The internet raises all-in

March 21, 2011 7:28 PM

I have no idea how this poor child performer got on an American morning show and then got slowed down 33%, or why. However, I feel the results will likely be viewed by future historians as the primary contribution of this, and indeed any other, civilization. (SLYT)
posted by felix (103 comments total)

It's a joke that's been used before, but no description available indeed.
posted by codacorolla at 7:32 PM on March 21, 2011 [4 favorites]

Leah Remini looks like she's going to throw up.
posted by MegoSteve at 7:34 PM on March 21, 2011 [8 favorites]

Pizza.
posted by ND¢ at 7:35 PM on March 21, 2011 [24 favorites]

I look like I'm going to th
posted by Splunge at 7:35 PM on March 21, 2011 [3 favorites]

Is this child Internet shame forever week? I didn't get the memo. Still, pretty hilarious.
posted by BrotherCaine at 7:36 PM on March 21, 2011 [2 favorites]

All bad performers should be mocked, and right mercilessly to boot. Child performers triply so. They should be mocked beyond the point of permanent, life-destroying emotional trauma.
posted by Decani at 7:39 PM on March 21, 2011 [11 favorites]

It's funny how changing the context makes me re-interpret the expressions on the faces of the hosts.
posted by carter at 7:40 PM on March 21, 2011 [5 favorites]

It’s Friday, Friday Gotta get down on Friday Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the weekend, weekend
Fri....WAIT A SECOND WHAT IS THIS NEW AND DELIGHTFUL INTERVIDEO?
posted by pashdown at 7:42 PM on March 21, 2011 [4 favorites]

ND¢: "Pizza"

P I Z Z A!

(also, this type of thing reminds me of that preacher Static by Godspeed You! Black Emperor)
posted by symbioid at 7:43 PM on March 21, 2011 [1 favorite]

This is almost funny enough to make me forget how disgusting this kind of child exploitation is.

Almost.
posted by triceryclops at 7:43 PM on March 21, 2011 [15 favorites]

"Ia! Ia! Cutie Patootie fhtagn!"
posted by Foci for Analysis at 7:44 PM on March 21, 2011 [54 favorites]

As someone who spends his life backstage, it gives me some sort of hope that an audio guy finally melted down and maybe the thought of more of them in the future gives producers everywhere pause.
posted by nevercalm at 7:47 PM on March 21, 2011 [2 favorites]

She sounds like Kim Gordon
posted by Flashman at 7:49 PM on March 21, 2011 [19 favorites]

Sharon Osborne rolling her eyes is great!
posted by Grumpy old geek at 7:51 PM on March 21, 2011 [1 favorite]

Grotesque at any speed.
posted by dirigibleman at 7:52 PM on March 21, 2011 [6 favorites]

Perhaps you wondered about the lyrics. Wonder no more.
posted by ottereroticist at 7:52 PM on March 21, 2011 [2 favorites]

Nevercalm: the video was slowed down by a nefarious third party after broadcast. You can see the original in the related video section.
posted by felix at 7:52 PM on March 21, 2011

Seeing that little girl remixed as a drunken dwarf was (a) sort of funny and (b) nowhere near as disturbing as the thought that there are parents out there who will dress their six-year-olds up like prom queens and have them run around singing about shaking their booty. I know, let's all teach our girls that the key to success is being as sexy as possible for the boys! Jesus.
posted by Dasein at 7:57 PM on March 21, 2011 [11 favorites]

It's a sad day when it's the scientologist in the room giving you the reality check.
posted by kimota at 8:04 PM on March 21, 2011 [3 favorites]

You laugh, but she has a debilitating genetic disease that makes her voice lower and slower as she ages. By the time she'll hit puberty, she'll sound like a glint junkie.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 8:05 PM on March 21, 2011 [3 favorites]

Embrace the Void.
posted by BeerFilter at 8:05 PM on March 21, 2011 [2 favorites]

I'm with Leah Remini on this one.
posted by benito.strauss at 8:09 PM on March 21, 2011

It's interesting how the lady in the middle, pink jacket and black blouse, seems to be in a loop:

(1) Get all excited at the awesomeness;

(2) Look to the other hosts who will surely also be excited at the awesomeness;

(3) Notice that the other hosts seem disturbed rather than excited at the awesomeness;

(4) Attempt to comport;

(5) Goto (1).
posted by Flunkie at 8:10 PM on March 21, 2011 [14 favorites]

I stared into the abyss and it stared back and then spit acid in my eyes
posted by GilloD at 8:12 PM on March 21, 2011 [3 favorites]

I keep trying to watch this on YouTube. Every video is a different speed, and I can't figure out which one is real! She scares me.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 8:12 PM on March 21, 2011 [1 favorite]

I assumed the lady in the middle was the mother, i.e. the only one who, at some point, must have thought this was a really good idea.
posted by benito.strauss at 8:13 PM on March 21, 2011 [4 favorites]

what good christ no
posted by mhoye at 8:13 PM on March 21, 2011 [1 favorite]

Let's go to the YouTube commenters to sum this one up:

If you roll a turd in pink taffeta and pink glitter, its still a turd.

I think I just found my new personal credo.
posted by Dr. Zira at 8:14 PM on March 21, 2011 [7 favorites]

Isn't this the new Ween video?
posted by KokuRyu at 8:16 PM on March 21, 2011 [8 favorites]

Original speed. Somehow it's worse.
posted by av123 at 8:17 PM on March 21, 2011 [6 favorites]

OK, I have to go to bed now. I will unsee this in my dreams...and no, not David Lynch dwarf dreams. Nice, wholesome anxiety dreams about work or something.
posted by kozad at 8:17 PM on March 21, 2011 [2 favorites]

Someday I, too, am going to be the featured star of my own Mid-America Variety-Show Tour.
posted by Dr. Zira at 8:20 PM on March 21, 2011 [1 favorite]

The 'gotterdammerung' tag needs to see more use!
posted by kafziel at 8:20 PM on March 21, 2011 [8 favorites]

That little girl is mentioned in passing in Peggy Orenstein's Cinderella Ate My Daughter.
posted by box at 8:21 PM on March 21, 2011 [1 favorite]

Whipcream pouring like waterfalls!
posted by Jazz.bot at 8:21 PM on March 21, 2011 [2 favorites]

I liked Julie Chen's glassy eyed stare... Sure, she musta seen some Weird. Ass. Shit. hosting Big Brother, but nothing prepares you for a drunken drawling dwarf and her patootie!
posted by OneMonkeysUncle at 8:22 PM on March 21, 2011 [1 favorite]

Lordy - I have to look at a normal kid for a while.









That helped.
posted by louche mustachio at 8:26 PM on March 21, 2011 [68 favorites]

It's interesting how the lady in the middle, pink jacket and black blouse, seems to be in a loop:

That would be the kid's mother.

As you can see from the URL in kimota's link above:
http://www.blogcdn.com/www.tvsquad.com/media/2010/12/talk2.jpg
this was news three months ago.
posted by spock at 8:31 PM on March 21, 2011

At this point on the proceedings I would just like to post this marvellous video. This is how children should be used. Mmm. As bee children. Nasty little bee children. It's all they're fit for. Come on.
posted by Decani at 8:36 PM on March 21, 2011

Sez some TWOP poster (Eden is the little girl in the video):

The author who wrote Cinderella Ate My Daughter said Mickie & Eden routines were completely synchronized, including facial expressions. Eden was four at the time and Traci, Taralynn’s mom remarked that Eden has been in pageants since she was a year old but still needed her mother’s help in order to complete her routines. Of course Traci smugly pointed out that Taralynn, who was also four did everything on her own. She has a point. I wonder if it was painful for Mickie to watch Eden do Cutie Patootie on the Talk without coaching her.
posted by box at 8:40 PM on March 21, 2011

Needs more DJ Screw.
posted by electroboy at 8:46 PM on March 21, 2011 [1 favorite]

Oh yeah, almost forgot -- Obligatory Mr Show.
posted by symbioid at 8:53 PM on March 21, 2011

av123: "Original speed. Somehow it's worse."

For the love of all that holy and noodly... the original made me want to scream in terror... as if corpses had risen up from the hole that was going to be my in ground pool
posted by MrLint at 8:58 PM on March 21, 2011 [2 favorites]

As you can see from the looks on the hosts faces, decani, the child has everyone's pity. It is the kid's parents who are rightfully being mocked.
posted by spock at 9:04 PM on March 21, 2011

After watching the screwed version, the original sounds like Alvin and the Chipmunks dressed up in 19th century bordello costume. However, I agree with the above: mocking child performers is unseemly. Where are this poor girl's parents? I want to mock them.
posted by Nelson at 9:05 PM on March 21, 2011

However, I agree with the above: mocking child performers is unseemly.

Are we supposed to smile and nod at them? At what point are they supposed to learn that they shouldn't be on stage making fools of themselves?
posted by Threeway Handshake at 9:10 PM on March 21, 2011 [1 favorite]

Leah Remini is a scientologist? No, say it ain't so.
posted by djduckie at 9:12 PM on March 21, 2011

I was nursing my son when I (stupidly) hit PLAY. He spun around and stared at the screen. And then turned back to me. Clearly freaked out, he pointed an accusing baby finger at the video. "Buhwuh?"

Kid knows the deal.

Now to talk myself out of clicking on the related video: I AM BEAUTIFUL, starring that same poor child. :(
posted by thehmsbeagle at 9:15 PM on March 21, 2011 [7 favorites]

Wow. What the hell?
She's also really fat.
(That is only a joke. A very, very tasteless joke.)
posted by Gilbert at 9:16 PM on March 21, 2011 [2 favorites]

Surely this
posted by porpoise at 9:17 PM on March 21, 2011

Girl from Roseanne: I was wondering, from you, do you really want to be in pageants?
Girl: I wanna do that... all. (sweeping hand gesture)
Other lady: So, how old were you when you started getting in pageants?
Girl: Looks at Mom.
Mom: You were about 14 months.

/puke
posted by sophist at 9:21 PM on March 21, 2011 [3 favorites]

I LOVE SHARON OSBOURNE GOOD GOD
posted by rahnefan at 9:28 PM on March 21, 2011

She's like the four-year-old version of this sweet little darlin' . . .
posted by flug at 9:40 PM on March 21, 2011

more than ever I think everyone owes that Folsom Prison kid an apology.
posted by rahnefan at 9:41 PM on March 21, 2011

The slowed version sounds a lot like Crystal from Squidbillies
posted by rahnefan at 9:47 PM on March 21, 2011 [1 favorite]

Hip hop for soccer moms?
posted by no mind at 9:52 PM on March 21, 2011

can you imagine the kind of therapy you would need to deal with this later?
posted by neuromodulator at 10:00 PM on March 21, 2011 [4 favorites]

I'm not sure I really understand the reactions of the hosts. They seemed to be disapproving way beyond the 'this is not entertaining' level of disapproval to the 'this is morally wrong!' level.

Obviously I found the whole child beauty pageant stuff kind of creepy like everyone else in an uncanny valley kind of way, but this performance didn't seem that bad. The response seemed over the top.

I also think it would have been kind of mean for the kid to see those faces as she performed. We only got one audience shot (which showed disproving faces), maybe most of the people in the audience weren't doing that, hopefully not.
posted by delmoi at 10:13 PM on March 21, 2011 [1 favorite]

Wow.

Watching the mom make unrequited "isn't that just darling!" facial expressions brings to mind this old SNL bit.
posted by ibmcginty at 10:14 PM on March 21, 2011 [1 favorite]

Dear God. This is like a straight-to-You-LIVE vivisection.
posted by nj_subgenius at 10:34 PM on March 21, 2011

Finally, I have the song to keep playing over and over in my head if I ever live in a world where the police are psychic and I need to plot a murder.
posted by Astro Zombie at 10:40 PM on March 21, 2011 [32 favorites]

The 'gotterdammerung' tag needs to see more use!

Seconded.

In particular I think someone should burn a copy of this clip to a DVD and take it to one of those barely-inhabited post-bubble Florida exurbs in like Lehigh Acres or something and set up a brand-new 70" plasma TV amid the wreckage of one of the few completed units, now vacated and foreclosed, just mount it on the wall of the debris-ridden living room and play this clip on an infinite loop at top volume, and then shoot a short film that opens on tall grass and swamp a few hundred yards away and then tracks down an empty slow-winding exurban avenue, the sound of the clip emerging from white noise into some faint ancient melody and then gradually, gradually into the full roaring skronk of "Cutie Patootie" as the camera pans across the lawn and then up to the big picture window and finally into the abandoned family room where it continues to broadcast endlessly like the final lunatic message of some vanished civilization.

Yeah, someone should shoot that, post it to the blue. That'd be an excellent use of the gotterdammerung tag.
posted by gompa at 10:50 PM on March 21, 2011 [25 favorites]

neuromodulator: "can you imagine the kind of therapy you would need to deal with this later"

We were WARNED about the Therapist-ChildPagaent-Industrial Complex!
posted by symbioid at 10:52 PM on March 21, 2011

I have found my purpose in life.

I need to invent technology that will show parents their children as adults having the most disgusting, depraved sex. That way they may hold on to each fleeting hour where their child does not realize that "shaking their booty" is a solicitation for a hot cocking.

Parents, do you want your child to beg for a hot cocking on television?
posted by munchingzombie at 10:56 PM on March 21, 2011 [1 favorite]

They should be mocked beyond the point of permanent, life-destroying emotional trauma.

Oh, that's the type of mocking that promotes them to fame and fortune. I think they should only be mocked to the point of permanent, life-destroying emotional trauma.
posted by zephyr_words at 11:00 PM on March 21, 2011 [1 favorite]

How did JonBenet Ramsey get into the P-I-Z-Z-A video?
posted by benzenedream at 11:11 PM on March 21, 2011

P i z z a?
posted by zephyr_words at 11:11 PM on March 21, 2011 [1 favorite]

Why is nobody rushing to the defense of child beauty pageant moms?
posted by jnrussell at 11:24 PM on March 21, 2011

i'm now convinced reality is an elaborate prank.
posted by ninjew at 11:38 PM on March 21, 2011 [2 favorites]

This is the stuff nightmares are made of.
posted by hellslinger at 12:47 AM on March 22, 2011

This gets so much better when you discover that the kid's mom's middle name is Null.
posted by felix at 12:54 AM on March 22, 2011 [1 favorite]

And yet, nothing tops that damn Cookin' by the Book/Lil Jon mashup. Christ.
posted by disillusioned at 1:04 AM on March 22, 2011 [12 favorites]

Needs more DJ Screw.

I was gonna go there too, but then I felt awkward suggesting that more cute little girls should be chopped and screwed.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 2:04 AM on March 22, 2011

If that is not a sign of the apocalypse I just don't know what is.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 3:18 AM on March 22, 2011 [6 favorites]

I've never watched this show because it's such a blatant knock-off of The View (a trend that should have stopped after that Danny Bonaduce/ Dick Clark/ Mario Lopez show), but the fact that Holly Robinson Peete does not even pretend to clap at the end of that clip raises the whole show about a thousand points in my book.

And besides, I'm Team Makenzie, the original drunken dwarf, a chain-smoking diner waitress trapped in the body of a four-year-old.
posted by Sweetie Darling at 4:06 AM on March 22, 2011 [1 favorite]

> From the lyric translation link there is a line, 'snuggles n'gargoyles' which is also a disturbing image.
posted by a womble is an active kind of sloth at 4:38 AM on March 22, 2011

I'm not sure I really understand the reactions of the hosts. They seemed to be disapproving way beyond the 'this is not entertaining' level of disapproval to the 'this is morally wrong!' level.

In addition to the standard general child beauty pageant distastefulness, within moments of taking the stage, this little girl sings about shaking her ass. While doing so, she shakes her ass.
posted by Flunkie at 4:40 AM on March 22, 2011 [1 favorite]

>>I'm not sure I really understand the reactions of the hosts. They seemed to be disapproving way beyond the 'this is not entertaining' level of disapproval to the 'this is morally wrong!' level.

>In addition to the standard general child beauty pageant distastefulness, within moments of taking the stage, this little girl sings about shaking her ass. While doing so, she shakes her ass.

yeah. i am in the "that is morally wrong and jesus mom are you a fucking idiot?" camp.
posted by molecicco at 4:49 AM on March 22, 2011 [1 favorite]

Last week it was Rebecca Black, this week it's Cutie Patootie. Next week will it'll be Funky Fetus, famous before they're even born!
posted by tommasz at 5:32 AM on March 22, 2011

brb flying airplane into building
posted by Legomancer at 5:46 AM on March 22, 2011 [1 favorite]

Nah, they rang the gong two minutes into funky fetus' act and pulled him off stage with a coat hanger. I'm going to hell.
posted by BrotherCaine at 5:46 AM on March 22, 2011 [7 favorites]

A friend of mine just wrote a skit for his show at Second City in which two parents talk while watching their daughters take the stage at a beauty pageant and the mother is more and more disturbed by the emcee's increasingly serialized introductions, eventually blowing up in anger. Her own daughter's intro is tame, but after she takes the stage, the song she's performing is
posted by MCMikeNamara at 5:55 AM on March 22, 2011

Worse than this. I'll have to ask him if this was the inspiration. Of course, the girl in his skit was eight, because a younger kid would be ridiculous.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 5:57 AM on March 22, 2011

A girl I knew in college auditioned for a show when she was ten.

She sang "Hey Big Spender".

The producer offered her the job on the condition she not sing it again until she was an adult.

She kept that promise.
posted by jenlovesponies at 6:07 AM on March 22, 2011 [1 favorite]

That was a lot more disturbing than I expected. Uhh... thanks?
posted by ph00dz at 6:36 AM on March 22, 2011

Leah Remini looks like she's going to throw up.

I watched the not slowed down version because the slowed down version was too creepy and I couldn't get through it.

I love how the mom of the little girl is looking around and smiling like she expects everyone not to be horrified, and the hosts all look totally disgusted. I'm glad they broadcasted the reactions and I hope they influence more pageant families into realizing that their money is better spent buying scratch tickets or sending their sons/daughter to math and science camp. The latter is preferable, but I don't expect much from people who tart up their daughters and sons for pageants.
posted by anniecat at 7:15 AM on March 22, 2011 [1 favorite]

"If that is not a sign of the apocalypse I just don't know what is."

Yep, slowed 33%. Coincidence? Methinks not! It's an Illuminati plot... It must be!!!
posted by Capricorn13 at 7:16 AM on March 22, 2011

I think this was on Jezebel a month or so ago. Some commenter noted that the little girl said her tiny handbag dog who appeared on the show with her was named BJ.
posted by anniecat at 7:17 AM on March 22, 2011

Actually Capricorn12, that would need to be 23% for the illuminati to be involved.

FAKE!
posted by Windopaene at 7:32 AM on March 22, 2011 [1 favorite]

nothing tops that damn Cookin' by the Book/Lil Jon mashup.

I have a Devil Yeti and an Angel Yeti over each of my shoulders right now telling me to flag that... no wait, favorite it! No, flag! No, favorite! Flag! Favorite! *poof* *poof*

How about I just never watch that again?
posted by yeti at 7:40 AM on March 22, 2011

wow. for the first time i can now appreciate baby lu-lu. at least no children were hurt making that record.
posted by lester at 7:51 AM on March 22, 2011

Seeing that little girl remixed as a drunken dwarf was (a) sort of funny and (b) nowhere near as disturbing as the thought that there are parents out there who will dress their six-year-olds up like prom TACKY DRAG queens
posted by Dasein at 10:57 PM on March 21

FTFY
posted by liza at 7:52 AM on March 22, 2011 [1 favorite]

As someone who:
-loves children
-abhors pageantry
-doesn't approve of the word "dwarf" as a descriptor

I believe this is epic gold. I have posted it to facebook so that all my friends may revel in its glory.
posted by TomMelee at 7:57 AM on March 22, 2011

We need a YOUTUBE-FREE FPP Week.
posted by storybored at 8:03 AM on March 22, 2011

When I grow up I want to be like that girls mother, yet because I am a man I'm sure to be called a pimp.
posted by pianomover at 8:21 AM on March 22, 2011 [1 favorite]

Pre-natal beauty pageant.
posted by Zerowensboring at 9:20 AM on March 22, 2011 [1 favorite]

Robotussin is a hell of a drug.
posted by Liquidwolf at 9:23 AM on March 22, 2011 [1 favorite]

"I honestly thought this could be a good show, and not what feels like a women's book club where no one has read the book... or any books."
posted by Uther Bentrazor at 10:18 AM on March 22, 2011 [1 favorite]

Lordy - I have to look at a normal kid for a while.

That helped.
posted by louche mustachio at 4:26 AM on March 22

That kid needs to give us her war face.
posted by Decani at 6:58 PM on March 22, 2011 [2 favorites]

I'm not sure I really understand the reactions of the hosts. They seemed to be disapproving way beyond the 'this is not entertaining' level of disapproval to the 'this is morally wrong!' level.

In addition to the standard general child beauty pageant distastefulness, within moments of taking the stage, this little girl sings about shaking her ass. While doing so, she shakes her ass.

I'm with delmoi. I can see where you're coming from in the sense that it probably wasn't the most tasteful choice of music, I just can't see how that elevates it to the level of jaw-dropping, head-asploding horror being expressed around these parts.

When I was a kid, I'm sure I shook my booty to the song "shake your booty" more than once. I'm sure it was cute, as is this. I don't think the element of sexuality is intended, I think the mother just thought her daughter was a "cutie patootie" and looked adorable dancing to the song, and she didn't even think about the adult meaning of the lyrics. The first time I watched it, the sexual dimension didn't occur to me either.
posted by Xezlec at 9:12 PM on March 22, 2011

This just occurred to me: how much of the revulsion is because of her accent?
posted by Xezlec at 9:17 PM on March 22, 2011

... I honestly didn't notice an accent on the child, particularly when slowed down.
posted by kafziel at 9:22 PM on March 22, 2011

A challenger approaches.
posted by mccarty.tim at 9:40 AM on March 24, 2011 [1 favorite]