Twinkie, Twinkie, little suet-filled sponge-cake Crisco log, now I know just what you are.
by Jane and Michael Stern
Stern Twinkies (Stinkies)
1 stick margarine
1/2 cup Crisco
1 1/2 cups granulated sugar
3/4 cup evaporated milk
1 tablespoon nondairy creamer
1 tablespoon vanilla extract
1 cup sugar
1/4 cup boiling water
1 cup sifted cake flour
1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1/4 teaspoon salt
[Long instructions follow: am too blinded with tears to continue]
William Poundstone ... concludes that real Twinkie roe, as some call it, has no cream or whipped egg whites or egg yolks or butter or even margarine. Twinkies, Poundstone says, are filled with sugar and/or corn syrup, hydrogenated vegetable oil, lard, beef fat, skim milk, butter flavoring (which is used "to make beef suet taste like whipped cream straight from the can", lecithin and lots of air.
Into our food processor went everything on the list. The lard was pretty -- a soapy-white block of clarified hog fat. The suet, however, was horrifying -- a blood-streaked loaf of adipose cattle tissue that looked like it might be the waste from a liposuction clinic. To make it less scary, we asked our butcher to grind the suet into a wormy mound. We beat and whipped the whole mess for 15 minutes.
The sight of it made us gag. Our drugstore lecithin had turned the filling a grim beige. And we hadn't used enough artificial butter flavor to disguise the aroma of uncooked fat. The flavor was horrifically fleshy, such as only a cannibal could love, but with enough corn syrup sweetness to numb the tongue. Yes, here was a foodstuff truly capable of driving a man to murder, a foodstuff truly fit for sick elephants and hysterical baboons.
We didn't have more than a taste. Were we being too fussy? We imagined this homemade filling bleached white and deodorized by a mechanized corporate bakery; we closed our eyes and held our noses and touched it to our tongues, and sure enough, with our other senses fettered, it at least felt like what's inside a Twinkie. Nonetheless, we didn't bother to swallow it, or to inject it into snack cakes.
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