi Above Me,
posted by Sticherbeast at 6:32 PM on February 9, 2011 [21 favorites]

December 30, 2009

That's a long time to put up with insane neighbors.
posted by blucevalo at 6:32 PM on February 9, 2011

The Whelk: "Dear Humans Above Me: I do not appericate your unkind comments RE; the Underdwellers"

Back to your chudhole, mutie.
posted by boo_radley at 6:33 PM on February 9, 2011 [5 favorites]

As if. Very badly written, to boot. Why I am not surprised that this rancid bilge-water is being touted for some inane frikken book deal/ TV show/ Broadway musical?
posted by PareidoliaticBoy at 6:34 PM on February 9, 2011 [3 favorites]

They just sound....young?

How about we trade upstairs neighbors. I'll take the harmless 20-somethings, he can take the floor-shaking sound system.
posted by Narrative Priorities at 6:35 PM on February 9, 2011

Dear Spider-Man above me ...
posted by Astro Zombie at 6:36 PM on February 9, 2011 [1 favorite]

I can thank some inane girls above me for a decent two year relationship.

2am, and I hear, "I don't want to be super famous, where people are, like always coming up to me, I just want to be regular famous, where everyone knows who I am."

At this, I take refuge in a walk around the block. It was cold, I didn't bring a coat, which made me fit in with the coat-less smokers clustered on the street, guests of a neighboring upstairs party. Followed them back in, met somebody, thanks inane girls!
posted by StickyCarpet at 6:37 PM on February 9, 2011 [6 favorites]

My last upstairs neighbor is why my current place is single-story. He jogged in place every night, sometimes at 3AM. Sometimes the ceiling would make cracking noises. Then there were the nights he had his yelling friend over to play video games...
posted by dirigibleman at 6:41 PM on February 9, 2011

This doesn't seem contrived at all.
posted by eyeballkid at 6:41 PM on February 9, 2011 [8 favorites]

I suggest you hold on to your illusion about how terrible this blog is and don't click through to the comments.
posted by DU at 3:29 PM on February 9 [+] [!]

Wow, you weren't kidding... There's some real humor-impairment going on in those comments.
posted by Kloryne at 6:42 PM on February 9, 2011

I initially read that as "dead girls above me" and i was expecting either more wacky paranormal-ish "being human" sort of stuff, or something really creepy and wrong.

This I would watch.
posted by steambadger at 6:43 PM on February 9, 2011 [1 favorite]

Normally I root for annoying neighbours to die in a fire. But since they're annoying this guy* I'm cool with them.

* and clearly do not exist to boot
posted by The Card Cheat at 6:44 PM on February 9, 2011 [5 favorites]

I think this needs a mash-up with H.P. Lovecraft:

Dear Girls Above Me, "Ultimate horror often paralyses memory in a merciful way." Were you talking about me?

Dear Girls Above Me, "Then the shadows began to gather, first little furtive ones under the table, and then bolder ones in the dark panelled corners." Talk to the landlord about that before they come down here, please.

Dear Girls Above Me, "The Old Ones were, the Old Ones are, and the Old Ones shall be." I guess your parents are visiting again this weekend?

Dear Girls Above Me, "We live on a placid island of ignorance in the black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far." Speak for yourself, ladies.
posted by Joey Michaels at 6:44 PM on February 9, 2011 [58 favorites]

I once lived in a studio apartment next door to a man who was in a mariachi band. They held evening practices at his place. (I guess because it was so roomy.)
posted by Kloryne at 6:47 PM on February 9, 2011

Dear girls above me ... The voice of Satan talks to me through my toilet. It's telling me to destroy you. Also, please break down your boxes before putting them in the trash bin.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 6:47 PM on February 9, 2011 [3 favorites]

I think this needs a mash-up with H.P. Lovecraft:

This I would pay to watch.
posted by steambadger at 6:47 PM on February 9, 2011 [2 favorites]

Dear Super Who Lived Above Me,

It was really a bummer when we had to call the cops cause you were beating up your girlfriend. Also you never fixed anything asshole.

Glad you were fired, hope you go to jail.

Sincerely, Apt. 2F
posted by emjaybee at 6:51 PM on February 9, 2011

There's a difference between inane conversations, and loud intrusions. The inane conversations may not even be that loud, but something about the utter idiocy expressed forces us to listen harder against our will.
posted by StickyCarpet at 6:54 PM on February 9, 2011 [3 favorites]

I once lived in a townhome complex where, for whatever reason, I became convinced the guy in the condo next to us was the source of the late night garage band bullshit keeping me up til 3am.

Imagine his surprise when one night I finally lost my ever-loving shit and went over there to tell him to SHUT THE EFF UP ALREADY, YOU ARE KILLING ME, SLEEP DEPRIVATION KILLS PEOPLE.

Yeah. It was the other unit. I'd be embarrassed but I was at that point so mentally tortured by midnight to 3am Jimi Hendrix impressions that I wasn't even capable of higher reasoning.
posted by Medieval Maven at 6:55 PM on February 9, 2011 [2 favorites]

I read his entries kind of like: HURF DUMB BYTCHEZ DONT LYK FUTBAWL. SOO STOOPIDZ.
posted by BrotherCaine at 7:05 PM on February 9, 2011 [2 favorites]

fake
posted by ReeMonster at 7:15 PM on February 9, 2011 [1 favorite]

This makes me want to start the "Dear Guys Above Me" and "Dear Guys Next To Me" blog, 'cause man, I can hear them all jacking off every night from 11-12 right now. Thanks for sharing!
posted by jenfullmoon at 7:15 PM on February 9, 2011 [3 favorites]

That's not a very fun story.
posted by msalt at 7:16 PM on February 9, 2011

Is this legit? I saw when this sold several months ago and I got the sense it wasn't.

Stuff against it:

1) He's not just a regular guy: he's the son of Malcolm McDowell
2) He also was an aspiring comedy writer
3) It was setup as a TV show by Katalyst Media aka Ashton Kutcher's company, who sold another twitter-based show called "Shh, Don't Tell Steve"
4) The video I looked at back when it sold was of a very nice condo. Very nice condos tend not to have paper-thin walls.

Maybe I'm just hating on it because it's a twitter-based comedy, but a plausible game plan for astroturf selling a show could be:

a) Come up with sitcom idea
b) Create fake twitter account and establish enough history to make it seem legit
c) Leverage Ashton Kutcher's twitter followers to make it successful (one tweet to his 6M+ followers get them to follow it)
d) Go to CBS and convince them it's the "next big thing"
posted by sharkfu at 7:16 PM on February 9, 2011 [10 favorites]

I meant TrialByMedia, but jefullmoon fits too.
posted by msalt at 7:17 PM on February 9, 2011

Man, if you have a celebrity dad and the attendant wealth and connections and you STILL have to start some bullshit joke blog to get something made, it must be brutal out there.
posted by kittens for breakfast at 7:21 PM on February 9, 2011 [7 favorites]

I did a whois query on the domain. It says: "Creation Date: 29-apr-2010". Did he migrate the data from another domain, or did he just populate the domain with made-up pre-dated stuff?
posted by vidur at 7:23 PM on February 9, 2011

Dear Girls Above Me,

“Why are they honeymooning in the South of France? Don’t a bunch of birds go there for the winter?” Only the really snooty ones

I thought that was funny. The rest, not so much.
posted by delmoi at 7:24 PM on February 9, 2011

I've had loud neighbors before, but their shenanigans weren't usually coherent enough to be sitcom material.

I mean, if someone could make a sitcom about the guy who listened to Nazi military music, conspiracy theory talk radio, and gay porn at top volume and dressed like Evel Knievel, I would totally watch the fuck out of that show. But he was a man well entrenched in his habits, and it probably would have gotten tedious. I mean, he may have gotten up to some kooky shenanigans in his Evel Knievel getup, but as his neighbor I was not privy to those adventures.
posted by louche mustachio at 7:26 PM on February 9, 2011 [4 favorites]

>>I suggest you hold on to your illusion about how terrible this blog is and don't click through to the comments.

>Wow, you weren't kidding... There's some real humor-impairment going on in those comments.

I came here to call "contrived fakery" but that has well and truly been covered. Badly written contrived fakery - also covered. But I'll take it as far as calling most of the comments contrived fakery. Look at all the names. No mypoopgoespoot91? Spelling and grammar reasonable, from what little I could stomach to peruse.
posted by uncanny hengeman at 7:28 PM on February 9, 2011

This particularly did not do it for me. Shit my dad says at least conjured an interesting character. This is like Dear Easy Target. It is easy to come up with conveniently hatable things to say. It isn't a trick. People who were moved by Grey's Anatomy or who really like Olive Garden. People that date guys who sell insurance and like saw movies. People who still wear Uggs. People who collect planet hollywood t-shirts. People who sing along with Kings of Leon songs and pretend their hairbrush is a microphone. People who actually like the wrong things and don't pay attention to shit we've decided matters.

Shooting fish in a barrel is not a great accomplishment and inventing fish in a barrel to shoot is even less of one.
posted by I Foody at 7:30 PM on February 9, 2011 [25 favorites]

This is almost certainly bogus but it still makes me glad that the mid-19th century contractors who built my townhouse built the shit out it and the apartment building next door that it's attached to. Nothing like having at least a foot and a half of solid brick between you and your neighbors. I've never heard a sound come through the walls.
posted by octothorpe at 7:32 PM on February 9, 2011

I'd gladly join the focus group to watch this if I get paid. I'll even get nauseous for free, so you can save money on drugs!
posted by mccarty.tim at 7:32 PM on February 9, 2011

The tar paper and insect frass of my condo walls isn't nearly enough to block the sound of a neighbor who screams when she cums.
posted by Foam Pants at 7:43 PM on February 9, 2011

I once had an unplanned loud sex contest with my neighbors through my bedroom wall. We won. (yay!)
posted by LordSludge at 7:47 PM on February 9, 2011

See, now that right there is a(nother terrible) blog idea. Shit My Neighbour Says When S/he Orgasms. My old neighbour's contribution would have been "Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oooiiiiiiiii! Oooiiiiiiiii! OOOOOOIIIIII!!!!!" If I had heard clapping flippers I would have bought my wife's theory that she was actually a seal.
posted by The Card Cheat at 7:52 PM on February 9, 2011 [10 favorites]

People who ... pretend their hairbrush is a microphone.

Oh come on now, what's wrong with that?
posted by headnsouth at 7:56 PM on February 9, 2011 [1 favorite]

I feel like going an assment and consideration on all my neighbors now. I Live in a dense apartment block so it may take a while despite my sweet sweet corner-no sharing walls set up.

Gal Above Me: Complained about the noise from our TV like twice and then was never heard from again.

Woman Below Me: My sink leaked into her bathroom once and then I gave her a bottle of wine. She seems nice.

Family On the Far End: You have a quantum amount of kids and once asked to "borrow" a egg but you seem nice, even if your nanny/aunt/friend whatever thinks a field trip to the hallway is a fine daytime activity for children. I'm sure the kids don't mind.

Dude Opposite Me: You were an ex-bodybuilder who got into some horrible car crash and then depended on your slightly scary and possibly cokey boyfriend to do everything for you. Sometimes your cat tries to wander into our place and you get shipments of bottled water but I haven't seen you in months.

Lady Down The Hall: You are Norwegian and live alone and are diabetic and a PIP A TOTAL PIP. You're a docent at the New York Historical Society! You know so much about the Hudson Valley School! You have a pixie cut and are retired and super charming and live in a shoebox.

Couple Opposite the Lady: Japanese? I think? based on the newspapers delivered. We strongly suspect this is a company apartment cause you are rarely home. Whatever, no one sees you ever.

Specter At the End Of The Hall: We don't know anything about you save the fact that you kept screaming at what we assumed was your husband until he died and now you're never seen aside from furtive runs to the garbage room or down to the basement. You are like 4 foot tall and look like a central casting witch.

Jerks Near The Elevator: What used to be two apartments containing a couple and a cello student, respectfully, have been mashed into one apartment with very poor sound proofing and what I am only assuming is a rich building contractor's children. You can hear the most inane conversations from post-teens here cause no one bothered to sound proof the doors or anything - it's like a constant audio reality show with Black Eye Peas songs. We hate you.

Crypto-Lesbians Down the Hall: Okay we don't know anything about you besides the fact that two different older women live there and they're both ..I wanna say Dutch? Or something? Like that. Lots of black. Accent. Says "Hawloo!" for Hello. The big ting is you own like five tiny, tiny dogs and they come out to follow you when you go to the garbage and it's so fucking adorable I should die.
posted by The Whelk at 8:02 PM on February 9, 2011 [40 favorites]

I'd blog about my suburban neighbors. But it'd be an infrequently updated blog.

I guess I'll instead blog about Shit William Shatner says on Shit My Dad Says.

But then I'd have to watch that show.
posted by mccarty.tim at 8:05 PM on February 9, 2011 [1 favorite]

oh hey some guy trying to parlay his blog into a writing deal. well you've come to the right place for your internet marketing needs, feel free to pimp yourself on metafilter.
posted by indubitable at 8:06 PM on February 9, 2011

88 lines about 44 neighbors.
posted by boo_radley at 8:06 PM on February 9, 2011 [5 favorites]

He's not just a regular guy: he's the son of Malcolm McDowell

Oh, my god. So much for any genetic theory of talent.
posted by steambadger at 8:11 PM on February 9, 2011

Oh, my god. So much for any genetic theory of talent.

The children of the rich are the best argument against eugenics.
posted by The Whelk at 8:14 PM on February 9, 2011 [12 favorites]

We call our upstairs neighbor "The moose" because we hear every noise she makes. It's usually not a big deal, but my third night on set for a movie that was all night shoots she has a gentleman caller and they are squeaking the springs at about 10 am, which woke me up and I couldn't get back to sleep. That was a horrible day on set.
posted by djduckie at 8:16 PM on February 9, 2011

Rock Steady: "Dear Passive-Agressive Whiner Below Us"

Fuck you. If I wanna blast some Delta 9 - Hate Tank when you clearly won't shut the fuck up AFTER I yell at you to be quiet, and threaten to call the pigs on ya.... Then I WILL!
posted by symbioid at 8:17 PM on February 9, 2011 [1 favorite]

Personally, I'd prefer they turn movies people liked into sitcoms, rather than turning movies people liked into more movies. Although it looks like the model may eventually settle as Twitter => Book => TV => Movies

I mean, I'd love to see my favorite films get sanitized for TV and mangled by committees. They could make The Big Lebowski into a sitcom and bring Donny back.
posted by mccarty.tim at 8:20 PM on February 9, 2011

"Yuk, yuk. The chicks upstairs are so stupid. You should hear them trying to sell their VitaMeataVegaMin. Yuk, yuk."
posted by steambadger at 8:25 PM on February 9, 2011

I've had good luck with flatmates. Except for two abusive couples I had to call the cops on. But the 9/11 Truther who was always playing Dylan and Leonard Cohen songs was nice. As was the Syd Barrett type who always played loud psych. My current flatmate's musical tastes match mine so exactly we started a band together and go to all the same shows... And i don't have to worry about singing along to Gaslight Anthem too loudly
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 8:26 PM on February 9, 2011 [1 favorite]

"Fuck it, Dude. Let's go bowling."

*cue laugh track*
posted by contraption at 8:28 PM on February 9, 2011 [1 favorite]

jenfullmoon, I had an upstairs neighbor that jerked off really loudly, too! I was puzzled, as I had never run into the problem of living next to a guy that basically yells while masturbating, but I'm somehow retroactively comforted that it happens elsewhere.
posted by ignignokt at 8:34 PM on February 9, 2011

There was an old variation of this I saw advertised in a dead tree funnymag, possibly National Lampoon[?].

A guy lived next door to a couple of crusty alcoholic Vietnam vet roomies, and they'd spend all day and night violently threatening one another. Apparently this guy taped them and you could send away for the cassettes.
posted by uncanny hengeman at 8:41 PM on February 9, 2011

Speaking of Delta named bands... this guy needs to listen to some Delta 5
posted by special agent conrad uno at 8:42 PM on February 9, 2011 [1 favorite]

Dear stars above me,

Why must I be a teenager in love?
posted by bink at 8:46 PM on February 9, 2011 [1 favorite]

No way, Delta 72, that's where it's at.
posted by box at 8:48 PM on February 9, 2011 [1 favorite]

Our walls are 3 foot thick, but the ceilings and floors are 3 inches. Upstairs neighbor, a big guy, cycles on and off through girlfriends. When he has one, it's all murmured giggles and light elegance. When he doesn't, his thumping 60 foot trek to the bathroom each morning shakes dust down. That's become known to us as, "the Bachelor March."
posted by StickyCarpet at 8:53 PM on February 9, 2011 [3 favorites]

I live next to a brothel but I don't hear anything. Weird
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 8:54 PM on February 9, 2011 [1 favorite]

Drop this into the word balloons of Apertment 3G and you might have something.
posted by Scoo at 8:54 PM on February 9, 2011 [5 favorites]

Son of Malcolm McDowell and Mary Steenburgen is not average dude. Guy who dated Haylie Duff and Kristin Chenoweth is not living in crummy apartment. Please stop.
posted by turducken at 9:00 PM on February 9, 2011 [7 favorites]

I've got my own friends
They're all above me!
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 9:07 PM on February 9, 2011

Well, that's not creepy at all.
posted by koeselitz at 9:07 PM on February 9, 2011

In the future, precogs will award book deals based on blogs that haven't even been registered yet.
posted by Solon and Thanks at 9:17 PM on February 9, 2011

Dear God Above Me,

Make the hurting stop.

("Children of celebrities! ~~They pretend to be~~ just like us! Only they get a TV deal out of complaining about idiots, whereas I only get bored stares from my friends!")

But hey, imagine having Ted Danson as your stepfather. That would have to be awesome. He's so...stepfathery!
posted by Sidhedevil at 9:19 PM on February 9, 2011

A guy lived next door to a couple of crusty alcoholic Vietnam vet roomies, and they'd spend all day and night violently threatening one another. Apparently this guy taped them and you could send away for the cassettes.

Shut Up, Little Man. Apparently there's a movie now, too.
posted by Sidhedevil at 9:21 PM on February 9, 2011 [1 favorite]

"Shut Up, Little Man" is actually a great resource for writers who want to improve their dialogue. Presuming that you're writing about dysfunctional substance-abusing old men in the US, of course.
posted by Sidhedevil at 9:23 PM on February 9, 2011

I thought "vominos pizza" was much funnier than anything the dude had to say.
posted by en forme de poire at 9:24 PM on February 9, 2011 [1 favorite]

So the complaint is women above him are playfully discussing sex, dildos, and wanting to fuck people. I just want to be clear, so next time a girl mentions any of that I tell 'em to clam it?
posted by CNNInternational at 9:34 PM on February 9, 2011

a PIP A TOTAL PIP

Ok I have to ask, what is this? I feel so out of it.
posted by ch1x0r at 9:49 PM on February 9, 2011

I thought about that dildo quip long and hard and couldn't figure out if it was an actual quote about naming a dildo or an actual quote about an imagined discussion about naming a dildo.

Do girls really have earnest discussions about naming a dildo? I doubt it. Sounds like they had joint custody. Ewww.

Thanks, Shedevil, appreciated. I'd probably be madly Googling for their identities right now [and I wouldn't be having much luck because it appears only a "guest roomie" was a Vietnam vet, and you could imagine how much noise that would produce in my searches. First time I've heard them. Or even heard about them, apart from those adverts long ago.
posted by uncanny hengeman at 9:53 PM on February 9, 2011

for the sake of gay male unit cohesion any dildo is called "Mini-you" regardless of size or personhood.
posted by The Whelk at 9:59 PM on February 9, 2011 [1 favorite]

Sounds like they had joint custody. Ewww.

Sorry! What I meant to say was...
posted by uncanny hengeman at 9:59 PM on February 9, 2011

So one of the non-Jim Parsons reasons that The Big Bang Theory is a much better show than most anyone who read pre-season information about it and why it got much better after the pilot and first few episodes -- and, according to those in the know, why it was so very much better than the original pilot which had a different female lead -- is because they realized Penny (the pretty neighbor character) should be more than just a shallow blond bimbo and though she would be very different than the male geek characters, should still be far more likable, layered, and interesting and that the writers should treat her like a real person rather than a stereotypical punchline.

I'm not sure where I read that, but I hope somebody gets the same article to young Mr. McDowell.

* * * * * *

Do girls really have earnest discussions about naming a dildo?

In the mind of some men, young female roommates share dildos. I think these are the same guys who started the "girls at slumber parties have pillow fights in their sexy pajamas" myth.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 10:06 PM on February 9, 2011 [8 favorites]

Eddie Lee, the guy who taped "Shut Up Little Man" was friends with this odd dude my college roommate had met at a Frank Moore show. We had a large unfinished attic space and the odd dude moved up there for a while, rent free. He slept on a dingy mattress with acupuncture needles scattered around it, walked around naked with his hand in our juice pitcher that he filled with a "medicinal" broth (plants he pulled up from the nearby railroad tracks), and, much to our delight, so freaked out our uptight roommate (president of the Campus Democrats) that he started spending less time at home.

The odd dude was into wearing women's lingerie, would stage Situationist events in Library Mall, and had published zines for which it was rumored he'd could get arrested. He and Eddie Lee used to dress up in lingerie and crash student parties, act weird, and try to get everyone to leave. Hilarious, right? We got sick of them really fast, especially when we found ourselves taking phone messages for the odd dude from Eddie Lee, who was calling himself Eddie Lee Sausage. He'd call our place and ask for his friend in a weird voice. "Tell him that Eddie Lee called," he squeak. "Eddie Lee Sausage." I'd had enough of their more-Outré-than-thou show, so once on the phone I calmly suggested that he change his name to Eddie Le Sausage. "No," he squeaked, clearly annoyed. "It's Eddie. Lee. Sausage."
posted by hydrophonic at 10:30 PM on February 9, 2011 [4 favorites]

Dear Girls Above Me

"Woah, that new sitcom about the Girls Above Me? I can't believe that anyone could believe that people could be that stupid." Oh, Lord. You know that old Rod Sterling's Night Gallery where the hippie went to hell and it was a couple of old people showing slide shows of their RV trips to state parks? I'm in the same kind of hell, only I CREATED IT.
posted by pyramid termite at 10:44 PM on February 9, 2011

109 comments and nobody? Ok. I'll say it.

Dude needs to get out (from under these girls) more.
posted by iamkimiam at 10:46 PM on February 9, 2011

PS Rod Serling, even. I'm in HELL, you want me to remember how to spell, too?
posted by pyramid termite at 10:49 PM on February 9, 2011

Do girls really have earnest discussions about naming a dildo?

Yes.

Naming things is important to some people, okay? Especially things you are kind of supposed to personify, if you like that sort of thing.
posted by Mizu at 10:54 PM on February 9, 2011

I don't know how I got brought up but I'm not seeing a resemblance. I just browsed through my tweets up to November and I can't find anything that's similar to this. It's all just bitching about the weather and what I ate or didn't eat for lunch...

(phone) “Don’t throw him out! That stuffed animal gave me my first orgasm…Sorry dad, you needed to understand.” No he didn’t.

Right, someone definitely said this in real life and this was in no way made up.

“I’ll meet you at the party, I ate way too much cauliflower and need to let out gas for awhile.” Hold on, let me cancel my plans.

“I had the hottest video chat sesh with the French guy last night!” Pierre?! I knew I shouldn’t have gone bowling!

Seriously confused here. What are those? Are those punch lines? What do they even mean? What are they supposed to contribute? I am lost. The comments from the supposed girls seem fairly innocuous on their own and not especially deserving of ridicule or laughter.

...actually, if you mentally add some canned laughter at the end of these, it makes a lot more sense. The guy is writing bad TV "comedy." Try it.

Thank you for summoning me to weigh in on this important matter.

::vanishes in a plume of snark::
posted by CitrusFreak12 at 11:20 PM on February 9, 2011 [1 favorite]

his thumping 60 foot trek to the bathroom each morning shakes dust down

Frankenstein Just Got Up
posted by hydrophonic at 11:20 PM on February 9, 2011 [1 favorite]

>>Do girls really have earnest discussions about naming a dildo?

>Yes.

>Naming things is important to some people, okay? Especially things you are kind of supposed to personify, if you like that sort of thing.

You've only answered few my questions - granted, most were implied.

Was that a shared dildo? If not, do girls REALLY enlist the help of besties and roomies to name their dildos? Do they give them pep talks about how a lot of thought is required?

That scenario sounds completely absurd to me, which backs up the popular MeFi "this whole thing is fake" theory. But then again I'm a guy so WTF would I know about women's dildo biz¿
posted by uncanny hengeman at 11:22 PM on February 9, 2011

I hope this guy doesn't get anymore fame that what already exists. This guy just sucks. Period.

I think he wants to bang them both, but know he can't due to a variety of reasons, so he takes it out by making fun of them with fake and taken out of context quotes and he ends up looking like the funny holy hero.
posted by GEB's fun world at 11:28 PM on February 9, 2011 [1 favorite]

Christ, what an asshole.
posted by daniel_charms at 11:43 PM on February 9, 2011

I could do this far more succinctly.

Dear upstairs neighbour:

Please turn your fucking alarm off when you go away so I don't have to listen to it blaring away for half an hour. Also, try to be a bit lighter-footed around the place, would you? It sounds like a herd of club-footed elephants up there, sometimes. Oh, and if you could one day get rid of that old carpet that's been sitting in the hallway for about six years, that'd be really cool. That aside, thanks for generally being quiet and considerate and keeping yourself to yourself.

There. Didn't need a blog, now did it?
posted by Decani at 12:44 AM on February 10, 2011

I don't know whether I should be surprised that so many people think this is all fake, or depressed because I know so many people that would make statements like this that I actually thought it was true.
posted by kro at 1:09 AM on February 10, 2011

Do girls really have earnest discussions about naming a dildo?

I've been a girl for 28 3/4 years now, and I've never discussed dildo nomenclature with any of my 'gal pals'.

But hey, cool story bro.
posted by mippy at 1:51 AM on February 10, 2011

Although I was on the tube opposite a couple of pretty posh teenage girls. One of them had an Abercrombie bag with a man with such defined pectorals that I was initially surprised that a mainstream store would produce a carrier bag with a topless woman on it.

'Jennie's, like, joining the RAF or something?'
'Whassat?'
'I dunno...think it's, like...the air army.'
'She always does, like, weird things?'
posted by mippy at 1:52 AM on February 10, 2011

But I don't need any of your pity
I got plenty of my own friends
They're all above me
posted by bwg at 2:30 AM on February 10, 2011

Male-bodied humans also have pretty dumb conversations. Walking into my bar last night, about to get on shift, I over heard this wonderful exchange:

"BRO, I can't believe you got 86'd!"
"NO WAY BRO, I totally got 86'd!"
"That's cause you're drunk and gay, bro!"
"I am totally not drunk and gay, bro!"
posted by special agent conrad uno at 2:39 AM on February 10, 2011 [2 favorites]

Dear Girls Above Me:

I guess really I should call this, Dear Single Moment Of Inspiration I had all Last Year, thank you so so so so much for working out christ, it was going to kill me if I had to move back in with mom and dad...
posted by From Bklyn at 2:51 AM on February 10, 2011

Is it possible to boycott a TV show due to its pure shittiness?

Can you boycott something you already wouldn't watch?
posted by The ____ of Justice at 2:54 AM on February 10, 2011

In this scenario, who would Dexter kill? I think the answer is clear enough.
posted by taz at 3:16 AM on February 10, 2011 [2 favorites]

And he has a couple of Youtube videos, too.
posted by SteveInMaine at 3:21 AM on February 10, 2011

Oh, I'm quite sure he does.
posted by mippy at 4:03 AM on February 10, 2011

A thriller in which a man becomes obsessed with his upstairs neighbors who seem to be taunting and teasing and targeting him through elaborate pranks and tricks until in final act it is revealed they they're a figment of his broken mind.

How 'bout a spoiler alert next time? Asshole!
posted by NoMich at 4:30 AM on February 10, 2011

I've got it! We'll do an animated show written by this guy and drawn by the guy who does The Oatmeal! And then we'll gouge our eyes out with grapefruit spoons.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 4:52 AM on February 10, 2011 [5 favorites]

These girls lived above me.

"GET AWAY FROM ME YOU BITCH"
*THUMP*
*silence*

Another time the girls across the parking lot decided to 'walk' their lap dog (in the winter) by lowering it out the window. Poor thing was trying to jump back in but couldnt. finally it was unceromoniously hoisted back inside.

damn, sometimes I really loathe college students.
posted by dunkadunc at 5:10 AM on February 10, 2011

Sorry, I arrived late for this and all of the good snarky comments are taken. Let me say comment(s) 1, 2, 4, 7, 11, 29, 45 and 50. Thanks.
posted by fixedgear at 5:16 AM on February 10, 2011 [3 favorites]

Do girls really have earnest discussions about naming a dildo?

Naming something gives it power. Try it out, guys. Next time you're home alone and settle in for a marathon wank session, loudly declare "I HEREBY NAME THE FOLLOWING PERIOD OF MASTURBATION JULIO BATMAN TOUCHDOWN!"

I think you'll be pleasantly surprised at the results.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 5:19 AM on February 10, 2011 [8 favorites]

You have to be lacking something, perhaps a soul, to wish to profit off what others in your life say in unguarded moments. Yes, Shit My Dad Says guy, I'm looking at you!
posted by tommasz at 5:26 AM on February 10, 2011

The man upstairs knows nothing is beneath me.
posted by pracowity at 5:36 AM on February 10, 2011 [3 favorites]

So this is how you get a TV show eh? I guess that's "Democratic."
posted by fuq at 5:47 AM on February 10, 2011

Is this where I rant about the two batshit insane old ladies who live next door to me and routinely wake me up at 3am as they shriek in demented rage at one another (when one of them is snoring loud enough to hear it through the walls), threatening to "go in the kitchen and get a knife and stab you til you're dead, you fucking bitch"? Or about how they smoke so goddamn much that it actually seeps through the walls and makes my bedroom stink?

I HAVE BEEN SO PATIENT, YOU GUYS. WHY WON'T THEY JUST KILL EACH OTHER ALREADY.
posted by elizardbits at 6:06 AM on February 10, 2011 [1 favorite]

So, serious question. If this dude makes money off of blogging about these girls*, can they sue him later? I hope that is the case because I hate this guy.

*I mean, they don't exist. Obviously. But if they did.
posted by jenlovesponies at 6:10 AM on February 10, 2011

www.mypassiveaggressiveblogletmeshowyouit.com
posted by odinsdream at 6:27 AM on February 10, 2011 [1 favorite]

My upstairs neighbours have sex frequently and vigorously. While I don't begrudge anyone getting laid on a regular basis, I often work at home and find myself wondering how the recipient of such... enthusiasm is able to walk after. I've also occasionally been tempted to bang on the ceiling with a broom when it gets too distracting. During one particularly memorable incident, when it seemed like the bed/whatever piece of furniture they were defiling was going to crash through my ceiling, I took the suggestion of a Romanian friend and shouted "STINGE-TE!" which means "Extinguish yourself!".

I doubt they heard me, but it was strangely satisfying nonetheless.
posted by torisaur at 6:32 AM on February 10, 2011 [1 favorite]

My upstairs neighbours have sex frequently and vigorously.

Oh my God, I knew your name was familiar!
posted by Astro Zombie at 6:35 AM on February 10, 2011 [1 favorite]

mypassiveaggressiveblogletmeshowyouit.com is available.
posted by andreaazure at 6:50 AM on February 10, 2011 [1 favorite]

I thought these were going to be his thoughts while being rode reverse cowgirl style
posted by Mick at 6:55 AM on February 10, 2011 [3 favorites]

Dear girl above me:

You're a DJ and you practice at home and your boyfriend played guitar at odd hours and seemed like kind of a jerk but then you guys broke up and I guess you're dating someone else and you spend like all your time at his house so we haven't even seen you in months and it's like having no upstairs neighbor at all which is great so I wish you two luck but not so much that you can completely move in to his place and we have to get a real upstairs neighbor.
posted by Who_Am_I at 6:55 AM on February 10, 2011 [1 favorite]

In the old days we used to pester the girls that lived above us by giving them flowers and chocolate, taking them dancing, telling jokes, and other sorts of red-blooded behaviour.
posted by KokuRyu at 7:05 AM on February 10, 2011

Dear upstairs neighbors,

I used to think you were a couple of foxes, but it turned out you were squirrels (or possibly raccoons). Regardless, the cats want to eat you.
posted by jtron at 7:06 AM on February 10, 2011 [8 favorites]

Coming this fall to NBC: David Berkowitz starring in "Shit my Neighbor's Dog Says".
posted by dr_dank at 7:13 AM on February 10, 2011 [8 favorites]

You have to be lacking something, perhaps a soul, to wish to profit off what others in your life say in unguarded moments.

Well, Henry James once said "Try to be one of the people on whom nothing is lost!" Junior McDowell's blog is a shitactular example of this habit, but profiting off what others say in unguarded moments is exactly how writers have worked for centuries now.

(My own all-time favorite fellow apartment building-dweller was the old lady who wandered around the building drunk and half naked, shouting at passers-by from the stairwell landing windows. But much as she liked to get loaded, she hated weed and if she thought she smelled it she'd scream for hours "I don't like drugs and I don't like marijuana and I don't want to live with someone who does!" Once she screamed so long the gay sailor threw a hammer at her.)
posted by octobersurprise at 7:15 AM on February 10, 2011

Dear girls above me,

Yes I think I've seen you before.
posted by Uther Bentrazor at 7:23 AM on February 10, 2011

Creepy and probably faked.
posted by KirkJobSluder at 7:24 AM on February 10, 2011

meh, this comes across as rather BOYZONE-y. Or maybe LOLDITZES. For example, it's obvious that humans in possession of ovaries will only watch the superbowl for the half-time and make critical comments about the color palette of the players' uniforms. In any case, I feel a little less human reading it.
posted by LMGM at 7:32 AM on February 10, 2011

He's not just a regular guy: he's the son of Malcolm McDowell

And slooshy I would. Where I was taken to, brothers, was like no flat I'd been in before. I was bound up in a straight-jacket and my gulliver was strapped to a headrest with like wires running away from it. It seemed a bit crazy to me, but I let them get on with what they wanted to get on with. If I was to be a free young malchick in a fortnight's time, I would put up with much in the meantime, my brothers.

The first sounds were real horroshow, a few devotchkas guffing and govoreeting. But then I started in to pony their meanings, and let me tell you, my brothers, they were so gloopy i'm surprised they had brains in their gullivers. I started to feel sick, really sick in my guttiwuts. I told them I was cured! I begged and pleaded. But the devotchkas kept on. I wanted nothing more but to snuff it.

Then I realized, if I were to remember all their cheepooka, I could write it down on the twittiwit for droogs around the world to guff at! And perhaps, o my brothers, they'd make it into a show for the telly! As the devotchkas prattered on about their malchicks and the in-and-out, I could viddy myself very clear, running and running on like very light and mysterious feet, carving the whole face of the creeching world with my cut throat britva. I was cured all right.
posted by condour75 at 8:01 AM on February 10, 2011 [9 favorites]

Heh, I remember living in an apartment above two middle-aged alcoholic men who were in a very dysfunctional and occasionally abusive relationship. It wasn't funny. In fact, it was very depressing and disturbing to hear the nightly progression from mild insults to actual physical violence.
posted by TrialByMedia at 9:13 PM on February 9

Shut Up, Little Man came to mind immediately to me also.

This American Life (before it was called This American Life, even) featured them on one of their first ever episodes (segment starts around 32:30).
posted by norm at 8:06 AM on February 10, 2011

Creeeeeeepy.
posted by kryptondog at 8:38 AM on February 10, 2011

Dear Penthouse:

I never thought this would happen to me, but I swear it is all true.

So these three kind of dumb but really hot girls moved into the apartment above me and I can hear a lot of the things they say because I keep my ear glued to the vents. Some of it is is kind of dumb if I take it completely out of context.

I know they are really hot for me, and are just waiting for some kind of sign from me so they can make their move amiright? So here's what I decided to do.

Given I have no discernable talent at either music, lip syncing, or video production, am not really that attractive or rich, I figured I could let them know I am here by sort of co-opting that site Shit My Dad says, and make them famous by posting snotty little burst of 140 character wisdom on a website, and wait for them to notice it, and hence, they notice me.

I may even get a TV deal out of it! Even if it gets cancelled after one episode, I will still have writer cred, and that is pure gold baby.

You other guys can waste your money on dates and flowers, and your time on conversations if you want, but if you really want to get hot chicks to pay attention to you and have massive sex all the time, the best way is to set up a web site calling them vapid sluts. Chicks totally dig that!

signed

Hittin That Send Key While I'm Tappin That Ass.
posted by timsteil at 8:54 AM on February 10, 2011 [2 favorites]

so made up
posted by hockeyfan at 9:05 AM on February 10, 2011

"Charlie McDowell, a comedy writer living in Los Angeles"
...
The network [CBS] has bought an idea based on the blog and Twitter feed "Dear Girls Above Me," according to The Hollywood Reporter."

3) It was setup as a TV show by Katalyst Media aka Ashton Kutcher's company, who sold another twitter-based show called "Shh, Don't Tell Steve"

Patched these together for a Twitter-feed-to-sitcom deal I'm working on. It's tentatively entitled "Look at this Fucking Media Business' Intellectual Bankruptcy, Honestly, Look At It, It Makes The Eighties Look Like The Goddamn Renaissance Fucking Webster Was A Richer Premise You Braindead Leeches."

I think I need to tighten up the title a bit, but otherwise we're good to go. Gonna get a Baldwin brother to play the howling lunatic.
posted by gompa at 9:06 AM on February 10, 2011 [3 favorites]

I would like to remind everyone that not every woman names her dildo/vibrator. Most women, even the ones who get pegged as "bimbo", are quite aware that is an inanimate object.
posted by GEB's fun world at 9:09 AM on February 10, 2011

This thread is hilarious. Seriously - this is some of the funniest shit I've ever read.
posted by Baby_Balrog at 9:19 AM on February 10, 2011

Patched these together for a Twitter-feed-to-sitcom deal I'm working on. It's tentatively entitled "Look at this Fucking Media Business' Intellectual Bankruptcy, Honestly, Look At It, It Makes The Eighties Look Like The Goddamn Renaissance Fucking Webster Was A Richer Premise You Braindead Leeches."

I think I need to tighten up the title a bit

Especially if you're going to do the naturally obvious thing an promote it on Twitter in 140 character bursts. Might I suggest Renaissance Fucking Webster. No matter what it is, I would watch something with that title.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 9:31 AM on February 10, 2011 [1 favorite]

Tonight on Renaissance Fucking Webster, sparks fly and romance blossoms when Emmanuel's new friend Leonardo comes by to show him how to make a simple flying machine. Followed by random jump-cut snippets of three different catty passive-agressive arguments about who started it on America's Next Big Famewhore. And then it's The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. All on NBC!
posted by gompa at 9:42 AM on February 10, 2011 [2 favorites]

Man, That's So Caligula is a rerun. iIve already seen the very special horse-sex episode.
posted by The Whelk at 9:44 AM on February 10, 2011 [4 favorites]

"I wrote one about Catherine the Great. And she was lamenting the fact that she got bad press, and she said she did all these things, but then "you sleep with one horse and you're a horsefucker for life." - Tina Fey
posted by timsteil at 9:51 AM on February 10, 2011

When I was in college, staying in the subsidized apartments, we'd often hear odd noises from the upstairs.

Most often it ran Thud. THUD. THUDTHUDTHUDTHUD-Crash!!!! It sounded bizarrely like they were running the length of the apartment and then breaking crockery.

This went on for some time, and eventually we went upstairs to introduce ourselves. The inhabitants invited us in, but warned us to wear shoes, because the floor was covered in broken dishes.

Apparently, they didn't like doing dishes, so they just threw their dishes against the wall when they were done, often with a running start. Every now and then they'd sweep the shards into a trash bag and steal new dishes from the cafeteria.
posted by Karmakaze at 10:04 AM on February 10, 2011 [4 favorites]

Dear God...
posted by dougrayrankin at 10:08 AM on February 10, 2011

I once lived in the apartment below a rhino. An interior decorator rhino who rearranged the furniture once or twice a night. Loudly.
posted by Biblio at 10:08 AM on February 10, 2011

I never want to be anybody's upstairs neighbor.
posted by contraption at 10:52 AM on February 10, 2011

Dear downstairs girl.
posted by Namlit at 11:01 AM on February 10, 2011

Aah that was sweet
posted by Namlit at 11:02 AM on February 10, 2011

Deer Upstairs, Girl! DEER UPSTAIRS.
posted by The Whelk at 11:03 AM on February 10, 2011 [1 favorite]

This one made me LOL pretty hard:
"Dear Girls Above Me,
Thanks for leaving on the DVD menu to ’27 Dresses’ while you’re out of town. I’ve been meaning to listen to that loop 5,473 times."
posted by Jacqueline at 11:39 AM on February 10, 2011

Back in college the guys next door to us were really loud and we could hear their drunken yelling even though they were in a freestanding house and we were in an apartment. One night we heard them screaming with delight because they found an opossum and they were chasing it and discovered it had made a nest in their garage and they gleefully destroyed the opossum's home.

Two nights later their house burned to the ground.

I don't know what happened for sure, the firemen were guessing it was an electrical fire but I still don't fuck with opossums.
posted by caution live frogs at 11:41 AM on February 10, 2011 [10 favorites]

My upstairs neighbors:
- single dad, nice guy, works hard, kinda feel bad for what he's dealing with
- teenage daughter and her baby, the only time I see them is when she's out front smoking
- another older daughter (I think?), wears scrubs, talks on the phone and smokes a lot out front
- a constantly changing male "other" (for a while this "other" was the baby-daddy (single dad kicked him out), then it was some hipster dude, then it was the baby-daddy again, now it's some foreign relative)
- a seemingly endless cast of friends (or whatever they are) that stand outside the front door and smoke at all hours of the day and night.

The galloping up and down the stairs, the constant running of the washer and dryer (are those bricks in there?) in the basement, and what sounds like football practice upstairs are beyond tiresome at this point. Also, not being able to park in my assigned spot because they have 4+ cars parked in the backyard at all times is really getting on my nerves.

I could probably make up all kinds of drama about them and start some kind of blog, but, eh, what will that get me, really? I just don't have the patience or energy to devote to that. Just writing this post took me an hour. ;)

Do girls really have earnest discussions about naming a dildo?

I can tell you that I've never discussed names for sex toys with my girlfriends, but we've certainly discussed the merits of various toys.

Also, none of my toys have names.
posted by MsVader at 11:58 AM on February 10, 2011

Thanks for leaving on the DVD menu to ’27 Dresses’ while you’re out of town. I’ve been meaning to listen to that loop 5,473 times."

How does he know what movie it is?
posted by fuq at 12:44 PM on February 10, 2011

Also: if this guy is a "comedy" writer he should make sure he has other employment options available.
posted by fuq at 12:50 PM on February 10, 2011 [1 favorite]

I used to have a family of opossums living in my upstairs. They were such a pain in the ass... they would always be scraping something wood at 3 in the morning and I would start yelling and hitting the ceiling with a broom.

I needed a way to scare them out of my ceiling crawlspace, and to scare the whole family out so I could barricade their entrance. Unfortunately, they had hired a black-ops team of very large spiders to guard the human-entrance to the crawlspace which left me screaming like a banshee when I tried to get up there myself.

So I brought my very loud amps and cabs home from band practice space. And put on Black Dice, at full volume. Turns out opossums do not like Black Dice.

It was both glorious and adorable to see the mom running away with the baby in her teeth.
posted by special agent conrad uno at 1:04 PM on February 10, 2011 [2 favorites]

mannequito: "Heh, I remember living in an apartment above two middle-aged alcoholic men who were in a very dysfunctional and occasionally abusive relationship. It wasn't funny. In fact, it was very depressing and disturbing to hear the nightly progression from mild insults to actual physical violence.

Beck, is that you?"

Sigh - The good ol' days when the word "Beck" was something GOOD. ;_;
posted by symbioid at 1:32 PM on February 10, 2011

Metafilter: mom running away with the baby in her teeth.
posted by Namlit at 1:35 PM on February 10, 2011

Once she screamed so long the gay sailor threw a hammer at her.

It's like you were living in a Tom Waits song.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 1:38 PM on February 10, 2011 [7 favorites]

Medieval Maven: "I once lived in a townhome complex where, for whatever reason, I became convinced the guy in the condo next to us was the source of the late night garage band bullshit keeping me up til 3am.

Imagine his surprise when one night I finally lost my ever-loving shit and went over there to tell him to SHUT THE EFF UP ALREADY, YOU ARE KILLING ME, SLEEP DEPRIVATION KILLS PEOPLE.

Yeah. It was the other unit. I'd be embarrassed but I was at that point so mentally tortured by midnight to 3am Jimi Hendrix impressions that I wasn't even capable of higher reasoning."

I had that exact same experience, but the damn guy had an audience too. I just called the cops enough times that he got evicted.
posted by NiteMayr at 1:40 PM on February 10, 2011

Doing a little bit of research, I learned that Charlie McDowell is the son of Mary Steenburgen and Malcolm McDowell, which makes his step-father Ted Danson.
I wish he lived below me.
posted by QueerAngel28 at 2:39 PM on February 10, 2011

Dear girls above me
Cheap ones underneath
Here I am
Stuck in the middle with you
posted by Sparx at 2:39 PM on February 10, 2011 [1 favorite]

I am lucky in that there is only one floor above me in my building and the people above, whoever they are, are fairly quiet.

My flatmates are a couple and they are the loudest people ever though. They don't like music, which I know because they have one playlist of like 20 songs and that's all they ever play. On a loop. And the last few songs are some kind of endless wordless dancey club-type things.

But I win because I have a guitar and an amp.
posted by Put the kettle on at 3:56 PM on February 10, 2011

Dear Pretentious Son of Famous People Pretending to Be an Average Guy Just like Us in Brooklyn or Somewhere, with a Gimmicky Mean-Spirited Book-Deal-Bait Tumblr Which Is Not Really "Letters to" but Quotations from Your Imaginary Neighbors with Your Snotty One-Liners Added, the Concept of Which Was Probably Suggested by Your Publicist, Also I Have a Sneaking Suspicion You Only Date Women Who Are a 9 or Above on Your Personal but Exacting Standards of Attractiveness and Then Complain Bitterly about Them when They Turn Out to Be Shallow,

I have nothing to say to you.
posted by Metroid Baby at 4:06 PM on February 10, 2011 [1 favorite]

Remember how his old man was manager of the Sex Pistols and he's fairly much admitted he gamed the media and it was all an act [except for Sid Vicious].

The Great Rock and Roll Swindle

I can see his guiding hand in this.
posted by uncanny hengeman at 4:38 PM on February 10, 2011

Resets sarcasm meter....yep.
posted by fixedgear at 4:43 PM on February 10, 2011

uncanny hengeman: I think you are conflating Malcom McLaren and Malcom McDowell.
posted by rmd1023 at 6:54 PM on February 10, 2011 [1 favorite]

It's like you were living in a Tom Waits song.

I was, baby, I was.
posted by octobersurprise at 6:57 PM on February 10, 2011

Remember how his old man did that 'rap' version of the 'Friends, Romans, Countrymen' speech? Man, what the hell was that?
posted by box at 7:32 PM on February 10, 2011

It's like you were living in a Tom Waits song.

I was, baby, I was.

Gay sailors? More like Querelle
posted by The Whelk at 7:36 PM on February 10, 2011

uncanny hengeman: I think you are conflating Malcom McLaren and Malcom McDowell.
posted by uncanny hengeman at 7:38 PM on February 10, 2011 [1 favorite]

Remember how his old man was the middle kid in a wacky family with three boys, and the older brother was a bully, and the younger brother was fucking goofy, and the father did that one skate dance routine to Funkytown? I loved that show.
posted by taz at 8:05 PM on February 10, 2011

Remember when his old man wrote that book about freedom by any means necessary? I think it was called The Tipping Point.
posted by box at 8:37 PM on February 10, 2011 [3 favorites]

Ok, I've come full circle on this. Give the guy a break. Not exactly an apartment, but still totally plausible: 1 br, 1 ba condo, 886 square feet.

(Also, the internet is scary.)
posted by turducken at 8:41 PM on February 10, 2011

Dear Guy Next Door Who Seems to Be Having Screaming Matches with Someone on the Phone Every Night,

Did you, by any chance, just get Call of Duty?
posted by AugieAugustus at 10:01 AM on February 11, 2011

Screaming Matches? No. It's Downstairs Girl. I said. (And my heel still hurts) [but, she stopped]
posted by Namlit at 12:54 PM on February 12, 2011

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