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"The first improvement in toilet paper since the 1880s"
April 25, 2011 7:18 PM   Subscribe

In 2009, Telebrands Corporation released the Comfort Wipe.
But that's not all! Josh Rimer introduces... the Comfortable Stick! Because toilet paper is so archaic and disgusting. (NSFW at all, at all)
posted by dunkadunc (65 comments total) 7 users marked this as a favorite

 
The Comfort Wipe looks like it could double for something else...
posted by MaryDellamorte at 7:26 PM on April 25, 2011 [1 favorite]


God bless America.
posted by DoctorFedora at 7:27 PM on April 25, 2011


Anyone else reminded of Dan Savage's trip to the NAAFA?
posted by leotrotsky at 7:27 PM on April 25, 2011


Elsewhere, wealthy people wiped themselves with wool, lace or hemp, while less wealthy people used their hand when defecating into rivers, or cleaned themselves with various materials such as rags, wood shavings, leaves, grass, hay, stone, sand, moss, water, snow, maize, ferns, may apple plant husks, fruit skins, or seashells, and corncobs, depending upon the country and weather conditions or social customs. In Ancient Rome, a sponge on a stick was commonly used, and, after usage, placed back in a bucket of saltwater. Several talmudic sources indicating ancient Jewish practice refer to the use of small pebbles, often carried on one's person in a special bag, and also to the use of dry grass and of the smooth edges of broken pottery jugs

HOLY SHIT THE 3 SEASHELLS
posted by nathancaswell at 7:29 PM on April 25, 2011 [18 favorites]


Telebrands=infomercial marketing.
posted by Yakuman at 7:30 PM on April 25, 2011


Fake? Also - Rimer.
posted by Mid at 7:31 PM on April 25, 2011


I want to make fun of the Comfort Wipe, but it's just making me think of a friend who died a few years ago -- she was morbidly obese and had breast cancer that spread everywhere and mobility of any kind became increasingly impossible in the last few months of her life. She was humiliated by all the basic things she couldn't do by herself anymore, and I can't help but think that she might have found a device like this useful. (She had to have one of those toilet seat booster-things, because even sitting on the toilet and getting herself up were herculean tasks towards the end. She was in her fifties.)
posted by Gator at 7:34 PM on April 25, 2011 [3 favorites]


At least now we know why she sells seashells by the sea shore.
posted by unSane at 7:34 PM on April 25, 2011 [1 favorite]


This is a much better idea than my invention, the Uncomfortable Stick.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 7:39 PM on April 25, 2011 [12 favorites]


Is there toilet paper on the USS Enterprise? How are things looking 500 years from now? What about Luke Skywalker.. what does he use?
posted by crapmatic at 7:39 PM on April 25, 2011


Based on the angle of the holder, it looks like it would have to be used from a standing position. Just sayin.
posted by cgk at 7:40 PM on April 25, 2011 [3 favorites]


What about Luke Skywalker.. what does he use?

Hint: Those are not boots.
posted by The World Famous at 7:45 PM on April 25, 2011 [3 favorites]


and nobody's mentioned chu-gi yet?
posted by oonh at 7:45 PM on April 25, 2011


My Nan has the comfort grip. She says it's perfect for holding toilet paper as well as passing serviettes to dinner guests.
posted by the noob at 7:48 PM on April 25, 2011 [4 favorites]


Use a spray bidet and mop up with a bit of tissue, you goddamned heathens.
posted by Burhanistan at 7:59 PM on April 25, 2011 [3 favorites]


A buddy of mine imported a Crapmaster 12,000 from Japan; heated seat, integrated swing-arm bidet, red LED to alert women in the dark the the last guy to use it left the seat up so don't splash your bare butt down into the cold porcelain bowl of water, the works.

Personally, I've had my eye on a Wali Wash after reading this editorial a couple of years ago. It totally sucks that American plumbing is absolutely not designed to take a stand-alone bidet, and most American toilets don't have an integrated one.
posted by Pirate-Bartender-Zombie-Monkey at 8:03 PM on April 25, 2011 [3 favorites]


The proper term for it is an Aubesian.
posted by dephlogisticated at 8:05 PM on April 25, 2011 [1 favorite]


My first thought was that this could be a rather shrewd bet for the fattening of America.
posted by Relay at 8:05 PM on April 25, 2011


Golf rules for beginners:

1) Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2) Form a loose grip.
3) Keep your head down.
4) Avoid a quick back swing.
5) Stay out of the water.
6) Try not to hit anyone.
7) If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8) Don't stand directly in front of others.
9) Quiet please ... while others are preparing to go.
10) Don't take extra strokes.

Now, that's very good. Flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off.
posted by netbros at 8:07 PM on April 25, 2011 [1 favorite]


Is there toilet paper on the USS Enterprise?

No need for it
posted by fredludd at 8:08 PM on April 25, 2011 [2 favorites]


The proper term for it is an Aubesian.

BTW, even if there isn't centaur porn, there is satyr porn.

posted by Pirate-Bartender-Zombie-Monkey at 8:10 PM on April 25, 2011


IIRC, humanity advanced beyond the need for money and toilets sometime in the late 22nd century.
posted by ryanrs at 8:10 PM on April 25, 2011


WARNING: PENNSYLVANIA DUTCH JOKE GLEANED FROM MY FATHER-IN-LAW:

In the outhouse there are two kinds of corncobs for wiping purposes, red and white. You use the red ones until you think you're done, then you use a white one to see if you got it all.


That's it.
posted by Ron Thanagar at 8:25 PM on April 25, 2011 [4 favorites]


I think there's a Star Trek episode where O'Brien is locked up in an alien prison and has to crap on the floor of his cell. They don't show it, of course. But I guess he mentions it to his therapist or something? Then it turns out none of it actually happened; the prison was a fake memory that the aliens programmed into O'Brien's brain.

tl;dr, a therapy session about taking a crap in a dream. That's the closest any Star Trek character has ever come to taking a shit.
posted by ryanrs at 8:29 PM on April 25, 2011 [9 favorites]


This debate was settled centuries ago.

There is no need of wiping one's tail, said Gargantua, but when it is foul; foul it cannot be, unless one have been a-skiting; skite then we must before we wipe our tails. O my pretty little waggish boy, said Grangousier, what an excellent wit thou hast? I will make thee very shortly proceed doctor in the jovial quirks of gay learning, and that, by G—, for thou hast more wit than age. Now, I prithee, go on in this torcheculative, or wipe-bummatory discourse, and by my beard I swear, for one puncheon, thou shalt have threescore pipes, I mean of the good Breton wine, not that which grows in Britain, but in the good country of Verron. Afterwards I wiped my bum, said Gargantua, with a kerchief, with a pillow, with a pantoufle, with a pouch, with a pannier, but that was a wicked and unpleasant torchecul; then with a hat. Of hats, note that some are shorn, and others shaggy, some velveted, others covered with taffeties, and others with satin. The best of all these is the shaggy hat, for it makes a very neat abstersion of the fecal matter.

Afterwards I wiped my tail with a hen, with a cock, with a pullet, with a calf's skin, with a hare, with a pigeon, with a cormorant, with an attorney's bag, with a montero, with a coif, with a falconer's lure. But, to conclude, I say and maintain, that of all torcheculs, arsewisps, bumfodders, tail-napkins, bunghole cleansers, and wipe-breeches, there is none in the world comparable to the neck of a goose, that is well downed, if you hold her head betwixt your legs. And believe me therein upon mine honour, for you will thereby feel in your nockhole a most wonderful pleasure, both in regard of the softness of the said down and of the temporate heat of the goose, which is easily communicated to the bum-gut and the rest of the inwards, in so far as to come even to the regions of the heart and brains. And think not that the felicity of the heroes and demigods in the Elysian fields consisteth either in their asphodel, ambrosia, or nectar, as our old women here used to say; but in this, according to my judgment, that they wipe their tails with the neck of a goose, holding her head betwixt their legs, and such is the opinion of Master John of Scotland, alias Scotus.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 8:54 PM on April 25, 2011 [3 favorites]


A bear and a rabbit are taking a dump in the woods. The bear asks the rabbit "Do you have trouble, you know, with it sticking to your fur?"

"No," the rabbit replies.

"Good," the bear says, and reaches for the rabbit.
posted by randomkeystrike at 8:57 PM on April 25, 2011 [8 favorites]


Is there toilet paper on the USS Enterprise? How are things looking 500 years from now?

In the future, everybody is French, and uses a bidet.
posted by schmod at 8:58 PM on April 25, 2011 [1 favorite]


Crackpot theory:

Comfort Wipe was originally supposed to be something else--e.g., something of the Swiffer variety--but there was a design flaw and it couldn't go to market. So P&G or whoever unloaded however-many-thousand of these things on a willing buyer. A buyer who bought them even before he knew what he was going to do with them.
posted by jeremy b at 8:59 PM on April 25, 2011 [2 favorites]


At one point, maybe as an FPP or in response to an AskMe, someone linked an online catalog that was almost entirely products for the very obese. Beyond a certain size, it's hard to do some day to day tasks that I, for one, take for granted.

So while the stick video is slightly funny, the reality is that the original product is solving a real need for people. For me, that kind of takes the joke out of it, but maybe I'm humorless that way.

And, having had to poop in rustic conditions without toilet paper quite a few times, I'd rank the options, from best to worst in terms of comfort and effectiveness, as:

rags
newspaper
water
soft leaves and grass (but not poison ivy)
scratchy leaves
sticks
rocks
snow

As with many things, YMMV.
posted by Forktine at 9:09 PM on April 25, 2011 [1 favorite]


This is a much better idea than my invention, the Uncomfortable Stick.

Or Irritating Stick, for that matter.
posted by Strange Interlude at 9:14 PM on April 25, 2011


Or Irritating Stick, for that matter.

Fail at wiping your butt and you get a shock...
posted by Pirate-Bartender-Zombie-Monkey at 9:24 PM on April 25, 2011


Isn't that already the case, just a bit delayed?
posted by DoctorFedora at 9:28 PM on April 25, 2011


If both of those videos were judged as comedy skits, the original would win.
posted by Taft at 9:43 PM on April 25, 2011


That bear and rabbit joke has always bothered me. I mean, if shit doesn't stick to the rabbit's fur, how is it going to be an effective wipe?
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 9:47 PM on April 25, 2011 [14 favorites]


I think the implication is that the rabbit will eventually be able to get his fur clean.

Just 'cos he's an abusive douchebag who victimizes the smaller and weaker for his own convenience doesn't mean he's a complete dickwad.
posted by Pirate-Bartender-Zombie-Monkey at 9:52 PM on April 25, 2011


The bear cares about the rabbit.
posted by Burhanistan at 9:53 PM on April 25, 2011 [2 favorites]


The bear cares about the rabbit.

Like I said... ;-)
posted by Pirate-Bartender-Zombie-Monkey at 9:54 PM on April 25, 2011


But, to conclude, I say and maintain, that of all torcheculs, arsewisps, bumfodders, tail-napkins, bunghole cleansers, and wipe-breeches, there is none in the world comparable to the neck of a goose, that is well downed, if you hold her head betwixt your legs.

I call bullshit on this. Geese, as anyone who as actually spent even a small amount of time around the foul things can attest, are ORNERY AS HELL.

MEAN.

NASTY.

EVIL.


I don't care how well downed it is, if you put one of those anywhere NEAR your bathing suit area, you are an idiot in full and I reserve the right to laugh at you no matter how much pain you are in. The only advantage to goose-wiping is that it places you on the short list for a Darwin award.
posted by louche mustachio at 9:59 PM on April 25, 2011 [2 favorites]


Geese are just the worst things.
posted by The Whelk at 10:01 PM on April 25, 2011 [6 favorites]


I was going to post something longer but suffice to say, having smashed my leg to bits a couple of months ago, and then suffered agonies trying to - um - cleanse myself while completely immobilized and simultaneously dealing with the well known sequelae of opiate painkillers (constipation followed by strong laxatives) I can only say that anything that makes life easier Down There is not to be laughed at. And that certainly includes Tucks and Anusol and quite possibly this.

Bonus gratuitious detail: before the injury I was a stander-and-crumpler, but am now 100% converted to sitting-and-folding, which I couldn't even visualize doing before, but provides a far more relaxed and efficient experience.
posted by unSane at 10:01 PM on April 25, 2011


Dead geese are considerably calmer.
posted by unSane at 10:02 PM on April 25, 2011


At least now we know why she sells seashells by the sea shore.

Wasn't "Sue" Mary Anning?
posted by alex_skazat at 10:08 PM on April 25, 2011


louche moustachio -- you have to remember that Garguantua was a giant.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 10:10 PM on April 25, 2011


"they wipe their tails with the neck of a goose, holding her head betwixt their legs"

Next week, on a very special episode of "Ow, My Balls!".
posted by gamera at 10:16 PM on April 25, 2011 [3 favorites]


louche moustachio -- you have to remember that Garguantua was a giant.

I thought he was two brother giants, a sea-version and a mountain-version, both grown from the cells of the Frankenstein monster the Germans smuggled to Japan at the end of WWII.

I know I saw that movie.
posted by Pirate-Bartender-Zombie-Monkey at 10:25 PM on April 25, 2011 [1 favorite]



Dead geese are considerably calmer.


and tastier.


louche moustachio -- you have to remember that Garguantua was a giant.

I_Am_Joe's_Spleen:

You have to remember that geese are total assholes, and they don't care how big you are.
posted by louche mustachio at 10:40 PM on April 25, 2011 [1 favorite]


It's not polite to stare
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 10:50 PM on April 25, 2011


To extend on jeremyb's crackpot theory (triple pun intended), the ToiletWand - a disposable toilet brush - came out about six years ago, and we used to joke that it could be used for ass wiping. Its design is really quite similar to the Comfort Wipe.

Also, if transporter technology isn't fully available for ass wiping and holodeck technology isn't fully available for masturbation, I don't want to live in the 24th century, replicators and warp speed be damned.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 10:51 PM on April 25, 2011 [1 favorite]


Is there toilet paper on the USS Enterprise? How are things looking 500 years from now?

Tribbles. And then they beam them to the nearest Klingon vessel. That's mainly what that ongoing war is all about.
posted by pracowity at 11:01 PM on April 25, 2011 [8 favorites]


I used to think that anything is better than the cultural norm of smearing shit around with paper and hoping most of it sticks, but reading about pebbles and shells makes me revise that opinion.
posted by rodgerd at 11:08 PM on April 25, 2011


Use a spray bidet and mop up with a bit of tissue, you goddamned heathens.

If I got to keep only one thing that I've learned from Arabs....well let's just say that I'd be using Roman numerals.
posted by atrazine at 11:08 PM on April 25, 2011 [2 favorites]


Dead geese are considerably calmer.

and tastier.


I dunno about eating shit-basted geese.
posted by rodgerd at 11:13 PM on April 25, 2011


Am I the only one who times things so it's throne time and then straight into the shower? It's like a rough draft and then a final edit. Er, if you see what I'm saying.

Rarely are sticks involved.
posted by maxwelton at 11:15 PM on April 25, 2011 [5 favorites]


Max, I favorited your comment because, as appalling a thought as it is, credit needs to be given to a phrasing so clever.
posted by DoctorFedora at 11:30 PM on April 25, 2011


Couldn't they use the transporter to beam poop directly out of the rectum without the need to get the actual opening dirty?
posted by Authorized User at 3:04 AM on April 26, 2011


So this guy from the city, he goes to visit his cousin in the country. They go for a walk in the woods. City guy has to do the thing, and asks his cousin where he can go.
The country cousin tells him anywhere will do; go over behind that tree.
Reluctantly, City Mouse does, and then calls out,
"So, what do I wipe with?"
"If you got a dollar, that oughtta do the trick."
A few minutes later, the city-slicker comes back out from behind the tree, a stricken look on his face and quite a lot of, um, streaks on his hands and pants.
"I thought you said you had a dollar!" says Country Cuz.
Long pause. "Yeah," the city guy says. "It was all dimes, though."
posted by Mister Moofoo at 3:50 AM on April 26, 2011


Couldn't they use the transporter to beam poop directly out of the rectum without the need to get the actual opening dirty?

That would violate the Prime Directive.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 5:00 AM on April 26, 2011


It seems like this product is for people who might be too big to easily reach and wipe the poop chute. Otherwise, wtf.
posted by rmmcclay at 5:15 AM on April 26, 2011


Couldn't they use the transporter to beam poop directly out of the rectum without the need to get the actual opening dirty?

They did that in Sturgeon's More Than Human, but with their mutant powers, instead of a machine.
posted by Mister Moofoo at 5:15 AM on April 26, 2011 [1 favorite]


In one of my back-to-the-land fits, I set up a bucket of dried corn cobs in my outhouse up in the mountains. I'd heard tales of how effective these were from my southern relatives, and it seemed like one of those lovely organic cycles that should make Mother Earth just radiant with pride, all but for a hitch.

If you've ever done bodywork on a car, you'll be familiar with the surform file. If you haven't, it's a sort of sturdy metal cheese grater, except industrial and intended for knocking high points off of leadwork and Bondo. It's astonishingly useful at this task, and can shred an awful lot, awful fast. A corn cob, as it happens, is nature's inspiration for the surform file, I think.

I like to consider myself fairly tough, but those goddamn corn cobs bloodied my ass like dozens of untrimmed fingernails, made me shriek in a disturbingly high-pitched manner, and made me even more sympathetic to Abner Louima. It also made me picture all my ancestors walking around with calloused ass cracks, because you'd damn well have to build up a protective layer down there if you survived the initial onslaught. It was easily the third most painful thing to happen to my pelvic region, just behind a particularly troublesome date in the eighties and the time I staggered out of bed naked and walked directly into a vintage electric fan I'd thougtlessly placed on a waist-level side table.

Chucked the rest of the cobs down into the pit, switched back to TP, and reminded myself that one can go too far with these things. Mea culpa, Mother Earth, but my crack is sacred, too, you know.
posted by sonascope at 6:23 AM on April 26, 2011 [8 favorites]


Moderns don't know how to poop without being consumers. HA HA HA HA. "What products can I buy to effectively poop?"

Primitives know how to poop for free. WE POOP WITHOUT PAYING ANY MONEY! HA HA HA FREE POOPS!
posted by Meatbomb at 6:56 AM on April 26, 2011 [3 favorites]


Ah warsh mahself with a rag onna stick.
posted by electroboy at 7:00 AM on April 26, 2011


Heheheh.

Klingons.
posted by condour75 at 7:21 AM on April 26, 2011 [1 favorite]


Moderns don't know how to poop without being consumers. HA HA HA HA. "What products can I buy to effectively poop?"

Primitives know how to poop for free. WE POOP WITHOUT PAYING ANY MONEY! HA HA HA FREE POOPS!


I TAKE 4-DIMENSIONAL SIMULTANEOUS CUBE SHITS. IT IS NOT IMMORAL TO KILL BASTARD EDUCATORS WHO LIE ABOUT POOP CUBE.
IF JESUS RETURNS TO EARTH, I WILL PERSONALLY KILL THE BASTARD MYSELF. ALL CREATION OCCURS
YOU DUMB-ASS, EARTH, THE UNIVERSE AND EVERY LIVING THING IN IT
posted by atrazine at 8:14 AM on April 26, 2011 [1 favorite]


I TAKE 4-DIMENSIONAL SIMULTANEOUS CUBE SHITS. IT IS NOT IMMORAL TO KILL BASTARD EDUCATORS WHO LIE ABOUT POOP CUBE. IF JESUS RETURNS TO EARTH, I WILL PERSONALLY KILL THE BASTARD MYSELF. ALL CREATION OCCURS YOU DUMB-ASS, EARTH, THE UNIVERSE AND EVERY LIVING THING IN IT

Dr. Bronner is that you?
posted by nathancaswell at 6:00 AM on April 27, 2011 [1 favorite]


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